TLP 217: Terrorist Parents

Truth.Love.Parent.

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It doesn't really matter what your fleshly parenting type is. We are all tempted to want to control our kids when they're getting in the way of our plans or when they've scared us so much that we feel we need to do anything we can to just corral them.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. Thank you for joining us today. This season has definitely had a very split focus.

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We started talking a lot about how children think and learn and how they need to be taught to do these things in light of God's reality.

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If you didn't hear our zombie series or catch our discussion about the circle of learning or learn how to teach your children to be grateful, you should totally check that out.

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But then we switched our focus and zoomed in on destructive parenting styles. We talked about parenting like Lot, the chief of sinners in your home and the type of parenting that leads to burnout.

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And today is also a part of that discussion. By the way, the chief of sinners in your home has been downloaded quite a bit since it came out.

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I think it really resonated with many of you. I know it hit a chord with me. So if you haven't heard that yet, you should definitely listen to it.

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It was episode 215 and you should share it with all of your parent friends. And then at the last part of this season, we're going to switch our focus again, just a few shows to talk about Advent and how

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God would have us lead our children this Christmas season. I suppose, I guess we could broadly call this season thinking right, either way,

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I really enjoyed it and I look forward to ending out the year with you and then starting season nine in January. Now I hate mentioning names on episodes like this, right?

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On an episode named terrorist parents, I just so happened to want to mention Matt and Sonia. It's just a coincidence people.

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It's just a coincidence. Seriously. Matt and Sonia are dear friends who have invested so much in TLP so that we can all continue to benefit from it.

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They are two of our monthly supporters and without our patrons, truth love parent would not be able to do all that it does.

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So thank you, Matt and Sonia. And I look forward to having them on the show one day. It's so amazing to hear how God has used them in the lives of so many families and to hear how

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God has worked in their lives and to hear how amazingly passionate they are about TLP. And hopefully we can do that soon so you guys can know the things about them that I know that make them so incredibly cool.

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But for now, I just want to say a heartfelt thank you and encourage you to learn about how you too can support

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TLP. We are a listener -supported ministry, so every little bit helps. Okay, let's talk about what it means to be a terrorist parent.

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If you've been with us since the beginning, then you've likely are very aware of a series I did called anti -terrorism for your home and it started in episode 37.

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What you might not know is that that was inspired by a comment from my cousin Alicia that she made a long time ago.

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Now as I remember the story, she was in line to check out at a store and her son was throwing a fit.

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The lady in front of her turned around and said something to the effect that my cousin should capitulate to her child's demands and at that point,

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Alicia looked at the woman and said, I don't negotiate with terrorists. And in that moment, I realized that's exactly how all children function.

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Every child is different, true, but some do it more, some do it less. Some of their terror tactics are far worse than others, but every child at one point or another is going to try to use fear to manipulate someone into doing something.

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And you know why they do it? Because they're human. We've all done it. Humanity functions this way for the following reasons.

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Number one, we all want to do what we want to do. There are so many biblical passages that speak to this, so just allow me to share two.

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The phrase, write in his own eyes, shows up at least five times in scripture and always refers to the same thing of which

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Solomon speaks in Proverbs 12, 25, the way of a fool is right in his own eyes.

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And nearly all those passages talk about how it ends in destruction of one sort or another. And 2 Peter 2, 12 says that when we live this way, we're like irrational animals, creatures of instinct born to be caught and destroyed.

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That idea of an irrational, instinctual animals just perfectly typifies the failure philosophy of if it feels good, do it.

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Without thinking, we waft from emotion to emotion without ever consideration to the consequences. This is why

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I did the Is Your Child a Zombie series. This lifestyle is nearly identical to the brain dead zombies tirelessly chomping on their own destruction.

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And because humanity's sole goal in life is to do what they want, number two, we don't want anyone else telling us what to do.

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This is foundationally focused at God, but it can work its way out toward any and all authority. The history of mankind is a testament to this truth, but Psalm 2 and Romans 1 explain it perfectly.

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Psalm 2 says, And Romans 1, 18 through 22 explains why we humans rage against God.

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It says, Because the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.

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For what can be known about God is plain to them because God has shown it to them. For His invisible attributes, namely

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His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived ever since the creation of the world in the things that have been made.

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So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

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Claiming to be wise, they became fools. So what's the natural outcome going to be if someone doesn't want to be told what to do because they want to do their own thing?

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Well, number three, we try to remove ourselves from any and all authorities. This is why children hide and men love darkness rather than light.

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This is why people run away. But sometimes when we've been caught and when we can no longer run, we start acting like a cornered animal.

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And number four, we fight. My mom told me a story a long time ago. She said sometime when

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I was between five and seven years old, she saw me in the backyard on a snowy day chasing a field mouse. There were no bushes or rocks or anything.

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It was all smooth, flat snow, and I was gaining on the mouse. Well, eventually the mouse, realizing its desperate situation, turned around, stood up on its back feet, and started hopping toward me as menacingly as possible.

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My mom said that I turned on my heels and ran toward the house. She, of course, laughed her head off as I was running from the field mouse that I had just been chasing.

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But isn't that what happens with us and our kids? They get backed into the proverbial corner and they turn on us. And oftentimes it just really makes no sense.

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The child's only, what, two? And yet they scream and flail with all the gusto of someone who could actually stand a chance.

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And often we let them win. James 4, 1 through 3, tells us that we fight because we don't get what we want.

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But you know what? This discussion isn't supposed to be about our kids. Yeah, this episode is entitled

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Terrorist Parents, because that's a thing we do. If it's crazy for our two -year -old to think they can fight against us, then it doesn't take too many smarts to surmise that we are actually bigger than our kids, therefore we can be far more intimidating.

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More often than not, we legitimately have the girth, authority, volume, strength, and intimidation factor to pull off the threats.

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This is why it often comes so much more easily to us because, let's be honest, we struggle with the same human foibles and temptations with which our kids struggle.

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And as we noticed two episodes ago, one of the reasons we are the chief of sinners in our home is that we're actually far more practiced at our sin than our kids are.

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And it doesn't matter if you're a dictator parent, a joker parent, a doormat parent, or a judge parent, we are all tempted to want to control our kids when they're getting in the way of our plans or when they've scared us so much that we feel we need to do anything we can just to corral them.

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By the way, if you don't know what a dictator, joker, doormat, or judge parent is, please check out episode 26, The Fifth Way to Parent, as a follow -up to this study.

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I'll have a link for you in the description. So like I said, we're just like our kids. We want what we want.

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We don't want our kids telling us no. And though sometimes we may be tempted just to escape our children via naps, concessions, and kicking them out when they turn 18, more often than not, we fight.

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Now, is there a Christ -honoring anger that may righteously utilize raised voices? Yes, definitely.

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We deal with those subjects in great detail in a number of episodes. I will link all of them for you in the description of today's episode and in the free show notes at truthloveapparent .com.

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If you're using an iOS device, just click on the link and the episode will open in Apple Podcasts. Otherwise, you can easily search the episode as well.

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Anyway, I fear that even though there is a Christ -honoring anger, we rarely experience it.

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So if we're being honest with ourselves, we've also come to the temptation to be terrorist parents who use our size and authority to manipulate our children into forced submission.

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So here's the meat of our discussion today. I realize lately that I've used a couple different metaphors to describe the same condition.

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When speaking of our children, I've compared them to terrorists and zombies, both are legitimate biblical comparisons.

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In fact, I plan to do an episode in the future about zombie terrorists or terrorist zombies, whichever one resonates best with you.

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But I think each of these terms describes an important facet of the problem. You see, terrorist describes their method.

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They use fear to get what they want. But zombie describes their reality. Why are they willing to fight so hard to get what they want?

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The Bible says they lack sense and are metaphorically eating their own flesh. If you'd like to get a better understanding of this concept, please check out the

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Parenting a Zombie series starting in episode 200. But what is the foundation of this zombie reality?

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Well, I believe the word God describes the delusion at the very roots of the problem.

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What do I mean? You see, like we discussed in the Mirrish Christianity series, we do what we do because we want what we want, and we want what we want because we believe what we believe.

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We act like terrorists because we have zombie desires rooted in a God complex.

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And that's how it will work itself out every time. If I deny God's calling for my parenting, if I refuse to be the ambassador parent

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He called and created me to be, then I believe I have a better plan than He does. In that moment, I'm trying to be

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God by determining what is right for my life and by not following His plan. That type of delusional, instinctual living is the earmark of a fool who will suffer through hell and back just to get what he wants, and more often than not, that type of self -destructive tenacity will utilize terrorism to get what it wants.

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My friends, what I'm saying today is a very real temptation your children face, but our focus should not be on them today.

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Today we need to turn our eyes on the chief of sinners in our homes. We need to search our own hearts. So how can you tell if you're being a terrorist parent?

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Well, here are some evidences and advice. Number one, ask your spouse. Of course, we have to be honest.

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Be prepared to realize that you've probably been a terrorist to them as well, and they may well be very hesitant to answer that question honestly.

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Along the same vein, you also could ask your kids, but again, unless your children are older and are no longer afraid of you, they will likely have a hard time answering this question honestly as well.

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Number two, ask yourself these questions. Do you try to control what your children do more than you try to lead them in who they should be?

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Do your children need to obey? Yes, but will forcing them to do the right things cause them to be the right people?

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Never. That's every failed social experiment ever. It's true we need to hold our children to high biblical expectations, but part of that is sharing with them the truth and love that will point their hearts to Christ and help them become more like Him.

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Terrorist parents care too much about outward conformity and often miss the sanctification God is trying to work in their spirits.

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Number three, do you take your children's sins personally? I know it's hard not to hurt when someone sins against you, but if your hurt grows primarily from your own wounds, then you're missing the real point.

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Your children are sinning against God. Sinning against you will not lead to destruction, but sinning against God always will.

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Try to keep the mindset of Joseph. He understood that all sin is against God, whether it was the temptation to commit adultery with his boss's wife or it was the very real sin his brothers had committed against him.

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And despite the fact that his brothers wanted to kill him, Joseph lovingly forgave them and reminded them that God was in control.

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However, the terrorist parent is going to feel personally maligned and afflicted because they've made it all about themselves.

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Number four, do you respond out of fear? Fear is the root of many a sinful behavior, especially sinful anger.

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Fearful parenting is a huge temptation to try to control our kids. So please listen to episode 40 to learn more about this fearless parenting because it's something that we all desperately need.

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A terrorist parent is willing to go to extremes often because they're afraid they have no other recourse.

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Number five, pretty practical question, do you simply use terror tactics? This list includes inappropriate yelling, physical threats, or actual physical violence, but it also includes silent treatment and manipulative tears or other emotional responses.

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Of course, this list of terror tactics also includes constant threats of consequences, nagging, frequent commands with no explanations, and requiring our children to do things that are outside of their ability.

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Now, we could take a whole series to discuss each of these common parenting behaviors, but I can tell you now that if they're present in your parenting, then you're being a terrorist.

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And number six, do you constantly feel beaten down, depressed, anxious, or angry?

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Though the presence of these feelings may not automatically mean you're being a terrorist parent, they certainly will cause a huge temptation to it.

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Now all these questions may help reveal times when you've parented for you in your own power instead of for God in His power.

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Please check out our episode notes linked below to see all the scripture we used today and remind yourself of the questions we need to ask ourselves.

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Please remember, terrorist parents do what they do because they're foolish zombies who are trying to act like God. It's not a pretty picture of the problem, but it's biblically accurate and it's unacceptable for the ambassador parents.

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Listen, if you think this may be you, even if sometimes, and you'd like some help determining if it's an issue or just maybe working through it, our counselors would love to connect with you.

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You can easily reach them at counselor at truthloveparent .com. And please share this episode.

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We all need this type of accountability and admonishment in our lives. And don't miss our next episode about the value of Christmas family traditions.

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I'm going to suggest that we need solid traditions in our home if we're going to glorify God. And since it's the

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Christmas season, and since we all have different things we like to do, I thought this was a great time to discuss it. Listen, my friends,

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I love you dearly. I write hard episodes like this for three reasons. Number one, I believe it will glorify

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God. Number two, I desperately need it myself. Number three, I figure it will be a blessing to someone else.

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And it should be a blessing, even when it's hard to hear, because faithful are the wounds of a friend.

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So, I hope you'll join us next time. See you then. Truth. Love. Parents.

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Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.