The Leader as Solider — George Verwer

From Hearing Sermons to Acting on God's Word

You know, many lives have been changed in these leadership conferences. One of the first persons I met in Pakistan, they said they were there now because of this conference last year. And I believe this is a strategic time.

I don't believe anybody is here by accident. I don't believe God has brought you here just to listen to messages. In this country, most Christians have heard more messages than Christians I meet anywhere in the world.

We've got to get beyond sermons tonight. It's got to be something more than just another message in which we say, yes, Lord, I agree, that's good, thank you. I think many of you know my favorite C .S. Lewis quote.

I give it all over the world. But in case you haven't started to read his book, some of the greatest Christian books ever written. He said we have a tendency to think but not to act, a tendency to feel but not to act, and if we go on thinking and feeling without acting, someday we are unable to act.

I've taken up that theme in my own book, Hunger for Reality, calling it spiritual schizophrenia. Come with me to the book of James, where we read very clearly this exhortation, and really my message tonight is a series of exhortations.

Exhortation, Discernment, and the Call to Obedience

The ministry of exhortation is greatly neglected in the church today. We acknowledge in the church today there was a neglect of Bible exposition, and there's more and more Bible exposition going on and we need it.

I've just been reading Campbell Morgan, who was one of the great men to lead in that emphasis of Bible exposition. But you know, in Whitfield's day, that goes back before Campbell Morgan, all of his workers were called exhorters.

They exhorted one another. They challenged one another. And God wants to give some of you as leaders the ministry of exhortation, and that takes a lot of wisdom. Tozer said the greatest gift needed in the church today was discernment.

Exhortation without discernment can often be destructive. And I want to share with you, instead of just a more traditional message, though I'm sure you didn't get any traditional messages from our stick of dynamite from all nations, I want to just share this series of exhortations and trust that you can think about it in the weeks and months to come.

And I do this because in James chapter 1, starting at the 19th verse, says,. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

I learned that the hard way. Wherefore, put away all filthiness and overflowing of wickedness, and receive with meekness the engrafted Word, which is able to save your souls. Be doers of the Word. Doers of the Word.

Not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the Word, and not a doer, like a man looking at his natural face in a mirror, he beholdeth himself, he goes his way, and immediately forgets what manner, what kind of person he was.

But whosoever looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth in it, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the Word, this man shall be blessed in his deed. God is calling us to action.

God is calling us to be doers. And this is something you're going to have to search your heart over tonight. Some of you may not sleep so well tonight, as you think about these things that you've heard today.

Just this challenge of the Muslim world. Just this challenge of China. That alone should cause us. I'm the kind of person that easily feels guilty. I don't think that's the biggest problem with most people.

But I usually feel guilty, and I especially feel guilty, and wrestle with things if I sense I've hurt anybody. And if anything I say tonight really hurts you personally, I really would like you to write to me.

I mean that, and say, look, you hurt me. This is my background. What you said collided with my background, where I am. I'm confused. I'm hurt. Can you help me? And I'll send you this book, Healing for Damaged Emotions.

This is one of the most significant books in the 20th century. Now, I can't send that free to too many of you. So you've got to legitimately be able to say, look, you really hurt me. And if you're hurt by somebody else, then you buy the book.

They may have copies on the book table. But I haven't been back to get all of this as organized as I would. That was also on my memo. I will just throw this in, by the way. My side messages are usually better than the main street.

So don't, you know, don't tune out when I go down the side road. One of the most significant things you young men and women could do, if you really mean business for God, is to learn to type. Now, does that sound like a tangent?

Practical Skills and the Wide Range of Missionary Service

Learn to type. Because one of the greatest needs in the work of God is for secretaries. That usually starts with typing. And I'll tell you, OM is faced with a lot of problems. And one of the reasons is we can't get committed secretaries who really see this as a ministry, not a secondary thing that they're doing while they're waiting for the tide to blow in with Johnny on top of it.

But it's a ministry that God has called them to. And I would really ask you to pray that God would give us secretaries in Bombay, in Lucknow, in other parts of the world, because it's a great need and it's a great mistake we think that only preachers and theologians are needed on the mission field.

We need mechanics. We need secretaries. We need people who know how to drive vehicles, after some of the people I've just driven with. I got a special burden for that. This one brother I was with, I thought he was in a bowling alley and the people were the pins.

But it's amazing. The wide range of people that are needed on the mission field. Anyway, that's a tangent. Let's get back to the main road. What is the main road? Could you tell me what I'm supposed to speak on?

Actually, they've given a title to this message. And that's right, the leader is... I knew what it was, but I appreciate it. Let's get to my next scripture. Keep James in mind and go to 2 Timothy chapter 2 and we'll get into this soldier's business.

Very unpleasant. Very unpleasant. 2 Timothy chapter 2. I really shouldn't take meetings as soon as I get back from these trips because I'm too excited. A couple of years ago I said such terrible things that I had to ban the tapes.

It's one of the few banned tapes. I think Peter Maiden has it, sells it on the black market. 2 Timothy chapter 2, I can't even find it. You get jet lag. I knew I had jet lag as I was standing on the escalator going down Victoria Station.

You know why? Because I left my briefcase on the trolley in the main station. I got halfway down, I thought something's missing. I had two shoulder bags, one with tapes, one with correspondence. But there was something missing in this hand.

It wasn't my tennis racket. It was an awful feeling. I have a lot of things in that briefcase. And I, you know, got on the other escalator going up, pushing my way. Got by the barrier without showing the ticket.

I thought I might have to buy another one. And there it was, still sitting on the trolley at the top of the stairs there in Victoria Station. How many of you have ever been in Victoria Station? Isn't that a great, great place?

Victoria Station. Anyway, anything that goes wrong tonight we'll blame on the jet lag. And if I keep trying to find Timothy in the Old Testament... Anyway, I can quote the verse Paul wrote to Timothy and he said, Endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

Scripture Memorization and Spiritual Training

You know, one of the reasons I think a lot of... Here's another tangent. A lot of young Christians have so much difficulty in their faith is they don't memorize scripture. Really. Has this been emphasized today already?

I always try to find out what's emphasized so I don't just repeat things. But one of the greatest burdens I had in Pakistan... And this is another reason I'm nervous. I'm not used to these big crowds.

You know, people think George Borrow, the great leader of O .M., he only speaks to big crowds. Most all of my meetings for the last two and a half months were between 30 and 100 people. And I was just as motivated, I think, with those meetings as I am here tonight with this great crowd.

And I hope that when you take small meetings, because leaders need to be preachers, not in every case, but in many cases, that, you know, you'll never be ashamed or lack motivation to speak even to a few people.

I remember I spoke in that great church in Scotland. How many here from Scotland? Not enough. Too far. We should run buses from Scotland and Hebrides. I tell you, there's people up there, they've got something.

And I don't want to get into that controversy. But I was in this huge church in Strathpiffer. Have you ever been in Strathpiffer? Maiden spends a lot of time up there. It just outlives Scotland. No one is ever deciding what Carlisle is.

But a giant church. Next to the OM team we had about six people, maybe twelve. And, you know, when I looked in there, I just... Terrible feeling. And yet somehow the Lord gave grace to just pour out my heart to those few people.

And most of my meetings were small. And one of the things I was emphasizing, memorizing Scripture. I think I'd rather emphasize that than preach a sermon. If I can get you to memorize Scripture, it could be the major factor in totally revolutionizing your life.

How many of you already memorize Scripture systematically, at least one verse a week? I want to be generous. Even one verse every two weeks you memorize Scripture. Beyond, raise your hand. That's encouraging.

Almost a dozen of you. I just got Mike Wakeley's message on positive thinking. But I believe he's the leader of the work in Pakistan. If you have even a slightest interest in Pakistan, you think that possibly, maybe, somehow, in God's unusual, phenomenal way, you might ever think of going to Pakistan, 90 million people, a wide open door, that if I even start thinking about it, I'm liable to go into orbit.

But if you have any interest at all, please write to Gary Dean, who's here, Mr. Pakistan, or Mike Wakeley. Really, because I wanted to give a whole message about Pakistan, and I don't have time. Scripture memorization, I believe, is more important than listening to more and more messages.

You learn to feed yourself. You learn to meditate to the point where it's memorized. And I'd like you to put on that feedback paper, if you'll commit yourself to try, not promise, but to try to memorize two or three or four verses a month, I would like you to put that on that feedback, and I want to pray for you at least once.

I want to pray for you with that little piece of paper you're going to give me and say, Lord, help that person in their Scripture memory work. And I want to send you, it'll be a couple of months, because it's just being published, a tremendous little book on Scripture memory.

We're publishing in India, so it's costing a fraction of what it would cost, but it'll be a few months before I get that book. Put on the feedback, send me that book about memorizing Scripture, and memorize 2 Timothy chapter 2, endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

The Macedonian Call and Guidance in Missions

Now I want you to turn to a Scripture in the book of Acts. The book of Acts. This I definitely have found. It's a bigger book, and it's easier to find. And I want us to look at that place where this great Macedonian call came in the 16th chapter, the 6th verse.

By the way, there is a special tape on policies of O .M. in Pakistan. I'd be thrilled if it gets sold out back there to send you that as a gift. Just ask for it. And you know these tapes are very, let me teach you a little thing about tapes.

If somebody's punched the little plastic things out of the back of the tape, you can push chewing gum in there, and you can erase over the tape without any problem at all. So that's a real bargain. Anytime anybody offers you a free cassette, just get it.

Just erase it. Do whatever you want with it. But I'll tell you, when you listen to that Pakistan tape, you will not erase it. You will not erase it. Because God is doing something in that country, and in all of the subcontinent that's very special.

And in a sense, my just coming right from there, after two and a half months there, I used to live there for a couple of years, mainly in India, I feel I can share with you in this way. Now when they had gone throughout Pergia and the region of Galatia, and were forbidden, that's interesting, it's good to know who's the real director of God's work, isn't it?

Were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia. Have you ever read Tozer's devastating little booklet? I just re-read it. The waning authority of Jesus Christ in the church. It's the strongest message to the church I've ever read.

I'm actually scared to distribute it, because it gets people into extremes. So I don't want you requesting that. The waning authority of Jesus Christ in the church. After they were come to Mycenae, they attempted to go into Bethany, but the Spirit allowed them not.

The Spirit allowed them not. And they, passing by Mycenae, came down to Troas. And a vision appeared to Paul in the night, and there stood a man of Macedonia beseeching him and saying, come over into Macedonia and help us.

And after he had seen the vision immediately, we endeavored to go into Macedonia. Very subjective guidance. Sounds like extremism to me. We endeavored to go into Macedonia, assuredly gathering that the Lord had called us to preach the gospel unto them.

Years ago, some people used to refer to this as a missionary call. And this got twisted in people's minds. That this was a message for you to leave your secular job and to become a full-time missionary.

And this led to this concept that to become a missionary, you really needed a vision. You needed a very emotional, special, paying call to be a missionary. I believe the devil has used that false concept to try to hinder the work of world missions more than we'll ever know.

And probably some of you are living with that same illusion that God hasn't called you to be a missionary. Now, a sort of low-profile type of call in which you're speaking more about the guidance of God, you know, I'm not going to oppose that.

But you need guidance to take up a particular secular job. You need guidance to decide whether you're to go to university or whether you're to go somewhere else. And, of course, you need guidance if you're going to be a full-time missionary or even go out in short-term missionary work.

How I would love to speak to you on 20 reasons why I believe in short-term missionary work. When I say short, I mean two years. Now, I also believe in these summer training programs. I don't think of that as short-term missionary work.

I think of it as just what it's called, a summer of training. And it also has a vital place. And I think God has proven that for a long time. But more and more missionaries all over the world, in the some 50 nations where I've had the privilege of ministering, share with me that they need both short-term and longer-term people.

You know, I'd love to speak to you on maintaining the balance in our missionary thinking. I've even got the notes here in my Bible. I don't like to lose them. And I've got about 30 points on how to maintain the balance in your missionary thinking.

I touch a few of these things in my book, No Turning Back. But you know, I think Satan is trying to polarize. Satan is trying to bring people with different types of missionary vision into being at odds with each other in order to hinder their work.

That's why, you know, if somebody has a strong emotional missionary call and they go to the field, you know, praise the Lord, I'm not going to judge them. But you know, God works in different ways in different people.

And I believe that World Missions is closely linked with the local church and the local church should be praying and seeking because they have a vision and they want to evangelize the world. Who are the people in our midst that we should at least talk to about this possibility?

I know God uses many other methods. But I think we're seeing more and more the place of the local church in World Missions. And one thing I want to warn you about this conference, we don't want to think of this conference as being separate from your local church.

And we hope that your loyalty to your own Bible-based church will be greater as a result of being here. And not go back there just mouthing off new ideas. Not go back there as if you're some kind of a leader.

I know you won't do that. But to continue for a long time with your L-plates. I remember the day. It was a great day in my life. After driving for 20 years, I took the British driver's test. I had been praying.

I had many people praying because I'm not a very good driver. And I have a lot of bad habits. But I went forward in the name of the Lord, claiming adversity. And got behind the wheel. I had this absolute stoic giving me the test.

And it was an emotional moment in which well, he just said, Mr. Verwer, you've failed the test. So we just kept the L-plates on and I took lessons. Over 10 lessons. Cost a lot of money, but the Lord can provide.

I think we paid that bill. And it was a great day when I finally passed that test. You are a learner in training. If you come into OM, we consider the first 10 years training. And I hope that somehow we can really understand there are no shortcuts to the kind of apostolic ministry that we are longing to have in India and Pakistan and Bangladesh.

And it was my joy on this trip to meet OMers who had been 10 years in training and to see some of them now in that kind of ministry. Planting churches even among the most contrary religious groups where there has been very little fruit up till now.

And if I got talking about that, we would surely never get out of here. Leaders in training. Some of you are probably going to discover through this leadership conference that you're really not ready for much leadership yet.

And you need to slow down a little bit and start memorizing the scriptures and get your basics sorted out. And in God's timing, He will give you some responsibilities. The Word warns us against laying hands too quickly on people.

That's why I've never been very pro-youth movement even when I was 18 and got a group of older men around me who I've been responsible to for 27 years. And we need older people. And we need your churches and your pastors.

And it's together. That's why I don't like the word parachurch a little bit too much like paralyzed. The teams that go out from OM are men and they are longer term people sent out by their local congregation.

That congregation is obeying God. We are obeying God as the teams in different parts of the world. There has to be some structure. That's where the name OM came in that this work may be done decently and in order.

So this Macedonian call to me is not some special thing that is for people who are now supposed to become missionaries. Paul was already a missionary. He was already a missionary. He was already moving.

I love what John Hyman said. It's hard to guide something that's not moving. I think of our ship when it leaves the port like when it left Karachi. And had to sail off to the gulf. And when that ship sailed out of Karachi, you can be sure it didn't arrive in the gulf the next day.

It only goes at about 14 miles an hour. Less than that often to save fuel. But you know when the captain leaves the port, at least he always makes sure he's going in the right direction. You cannot leave this conference as a Christian leader.

You cannot leave this conference not having arrived at some lofty point in your Christian life. But brothers and sisters, you can leave this conference by God's grace going in the right direction. I believe, in a sense, I come this evening with a Macedonian call.

I went to Asia on this trip though I've been ministering in Asia for 20 years. I very much went as a learner because I have not ministered a lot in Pakistan. I spent a lot of my time far more than speaking, listening, reading powerful books like the People's Movement in the Punjab.

And if you're interested in world missions, you need to get into these great missionary books. You need to get into that book Perspectives on the World Christian Movement. That is equivalent to one year at any seminary.

Better in my view. Unbelievable book. That's it. I don't know, do you have any of those on the book table? I've got a bunch of them in my office. I almost grabbed them. Probably would have left them on the escalator.

But there are great missionary books. We'd be happy to send you a list of such books. You can go down to your Christian bookshop. Tremendous bookshop here in Birmingham. I think CLC, probably others as well.

Fantastic. I had the joy of opening a CLC bookshop in Karachi just a few days ago. I just think that's one of the great works of God. CLC. And if you've got any interest in literature, contact CLC. They'll sign you up before you can almost even get on OM for training.

But they do like people to go on OM for training as well. And I just really, I come back to you from Pakistan, from Nepal and I speak on behalf of the church because church leaders have given me permission to do this.

And I say, will you come and help us? Will you come? Will you give even two years of your life? I've heard some pretty destructive things at times said about short term work. Usually when I've investigated those people had a stereotype view of what short term work was.

Believe me, the short term work we're talking about in OM is no shortcut. And almost every major mission society in the world has OM graduates. And our relationship with most mission societies is something that we are very, very encouraged by.

And in Pakistan almost all the church leaders and I was meeting even with bishops, they are thrilled with what OM is doing in Pakistan. And they are saying we do need the right people. And again and again, they tell me I have the same thing in Egypt.

I didn't get time for this on this trip or my previous trips. We want these OM teams. We like them. We like them because they're international. We like to see Asians and Europeans and others working together.

We like them because they come as learners and they submit to the church. We like them because so many of them want to learn the language and the culture. They live on our level and they fit in. I cannot begin to tell you how well that team in Karachi has fit into the church in Pakistan.

And I believe one of the reasons this is possible because of OM's emphasis on balance and on patience and on love. These young people work with the church even when there are problems and there are mistakes.

In a sense, there's a lot of church difficulties in Pakistan. There's a lot of division. And these young people, instead of being judgmental or feeling they have all the answers because they had so much training in this area, they know they're just learners.

Who are they to judge the church in Pakistan? And they serve. They serve the church. And they work with the church. I've just come from 24 hours in Jordan. And one of the men who spoke in my meeting is considered a leading missionary authority in the entire.

Middle East. He spent.

50 years in the Middle East.

Speaks fluent Arabic. And I was embarrassed by his introduction.

And the compliments he paid to OM's powerful work in the Middle East and the Muslim world. Young people, there is a Macedonian call from the church in the Middle East and Pakistan and India for young men and women to come out and help them for one or two years.

They then agree with the policy that during that time those young people can see whether this is something they really can fit into as a career. I believe it is often a mistake to get a fixed idea of your exact career and your exact country before having exposure and experience and understanding of what missionary work really is.

Now I know God works in different ways in different people. And unusually gifted and strong people that get a definite word from God before they ever go out and they go out, I say praise the Lord. I would never judge.

God gave me some pretty fixed ideas in my own country before I ever went out. But you know it was because I went to Mexico when I was 19 and I discovered that I was an ugly American full of zeal but unable to discern between that which was American culture, which is so often offensive and so often hurts people.

And so many times in those days I hurt people. And God when I was just 19 and 20 I was young. I was still not so set in my ways. He broke me and humbled me and united me with Mexicans. And when I went to Spain I was I guess 21 or 22 by then.

The same thing happened. I think it was only because of that early training that I've ever been able to accomplish anything in cross-cultural communication. Yes, I give you a Macedonian call for the subcontinent area.

I know there are others that would give you a Macedonian call for other parts of the world because the need is so great. Can you think of anything as great as a subcontinent where we have a thousand million souls?

A thousand million souls. We say in the States a billion souls. That's Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal and India put together. When I think of how the Americans have swarmed into South America, literally thousands and thousands of missionaries.

When I was a student back at Moody Bible Institute, I read a leaflet South America, the neglected continent. I wrote a little paper on missions in South America. And the Americans sent thousands and thousands of missionaries to South America and literally tens of thousands of churches.

Now South America is becoming slowly a missionary sending area. So of course there's still need there. They could get visas. Many of them went to Mexico as tourists. Some went in and out of Mexico 15 years as tourists.

That's right. But Americans have had very little input into India in the last 20 or 30 years. They had some. There's some beautiful American missionaries still there. But generally speaking, the subcontinent has had to be the responsibility of Commonwealth and British people.

I believe in God's providence. He turned my direction around. I was headed for the communist world. You all know my friend Brother Andrew. God smugglers. And now you got Brother George. God's bungler.

Yeah, I'm the one that sent Imus there. I was too scared to go myself. No, I had gone before and got arrested through my own stupidity. And God changed my direction and instead of going to the Muslim world, which was the first place on my heart and still is in many ways, or the communist world, which was so much on my heart, I ended up in Great Britain February 1962.

And this became my home. And I'm very seriously, I really appreciate your prayer. I have been closer than ever to making the decision of being a nationalized British person. No problem for me. The biggest thing that the only reason I hold back is that Americans who I dearly love could misunderstand it.

My mother might misunderstand it. In fact, when I mentioned it, I think she did misunderstand it. And maybe that's not God's will. But I believe this is the place that God brought OM when it was just being born and one of the reasons was that this movement was to be a major force for God in the Indian subcontinent.

So I leave that Macedonian call with you. And none of this is going to become a reality and you and I are not going to be able to respond to this kind of call and go to this kind of hard place if we're not soldiers.

Enlisting as Soldiers in God's Army

And that's why we wanted to emphasize just a little this need to enroll as a soldier in God's army. When I was in Kathmandu a few weeks ago a whole group of Nepali soldiers went running down the road right where my wife and I were standing.

There must have been 500 of them. And I was watching them train. And wherever I go I'm interested in watching people involved in the military, the training. You know on the way back on the plane two nights ago they were showing a film and it was based on American high school football, which you would not call football.

Sort of a combination of rugby, cricket, basketball, football, and chess. And it's called American football. And it is unbelievable. It was a very real film to me because I was in that scene when God saved me.

They showed an American pep rally where the guy was screaming at the students to rededicate their lives to football. And this is exactly where I was when God found me. And I thought I remembered back in my high school days, family school days, you would say the commitment these men had to football.

I heard about these two people who were skating last night. Did any of you.

See that? Probably not if you were here in the meeting. They scored the highest score in dance skating, I don't know much about it, I think ever. I think all eight or nine judges marked them perfect. Something like that.

I've watched just enough of this skating. I went through a special thing with one of Britain's greatest skaters. And I couldn't believe it as I read about this. The training to be an ice skater. And it's the same in sport, other sports.

The training for the Olympics, the training to be a soldier. Where is this kind of training in the church? Where is this kind of single-mindedness to preparing people for the work of God? Where is this kind of training for getting effective people in evangelism?

Do you think you're going to be effective in winning Muslims to Christ through some kind of flippant nonchalant pursuit of understanding other people and cross-cultural communication? Forget it. I had the joy of being with one of our men in Bangladesh.

A man who caught this vision at Cambridge University. He went out, I guess India first, then Bangladesh. And he determined by God's grace to learn Bengali. And he was interpreting in my meetings and I saw some of the missionary mouths dropped open because they didn't know this brother.

He's living mainly out in the villages. As he spoke and interpreted absolutely fluent Bengali. That doesn't fall out of a tree. Many people in mission work don't get past the language. And this is linked with the fact that back in our church life and when we're young we are not soldiers.

We don't know how to buffet our minds. We don't know how to buffet our bodies. We don't know how to do what we know we should do instead of what we feel like doing. That's why Paul said I buffet my body and bring it into subjection lest after preaching to others I become.

A reprobate. That's Paul.

I know those are strong words but you'll have to take it out with Paul when you see him. Some people think Owen's message is too hard. I've often been criticized. My message is too hard. I heard about this Bible school in England.

It was a women's school and supposedly after I preached there they needed dozens of bottles or dozens of aspirins for all the girls. Now that was in my early days. I was a bit extreme. Now everywhere I go now people think I'm backwards.

Everywhere I go I speak about balance and I speak about love. Actually I was speaking about it back then as well. Maybe I speak about it more. You can't win if you're a preacher. I preach so much now about balance my daughter came to me some time ago and she said Dad you're getting really extreme on this balance thing.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And I know and one of the reasons I brought this album of cassette tapes that the things I say need to be brought into balance. But you know if you're not committed, if you're not on fire for God, if you're not in God's training program, if you're not a soldier in God's army then there's nothing to balance.

There's nothing to balance. We need commitment first. I don't think too much enthusiasm is the greatest problem in the average church. Forgive me I don't want to judge your church. This is an A .W. Tozer quote.

But he said he didn't feel too much enthusiasm was the greatest problem in the average church. You know the quote. I always give it.

But a lot of you look new. Let me give it again. He said to think.

This was the greatest problem in the average church was like sending a squadron of policemen to the nearby cemetery to guard against the demonstration by the residents at midnight. We need a baptism by fire.

Hebrews says our God is a consuming fire. And if we're converted people, if we're born again people that fire is in our hearts. Romans says if you have not the spirit of Christ you have not Christ. God's training program means enlisting in his army.

It's rough and it's tough. And I pray that you'll search the scriptures to see if this is so. Pick up perhaps David Watson's book Hidden Warfare. What a blow to hear when I was in Pakistan that this man went to be with the Lord.