TLP 605: Stop Your Kids from Pitting You against Your Spouse

I know, I probably shouldn't have led with this point, but I have to be honest, this point right here is one of the most important.

Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm your host, AM Brewster, and today we're going to discuss an issue that's probably reared its ugly head in every single family that's ever lived.

That's right, we're going to talk about how to get our kids to stop trying to play dad against mom and mom against dad.

If you learned something valuable today and want to continue your study, we have free episode notes, a transcript, and links to related resources in the description of today's episode.

And if you learned something valuable, I hope you'll subscribe and then share it with your friends. Obviously, if this is the first time you've joined us, definitely hit the subscribe button and plan to spend some more time with us next week.

Now, let's jump right in. Why do kids play their parents against each other, and how do they even know to do that at such a young age?

Well, if you've been with us for a while, then you know that we trust what the Bible has to say about us and our kids.

That means that, according to the Scriptures, we're all sinners. We don't have to be taught to choose our own identity and do everything we can to achieve our own security.

We don't have to be taught to be foolish and destructive in our relationships. Of course, if you are new to the show,

I invite you to listen to our Biggest Parenting Challenges You'll Ever Face series. In that series, we talk about children and security, technology, autonomy, authority, morality, sexuality, family, addictions, and identity.

And we discuss these issues from a biblical perspective. We also talk about the problem of foolishness in our

Parenting a Zombie series. The point is, we don't have to be taught to fight for what we want, and we don't have to be taught how to manipulate people into giving us what we want.

It's instinctual. It's second nature. That's why, without seeing anyone else do it, without ever being taught, even young children will make a request of the parent they think will give them what they want.

They'll tell the disagreeing parent, yeah, but mom said, or, but dad always lets me do it. In fact, some children will go so far as to deceive the first parent in order to flat out lie to the second parent.

Have you ever experienced this in your home? Well, you don't have to. We can help our children abandon this tactic.

But before we go too much further, I'd like to remind you that we have been creating this free content for nearly 10 years now, and our ability to do this has been solely the grace of God through the generous donations of the families who consume our material.

We don't have any singular organization or individual who bankrolls this ministry. We also don't make much money off the products and services we sell.

We're able to continue doing this because God's people give 5, 10, 20, or even $100 a month.

Little by little, those funds add up, and most years we're honored to steward the $20 ,000 or so that our listeners give.

But this year, as we approach our 10th anniversary, we're dreaming big and asking you to partner with us to reach a goal of $100 ,000.

This is an unprecedented ask, I know, but I believe the Lord will be glorified by helping Truth Love Family reach more and more families with the redeeming truth of His word.

So whether it's $5 or $500, we humbly ask you to help us continue serving families all over the world.

I don't think any one person is going to donate $100 ,000, though I'd love it if they did.

So it's probably going to happen as all of our listeners work together and give what they can. You can learn more at truthloveparent .com

forward slash donate, and I thank you in advance for coming alongside this ministry. Now let's talk about how to parent your kids so that they stop pitting you against your spouse.

Number one, stop pitting yourself against your spouse. I know

I probably shouldn't have led with this first point, but I have to be honest, this point right here is one of the most important.

The temptation to play you against your husband or wife is so incredibly high when you've already shown your kids that you're actually against each other.

Now your sin obviously doesn't justify theirs, but our topic is how to help your kids to stop doing this.

So don't you think it's a good idea if the two of you stopped doing it yourselves? We did an episode a while back called

One Flesh, One Team. That might be a good place to start. Of course, we also have the Peaceful Parenting series that teaches us to have peace in our homes.

I also wrote a book about overcoming family strife called Quit. We have another podcast, a series on biblical conflict resolution, and there's an online family devotional we created called

A Family United in God. By the way, that devotional normally costs $50 and comes with an eight -part study through the book of Ephesians with life work and discussion questions to help your family achieve

God's plan for your unity. If that devotional sounds like a resource to benefit you and your family, then

I've got some great news for you. First, if you use the link in the description, you can get that devotional on the Evermind app for only $25.

But if you become a monthly donor, you have access to everything on the Evermind app for free.

So that's cool. The point is, we talk about this a lot because family division is a very real and all too prevalent thing.

And since a house divided against itself cannot stand, if you're trying to find ways of keeping other people from pitting you against each other, you should probably start working on that log in your own eye before addressing the same sliver in somebody else's eyes.

Now, that can be a difficult process. So if you're interested in working with a biblical counselor, stick with us to the end and I'll give you some contact information of biblical counselors who can help.

Believe it or not, your children will be less tempted to think they can separate the two of you if you're a unified couple.

Number two, teach your children that this behavior is wrong. I know, it sounds simple.

In preparation for this episode, though, I perused what the internet had to say on the topic of kids playing their parents against each other.

And nine times out of ten, telling the children that such behavior won't be tolerated wasn't even mentioned by the quote -unquote experts.

But if you're being biblical ambassador parents, then our kids need to understand why that behavior doesn't please the

Lord. We have to teach them what is right and what is wrong. We need to reprove them when they do what is wrong.

And we need to invite them to change so that we can lovingly correct and train them. You can learn more about being a biblical ambassador parent on our

Biblical Parenting Essentials series. Have you ever taken the time to sit your children down and teach them from the scriptures why they shouldn't pit you against your spouse?

If not, why not? And if not, why not now? You can do this even if your kids have never tried to pit you against each other.

There's nothing wrong with preemptively teaching our kids how to avoid temptation. We don't teach our kids not to steal only after they've stolen, do we?

But Aaron, what if I'm not sure how to do this? What does the Bible actually have to say about playing parents against each other?

The answer to that question could be an episode all in itself, but I'll give you a few starting places. Letter A, the

Bible doesn't directly address this. Historical anecdotes like when Rebecca worked against her husband

Isaac to help her son Jacob get what he wanted is close, but it's not exactly what we're discussing since Rebecca instigated that herself.

That event takes place in Genesis 27. Therefore, we need to have a more robust understanding of God's expectations for our lives in general and how

His will should impact each of our decisions particularly. So Letter B, the Bible has a lot to say about honesty.

Much of this manipulation involves some sort of deceit. Proverbs 12 .22 and Ephesians 4 .25

are great starting places for that discussion. By the way, I'm about to throw a number of Bible passages at you, but don't worry if you can't write them all down.

Our episode notes will have them all. Letter C, the Bible has a lot to say about honoring your parents.

Exodus 20 .12 and Ephesians 6 .1 -3 teach the importance of honoring, and you will need to help them see how pitting you against each other isn't showing honor.

It's hurting people for the child's own perceived benefit. Letter D, the

Bible has a lot to say about obedience. Whether they understand it or not, if you've told them they're not allowed to manipulate you like that, to attempt to do so is simply disobedience and therefore a sin for which they need consequences.

The Ephesians 6 .1 passage hits on the importance of obedience as well. E, the

Bible has a lot to say about causing division. Proverbs 6 .19 and Galatians 5 .19 -21 are just a couple passages that touch on this.

And F, the Bible has a lot to say about speaking truth and love. Ephesians 4 .15 and verse 29 as well as 1

Corinthians 13 go into great detail about this point. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

There are so many other biblical principles that can be brought to bear on this subject. So first, we need to stop pitting ourselves against our spouses.

Second, we need to teach our kids that this behavior is unacceptable. And from there, we simply need to build on that foundation.

Number three, be wise enough to confer with your spouse before answering your child.

This is especially important if you've noticed a tendency for your child to target the one parent who they think will agree with them.

Knowing this is a temptation for the child, it can be very helpful to not give permission until you've spoken with your spouse.

Listen, we don't have to be arrogant here. I know you're perfectly capable of answering the child's question. But in situations when you and your spouse frequently disagree on these points, or if there's a question about the way your child is going about it, then there's great wisdom to say, that's a good question.

How about you and I bring your mom slash dad into this to figure out the best plan of action. This honors your spouse.

This presents a unified front. And this communicates to the child that dad and mom desire to make important decisions together.

And if your son or daughter all of a sudden responds with, nevermind, it's not that big of a deal, or forget about it, or he or she starts complaining, now

I definitely won't be able to do it. Then you have a pretty decent confirmation that this was a premeditated choice on your child's part to set the two of you against each other.

Or bare minimum, simply to take advantage of the parent who would have given them what they wanted. But you're probably going to forget from time to time as you build this new habit.

So let's say that you and or your spouse answers a child and they head off right to the other.

Number four, when your children attempt to manipulate you, revolve your priorities.

If you've never heard of revolving priorities, you will enjoy the episode linked in the description. For now, though, the basic idea is that far too often we parents get distracted from the more important concern because of our initial desires or responses.

Here's how this plays out. Your child comes to tell you that your spouse has given them permission to do something for which you wouldn't have given permission.

Too often our initial response is to be frustrated with the spouse. Another initial desire would be to disagree with the child about how they won't be doing it even if the other parent thinks it's okay.

But the real need of the moment is that your child is clearly working the two of you. In that situation, it doesn't matter what the other parent supposedly thinks about the request.

And it doesn't really matter what the child was requesting because the real issue is that whether on purpose or not, the child appears to be pitting the two of you against each other.

In this situation, you should take the child to the first parent and have a conversation about what the child has attempted to do.

If you've already taught them that such behavior is inappropriate, then this conversation will be much easier and probably shorter.

It's not the disagreement between the parents and it's not even really about the child's request at this point. The real priority of the moment is the manipulation, lie, disobedience, dishonor, or whatever the main issue happens to be.

And finally, number five, be consistent. Whether it's consistency in uniting with your spouse, teaching your child not to play their parents, conferring with your spouse before answering your child, revolving your priorities, or simply faithfully giving consequences when your children try to pitch you against each other, strive to be perpetually constant.

Not only is inconsistency a sign of spiritual immaturity, but it's also a safeguard for your kids.

How valuable would a childproof cap be if it were only sometimes childproof? How thankful would you be for a fire alarm that worked randomly or brakes on your automobile that were inconsistent?

Biblically consistent parenting is the safest thing you can do for your children. Ecclesiastes 9 .10

says, Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. In 1 Corinthians 9 .24 -27 we read,

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.

Now everyone who competes in the games exercises self -control in all things. They then do it to receive a corruptible crown, but we an incorruptible.

Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim. I box in such a way as not beating the air, but I discipline my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others,

I myself will not be disqualified. Our faithful perseverance results in our greatest good, but it also provides the necessary perpetual accountability our kids need.

Thank you for joining us today. I pray something here challenged you to think differently about this topic. So will you please share this episode with your friends and family so that they too can be challenged to parent their kids toward Christlikeness.

And feel free to email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you'd like some help being the biblically consistent parent

God called and created you to be. And join us next time as we talk about how resolving one problem needs to reveal others.

I'll see you then. Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

And remember that TLP is a listener supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.