(Godly Courtship) 04 Testimonies of Courtship — Denny Kenaston

Hello, this is brother Denny. Welcome to charity ministries. Our desire is that your life would be blessed and changed by this message. This message is not copyrighted and is not to be bought or sold.

You are welcome to make copies for your friends and neighbors. If you would like additional messages, please go to our website for a complete listing at www .charityministries .org. If you would like a catalogue of other sermons, please call 1 -800 -227 -7902 or write to charity ministries 400 West Main Street, Suite 1, EFRA, PA 17522.

These messages are offered to all without charge by the free will offerings of God's people. A special thank you to all who support this ministry. Well the next portion of our lessons will be the testimonies of two young couples.

This was suggested to me by one of the couples. That's going to share with us and as soon as The words fell on my ear. I knew that it was the right thing to do Testimonies Illustrations out of real people's lives.

Do so much to confirm The principles of God's Word to our hearts and that is the purpose for these testimonies today. We have two fine young couples from our fellowships brother Myron and sister Lisa Stolzius.

From the home congregation here brother Myron has been your chorus director. All this week brother David and sister Melinda mass from Ohio and David has been one of the principals here this week they I Guess maybe they'll share with you how long they've been married.

I don't know that I can say Exactly, but they've been married enough years that they can speak from the experience of being married and What the courtship what kind of an effect their courtship? Had on their marriage and that is the purpose for these testimonies.

The one couple which will be sharing somewhat from a negative perspective very graciously came to me and they were the couple that suggested that a testimony of Failure be be shared and they said that they were very willing to do that their prayer was that if they Could save some other young people from making some big mistakes Which take years to overcome?

They would be glad to humble themselves and share from a point of failure so we're going to have Them share first and then the other couple will share from a point of blessing how that they did for the most part follow what we've been sharing and The joys that have fallen upon their life because of it so at this time Why don't we have both of the couples come.

I'd like you to see their families and everything. So why don't all of you come at this time? Are yours downstairs David? Are they sleeping? Okay Myron and Lisa you can come. I Thought about it this morning and I thought you know, we don't need to just put a couple up here.

This is not a couple anymore. It's a family. Sorry for not mentioning that to you David So we have Myron and Lisa stall Susan Myron. Maybe you can introduce the little ones Praise God, thank you. I guess we'll go ahead and we'll go ahead and let you Share and then David you can introduce your family when you come up.

Myron and Lisa: Failure to Guard Affections

It's indeed my blessing to be here today and to hear the words of our brother for the last three days. It has been such a blessing. And I would just like before I say anything.

To say please hearing. Please hearing. I can't wait to hear from you.

I'm going to emphasize today where we went wrong and The results of that in our lives and in our marriage as we look back. We do have some happy times that we remember. I'm not going to be speaking of those today Because even they many times were overshadowed By feelings of guilt and other things that I will be saying today I'm going to give my testimony first and then my wife will also share things from her perspective in her view and how that the effects of our courtship and what or how what those effects had on her life as I pondered over what to share and how to share it.

I looked at several steps in my life that were not right from the very beginning to begin with much Very much of what brother Denny gave in yesterday and today and also the day before yesterday. I did not do in preparation to get married the seeking God for my wife the Keeping my emotions to myself most of those things and Even the and the asking of the proper authorities and all of that.

I didn't do that. Before I was in love with my wife-to-be. I was in love first then I did many of those other things. But really as I look at the root of it Brother Denny preached the message a couple years ago, and he also alluded to it this week That we need to be married to Christ first.

He had a message entitled marriage courtship and marriage marriage to God and then courtship and in marriage to someone else and I was not married to Christ. I love the Lord Sincerely, but I didn't have the hot vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ That I should have had.

I had many character deficiencies in my life and one of those Was lack of self-control. I did not have a proper vision of a godly marriage. It was a limited vision. I looked at it for the benefits that it would give me.

Instead of having a long-range vision and seeing a godly family even though I wanted children but just the the whole realization and vision of a godly family and and the Influence and and the blessing and all of that.

I didn't have. And I would like to say that our vision or my vision for our courtship turned out to be my vision for my marriage and It wasn't very good. I did not go through the proper authority channels before I released my affection.

Oh I would like to emphasize that today. I didn't do it that way. Rather I let my emotions go. We We were together a lot through some other circumstances and we had just spiritual fellowship. But then we started releasing our affections toward each other before we even said anything to anybody about it.

Oh, I thought many times Then and even later when restrictions were put upon us. They just don't understand. And If there's anything I'd like to emphasize today, it's that that thought you just take that and throw it away.

Just throw it away because they did understand. I didn't think they did. I thought well, it's been 20 or 30 years since they got married. They don't remember how it was. But they knew and I was the ignorant one.

I They just don't understand as I said previously I had very little self-control in my mind, I had free reign up to us up to a certain point and Up to that certain point. It was just coasting and actually feeding rather than being self-controlled and watching over my life and And being very concerned, you know, well, you know, how much of my am I letting my emotions be in charge here?

I just I just had free reign no self-control. I mean there was many too many a time that I thought I'm okay I'll know when to stop. I'm not it's alright. I can handle it. I Didn't know I was playing with fire because of this.

Because of these things the lack of the self-control. They're not being under the proper authority and going through the appropriate authority channels. They're not having a proper vision of a godly courtship and not being married to Christ because of all of these things and having a free reign in my life, I stirred up desires that could not be fulfilled as brother Denny said I Defrauded my wife and to this day when we look back on certain things I realized and again.

And if these things have just really been laid fresh in my heart in a greater way than ever before as brother Denny so clearly laid out defrauding I defrauded my wife and That had effects that lasted into our marriage.

I did things that violated her conscience. Well that made her feel guilty. But at the same time she was under pressure to please me she wanted to please me she had a lot of insecurity in her life, and so she wanted to put her security in me and So she was caught where she was violating her own conscience.

I Was defrauding her and this put her under and yet. She was under pressure to please me and Didn't feel very good. Well. What were the results of these steps? Our emotions became heavily heavily involved.

Premature Emotional Involvement and Its Consequences

Prematurely you see the problem was that I was in love when I was in seven when I was 17 years old and So I couldn't just go get married. Because I was too young and as we looked ahead and we saw I might not be get get might not be able to get married.

So I'm 20 or 21. It just looked like an impossible situation but the reason it looked like an impossible situation was because I had left go and Our emotions were already so heavily involved when they should have never been.

We were so emotionally involved that at the time when we started courting We should have been getting married you see because I was young. There was a restriction put upon us that I cannot date or court until I'm 18 years old the problem was we were By our fellowship by our sharing back and forth by our our intimacy in in deep things and all of that.

Telephone calls letters and so forth all of those things. We were ready to get married by the by the time that we started dating and we had a long ways to go. Another thing another result is that my own spiritual life what I did have went down and I'd like to emphasize that also if you will find yourself in a courting situation.

And you find that your spiritual life is going down. Where God is not real to you where you're feeling guilty before God. Stop right there and Examine what is wrong? But that happened and it also happened very much in my wife another result.

We came within a hair's breadth of committing fornication. That was a natural result of Our emotions being so heavily involved. It's only the grace of God that kept us the complete way. There from going the whole way we were not pure in our minds.

We were not pure in each other's sight now this didn't start. With that right away it rather started with touching holding hands hugging etc those type of things. Just lit the fire in our hearts the fire that was meant for marriage.

This was also intensified by frank discussion. Way too early in our courtship another result was that. Or because of the because of the rebellion see we did have some restrictions put upon us one that we couldn't get married For a long time yet, and we rebelled in our hearts, and so we'd get together on our date.

We wanted to be alone as much as possible. We'd commiserate one with another oh how bad this is oh I just can't understand this they just don't understand and all of these all of these things that happen and So our dates were not profitable.

They were not up building Many many times of course because of this we wanted to be alone away from everybody else and as soon as we would get together. We'd want to leave as soon as we could and be alone.

This all was during our courtship. After we got married. I'm an optimist. I thought this will be just fine. You know whoa now We're married, and we had a blessed wedding again. God poured out grace from heaven upon our wedding.

I don't understand why but he did and I it's just a mercy of God. However, it wasn't too long until we had trouble all of a sudden. I didn't have any respect for my wife. The things that I wanted to do.

She would she would feel uncomfortable with she would balk at she was not free to fully release herself to me. I Had some other problems. Which stem back to the very beginning of courtship? I was not a leader and so I was not providing security.

I Couldn't handle discipline after my marriage. Godly discipline in my own life. I couldn't handle it and I was not sensitive to my wife to the needs that she had to her own heart to her own Longings and so I wasn't sensitive since I wasn't sensitive.

I couldn't understand why things were going wrong I and and so I was hurt because of him because of her withdrawal for me. I was hurt. I remember there would be some nights when we would Be going to bed and we would just talk about these things and and I would get hurt at her and she would get hurt At me and we would cry together and oh, it was miserable sometimes because of that.

And I was frustrated I would I pitted myself, you know What is this rather than realizing that it was my own needs and it was my own Problems that were bringing this whole thing to the surface. Many times I was hurt I was and then because of that I'd be so touchy and if she would just make a comment as to Laying some of the blame on me.

Oh, I was so touchy. I just I couldn't handle it. Well, God did have mercy upon us. Praise God for that. As we cleared ourself of the rebellion God did lay it clearly Again on my wife before me because she was further ahead spiritually than than I was.

The fact of our rebellion we couldn't understand why things were not prospering and it was one time out of the Desperation of her heart with another godly couple which the brother is here today. She just dumped out her heart and he so wisely said did you ever consider the rebellion in your heart?

When we cleared ourselves of that rebellion the guilt was gone. Bless the Lord the guilt was gone. However, we still had some problems. We had communication problems. We still had hurt feelings and things like that.

Even though the guilt for the actual wrong things that we did was gone we still had many of these problems and it was only until I Came to the place where I should have been before I ever looked at a young lady.

And I saw the apathy in my own heart. I saw the lack of leadership in my heart the lack of self-control and all of those things and That happened Two years ago the first five years of our married life were up and down and up and down and I would see some needs and Improve and things would be better and then I'd go back down again.

Repentance, Restoration, and Spiritual Leadership

It was only two years ago until God really showed me all that it was and it's very interesting. It was through a message and I was sitting right there and God just came upon me and and I repented of my sin and God totally transformed our marriage.

He just totally transformed it now. All of those things are gone. I still have need but my wife's respect just went up like that. The love that we had between each other just flowed one back and forth.

And our problems fell down to the ground and God prospered our relationship with the children and all of those things. So I would like to say God is able to restore. He has restored us and I praise God for it.

But you don't have to go that route. You don't have to do it the way we did it. We still occasionally have things to work through. I still have personal struggles sometimes that I wonder if they aren't a result of my own lacks before.

But God is able to restore. He has restored us and we just rejoice together in that. I beg of you, hear us today. Don't go the way that we did. Do it differently, I plead.

The burden for sharing this today came to me. I think it was last Bible school. Someone shared with me that she was talking with a group of the young girls here about courtship and one of them made the comment.

Well, what's all this big deal about hands-off? Anyway, mine and Lisa didn't and they're okay. And I just thought, but you have no idea. The tears, the regret, the remorse, the guilt. That it took to get to where we are today, you have no idea.

We kept it pretty well hidden. Not very many people knew we were doing things we were I guess nobody knew we were doing quite to the extent that we were. But the guilt is still there. I mean the fact is still there whether anybody knows it or not.

And I guess when Brother Denny was speaking yesterday about holding your emotions and all of that He touched on it the first day and I thought Young people are going to say that's impossible. That's what we said.

You can't do it. I mean the task is to do something we can't do. Yesterday he clarified it so well, and I just thought he's right. Almost every one of his points we violated somewhere along the way and when I was about 14, I was emotionally involved with a fella and It was kind of mutual between us and we talked some but we didn't see each other a whole lot.

But I gave him my emotions and I was sure when I turned 18 and he was going to ask me to marry him. Well, he didn't and sometime within the next year. I realized that he wasn't gonna and I had to lay that down.

But then after we were married and we started having struggles the thought would come to me How would it be if I'd have married him? You know and it shouldn't even think those kind of things when you're married, but that emotional Scar it was it's just there.

And I had to realize it that I went wrong way back then in letting my emotions go Instead of setting my heart to serve God Completely and totally. And then when our relationship started when it came clear to me that he was interested in me.

I I did the same thing I mean I was I was living for God and I had a relationship with God. But I shifted my affection and It wasn't I'm living all for God. Anymore, it was I'm living for Myron and I'm living for this relationship and I I lived for it all day every day.

I mean it was my life and consequently my spiritual life went down and I Gave him my emotions. I gave him my affection. I just threw myself at him and As he related consequently we're ready for marriage way too soon and it caused all the problems that it did.

Lisa's Testimony: Repeated Boundary Failures

When we started dating I had decided way back when I was about 14 if I ever started If I ever had it was courting I was gonna hands-off relationship. I Had seen so many of the others that I said, I'm gonna have it hands-off.

But what I didn't realize it wasn't set in his heart like that. He agreed with me and he went along with it, but he didn't have it fixed in his heart the way I had and Consequently, I mean one of the first times we were together in public We were holding hands already.

And of course we started out with to make an exception just tonight but it didn't stay there and it just went from one thing to another to another to another and I I Went along with it, but I felt so guilty and I'd go home.

I'm he'd leave, you know, and I'd go to my room and It felt so guilty. I think about over our day and where we were and what we did and I felt so guilty and One fear I always had was that his dad or mom would ask him some pointed questions During the last Well, I guess the last six months of our courtship Due to my my home being an hour and a half away from here I would come I would come into the area on Saturday evening and be here for the weekend and I stayed it for the Ross's house and Sometimes I was just sure they could read the guilt on me.

Sometimes I wish he'd asked me some questions Because I wanted to be different. I wanted to tell somebody but I didn't have the nerve to squeal on him and So we'd get come together for our next date and I just telling we've got to stop this I feel so guilty I can't go on like this and We talked about it for a while and finally he agreed.

Yeah, we went too far. We better back off, you know. And we just had a line. Okay now I'm not gonna do any more than just this. Well, that's it for the next date. By the next one he came. We already slipped after a couple more we had slipped further than we had been before and I felt so guilty all over again.

And we went through this time and time and time again. We dated from recorded for almost a year and a half and It was that way the whole time. I mean it was that's the way our courtship went from beginning to end and I When I think about our courtship, I just mostly have to put out of my mind.

I just cannot think about it. It's too painful. It's too All those things that we did I cannot think about. So I can't say that we had a happy courtship. We enjoyed being together. Of course, we loved each other, but you know, he already went into all that how we spent our time together, but it was just up and down like that, but we always thought that after marriage would be different and Even in our even in our courtship, you know, I had a goal to have devotions together At the beginning and so we talked about it, you know, that would be a good thing to do so he said it's what we do.

Trouble was he would never initiate it until I'd say well, I'm just think about it Go ahead and have our devotions now or something like that. It's just I Sometimes I'd wait and wait and wait hoping he would say it first, but he never did hardly ever and There I should have seen a warning sign I should have seen hey this he's not Seeing what I'm seeing.

We need to stop until he comes around but I didn't and I just always thought that after marriage it'll be different and in public. He was a leader. He was outgoing. He he you know had to let some of the discussions at church and and he could talk and you know all of that and I saw that and took that above what happened in our private times together and It didn't come out right.

That guilt followed it followed me up until the night before our wedding I remember going to bed that night and I felt so hopeless. But now this is it who have a more chance to improve now. No more chance to prove we can do it, right?

There's no more chance to do it, right? This is it and God blessed our wedding and we had a sweet wedding and we had a sweet honeymoon and we came back and settled into marriage and It took about a month and a half till problems started arising and It was pretty rough and Here again, I I was all ready to go get some counsel from somebody but he always held back, you know.

He didn't want people to know that. I mean everybody looked up to us I mean want people to know that we were going through this and I remember a year after we were married Paul and Viola were married and they had a hands-off courtship and At their wedding we were to be headwaiter waitress, but that wedding isn't a miserable wedding in my life.

He sat there and watched them as they joined hands to say their vows. I knew it was the first time they ever held hands. You need to remember by this time. I'm miserable in my marriage. I don't know what to do.

He doesn't want to get help. I feel strung out nothing. It's not going right and here's this young couple and I know that if we would have done it the way they did it. And things wouldn't be like this.

And I sat there and cried like a baby I just I don't know how I gathered myself together enough to wait on tables that day. I was just totally miserable. And after that wedding we went out out to the backwoods Back road somewhere.

We parked there. We talked and we talked and we prayed and we cried and I don't know if we came to any concrete solution, but at least we talked about it and That went on for years it was we were married I guess about three years till I Till we finally saw the rebellion that we were in and we we confessed that and all of that.

And from there our marriage started to get better. There was some things that got better, but There was an awful lot. I mean whenever something would go wrong. I blame it on him. Yeah, he was that way we were dating and he's still like that, you know and it's just like I just couldn't respect him the way I knew I should the way I wanted to it just.

And I I'd start feeling like I delivered my life like this. I mean, there's no way out. I'm married now and um, I would I Would look at other couples and I'd wonder how many of them have struggled like this beneath the surface.

You know, how many of them are really for real? I looked at Denny's and I looked at Moses and I knew that they were for real and I could not figure it out. I thought how in the world can you marry that long and Have a relationship like they have.

I mean I knew there's was for real and I knew I couldn't explain that one. But when Myron Came to the place that he did two years ago is when our marriage finally Took off when he became the spiritual leader in the home.

Consequently after we got married we had devotions every day For about a month or two months. Maybe I'm not sure and then it quit. How would that family devotions? I'm in my house. We had family devotions every day and no matter what and It wasn't as meaningful to me as I wish it would have been but still is the idea I want to have family devotions at our house.

Our children to grow up knowing a time of worship together as a family and it didn't happen. Let it go for a while and I'd ask him don't you think we should be having family devotions? Oh, well, yeah, and then you know, we would for about it's the same thing as it wasn't we were dating.

And I'm telling you if your partner's like that when you're dating you're gonna be like they're gonna be like that after you're married. Marriage is not a magic cure so after he came the spiritual leader that he should have been and he started having devotions and and became the spiritual security to me that that he should that he Husband should be and I started prospering in my spiritual life for the first time since we were married I felt like I was starting to grow again and My inferiority complex.

I was terribly inferior and it disappeared. And my respect for him grew our relationship became a loving relationship instead of so tense and touchy. And I just love God. I mean you saw our family. We have a wonderful relationship.

And God did it but um. Like Maren said you don't need to come the way we came. And I beg of you keep your emotions. It's not impossible and then they do understand and they're not asking too much.

It's the only way to come out, right? I don't think I need to say a whole lot. All of us know how hard that was. But thank you Myron and Lisa that will fall to the blessing of many a couple. Thank you for being honest and sharing your hearts.

David and Melinda: Resting in God's Timing

All right at this time. We'll Turn to brother David and sister Melinda. That's all right, let him squeal. Beautiful sound.

Blessed us with two children. And we can certainly say we are we are glad for both of them And for what God has done for us. This here is my son Jared my son. And this is Jacob. Two sons and we are rejoicing in them.

Even though we have a more fussy one this time well, I guess this morning as I was listening to a message and brother Myron just released his testimony and all of that I just Realized before God how blessed we are.

We don't deserve what God has done for us, and I don't know In my younger years, I don't know where Where I picked up the even these convictions That we practiced and all of that. I don't know where I picked them all up, but God just blessed us very richly.

And basically, we're just going to go through our courtship period and what took place and In the different phases, I'm going to talk a little bit about before our courtship and Then getting into the beginning of our courtship what we did at the beginning of our courtship and then a little bit as throughout the courtship and Finally the marriage and what it's like now.

Just bear with us May take a little time. But we'll try to hurry. Well for myself I don't know how to say as far as the the affection giving the affection part as Brother Denny was was speaking about that.

I believe it was yesterday that he was speaking about giving our affection and I Must say I in my younger years From I don't know maybe from age of 12 even to To up till I was probably 18 I would say I can't say honestly that I didn't give my affection in here to someone else and to two different ones you know what I mean, I Think all seems like all young men go through that and I just I just praise God for the teaching we had it's it's so light.

Keep that affection. Let it grow but keep it for the right one. And I can't honestly say that I kept it all together. Although I didn't I did not let it I did not bring it forth in the open. But it was inside.

So basically, I guess I was Waiting on the will of God. I was What I call a sleep at God put me to sleep and and Again there again. It's not like you went that I went to sleep and I never had any struggle after that.

But I came to the place God brought me to the place where I learned to rest in God. Where I learned to go to sleep in God when it would come up again I could just bring it down and I could rest in God and this is a challenge.

I want to put before you maybe you're weighing weighing some but someone in your mind and all of that and It happens it happens it it comes up and I just place this challenge before you can you rest in God?

Can you trust God? Hmm. And I just simply had to come to that place where I rested in God knowing that God Will bring the right one at the right time. It's going to be the best and that's what God does.

God is a good God and God is a God who wants to give his children the best and I came to that place and I I I Just rested in that. Because I wanted the best. I didn't want to mess up my life, and I wanted the best for my life and And I just brought it before God that way and said God, you know, I want the best and and I know I Don't remember where I picked that statement up.

I think it came across the tape somewhere one time that God it was concerning a whole different message I believe but but it was brought to my attention that God wants to give us the best. And I said God, that's what I want.

I want the best for my life. For my life's companion. I want the best. I don't want some second choice. I want the best and And I put my faith in God that way that he's going to bring the best to me. Well, I Left it at that and I don't remember exactly how old I was at that point.

I think I was somewhere around 16 when I When it started moving in that direction until I was 18 It was pretty well settled in my heart That I'm gonna wait on God and trust God and so from then we didn't I didn't get married till I was 22 and From then till 22 why I had I had my mind free basically my mind was free to serve God and it and just to walk with God and to be a blessing and.

And And it came up now and then it came up again and especially over a time when you'd go to a wedding and you'd see all the beauty of it all that desire rose up again and But you again just had to come back and lay it before God.

Well about three months before we started our courtship why. It seemed like God was Starting to knock on my door. Seemed like he was starting to bang on my door. My mother came to me and she was wondering if I'm still sleeping.

Because I had told her I was sleeping. Isn't God waking you up? And I said no, I'm still sleeping well. That Following fall that was in the summertime at that following fall. I Became started becoming aware that God Had someone for me.

I Guess I'll I'll say this. I Had a I had this special feeling in my heart already for quite a while quite a long time but I didn't know if it was the will of God or not and it was toward my wife and It seemed like God had earlier Prepared me for it and so on.

But I I didn't see God. I didn't I didn't I didn't know for sure Is this the will of God or is it just some feeling I have? So Or did our courtship about three months prior to that I began to seek God earnestly and pray earnestly Concerning this one and and and see if God if this is really the one that you have for me and for my life and Seemed like every time I came before God that way and You have to know God you have to know his voice.

If you don't know his voice, you're just going to go by your own feeling. But you're gonna have to learn to know his voice and you can do it now. Learn to know his voice so that when it happens you can know assuredly.

It's his voice. But he just he just began to impress upon my heart one not two not another one and It just seemed like every time I prayed about it. There was just no question came back again. This one and this was all in my own private quarters.

I hadn't left it out to to Anyone except I did leave it out to my brother-in-law now Carl and we talked about it. I think I forget When it was it was it was before they were also Making progress toward this very same step we happen to be together one evening and and We were sharing together and I don't advise that at all.

I don't advise that at all. It's not good. It's better to keep it between you and God Until you have those things clear. But anyway, I saw it God God kept impressing it on my heart it was only one and this I Didn't hurry.

There's no need to hurry. If God has the best one for you, he's going to keep the best one for you and there's no hurry. Just walk with God and let God talk to you. Mm-hmm. Well, it took about three months for me till I Again, he said muster up enough courage and and inward grit all of that.