Myths About Marriage - Emotional Abuse is a Serious Issue in Relationships

Emotional Abuse as a Label and the Problem of Subjective Harm

This week's myth is Emotional abuse is a serious danger in relationships. Emotional abuse is a serious danger in relationship. The fact it's an emotional self-control is key to a successful relationship.

So you've probably heard emotional abuse talked about maybe you've used the term a lot of times. It's term that gets thrown around about all kinds of situations people use it described their past relationships their current relationships.

And they respond to this in different ways they'll leave relationships they'll blame the failure of their past relationship on emotional abuse and. But the problem is that if you label things Like emotional abuse in such a way as to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own emotional self-control.

Then you're undermining the foundation by which you could have stability in a relationship. Okay, so I know that this is a topic that people are really sensitive about a lot of people have a lot of investment In the label emotional abuse.

But I'd like you to consider what the Bible says about our emotions. And why maybe that term is doing more harm than it's actually doing good. All right, so first off. We should start off with the definition of emotional abuse.

What is emotional abuse? Well if you think about what the words themselves mean maybe it means abusing emotions. That's not really what it means is that no one abuses your joy or abuses your sadness. Your emotions are immaterial.

They aren't being abused as such well. Maybe it describes the manner in which the abuser acts right he's very emotional. You know he acts very Emotionally and angry etc. He or she. But no that's usually not what people are talking about either.

They're talking about something that causes an emotional response. And so if you think about it emotional abuse is not actually defined by the Behavior of the one who's being labeled an abuser. It's almost always defined subjectively by the experience.

The one who's being abused. Right their responses are what make it emotional. It's because they are very emotional. Emotional abuse is labeled emotional abuse. So what is what is this when I looked it up?

This was the definition? I got continual emotional Mistreatment. Well, what is emotional mistreatment you see this problem? There's really not a definition. It's just implied that it really is a kind of abuse.

But then when you think about it well, it's actually talking about the response of the one who is mistreated. Rather than the actions of the one who is mistreating so biblically. What is the danger here so biblically if you consider your responsibilities when you speak and your responsibilities when you listen and respond.

There are certain actions that the bible commends and certain actions that it forbids and if you embrace a label like emotional abuse such that the burden of the response Lies solely on the one who is speaking rather on the one who is listening and responding who is the one who is emotionally abused?

Then you end up discouraging things that the bible would encourage as far as speech and discouraging things that the bible would encourage as far as listening and responding. So first of all how should we speak?

Different situations call for different things sometimes. Critical speech is even encouraged by the bible. But if your response to critical speech is a very emotional one and because you have become distraught Emotionally because your feelings are hurt you're able to label this emotional abuse that could discourage Biblical speech that is necessary consider these passages.

Luke 11 45 One of the lawyers answered him teacher and saying these things you insult us also. So what they're saying is Jesus you're hurting our feelings. How does he respond says woe to you lawyers also?

Titus 1 12 through 13 one of the Cretans a prophet of their own said Cretans are always liars evil beasts lazy gluttons. This testimony is true, right? There's all kinds of firm and critical speech in scripture that is that are examples of good speech and If we measure everything by the response and not by the actual duty of the speaker Then you could end up discouraging good speech now.

What about responses? How are we supposed to respond? Well the bible gives us a lot of examples of enduring Harsh speech of turning the other cheek that kind of thing. But if it becomes labeled abuse and the right response to abuse is to flee because who should endure abuse you know?

This is the point of the label abuses you've got to flee it. Then you're not willing to do those kinds of things if you've embraced the label and all that it tends to mean in our society. Proverbs 19 11 good sense makes one slow to anger and it is as it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 12 16 the vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult. Proverbs 25 28 a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. So the bible describes The kind of responses that we should have to offensive things to insults difficult things and it's generally Generally to overlook such things now certainly there can be occasions where it is right to flee where it is right to resist but Generally the mode of operation should be to to endure such things in a loving manner.

But if you have embraced the label so much that you are not able to Then you're not able to follow these biblical commands, and what is the alternative to all this what behavior ends up being encouraged if you label?

Critical speech emotional abuse. Well first of all you could be encouraging just the opposite right the entire absence of criticism. Not just bad criticisms or wrong criticisms, but even good criticisms.

You could discourage so that only affirmations are permitted, but aren't incorrect untruthful lying affirmations just as dangerous as lying criticisms and Then also you're encouraging emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail is where the one who is offended gets to use their emotions as Sort of a guilt or a threat a reason that you can't speak the way. Or you can't act the way that you're acting because if you do that it will hurt me.

Maybe after this talk some of you will say hey You know the things you said really hurt me right that would be that would be an example of emotional blackmail. So don't use that on me tonight. And Also it undermines the stability of relationships if the goal of if the right response to abuse in a relationship, it's to run from abuse as Generally it is that's why you use the word abuse to describe a dangerous situation that you should flee.

Then it leads to the instability of a relationship because who's going to want to endure that. There is a serious agenda behind all this. We live in a society that has very much hiked victimhood and has encouraged you to think Not in terms of your own responsibility, but in your terms of your own victimhood.

There's a very therapeutic agenda. That is the gospel the good news of today is that it's not your fault. In fact I was looking up books on this topic of emotional abuse one of the top books on Amazon was called It's not your fault like this is what people are trying to sell you.

This is what they know is going to sell. It's not your fault. You're okay. Nothing is wrong with you and and What is the means by which People accomplish this the means by which people try to sell you this false gospel this false.

Hope this false identity. It's primarily in the use of language. There's an equivocation that happens when you use the term abuse because you're used to thinking of abuse in a physical terms. Right if something is Physical abuse then you are physically harmed and you can't help it your your body's response to physical abuse is not something that you can control and So the implication is it's the same with emotional abuse when someone treats you that way.

This is not something that you can control. When we talk about safety usually we're talking about physical safety and someone needs to be and it's safe places. But if we're talking about emotional safety Then the idea is once again Suggested that you need to be in a safe place you need to be away from this place where your feelings might get hurt.

And then people use the word toxic right as though the relationship itself Could actually harm you not just be unpleasant or uncomfortable or difficult and the end of all this is to destroy Relationships, there's a lot of associative vocabulary with the notion of emotional abuse things like codependence, right?

There's a lot of words that get used to suggest to you that your only problem your only problem is That you would endure. What you have to do is learn to leave that so that you would not have to endure it anymore and so the The objective of all this is to break up relationships to make them unstable.

Even if you look up formal definitions of abuse used by Used by government agencies to determine whether abuse is happening. They were almost always have emotional abuse on the list once again without any clear definitions but if This person has responded emotionally enough. You could be guilty of emotional abuse.

I Once knew a lady who would come to my Bible study. And she would talk to me about how her husband was abusive to her and at first I thought that this was something very serious because you know abuse is a terrible thing.

I thought she was actually being physically harmed. It turned out that she was just meant that he was too critical to of her and when she ended up using this as an excuse To separate from her husband leave him.

She would get upset at him even trying to repent to come back to her ask for forgiveness. She described him once bringing her flowers, and she described it as creepy right. So people end up using this language of emotional abuse to label things as just outright harmful that don't need to be considered or tolerated or Anything like and you just absolve all responsibility of having to work through difficult things in relationships.

Scripture, Critical Speech, and How to Respond to Hurt

Now I know they're going to be a number of objections. So let me try to anticipate a few. First off someone might say well No emotional abuse is definitely a real thing. Look at Jesus. He was emotionally abused just certainly physically abused.

Jesus certainly responded with emotions. But they are right emotions that he was in control of when the occasion calls for called for grief. He responded with grief when the occasion called for joy. He responded with joy.

He never blamed his emotions on other people. Secondly you might say no. It's definitely emotional abuse is definitely real abuse. Because there have been studies done That show that some kind of emotional trauma that you experience affects the whole body it integrates itself into every cell.

Okay, I have two responses of that first. Correlation does not equal causation just because someone who has had an emotional response Has a change in their body does not mean that The person who did those things is responsible for that it could be them working themselves up and responding in an anxious Sinfully anxious way that has caused the change in their body.

Secondly we live in a very Materialist world you should be aware of that that everyone who's going to clinically describe some kind of problem is Not going to acknowledge the reality of the soul. It's not going to not acknowledge the reality of a of a creator who you have particular duties to and so any kind of response That would recognize that there's something spiritual going on would be laughed out of academia, right?

So instead they offer you purely materialist answers. Look the reason that there's anxiety is not because people aren't bringing their troubles to the Lord. The reason that there's anxiety is because of these external factors or these biological factors.

But there can't possibly be a soul there can't possibly be one who is responsible for their own reactions. Now you might also Be considering this and say well is this just a vocabulary thing. Are you just taking issue with the term Emotional abuse because the emotions themselves aren't abused and it's talking about the eventual response.

What if we just use term like verbal abuse? You know would that be acceptable? I still think that at this point You are coming up with terminology that's used to absolve people of responsibility. Right even verbal abuse is not a phrase that's used in scripture.

It has that word abuse. So it is implying certain kinds of responses being appropriate certain kinds of evasive non-responsibility responses. We should use biblical biblical vocabulary. First Corinthians 13 4 through 5 says love is patient and kind.

Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. You could talk about rude speech. You could talk about irritable speech. You could talk about resentful speech that would actually describe the activity of the one who is speaking as Opposed to describing primarily your response to the one who is speaking.

Now you could also say well in the examples you gave you were talking about people who were Not very powerless. So for example Jesus when he's speaking to the lawyers. Those are people in positions of power.

What about those who are really are victims who are in lower positions? Certainly, they shouldn't endure it. That's just those kinds of people who are in higher positions should be willing to accept criticism.

Consider what the Bible says about women who have Husbands who are disobedient to the Word. Husbands who are unruly says this in first Peter 3 5 through 6 for this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves by Submitting to their own husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord and you are her children if you do good and do not fear.

Anything that is frightening. Now what's the typical response when a woman comes to her friends and says? My husband is emotionally abusing me. My husband is speaking. So critically of me, etc, etc. Often the often the advice is you've got to leave him.

You've got a run you get out of there girl. You have got You you've got to get out of that toxic situation, but what is Peters response. Rather you should submit to him. You should have a gentle and quiet spirit.

You should do good and not fear anything that is frightening. Rather than responding with uncontrolled fear. That you should take that action, which is indeed something that is fearful. It is indeed something that is frightening in that it has a tendency to provoke such responses.

But you should have self-control so that even those things that are frightening do not produce fear in you. This is the this is the biblical admonition. You are children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Okay. So what should our response be first? You should have realistic expectations and any kind of relationship that you go into. Okay, you should go into it knowing that in any relationship. They're going to be at least two sinners involved.

All right, any relationship that you have here on this earth at least two sinners involved. The other person is going to be sinful. They're going to harm you they're going to hurt your feelings at one point or another as long as it is a sufficiently prolonged relationship and You also are one who is a sinner and need to be watching out for your own heart that you are not absolving yourself of any kind of responsibility.

To control yourself in this situation. Secondly, you should have biblical goals. You should have biblical goals for your relationship. It should be one that promotes truth. What does 1st Corinthians 13 say love rejoices in truth?

Often when people are concerned just about feelings and the therapeutic and responses to things. They're not rejoicing in truth. They're rejoicing in either truth or lies or whatever produces a good response.

So you should rejoice in truth. You should have biblical goals for your relationships and You should have biblical vocabulary. Now not every word that we use has to come out of the Bible. There are plenty of Situations where you might want to use words that aren't in the Bible and there are even good Theology words that you would use that aren't in the Bible like for example the Trinity that's a biblical concept.

It's not a word in the Bible, but you should take everything back to the Bible and test it by it. Because if you aren't willing to do that you are very likely to get bamboozled by the enemy. Frequently the way he works is with if he wants to change your thoughts.

He's going to change the way you speak and if you start adopting language that suggests untruths that suggest lies. You're going to start thinking lies. So you should take your language back to the Bible and You should have emotional self-control.

Your emotions love joy peace these things they are all fruit of the Spirit. They are the fruit of the Spirit if you are having trouble with your emotions if you're lacking self-control Jesus said that God would give generously to all without reproach.

He said specifically the end of the Lord's Prayer that anyone who asked for more of his spirit He would receive it if you ask for God For his spirit to work in you so that you would have more self-control more patience more love more joy.

He will answer those prayers if you come to him in faith trusting in the Son and Your emotions should be fueled by reality rather than anything else right like I said Jesus had emotional responses. He grieved on occasion.

He was zealous on others occasions. But these were never things where he was out of control he was being he was in control of his own emotions and They were being determined by reality rather than by some fiction.

Consider his example consider his teaching he gave us a new commandment. If you remember the new commandment the new commandment was you should love each other as I have loved you. Okay, this is new because he came and he gave an example of love.

What was that example? Isaiah 53 7 says he was oppressed and he was afflicted yet He opened not his mouth like a lamb that is led to the slaughter and like a sheep that before its ears is silent. So he opened not his mouth.

He was willing to endure difficult things like I said there give me times where it's not right to endure but there are many times many times where it is right to endure and then Beyond that this is not just Enduring others for our sake He was also enduring us.

Hebrews 6 6 talks about those who would deny Christ as crucifying him a second time. What's the implication? Those of us even those of us who have trusted in Christ have crucified him once that having been born an Enemy of God a child of wrath as it describes in Ephesians 2.

We have a history of having been his enemy in such a way that it can be said that we have crucified Christ. When he what he endured was not just others. He was enduring us and if he was willing to endure us and he has commanded us to love others the way that he has Loved us.

Should we not be willing to endure others as well and then moreover? By dying for us by being raised from the dead for us He has sent his spirit so that we might have The fruit of the Spirit so that we might have the self-control so we might have the love joy peace.

That Christ has we can have all of that through the gospel of Jesus Christ. What he has for you today is not Not in unstable relationships where you're not able to take responsibility and work through issues.

What he has for you today is a wonderful gospel of peace in Jesus Christ that means Peace for other relationships as well, and I would love for you to have that more fully. I would love for you to be able to enjoy the fullness of excellent Christian relationships Through the fruit of the Spirit in your life.

Let me go ahead and pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father. We thank you for your word. We thank you for your spirit and for the fruit of the Spirit. We ask that you would work in us today your fruit pray for anyone here who does not know you that you would save their Soul that they might have the fruit of the Spirit in Jesus name.

Amen. There was one illustration that I wanted to make during the message. And that is if you go on. If you search Google Ngram search, you can find the use of a term in published literature over time.

This is the term emotional abuse. You can come look at this later, but Maybe I'll put it on the camera so you can so it'll be seen later on but 1920 no uses in published literature. Maybe it starts getting used to little around 1940 not really in the 1980 suddenly just picks off This is a really new concept.

You know, people are using this in new ways. This is not some long-standing understanding of The nature of human interactions that should also kind of tip your tip you off to the idea that something's happening here.

Do you think that so-called or so coined? Financial abuse would be justification for a physical or legal separation. Can you can you tell me what a what financial abuse is? One spouse Using money Recklessly and lying about it to the other spouse for extended periods of time.

Yeah, so biblically the Bible says God hates divorce. He Permits divorce in cases where the covenant of marriage is being transgressed fully and finally. Right if the covenant is be one flesh then fully and finally in a positive way that could be transgressed by adultery, right?

Sleeping with another or Negatively by refusing to sleep with your spouse, right? Those are those are the only two things God hates divorce. I don't think we should come up with other categories beyond positively or negatively Transgressing the actual covenant of marriage because anything else is not Under those terms.

Now, obviously that's wrong and there are ways that that should be addressed. I certainly wouldn't suggest that There could be difficulties in marriage that wouldn't warrant divorce that. There may be many of those situations that do warrant some other kind of response, right.

If you're in a church. If you're in a biblical church Then ideally you could follow the steps of Matthew 18. If your brother sins against you go show him this fall if he doesn't listen. You go and you bring one or two others, right?

That's the next step according to Matthew 18. So and then after that you take it to the whole church, right? So there are biblical steps to address something that you might term financial abuse, right?

If someone's being reckless with their money that definitely be something that the Bible would forbid and Something that it would give you steps to follow in order to address it.

Children or I don't know, you know, that's a sound scary we wouldn't be able to leave if you really felt that your partner that you're married to was. Overspending to the extent that it can harm your family your home or your ability to provide for your kids.

That still wouldn't be a grounds to.

Okay. So what did what did first Peter 3 talk about about things that are frightening, right? Our response to things that are frightening should be not to fear. And that's what makes you a daughter of Sarah is to not fear those things that are frightening.

So no amount of something being scary is what warrants divorce. Okay, it would have to be. It would have to be something that is actually now you could imagine a situation where? There is actual physical violence, right?

And so what God would. What would be indicated by things like the sixth commandment says out on that murder which includes you watching out for your own self? That you would have to physically separate in order to get away from the situation.

You can imagine all kinds of things like that. But when we're talking about just things that are scary not an actual physical harm. No, that's not a that's not something that would warrant divorce. Physical harm.

If there is actual abuse in the home that has got to the physical level then separation is that would warrant separation.

And I could imagine a situation where it is so full and final and there's no repentance that it also implies a Failure to uphold the Covenant and being one flesh. So by way of implication, but it wouldn't even be the physical abuse itself that would warrant it.

It would be the implications of the physical abuse that would warrant it because the Covenant is to be one flesh. I was gonna say.

Are you saying or would you say that verbal abuse is like a subtype of emotional abuse or a separate entity of itself?

I think that most people are describing the same thing when they say verbal abuse or emotional abuse. It's just the implications of how you should respond are indicated by the term, right? So both of them user using the term abuse, which means that you're in real danger, right?

One of them is using verbal abuse. So it's talking more about the means. One of them's saying emotional. So it's talking more about the response and giving more legitimacy to the response. So I think verbal abuse is probably a better term, but both of them have the Capacity to be abused for lack of a better word.

Where they're where they're being used to suggest responses that aren't actually biblical, right. If you live in a. If you live in a society that's learned the word abuse to mean one thing. There's a certain response that you're supposed to take to abuse.

You know, you call the cops cetera, right all these things and someone starts slapping that label on a different kind of behavior. It implies what the responses should be to that different kind of behavior.

Have a couple questions. Yeah, one is you mentioned emotional butchers. Emotional abuse is kind of a catch-all for different types of abuse. Could you Help me understand what some of those facets of emotional of the emotional abuse umbrella are.

And secondly, have you Seen have they done studies on this terminology that you showed on the graph in terms of in terms of like. You know the use of it over time is has grown but have they done studies to show that and What are they In your research, what are they what have they found from that?

Just kind of wondering like kind of a background on this terminology. Yeah, so what's the okay?

So the first the first question was what are what are things that could be under the heading of emotional abuse? Well because emotional abuse is not talking about the behavior of the abuser. It's talking about the response of the one abused.

It could be anything right? Anything could be emotional abuse if someone is responding or irrationally about it, right? My wife was just telling me during the break a story about a husband who had got his child a Piano from a couple whose son had drowned.

And so every time the white the who saw the mother who saw this piano in her home always had memories about the. Or she she knew that that's the context of the piano, right? This came from a home where the child had drowned and she was really upset about this called the husband up said this I just can't handle this.

You can't do this to me. Like we have to get rid of this piano, right? So you could imagine she could say that's his emotional abuse that you got this piano for our son, right? Anything could be emotional abuse, right?

It doesn't even have to be words if you're focused on the response of the of the individual and not the thing itself. And that's that that's a danger of the term because it focuses subjectively on the response.

Now as far as studies, I don't I don't know what studies have done. But it you can just do your own research and seeing okay. This is this is the increase of the word Emotional abuse over time. There's a lot of psychologized language that is increasingly materialistic trying to steal away anything that would have to do with the soul and place it on the body and.

Moreover you look at divorce rates there. They've increased that's actually down right now, but that's because there's less marriage, right? So there's There's all kinds of things you could look at you could say what has been the impact of society on society.

You might not be able to tell perfectly what's causing what but you can tell what the spirit of the age is, right? The spirit of the age is to absolve people of responsibility rather than taking responsibility and addressing problems.

So I guess my question is how do we know? Ultimately whether we should keep enduring or not, and I think I'm talking in terms of a past relationship and I guess in general like. Something like a lot of I've heard like Young believers say that, you know men a man won't change, you know, unless he really wants to so I guess.

Yeah, it's like those two questions together. That makes sense. Like, how do you know?

How do you know if you should if you should actually leave a relationship? Yeah, so there's a lot of things to consider and there would be things such as your responsibilities in that particular relationship and then what is the level of the difficulty and What has God gifted me with in this situation a lot of things like that.

So for example, if you're married, well, you have a lot Different commitment. It's a much more significant commitment than if you're just dating someone, right? Part of the problem and I hope to address this in one of the months upcoming soon.

Part of the problem with the way a lot of people date is they form a mini marriage where they have some kind of claim over one another and Really identify with that and they feel a responsibility to maintain it when the Bible hasn't Authorized that kind of claim or jealousy of over over a relationship outside of marriage.

So if people feel that they a lot of times people will feel they have more of a responsibility than they do because they've made this little mini marriage and then people in marriages feel that they have less of a responsibility they do because they don't understand the nature of the covenant and they have to Uphold it Yeah for better for worse so so there might be things that you would consider as far as the Your responsibility your duty what your commitments are there also may be What God has gifted you with you can look at first Corinthians 13 what it says about love.

What would love do in this situation? Yeah, for example Love might say okay. I endure in other situations as you see in second Thessalonians Love doesn't just help someone who is being negligent love with withdrawal in order to make sure that they learn to take care of themselves.

You know, so there's different responses in different situations and you just have to yeah go to the word for that.

If I know that someone has hurt me I'm not even gonna use the word emotional abuse anymore. But if they hurt me with their words or their actions and I show them love and they still hurt me I guess I don't.

I don't really know what to do after that because I still feel hurt.

So, yeah, sure. So that's that's really beautiful that you recognize that God has transformed you and you you're in a special position to show love for your father in a way that the rest of your Family, it's not that's it's very beautiful.

So if he was physically abusive, but now the kind of danger you wouldn't be in any kind of physical danger around him or would you.

I would say when it gets to that point I leave sure, right?

And so that would be the right course of action, right? You're in physical danger. That's one thing. Okay. Yeah leave if We're talking about you may hurt your feelings. Well, that's something where you have to you know, consider these different Proverbs Work on your own self-control so that you can take offense.

But yeah, that that's not doesn't necessarily mean that you should simply Tolerate that in a way that would never respond such that you would Call his attention to his own need for repentance, right? If what you want for him is repentance, then maybe it would be hey dad.

You talked to me really cruelly Frequently, you know, God has saved me from such things. I would hope that you he would save you as well. You know, there's all kinds of things you could do and you know, maybe God would not call you to.

Yeah, there's there's different things the Lord could call you to so I don't want to without having a better understanding in the situation Speak to that, but I think it is a from what I hear. It's very admirable.

Unequally Yoked Relationships and God-Honoring Preparation for Marriage

Relationships with an unequally yoked person and what I mean by that is if I'm actively trying to seek the Lord and then the other person is kind of like lukewarm like they know the Lord. But they don't really know the Lord.

Can they change? Yes, they can change. I think this I would answer this question differently for a woman than I would for a man. If men are supposed to be spiritual leaders then them. Dating a woman who is not very mature in her relationship with the Lord is a very different situation than the reverse right.

Because If she is responsive to his leadership, he can lead her out of that. Right, whereas the other way around you you aren't given the same dynamic to work with. So I'd say it's more important for women to find Someone who is more mature than them in order to be able to be a spiritual leader as God has called them to be.

Yeah, so yes, they can change but don't don't plan on being able to change them if God hasn't given the means to do so.

Yeah, this is more of a general two-part question. What are some tangible ways in which Christian men and Christian women can Tangibly prepare to enter a God honoring relationship because our roles are ultimately different.

What does it look like in the dating phase and ultimately in marriage.

Yeah, so of course studying the Word of God is important. The question is how can you prepare for marriage? Right. So yes taking the Word of God is important. I also think that There are a lot of good conversations that you could have with potential spouse that would prepare you.

It might not be obvious what questions you should be asking. I think the answer to that is really community involvement. Titus 2 verse 4 says. And so train the young women to love their husband. Excuse me Let me start at 3 older women likewise would be irreverent in behavior not slanders or slave to much wine.

They are to teach what is good and so trained the young women to love their husbands and children. So the primary way that women are supposed to learn how to be good wives Right is by a lot of a lot of people think the best way to pursue marriage is just to hang around my peers and that Will get me ready because I will find the right person etc.