Can I Divorce My Spouse Because of Abandonment or Abuse — Shane Idleman

Jesus’ Teaching on Divorce and Sexual Immorality

Matthew 19, we ended right around verse nine where Jesus says, and I say to you that whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery. And whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.

Now this is a very volatile topic because it creates a lot of friction on both sides. We've already had people emailing us, you know, trying to correct theology here. They think that the only way you can get remarried is if your spouse dies.

But we looked at that last week where Jesus said except for sexual immorality. And I would encourage you, if you weren't here, go back and listen to last week's message. But tonight I actually titled the message, can I divorce because of abandonment and abuse?

Approaching Divorce, Abandonment, and Abuse Carefully

Can I divorce my spouse over abandonment or abuse? Physical abuse, mental, emotional abuse. Because we tackled adultery last week and now we're gonna tackle this topic. But I wanna say this up front, as I said last week.

On this area we move very cautiously and very carefully. And I truly believe that only God can answer this question. I don't think a pastor can tell you, yes, you should divorce or no, you shouldn't or whatever because there's always two or three sides and there's something in the middle that we don't know about where God knows the heart, God knows the situation.

So anytime I talk about a subject like this, I point people back to the relationship with God, their walk with Christ, look to the word, look to obedience through his word and let him direct you and let him guide you.

Because this is a serious issue, isn't it? I mean, you're talking about marriage and divorce and remarriage. And the heart of God is reconciliation. I'm a proponent of restoration and reconciliation and I actually came across a study that I saw some time ago this week and I wanna share it with you.

A focus on the family newsletter stated that when a research team studied 5 ,232 married adults who were interviewed in the late 1980s, they discovered that 645 of them were unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults, some divorced, separated or still married, were interviewed again.

The study revealed that 2 3rds, 2 3rds of the unhappily married spouses who stayed together were actually happier five years later. The opposite is true for those who divorced. Although those divorced may temporarily escape the pain, divorce introduces new emotional and relational difficulties and this is a good point to remind you that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

You know what the old saying is? The grass is green, it's where you water it. That's how you get green grass is you water it. And you water it and you water it. So we look at this and I've talked to many couples, you've seen it yourself, the devastation that divorce brings and often the grass is not greener on the other side.

It's just as dead and just as dry and that's why we encourage people to work through it and God wants to bring restoration and it's not a pretty topic sometimes. Sometimes there's always an exception to what I'm preaching about in regard to sometimes a person gets out of a destructive relationship.

There's adultery, there's abuse, different things and they find somebody else and God really blesses that marriage and gives them wonderful children. But that's the exception. Many times the devastation that comes after divorce is debilitating and it hurts the kids and we know that.

Repentance and Hope for Those Who Left

But let me take just a minute, take this opportunity to speak to the Christian who has no solid scriptural grounds for divorce yet they chose to leave. This is serious. We would not intentionally walk into the enemy's camp yet this is what we do when we walk out from under God's covering.

The choices we make today will influence the quality of our life tomorrow. Sin takes us farther than we want to go, keeps us longer than we want to stay and cost us more than we want to pay. For some it's not too late.

If they return to God, he can restore their marriage. And I always want to throw that out there because in the Christian community, I would say that at least from what I observed, many of the divorces and separations are not biblical to just be completely honest with you.

They're not only not biblical, I think most people can restore and work through that. The large majority, I know the last 10 or so, last dozen or so marriages that I saw ended in divorce, I would have to say that I would not agree with any of them.

There was always hope in all of those. If both the spouses would just came and sought God, God could rebuild. So I think this is a big area because Christians now, we've kind of come alongside of the world in this area of no fault divorce and we can just divorce for any cause and let me find this one and let me go to this new model and this isn't working and on this topic though, I don't want to minimize difficult marriages.

You realize that, right? I'm not just saying, oh, suck it up, get through it. You know, because those who have been trapped in a difficult marriage know that it's prison. It is a prison that it's hard to get out of.

So I don't want to minimize that either and I also want to offer hope for the hurting because when I gave the message last week, we also get responses from people or some of you who were here saying, Shane, I didn't divorce correctly and I'm in a marriage I probably shouldn't be.

What, I don't know what to do. There's anxiety and there's depression and well, I want to encourage hope that God looks at your heart. If the couple would acknowledge, Lord, this was not of your will.

We maybe lived together beforehand. We did these things. If you get back into, the best way to get back into God's arms of forgiveness and restoration is through repentance. That's how you bridge the gap.

That's how you restore that relationship. So there's always hope for the hurting. There's always hope to say, say, Lord, this relationship that I'm in now, this marriage is not right but it's too late.

I can't go back 20 years and reverse everything and fix all those things. God, I wish I could. He sees your heart. He looks at the heart of man and then he begins to rebuild and restore and I actually read some very interesting things online that I probably shouldn't have of people giving scenarios that if you're in a marriage that you shouldn't be, you need to divorce that spouse and go back to your previous spouse from 15 years ago and if they're married now, they need to divorce their spouse and go back to you because both of you are living in sin.

Hmm, kick the kids to the curb and go back, huh? I mean, if you just think this stuff through but that's the letter of the law, not the spirit of Christ. To go back to your spouse from 15 years ago, divorce your wife, give up your kids and go back to hold on to some doctrinal issue I don't think is the heart of God, number one.

Number two is if the heart repents and acknowledges, Lord, we made a mistake, this was not of your will but we both acknowledge it, we repent and now we wanna seek you. I don't think God's gonna, nope, nope, too bad.

You're gonna suffer for the rest of your life, you miserable sinners. You made a huge mistake. That's not God. God is wanting us to, there's hope for the hurting. As long as we redirect. So that's what I tell couples because I've met them who they're actually married to the person they cheated on with their spouse.

That's what we call a sticky situation. There's some difficulty there. I mean, and they're like, well, do I divorce them now, 20 years later and my advice is always seek God. Get back into repentance and following his will and let God restore those years somehow that the canker worm took and the locust and that's metaphorically speaking of how the devourer can devour things.

So that's what I would encourage you. There's always hope for the hurting. If you're in a wrong relationship, well, if you're in a wrong relationship, I better clarify that and you can get out, don't only get out, run out.

Rejecting “Plan B” and Rebound Relationships

And I know there's people right now that I know of that are dating people they shouldn't be dating. They're engaged to people they should not be engaged with and the spouse is still wanting restoration but they have, what did we talk about last week?

Backup plan, plan B. If plan A doesn't work out. So in that regard, I'm saying run for cover, break off that relationship, whatever it takes. Here's what happens though. They fall in love with the other person and they fell out of love with that person.

Actually, they didn't fall into love. They fell into lust but that's a whole nother story because love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't envy, it doesn't boast. It's not rude, it's not proud. They don't really have the right definition of love.

They lust after this person. They've given their attraction. Now they're attracted to this person and they can't go back to this person because I don't like them anymore. Well, love doesn't leave you, you leave love.

And if God is saying this is a wrong relationship, the best thing you can do is remove your feelings from the equation and go do what is right and watch the feelings follow. Because that's the majority of the frustration that comes from pastoral counseling in this area is they say, I don't love them anymore but I love this new person.

God must want me to be with them. No, it's called sin and you're going in a very bad direction. You don't trust your feelings. You don't trust, and I would have to say that the majority of time, that's the problem.

Plan B. Plan B prevents the majority of restorations that I have seen in all of my Christian ministry. Plan B, yeah, the girl or the boy on the side. You know what I'm talking about. Dating, can't give them up, can't release them.

That's why when somebody's separated or even recently divorced, I always encourage, you don't date anybody. You date God. That's who you're dating. That's who you're spending time with because it always gets in the way.

It always messes with our feelings. Then we start thinking, oh, I wonder if God really brought me this person. I know the Bible says this and I know it really isn't right, but maybe it's not right. No, that's not, God always does things according to his word and according to his nature.

So be very careful in that area. And we kind of touched on a lot of that last week. So this week, what about abandonment? Can I divorce my spouse because of abandonment? They've left me. Well, let's read 1 Corinthians 7 .10.

Paul’s Instruction About Separation and Reconciliation

Paul's speaking here. Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord. A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

And a husband is not to divorce his wife. Boy, if that scripture was more clearly taught and was brought up more often in pre-marriage counseling and in marriage counseling, that would stop a lot of the divorces that are going on in our nation that are not biblical.

I don't know about you, but that's pretty clear. If there's not the scriptural grounds that we talked about that Jesus gave yesterday, a wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

So if there's a separation, the two options are reconciliation or stay single. Single. Reconciliation or stay single. Not go visit Chippendales. Is that even still around? I don't know, I'll probably date myself.

Not go find Mr. or Mrs. right now. That's the option. So many people, when they separate, say okay, you're separated, guess what? You're staying single according to God's will or you're gonna be reconciled later.

Those are your options. I don't like those options. Well, that's what, it's really crystal clear here. Now, again, this is just my opinion on this issue, but I believe that abuse would follow under this umbrella.

If a person's being emotionally abused, and some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Majority of you probably don't. But emotional abuse is, oh, if I could tell you some of the stories. It's the person who leaves two teaspoons of milk in the milk carton in the refrigerator because they want to get back at that person.

And they just make their life miserable. Emotional abuse. They tell them off. They use the kids against them. They use scripture against them. They just live in misery. It's almost like the enemy has sent them to emotionally abuse their spouse.

And the stories I've heard are, I mean, it just, it would make you cringe. So if a spouse leaves because of that, I believe it would fall under this heading that they are to remain single or be reconciled later.

Again, my opinion. I don't see where. Now, there are good Bible teachers who would say that physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, that you could divorce on that ground and go remarry somebody else.

In my opinion, I think it would fall under this heading of if she does depart, let her remain unmarried. Or be reconciled later on if that changes a person. And here's one thing about separation. Sometimes I'll get a call that, you know, a counselor I recommend, because I do recommend people quite often to marriage family therapists who can better help and can meet with the person eight to 10 times and really walk them through this whole thing.

And the marriage and family therapist sometimes will recommend, you guys need to separate. And then I get the call, why'd you recommend this person? They're recommending me, I divorce my spouse. No, they didn't recommend divorce.

They recommended separation. Because often, we need to separate and remove ourselves from the environment. Number one, to see how bad this is getting. When the spouse packs up their stuff, takes the kids and says, I'm out of here.

That's ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Wake up call, many times. And that's what Paul says here. If they are to depart, let them remain unmarried. Let them remain separated. Or be reconciled later on. A lot of times when we separate, God begins to work in our hearts.

Because we're separated, we're seeking him. We see the chaos that we're creating. And, because a lot of times, if you stay with somebody, you're enabling them, right? It's a wife who keeps coming back to the drunken husband and keeps getting hit and hit.

Week in and week out, keeps coming back, keeps coming back, keeps. Why is he gonna stop? Of course, there's legal reasons and calling the police and different things. But many times, if the wife leaves, takes the kids, you're not even gonna know where I'm at, that shakes him up, that wakes him up, or her.

It can go the opposite direction, too, nowadays, right? So that's the point, I believe, of this scripture. If it's unbearable, if there's a challenge, if there's a difficult, if she departs, she needs to remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

Responding to Spousal Abuse and Safety Threats

Spousal abuse is an epidemic, too, in the church. It's cruel, it's violent treatment. It can be physical abuse, of course. Physical abuse. And if a man ever touches a woman in that way, I think they're a coward.

I think deep repentance needs to take place. And I think that that is something that you should be ashamed of. And it's not macho, it's not manlike. Well, my dad did it. Well, you shouldn't. That's not Christ-like.

Repentance needs to take place. And if those things are happening in the home, then I believe the spouse, especially what about if there's safety issues with little children involved? I mean, I know of a man who grabbed his little children in that infant, you know, shaken baby syndrome where you can shake them to death and through the child, or different things, and the child's just, I think the mom or the dad, sometimes in the reverse, has the responsibility to remove that child from that atmosphere.

Again, not go plan B, not go meet somebody who's a great schooner, not go to Vegas and just let my hair down with the girls. No, that's not the time for this. Because that's what happens. Everybody's laughing, right?

But that's what people do. I'm separated, that means I'm free. No, it doesn't. It does not mean you're free. It means now you've got more time to seek God. And so when there's a spousal abuse on either side, emotional, physical abuse, I believe that there comes a time when the person can leave and they remain unmarried or be reconciled later to their husband.

When an Abandoned Spouse May Move Forward

Now, what about if the spouse meets somebody, they get married, they're moving on with their life, well, Shane, then can I move on with my life? What'd I say at the beginning? Don't ask me. These great, only God can answer questions like that.

That's a good argument, though. I mean, if the spouse has moved on, if they're an unbeliever, if they've cheated and they've committed altering, they're moving on with their life, you need to take that to God and let Him answer that question because ultimately you need to have peace on that direction.

You need to have peace and you need to say, okay, Lord, there's consequences to this hurt, but I have peace about what you're doing now in my life. And let God answer it because if I answer it, that's not gonna hold you.

Every month it goes by, I wonder if Pastor Shane was right. Oh, no, I don't know if he was right or not. Take it to God. And it's a difficult situation. We have to remember that divorce was not God's idea.

He hates divorce. And when that happens, it rips the two apart. And then we wonder, oh, Lord, why aren't I whole again? I wanna be whole again. I don't wanna have any of these consequences. No, there's consequences.

There's consequences for our actions. There's consequences for divorce. But God can rebuild and redeem all of that. However, it's not gonna be void of pain, which we all want, right? If you could just remove the pain of divorce, the pain of separation, I would be good, God.

But if I could stand up here another hour, I could give you testimony after testimony after testimony that it was actually the pain that brought the prodigal son home. It was the pain that brought the marriage back together.

Without that pain, many times we won't change. Now, verse 12, 1 Corinthians 7, 12. But to the rest, he's saying to the rest of the people out there, not the Lord say. Let me read that again. 1 Corinthians 7, 12.

Marriage Between Believers and Unbelievers

But to the rest, I, there we go, I forgot that. I, not the Lord say. And this is interesting. Paul sometimes will say, the Lord says this. And then he says, but I say this. And it's not necessarily a commandment from the Lord, but Paul's feeling led to write this.

If any brother has a wife who does not believe and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. So that, unless I'm reading this wrong, that would tell me if a brother has a wife who does not believe and she wants to leave, then there might be grounds there.

And we're gonna get to that in a minute. If any brother has a wife who does not believe and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.

So we have this imagery now of people coming to know Christ, they're filled with the Spirit of God, they're Christians and their spouse is not. Paul's saying, listen, if they're willing to live with you, make that marriage work.

Again, not talking about adultery and abandonment and abuse or any of those things, but the unbelieving spouse, and I know many in this situation, if they're willing to live with you, make that marriage work.

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband, otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. Would somebody like to give me a commentary on that one?

Okay, good, you don't have to. Let me, here's what I'm thinking. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified. Now, sometimes people confuse this with saved. Okay, because the unbelieving husband, because the believing wife is staying together with her husband, he's sanctified now, he's good with God.

No, he's not good with God salvation-wise. Actually, if you look up the word sanctified, it means making something legitimate or making something binding. So my opinion, what Paul's saying here is the unbelieving husband is, the marriage is legitimate in the sight of God because of the woman or the other spouse who is a believer.

God recognizes that marriage, it's sanctified, it's legitimate, and now because of that, your children are clean, they are holy, they are right before God. It's not a marriage of fornication or it's not these children of a marriage that God doesn't recognize.

So the believing spouse brings into the marriage the sanctification aspect of legitimacy before God. God says, I recognize this marriage, that this believer is contending for their marriage, they're staying in this marriage, and because of this, the kids are under that covering, that holiness, not saved, but in other words, if God recognizes something and God says, I recognize this, this is legitimate, I'll keep my hand of protection on it, that's a good thing.

And remember back when Jesus was walking on the earth, people accused him of being born of fornication, not being a legitimate marriage. He was born illegitimate, not legitimate, is what they said, the people accused him of that, but of course we know that's not the case.

So Paul's saying here, if the believing spouse can stay in the marriage, it still makes that marriage legitimate in the eyes of God, and that he will still have his hand of protection or look upon that house and see those kids as still holy and set apart.

Now what about if the kids are under a certain age and they're little kids, will they still go to heaven? Boy, you guys have a lot of questions. On that note, I would encourage you to go to YouTube, type in John Piper, will infants go to heaven or will kids go to heaven when they die?

In three minutes, he does a much better job of what I can do up here. So I don't really think he's saying that they'll be saved, that the kids are now saved, don't worry about it. The kids are holy, and holy, again, is set apart for God.

There's something there where God's gonna work in that marriage, the believing spouse is bringing something to that marriage through their prayers, through their broken spirit seeking God, so that marriage is legitimate and binding in God's eyes.

The Pauline Teaching on Desertion by an Unbeliever

But if the unbeliever departs, let them depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases because God has called us to peace. So you have an unbeliever that wants to stay with the marriage, the spouse, the believing spouse needs to make that work and stay there so the marriage is legitimate there, the kids are under that covering, under that protection of God seeing that legitimate marriage.

But what about if the believer says, or the unbeliever says, bye, see you later, nice knowing you, I'm not coming back. Well, believe it or not, there's two views on this. One view says this does not mean that when a Christian is deserted by an unbelieving spouse, he or she is free to remarry.

I think John Piper would actually say this. He believes that remarriage can only take place when the spouse dies. And then you have people like John MacArthur, Chuck Smith, a lot of other Bible teachers who say in the case of abandonment and adultery.

Adultery from what we taught last week, abandonment from what we're reading right here. Here's what they would say, it means that the Christian is not bound to fight in order to preserve togetherness.

So he's saying you can't divorce them, you're just not bound to still fight and contend for your marriage. To me, that doesn't make sense because I'm still bound to the marriage. Okay, I won't fight and contend for it, but I'm still bound to this.

The unbeliever left, they're gone, I'm still bound to this. So I don't see that it means you're not, I think the word bondage is not bound, bondage, doulos, D-O-U-L-O-O-S, or something along that line in the Greek language.

It's not bound to something, you're no longer bound, you're free. The word is almost like being tied to something. And I'm bound to this, I can't move forward. Paul says you're not under bondage, that is cut loose when the unbelieving spouse leaves.

Now, that doesn't mean you go date somebody a week later. In my opinion, again, this is my opinion, when something like this occurs, it's a significant amount of time must pass because you don't know if the person left only for a season.

And if God's, you see, it all goes back to what I, this whole two-part series could be summed up in a couple sentences. Seek God with all your heart and let him direct you. You just saved me two hours worth of notes.

Because that's what this person's, if we're seeking God, God, the unbelieving spouse has left. Let me give you, you know what, I didn't have this in my notes, I didn't know if I wanted to share this, but I will.

This is what happened to me. 1998, divorce, adultery, abandonment, she left. Moved in with somebody, actually married the person, and I waited three years, 98, 99, 2000, 2001. Remained single three years after the divorce.

Prayed for restoration, but I could just sense in my heart, God was, it was not, you know when he's leading something, that's why these guys that email me that I'm in sin and I'm an adulterer and I need to repent, I just laugh at them because they don't have the heart of Christ.

They don't know what the hell I went through. Not cussing there, I'm just saying, they don't know the hell I went through, right? You got the distinction there. Some of you are like, oh, he just cussed.

No, I went through hell, and you've been there, some of you have been there, you know that. It's hell on earth. So for three years, contending, not dating, just waiting on God, but could feel that he's, and growing now in the word.

I mean, that's what turned me around. Word of God became active and alive and worship, couldn't get more church, and she's going that direction, I'm going this direction. I'm on fire for God, and she's not.

And I'm just, three years later, and then I met Morgan, actually at a church Sunday night, and we hit it off well, and I'm like, oh, oh, God, are you doing something here? Man, I don't know, you know, this is in my, the three years, I've been three years, and you know, what am I supposed to do in this?

I just had, you know, peace and different things, but I went and I asked my mom, and she actually said the same thing I was thinking. She said, why don't you email your ex-wife, tell her the situation, and see what happens?

And this is a year, I haven't talked to her at least a year, year and a half. So I remember I told Morgan I have to do this, so I emailed her, I said, hey, I've met somebody, I just want to make sure I'm completely released, and I can move forward, and it was almost like a mocking email.

It was like, get over it, please move on. Would you move on with your life? Leave me alone. I'm living with this person, we're getting married, and I felt that was my closure. I'm abandoned, I'm moving on, it took a significant amount of time, waited on God, waited on God, waited on God, felt the biological clock ticking, right?

Tick, tick, 29, tick, tick, 30, tick, tick, 31, 31, no, what am I doing? I'm gonna die here. But that rushes, right? You think, I gotta have kids now, I mean, but now I'm so glad I had them later in life, because it would have been ugly had I had kids in my 20s, it would not have been good.

So God's working on, so that's what I meant about a significant amount of time needs to pass. I sought God to the point of, I've sought him enough on this, three years, and I'm ready, I feel he's released me.

However, people will still say, I'm in sin, I'm an adulterer, I need to divorce my wife and go back to my ex, that is blasphemy, I believe. That is not the heart of God. They've got a legalistic, arrogant, Pharisee heart, and I guarantee they've never went through that, because you're experiencing the God's power, his redemptive work.

Now, they also say that if they abandon, you can't move forward. You have to just stay single. And to me, that would be bondage. That would be true bondage. Okay, I'm 29, never remarry again, just stay, I wouldn't be pastoring this church, I don't have too many single pastors.

Do you know any? I don't know. I wouldn't have a wife and these kids, I wouldn't have any of that. I would still be just bound to that. To me, that would be true bondage. That's why Paul says, you're not bound in such cases.

If the unbelieving spouse leaves, they have no plan on returning to move on with your life, you're no longer bound. Bound to what, Paul? Bound to that relationship. Move on because God wants you to live in peace.

I don't know how else anybody can read into that something different. But that's a big debate. If you go online, you'll see both sides. And it's funny, you see a gracious, understanding, loving side, and then you see these guys who just love to throw stones.

And they're just so arrogant. Capital letters, da-da-da-da-da-da. Like they're God's gift to criticism. I mean, they're gifting us criticism. They're modern day Pharisees. It's okay like John Piper to hold that view and have a loving, gracious, understanding heart and still hold your view.

I got that, that's fine. But the way a lot of these people come across, they're probably addicted to porn and they're committing adultery in their mind, and yet they're gonna chastise people for following the scriptural course.

It's just sometimes it irks me, can you tell? Oh, you can't? So anyway, that was a second view that I hold to. When a spouse leaves and has moved on with no intention of returning, God does not want the other spouse to be bound to the past.

He wants us to live in peace. But does this mean that the spouse who remains is now free to remarry? Yes, again, in my opinion, if they end the marriage and there's, in other words, too, if they desert you and they divorce you, they're also divorcing you.

I mean, if paperwork has, here's another thing. I meet people and they're dating. It's like, yeah, I was married. I haven't divorced yet, though. Well, you're, okay, hold on. State of California still recognizes your marriage, yep.

And you're not divorced, you're just separated, yep. But in God's eyes, we're divorced. Well, mm, careful, avoid appearance of evil. You know, if it still says on paper you're married and you're moving on with plan B, and it's just junk, isn't it?

It's ugly. That's what divorce is, it's ugly. When kids are involved in different things, too. So you have to be careful in this area. They are no longer slaves, they are released. Not under bondage signifies a release.

John MacArthur said the believer is under no obligation in such a case. So if a believer's wanting to contend for their marriage, the unbeliever says, I'm leaving you, I'm divorcing you, I'm done, I'm outta here.

The believer, in my opinion, is not under the bondage of that relationship anymore. I don't know what else that could mean. I honestly don't, I've got a headache over thinking about it so much, actually.

I did. But again, a significant amount of time needs to elapse. This may reveal if the person left only for a season or has chosen to leave permanently. That's why I love all these scriptures. Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.

So I could go into the new relationship knowing I've waited on God, I've renewed my strength. But those who rush, and it's always, we're rushing, right? We meet somebody, we're like, oh, I met them, and they're attractive, and now I think that's God.

No, probably not. Probably not. You're still what I call wounded. What I call rebound, right? Bing, bing, bing, bing, let me start dating. No, you need to start healing again. And you'll start looking for the Proverbs 31 woman, men, and women, you'll start looking for a man who's following wholeheartedly after Christ, and then you just try to keep up with him.

You start to look for the right things. Those on rebounds often don't look for the right things. They'll take whatever's out there. I'm just lonely, I'm desperate, I'm needy. Let me find, oh, let me just find this person.

That's what a rebound is. It's rebounding off of the old relationship. Because we hate being alone. Truth told, I love being, if I would give anything, well, I may have worded that correctly. But yeah.

But to have three years of just me seeking God was unbelievable. I mean, you can't put, I was not in a hurry. It was like, you go to your, you know, I'm just following God. I was going to church on a different church in L .A. on Wednesdays, one on Fridays.

I was just seeking God. And you could sit and read the Bible for two hours. Try doing that with little kids. You know, if you get up early now. And I could just worship all day long and I could seek his face.

And that's invaluable. And I see so many people, they waste that time. They waste it. Or marry couples without kids. Don't waste that time. Cherish it now. Cherish it, because you'll look back and go, I wish I had that time, that quiet time.

So use that time to build your relationship with God. Now, here's where it gets tricky. But what if the spouse who chose to leave is a believer, but has the fruit of an unbeliever? Have you ever thought of that?

Discerning Genuine Faith by Its Fruit

I actually had a gentleman a while back. His grounds for leaving his divorce, or leaving his, his grounds for divorce for leaving his wife, because she showed signs of an unbeliever. And I had to remind him, no, it's because you're making the environment unbearable for her.

That's why she's leaving. So see how we can get tricky with things? Oh, she's leaving me. She's acting this. She's taking me to court. She's taking all my money. That's an unbeliever. No, you've been a jerk.

You've created a very destructive environment through anger and addiction and controlling and manipulating. That's why. So we have to be careful here. Because we like to kind of shape things in our direction, don't we?

But the point is good here. If a spouse who chose us to leave, they say they're a believer, but there's no fruit. There's just, there's nothing. We don't go by what they say. We go by what they act like.