TLP 53: Counseling and Parenting | Dr. Heath Lambert Interview

The role of counselor in our world today is a very specific vocation, and people who have the vocation of counselor do counseling, and people who do not have the vocation of counselor don't do counseling.

What Biblical Counseling Means in the Parent-Child Relationship

Welcome to Truth.

Love.

Parents.

Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M.

Brewster.

Thank you for joining us today. I am very pleased to have a special guest on the show. If you go to iTunes and search Truth.

Love.

Parent, our show will be the first one listed, and his show will be the second. Our special guest today is Dr. Heath Lambert. He is first and foremost a husband to Lauren. Secondly, he is a father to Carson, Chloe, and Connor, but in his spare time, he's the executive director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors and host of their podcast, Truth in Love.

He also serves as the associate pastor and executive pastor for discipleship and family life at Faith Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida, and he somehow manages to be a faculty member at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and their undergraduate institution, Boyce College, and because he doesn't have enough due to fill his time, he's also authored several books.

Seriously, I love this man and the ministry he leads. I believe our hearts beat in sync in so many ways. ACBC is the largest biblical counseling organization in the world, and I love them and their work so much.

If you check out our Patreon page linked below, you'll see that one of our future goals is for our counseling team to be certified through ACBC. Now, each of our counselors has their own training, certification, and extensive experience, but the tools and training ACBC offers are unparalleled.

In fact, it was at ACBC's 40th anniversary conference in 2016 that I met Dr. Lambert. You can check out episode 5 for some of the highlights from that conference. At the end of the couple days of equipping and challenging, right after the last session, I caught Heath and I asked him to come on the show because I believe there's so much confusion over today's topic, and I knew he was perfectly equipped to speak into that.

Our show today is called Counseling and Parenting. An appropriate subtitle might be, What's the Difference? Have you ever considered that? What are parenting and counseling? How are they similar or dissimilar?

Our society tells us that counseling is a special form of advice that must be provided by a trained professional. In fact, if someone claims to be a counselor, but they haven't been certified by a certified certification certifier, you just shouldn't trust them.

Is that true? What does the Bible have to say about this? Well, that's why Dr. Lambert is here today. As the executive director of a counselor certifying organization and student of God's Word, I believe we should all listen very carefully.

So Heath, why don't you take it away? What role does biblical counseling play in the parent-child relationship?

Counseling as Relationship and Shared Wisdom

Here is the thing that's really interesting about that question. The Bible doesn't think of counseling or of a counselor in an office or in a position the way we often do in our world today. The role of counselor in our world today is a very specific vocation.

People who have the vocation of counselor do counseling, and people who do not have the vocation of counselor don't do counseling. That is an idea that is foreign to the Bible. When the Bible addresses what we understand to be counseling, it's really talking about relationship.

It's talking about an exchange of wisdom between two parties. One party having questions and problems and trouble, and the other party having answers and solutions and help. And so the reality is that when you think about counseling in our very specific 21st century Western context, it's not the way the Bible talks about it.

The Bible says all of us are counselors as we exist in relationship with one another. That means every single parent is a counselor when you understand what a counselor is biblically. And so since every parent is a counselor to their child, children come to parents and they have questions and problems and trouble.

And it is the role of a parent to give them answers and solutions and help. And so the role biblical counseling plays in that is that we want those answers, those solutions, and those help to be biblical.

So parents need to grow in their wisdom and knowledge of the Lord in their study of the scriptures so that as they are parenting their children, what their counsel sounds like is biblical counsel.

I love how the Bible simplifies so many concepts our world tries to complicate. I frequently said that no one who calls himself a Christ follower should ever feel unqualified to give counsel as long as he gives God's truth from God's word.

All right, so Heath, if biblical counseling is equipping ourselves with God's truth and providing it to those in need, what does a parent counselor really look like?

Love, Know, Speak, and Do in Parenting

You know, there are a number of ways that I could answer that question. It's actually a very, very important question, and it could be treated in so many different categories. I think maybe for the purpose of the conversation that we're having here, you know, Paul Tripp, he wrote a book called Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, and he talks in that book about how Christians in their daily life, as they just exist in relationship, how they can do counseling well, how they can be a good friend.

His argument is that God uses people in need of change to help people who are in need of change, and as he talks about that, he gives four categories for those kinds of relationships, and his four categories are love, know, speak, and do.

We want to love people. We want to enter into a relationship with a perspective of care for the other person. Second, we want to know the other person. We want to understand what's going on in their life.

James 119 says to let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, and so we need to know people before we can speak into their lives. Love, know, speak. We do need to speak into their lives.

We don't just listen. We don't just develop understanding. Once we have understanding about the struggles of people, we need to speak into their lives and give them instruction about how to change, and then finally, do.

We need to help them know how they can make practical changes in their life that are conducive with Christian growth, and so love, know, speak, do. I think as it relates to your question, what does a parent counselor look like?

I think what it looks like is a parent who is full of love for their child, who is seeking to really know and understand their child. This takes some work. Honestly, I find myself, as my kids are getting older, I find myself sitting with my kids, honestly, some days for hours, and just trying to find out what was going on.

That's not this laborious, over-the-table-with-a-clipboard thing that can be playing catch in the front yard or swimming together or riding bikes, but it's, hey, tell me about your day. Hey, you said something interesting about your friend yesterday.

Tell me how that happened today. Tell me about this exchange with your teacher. This is just me asking questions, showing interest, and listening to them, and then after I understand what's going on, they need me as a parent to speak into their life, and then they need to grow and change, and so I'm speaking into their life in such a way that I'm trying to point them in the direction of change, and so what does a parent counselor look like?

I think it looks like somebody who loves, knows, speaks, and helps their child change.

I love that. I love that picture of a parent. Again, it's so simple, and yet for so many of us, potentially counterintuitive because of our sin nature. Thank you for breaking it down that way. I love Paul Tripp's book that you mentioned there, too.

So for parents who perhaps are just now understanding that to be a parent requires them to truly counsel their children, here's a final question for you. What steps can parents take to become better at counseling their kids biblically?

Parenting with Time, Presence, and Scripture

All right, as I think about the answer to this question, I think about Ephesians 6 verse 4. It says, "...fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.".

It's so funny you say that. We've spent so much time talking about that passage recently.

There's a lot of things that we could say about just that one verse, but one of the things that you're forced to conclude if you pay attention to it for just half a second is that this parenting thing is going to take time.

Don't provoke them to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. Parenting takes time.

I completely agree with everything you're saying. I think one of the questions that could potentially be swirling around in the minds of some parents is we spend so much time already providing for our children.

Where are we supposed to find that additional time?

One of the things I notice when my kids are coming up to me and asking me questions, the number one question I get from my kids is not, Dad, can I have this or can I do this? The number one question I get from my kids is, Dad, will you?

My kids are wanting me. They're wanting me to be in their life. Quite frankly, this can be a challenge for almost every parent because the demands of work are persistent. Then we come home and we're tempted to think, hey, I'm going to have a break now.

We park our face on our phone or we turn on the television or we go out and try to work in the yard to try to get some alone, quiet time. I would say one of the most important things that parents can do is beat out of yourself the notion that when I get home, that's my time off.

That's my me time. That is not so. It's actually when you get home. It's actually when you're with your kids that you're real. Your most important job actually begins. I just have a commitment, the phase of life that I'm in with my family right now.

I have an 11-year-old, a 9-year-old, and a 6-year-old. When I get home, I'm just not working. There are some exceptions to that when seasons are really busy. When I say some exceptions, we're talking very, very rare.

For the most part, the expectation is when I get home, I'm with my kids. They're not competing with my phone. They're not competing with social media. They're not competing with the television. We are having tickle fights and tea parties and playing in the front yard and doing all kinds of things.

One of the most important things that a parent can do is to turn everything off and plug into your kids. Then after that, after you've devoted the time to it, then we do need to bring our kids up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord.

I think about the conversations I had with my three kids last night. We wound up, every single thing they brought up that happened at school, we wound up turning that back to the Scriptures. Not because there's some rule book on how to be a pastor and a dad at the same time, but just because every single thing they were dealing with, how they treated their kids in the schoolyard, how they were responding to an unjust decision they perceived on the part of their teacher, how they were responding to being exhausted at the end of a day of hard work and practice, everything related back to what Jesus Christ expects of them, what Jesus Christ has accomplished for them.

After you spend time with your kids, then we need to just have this commitment to swinging everything back to how we can live more faithfully for Jesus Christ. What that means is, as parents, we've got to be living faithfully for Jesus Christ.

We've got to be having time in the Word and in prayer and growing ourselves. If it's out of the overflow of our heart that the mouth speaks, then we need to be storing up the truths of the Word of God in our hearts so that when our kids are talking to us about their day, what comes out in our response is the Word of God.

That's fantastic. Totally exactly what we needed to hear today. Thank you, Dr. Lambert. This reminds me of episode four, Don't Lose Your Influence. The entire episode is about the biblical concept of counseling and how the parent can do it.

Better.

Like I said, I love how you and the ministry of ACBC believe 100 in the sufficiency of.

Scripture.

Take everything back to the Bible. I love it. It's perfect. No one who calls himself a Christ follower should ever feel unqualified to give counsel as long as he gives God's truth from God's Word. I'd also like to go a step further and encourage any and all of you to check out the ACBC website linked in the description.

There are so many tools and resources there. Who knows, maybe some of you may sign up for a block of classes just so you can become a more premeditated parent. ACBC also has regional events. I've linked to them below as well, and I was told they have a number of parenting sessions at some of those events, so check it out.

If you remember episode 17, the most important thing I can say to parents, you'll recall that in the past, many men and women have attended seminary simply because they wanted to be the best parents they could be.

On that episode, I also gave you a number of things you could do to be a better parent, and I think that researching ACBC could be part of that equipping for you. And I want to make one more application before we go.

Wisdom, Counsel, and the Sufficiency of God's Word

If you, one of the biblical counselors in your family, is having a hard time or has questions, it is not wrong to search for a counselor outside of your family. In fact, God tells us repeatedly in Scripture that there's wisdom in a multitude of counselors.

That's why we're doing what we're doing here today. But, if you reach out to a counselor, they too must adhere to the same criteria we discussed today. Honestly, I don't care how many degrees and certifications and years of experience they have.

If they spend all their time discussing man's wisdom, but they ignore or speak negatively about God's wisdom, you don't need that kind of counsel. No one has time for that. Those people aren't fit to be life counselors.

So, whether we're being the parent counselor God's called us to be, or we're inviting other counselors to speak into our family life, as Tim Challey's encouraged in episode 35, that counsel needs to be held accountable to the Word of God.

Job 12 .13 says, "...with God our wisdom and might. He has counsel and understanding.". Proverbs 8 .14 tells us that wisdom that's rooted in the fear of the Lord has counsel, insight, and strength. And in Revelation 3, Jesus himself gives unique counsel to the church at Laodicea.

He says, "...I know your works. You are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.

Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline. So be zealous and repent.". Jesus is saying, we are the most vile when we parade our own self-sufficiency. When we counsel our children with the world's failure philosophies, we are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.

So what's the answer? Well, Christ affords them all they need. He counsels them to reject the wealth of their belongings and the intelligence and the skill and accept his gifts as perfect as refined gold, pure character to adorn themselves and the freedom that truth brings, unclouding blind eyes.

May we take that counsel from Jesus himself and share it with others, and so become intentional premeditated disciple-making parent counselors. Dr. Lambert, thank you for joining us today. The description of our show is going to be pretty full because I'm going to provide our listeners with the links to the ACBC website, the regional events page, your podcast, Truth in Love, your Twitter, and ACBC's Facebook page.

And I hope you, the listener, will check out at least one of those resources and become better acquainted with ACBC. There are so many other people in this world who are excited to help you in your parenting journey and we're just delighted to introduce you to them.

Our next episode will be a very timely word for mothers, but you dads will benefit from it too. But I'm really excited to announce a new five-part series spanning episodes 55 through 59. The series is entitled, The Four Children, and we're going to spend that time studying four unique children and their response to Bible-centered counsel.

This is very timely considering today's topic. I hope you'll join us and I hope you'll share it with your friends. Who knows which of these four children is living in your home or your friend's homes.

I also want to give you a sneak peek into our next special guest, author, speaker, wife and mom, Natasha Crane from the Christian Mom Thoughts blog will be joining us for a three-part show. One of those shows will be a parenting Q &A.

If you have a parenting question you'd like Natasha and I to tackle, please send them to TeamTLP at TruthLoveParent .com. Of course, you can also share this and our other episodes on social media to help connect God's plan for parenting to the lives of moms and dads across the globe.

Listen, God gave you to your family because if you root yourself in His Word and communicate through His love and His strength, you are the best parent your kids could ever have. So be a full parent for them.

Be a parent counselor.

Truth.

Love.

Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.