Raising the Bar Part 2 - Wives (f.b.c. in Killen, Al) — Paul Washer

We'll just go ahead and get started. Try. Try to get started. I heard some absolutely amazing stories during our fellowship break. You know, there are certain stories that you will only hear in the state of Alabama.

You will not hear stories like that any other place in the world, I can assure you. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Let this man take your children out anywhere. He already knows that. No, because I think he would probably act more like a boy than they do.

I hear some funny stories. I've never met a man that's been shot in the head with an arrow that was using a RC cap as a broad point. Still stuck in his head. The problem is you can't tell these stories outside the state of Alabama because no one would believe you.

I've always said, though, there has to be something good about the South if Hollywood hates it so much. It's indeed a pleasure, again, to be here, but it's a pleasure also to look at the concern on your faces.

The Need to Return to Scripture

I honestly believe a large group of men, Christians, all over this country, we're kind of at a stage where we don't know exactly what's right, but we know something's wrong. And it's not just in the area of family or manhood or children.

It's in the area of everything. And that's a good place to be. The dangerous place to be is that satisfied, we're okay place. Everything's all right. But I want to tell you something. God is doing some amazing things in this land, shaking up churches and shaking up men and shaking up families.

And like I said, we're kind of at that point where, you know, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing or how church is supposed to be or how family is supposed to be, but I know this. There's something we're missing.

Something we're not doing or something that we're doing we shouldn't be doing and we need to get back to Scripture. If a group of men like yourself will just make a commitment that if it's in the Bible, we're going to seek to do it, that's a good place to be.

Is it in Scripture? Then we're going to seek to do it. And that goes along with the families. Now, when I'm teaching on missions, one of the things that I always teach is that missions is not about sending missionaries.

Missions is about sending truth through missionaries. You can send out all the missionaries in the world, but they may be just baptized Peace Corps workers. What we need is truth. What the church needs today is truth.

It doesn't need eloquent speakers necessarily. It doesn't necessarily need gifted leadership. It needs truth. Just the plain, simple communication of truth. That's what your wife needs. That's what your wife needs.

That's what your children need. The truth is all we have. And the truth is only found in one book. I think one of the greatest problems in Christianity today is this. Although for the most part, our denomination, other groups, other denominations have come to believe that the Bible is infallible.

And that's wonderful. But that's not good enough. It's not good enough. It's not just that the Bible is infallible. The next question we have to ask ourselves is, is it sufficient? Everything that we need to grow in godliness and be the men before God that we ought to be, is it found in the Bible?

It most certainly is. Everything a pastor needs is found in the Bible. Everything a father and a husband needs is found in Scripture. It is inspired. It is the infallible Word of God. And it will well equip the man of God for every good work.

But we have to take it seriously. We have to listen to it. It's not poetry. Even though it uses poetry. It's not just to elate our souls. Or to feed on it. Or to do it. It's like the preacher who's up there preaching in a small church.

And he can see all the way back to the back door in the small foyer. Just a little country church. And he's preaching in the middle of the sermon. A man walks in the back and begins to steal all the coats off the coat rack.

And the preacher says, there's a man. He just walked in the back door and he's stealing all the coats. And everyone in the congregation, Amen. No, there's a man who's stealing all the coats. Someone needs to do something.

Amen. After his service, they all go back. The coats are all gone. And they said, our coats are gone. He said, I told you they were gone. I told you we had to do something. They said, we just thought you were preaching.

That when you preach, I don't have to respond. I don't have to obey. I heard of one preacher who stood up and he just had grown tired. I mean, his church was pretty much successful. Everyone, they were asking him to go around and speak in conferences and things like that.

And one night, it seemed like the Lord just visited him and seemed to lay on his heart that what he'd done just wasn't pleasing. That the church was built on false foundations. And God began to deal with his heart.

And he got up one Sunday to preach. And the Lord had laid something on his heart. And so he goes to church. The music minister gets up there and starts leading the worship. And it was powerful. And then the worship leader said, and now our pastor's going to come with the Word of God.

The pastor walked up and he said, love one another as Christ loved you. And sat down. Music minister jumped up and said, well, after that introduction, we're going to have another song and then the pastor's going to come and preach.

And they had another song. And then he finished it. Pastor, now come. And pastor stood up there and said, love one another as Christ loved you. Sat down. He did that for a few weeks. Same thing. That's it.

Sunday morning, Sunday night. And he said, after several weeks, he said that. And a deacon on the front row turned around to a deacon on the row behind him and says, you know, I think I figured out what he's trying to tell us.

We need to love one another. And they started serving one another and helping one another and visiting one another. You see, when my dad told me to go bush hog a certain field, it wasn't, as David Miller says, it wasn't rocket surgery.

It was just, you know, put the PTO on, hook the bush hog up and go mow the field. It's a diesel tractor, so make sure you strain the fuel before it goes in. There wasn't just go do it. You know, we make Scripture so complicated, don't we?

You know, there's a sense that, you know, I'm big about preaching. We need theology and we need truth, and we do. But there's another sense in which we've already got more truth than we'll ever live out.

And I think we just need to go back to saying, look, am I obeying? Now, let's go to, first of all, Ephesians, and then I'm going to go to the passage that I spoke about. I'm going to try to cover a lot of ground here.

Marriage as God's Instrument of Sanctification

I want to talk about your relationship with your wife, and actually another text that's brought to mind before we go to Ephesians. Just run over to Romans 8 real quick. Romans 8, 28, and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren. What is the purpose of marriage? A lot of books today will tell you, you know, Christian books, the purpose of marriage, a little bit of heaven on earth, you know.

So many things they tell us. Let me tell you the primary purpose of marriage. The primary purpose of marriage just happens to be the primary purpose of absolutely everything else, your conformity to Jesus Christ.

A lot of people talk about the sovereignty of God today, about the sovereignty of God and salvation and all that. That's good, but what bothers me is I think that we ought to talk about the sovereignty of God in the rest of our life.

And what do I mean? Now, I know that humans make decisions, and I know that men make choices, and I know they're real choices, and I know that men can make good choices and bad choices. I believe that.

I don't understand it all. But I also believe God's sovereign. And in the lives of His people, even before their conversion, He's sovereign. And He's working. And He works everything together for the good, for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

Now, why do I say that? Your marriage has to be based on that fact. It has to be based on the fact God is sovereign. And He has been sovereign in your marriage. Because so many people today don't believe that, so they think that somehow they can get a loophole out of their marriage because they just made the wrong choice.

A young couple came to a dear friend of mine out in Texas, who's got quite a wit about him, and they came to the pastor and they said, Pastor, we've decided it wasn't God's will when we got married. And he said, well, maybe it wasn't God's will then, but it's God's will now.

Listen, life and God's work is not about you getting your best life now, even though a man who does the will of God will find his best life possible. But it's not about you getting your best life now.

What it's about, it's about you being conformed to the image of Christ. You go talk to a brother, a dear friend of mine, who coming back from the mission feel his wife and two children were going to pick him up at the airport.

When he arrived, someone else met him at the airport because his wife was killed on the way. You go tell him that it's all about his best life now. You go tell a man whose body is screaming at him with pain every time he moves and tell him it's all about his best life now.

You talk to a man who has married a very, very difficult woman or a woman who's married a very, very difficult man that's literally put her life through hell and tell her it's all about her best life now.

Or come to her with something stronger. Come to your own self with something stronger. God is sovereign in my life. And no matter what is going on, there's a purpose in it and God is using it for the greatest good and that is to conform me to the image of Christ.

Now, marriage is just like a calling. It is a calling. It's not only a calling, but the basis of it is a calling. My marriage, the rock foundation of my marriage is this. God has called Paul Washer with an irrevocable calling to lay down his life for a daughter of his named Charo.

That's it. That's the foundation. God has called me to lay down my life for a certain daughter of his. That's it. That's the basis of my marriage. Now, you've heard the stories. They don't tell them as much anymore as they used to about, you know, that man was called to preach and he's just walked away from the Pope and he's not preaching.

God's going to kill him. You can't deny your calling. Once you've been called to preach, you don't preach, God will kill you. We always hear those stories. Well, I don't know if God will kill him, but I know he'd enter into a time of discipline, that's for sure.

But I know this. What makes you think that your calling is any different? You have been called to be a steward of a daughter. God's daughter. Let's say you worked for my company and you were a young salesman and you were the worst thing that ever hit my company.

I'm probably going to have pity on you, even though you're the worst worker I've ever had, and try to bring you along a little bit. I'm not going to fire you right off the bat. But if you were married to my daughter, and you were the best salesman in my company, 90 of all the income came from you, and you were married to my daughter, and I found out you were mistreating my daughter, I wouldn't care how much my company depended on you.

Don't think that your ministry is that important. Don't think that even what you do in the church is this overarching instrument or means by which God is going to judge you. Think about this. If a man worked for you and didn't do a good job, you'd have pretty much mercy on him, wouldn't you?

If he mistreated your daughter, well, just realize something. The woman you're married to is somebody's daughter, and that somebody is God, and He loves her with a zeal and a passion that we cannot understand.

Pity the man who touches God's daughter. God has entrusted you with a daughter, and it doesn't matter how good she is or how difficult she is. It doesn't matter anything. He has entrusted you with a daughter, and no selfish, self-centered excuse is going to wash.

He's given you a daughter. He has sovereignly given you His daughter, and He expects you to do what He commands you to do with regard to His daughter, and that is lay down your life for her. But here's the thing that I want you to understand.

You know all these dating services that find you a mate that's compatible? I can tell you right now they're not God's will. Why? Because for the most part it's not God's will to give you a mate that's compatible.

You feel better now about your marriage, don't you? You're going, whoa, this is a revelation. You're this whole time. I thought I would... No. It's not God's will. By and large. God will give you a mate that is strong in all the areas where she must be strong so that you are not tempted beyond what you can bear.

I can say the same thing for her. But God has also given you a mate where He has carefully orchestrated, sovereignly been over her weaknesses. He has given you a woman who is weak in many of the areas where you most want her to be strong.

Now think about this. God has specifically given you a woman that is weak and lacking in many of the areas where you most wanted her not to be weak and lacking. I don't know about you, but this is a great comfort.

Now why has He done that? To conform you to the image of Christ. Now when we talk about being conformed to the image of Christ, when you think about Jesus Christ, what are the characteristics that most just pop into your head?

What are the ones we sing about? I mean, we don't sing a whole lot about the wrath of Jesus, even though He does have wrath, the wrath of the Lamb. We don't sing a whole lot about these things. What do we sing about?

We sing about His unconditional love, His mercy, His compassion, His pity, His grace, don't we? Those are the things that just stand out, and they ought to. Don't think you're wrong. They ought to stand out.

Alright, so you becoming like Christ doesn't mean just that you dot all the i's and cross all the t's. It means that you reflect these things that He most reflects. Now, let me ask you a question. How can you ever learn unconditional love if you're married to a wife who meets all the conditions?

If you were married to a woman that met every condition that your selfish heart put forward, would you ever learn unconditional love? If you were married to a perfect woman, would you ever learn mercy?

Would you ever learn grace? No! Don't you see? God's wisdom is so much greater than ours. The only question you have to ask yourself is what do you want? Do you want what God wants, which is to be made conformed to the image of Christ, or do you want what the worldly man wants?

A woman that's five foot ten, weighs six pounds, and has a six-figure salary. What do you want? The perfect woman, the trophy wife, this, that. What do you want? If your heart is right, you want to be conformed to the image of Christ.

And so, in these things that the world tells you, your marriage might not be right because there's so much incompatibility. You're not compatible. Your wife doesn't like to do some of the things you like to do.

Your wife's personality is different than yours. Your wife may be difficult, almost as difficult as you, and back and forward, and you're wondering, is my marriage even God's will? Have I been stuck with some kind of a thing that really doesn't work for me?

Like other guys who get better marriages, and me, I've just got the short end of the stick. Well, if you're thinking that way, I can guarantee it's your wife that got the short end of the stick. But what you need to see is, no, this has been perfectly orchestrated.

God knows exactly what you need to be conformed to His image. Now, I don't like talking this way because it kind of lends to the fact that we're these really superior guys who God is working in, and so He gives us a wife that has some problems.

But if I was teaching the women, I'd be saying the same thing, don't you see? She has also been given a man who is strong in the areas where he must be strong, that she's not tempted beyond what she can bear, but whose weaknesses are also sovereignly orchestrated, that she might learn to love as Christ loves.

This is wonderful, though, because it shows us that our marriages are right. And it gives meaning, not only in those wonderful times when we're just walking together in perfect harmony, but when there's conflict, and when there's problems, and when we feel like, man, there's so much strife, it lets us know this is iron, sharpening iron.

And God, revealing to us the selfishness of our heart as men, and He's calling us to repent. And when we rail against our wife, when we have problems with the woman that God has given us, we are not railing against His daughter, we're railing against Him.

I don't like what you've done, you see? Marriage, its purpose, if you just see its purpose, it becomes so strong. Also, if you know that marriage is a calling, then if my wife... See, here's the thing, let me put it this way.

Young men will come to me and they say, you know, I'm in love with this girl and I want to marry her. And I say, well, tell me about it. And they say, well, you know, I just love being around her, and she's just so beautiful, and we can talk, and together I feel so good, and I just want to marry her.

And so I always say, okay, let me see if I understand you. You want to marry this girl because she meets all your selfish, self-centered needs. Is that what you're telling me? And they go, no, that's not what I mean.

That's exactly what you're saying. You want to marry her because she's beautiful. What happens when she's not beautiful anymore? What happens when someone comes around that's more beautiful than she is?

And they will. You say that you can really talk with her, so you want to marry her. What happens when you can't talk to her? Or what happens when someone comes around you can talk to a lot better than you can your own wife?

Where are you going? You feel good around her. What happens when you don't feel good around her? You feel better around someone else. You see, those are not basis for marriage. The basis for marriage is God has sovereignly called me to lay down His life for His daughter.

You see, guys, we have this mindset that it's all about us getting our felt needs met. And so we spend our lives chasing to selfishly feed ourselves. But it is surrendering to the will of God. And in that, finding joy.

Now, again, realize, I said this is the basis of marriage. It's the foundation of it. But it doesn't mean that that's all marriage is. I mean, marriage just isn't iron sharpening iron. You're filled with the Holy Spirit and walking with God, you're going to have wonderful blessed times with your wife.

You're going to realize that she's a great gift from God. But the point that I'm trying to get across is the foundation is the calling and the purpose. So, if she's beautiful, glory to God. If she's in an accident and tragically deformed, I'm not going anywhere.

As a matter of fact, I'm more committed now than ever because she needs me more. If she's easy to get along with, praise the Lord. And if she's not, there's purpose even in this battle that I'm going through.

It's all about being conformed to the image of Christ. And what was Christ? The servant of God. The steward of God. And that's what marriage is about. Now, one of the purposes. We talked about that the man is to dedicate himself to this kingdom principle, to go out and subdue the world, that God's name would be hallowed, that the kingdom would come, that God's will would be done.

But where does it start? It doesn't start in a man's discipleship group. It doesn't start necessarily in a congregation. If you're a man and you're married, it starts with you and your wife. If I'm sitting on a plane, and I often do, and someone asks me, What do you do?

I love it when they ask me that question. Because I really don't know what I do. They say, What do you do? I say, Oh, I'm a husband. And they go, No, I mean, what else do you do? I'm a father. Well, yeah, but what else do you do?

If I have any time left over, I'm a minister. Where does my obedience begin? If I'm a single guy and I don't have a wife, it can begin in all sorts of places. But it begins with my wife. That's where it begins.

I think a good question for anyone who maybe wants to serve in the church or teach in the church or be a deacon or a pastor is one of the questions and accountability things that ought to always be brought up is, Are you caring for your wife?

Are you teaching your wife? Are you discipling your wife? Because if not, you don't qualify. You just don't qualify. Then it goes on, Are you teaching your children? I love it when a church has, let's say, 100 families in it, and someone asks the pastor, How many staff do you have in the youth ministry?

And the pastor says, 200. 200 on staff. What do you mean 200? That's a big church. No, 200. We have 100 families. 200, counting fathers and mothers. They're our youth ministry. They're our staff. They're our youth directors.

How many women teachers do you have? Well, we have 100 wives in a perfect situation. Well, we have 100 husbands. They're the primary ones obligated to teach their wives, not just some woman. The husband.

Christlike Headship and Sacrificial Leadership

Now, let's look at Ephesians 5. It says in 22, Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

Now, we see two things here in this leadership model. We see, first of all, that the husband is the head. You know, where the head goes, the rest of the body goes. The head makes the decisions for the rest of the body.

The head is the leader. The head is the catalyst, the initiator. And in a sense, we're to be all those things. Now, this does not mean that I make decisions independently of my wife. Let me just put it in this, just a brief scenario.

If we have to make a decision that affects our entire family, I'm not going to make it without talking to my wife. Now, if I talk to my wife and we're not in agreement, that's immediately a red flag for me.

Because I trust also the sovereignty of God and the woman that He's given me. I've seen her life. I know she's godly. So, if my wife's not in agreement, that's a red flag for me. And if possible, what I'm going to do is I'm going to wait on making that decision.

I'm going to pray with her. We're going to go over it. And I'm going to stall as long as I can until there's some unity. Why? I really respect the woman. And I'm going to wait until there's unity. But let's say that a decision finally has to be made and she's still not in agreement.

It's my responsibility to make that decision. After doing everything I can do. But if I'm pressed into a corner and the decision has to be made, it's my job to lead. Now, if I make the right decision, I don't come back to her and flaunt that right decision.

And if I make a wrong decision, she does not come to me and nag because she's realizing how difficult it is to be a man and to make these difficult decisions. So, when I talk about leadership, I'm not talking about the model of the Roman Empire.

I'm talking about the model of Jesus Christ. He leads. He leads. But oh, what a compassionate, loving, gentle leader. What a leader, so concerned with knowing what's in our heart. So concerned with us.

So, when we talk about headship, the problem here is only when we confuse the two kingdoms. When we talk about being a leader like the Roman Empire, like the Caesars and the men of great power who had teeth of iron and trampled on people, that's not the model of Jesus Christ, but meek and lowly, binding himself with a towel.

Knowing that he had all authority, knowing where he came from and where he was going, he girded himself with a towel and he served. You use your authority not for your own benefit, but as an open door to greater sacrifice for the benefit of your wife and your children.

You make decisions for the advancement of the kingdom of God and the benefit of your wife and your children, no matter how much it's going to cost you. You don't make them for yourself. You don't. You don't.

The advancement of the kingdom and the benefit of your wife and children. Now, he says here, not only headship, but look what he says. He himself, in verse 23, being the Savior of the body, there is a real sense in which the husband should be the Savior of his wife.

Or let's put it, Savior in a... not in capital letters, but in small letters. We know that Jesus Christ is the Savior. But we know that when it talks about Jesus as the Savior, He has saved us in the past tense from the condemnation of sin, and He is saving us right now from the power of sin and sanctifying us, and one day He will save us entirely when we are glorified with Him in heaven.

Alright? You, in a sense, are to be, in a sense, a Savior of your wife. Her life, because of you, should be more godly, should be more joyful, should be more prosperous. That the work of salvation is advancing in her life, and it is advancing at a much greater pace because God is using you as an instrument.

You're not an obstacle to the saving work of God in her, but you're an instrument. She's becoming more whole, more complete, more beautiful, more assured in Christ, because of her life with you. Do you see that?

Whoa, that's big, guys. Yeah, we hear these testimonies, men getting up and say, you know, I am so fragmented and broken. Jesus made me whole. Could your wife say that she's becoming more whole because of her relationship to you?

She's more complete. She's more like Christ. And let's not forget, the fruit of the Spirit is love and joy. There's more joy. She's just freer. She's more secure, not in her self-esteem, but in the love of Christ and in the love of her husband.

Do you see? We're to work. Now this is not something that just kind of happens. But you're to work. You're to work at being a leader. How can you be a leader unless you know God's will? Because the only road map is God's will, His Word.

So in order to properly direct your wife, in order to properly be a head, you have to saturate your life in the Word of God. And in order to be an instrument of salvation, you yourself must be constantly conformed more and more to the image of Christ.

Do you see? This is big stuff, guys. This will take up a lot of time. A lot of time. Now, let me stop here. Let's not make this mistake that I've been hearing lately. I hear men who really start taking their family seriously.

And then they say, I'm taking my family seriously and I just don't have as much time for church. But here's my problem. They still have time for golf. They still have time for all their extracurricular activities.

Why is it that church is always the first thing that goes? In the book of Acts, they were meeting almost every day. Now, I know that isn't necessarily the standard, but what I'm saying is this. There's always these extremes.

I know men who are all about the church and they neglect their family. I know men now, because people have become more concerned about family, who've dedicated themselves to discipling their wife and their children and they've totally abandoned the church.

Both of these are wrong and they're unnecessary. We have a function. We have commands with regard to our wives and our children. We must obey them. We have commands with regard to the community of faith and we must obey them.

And the will of God is perfect, which means you don't have to neglect one aspect of His will to fulfill another aspect of His will. You can do everything He wants you to do. If you cut something out of your life, the last two things to cut out of your life is time with your family and time with the people of God.

If you have to cut things out, cut everything else out. But you won't have to. You won't have to. Now, he goes on, and he says in verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

Love Expressed Through Respect, Affection, and Service

Now, notice here that he doesn't tell or command women to love their husbands, even though we know that they should. That's not the emphasis. What does he say? The women should submit to their husbands and respect their husbands.

But it says the husbands should love their wives. Now, what's going on here? What's going on here is the wisdom of God who knows us better than we know ourselves. Guys, I don't know about you, but I do not need my wife calling me three times a day telling me that she loves me.

I don't need her sending flowers to the office telling me that she loves me. I just don't need that. I don't. But she does. What do I need? I need her respect. I need her honor. If the whole world comes against me, they've got signs out there, down with Paul.

I wake up in the morning, the whole yard is filled up with people who hate me. That's not going to mess me up that bad. But if I know my wife doesn't respect me and doesn't honor me, that's something a man cannot bear.

As a matter of fact, your wives need to be taught that the greatest thing they can do to promote your godliness is to honor and respect you, even when you don't deserve it. But see, your wives aren't like you.

They need not only your love, they need it affirmed, they need it told to them, they need it repeated. Don't come to me with these spiritual things. Oh man, I just need to be in God's Word and I need to hear every day how much He loves me.

Well, good. So does your wife. She needs to hear it from you. Well, my wife knows I love her and I'm just not that kind of guy. I know you're not. Repent and change. It's that easy, isn't it? Just repent.

You know, that's what this whole thing's about. Repent. R-E-P. Now, also, she's not like you. You know, I gut a deer and all the guts. Look at that design. It looks kind of like the state of Minnesota.

She doesn't get excited about stuff like that. I don't get excited about going to the mall. As a matter of fact, last time I went to the mall, I bumped into a church member and I went like this. I put up a frame in front of my face and I said, you know what this is?

And they said, what? A picture of Paul Washer in hell. I don't like going to the mall. My wife stops and she sees something there with clothes and stuff and I don't know what it is about my right leg.

My right leg just starts going like this and starts trying to get out of the store. But I've got to bring that right leg into submission and realize, my wife likes this. I've given her five dollars. I've told her not to spend it all in one place.

She is in there. She's in there for five hours looking at something she knows she can't buy. I don't understand that. This is what she wants to do. And it's okay. At least in part. The question is not, what do I like to do?

The question is, dying to myself, what does she want to do? How can I bless her? How can I lead her? How can I just, for no apparent reason, demonstrate, she needs that love. She needs to hear it. She needs to hear, I love you.

Now let me just throw this in. Just really quick. There's a few young guys in here, but the only time you hug and kiss your wife is either before or after sex. I want you to know, you make your wife feel cheap.

I just want you to know, that's the way she feels. She needs you to hold her hand. She needs you to hug her. She needs you to be intimate with her without having sex, too. Is that all it is, is a prelude to something?

Do you see what I mean, men? You say, well, I don't need that. I know you don't. And I'm glad you don't. But she does. She does. She needs that. There is a sense, and the feminists who hear this tape are going to become very, very mad, but there is a sense she was made for you.

She desires you. She wants your attention in a way that you can't really understand. That's what compassion is about. That's what thinking and putting her first is about. Do you see that? You're to love her.

You're commanded to love her. Now, how? Husbands, love your wife just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Now, here's where we're really going to learn something. Now we're running out of time.