Foundational principles of marriage — A.J. Higgins

Returning to Biblical Principles of Marriage

I think we have to, first of all, as with all Scripture, come to it with an open mind. We are not speaking of preconceived concepts of what Western marriage is like. We are not today speaking of what a particular religious group believes marriage is like.

We are returning to the Word of God, to the foundation, to the scriptural principles that should undergird every marriage and should especially characterize those who are married in the Lord. So we would like to look then at this, and just to give you an idea where we're heading, let me just give you five headings that will kind of group our thoughts and guide us in our thinking together.

I want you to think of the acknowledgment of the reason for marriage, the acknowledgment of a reason for marriage. We will look as well at an acceptance of responsibility within marriage. We will consider together an appreciation for the relationship of marriage.

We shall consider an awareness of what is required in marriage. And finally, what I have called the arithmetic of marriage. Someone has said, points if they do no other good, they give you an idea when I'm done.

So at least you'll know when I'm down around number four, we're close to the end and it's almost time for tea. So that'll at least be an incentive to listen and count the points as we go down them. So I want you to think first of all then of an acknowledgment of the reason for marriage.

Marriage as a Picture of Christ and His Church

We touched on this on Saturday night, and so I will not belabor it. Let me just mention again the ultimate purpose of marriage, not companionship, not completeness, not the continuation of the species on earth, but the ultimate purpose of marriage is communication of a truth that is so majestic, so outside of the realm of our natural thinking, that had God not given us a hands-on everyday illustration in marriage, we would never appreciate the wonder of the union of Christ with his church.

So that Ephesians 5 teaches us that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to give us on earth in everyday life a tangible illustration of what that relationship is like. As a result of that then there is a unique privilege linked with it, isn't there?

With this ultimate purpose is linked a unique privilege, and that unique privilege is that as a husband, I have the privilege of displaying to my wife something of the character of the love he has for his church.

Great privilege, awesome responsibility, awesome. To think that I have that privilege, think of the three billion men that walk upon this planet tonight. I alone have the privilege and responsibility of conveying to my wife how Christ loves his church.

Let me just underline as well an unchanging principle. Genesis chapter 2, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. Let me just defuse something that sometimes arises in the minds of believers and the minds of people.

That is Eden, isn't it? Before the fall. That is an idyllic, Edenic condition, and certainly you don't expect that to be the standard today. Where sin is rampant and human nature being what it is, you don't expect really that the standard of Genesis chapter 2 still applies today, do you?

There's only one problem with that reasoning. For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. One question, what father did Adam have to leave?

So that when God said to Adam, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, if there's anyone on earth that didn't apply to, didn't apply to Adam, God was there establishing a principle that he intends to characterize marriage down through the centuries.

Not something just for Eden, not something just for idyllic conditions where human nature was not yet fallen and not yet depraved. But here is a standard that God has for marriage. Let me just say at the very outset, if you want a definition, a biblical definition of marriage, it is the total commitment of the total person for the total life.

That is God's standard for marriage, the total commitment of the total person for the total life. Genesis 2 establishes that for us. That is God's purpose, God's ideal. Let me then just mention an acceptance of responsibility within marriage.

Mutual Submission and the Responsibility of Headship

You will notice that Ephesians 5 and 21 is where we started reading, and I am going to suggest to you that Ephesians 5 and 21 is the mandate, really, that underlies all. Submitting yourselves one to another.

Now, isn't it remarkable that in a section that is about to give us the hierarchical structure that God intends in family life, husband and wife, and parent and child, that it begins with what seems like almost a contradiction of what follows.

Submitting yourselves one to another. Well, we will see that a husband in his headship of his wife is submitting himself to the Lord, first of all, but there is a very real sense, as we shall see, that he is submitting in measure to his wife.

Now, that may sound contradictory, but just bear with me as we come to it in the portion that is before us. Let me talk then about this misunderstood concept of submission. This is so misunderstood that in most, I was going to say, in most marriage vows that are done outside of assembly circles, this is omitted.

Truth is, nowadays, hardly anybody takes a marriage vow. But in many places, individuals drop this idea of submitting because it's so misunderstood. It is not the idea of servile fear or slave labor, not the idea of just being a doormat that someone walks over, that I never express my opinion, that I never in any way seek to have input into a relationship.

It's just the opposite. It's not the idea of submission. What is this concept then that is introduced to us in Ephesians 5 that is so vital to understand? What is true submission? Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands because Christ is the head of the church and the church is subject unto Christ.

So what does that mean? What is the idea of submission? I think that we are richly rewarded by considering the analogy the Lord Jesus gives. He gives the analogy, doesn't he, of a head and a body, of a an organism moving as one and yet being distinct, head and body.

Now, let me just ask you, just on a natural sphere, on a natural level, how often does your mind make a decision without an input from your body? Now, just think of that for a moment. How often does your mind decide to do something and it has not received some useful contribution from the body to help it make a decision?

I mean, you can just apply that, can't you, in everyday things, you know, touching something that's hot, stepping on something that hurts. Your body immediately sends information to the brain, which then begins to correlate it with all of its life experiences and weighing up the advantages and disadvantages, sending messages back to the foot or hand to move, all occurring in an instant of time, but not done independent of each other.

Now, there are times, and those here who have sat for examinations know what I mean. There are times when the body is screaming a message that the brain ignores. You're tired. Go to bed. You can't take it any longer, and the mind says, I've got to stay up.

I've got to cram. I've got to get ready for this exam. Just ignore the body for a few hours. There are times when the head does make a decision independent of the body, but it's rare. It's rare. So, what we are seeing then in this analogy the Lord has given us, a woman not only has the, I'll use the word right, and I use that carefully, not only has the right to give advice and give input, but has the responsibility, and it is a foolish husband who moves in the decisions of life without input from his wife.

Now, we could look at that, couldn't we, back where we read in Proverbs 31. What does it say about the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31? She openeth her mouth with wisdom. God has built into, and I say this without fear of contradiction, Genesis chapter 2.

We could show it. It's not our subject tonight. Without fear of contradiction, God has made the genders differently. He built into Adam leadership, decision-making ability, a work ethic, a goal orientation.

That's all in Genesis chapter 2. It's not exaggeration. You can find it there. You look for it. He built into a woman relationships and the importance of relationships, and if you doubt that, you look at what he put his finger on in Genesis chapter 3 when he came to judgment.

For the man it was his work. In sorrow thou shalt so on. For the woman it was in her relationships. She'll bring forth in sorrow. God touched what was important to each of them. So the woman is much more conscious of relationships and moves on a level that is different from that analytical, goal-oriented mentality of a male.

But God has fitted them differently for a purpose, to balance each other. There are many times, you know, I am super analytical. Not the engineer type of analytical, but, you know, when I'm making a decision, you know, you write them all down, the pluses and minuses, and if you really want to get good, you start weighting the pluses.

This is a two-plus. That's a one-plus. This is a one-minus. This is a two-minus, and you add them up, and you add them up, and you strike the line, and you make your decision, and you say to your wife, here it is, and she says, yeah, but something about it I don't like.

Yeah, it may make sense on paper, and it may make sense to you, but, you know, there's just something I don't feel right about. There's something I am uneasy in that, and, you know, I am so logical. Well, you know, well, let's talk about point by point.

Yes, but I'm just not happy. More than half the time, she's right, and I'm wrong. I've learned that. Yeah, she may not be able to logically argue. Now, my wife is intelligent. Don't misunderstand me. It's not that she just goes on pure emotion.

She's very intelligent, but there's an intuitiveness. There's an insight that I lack, that I have learned. You need her. God has given her to you for a purpose, to balance you, and to be a help. So this idea of submission and subjection is not that I say nothing, and I sit back, and I grit my teeth, and I just put up with it, but it is the concept that when the head has made the decision, then we move together.

It's not I told you so, and you should have listened to me, and why don't you ever? No. When the head has made the decision, then moving together with that decision before God. Let me just balance that, because some will say, to what extent does a wife submit to her husband?

You notice what it says in Ephesians chapter 5. Submit yourselves to your own husband as to the Lord. In other words, can I submit to the Lord in submitting to him? It is helpful, and the Word of God is wonderful, because it always balances us.

It is helpful to see the Word of God gives us an example of a woman who submitted when she never should have, and a woman who did not submit, and she saved lives, saved her family. A woman who submitted, and she shouldn't have?

Biblical Limits on Submission: Sapphira and Abigail

Acts chapter 5. There's a man, and he sells his ground for so much money, puts most of it in his pocket, gives a small portion to the Lord, and he stands before Peter. Here it is, and Peter says to him, Why have you lied to the Holy Spirit?

And you recall what happens. Struck down dead, and the young men carry him out, and not shortly thereafter, not very long thereafter, his wife, Sapphira, comes in. Tell me, did you sell the land for so much?

Yes. Why have ye agreed together? You see, at that point in time, until she had agreed with the Rus', she stood alone, responsible. But once she had gone along with him, she also was judged. She should never have submitted to what was illegal, to what was untruthful, to what was contrary to God.

A woman who did not submit? There was a man in the Old Testament named Nabal, whose name means fool, and when David sent his men to ask for provision, as David was hunted as a partridge upon the hills, Nabal says, Who is David that I should give him?

There be many servants these days which have broken away from their masters. Away with you. And when Abigail hears what is happening, and that David is coming to put to death all of her family, then she realizes this man cannot be spoken to.

He is such—the expression there— he is such a son of Belial that no man can speak to him, yea or nay. And so she takes things into her own hands to save the lives of her children. Now, those are, you might say, boundaries, perimeters, that would control the measure of obedience, the submission of a wife to her husband.

Can I do it to the Lord? And if I cannot do it as unto him, then I've got to ask myself, can I do it at all? Now, that's just in passing, to balance. Let me come then to the meaning of headship and ask you, what is true headship?

Headship as Responsibility, Not Domination

Is it, I'm the boss, you've got to do what I say? Is that how Christ treats us? Is that how Christ treats you? What is true headship? Let me differentiate two things, if I can. Lordship and headship. Lordship is responsibility to someone.

He is thy Lord. Worship thou him. Pharaoh said, who is the Lord that I should obey him? I am not responsible to him. He is not my Lord. Lordship is responsibility to someone. Headship is responsibility for someone.

Now, if you can grasp that, that is a tremendous truth to appreciate. So that in my headship over my wife, I become responsible for her. I do not browbeat her into submission. Never use the Word of God as a club.

It's not my responsibility to make my wife submissive. The husband that needs to tell his wife, you be submissive and obey me, because that's what the scripture says, I want to say kindly, has moved outside the realm of Ephesians 5.

His responsibility is to love his wife and to be head. So then let us look for a moment at this concept of headship. It's obligation. It's responsibility. Well, what is it responsibility for? What does it say Christ is responsible for?

He nourishes. He cherishes. It says he enriches. He elevates. Is that what headship is all about? That's what Ephesians 5 says, doesn't it? No man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes it. That's relatively easy compared to what follows.

Most of us are fairly good and responsible when it comes to providing food and all the necessities of daily life. In fact, most of us are working too hard to do it. The everyday material things of life.

That's part of my responsibility. Can't shirk it. To make sure that there is adequate for my wife's needs. That's part of this responsibility to nourish. But it goes far beyond that. It says cherish. So I'm not only responsible for her physical well-being, I'm responsible for her emotional well-being.

Now that doesn't mean if I have a wife who is prone to depression that somehow it's all my fault, or a wife who tends to be anxious, it's all my fault. But it does mean I should provide an environment in which I am making it possible for her to be as secure as humanly possible.

Doesn't have to worry that he's going to come home and get angry and throw things at me. Going to come home and be in a bit bad mood and not talk to me for two hours. And if I don't have the right jam on the table, he's going to throw things.

No. Cherishing her. Do you do that for your wife? Well, you say we've been married for 35 years. We're beyond that. Really? There is never a moment in eternity when Christ is going to cease to cherish his bride.

Never. Cherishing. Responsible for her emotional well-being. Would you be surprised if I said you bear a responsibility for her spiritual well-being? Do you know where your wife is spiritually tonight?

Or you might say she comes to the meetings and she, you know, everything is fine. No, no, no. Do you know where your wife is spiritually tonight? If you have a wife with young children, it can be exceedingly difficult to find time to read, find time to pray, to have your private time with the Lord.

Anybody with more than one child knows that one invariably gets up early and the other one invariably wants to stay up late. So from 6 in the morning till 10 at night, there's a child demanding your attention, your time.

And just when one begins taking that afternoon nap, the other one is done taking it. And there seems like there isn't a time in the day. And so you come home from work at 530 or 6 o 'clock and now you demand all the attention.

Your wife needs time for her spiritual life as well. This may be telling secrets that are better not told, but I think most of you are aware that brethren have an external force. We've got to be prepared for meetings, got to be prepared for the Bible reading, have to be prepared for ministry, have to be prepared for the gospel, have to be prepared to give something on Lord's Day.

You know, you can only go on fumes for so long and pretty soon everybody begins to realize it's just sputtering along. There's really not much fresh there. So you kind of have to refuel once in a while.

So there's this external pressure because we don't want to be exposed. But a woman could just wear her hat, long hair, long dress and meld in and everything looks fine. No one would know what's going on on the inside.

You know where your wife is. It's part of your responsibility to see to the nourishing of her spiritual life. Let me come to this maxim of love that is given here. Husbands, love your wife. I don't want to for a moment denigrate the emotional aspect of love.

Sacrificial, Supportive, and Secure Love

There is a tremendous joy, delight, pleasure that is part of the emotional aspect of love in a marriage. Don't want to minimize that in the least. But this love is not primarily an emotion. It leads to an emotion, but it's not primarily an emotion.

It is a choice of your will. It's a command so that any man that says I can't love my wife is really saying I cannot obey God's Word. That's just that simple. Husbands, love your wives. I want to mention just three or four things about this love and then move quickly.

First of all, it's sacrificial. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved. I mean that's obvious, isn't it? Sacrificial, selfless, a love that would give. That's why I said that there is an aspect in which a husband's headship over his wife is submitting.

What does it mean? It means I submit my selfish agenda to what is for the good of my wife. Love will always seek the best for the object it loves and I will sacrifice my own selfish agenda in life to do what is best for our marriage and for my wife.

So you see I am submitting. I'm submitting my own selfish desires because really what I want is what is best for her. So there is first of all a sacrificial aspect to this love. There is a supportive aspect to this love.

It is we've already mentioned nourishing and cherishing and building up. Do you notice what it says the Lord does with his bride, with his church, with his body? He is washing, he washed it with a with a washing of water by the word that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish before him in love.

What is his love doing? His love is bringing this church to its highest beauty. My responsibility as a husband is to see that I bring my wife to her highest usefulness and beauty as a person before the Lord.

Nothing less than that. That's what the love of Christ is doing, supporting it, suckering it, strengthening it. One other thing, this love makes secure. Let me just put it like this to you. Is there ever a moment, ever a day you wake up in the morning and you begin wondering, I wonder, does the Lord love me today?

I wonder, is the Lord going to love me a thousand years into eternity? You never think that way, do you? The thought never comes to your mind that somehow his love is going to to change. It's just impossible.

You know that. Well, the spirit of God says husbands, that's how you're to love your wife. There should never be a moment. My wife has to wonder. Does he still love me? Does, is it possible that, you know, it's just, no.

Never should be a moment like that. I should so communicate my affection and my interest to my wife that there never should be a doubt in her mind. Never a doubt that I have affection for only one person in all this world.

So that I shouldn't be a flirt. I shouldn't need my ego so stroked that I have to flatter other women and play up to others just to feel good about myself since I'm getting gray and a little bald here and wondering am I still have that charisma if I ever had it to begin with.

But, you know, you begin going through those things and no, my wife should never, never question my affection. When was the last time you told your wife that you loved her? When was the last time you just for no reason in the world stopped and either bought some flowers or pick some on the side of the road if you don't like to spend money and just brought them home and didn't tell her.

We had some men that stopped at funerals and picked up some of the, that's another story. They were not Scotch, Scottish. Anyway, don't be afraid. You might say, but she knows I love, oh does she really?

Do you think it'll hurt to tell her again? Do you think she's gonna be offended if somehow you show her again that you love her and that of all the women on planet Earth, she is the only one that has your heart and your affection.

Won't hurt. That's the kind of love Christ has for his church. Sometimes men wonder, is it possible to love my wife too much? I think I know what's behind that question, but that's not real love. That's doting and other things.

It's impossible to love your wife too much because we'll never, never equal the love Christ had for his church. That's the standard. Husbands, love your wives. Let me just mention briefly an appreciation for the relationship.

Unity, Suitability, and Equality in Marriage

I want you to think of an attitude that was conveyed. Genesis chapter 2. God intended unity, one flesh. God intends marriage to be a moving together in life. This isn't just a physical one flesh. I know it is that, but it's far more.

It is a unity of purpose, a unity of goals, a unity of action. God intends that to be what should mark marriage, a unity. We're reminded as well of a suitability. I like, I don't know if any of you have used Sproul's translation of the Old Testament, but Genesis chapter 2 is translated as Adam is confronted with Eve.

When the Lord brings Eve to Adam, her translation is this. This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. You see, what had happened was God said it is not good for man to be alone, and then surprisingly, Genesis 2 says God brought all the animals before Adam to give them names.

It's as though in all of that vast assemblage that passed by Adam, he was searching for someone who could be a companion, and it says there was not found one meat for Adam. Then it says the Lord caused a deep sleep.

See, I think what God was doing was creating a deep yearning in the heart of Adam. All those, yeah, that's fine, and there they all are, and it can give them all names, but there's no one here for me.

You see, Adam had, if you'll just allow it in just vectors, if you will, Adam had a vertical relationship upward with God. That was wonderful. He had a vertical relationship downward with creation. That was wonderful.

God says he needs a horizontal relationship. He needs someone he can relate to, someone who can help him develop all he can be for me. Now, I am going to ruffle feathers. Forgive me. Regardless of how much you love your cat and love your dog, you cannot have a horizontal relationship with them.

You know, if you're going to have a relationship with them, you got to get down where they are, crawl on the floor, you know, purr like they purr, and you know, that's the kind of relationship you have with them.

It's nice, but it certainly is not a horizontal relationship. God says here's someone who is suitable for Adam. God brings suitable people together, matches them perfectly to develop each to their fullness for God, a suitability, but it also implies an equality.

It's an equality. You see, not beneath me, horizontal, absolutely equal before God, an equal spiritual life, an equal spiritual value, an equal spiritual purpose. Headship does not imply importance relative to another.

It is simply spheres of authority that God has instituted for the good of that union, but also above that to mirror divine relationships as well. The atmosphere that is created they were both naked, the man and the woman, and they were not ashamed.

What was the first thing that happened when sin came in? They began to cover up. God intended absolute transparency in a relationship, openness, nothing to cover. Sin brought covers. Sin still brings covers in relationships, still builds walls, still erects barriers.

Our sinful natures do that. God intended transparency, openness in marriage. That is God's ideal still. God intends in the wonderful, unconditional relationship of marriage. God intends there to be absolute transparency and openness between two individuals.

That they may be a help one to another in that way. And, of course, then linked with that is an unconditional love that is absolutely committed to the relationship, to see it through, and to seek improvement for God.

The Spiritual Priority of Marriage

Let me just mention one or two things as the time is almost gone. An awareness, the priority, the primacy of a spiritual relationship. Just look very quickly at one verse, 1st Corinthians chapter 9. I think this is vital.

That's why I'm taking time to read it, despite the fact that we only have a little time here. Look at verse number 3 of 1st Corinthians chapter 9. My answer to them to examine me is this. Have we not power or authority?

Have we not the right to eat and drink? He's being questioned here about whether he's an apostle, of course. Have we not power or the authority to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord in Cephas?

Do you notice anything arresting about verse 5? Anything that strikes you as significant in the order of the words Paul uses? Have we not authority to lead about a sister, a wife? She is, first of all, your sister in Christ.

Then she is your wife. You see, there is a spiritual relationship which is going to exist forever. I know it is hard for us to conceive of being in heaven with our wives, our husbands, and that relationship not being there, but whatever it is, heaven is going to be better than this.

As wonderful as marriage can be on earth, it is going to certainly be better. So let's not think that somehow we're going to lose something out. But what I want to impress you with this is that she is, first of all, your sister in Christ.

Then she is your wife. Now, all I want to just point out to you is then it behooves you to be very careful how you treat a sister. It would be a sad thing to have to think of being ashamed to see her in heaven, wouldn't it, because of the way you've treated her on earth.

That somehow, you know, when you were public everything looked fine, but when it was private there was a totally different type of life. Paul says she's your sister. Then she's your wife. She has been given to you by the Lord for a period of time on earth.

She will cease to be yours one day, but she will always belong to the Lord. Be careful what you do with what belongs to the Lord. Treat it carefully. So there, first of all, then is the priority of the spiritual, the priority as well.

We could speak of forgiveness, the necessity of forgiveness in marriage, and so on, but let me just come to the arithmetic of marriage. What I mean by the arithmetic of marriage is that in God's reckoning one plus one never equals two.

Marriage as a Means of Serving God

You never take one man and one woman, bring them together in marriage, and get the sum of the parts. You will either multiply your usefulness for God and be far greater than two, or you will so hinder each other as to be less than one.

Now, you know, if you can understand what I'm saying, 1st Corinthians 7 teaches that we should use marriage among its many, many other purposes. Use it as a means for serving God, which is why some individuals God chooses not to bring marriage into their lives.

Their usefulness is served far greater in a single state. For others, it is served much better in a marriage state. And so 1st Corinthians 7 teaches that marriage should be, among other things, used to multiply my usefulness for God.

But if it's the wrong person, it is going to minimize usefulness for God. So hinder each other, so affect each other, that what could have been a useful life will be marred. So the question every husband must ask himself tonight is, is my wife more for God because I married her, or is she less?

And likewise, every wife has to ask herself, because I married him, is he able to be more for God, or have I hindered him? One plus one never equals two. Let me just, in closing, point out a few things from Proverbs 31, if I may, which I think are very helpful.

Mutual Honor in Proverbs 31

As you read through Proverbs 31, and do it on your own again, because we read it hurriedly without time to underline some of the things, ask yourself, first of all, this question. What does this woman's husband think about her?

What does he think about her? You'll notice, won't you, first of all, he expresses confidence in her, doesn't he, in verse 11. The heart of her husband safely trusts in her. He's got absolute confidence in her, and he's conveyed that to her.

He has confidence in her. He gives her responsibility in verse 16, you'll notice. He seeks her counsel in verse number 26, and in verse 28, he publicly expresses his appreciation for her. You get your appreciation at work, don't you, or you get your lack of it.

You either get your raise, you get your review, and the boss says, you know, you're doing a great job, or you're doing a poor job, and you get that review that gives you some sense of direction, some sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Whoever reviews their wife at home, you know, dear, it's time to sit down for the year now and give you a review of your work, and maybe give you a bonus. Perish the thought, I know. At least a box of candy or something, okay?

But here's a man that makes it a point of publicly acknowledging what he thinks of his wife. Public appreciation. You do that for your wife? Privately or publicly, making it clear that you appreciate her.

That's what this woman's husband thinks of her. That's what this man is like, and he allows her to be honored for what she does. She's praising the gates. He doesn't mind it. He's happy to see her get her due.

What about what does she think of him? How does she treat him? Well, you can go through the chapter and see how she treats him. She's wanting him to have his place. He's known in the gates. And you can go through the chapter and look at that.

Here are a couple. And as you read this chapter, what you find is this. They are intent on each other's honor and each other's good. That's their whole goal in life, is to see that each other is honored and each other is blessed spiritually.

Each other is helped and encouraged. I learned from John chapter 5 that because the father loves the son, his great desire is to see that son honored. Love always seeks to honor the object it loves. Bringing that over into marriage, love will always seek the honor of the object of its love.