TPW 92 Husbands Let Us Raise The Bar

Welcome to the Protestant Witness, this is Pastor Patrick Hines, and I'd like to post the sermon that I preached on marriage this past Sunday night on Ephesians chapter 5, verses 21 to 33. Critically important passage, my heart was on fire for this one, and I think that husbands in particular, so much of what is wrong in our society and our culture today can trace its way back at some point or another to fathers not being covenantally faithful to their wife and to their children and their home.

So I hope that if you're married, or one day will be married, that you will listen very carefully to what the word of God says here in Ephesians 5, 21 to 33, and that this will convict you, if you are married, to love your wife better than you do, and to take that sacred trust very, very seriously.

All of us who are married need to do better as husbands, and we need to do better as fathers if we have children, and we need to be leaders in this regard. And so much of the future of our country and of the church is going to depend on fathers and their faithfulness, because tomorrow's elders, deacons, and church leaders, they are right now in the incubators of their homes, and they will very much be the byproduct of the spiritual vitality of their fathers.

So much falls back on dads and their faithfulness, or lack thereof, to their wife and to their homes, and so I hope that this passage of scripture will pierce your heart, and that it will become part of your fabric as a human being, and that you will love your wife as Christ loved the church, and that you will take these things to heart.

And if you're a wife, that you will encourage your husband to do better. If you're a single woman, that you will not settle for a man who's not going to lead and is not going to do what's right, and that you will not, out of fear, settle for someone less than godly.

So this is a great passage for our time. Marriage is collapsing, it's falling apart, the church is not doing that well with us, and so I hope that you will take these things to heart and be encouraged by them.

Marriage, Fatherhood, and the Need for Faithfulness

Good evening.

Please take your Bibles and turn to Ephesians chapter 5, verses 21 through 33. Still just on the first couple of points of the Westminster Confession of Marriage, I wanted to address this great text of scripture, verse by verse, as there is much for our instruction.

Here.

Ephesians 5, beginning at verse 21 through verse 33. This is God's Word. And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body.

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. May God bless the reading of his word.

Let's pray, please.

Father, we thank you for the blessed institution of marriage, and those of us who are married or will one day be married. We pray that you would help us to see it as a great calling, a great blessing, and a great challenge to be like Jesus, especially us as husbands.

We pray also for the women here among us who are married or one day will be married, that they would do as this passage commands them and respect their husband, to admire, to help,.

To encourage him.

And we pray, Lord, that this passage would speak to our hearts, convict us, challenge.

Us, and change us. We pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Marriage Before and After the Fall

It's remarkable to consider that marriage predates the fall of mankind into sin. Adam and Eve for a time, we don't know how long, but they had a perfect marriage relationship. We often rightly speak of marriage as being hard work, and it certainly is that.

But for Adam and Eve before the fall, nothing was hard at all. Their communication, their marriage was perfect. Their love for one another was perfect. There was no shame, no secrets, no disagreements about anything, ever.

Marriage was created by God to be a great blessing and a source of great joy and peace and comfort, companionship, and an antidote to loneliness. When Adam and Eve sinned and felt fear and shame for the very first time in their lives, there was not only alienation between them and God, there was alienation from each other.

Listen to that tragic verse in Genesis 3 .8. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of.

The garden.

Commentators of that verse have pointed out that the text doesn't say that they hid themselves, but rather Adam and his wife hid themselves. Not they hid themselves, but each as individuals. It's almost like they were so afraid that God was coming toward them that it was every person for themselves.

You hide over there and I'll go hide somewhere else. Marriage must never be that way, however. It is both always for the other. It's always us together. We know the rest of the story in Genesis. We covered it in our men's Bible study of the complete husband.

They point fingers and blame others for their sins when God confronts them. Adam says to God, the woman you gave me, he blames her and God. That woman you gave me, she gave me of the tree and I ate. And Eve, of course, blames the serpent.

The serpent deceived me and I ate. Alienation and selfishness due to sin. These are the things that make marriage hard work now. Two inherently self-centered, sinful people get married now and conflict is inevitable.

Because of this, there's a lot of instruction in God's word about the way that marriage is to be done. Husbands have distinct roles and duties. Wives have distinct roles and duties. And our sin makes the fulfilling of those roles very difficult.

But what we really want if we're married is to be as close to what marriage was designed to be as we can possibly be. And Ephesians 5, 21 to 33 is perpetually relevant to marriage. It's every phrase speaks directly to the heart of what we must labor and work hard to be and do if marriage is to be a blessing to us and others and not a curse.

So I've divided this passage into three headings. Number one, wives, submit to your own husbands. And number two, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. And then three, marriage defined husbands' love and wives' respect.

Submission, Self-Denial, and Wives Under Headship

So look at verse 21 there in your Bible, Ephesians chapter 5. Submitting to one another in the fear of God or the fear of Christ. There are few things more difficult for human beings in general than submission.

Think about it. What are we by nature since the fall happened?

We're rebels.

We're rebels.

Authority is something we don't like anymore. We despise it. God created us. God entered into a covenant of obedience with us. But rebels prefer disobedience. God's our creator. He's our lawgiver. He makes the rules for what we're to do and not to do with ourselves.

We as sinful rebels prefer self-determination. Do what you want is the creed of man as a rebel. Yet as Christians, our Lord taught us to pray. Every time we pray, thy kingdom come, your will be done.

When Jesus was on the ground praying in agony in the garden of Gethsemane, he prayed, not my will, but yours be done. And so self-denial is the very heart of Christian discipleship in general. And it's also the heart of Christian marriage as well.

If there's ever been a generation that has more to learn about self-denial than our own, I've certainly never heard of it. The gay revolution and everything going on in the PCA related to it is an absolute and comprehensive denial of what Jesus taught us concerning taking up one's cross and dying to ourselves.

If anyone would come after me, Jesus said, if anyone would, let him take up his cross, deny himself, and come and follow me. Yes, setting aside your wants, your desires, and your needs for the sake of others.

That's what we're called to do. Setting aside sinful desires for obeying the Lord of glory is what Christ calls us to. That's the life we're called to. And as a general principle of application among the people of God, we defer to one another.

We prefer others over ourselves. We give place to those around us ahead of ourselves. I can think of nothing where this is more relevant than marriage. You give, you love, you put yourself aside, you stay committed, you shun all occasions of infidelity in your mind, heart, and body.

You deny yourself and you love with vulnerability and complete abandon. Because that's how God in Christ has loved you. We go to verse 22. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. As I've done premarital counseling over the years, I've applied this passage of God's word by saying that in marriage, the vast majority of your decisions will be joint decisions about which there will be full agreement between the husband and the wife.

And men, here is one of the keys to this working well. The husband ought to defer to his wife and do what she likes as much as possible. Do what she wants to do short of sin. If the husband does not listen carefully to his wife, does not take into consideration her wisdom, her insights and preferences, he's not being a good husband to her.

She is required, however, to submit to his final decisions. On what ought to be those rare occasions when there is an impasse on an important matter and the husband is forced to make a call, to make a decision, she is required to submit to his decision as long as she's not being asked to sin against God.

Notice that it says that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. There's no such thing as a godly wife who does not submit to her husband. She must recognize that he is the head and leader of the family, that he makes the final decisions when there is a disagreement.

This is why unmarried women must not settle for someone less than godly out of fear of being alone. You submit to him as to the Lord himself. You don't want to have to do that for a man who's not godly, who's not Christ-like, who doesn't follow Jesus.

Look at verse 23. 4. The husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. The very same hierarchical arrangement that exists between Jesus and his church is to be mirrored in husband and wife relations.

Jesus is the head of the church. The church is to submit to Jesus's will and obey him. In the same way, the husband is the head of his wife. The Word of God here clearly establishes that the husband and the wife are not equal to one another in terms of their authority in the home.

The husband is the authority over his wife and she is to submit to that authority. And the rest of verse 23 says, and he is the savior of the body, speaking about Jesus and his church. The pronoun he is most likely referring to Christ in that phrase there.

Some think it's referring to the husband, but the application is the same either way. Verses 22 and 23 are pretty well detested by the world of unbelief and godlessness all around you. Feminists, pardon me, hate even the sound of such words as submission, headship, obedience, etc.

When it comes to their relationships to men, the feminist world around us does not like this passage, does not like what it says. But the key to all of this talk about the wife's submission to her husband's headship over her, is that if this husband is a godly man, the wife would not want it any other way.

She submits to her husband as to the Lord, it says. Because just as it is her great joy to submit to Jesus, it ought to be her great joy to submit to that man whose love for her knows no bounds. Who lays his life down for her, who defers to her, who studies her, pursues her, and does everything he can think of to make her happy all the time.

This text of scripture is wonderful to the woman who is well-loved, cherished, studied, and known by her husband's relentless pursuit of her. Could it be that perhaps one of the reasons that the feminist push in our society is as strong as it is, is because men aren't like this?

Men aren't worth following anymore. The woman who is secure, who is happy, who is nourished by a man who finds doing this his great joy and delight in life, is loving his wife because he desires and longs to love her in the same way that Jesus has loved him.

That woman reads Ephesians 5, 22 and 23, and her heart is filled with joy. Look at those verses again. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. See, the godly woman who has a godly husband that loves her, passionately pursues her, she hears that and says, Amen, it's my great joy to do so.

Verse 23, the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. Yes, indeed, he is the head of my family, and I submit to him and it's my great joy to do so. Her husband is a walking embodiment of the gospel in her home, and she is like the church to Jesus Christ in her husband's eyes.

You see how glorious that is? If it's done well, if it's taken seriously by the husband, it can be a wonderful thing, a blessing, a huge delight, these two verses. We ought to labor to make them verses of scripture that our culture loves again.

What a joy, what a blessed institution, what an unspeakable wonder that we husbands are so privileged to love our wives in that way. Now, the ears of the watching world outside of Jesus Christ, they hear all of this and they immediately think of men bullying and bossing women around and women being worn out, waiting on their husband's hand and foot.

But in a godly household, nothing could be further from the truth. The church submits to and is subject to Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ is the church's savior. There is incredible mutual love and mutual affection and encouragement to one another between Jesus and his church, between the Christian husband and his dearest one, his wife.

If you're a Christian, is it not the most wonderful part of your whole life to know that God loves you, to know that God really does love you?

He loves me.

Aren't you so very thankful that in spite of your sin, in spite of your coldness in the things of God at times, in spite of your stubbornness, that Jesus' love for you never diminishes at all. No matter how angry you get, right before you're supposed to come here and preach because your son got his hand slammed in the door, Jesus still loves me.

It's amazing. Such ought to be the case with husbands towards their wives as well. A wife ought to have the greatest joy in her heart, knowing her husband always puts her before himself. He has a long track record of doing it, and he always has her very best in mind.

She knows he does. She's safe in his arms, and his heart safely trusts in her. She finds joy in submitting to and obeying him. Friends, this is something that unbelievers just do not understand. Paul, writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, gets even more bold.

Look at verse 24. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything, it says. The husband is following the example of Christ in the church when it comes to his marriage.

And the wife must know that the husband is head over her and that she is subject to him in everything. To drive home the point, a wife can no more rule over her husband and be head over him than the church could rule over and be the head of Jesus Christ.

Christ is the head of the church. The husband is the head of the wife. That's the way the creator of husbands and wives has so ordered it. But remember that since the fall happened, there's going to be a very strong desire in that woman's heart.

Genesis 3 .16, God said to the woman, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception and pain. You shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.

Women will have to fight the sinful and rebellious impulse to try to control and dominate their husbands. Try to usurp that headship. That's a sinful desire. It must be suppressed in the hearts of women.

The passage will have more to say about this towards the end of it. But point number two this evening, verse 25, you see it? Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her.

Here we have the key to biblical male headship in the home. A man who will not love his wife as Jesus loves the church is quite simply abusing his headship. A man who is by God's creative design and sovereign decree, the head of his wife, but does not actively love her.

That man is a tyrant. When Jesus first called his 12 disciples to himself, they were the very picture of raw materials. They were common men with great potential who had an incredible amount of maturing to do and a great deal of humility to learn.

This is true of all of God's people. Jesus taught the service of the head to the bride in this most practical of ways. He washed their filthy, rebellious, argumentative feet. Remember that narrative in John 13?

Jesus, after washing off their feet, said, if I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, I'm your Lord and teacher. I, who am the head over my church, I just washed your feet. You also ought to wash one another's feet.

For I've given you an example that you should do as I have done to you. So the head of the church on earth, the king of the universe, leads in a sense from below by washing, by serving. That's exactly what husbands are called to do for their wives.

Exactly what we're supposed to do right there. Husbands and future husbands, the same position of authority you will have one day over your wife is a call to service. It's a call to humility, to self-sacrifice, to love.

You are to be a walking example of the gospel in your home. And when the word of God uses that word, love, that word agape, husbands agape your wives as Christ did the church. What does that word mean?

What is agape all about? 1 Corinthians 13, four through nine. Love suffers long and is kind. Love is patient. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself. Love is not puffed up. Love does not, just let me add some things here.

Love does not exalt itself. When you know your wife is wrong about something, she's in sin and you know it, it doesn't exalt itself in that way. I got you pinned this time. You're the one who's wrong this time.

It doesn't do that. It doesn't behave rudely. It does not seek its own. It's not provoked. It thinks no evil. It does not rejoice in iniquity. Rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

And then lastly and most importantly, love never fails. He's relentless in his love for his church. We are to be exactly the same in our love for our wives. We never fail. She hasn't been keeping up her end of the bargain.

She hasn't been doing what she promised to do at her wedding.

Doesn't matter.

Love never fails. If you love your wife as Jesus loved the church. Brethren, until you are ready to do these things toward that woman, we have no business getting married. God is calling for an all-out pursuit of that woman.

All-out love, total abandon to that mission, to love that woman, to do everything that you can do to seek her very best, to make her happy, to make her know how much she is loved every day of her life and to keep that eye-popping smile on her face all the days of her life.

Even if she's not always easy to love, you must love her with passion and great effort. Remember what the text says before you here. Look at verse 25 again. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her.

How did Jesus love his church and give himself for her? Listen, Christ is the initiator and pursuer of his bride,.

His church.

Christ's love for his church, praise God, does not depend on how lovable we happen to be day by day. Jesus' love for the church is irrespective of how we're doing. It's simply his willful decision to love us relentlessly.

But men who are married, here is your great calling. Love your wife just as Jesus loved the church. Men who will one day be married, that will be your great calling from God. That is one truth you never have to wonder about whether it's true.

Love her as Jesus loved the church and gave himself in behalf of her. Now, what does that phrase mean? That's the cross. The death of Jesus in behalf of his church. He loved his church so much that he gave himself in behalf of her.

It's pretty amazing that husbands are told to do that very thing. So men, we are to die to ourselves, die to our desires, to our preferences, die for her, die for her happiness, die in order for her to be happy and to feel loved.

Whatever it takes to make her happy and for her to feel loved. Study her, pursue her, be sensitive to her, listen to her in focused attention. Even if she's talking to you about things you have no interest in at all, they must interest you because they interest her.

This is what separates Christian men from everyone else around them. Look at verses 26 and 27. That he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

And here in verses 26 and 27, those verses we just read, we have the purpose for which Jesus loved and gave himself for his church, for his select people, in order that he would sanctify and cleanse them, that they would be entirely free from spots, wrinkles, and blemishes, that the people he came to save would be holy.

No greater love can be imagined than that. Now, obviously, no man can be his wife's savior or actually make her holy, but the spiritual well-being and the personal holiness and walk with Jesus Christ of his wife ought to be the husband's overriding concern this side of eternal glory.

Her walk with Jesus will be of the utmost importance to him. And if the husband sees his wife suffering spiritually, not growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ, he will do all that is in his power to remedy that situation.

He will pray with her and for her. He would try to give her time alone with the word of God, with some peace and quiet each day, so she's able to commune with Christ. Whenever it takes, the husband will find a way to do it.

Jesus did this for us up to the cost of his own life. Jesus loved the church and gave himself for her on the cross. He died for her. So husbands, give yourself for your wife. Paul then goes on into an even more detailed description about how this is our reasonable service.

Verse 28. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. This is, I believe, one of the most challenging passages of scripture for every married man and every man who one day may be married to consider.

We have to weigh this one carefully in our minds and let the full impact of what it means press in on us. Every day of our lives, every moment that God has shared with us, one of his daughters to be married to.

There is a fundamental oneness in the marriage covenant, which the Holy Spirit of God, the creator of marriage is driving home to us here. We love our wives as our own bodies. And then that stirring phrase, he who loves his wife loves who?

Himself.

To love her is to love yourself. The relationship that exists between a husband and wife is entirely unique in the whole world. It's unlike any other relationship you will ever have with anyone. But we are called upon to love all people.

The oneness of married people is in a different category all together. As much as we're called upon to honor our father and mother, the marriage relationship is still very different. As much as we love our children, the marriage relationship is still very different.

The word of God never says if we love our parents, we're loving ourselves. It never says if we love our children, we're loving ourselves. But when the husband loves his wife, he's loving himself. Look at verse 29.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. Remember what Jesus said to Saul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus about the church?

Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting? Who? Me. It's the same relationship the husband has with his wife. Someone hurts her, they're hurting you. If you're unkind to her, you're being unkind to yourself.

If you love her, you're loving yourself. The point there is so very clear. Just as the Lord Jesus would never, indeed could never, hate one of his own adopted children who's part of his church, the husband must not ever hate, or be cruel, or insensitive, or unloving towards his wife.

Jesus loved the church and died to save her. The husband must have love on that same level. The same level of intensity, of passion, of unwavering commitment. No matter what circumstances we're in, or how we feel, or how stressed out we are, or how sad, or depressed, or happy, or whatever, we still have that calling.

She is me.

This is why one of the greatest sins a man could ever do is commit adultery. In the heart, or with his physical body. Adultery was a capital crime in the Old Testament. Evidently, God hates adultery more than he hates divorce because God will allow the innocent party to divorce their spouse if adultery is committed.

Let me tell you what adultery is really like. Let me tell you what it's really like. Such would be akin to the Lord Jesus being turned over, to those Roman guards to be scourged, and then crucified to save and redeem his church, and then suddenly deciding at the last minute, you know, I don't think they're really worth all this.

And then calling upon angels to destroy all of his persecutors, going back to heaven from whence he came, and leaving us all to die in our sins. We don't want to be that way. We don't want to be that way.

Men, please remember this. Just as Christ's own faithfulness does not depend on the goodness of those for whom he died, the love of the husband for his wife must not depend on how good of a wife she is to him.

And we are the initiators. We're the initiators. We're the pursuers. And we have to be like Jesus. What did Jesus' disciples do in his hour of greatest need? When he needed them to be praying for him,.

What were they doing?

Sleeping.

Could you not even watch one hour? Apparently not.

Apparently not.

You don't love your wife because of how good of a wife she is. You love her because that's what you're commanded by God to do. And it's supposed to mirror the same love Jesus has for his church. The commandment to husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church has no qualifications, no caveats, no disclaimers.

When a man marries a woman, he is to love her as Jesus loved the church. Even if that woman is the foolish woman of Proverbs 14 .1, even if she's actively engaged in pulling down her house with her own hands, even if she is that contentious woman who makes him want to dwell in the wilderness or live on the corner of the housetop because she nags and criticizes and nitpicks at him constantly, he's still called to love her.

You see why the decision about who you marry is a pretty important one? These statements in scripture don't have qualifications attached to them. It's this is what you're supposed to do. So make sure you do it.

Aren't we all glad that Jesus' love for us is still strong even when we complain, when we're spiritually cold, when we sin, when we're unfaithful to him, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Husbands, when you're nasty and sensitive, cranky, short, or ugly towards your wife, you are mistreating.

Yourself,.

According to God's word. You are directly disobeying Christ and are betraying the most sacred promise you made in this life. Marriage is that unique institution in this world in which you men have your highest and most holy opportunity to be like Jesus.

It is the greatest opportunity you have to be like Jesus. You know, we're not told to love the lost like Jesus loved the church or to love our parents or our children just as one person. You have this ultimate opportunity to be as Christ-like as you could possibly be this side of eternal glory in your marriage.

It's your greatest opportunity to do so. You don't get this opportunity with any other human beings. You get the opportunity to love as Jesus loved only with your wife.

And she alone is you.

She alone is joined to you and the two of you are one flesh before God. Think about what God just said to us here in this passage. Look at verse 29 again. For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church.

Mistreating your wife is like purposefully cutting yourself up with a knife or mistreating your wife is like starving yourself of food. Treating your wife with scorn, with bitterness, with downright hate is the same as hating your own flesh.

Wives and wives-to-be, if you refuse to submit to the leadership and the authority of your husband, you are directly disobeying Christ. You are acting like the liberal church. Think about it. The liberal church absolutely refuses to submit to the headship and leadership of Christ because they will not allow him to rule over them by his word.

They will not obey what his word teaches. They have discarded biblical authority and thus are spiritual adulterers. Ladies, don't imitate the liberal churches in your marriage. The authority of your husband is established by God.

Even if he isn't much of a leader or he's passive or he can be bitter and cold towards you, the command to submit to him still stands. This is why couples must know Christ together. Know Christ together.

You have to seek Christ together. They must learn that when there are hardships and turmoil, when there is fighting, when words are spoken which should not have been spoken, when things are done which should not have been done, people have to learn who are married to take one another by the hand and go to their knees as one before God and seek help as one.

Think about the way your marriage is described by God. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. You see that union that's there? Jesus and his church.

Husbands, you're Jesus. Wives, you're the church. Love them as Christ loved the church. Wives, submit to them as to the Lord. That doesn't work if you don't know Christ together. If you don't seek him together.

If you don't pray together. If you don't pray for and with one another together. It's always us together. The assumption is that both are repentant followers of Christ. I want to, as an application of that, I want to say to every single person here, every person who's not married, it is a sin for you to be romantically interested in or involved with an unbeliever.

Never, ever do it.

Never, ever do it. 2 Corinthians 6, 14. Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers for what fellowship is righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial?

Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? Rhetorical question after rhetorical question is asked there. And don't ever think, I'm going to missionary date someone. I'm going to convert them. Don't presume to think you can do such a thing.

Don't presume to think that you're God. And I want to tell you as well, don't love someone because of what you hope they might be one day. If you can't love them for what they are today, don't get involved with them.