How to Raise Godly Children — Zac Poonen

So in this session we are going to talk about how to raise, how to bring up godly children. And then we will be answering some questions. First of all I want to show you a verse in the last book of the Old Testament.

God’s Purpose for Marriage and Raising Children

In the book of Malachi, chapter 2, it speaks about why God made a husband and wife one. That's a very interesting answer that the Holy Spirit gives here. In the middle of verse 15, chapter 2, verse 15, now this verse is translated slightly differently in some versions.

But here, in the NASB, in the margin, it says like this. Why did God make, train up a child in the way he should go when he is old he will not depart from it? That is positive and negative. If you bring them up in a godly way from childhood, then when they are old they will not depart from it.

If you are careless and allow them to grow up worldly when they are young, when they are old they will not depart from those worldly ways. We must never leave the bringing up of our children to the Sunday school in the church.

That is not God's will. It says in Hebrews in chapter 12, Hebrews chapter 12, and it speaks here about fathers. That just like God disciplines us, just like fathers discipline their children, it says in verse 7, it is for discipline that you endure.

God deals with you as with sons. For which son is there whom his father does not discipline? That is a question that is asked. Is there a father who does not discipline his children? Today the answer is yes.

Unfortunately there are many fathers like that. Ephesians chapter 6 tells us what fathers must do. Verse 4, bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Instruction means teaching them God's word and God's ways.

God's word and God's ways. God's word is you must teach them the Bible, the stories in the Bible, the teaching in the Bible. And God's ways means how we apply the word of God to our daily life. That is the responsibility of fathers.

If fathers fail to do it, then the mothers must do it. We see an example of that in the Bible, in Timothy's mother. Timothy's father was a Greek businessman, we read. So he was not a Jew, so he didn't have the background of the Old Testament.

He probably had no interest in spiritual things. I don't know how Timothy's mother went and married him, because her mother was also a God-fearing woman, and that grandmother had put faith in the mother, and she gave it to Timothy.

Paul says that in 2 Timothy. So it's not Timothy's father who put faith into Timothy's heart. That's because he was an unbeliever. But otherwise it is God's will that fathers should bring up children, not Sunday school.

Fathers Teaching Scripture at Home

All of you parents, you fathers must teach your children the Bible. Don't just take them to church and say they will hear it there. I know of many fathers in our CFC churches who are not teaching their children the Bible.

You don't have to be a Bible scholar. Tell them the stories in the Bible. Tell them about Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, and about David and Elijah, and about John the Baptist, and about Jesus and the apostles, and what all the New Testament teaches.

Most of us have our children at home for 18 to 20 years at least. I had four sons, and they were in my home for 18 years, each of them. At the age of 18, they all went to study in college away from home.

So I knew that I had 18 years to teach my children, and they must really know the scriptures by that time. And so I did my very best to teach them the scriptures. And it was not always by my sitting and teaching them.

There are many good Bible story books, and I got one of those books for them to read, and I had children's level books, stories in the Bible. And they would read it, and I would only ask them questions to try and find out whether they read it.

And like that, I encouraged them to read the scriptures, all of them. And by the time they were 18 years old and they left home, they really knew the scriptures. Not only they knew the scriptures, they knew God's ways that we taught in the church.

Why we don't cheat in examinations. Why we don't take money from other people without returning it. Why we must forgive everybody. Why we must not sit at home and speak evil of other people. So these are God's ways.

Why we must not hit back at other people who hit us. Why we must walk in humility. Why we must keep our thought life pure. Why we must control our tongue. Where are our children going to learn all this?

In our home. Not in the Sunday meeting. The Sunday meeting is for those who are irresponsible at home. I always say Sunday school is for unbelievers children. Believers children are taught at home. They go to Sunday school, but there's nothing they will learn there, because they want to be learned everything at home.

My children went to Sunday school in CFC Bangalore every Sunday. That was good, to fellowship with other children. But what they learned of the Bible, they learned at home. So I want to encourage all of you parents to teach the scriptures to your children.

Nowadays they've got school and so much homework and so much to study. You may not have so much time every day to teach them. But at least on the holidays, on Sunday evening perhaps, or on a Saturday evening, at least two days a week, we must sit down a little bit with them and share the scripture.

And then another good time to share the word of God, is when we sit around the table and eat our food. In our home we could never do it in the morning, because they're always getting ready to go to school.

And then lunch also, either they are eating it in the school or come and go quickly. So night is the only time when we have our dinner together that we can sit around the table as a family. For many of us it is like that.

And that is the time that is a very good time to speak about the Bible when we are eating our food. I used to talk with my children many times at the dinner table about spiritual things. Why we do certain things in certain ways.

Why we don't do this. Why we do the other thing. And like that they begin to understand God's ways. And also the Bible says we have to give them the discipline of the Lord. So that teaches us instruction and discipline are both mentioned in Ephesians 6 .4.

It's the responsibility of the father. If the father fails to do it, then the mother. Just like in most of our homes, it's the father who goes to work and earns the money. That has been the normal practice in the history of humanity for six thousand years.

The man goes and earns the living and the mother keeps the home. But if the father is sick or dead, then the mother has to do that. So if the father does not teach and discipline the children, then the mother has to do it.

The Father’s Responsibility in the Home

But if you are a father in a CFC church. And you say you are a born again believer. And you don't instruct your child. And you don't discipline your child. You must hang your head in shame. Say Lord I am ashamed of myself.

I am behaving like a woman. I want to say that. Any father who is born again in CFC. And you don't instruct your child. And you don't discipline your child. And you leave it to your wife to teach the scriptures and discipline the child.

You should be ashamed of yourself. I want to say to you that you are behaving like a woman. You are not behaving like a man. You are behaving like a woman. You should put a veil on your head in the meeting.

And if people ask you why are you a man veiling your head in the meeting. You say because I don't discipline my children. Because I don't teach my children. It is that bad. So at least from now on. I hope you will take it seriously.

I say this strongly because I see so many fathers. Who just leave that responsibility to the mother. Thank God for mothers who do that faithfully. But the bible says fathers. You must give instruction about the Lord to your children.

And it is when fathers fail. That children don't take it seriously. And they grow up ungodly. The father must be a very strong person in a home. He must be the head and the leader. So those are some simple principles.

The wife is. God created the wife to be a helper to Adam. Not the head of Adam. The helper. So your wife is meant to be a helper to you. To bring up children. So I hope we will do that more and more in our homes.

Where fathers will take that responsibility very seriously. Very seriously. In the old testament the law was. That you must have once a year the Passover feast. And you read about that in Exodus 12 and Deuteronomy.

And God's law was. When you celebrate this Passover feast about your deliverance from Egypt. The son must ask the father. Father what is the meaning of this? And the father has to say explain the meaning of that Passover feast.

He shouldn't say I don't know ask mummy. There was no such thing in the old testament. The father had to explain it. Son this is because our ancestors were slaves in Egypt. And God in a mighty way delivered them.

And the angel of death passed over our house. That's why this is called the Passover feast. And then if the son asked another thing. He should be able to explain it. So that was around a meal they talked about it.

That is God's way. When you sit around a meal. The children ask the father. And the father teaches the scriptures. And that practice is practiced among the Jewish religious families. Even today. After 3500 years.

Why is it we Christians are failing? Why is it Christian fathers are not teaching their children around the dining table? You know the Jewish people were so proud of their Jewish ancestry to Abraham. Generation after generation there are religious Jews.

Even after 3500 years. People who keep all those rituals. Because of this principle fathers were teaching their children. This is the very important principle in raising children. Now we go to these questions.

Teaching Obedience and Correcting Rebellion

The first question is how can we handle our older son. Who hesitates to obey us parents. What should we do? Well I don't want to say. That you should have thought of that when he was a baby. But very often grown up children.

Are not listening to their parents. Because the parents did not teach them from childhood. We have to teach our children to obey the parents. And if they don't obey the parents. We must punish them. The bible says one of the commandments is.

Honor your father and mother. And in the old testament. The law was very strict. That if a child was continuously rebellious. When he is grown up. Then the law was. You take him to the elders. And stone him to death.

It was the same as for committing adultery. Very severe punishment. That God instituted in the old testament. For rebelling against parents. So we don't do that in the new testament. But we have to teach our children.

To obey and honor their parents. And if they speak rudely. You must not take that lightly. You must rebuke them. Correct them right then. I have seen some small five year old children. Speak rudely to their father and mother.

Believers. And the parents just laugh at it. I have called the father and said. You must not laugh at that. You must correct him and rebuke him. He is only five years old. He treats you like this. What will he do when he grows up?

And just like I said. When they grow up they rebel against their parents. So start at the beginning. Maybe you came to the church late. And you did not know about these things. And the children were small.

And now the child is trying. Teenager or more than that. Doesn't listen to you. Then you must show your love to him. You must put your arm around him. Kneel down with him. And pray. And teach him the fear of God.

Even if he is twenty years old. But at the same time. We must not make such difficult rules for them. That they think you are interfering too much in their life. See. You can't treat a twenty year old like a five year old child.

For a five year old you can say. Even if you don't feel like coming to the church meeting. You are coming with me. You are under law. You better obey me. But when they are twenty years old. You can't force them to come to the church meeting.

He is a grown up boy. You have to only pray for him. Love him. But teach him God's word. That it will go well with children who obey their parents. Warn him that it will go badly if he continues to disobey.

And more than anything else. Husband and wife must join to pray for that child. And if you keep on praying for that grown up boy. God can still save him. So husband and wife must kneel down and pray everyday.

For such children. Okay. Another question is. In which area should we use the rod. When punishing children. Is there any age limit? See. There are different degrees of disobedience. Some disobedience is very serious.

Some disobedience is not so serious. So we have to decide. The punishment according to the seriousness of the disobedience. You don't have to use the rod every time. In fact the rod or the belt should be the last resort.

When everything else has failed. There are many other ways of punishing. Like you can't go and play today. Or go and lie down on your bed for half an hour. While your other brothers and sisters are playing outside.

You got to lie down on your bed. That can be a punishment. Because the disobedience was not so serious. But if the disobedience was really serious. That means many times they have kept on disobeying in the same area.

Then we can use the rod or the belt. The next question is what is the age beyond which we should not use the rod. I feel that once a child crosses the age of 12. We should not use the rod on the child.

Because it's growing up to be a young man. And we should not treat them like a little baby. So that is my rule. There is no rule in scripture on that. Another question is, is it okay to discipline our children in the front of other people.

Wrong. If my children disobey in the presence of some visitors in the house. And I punish them in front of them. It becomes a double punishment. First the punishment they get from me. And the second it is a humiliation for them before the visitors.

That is sometimes a bigger punishment for them. So I must not give them double punishment. So I have to say okay go to your room or something. And then after the visitors have gone away. Then we call him and we say now you have to settle some accounts here.

And we have to discipline you for what you did earlier. So that's important. Then another question is how do we maintain godliness in the way we allow our children to dress in these modern times. I think this is more a problem with girls than with boys.

Because in 1 Timothy 2 it does not tell us how men should dress but it tells us how women should dress. And even in 1 Peter 3 it speaks about women's dress not men's dress. And we know that what is a sinful way of dressing for men.

I have never heard of anything. It is women who can dress in such a way that they can provoke other men to dress in a sinful way. It is women to be tempted sexually. And the two things that are most common nowadays with women's dress is to one to make the dress very tight so that the whole shape of the body of the woman is there.

And that is only to tempt men. It is not for comfort. It is more comfortable to have a loose dress always. So it is not for comfort. It is only to tempt men. Now women may say well that is the style. But the style is determined by the devil.

All the tailors and all the fashion designers they are all controlled by the devil. So naturally the devil will give them designs to provoke men to sin. And all these things that are shown in movies and advertisements it is all from the devil.

And our children are seeing all that. And we have to tell them that is the god of this world that is tempting people with these dresses. So we have to teach them. Because our children little girls grow up they don't know.

Do you think a little girl knows that the way she dresses can tempt some young man? Because she doesn't know how a man thinks. So you can't blame that girl. She just sees other girls dressing like that and says mummy I want to dress like that.

Then you have to explain to them. That way you will be attracting boys towards you and they will sin and god will punish you when they sin. Because god will punish you if you tempt other people by the way you dress.

So we have to explain all this. It's primarily immodesty in dress that we have to be careful about. And should we start when they are young? See if you teach a 5 year old to be very careless about her dress with very very short skirts when she grows up she may not want to wear any longer skirt.

In the western countries nowadays it is so bad that women go around dressed in shorts which are like underwears. And the mothers make the little girls dress with that type of shorts. When they are 20 years old they will be wearing the same thing.

So we have to be very careful. So one girl asked me about dress and this is what I told her in Spangalore. I said supposing Jesus were living in the next street and one day Jesus calls you on the telephone and says come I want to take you out for a walk in the market place.

And you are going to walk with Jesus in the market place. How will you dress when you go to meet Jesus that day? I told this young sister you dress like that everyday. I am not going to tell you the length of your skirt or the height of your blouse or how much you should expose below your neck.

I am not going to tell you all that. You just imagine that you are going to go for a walk with Jesus and that Jesus looks at your dress and he is proud to say this is my sister. That's all I said. And I know they will know when you dress in a certain way and they look in the mirror and say Jesus won't be happy with this.

And then I said is it like that not only when you come to church? No. Don't you want Jesus to be with you when you go to college or when you go to work? Sure you need Jesus there also. In fact you need Jesus more in your work place than in the church.

Not only when you go to church. Another question can we allow our children to watch cartoon programs and play mobile games as an entertainment? See there are some games that they play on computers and their mobile phones which are very bad.

You know people who look like demons I would not allow children to play with such games. But there are other games which are not so bad. There are cartoon programs that are clean and cartoon programs that are not clean.

So you must see it yourself as a parent and then decide whether your children should see it. And also you must limit the amount of time that they can do these things. I was very strict when my children were small about what type of computer games they could play.

There were no mobile phones those days. But even computer games I would say only half an hour. That's all. Then you got to do your homework and other things. We must limit the time. We must also encourage our children if they have free time to play some musical instrument or something which is better than just playing these computer games.

That will be more useful for them later on. Another question is can we allow our children to wear ornaments or not? You know always the question we must teach our children is why are you doing it? I remember once when I was telling one sister about wearing ornaments I said my wife and I don't wear ornaments at all.

But she said Brother Zach is the only man who looks on the outward appearance. God looks at the heart. I said that's right. God is looking at your heart to see why you are wearing these ornaments. Is it to glorify God or to show people?

That is what God is seeing. He is not looking at the ornaments. He doesn't care about the ornaments. He looks at the heart. Why are you doing it? So we must teach our children that and I say the best thing is not to let them wear it when they are small.

Once they are 18 years old and they become adults then I leave it to them. So I will tell them see you are young and you don't understand everything now. And you need to understand whether it is good or not in God's eyes.

So my advice is don't let them wear it till they are grown up and if they choose it themselves then they have to answer to God. Okay another question is the importance of reading God's word, memorizing family prayer, cultivating godliness in the home.

I already spoke a little bit about it. But let me emphasize that the important thing we must teach our children is obedience to God's word and not just reading God's word. Supposing they read the Bible 10 minutes in the morning and they disobey the parents throughout the day and are rebellious I say what's the use of reading 10 minutes in the morning.

Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from God's. That doesn't mean reading God's word it means obeying God's word. The best is to read God's word and obey it. But if you forgot to read God's word in the morning because you were busy don't worry about that.

Obey God's word throughout the day. Then you won't live by God's word throughout the day. When it says man shall live by every word of God it is not talking about reading the Bible. It is talking about living according to the Bible.

Man shall live according to the word of God. So many people ease their conscience by saying oh I read the Bible 10 -15 minutes in the morning. What's the use of that if you are shouting at your wife and telling lies in the office?

Don't read the Bible. Just control your temper and speak the truth. So that's why we emphasize obedience more than just the ritual of family prayer. If you are emphasizing obedience, obedience, obedience to God's word then prayer at home is good.

But if it is just to ease your conscience everyday we pray as a family in our home we emphasize obedience. It did not disturb us. If one day we were so busy we did not have time to pray together. Many days we did not get time.

It's not serious. But everyday obedience that is the way I brought up my children. Obedience to God's word is the most important thing. Okay another question is when children choose their life partner on their own before it is time what should we parents do about it?

Guiding Children Toward Marriage

You see by the time children are going to college when they are nineteen years old or so it's very easy for them to make friendships with others of the opposite sex and they can fall in love with somebody so that's a natural thing and so we have to protect our children from their falling in love with the wrong person.

So when they have come to that age eighteen years or so we must teach them that we have to be very careful about our emotions. You have to tell your young son listen you are not going to get married until you are twenty five or twenty six years old.

You have to earn your living, you have to be able to look after a family then only you can get married and you have to complete your education and if a girl is going to college you have to tell her you have to take your education seriously before you get married.

What will happen if your husband dies? You have to have some means of earning your living and taking care of your children so don't get falling in love with anybody now concentrate on your studies and don't always speak to one boy or one girl speak equally to everybody equally then people will know that you are not interested in one person and when you have grown to the age where you can consider marriage you got a job and you can set up a home.

The godly way to go about marriage is this first discuss with your parents if your parents are not godly discuss with the elders in your church and if you are interested in a particular girl or a particular boy for marriage don't approach that person directly go to your elder brother in the church or through your parents.

If the parents are godly then that's fine otherwise go to the elder and let them approach that girl girl's father not the girl directly that is an ungodly way that you have in the world. If you read 1 Corinthians 7 it speaks about a man giving his daughter in marriage.

It's the father who gives the daughter away in marriage and you see how god honored Isaac for allowing Abraham to find a wife for him. So if you are interested in a particular girl first of all you find out whether she is born again and that the elder brother of that church will know.

And even then you must approach through your elder brother or your father and ask him to write to that girl's father or elder brother. You should not try to contact that person on your own and create emotional problems for that person.

I know they do it like that in the world but I'm telling you the godly way to do it. You must control your passions because you can ruin people's lives if you do it in any other way. If you can't trust your father go to your elder brother and do it in a godly way because there's a lot of confusion that can happen nowadays with the way it's being done in the world.

There's nothing wrong in a desire coming in your heart to be interested in a girl or a boy because they are spiritual that is normal normal but go about it in a godly way. There's a book of mine called sex, love and marriage.

You can read it. There are a lot more instructions there. Okay then next question is can we allow our children to participate in cultural events in schools and colleges. We have to find out what type of event it is and whether it is proper for our children to take part in it.

And nowadays in schools they are having yoga classes. See yoga is basically something that has come from hinduism. Now the physical exercises are okay but there's another element to it. So if you want to stretch your legs and hands to keep yourself fit that is okay.

But there is a certain something in yoga called surya namaskara. That's one of the things in yoga. Now you take a particular stance and that is supposed to be worshipping the sun so we don't do that. We say I don't mind stretching my hand like that or my legs but I'm not going to worship the sun.

To keep our body flexible is okay. So we have to tell our children sometimes when they are small they don't have the ability to take a stand. But we have to explain to our children that we don't worship the sun.

We are only exercising the body fine. But if your teacher tells you to meditate and mention some om or some hindu name like that don't do it. Say sorry I'm a christian I'm not supposed to do it. Will that cause some difficulty to our children.

Yes. But throughout all these 2000 years many christians have suffered for standing up for Jesus Christ. I suffered many things when I was in the navy because I said I will not do it. I'm a christian.

Preventing Sibling Rivalry and Teaching Truthfulness

So we want our children to stand up but not unnecessarily foolish. Another question is what about sibling rivalry. That means among children competing with one another. You see that how Cain and Abel had a rivalry as to who is going to be accepted by God.

Cain and Abel. It's the first story in the bible. He got so angry he killed his brother. So the sibling rivalry is there from the beginning. As parents we have to prevent it. But one advice I'll give you never never never compare one of your children with another child.

Don't ever don't ever tell your child why can't you be like your brother. Or why can't you be like that sister. Because then you will make them hate one another. And remember children are different. Not all our children have the same level of intelligence and not all children have the same level of diligence.

So you can't make one child like another. One child may be more interested in games. Another child may be more interested in studies. So we must make our children study but not by comparing themselves with the other child.

You must never say see how he studies. Why can't you study like him. Don't ever say that. You will destroy your children that way. So sometimes parents compare like that and increase the rivalry. How can we prevent.

How can parents prevent them from telling lies to each other. See that is in human nature to tell lies. Even grown up people tell lies but we have to tell them. That is a very serious thing before God to tell a lie.

So we must teach them like I used to tell my children whatever wrong thing you did however serious it may be. You tell me the truth. I will not punish you. But if you tell me a lie you are really going to get it very hard from me.

I used to teach that to my children when they are two years old. Don't tell me a lie. I don't care what wrong you did. I will forgive everything you broke. Something expensive doesn't matter. I don't care for earthly things.

Don't tell me a lie. So your children must see that you don't value material things so much but you value speaking the truth. And then very often they have to grow out of it in terms of telling lies to each other.

But we must ensure that they don't tell lies to us as parents. How do we handle the disobedience of teenage children. How can we keep our children spotless in the midst of unconverted relatives. That's very difficult because we don't want to criticize the uncle and auntie.

We have to be very wise in what we tell our children. Don't say they are evil and we are good. Don't ever teach like that. We have got certain standards. Every home has got their own standards. They always watch movies but we don't allow that in our house.

We don't criticize them. We don't judge them. But that is not the standard for our house. That's why we don't allow you to join with them when they are watching some dirty movie but don't go and tell them that we are better than you.

That's why we don't watch that. We have to protect our children from becoming proud and arrogant in their Christianity and protect our children from speaking words which hurt others. We must pray. That's how we can protect them from unconverted relatives.

I would never send my children to go and spend a few days in an unconverted relatives home. I won't do that because I don't know what all bad habits they will pick up. So how shall we handle the disobedience of teenage children.

I answered this a little bit in the beginning. As I said we must be friendly with them and pray with them and encourage them and slowly win their heart. Show them that we love them and don't be unnecessarily strict about things which are not so important.

Be strict about sinful things but other things don't be so strict. How can we help our children realise the value of the church. First of all by our realising as parents the value ourselves by not criticising other people in the church.

See every church has got good people and people who are not so serious. There may be some who are dressed in an immodest way. It's better to say we disagree with them than to say they are evil. No. We must be wise to say our standards are a little different so we don't do it like that and tell them no church is perfect.

We go to a particular church because it is obeying God's word more than other churches. But it's not full of perfect people. But we are glad to be able to go there. We must all belong to some church. So that's how we teach them to value the church.

Parents as Models of Christian Conduct

What does it mean for parents to be role models to our children. Primarily by husband and wife not fighting with each other in front of your children. Now that may be very difficult. If you have a disagreement with your husband or wife wait till you are in some place where your children are not there in the bedroom or go for a walk and talk about your disagreement away from your children.

See in every marriage there will be disagreements between husband and wife. There are many difficult things we have to discuss together where we disagree. Do that privately. That's what I say. And never disagree and yell at each other in the presence of your children.

So at least they see that you are not publicly fighting and yelling with each other. And then show them by your life that you don't cheat, you are upright. You don't try to get money in a wrong way and show them how you are trying to follow Jesus in different areas.

Ok. Another question is is it ok for both parents to take up jobs. What should we do when both of us cannot spend enough time with our children. Now there is no verse in the bible which says a woman cannot work because if the husband is dead or an invalid the woman has to work.