Finding the Grace to Die - Part 2 — Jackie Pullinger

This strange thing about the cross when When you've made the decision, it's a struggle in the heart you see When you've made the decision You know it costs nothing. But before you've made the decision you know it costs everything and this is what Jesus struggled with and It was a genuine Agony, and it's genuine.

Jesus' Prayer of Surrender

This is nothing that we can take lightly or say quickly. Oh dying is easy. Jesus Went through this the night Before he died and it was a genuine agony. And he said father is there another way father is there another way.

Is there another way. I would rather not could this cup pass from me could I drink another cup. And when he Sweated through this to the point of sweat, which was like blood He then came back and said Yet not what I will But what you will and the struggle was over but briefly.

For when he went to find his disciples who did not accompany him in this struggle He came back and yet to go through the whole thing again, that's where the struggle is and Before you've made the decision, it's a real struggle and it may take time and You know, it costs everything and when you've made the decision You know It costs nothing and my prayer for the church my hope and my challenge is That we will learn to choose death voluntarily.

It's not a popular teaching. Jesus says in John 10 17 The reason my father loves me is that I laid down my life Only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again this command.

I received from my father. Jesus says the reason the father loves him is that he voluntarily Lays down his life. Now. He's got authority to do this and Authority to take it up again and I Don't know whether you read Books on Codependency if you're remotely interested in ministering with the poor you've probably read some and I Want to tell you that I believe that's a great amount of truth in these books.

I also believe That When the church picks up this teaching in a wrong way it makes anybody who suffers or who gives up their life or Who's willing to go through a hard time it gives them a bad name because Codependency now teaches that I define my boundaries.

Surrendering Personal Boundaries

I decide What I can stand. I decide what I need. I decide how much sleep I can cope with. I know my limits and I live within these limits and that's Exactly what the Bible does not teach. You see where this teaching is Distorted is where I have decided what I need instead of understanding that my father knows What I need and trusting that he really knows better if I decide What I need and how much sleep I can cope with and how many days holiday I must have in order to exist.

I Am going to be threatened Every single time my boundaries are crossed, and this is one of the great problems on the mission field these days is That we have a huge number of people who arrive on the mission field with predefined boundaries.

Because they have decided How they can exist and of the shame is that by deciding this we as Jonah said Forfeit the grace that could be ours. It's not a popular teaching people are always coming up to me over the years, and they were saying to me Because they saw that I looked exhausted.

They thought that I looked tired and They were always saying to me Jackie. You must take a rest. I I want to tell you this if you go to people that are ministering with the poor don't say that There's nothing more exhausting than people who are giving you theoretical advice about holidays when you're tired and And if you are living and working with the poor you can't walk off the job.

It's the people that write about it that can the people who live with the poor can't because the poor in their hearts and in their homes and. And we had so many visitors that came to us mostly men. And they'd say Jackie.

Are you do you think you're supposed to be doing this as a woman? And I'd say you do it. You stay. You love my people you love God's people that's all me to take a holiday. My people won't understand me taking a holiday you see the poor don't understand that Monday is your day off.

They only understand you're not there. This is not a popular teaching. But I'm saying that if we are willing to give up our boundaries our idea our preconditions We will receive Everything we need from the Father.

We will get more holidays than other people or at least more Sabbath rest because it's What we get from him that counts, it's not the day off we've demanded and There's a rest that we enter which is his Sabbath, which is more refreshing than our allotted holiday, and we are always having people that say I need time off and I Always want to decide do you need time off or do you need something in your heart?

Because the most exhausting thing is this struggle within and the struggle is to give up my rights, and it's exhausting struggle and The current teaching these days is when this struggle comes upon us.

Go and take a holiday. I tell you the people that come back from those holidays are more exhausted Because they have not faced the struggle and the struggle is I will Give up my rights, and if we will give up our rights the struggle is over for a while.

We're refreshed like Jesus was By the angels now. It's very simple just little things. I'm talking about just little things. Johnny was talking about noodles For breakfast just little things. That's it.

We have people who come and we say if you could bear not to eat McDonald's while you're here. Because we have McDonald's of course in Hong Kong. We know you prefer McDonald's I mean who really wants noodles for breakfast.

But if you could bear to stay with our people and eat their breakfast They would understand that you love them. Better than that they would understand you need McDonald's for breakfast. Those are just little things just tiny things if we say God I'll work with the poor, but this is my bottom line and Some people have a bottom line.

I must have a room to myself or Some people as long as I can have orange juice every morning. I can survive or some people Just as long as I can have a quiet time by myself. I can survive. You're gonna have to give up this right or some people as long as I can have Tuesdays off to write letters I shall be fine or Wednesdays off for hair washing or whatever.

We had somebody who came Not long ago, and she said God I think I can survive Hong Kong as long as you give me a Good hairdresser. You know because she got used to the Canadian one, but then she had to give that up, too.

All right, God. Okay. Okay. I give up my right to a good hairdresser. Of course she got one when she gave up her right but that's where the struggle is and It's Understanding that God the Father knows we need rest.

More than we do he invented it. He invented days off. He invented holidays. The problem is when we have planned when we must have these things. We're angry. When when the poor intrude and if you get to work with the poor they will intrude all the time.

Ministry Among the Poor

This man that I told you about the one that banged his forehead on the pavement and drew blood. You know a miracle happened to him. One day I met him and he told me this wonderful story. He said you sometimes stopped and you told me about Jesus, and he said one day there was a typhoon and In the typhoon he chose To go into a subway is that underneath the road.

It was a road crossing and He said and it's very rainy, and it's very windy in a typhoon, so he stayed down there in the belly of the earth for three days and three nights and He called upon Jesus. And he got off heroin all by himself nobody prayed with him.

He just called upon Jesus. And when I met him he's still sleeping in the streets. He told me I know Jesus now. He's still very strange and he's His toe got all septic and it started to ooze pus and he couldn't walk so I went to see him and found him there and Then I took a couple of friends, and we picked him up and we took him to the hospital and went to visit him there, and he stayed there some time while they took off his toes and Then they needed a place for him to live and there was not a place so the hospital Put him in the street Without telling me he was discharged so we had to go find him again and Then he had nowhere to live my place was full.

I got you know about 34 people by that time and So I looked around for somewhere where he could go. By law in Hong Kong people with no homes are supposed to have one. But you know it doesn't quite work like that and you'll find this with the poor even if there are Supposed rights.

They're very often too poor to know how to Receive their rights, that's why the scripture says you Uphold the rights of the poor and So what it meant for us was this it was getting up at 3 o 'clock in the morning to go down to where he was sleeping To make sure that we could wake him up.

To make sure that somebody could take him into the public toilet and shower him and dress him To make sure that he was ready enough in time For us then to take him for a cup of tea and then to to go with him on a bus To the place where you get cards to say that you exist because he didn't have one.

And if you don't have one of those you nobody gives you a place to live and then we This takes several days, and then we take him to another office where people are rude because people are often rude to the poor and they this is the housing place and we go into the housing place the Hong Kong Housing Authority and Everybody sees me sitting there and the officers give me a cup of tea and leave him.

Because I look important, and I say to them you should give him the cup of tea and when we've done this for several weeks. They give him a small money grant, but still not a place and With a small money grant I have to go up and down staircases.

Finding landlords that will take such a strange man into their home this takes Weeks it takes months. For one man and even when we found him this place. You know he's so strange. The people don't really like him living there, and so they kick him out and so we do it again, and then we do it again and Then we do it again and finally he got a proper place to live.

But then he quarreled with the man that they put him to live with and so He's out again. Well anyway the story with this man has gone on for some years. But he's finally somewhere now. And he used to come to church and he got this awful toy parrot and.

And this awful toy parrot was one that imitated you know if you said good morning. He said good morning and We used to be having what I called strategy prayer meetings. We were praying about the nation of Hong Kong we were praying about international strategy.

How can we reach the world by the year 2000? We're doing really important stuff. You know and we're having these international leaders, and we're working out these strategies and this Wretched man comes in all the time good morning punch you take a morning push you take us the parrot.

And he sticks it into my face. And we want to say look Uncle Lam this is really not an appropriate time to pay a visit. We're having a very important international strategy meeting on how to reach the world he doesn't understand.

And he this wretched parrot he talks to it. And it talks back in the middle of the prayer meeting and then he puts down this thermos of sweet soup. And I hate sweet soup. And he says punch you tear. I have made this sweet soup for you and.

And bananas, and I don't like bananas either. He's always giving me sweet soup and bananas you see. It's just like Gary's friend. This man is my friend. And he has a place to live and never mind international strategy for the year 2000 he thinks he can come into my room my office and so he can.

And so he can lest I forget. This is what the strategy is about. But you see the poor Will spoil our plans and as far as I can see by reading Mark's gospel. They spoiled Jesus plans you see. If you read Mark's gospel, you'll see that Jesus planned days off planned Times with the father.

Times of refreshing and sometimes he went up mountains and they found him and He didn't say. This is my time with the father. I'm not coming. He said I will come and you read that he missed meals. He missed sleep.

And so he said to just his disciples. Well, we'll go across the other side of the lake and we'll We'll have a rest and when he got to the other side of no idea how they knew. But the telephone system must have been wonderful because by the time he got to the other side of the lake.

There were the crowds and he ministered to them. This is amazing. Now he must have had his rest At another time and I'm when I'm saying that we should give up our rights I'm not saying that we will then Miss out on what we need.

The key to this is Understanding that we have a father who is more concerned about what we need Than we are and more accurate. Because we think we know what we need and he made us. So he knows what we need and he has promised to supply all our needs in Christ Jesus and not only ours but enough To give away and so we see that Jesus on other times Was asleep in the middle of a storm.

He got his rest and for some extraordinary reason. He was confident enough in his father to sleep In the middle of a storm. So he rested in Hebrews 5 verse 7 it says During the days of Jesus life on earth.

He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears To the one he could save him from death and he was heard because of his reverence of mission Although he was a son. He learned obedience from what he suffered and Once having been made perfect he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.

Jesus' Obedience Through Suffering

What does it mean once having been made perfect was Jesus not perfect? It's interesting that it says Although he was a son he learned obedience From what he suffered. What is this? I believe that Jesus had been practicing all his life from very young.

What is the suffering. The suffering is simply? Father your will. Not mine. That's the whole key and He practiced it in little ways and when he began his ministry and the power of the Spirit was upon him the enemy came to him and He was tempted in Matthew 4 three temptations, which I believe are current for us Christians today and very relevant.

The first temptation was If you're the Christ Command these stones to become bread. The temptation was to use the power That God had given him and the authority for himself. The second temptation was if you're the son of God throw yourself down from this tower.

The temptation Was to use the power that God gave him for effect and the third temptation If you will bow down, I will give you all the kingdoms of this world and their splendor. He could have had all that he could see.

And I believe that this was a temptation for instant Ministry. I was in Taiwan once. And I was speaking to a group of pastors, and I was telling them when you get involved with the poor this ministry is The slowest this is the one that won't look good, and this is what I'm offering you people.

The slowest no the slowest starting. I actually believe That if we will be involved with the poor this is the quickest way of reaching the world but it will not bring instant effect and What most of us in the church want is instant ministry?

If I can receive the power of the Holy Spirit I can instantly do things. Now if Jesus had to practice for 33 years Why would I think I could do it any quicker as? A son he learned obedience from what he suffered he practiced throughout his life.

Giving up his will to the will of the father so he was ready for the big one and for many of us It's easier to say I'm going to give up my life for the lost than it is to die daily. Than it is to give up my my right to Wednesday's off.

And this is a lot of the problem that we have with Christians. When we say would you mind doing this Wednesday? I know it's your day off and they say No, this is my day off. I shall die without it and when you've got people who are dying Because there's nobody to look after them on Wednesday.

They don't understand That this is the Christians day off, and I will say give up your day off because in giving up your Wednesday You'll get many more Sabbaths you won't lose out and The disciples were always coming to Jesus and saying don't go to Jerusalem.

You'll die or Peter said no no no no Lord you won't die and Jesus was very rude a popular Thing to say give up your days off these days. Everything that we're taught is the opposite look after yourself know your boundaries and when Peter said to Jesus No, you'll not die.

Jesus said get behind me Satan. For he knew that the purpose of him coming was to die and when he was Going towards Jerusalem in Luke 13 32 they said don't go there because Herod's planning to kill you and he said go and tell that Fox I will drive out demons and heal people today and tomorrow and on the third day I will reach my goal in any case I must keep going today and tomorrow.

For no prophet can die Outside Jerusalem. They told him not to go and I'm always having people saying to me Jackie. You'll burn out If you go on like this You see it's really Exhausting keeping your limits.

That is what is tiring. That's what makes people burn out. When we are doing the will of God With his fuel we can't burn out. But we may be exhausted and there's nothing wrong with being exhausted. Jesus was Paul was Paul was shipwrecked Paul was flogged Paul was imprisoned.

There's nothing wrong with it in fact. This is Jesus promise. It's his promise. In fact to everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. If we haven't come into persecution, maybe we're not living a godly life.

This is a normal part of the gospel. You'll be handed over to be persecuted and put to death. You'll be hated by all nations because of me. This is a great blessing from Jesus. He said if they did that to me Why would they not do that to you?

This is part of it. And this is why the gospel in China is so effective. Because the Christians in China know before they come to Christ that the probability is That they are going to be killed if Not imprisoned and so you actually meet Christians there Who say oh I have not yet suffered from for Christ.

I have not yet had this privilege. I've only been in prison five years truly and they mean it and they're smiling. I met this man once and he's nearly blind and He told people about Jesus and he was told not to.

So they put him in prison and they put him in a dark place and It was like a pigsty no light for a couple of years which is why he's now nearly blind and He had to Live and eat off the floor that he also used for his toilet.

When I looked at him he was smiling and he was shining and he said They made a mistake. He said they won't do that again to me. They really regret it. Because he taught with Jesus in his prison cell and Although it was dark he was light and when he came out of prison he walked through a village and And before he even opened his mouth to tell people about Jesus.

People came to Christ and people were healed. There was something about that man, and he said they regret they regret Putting me in prison. They said it's had the opposite effect. There is this man. He doesn't even need to preach well All he needs to do is stand in a village and because the light of Christ Is shining from him and because of course he's forgiven his Prison officers.

I mean that's not a hard thing for him to do. He knew that was coming before he came to Christ. His heart is so full of Christ and his eyes Cannot see but he can see and men can see Jesus in him and Whole villages turned to Christ.

A young girl. I knew I used to visit her every day and every week in China she was arrested the year before last and They gave her a sheet of toilet paper every day, and she would she didn't know how long she was going to be in prison and So she thought in case I forget the scriptures.

I'll write out all the scriptures I know so instead of using the toilet paper. She she wrote very tiny on her piece of toilet paper all the scriptures she could think of and she did this for three months and then they released her and She would walk into a Christian gathering she would open her mouth and Out of her mouth would come All these scriptures, that's all happened.

Out of her mouth came scriptures and People turned to the Lord and people were healed. Villages and village leaders and village communist leaders turned to Christ because Scriptures were pouring from her mouth.

That's all she did. Just a weak little teenager Who used her toilet paper? For Christ. Nothing else she has to boast of except the Christ the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ and She knows the power of his resurrection.

Because she shared the fellowship of his suffering. Becoming like him in death there is no power without weakness and Many of us in the church these days wanted a quicker way, and I can remember One of these many people that used to visit us and you know for our first 15 years We always looked awful.

We were tired. People had run away. All the miracles that had happened looked as if they've got spoiled until I began to understand something. You see I wrote stories about people who were touched by the power of Christ and their hearts were changed and their bodies were changed, and I thought that's a good testimony and then this great triad leader who'd come to Christ a few weeks later just like Gary's man Might pull a knife on someone and I think oh, oh that spoils his testimony.

No it hasn't. You see we don't testify to how we've changed we testify to how he loved. That's the testimony so the testimony always stands see. You can always share. He loved anyway. See the result of the gospel stories do we they just end.

It says the man was healed or it says the man saw or it says the woman's back was straightened. We don't know what happened the next day. We don't know. They just finished there. It's us that want to complete the story, but I tell you with the poor.

It looks the opposite most of the time. I Saw people come to Christ this great miracle. And I thought good now all I have to do is to walk into drug dens put my hands on people. And they'll all be changed you know now I've got the secret we pray in tongues and say in the name of Jesus walk into drug dens and everybody's miraculously delivered and Sometimes it almost looks like that and the first man that it happened to came a Couple of weeks later, and he said to me Jackie I was in the opium den last night and Somebody offered me free opium, and I really wanted to take it.

And I thought what are you doing in an opium den? You've just come to Christ, and he said I prayed for strength not to take opium. And I knelt down on the platform, and I sang them a very appropriate song for an opium den.

Which has given me oil in my lamp, and then he said praise God. And I said no, this is not praise God at all. This is very foolish. You can't go into opium dens and pray for strength not to take opium.

You're. You're a new person in Christ. You shouldn't be in an opium den and he said I live there and I realized That I had expected him in the moment that he came to Christ. All his problems were over.

I didn't expect that of myself. I had a very double standard and that was why I began to take people into my House because I couldn't find another place for them to go and one day one of these many night Knocks on the door from the police.

And one night the policeman said Jackie. I think I've got one of your men and he was Cueing up at a lorry for an injection. And I said oh, no no no no no he couldn't have been queuing up at a lorry for an injection.

I'm sure he was preaching the gospel. I was very naive. You see he was a new man in Christ, and he prophesied last night. Why would he queue up for an injection, but he was? And he was a new man in Christ, and he prophesied.

But you see he was still working through other things, and I began to see so am I. We had this wonderful friend. He's one of my favorite people. He was a street sleeper and Gary was talking about this the The bag lady that had all the bags well this street sleeper wasn't clever enough to ever even have one bag.

He was always having his bag stolen. He didn't even have a spare pair of flip-flops and I was introduced to him by his brother. Who had said to me? I've tried reading the Bible to my brother in the street.

And he doesn't want to hear and I said to him no of course he doesn't want to why should you read the Bible to? A street sleeper. I Mean he can't read and you've got a home. Let's take him to tea instead he'll understand that so we chose this really nice restaurant and I went with a very fat uncle and Who had previously?

Been on drugs he was a police sergeant and he started on drugs because he used to take the drugs that he got off people and After he came off drugs he got very fat. So I sat by him and my friend came in with his brother.

That was the messy street sleeper and he's very thin and the thin one looked at the fat one and the fat one looked at the thin one and They both pointed to one another and they both said you and he turned out they'd been in prison together and The thin one came up to the fat one sitting by me, and he said Why are you so fat?

And the fat one said Jesus and the thin one said I'll have him so we prayed over the teapot and he we We didn't explain the gospel. We don't explain the gospel by the way we prayed and He said I'll have him.

You know the one that makes you fat and And The Holy Spirit came upon him and he spoke in tongues over the teapot and this all took five minutes and He was a new man, and I said to him Lalon, how many convictions have you had he said?

78. And he said next time it'll be 79 and I said how many of them did you do? He said oh about half. Because you know when you're when you're a Messy street sleeper on drugs, and he had sores all over his body you get arrested for things you haven't done sort of easy.

Anyway, he came to live with us, and he was such a sweet man and He had a new heart. But he had long toenails two or three inches long. And I said to him Lalon, why have you got such long toenails? And he said it's to gouge people with.

Then I understood of course you need fingernails to gouge people with because they might take your bag in the night and So he'd come to trust Jesus. He just didn't trust our brothers and He kept long toenails for about two years, and then he cut his toenails.

And I thought That's pretty good. It only took you two years to cut your toenails. People can't see mine. Or I think they can't and I think that man had come Further in his life than I have in mine. He used to jog every morning around the playground next door to where we lived we were living in some tin huts and He got cancer, and he still jogged and every time we worshipped.

He was always the first one on his feet. He loved worshipping and he came to me one day, and he said Poonsootse, the doctors can't help me. They can't do anything for me, but I'm putting all my trust in my Jesus.

And he said you know sometimes at night. I can't sleep and He said when I can't sleep Jesus comes into my room, and he sits on my bed. I often hear this story and He said we spent the night talking about you, and I thought I'm so rich.

You know I don't know anyone that has an intercessor like me. Fancy Jesus comes and sits in your bed, and he spends the whole night talking about me to Jesus. That's amazing what a friend to have he can't read at all.

Took him two years to cut his toenails, but he talks to Jesus about me. And then he died. And I so miss him. But you know I suppose Jesus wanted him even more and I I I'm longing to see him again. Because he was a great friend.

The Gospel Does Not Always Look Successful

But when the world or when the church came to see us it didn't look like that. It looked as if this converted man was still dirty. Still swearing still had long toenails it looked as if our addicts Who had come off drugs?

Miraculously one minute praised God and the next minute ran away and We had ten people in our house. And then there were eight and then there was six and then there were four and then there were two and we they'd all run Away, and then you got one and he stayed for three months, and you thought oh, there's my next leader.

Listen. If you work with the poor you'll do this but try not to Try not to look at one of your initial converts and put leadership on him. Don't they all they all disappoint you and you must not put the future of your ministry on him.

It's too hard. I Saw this happen so many times, and I thought well this one is going to be alright. And then somebody else would come into the house. They'd both run away. And it looked as if I was going backwards.

Most of the time and I looked at my friends in England, and I looked at my friends in the States and They got cell groups. That were multiplying. They've got Bible study groups that were increasing. They could count their successes.

Their people could fill in the blanks in their books. Our people couldn't read the books. My friends meetings were getting bigger. Our people forgot it was Wednesday. It is so with the poor and if you do this to satisfy your successful ministry.

You'll be disappointed. I Told you I shared this with the Taiwanese pastor. I said you will look as if you're going backwards. Everybody else's ministry will look as if it's flourishing and The very ones that you brought to Christ have disappointed you.

I said, that's it he said I've never heard this ministry before. I've never heard about this. How come we've not heard of this. We hear about church growth. I said have you not heard of Jesus? Who when he died had nothing to show?

For his ministry a few women and 11 men in disarray until the breath of the Holy Spirit brought a dead Jesus to life and in the twinkling of an eye. It was all changed. Ministry with the poor is like this.

You will look as if you're going slower than everyone you will look as if you're going backwards. There's nothing to show except tiredness and grief and yet suddenly. For us, I don't know how it happened, but suddenly some stayed.

Grew up a bit and then more and then suddenly. I don't know how it happened, but round about this time I met Gary he didn't he hadn't seen all our early real tired years and Suddenly there were more people and more people and suddenly we had Five or six hundred that you could see on a Sunday suddenly in our addicts meetings we had people queuing up to meet Jesus and People from other countries would come now it was different.

And they would look and one of them saw our addicts meetings. Which we have every week and every week we see. Probably between 2 to 20 people saved. Filled with the Holy Spirit. Speaking in tongues and ready to get off drugs at least.

Between 2 to 20 every week we can't stop them coming and the visitors come and they say Jackie have you thought of exporting this model because they only see that meeting. They think somehow. This formula of praying in tongues and preaching Is a quick one and I said no, I've not thought of exporting this model.

But I have thought we should export the cross. Because what you're seeing is unfair you see people coming through the door and All our addicts come to Christ within five minutes now they come in through the door.

They know Christ within five minutes. This is normal. We go out to meet street sleepers. Many of them come to know Christ within five minutes, but it's unfair you see because it looks as if it's five minutes but it's actually 30 years and When you work with the poor it's that slow.

It looks as if you're losing and then everything else comes in. Unfairly, and we get many many for free now I mean for free. Where we've not labored people come in and people come up to me, and they say Jackie.

I saw your video. People in Canada have no idea what they're talking about because I've not made a video. But you see what happened was they were going to pull the walled city down a few years ago. So the whole world took videos of the walled city.

And we've got to be in them all because we were just part of what was happening so all these secular people Who do it better. Came and took videos of what Jesus was doing in the walled city. We got to be in them all and I got letters from people in Australia and Canada and England and they said I saw your video and while I was watching it.

I got healed all. My brother came off drugs while he was watching your video, and I think God we got that one for free. That's nothing to do with us, you know, but that's what it is if you minister to one poor man and lose your life and get exhausted and Maybe even die in obscurity.