Phil Howard Marriage Q & A (Part 2)

Welcome to No Compromise Radio Ministries. My name is Mike Gabendroth. I'm texting my wife right now. After all, I'm trying to pay attention to the Better Marriages, Better Marriage Conference that Pastor Phil did, and so, see, here we go.

You can write me, mike, at nocompromiseradio .com. Cancer is Not Your Shepherd is a new book that's on Amazon that I wrote. If you're suffering with anything, physical or any other way, I think it would benefit you.

I also am recording with Ben and Mario the 17 mini-episodes, 8 to 10 minutes each, for American Gospel Television that should be a new series this fall, Lord willing. I've recorded the first eight, that means I've got nine left, and we'll record those in a couple weeks, and I hope they'll be a benefit to you.

Today is part two with a question and answer that was recorded at Bethlehem Bible Church. I asked Phil Howard a little bit about marriage with some marriage Q &A, and today is part two, our final episode with Pastor Phil Howard.

Here's another question. What does a wife do when there's a complete lack of sexual intimacy? We could talk about the flip side as well, but that was the question. Yeah.

Well, it's unusual that you hear that side. It's usually all the men, you know, what would help your marriage? Here's why sex cures everything. I think that's different. I would want to know if that man was biologically able, you know, that E .D. comes, age, you know, maybe he has a health issue that needs to be addressed.

If it's a psychological issue that makes him check out, maybe he is on pornography or going to other outlets for that release. So it's an unusual situation, but I would be open with him and discuss my needs are not being met.

And 1 Corinthians 7 says, your body is mine in conjugal relationship, vice versa. Why don't we come together? What's the reason? Is it biological, psychological? Are you going elsewhere to quench the thirst?

And they need some serious conversation about that.

We talked about that last night a little bit, that if it's to go find a computer and it's the lazy man's option.

Well, David Rubin, years ago, wrote the book, Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex. And we're afraid to ask, he wrote, it's an old book, way back. And in that book, he discussed men that were going to prostitutes.

And it was that very essence, they were lazy. Because to have a romantic marriage takes creativity. She may be there unfulfilled, not courted, not wooed at all, nothing like that. And Dave Rubin's making the argument, the lazy man goes to have a service done to him because he's too lazy to create the environment.

Too lazy to court, to pursue. And so he said, I just assume pay for what I'm too lazy to create. And so it was a common problem.

Somewhat related, interesting question. Should one spouse confess the sin of lust of the eyes to the other spouse, and is that helpful to a marriage? Absolutely not.

That's absurd. Honey, I just lusted for the hundredth time today. I thought you need to have an accurate record. No, no, there's no benefit. And to carry that further, I've heard a guy say, well, I've been very promiscuous before I met my wife.

Should I tell her, you know, Susie Q's name, Jenny Q, and Karen, and hey, hey. I didn't know I had to unfold my whole life, you know, every time I cuss, every time I thought bad. No, no, and no good to her because she has to now carry it.

What do I do? What do I do with this information? And no, confess it to God, that's the one, confess, repent. I think a man could confess, I'm struggling with lust, I'm struggling with temptation. I believe you could share that information with a wife without panic.

Would you pray with me, would you, a minute time. I remember my brother pastored a church in Wenatchee, and there'd been a lot of sin in the past in that church by pastors. And he said he went through a season of terrible lust and sexual temptation.

He said, I've never had anything like it in my life. Now he married at 17, he married a 15-year-old. He got pregnant and lived with her for 54 years and buried her because she had cancer. He was crazy about this girl.

My sister and I went to their house to see what married love looked like. He was crazy about her. But he said, he finally said he got on his knees one day and said, Lord, if you have to deceive me and convince me that Sylvia is the most beautiful person in the world, do it.

But somehow deliver me from this season of incredible temptation upon me. Because I'm married to her, I love her, but I'm in a season of great temptation. And he said, God did it. And he spent 54 years with her.

Sweet.

There are some singles here today. Any encouraging words to the singles? Stacy. No.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, it just built up in my heart.

There's some 1 Corinthians 7 truth to that, right? Later in the chapter.

Boy, you know what? You've got biblical reason to say you've got a better deal if God gives you the gift to remain single. It's not a curse. My sister, never married, she was engaged three times, lived to be 80.

And I asked her one time, I said, hey, so why didn't you ever get married? I mean, you were engaged three different times. She says, well, one thing, I never could find a man strong enough to lead me.

I said, well, you'd have to marry Patton the way you're built. And then she said, I found out I was more in love with wanting children than I was in needing a man. She said, I love children. And I didn't think that would be fair to a man.

She said, because she was the oldest after the brothers were killed, she was the only one left. So she became like the matriarch of us five kids and with strong personality. And she said, but you know what?

I'm happy in Jesus. I poured my life into the church and into you kids. And when she was probably 77, she said, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's the right choice for me. I've been fulfilled, whatever.

And I think singleness is tough because of all the propagating, being loose sexually and all like that. But you can be happy and fulfilled in Christ. Many people have been. Look at old John Stott there in London all these years.

Been a wonderful pastor and single, single. I'm glad you bring it. It's not a curse, but I think the date today is so fraught with danger to find someone that's compatible. That must be godly. And to remain pure in the American dating scene is a great challenge because the Bible has no advice about dating.

It only addresses marriage. Doesn't tell you how to court. Well, should we kiss when we date? Well, I can't imagine you not if you're falling in love. Said, well, we held hands for two years. Man, I would do more to hold hands.

I want to lip lock, you know, and so it's just fraught with danger to stay pure. And so if I could, I'd be a matchmaker for every single in the church if I could, because I want them to be happily married.

Amen.

That just meant I was biting my tongue. It's about you today, not me. My spouse and I do not agree on how to discipline our children. How do we resolve this? Don't have any.

Well, something Carol and I do is usually read Proverbs every day. You should read the chapter of the day. I would learn Proverbs really good. And note everything it says about children. And create your paradigm or your basic how it's going to be done.

And take that as great wisdom on how to raise children. By all means, be compassionate towards those children. You're shaping clay. And I think you just got to talk a lot. Of course, I was the one that did the spanking the most.

Carolyn didn't ever need spanking. She and her brother were easy children. When you were married? Oh, when she was growing up. When she was growing up. See, they laugh at your jokes. They don't laugh at mine.

For good reason. And you know, I'll tell you, my kids, just the grace of God. We built this house. We never had a house of our own or anything. And one day I come home and my two girls are on their knees.

And they've got this wet rag. And they're rubbing on this brand new carpet. How low was Debra then? Six? Okay, maybe eight or something. And I come in. They had taken off the lid on a can of paste. Wallpaper paste.

Poured it on, you know, they slipped on that. I came. I mean, we finally get a house. And this is, and I'm just, I'm angry. So, when you're not obedient, go ahead and beat them. Give them a spanking. And boy, I know I was getting ready to swat Debra.

And it is the truth. I'm right about here. And how the Lord was able to do this so quick. It's just like he said, did they rebel? Or did they have a mistake? And I thought, Lord, this is no time to be talking to me.

I'm not ready to carry through the golf swing. And it just hit. And he said, do I spank you for mistakes or when you sin? I got on my knees and we all mopped it up together. And I said, Debra, God just spared you the spanking of your life.

Because he showed me what a sinner I am. And it's wonderful for God to really be there. Because all three of them, you know, I said, I would never go on the road, tell people how to raise children, especially after we went through that trial with this 55 year old girl now.

But God was there. It was precious. It just. And I have to say this, man, this is a little plug. Every man wants a boy. But you can't imagine what a girl does to a dad's heart. A little girl on your lap.

If I could, they'd all still be home. And I said, you know what? I'd still be hugging on them. They all got married within 16 months. Our house went from Michael Jackson dancing and acting crazy. To a library that just hurt she and I.

Because, man, you're supposed to give away, you know, one this year, maybe one next year. All in 16 months. I'll tell you, they are gifts from God, including the tears, the heartbreaks and the sin. They're worth it.

No one signs up for dirty diapers, but the dirty diapers are worth the product. And I think that's with God. I get the feeling with most Christians, they don't think God likes them. That all they represent is dirty diapers.

No, no, God's got the goal of maturity and he'll be there for the dirty diapers. And he'll get you through. And I must say, my only disappointment is I wanted one more. Because I'm the one of seven. And she had a tough time with our third daughter.

And she told me, she said, would you care if we held off here? This was a little bit harder. I said, I don't want to jeopardize you, but I sure love holding her in my arms. So do you want some more notes on sentimentality?

I could be your son. You could. I would. I would take you if you bring some cash.

Dear congregation, we've got a little bit of time left. Does anybody here have a question about marriage?

Yes. Look at there, he's been sitting on it.

You're talking about not invalidating feelings and not making sure they feel empathized with. How would you balance that then with not necessarily validating where their heart is with behind those feelings?

So to just repeat the question for the sake of the tape and tape the recording. Digital. Talk a little bit about validating, invalidating feelings, making sure you walk the tightrope the right way.

I think it's a great question. I probably would think of the aspect of truth in love that I've heard you this and that. And I've had to counsel my wife because of that maybe being right, very right. And usually is.

But when they haven't been to say, I think you're not being biblical here, whatever, and have that discussion because you don't lay down on false or what's wrong can hurt them, hurt the marriage. And I've heard you.

I think I understand you. And I'm not coming back to say you're an idiot or you're crazy. But have you thought of this? Let's try to. I think of the word we use. Jay Adams used the word new static that we want to mentally adjust the thinking.

And if you make that the goal, not to trash as it were. Or, oh, that's crazy. You can't feel that way. No, just say, I take it serious. Have you looked at this? And so I would apply truth and love and not let it lie dormant.

Because you want to help her, you know. And I think if that motive comes out in your heart and hurt, do the same to you. We need, we all, Ecclesiastes 3 says insanity is in the heart of every man. And it's translated madness, but it's insanity.

We got insane thoughts that run through our heart. Crazy ideas that we need someone to bounce them off and judge them as whether they're good, bad. So no, if she says something that's off the wall, said, honey, we need to consider this.

I think this is what God would have you do or think. Because the heart is full of so many warped views. If there's no devil, we've got something about as bad in our heart. And Matthew says that God doesn't matter if you wash your hands when you eat.

But it sure does matter what you do with what you're thinking in your heart. Matter of fact, the great verses, Numbers 15, the last verse, they changed their whole wardrobe in Israel because the boy listened to his heart instead of God's commandment.

And he had him put blue ribbon around the bottom of the robes so that you will always obey my word and not put your heart above my word. So let's just do it the word way.

The feelings are real, but the thinking that granted you those feelings isn't always right. That's right. Good.

Other questions? Yes. You spoke about what is right. Yes. Can you speak more to that? Like, what is right? Because we often, you know, I often want to think, well, I'm right in this. I know I'm right.

Yeah.

Obviously, there's... Well, I think a lot of times, okay, you were right about what? Okay, let's say you're thinking, well, I was right. So then let's qualify that. What was the issue I was right about?

If it's a stance of I am right, always, you know, then that is the, I think, stance of pride. I will always be right. Well, there's no negotiating room for her. I'm dealing with Mr. Perfect and don't have a chance, you know.

But rather say, I want to do the right. I want to go for the right. That moves it from you, you know, being, let's say, Mr. Infallible. Just whatever the issue is, I want what's right, what's the right is.

Well, that makes you not an opponent, but a solution finder. And I would think that would not be a threat. And you could be kind to her and her views. Let's, we both want to get to the right. And that makes you partners in the solution.

Otherwise, just say, do what I do. It will always be right. And I don't think that's what you're saying. If you are, you better repent.

Well, instead of you have a problem spouse, we have a problem. Because if one spouse has a problem, both do, right? Because you're one. That's it. Good. Good question.

Any other questions? Yes. You talked about how we aren't their Holy Spirit. We aren't supposed to be like, you know, nagging them to do what's right. How would you say? Would it still be right to basically encourage them without expecting of them?

Like, would that be like a way that you'd phrase that? Is that you're encouraging without expecting?

Take that from me, so I can hear.

Just maybe elaborate a little bit more on, okay, since we're not the person's Holy Spirit. He, the Holy Spirit is alive and working. How do we play that out in a relationship? Do we, I mean, we can encourage people.

Oh, you should try that. Or you should do that. So can you encourage and still let the Holy Spirit work? Yeah.

You don't go mute. You know, you've got to encourage, you know, if you were unsaved and your wife come in, I want to buy this used car at some exorbitant price. Believe me, you'd be giving your opinion, your encouragement.

They're charging you too much. You're being ripped off. You know, you would just as a husband, just as a fellow protector, speak up. We don't marry a partner to silence them or they become worthless to us.

I don't care if it's the woman or man. Speak up, Adam. Don't be passive if they're about to go over a cliff. You speak up, and I don't think we have to spiritualize everything. Just as a human being that cares for you, I'm warning, or I'm instructing, or I'm encouraging.

Because I care for you. My love is a result of careful attention. I'm going to tell you what I think. I'm not going to be some milquetoast that doesn't speak up. I speak up, but I'm not harsh, and I'm not going to be insensitive to your feelings.

But I am going to speak the truth in love. Yeah, we need it. And she needs to do the same to you. I mean, or else we lose a lot of help that God intended to give us through our mate. Getting married is like marrying a mirror.

You've got someone that mirrors you at your best points and your weakest points. And that mirror, boy, if we don't listen to them, Proverbs, you cannot tell the fool anything because he's always right in his own eyes.

And we don't want to be fools. We want to be wise.

All right, sounds good. Dear congregation, thanks for coming out today. Phil, how about a final exhortation to couples? They get home this afternoon or they tuck the kids in bed. What kind of homework assignment do you want them to have tonight?

Well, go home, make love all night. Come back tomorrow. Do it God's way. Do it God's way. In the seasons of life, just be steadfast. Fix your eyes. Only one woman. Be a one woman kind of man, a one man kind of woman.

Just be loyal to one another. God will bless you, get you through the hard seasons. We all have common temptations. Sometimes when you're having marital difficulty, you think you're the only one that's ever had this.

And we all have common temptations. And I would just encourage you that the grace of God is for you. And the power of God will be there to enable you to do the right. It's, I'll tell you, divorce is painful.

It works havoc in the children. Your marriage is worth fighting for. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. And I would just say, Carolyn has been a magnificent partner. And boy, just to have someone to make the journey of life with.

My brother's married 54 years. Wife dies three months later. He goes courting. His family was all upset with him. He said, I loved being married. I never wanted to be unmarried. Got married within three months, lived with her for 11 years, and then he passed away.

So that boy was married from 17 to 84 and highly recommended it.

Well, Pastor Phil, thanks so much for coming today. Thank you for coming. Appreciate you and your wife. And when I hear you pray, I think of someone who not only is known by God, but really knows God well.

So would you pray for us, please, as we're dismissed?

Our Father, we never dreamed that you would pay so much to make us your bride. The dowry was set in eternity past that the one courting us would first have to die, then defeat death. And what a lover you are, Father.

I just think of Adam and Eve when natural affection would write them off. I have no more to say. I won't let you go naked from now on. You created your mess, and instead, you promised to redeem them. You clothed them.

You were present. Oh, may these precious couples feel your presence, your covering in Christ. Put the glue, you said, because the iniquity abounds the love of many wax cold. Please stir up first love.

Stir up the love of betrothal. Make us love our mate more than ever as we adore God together. Oh, Father, prevent any couple here from going towards divorce. Glue, put a fresh supply of adhesion and glue of the heart.

Take away the hardness of heart. Take away hardness that will not forgive, that harbors grudges and bitterness. May we empty the garbage can of our heart that is collecting all the grievous things. Please cleanse us that we might be fit for the master's use.

It's in Jesus' wonderful name. Father, Peter says what I feel to you who believe he is precious. In his precious name, we pray.

Amen. Well, that wraps up our mini series with Pastor Phil Howard. We finished today on Marriage Q &A. Thanks to Spencer for splicing all these things together. Thanks for Phil for coming to teach. Lives in California some of the time, but South Carolina the other times.

You can write me info at nocompromiseradio .com. Don't forget if you'd like bulk books, that is 10 or more, email me for a 40 discount. Thanks for listening.