TLP 600: Emotional Blackmail

If Samson had seen the way Delilah was emotionally blackmailing him, he never would have told her about the source of his supernatural power.

Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome to our 600th episode!

Of course, if you're just joining us, then this really is only your first episode, and that's fair. But this episode truly stands on the foundation laid in the previous 599 episodes.

We've tried so hard to faithfully understand the Scriptures in order to faithfully apply it to our marriages and parenting.

And that's what today's episode really is. It's a topic that the Scriptures don't directly address, even though it happens frequently in some people's lives.

But that doesn't mean the Scriptures are silent on how we are to navigate these situations and respond to them.

As always, you will find free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources in the description of this episode.

I pray they will assist you to better understand this topic of what the world calls emotional blackmail.

So, let's get right into it. As a biblical counselor, I've met so many people who have had this done to them.

As a human, I, no doubt, have done it to so many people, and I've also been the recipient of it on many occasions.

Now, I don't normally quote too many individuals on this show. I try so hard for our teaching and motivation to come from the

Scriptures. And when I do quote people, I rarely, if ever, quote John Piper. Though he and I do agree on many things,

I find we also disagree on nearly just as many. I don't know. It's hard to quantify. And since there are plenty of other voices out there saying the same things

Piper is saying, I can normally quote someone else with whom I agree more. But there's a quote of his that is really important, and I want to just read it to you.

John Piper said, "...emotional blackmail happens when a person equates his or her emotional pain with another person's failure to love."

They aren't the same. "...a person may love well, and the beloved still feel hurt, and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have.

Emotional blackmail says, if I feel hurt by you, you are guilty. There is no defense. The hurt person has become

God. His emotion has become judge and jury. Truth does not matter. All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved.

It is above question. This emotional device is a great evil."

And Piper's observations on this point are so good. So I want to take the balance of the episode to make sure we understand what emotional blackmail is, identify it biblically, and then discuss how we are to respond to it.

But before we start, I want to thank all of you who are new to the show and those of you who have been with us since the beginning.

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Now let's start today's conversation by considering number one, the definition of blackmail. According to Merriam -Webster, blackmail is extortion or coercion by threats, especially of public exposure or criminal prosecution.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as the act of getting money from people or forcing them to do something by threatening to tell a secret of theirs or to harm them.

Number two, the definition of emotion. We have a carefully curated collection of resources all about emotions and the

Bible. We call it the Doctrine of Emotion, and you can get access to it on the Evermind app. In fact, because you're listening to this episode today, you can get access to that resource for only $10 by using the link in the description.

To put it simply, emotions are the feelings we have as a result of the chemical reactions within our bodies that are not inherently related to external physical stimuli.

For example, the room may feel warm to me. That's not the feeling we're talking about. My foot may feel terrible because I just stepped on a cactus, but that's not the feeling we're discussing.

We're talking about feelings of happiness, anxiety, sadness, disgust, affection, exhilaration, depression, fear, and the like.

Though feelings of anger may arise because I stepped on a cactus, it wasn't the stepping on the cactus that created the feelings of anger.

People can step on cactuses without becoming angry. It's also important to note that unlike feeling warm in a hot climate,

I actually do have control over my emotions. They may sound unfamiliar or even strange to some of you, especially because the world has tried to convince us for so long that we don't have any control over our emotions.

In fact, our emotions, we're told, control us. But biblically speaking, that is not the case.

I choose to respond with so many of the emotions that we often blame on external stimulus.

This leads us to number three, the definition of emotional blackmail. In a similar way that I might expect another person to pay me money in return for not harming them in some way,

I can emotionally blackmail someone by expecting them to act differently or treat me differently because they did something about which they should be ashamed, namely hurting my feelings.

And if they don't stop doing what I don't like, I'm going to hurt them in some way. I'm going to give them some kind of consequence.

So with this groundwork laid, let's step back through Piper's quote. Quote, emotional blackmail happens when a person equates his or her emotional pain with another person's failure to love.

In essence, they're simply communicating because you don't love me or because you did something insulting, I am now experiencing emotional pain.

And that's the secret. You hurt me. You wounded me. You abused me.

Piper goes on to say, quote, if I feel hurt by you, you are guilty. There is no defense, unquote.

You are absolutely guilty because of what you did, because how could you not be guilty if I didn't feel this way?

Now, Piper's quote doesn't address the next step that says, now you need to change. You need to stop doing what that to me.

You're not allowed to treat me like that or else. That's the blackmail part. The quote unquote sin is thrown into your face.

You abused me emotionally. And then the blackmail is, and now you have to stop doing that or I'm going to fill in the blank.

I may threaten to tell people how terrible you are. I may threaten to divorce you. I may threaten to withhold facets of our relationship from you.

Now before we go on, I want to be perfectly clear. Number four, the wickedness of sin. First, if someone truly was wicked and unloving, that's not okay.

We've talked often on this show about how to address people in their sin, the necessity and the purpose of that.

God expects that we rebuke and reprove and admonish and correct people. I'm not suggesting that if your feelings are hurt, it's all your fault and the other person did nothing wrong.

That would be wicked of me to suggest. No, a person must be held responsible for their sin. They need to confess it and repent.

However, nothing I just said removes the responsibility from the one who was sinned against.

Second, I don't have the right to respond sinfully when people sin against me. The Bible is abundantly clear that I am to love my enemy, to do good to those who treat me poorly.

I am to forgive people, to be merciful and gracious. Just because they sin against me doesn't give me permission to slander and abuse and manipulate them.

Third, it's also entirely possible that the first person didn't sin at all, but that doesn't stop the second person from responding sinfully to it.

People hated Jesus when he spoke the truth to them. Were they alive today, the Pharisees would definitely have claimed that Jesus weaponized his beliefs, triggered people, offended people, and committed hate crimes against them when he simply told them the loving truth.

Piper's quote spoke to this as well. He said, quote, a person may love well and the beloved still feel hurt and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have, unquote.

So sin is wicked regardless of who's committing it. There's no excuse, no defense. There's only liability to God.

But regardless of whether the first person was right or wrong, our consideration today is the sinful emotional blackmail, how to avoid it, and how to respond to it.

So number five, the abomination of emotional blackmail. You've probably heard me reference the fact that one of the strongest words in the

Bible God ever used to describe a sin is the word abomination. And it's important to note that most of the time that word is used, it's in reference to idolatry, false worship, and spiritual adultery.

It's an abomination to put our will above God's, to disobey the Lord because we feel like it or we think that we know better, or to pursue good things in good ways for our own glory.

I encourage you to check out our Mearest Christianity series if you think that you'd like to work through the biblical material concerning worship and how it affects everything in our lives.

Now let's consider James 4, 1 through 4. What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?

Is it not the source of your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and you do not have, so you murder.

You are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.

You ask and do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity toward God?

Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world sets himself as an enemy of God. Why do

I do what I do? Because I want what I want. I quarrel with people because I'm not getting what

I want. I murder people because of my unfulfilled lusts. But why do I want what

I want? Because I'm an adulterer. I cheat on God by stealing the worship that belongs to Him and giving it to myself.

That makes me an enemy of God, and that's exactly what the emotional blackmailer does. Piper said, "...the

hurt person has become God. His emotion has become judge and jury. Truth does not matter.

All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved. It is above question. This emotional device is a great evil."

It's a great evil to emotionally blackmail when the individual has not been sinned against, but it's equally a great evil when the individual has been sinned against.

Why is it so wrong? Because God has commanded us how we should respond in situations like this, and emotional blackmail is always inappropriate.

Now, we don't have time today to step through all of the reasons that emotional blackmail is sinful, but I will say the root of idolatry is the main reason, and there are also the issues of a lack of self -control, calling good evil, selfishness, personal delusion, lying, manipulation, being controlling, and so many more that regularly play into situations involving emotional blackmail.

We must never try to motivate people to change because of how I choose to feel about what they did. Even when our kids sin, we should never say things like,

I can't believe you did that, or you have no idea how badly you're breaking my heart, or I really need you to…

Now please hear me, I am not saying that our kids have a realistic view of the consequences of their choices.

I've spoken often that our kids need to understand the primary consequences of their actions, which does include hurting their relationships with other people, but that should never be the highest motivation for me to stop doing what

I'm doing and to change. The highest motivation needs to be God's glory. So if we shouldn't do this when people actually do sin, emotionally blackmailing them by motivating them with my will and my desire, to a far greater degree, we had better never emotionally blackmail people when they haven't sinned.

If we believe that someone did something they shouldn't, we should be able to consistently show from the scriptures that what they did was a sin.

Now I'm not talking about redefining terms. If someone biblically rebuked me and I tell them that it's unloving to do that,

I have not only redefined what biblical love is, I'm also conveniently ignored all of the passages where God tells us to speak truth and love, faithfully wound people, rebuke, admonish, reprove, and so on.

And I have to be able to accurately and consistently use the Bible to determine if their choice was actually sinful.

If I dethrone my glory from my life, if I'm seeking to know God and His Word, and if I'm pursuing

God's best interest for the one who sinned against me, I won't even think to use emotional blackmail.

And I definitely won't do that when someone has to say or do something uncomfortable to me because I'm in sin.

So now let's talk about number six, responding biblically to emotional blackmail. Letter A, see it for what it is.

If what you're doing is accurately and consistently shown in the scriptures to be righteous and good, you don't have to take responsibility for someone else's wrong response to it.

People will hate you for standing against abortion. They will hate you for sharing the gospel. They will hate you for speaking truth and love.

They hate God. They will hate you. They will get so angry and choose to feel depressed and anxious, and none of that is your fault.

If Samson had seen the way Delilah was emotionally blackmailing him, he would have never told her about the source of his supernatural power.

Letter B, speak truth in love. How do we respond to emotional blackmail?

We respond to it the exact same way we're to respond to any other sin. We need to reprove the person.

That will involve helping them interpret the situation correctly using the Bible accurately and consistently.

This will likely involve explaining how what you did was actually pleasing to the Lord, if it were.

Of course, please remember that if you're going to claim that something you did or said pleased the Lord, you had better not be purposely or even ignorantly lying about it.

Deal with the log in your own eye first before you address the sliver that's in theirs. I don't really have a good biblical example of this, but this is similar to the situation with Jesus and Martha after Lazarus had died.

She made a very emotional appeal to him when he arrived in Bethany, which makes sense. Her brother just died. She said, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.

It's a little accusatory, but Jesus knew that what she needed the most was to understand the realities of life and faith and to trust him.

In the case of emotional blackmail, if what you did was right and good, then you will have to show them from the

Bible how it pleases the Lord. But you will also probably have to show them at some point that their emotional blackmail is a sin.

But speaking truth and love will also cause us to confess and ask for forgiveness when the person has responded incorrectly to actual sin in our lives.

They may be sinning against you in their emotional blackmail, and you don't have to carry the burden of that, but you do have to carry the burden of your own sin.

Admit to it, submit to the Lord, and repent. So those are the basics of emotional blackmail, what it is, why it's wrong, and how you should never use it.

But hopefully those of you who are the victim of it in your home or work can also be set free by the truth of God's Word.

You are not responsible for people choosing to respond in sinful ways, and in the cases where what you did was

Christ -honoring, you actually were being loving to them. That's why we need to see it for what it is and respond correctly to it by speaking the truth in love for God's greatest glory and for the other person's greatest good.

Please share this episode with your friends so they too can be equipped to biblically respond to emotional blackmail in Christ -honoring ways.

And please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you have any further questions about this topic or need help with an emotional blackmailer in your life.

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I'll see you then. Truth. Love. Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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