TLP 227: How Do You Become an Intentional Parent?

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The whole reason that Jesus came was so that we could, for the first time in our lives, live for something other than ourselves.

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We are intentionally self -serving in everything we do unless we intentionally choose to submit to Him.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, AM Brewster. What is intentionality? What comes first, being intentional or the desire to be intentional?

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It's definitely a cultural buzzword, but why is it so important? We're going to answer those questions and more practical ones like what's the first step to being more intentional in my parenting.

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But before we do that, I'd like to once again invite you to rate, review, or recommend this show. Listen, I know how it works.

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You like something, but it's just not that valuable for you to take the time to leave a rating or review. I get it.

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But remember this, when you rate and review, it enables us to connect with new families much easier. Your reviews on iTunes and your recommendations on Facebook say truckloads more than anything we could ever say about the show.

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So please, in this new year, take a couple minutes to rate us on iTunes, review us on whatever podcast directory you use, and recommend us on Facebook.

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We would greatly appreciate it. Also, I want to thank Mark and Carol for today's episode. Their generous gifts allow

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TLP to offer free, biblically -based parenting resources, and I know that they would invite you to prayerfully consider donating as well.

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Whether it's a one -time gift, an occasional gift, or a monthly gift, God can use your stewardship to multiply our reach and achieve our goals of helping moms and dads all over the world to become intentional, premeditated, disciple -making ambassador parents that God has called and created them to be.

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And there's that word again, intentional. So let's talk about what it means. Okay, so this series is all about first steps to being a newer and better parent this year.

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And we're following a very simple format. First, we talk about the importance of knowing the truth about parenting.

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Second, we must choose to believe what God says is important. Third, we need to commit to getting help.

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And fourth, we need to start making those small changes that will tweak our trajectory and get us moving in the right direction.

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Now we're not taking a lot of time with the first point because these episodes aren't so much about teaching on the subject, but equipping you to become the subject.

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But when I went through our past episodes, which, by the way, are all available to you, I have found that I really haven't been very intentional when it came to teaching about intentionality.

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I know I mention it most episodes, but I know that I've briefly discussed it within the context of another topic, but I didn't really dedicate a bunch of episodes to the topic.

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Why not? Well, let's jump into the first point to answer the question. Number one, we need to learn the truth about intentionality.

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Everything we do, every episode we publish is designed to help you to be more intentional.

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Let me show you what I mean. Intentional means that something is done by intention or design, and intention refers to a determination to act in a certain way.

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Some good synonyms should be purposeful, deliberate, and resolved. The whole idea is that you're doing what you're doing on purpose.

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Now, it can be argued that everything we do, we do on purpose. It's not like I accidentally parented my children that way, but I want us to understand the word intentional as referring to a purposeful choice to parent the way

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God commands. When I call us to be intentional parents, I'm calling us to deliberately exercise our intellects to know the truth and our faith to live the truth.

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It's a thought -out, intelligent, logical acknowledgement that we are purposely going to be who

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God wants us to be. And why is this so important? It's important because we default to self -centeredness.

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We improvise in the flesh. We're all dictator, joker, doormat, or judge parents by nature, and we won't accidentally glorify

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God by parenting in His will. Second Corinthians 515 tells us that Christ died so that we might no longer live for ourselves, but for Him who for our sake died and was raised.

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The whole reason that Jesus came was so that we could, for the first time in our lives, live for something other than ourselves.

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We are intentionally self -serving in everything we do unless we intentionally choose to submit to God.

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This is why I can say that every episode we publish is an exercise in intentionality. As we deliberately exercise our intellects to learn the truth, we must actively exercise our faith to live the truth.

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And that's our twice -weekly challenge to you. However, before we move to the second point, I will point you to four other resources that focus on intentionality a little more than the others.

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The first episode is episode 85, Parenting 100 Miles an Hour. The second is the

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Speed Parenting series, which starts in episode 115. There's also the Communication House in episode 38.

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And we also have a whole group of episodes called the Teach Your Kids To series. I'll include a link in the description of today's show to those episodes as well as all the others

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I cite. Any of those would be a fantastic follow -up to today's lesson. Two more things before we move on.

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Number one, downloading our free episode notes would also be an intentional decision on your part to better learn this information and to share it with your kids.

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And listen, we don't get anything out of it. They're completely free. You can do with them whatever you want. Most of our episodes have them and we're working retroactively to create ones for the earlier episodes and we do all this just so that you can be intentional.

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And number two, because I realized I haven't talked specifically about what the Bible says about intentionality,

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I'm already planning a number of episodes about just that. There's so much in the scripture about purposeful living and I can't wait to talk to you about that in the future.

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All right, number two, we need to decide to believe the truth we've learned about intentionality.

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The chicken came before the egg. That's not a hard question, but which comes first, the choice to be intentional or being intentional?

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Well, technically they're simultaneous. It's kind of like believing something. Unless you're acting on what you know, you don't really believe it to be true.

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The moment I choose to truly believe something, I'm going to act on it. This is why Jesus responded the way

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He did when His disciples asked Him to increase their faith. He simply shared a parable which basically summed up to say, if you want to have more faith, just do what you're supposed to do.

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In the same way, the moment I make the decision to be intentional, I'm already being intentional. So let me simply challenge you to start, and perhaps you already have.

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Perhaps listening to this episode is part of intentionally working on your parenting. Either way, the practical steps we outline later in this episode are going to be the fruit of your intentionality to prove whether or not you really are being intentional.

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If you're not going to do the work, it doesn't really matter how bad you say you want to be an intentional parent.

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And that's why number three, we need to get some help in our desire to be intentional. Our previous episodes outlined some of the reasons we really need to build our community of accountability partners, counselors, friends, and mentors, which are all different ways for basically saying the exact same thing.

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So assuming you already have a relationship like that in your life or that you're working on it, here are some things to discuss with your friend.

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Number one, explain to them your passion to be intentional in your parenting and use the definition I gave you so that you're both on the same page.

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Let your spouse, your disciple, or your mentor know that you want to deliberately exercise your intellect to know the truth and your faith to live the truth.

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Number two, ask them to participate in the two prongs of the definition. Ask them to help you learn the kind of parent

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God has called and commanded you to be, and then ask them to be your accountability as you take actionable steps to live out that truth.

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And number three, work with your accountability partner, counselor, mentor, friend to ask you questions about your parenting.

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Really encourage them to ask you why questions. Why did you tell your daughter that? Why did you respond that way?

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Why did you raise your voice or use that tone of voice? Why did you let your son sign up for that sport?

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This line of questioning is going to require us to have a thought -out, purposely Christ -honoring answer, and if we don't, then we know that decision wasn't intentional, and then you can talk about how to work on that issue.

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Also, don't forget that you can contact us at counselor at truthloveparent .com in order to receive some supplementary guidance and support.

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It's not nearly as good as a friend who's physically present with you and who knows you, but it's amazing if you have nothing else.

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Lastly, you can start being an advocate, mentor, friend for someone else by starting this conversation yourself.

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And one really easy way to do that is to post this episode on social media and ask, who wants to do this with me?

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All right, let's jump into our fourth point, the really practical stuff, and then I have a special bonus for you at the end of the show.

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I completely forgot one really important facet to our last discussion about becoming an ambassador parent.

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So, at the end of this episode, I'm going to spend a number of minutes tacking on some super practical and very necessary steps to help us start being an ambassador parent a little bit better.

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All right, number four, make small changes in your intentionality. What's nice about this particular character trait is that once you decide to be it, you're already being it.

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Choosing to truly believe that God requires you to intentionally parent for Him is being intentional. So, that's step one.

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Resolve to deliberately exercise your intellect to know the truth and your faith to live the truth. And like we said last time, this should involve a conversation with God.

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I encourage you to talk to Him as you would a friend. Let Him know your burden. Let Him know how you've realized that you do not accidentally parent in a way that pleases

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Him. Explain to Him that you've learned that you have to be more purposeful and that you have to know His Word and that you actually will have to live it out when it's uncomfortable or feels unnatural.

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Ask Him to forgive you for the emotion -laden, self -focused, purposeless parenting to which you've grown accustomed.

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And thank Him for the grace and strength He daily provides to accomplish the work to which He's called you.

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And dedicate to have this conversation with God on a regular basis. Number two, determine the facet of your parenting in which you are the least intentional.

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You can do this the same way I encouraged you last time. Ask your spouse, ask your friends, ask your kids. Compile a list of your unintentional parenting.

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What will it look like? Well, it's the knee -jerk parenting. It's the emotional parenting. It's the selfish parenting.

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It's the improvised parenting. The emotional element is going to be a really big giveaway. If you're responding out of anger, fear, disgust, or sadness, then you're not making intelligent, informed, purposeful choices.

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We have a number of episodes about emotions. I'll link a couple of them below and I encourage you to listen to them if you find yourself parenting from your emotions.

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And number three, once you've identified a specific parenting area in which you are regularly unintentional, start developing a plan to address that.

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This is similar to our attack your puny kingdom point last time. Of course, this is also starting to cross over into our next discussion about how to become a premeditated parent.

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But for now, the intentional part is identifying where your parenting falls short of being purposefully

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God -honoring and resolving to learn what God has to say about that subject and choosing to live out that truth in faith.

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And I hope that our podcast and online resources will be valuable to you in this process. If you realize that you have a big problem with anger and you want to intentionally work on that, you can search our site for episodes and notes and resources concerning anger.

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If you realize that you are faster to share your own pithy parenting proverbs than you are to communicate God's word, we have a plethora of shows dedicated to the importance of God's truth in our parenting and how you can build your parenting

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Bibles. If you find that you'd parent the way God commanded you to parent, but you just have a hard time understanding the connection between a specific verse and the practical application in your parenting, then search our episodes for that passage or ask our

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TLP counselors. So number one, resolve to deliberately exercise your intellect to know the truth and your faith to live the truth.

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Number two, determine the facet of your parenting in which you're the least intentional. Three, start developing a plan to address your unintentional parenting.

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And four, bathe yourself in God's word. Remember, intentionality starts with learning what you're supposed to be.

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You need to regularly be in God's word. You need to regularly be in church. You need to regularly be hanging out with your admonishment friends.

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You need to regularly be reading and listening to God honoring content. Surround yourself, envelop yourself, drown yourself in pure, unadulterated,

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God -ordained, biblically faithful preaching, teaching, coaching, writing, singing, and posting.

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This is another good reason you should follow TLP on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest. We'll post a bunch of things designed to drag your thoughts back to godly parenting.

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Our life was created to love God and to glorify Him for all eternity. Our parenting has been ordained to do the same.

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We must seriously upgrade our time with Him in the Bible and in prayer. There's really no way around it.

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You cannot deliberately exercise your intellect to know the truth and your faith to live the truth if you're not in the truth.

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You can't believe what you don't know and you can't be what you haven't learned. Now, I hate that these episodes really aren't inherently scripture -filled.

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Again, this series is about the daily steps you need to take to live out the truth we've already learned or that we're going to learn from the

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Bible. But let me go ahead and ground my fifth point in Luke 14, 28 -33.

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5. If you want to be an intentional parent, you're going to have to count the cost. In chapter 14,

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Luke relates some of Jesus' more powerful teaching. It says, For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?

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Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish it, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, This man began to build and was not able to finish.

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Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able, with ten thousand, to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?

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And if not, while the other is a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So, therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

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If you truly want to become an intentional parent, you need to be aware of what it's going to cost you.

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It's going to cost your own will and way. It's going to cost your fleshly desires.

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It's going to cost you the resources necessary to really know and believe God's word. It's going to cost your unexamined life.

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It's going to cost you the comfort of arm's length and freckle -level friendships. It's going to cost your time.

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It's going to cost all that you have in order to be God's disciple. But it will be infinitely worth it.

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We're trying to build parenting that glorifies the Creator and aligns with His reality. Now, I'm not promising you perfect children.

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I'm promising you parenting that pleases the Lord. I'm promising you peace and joy. We have three series about just this.

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In episode 69, we start the Peaceful Parenting series that explores the beauty of parenting like Christ. In episode 120 and 121, we talk about how you can have joy in your parenting regardless of how your children respond.

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And earlier this year, we talked about how your parenting doesn't have to be in vain. And those links will be in the description of this episode for you.

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And finally, number six, make your commitment visible. Just like last time, consider a way to keep this commitment continually before your eyes.

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Perhaps the word intentional can be placed on your refrigerator. Maybe you could post Luke 14, 28, for which of you desiring to build a tower does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it.

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When you've itemized your personal struggles, find a way to encapsulate the difficulty and the answer into a statement or word that will drive your mind back to the truth you're supposed to be putting into practice in your life.

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Post it on Facebook. Just let your friends know, I'm trying to be a more intentional parent this year.

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So, in conclusion, the first steps to being an intentional parent are relatively simple. They require that we know

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God, know ourselves, and choose to align the second with the first. And Team TLP and I are here to help you do just that.

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Now, if you have to stop and come back to this later, feel free. But I want to take a few minutes to add on to our discussion about the first steps to becoming an ambassador parent, because I just missed something really important.

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Last time we said that the first steps are to one, solidify that you're born again, two, commit your parenting to the

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Lord, three, schedule a time to study what it means to be an ambassador parent, four, make it a priority to attend church, five, attack your puny kingdom, and six, make your commitment visible.

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The piece I'd like to add branches off the attack your puny kingdom step. I can't believe I forgot to apply our discussion of ambassadorial parenting specifically to the dictator, joker, doormat, and judge parents.

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So here's how each of these fleshly parenting styles can take their first steps to becoming ambassadors. By the way, if you don't know what the dictator, joker, doormat, or judge parents are, you really need to listen to episode 26,

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The Fifth Way to Parent. Number one. Okay, for all you dictator parents out there like me, you naturally have high expectations for yourselves and others, but these expectations are not rooted in God and His word.

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They grow from your own desires. The first step you need to take is to humbly remove yourself from the equation.

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Ambassadors have high biblical expectations for self and others. This is going to require us to acknowledge that our parenting has absolutely nothing to do with us and everything to do with God.

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Of course, our biggest temptation is going to be to conflate God's desires with our own. We'll have a tendency to baptize our expectations in biblical jargon, or we'll claim that our sinful annoyance and anger is due to God's will not being lived out in your home.

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But when we remove ourselves from the equation, it allows our parenting to focus completely on God and His expectations.

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Number two. Joker parents, this part is for you. Your tendency is to have low expectations for yourself and for your kids.

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What's the first step? Well, it's identical to the dictator parent. Get yourself out of the way.

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This is about God. It doesn't really matter what we want. I know you feel more comfortable living and letting live.

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I know you like to let go and let God. I know it's easy to turn a blind eye and make a casual observation that your child is in a phase and will grow out of it, but that's not the way

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God has called you to parent. You have been commissioned by God to challenge, rebuke, correct, counsel, admonish, reprove, train, teach, edify, and encourage your children in His truth.

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This is not a laid back spectator sport. Your biggest temptation is to not want to get up and address the issues until they finally come to a place where they just simply annoy you too much.

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So resolve instead to revolve your priorities to match God's. If His word says it, you're going to do it.

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Number three, doormat parents, it's your turn. Your fleshly parenting style is to have high expectations for self, but low expectations for others.

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You're the one to work yourself to the bone and either ignore and justify the fact that your family is not doing as they should.

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Perhaps you'll tell yourself that they're not mature enough or that it'll just be easier for everyone if you do it yourself, but your struggle is going to be a mix of the dictator and the joker.

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On one side, your workaholic tendencies are rooted in your own philosophies of life and not God's. Either that or your desires seem to be biblically based, but your motivation is selfish and your temptation regarding your family is to not expect enough from them.

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Your first step is going to be identical to the first two. Get out of the way.

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Why you parent and how you parent needs to be born from true obedience. You need to do the right things in the right ways for the right reasons in the right power.

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If you're not, then you're not truly obeying. You also need to acknowledge that your family also needs to do the right things in the right ways for the right reasons and the right power, and if they're not, you need to help them submit to truth and obey the way

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God requires. Sure, that may mean that you need to teach them five times in a row how to make their beds.

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That's okay. That's what God wants. Number four, and lastly, but not leastly, judge parents.

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This category is typically the largest. In fact, the easiest fleshly parenting style to which the other three styles tend to slide is the judge.

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We all struggle with this. This is the one style that Jesus targets the most because it really is humanity's natural tendency.

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We expect little of ourselves while expecting much from others. Get out of the way of your parenting.

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It's not about you. It doesn't matter what's comfortable, what feels right, or what is culturally expected.

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We must submit to God's high biblical expectations just as much as our kids must. You have to get on yourself concerning God's desires as much as you're tempted to get on your kids concerning your desires.

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And when it comes time to address your children's shortcomings, you need to tie it back to God and His word and not your own inconvenience or philosophies.

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All four of the fleshly parenting styles need to sacrifice their way on the altar of God's way.

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But the practical outworking of that is going to look a little different in each. But again, this is why Truth, Love, Parent exists.

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Our highest goal is to glorify God by helping you become the intentional ambassador parent God called and created you to be.

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And He also wants you to be premeditated. So to that end, I'll see you next time. Truth, Love, Parent is part of the

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Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.