教子有方（上）- Training Children — Paul Washer

Let's open up our Bibles to Ephesians chapter 6. We will read verses 1 through 4. Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

Fathers and Children in the New Testament Church

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Here we have a passage about the relationship between fathers and their children. This is very important for the New Testament church.

One of the reasons I say that is practical. We know that it is impossible to have a healthy biblical church if you don't have a healthy biblical family. But there is also a theological reason. One of the things that is promised in the Old Testament is that when the Messiah comes, he will turn the heart of the children back to the fathers.

And the heart of the fathers back to the children. That he would restore the institutions that God had established. Don't think this is a small thing. Remember what I've said throughout these meetings.

Authentic Christianity in the Closest Relationships

It is so easy to appear spiritual when you're standing in a pulpit. It's easy to appear spiritual when you're walking among the brothers and sisters in Christ. But the true monitor of your conformity to Christ is the way that you act in the realm of your closest relationships.

With your wife. With your husband. With your children. And it's not the public display of our piety that proves anything. It's what we do when we're alone. And no one is looking. We live, at least in the West, we live in a Christianity that looks more like a circus than Christianity.

There's just so much noise. So much bigness. But how much of it is even real? By trying to be relevant to the world. We mimic the world. And the world laughs. We are not going to have an impact on the world by learning its ways.

We're going to have an impact on the world by being totally different than the world. We do not have to look at the world and then try to be different from the world. We just have to follow Jesus Christ.

And we'll be different than the world. And one of the ways that we do that is within our closest relationships. And the way that we truly manifest Christ is walking in love. Walking in humility. Walking in service that no one sees but God.

And those living closest to us. Now let's look at this passage. Children, obey your parents. If you look at the law in the Old Testament you see that God took the relationship between fathers and children very seriously.

In fact, an extremely rebellious son was to be punished. Corporally. Was to be killed. Now we do not practice that today. We are not commanded to practice that today. But it does show us something. God has established an order.

He has established the way that families and societies and churches ought to function. And it is a very serious matter. You know what's amazing about most television programs that come out today? Especially when it's a television program about youth.

You notice, first of all, there's no parents in the television program. These children go to school. They drive their cars. They talk on their cell phone. Now how they pay for all of this, I don't know.

Because they're in high school. And you never see the parents. But that's the way it is, isn't it? The parents are rarely involved in their children's lives today. Then when the parents do appear in the television program they are usually fools.

Who are not in touch with reality. That have to be taught by their children the right way. My dear friend, this doesn't happen by accident. These are purposeful attacks against God's will. Whether the movie industry knows it or not, they are being used to undercut everything God has established and to destroy society as we know it.

Returning the Church to Scripture

Now we can expect these kinds of things in the world. But we should not see them in the church. We should not. If I could describe this Christian culture, it would be with two different texts of Scripture.

I could use two texts of Scripture to describe it. Because of ignorance, my people are destroyed. Everyone does what is right in their own eyes. More preaching than ever. More Christian activities than ever.

And less power than ever. We must return to Scripture. Now young person, look at what the Scripture is saying. Children, obey your parents. Now notice here, it doesn't say adults, obey your parents. One day my children will separate from me.

They will marry. I am not some patriarch that they are going to have to come back to to ask decisions or to get approval from me. They are adults in their own right. They may ask my advice. They must respect me.

But that's as far as it goes. But while they are children, they are to obey me. Now, are you a child? I'm asking you young person, are you a child? Now you would not consider yourself to be a child. Well let me ask you this question.

Whose house do you live in? Who buys your clothes? Who gives you money to go out to the restaurant? Who pays your car insurance? Who pays your cell phone? Who are you utterly dependent upon to live? If you say mom and dad, you are a child.

I don't care if you are 25 years old. Now let me explain to you something. It's the lie of adolescence. Throughout all of human history, up until the recent, males are divided into two categories. Men and boys.

The Lie of Adolescence and the Responsibilities of Manhood

Now which one are you? Are you a man? Or are you a boy? You say, well I'm not either. Then what are you? Well I'm an adolescent. Now here's what I want you to say. Let me just say this just right. Do you have a word for adolescent?

Adolescence is supposedly an age where the male is not a boy but he's not yet a man. He's somewhere in between. This is not really found in scripture. You are either a boy or you are a man. Now adolescence is very dangerous.

And I'll tell you why. A young man says he's an adolescent. And what that means is this. I need to be able to participate in all the privileges of manhood. Even though I am not willing or able to fulfill the responsibilities of manhood.

Do you see that? This is wrong. You have a 15 year old boy. He's an adolescent. He wants to go out on a date. Why? Why? When a 15 year old boy comes up to me and says that he wants to go out on a date.

This is what I say to him. I'm so proud of you. That you're only 15 years old and yet you're ready for marriage. And he goes, no. That's not what I mean. Well then what do you mean? Well I want to go out with her.

Why? I'll tell you why. You want to participate in the privileges of manhood. Yet you are not willing or able to assume the responsibilities of manhood. You want entertainment. My daughter and no one else's daughter is created for your entertainment.

You want to be with a woman. You want to converse with a woman. You want to enter into an emotional relationship with a woman. You may even want a physical relationship with a woman. But you are not able to assume the responsibilities for a woman.

You are not willing to assume the responsibilities for a woman. You cannot date. Because little boys don't do that. Now you understand why I preach to a lot of youth groups only one time. Do you see how silly that is?

How wrong that is. It's pitiful. And so we have a bunch of little boys that can participate in the things of manhood and they never have to grow up and they never do. And this is why the church doesn't produce men.

As long as you are in your father's house you are called upon to obey him. This is not your father's command. This is God's command. And not only your father but your mother. My two sons know one truth very clear.

The most trouble they will ever experience in their life from their father is the day they even think about dishonoring their mother. Because not only are they to obey me they are to obey her. And to disobey her is to disobey me.

And to offend their mother is far worse than offending their father. Because their mother is the most important person in the world to their father. You can do a lot of things but you do not dishonor mother.

Obedience and Honor as God's Command

Not only obedience but honor. And why is this to be done? Children obey your parents in the Lord. Now why do you do that? Paul tells us because it's right. Period. Lord doesn't give you an explanation.

He doesn't need to. He's not required to. He gives you a command. He does not have to explain himself. For the most part he does. But he doesn't have to. You obey. Because it's what the Lord wants of you.

Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother. You know it's really, really funny. I was out in California several months ago and I was with a bunch of students and I was out there where Dr. MacArthur preaches out there at the school and I'd have these 19 year old students come up to me and they'd say Hey Paul.

Have you seen John yet? I knew they were talking to me because I know my name but I said excuse me? Have you talked to John yet? Who's John? Would you know John? John MacArthur. I said young man I am 50 years old.

I do not call him John. I call him Dr. MacArthur or Pastor MacArthur. At best Brother MacArthur. We are a nation that has lost respect for everything. It just shows what kind of people we have become.

The more you move away from scripture and fall back into the darkness of paganism the more you begin to see everything disintegrate. As the scriptures say even the very foundations of culture. You are called upon not only to obey your mother and your father.

You are called upon to honor them. It should be a pleasure to you. It is something you should do because it's what the Lord requires of you. You say well what if my father and mother are not believers.

You should still honor them. It doesn't say just honor them when they are believers but honor them even more. And young person you need to listen to me. This is not just something I'm suggesting to you.

This is the commandment of God. I can press this upon your heart with full authority. And I can tell you if you disobey this you are disobeying God. I don't have to apologize you for telling you these things.

This is the word of God. And I also want you to know this young person. How you carry this out will impact the rest of your entire life. He says honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise.

In the commandments the Decalogue the Ten Commandments. This is the first one that appears with a promise. And what is that promise. So that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

This is simply referring to having God's blessing upon your life. God's favor upon your life. Now always when I teach this like I said last night I always have some young person walk up to me and say what if my dad wants me to build a nuclear weapon and blow up the world.

What if God wants me to build a nuclear weapon and blow up the world. What should I do. Should I obey him. I always ask them this question. When was the last time your dad asked you to do something like that.

Well never it's just a question. No it's not. You're looking for a way to escape from the authority of this command. In this fallen world and because of the judgment of God on North America there are wicked fathers and mothers who will seek to do wicked things to their own children.

Children are not obligated to follow such wickedness physical abuse criminal practices. Children are not obligated to stay under that and they should go to the most trustworthy authorities they can find and report it.

But that's not most of your problem. You simply do not want to submit to your dad. When he tells you to take out the trash. When he tells you to clean your room. When in wisdom he tells you not to hang out with certain people.

When as a father he begs you not to dress like that. That's where your problem is. All I have to do is watch you under the authority of your parents to determine how spiritual you are before God. And I will tell you this.

Even if you live under parents I'm not talking about parents who do the horrendous things I've already talked about. But if you live under parents that may be a little overbearing. If you will bear with them.

Seek to honor them. Because of Christ God will see from heaven. And he will honor you. For honoring him. And for entrusting the course of your life to him. Honor your father. And your mother. The first commandment with a promise.

Fathers as the Responsible Head of the Home

Now let's turn this over. And let's look at the fathers. In verse 4 it says. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Now even though this applies to both father and mother The fathers are specifically mentioned here.

Why is that? Remember what we studied in Ephesians. You're the head of the home. Remember what also we learned about that. Being head of the home does not mean that you do everything for you and everyone waits upon your desires.

Being head of the home makes you the center of the home. The one responsible for the home. The foundation of the home. You are not neglectful. You have not turned your children over to your wife. You have not turned your children over to an ungodly school system to raise them.

The father must see himself as the center of the family. The father must see himself as the greatest influence in the family. And for this reason the father is most responsible to be Christ-like Christ-like.

Imitating God Through Sacrificial Love

Now let's look for just a moment in Ephesians chapter 5 Verse 1. Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children and walk in love just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us in offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

As fathers and husbands our first responsibilities are to be imitators of God. And what is the greatest evidence that we are imitating God? That we walk in love. That love is the rule of our lives. That we are laying down our own lives as a sacrifice.

Laying down our lives as a sacrifice to God. And for the benefit of our wives and our children I want you to look in 1 Corinthians 4 .16. Hold your place in Ephesians. Well let's begin in verse 14 Paul says.

I do not write these things to shame you but to admonish you as my beloved children. We do not use shame in order to make our children grow in Christ. Then Paul says. For if you were to have countless tutors in Christ yet you would not have many fathers.

For in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. A child may have many tutors but he has only one father and that father is supposed to be the greatest influence in his life. And if any come in to tutor the child they are to tutor that child under the apostles authority and in the case of the father under the father's authority.

The Secular Formation of Children

Now let me share something with you. That's not what is happening. The father is no longer in North America the greatest influence in the life of his child. He is probably not even second or third or fourth.

He is almost non-existent. Now remember what I said. A child is born goes to preschool just turned over to preschool. You have no idea what they are teaching them and then goes to kindergarten and then grade school and what happens there.

They begin their instruction in secular humanism. They are taught the very opposite of what you say you believe. So not only are you not the major influence in your child's life. You have turned your child over to tutors who totally disagree with your entire belief system and your child will spend twelve years in school being told that everything that their father believes is wrong.

His ideas about God are wrong. His ideas about morality are wrong. His world view is wrong. Not only is it wrong it's dangerous. And then what do you do. You take your child out to Sunday school once a week where they color pictures of Noah's Ark.

Wise Companionship and Generational Discipleship

Look at a passage that holds your place but just look at a passage for a moment in the book of Proverbs Chapter 13 Verse 20. He who walks with wise men will be wise but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Now I am not against doing things with children in the church. I am not against doing things with youth in the church. But I want you to listen to me. We have children's church, right? Then there's youth church.

Teenage church. I want you to look at some things. Why do we do that? Why? When I ask that question, here's the answer I get. Well, children need to be with children. Young people need to be with young people.

Who told you that? Where did you learn that? Can you show me in the scriptures where you got that? I'll tell you where you got it. You got it from the world. Started around the 60s. Generation gap. Old people can't understand young people.

Young people are smarter than old people. And then began the cult of youth. To say that young people need to be with young people is a direct contradiction of scripture. Look what the scripture says. He who walks with wise men will be wise.

Who should little boys be with? They should be with wise men. Why? Because foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. You put a bunch of foolish children together. What do you have? You have a companionship of fools.

Each of them learning off of the other. Can't you see this? I mean it's everywhere. 30 year old men playing video games. Acting like fools. Because they're not men. Because they've never had a man in their life.

That is what is happening. Where are the men? A companion of fools. And they go on to destruction. An illustration I used last night but I'll use again because there's some people here who weren't here last night.

Raising Sons and Daughters Through Godly Examples

In the movie Master and Commander. Representing the war between the French pirates and the English Navy. When the English pull up beside the French pirates. The boats are brought together. And the English are going to charge.

You can imagine how dangerous this is. Jumping from one ship to another. To attack the army and the other ship. The movie is fairly accurate historically. It's interesting. A teenage boy leads the charge.

In command of the men. Because he was a man. Gentlemen listen to me. One of our great responsibilities as fathers Is to raise up our sons to be men. In order to do that They must have a man as an example.

And they must be around other men. Who are serious about doing the things men do. Like serving the Lord Rescuing the weak. Helping the poor. Taking the gospel to the world. Living for a purpose greater than themselves.

It is no one else's responsibility to raise your son or your daughter. It is yours. And God has not given you the right to turn that over to someone else. Especially someone who believes completely the opposite of what you do.

You turn your child over to Sunday school. You turn your son over to Sunday school. And most of those classes are taught by women. You take him to school. And most of those classes are taught by women.

Now some of you don't like what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is true. Where is the godly influence in their life? A masculine influence. Unless you just squash the spirit of a boy. He doesn't want to sit in front of a television.

He wants to build forts. Three houses. He wants to run through the woods. He wants to fight something. But the world tells you to domesticate him. To tame him. To make him look no different than his sister and his sister no different from him.

So in the end all you have is a society. A society of young boys. With fancy haircuts. Funny looking jeans. Funny looking pants. Bracelets on their arms and around their neck. Spending most of their time in a mall.

This is not right. See we can talk all kinds of things about theology and doctrine. But the fact is the world has just come into the church. And it's so influenced that many of you are hearing the things I'm saying and it almost scares you.

Boys need a dad. It's going to raise them to be a man. But guess what? Girls need a dad. Maybe even more than the sons. They need the kindness of a dad. The affection of a dad. The tenderness of a dad.

A dad treating his little girl like she's made of glass. Except when she's had enough and is wrestling with her brothers. A dad who so respects her and her mother that she learns how a man ought to treat her.

No one touches her. No one treats her like a boy. She's not one of the gang. She's not running with a pack of boys. No she's completely set apart. She is precious. And she knows it. And she's not going to allow some young man who doesn't have any sense in his head get near her.

Because she has seen the example of her father. And she's not going to settle for anything less than that. You say, Brother Paul if I get this involved in my family I won't have time to sleep. You'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.

Giving Children the Gospel and a Joyful Home

This is why fathers go to bed tired. Because we're pouring our lives into our wives like I said last night. And into our children. Because of the shortness of time, I want to explain two different things that is so important to give your children.

The first is the gospel. The gospel. Listen, Christianity is not about. It's not about giving your children a whole bunch of even Biblical principles. That's part of it. But it's only a small part of it.

Christianity is about giving your children the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's being able to say that although all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Although all are under the sentence of death.

God gave His Son. His Son bore our guilt. His Son suffered the wrath that was due us. His Son died in our place. Rose again from the dead. Seated at the right hand of God. And can give us life abundantly.

And life eternal. And it's not just about principles. It's not just about rules. It's about life. Real life. The kind you can feed on. The kind that flows like a current. The kind that manifests itself in love.

Do you know what the goal of my home is? This is my purposed goal in my house. That when you walk in there is love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. With two boys and a little girl and a wild man for a father self-control is a little difficult.

If you came into my home I don't want you to see just everybody sitting pretty. I want you to see the wildness of life. When I put the key in the door that my three little kids are on the other side of the door already opening it.

They jump on me. And we wrestle all the way to the living room. And then when I throw all of them on the couch I grab their mother in the kitchen. And dance across the living room. Dance. That's very hard for a Baptist.

And all the kids jumping on top of us. It isn't until mom's had enough. What I'm trying to share with you is. People hear me on the internet. And they think he's got to be the meanest, most frightening man in the world.

And I always ask this question. How come no one ever puts my sermons about love on the internet? I guess no one wants to listen to them. Christ came to give us life. To restore relationships. And even when we all mess up To bring forgiveness.

That sets us free from guilt Cleanses our conscience. And allows us to start again. I know a man who has raised a lot of godly children. And he studied a lot of homes that have produced godly children.

And he says they're all sort of different. But the one thing that he says they all seem to have in common Is joy in the holy spirit. This world is so full of darkness and grief. There ought to be one place where those children can see the light of joy.

And it ought to be in the face of their father And their mother. Now listen to me, men. I heard some things last night about many of the men, the Chinese men, who live in Toronto. And if it's true I'm very proud of you.

That many of you left your own country. Where you were professionals. Very intelligent men And women. But to find a better life for your children you were able to leave it all. And some of you work here.

For people who aren't half as smart as you are. And sometimes it's a very difficult struggle. Other people prosper. You work hard. I applaud you. But I want you to know there's something more wonderful that you can give your children.

More wonderful than even having a better chance at prosperity. You can give your children a Christ-like father. I remember my father and his generation. He grew up very poor. And he became successful By working very hard.

And I remember hearing him say I just want to give my children the things I never had. But I didn't want him to give me the things he never had. I wanted a dad. God never called my dad to give me the things he never had.

He called my dad to give his son a father. I know men who have been offered jobs two times the salary that what they're receiving. And they turned it down. Because they said I would not be able to love my wife and my children as I ought.

I would be out of my house 14 hours a day. I might give my children fancy new basketball shoes. But God's called me to give my son and daughter a dad. And wives. You need to understand that this is true.

We have a saying You can't have your cake and also eat it at the same time. You want your husband to be a good husband? You want him to be a good father? He may not be able to prosper like the other man.

Because he cares more about you and his children than he does the Canadian or the American dollar. And more importantly he cares about the kingdom of heaven. A few years ago I was teaching on the family in Dallas.

On the second day of teaching I realized everything I was teaching was useless. And I just stopped. And I said We just need to cancel this. Because none of you men have the time to do what the Bible commands you to do.

You're working 14 hours a day. Your wives have jobs. And it's not to put food on the table. It's so that you can live in a certain neighborhood And drive certain kinds of expensive cars. You'll never be able to serve God.

Because you're serving manna, money. We all have to make choices. God has called us to be fathers And to raise up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Now we're going to take a break for a few minutes.

Prayer for Faithful Parenting

And then I'll come back and talk to you about raising up your child in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Let's pray Father, I pray that you would use this time to help your people And help us in the next session.

In Jesus' name Amen.