Marriage Myth: They Mean It When They Want Marriage

Today's myth is if someone says they want to get married, they mean it. Okay, so that's the myth. Fact, not everyone is honest with themselves or others. All right, so let me give you a couple of statistics.

The first one is that while over 70 of people who are in their early 20s say that they want to get married at some point in their life, only of 18 to 25 year olds, only 45 of men have ever asked a woman out and 75 of women have never expressed interest in being approached by a man.

Okay, so something's not adding up there. A lot of people want to get married. Few people are doing anything about it. Another statistic, 58 of adult singles would like to get married at some point.

57 are not looking at all at the current moment. So that means that of that statistic, there's 15 of people that say they want to get married, but aren't actually looking for anything. Okay, so there's something, something's not lining up there.

If you take that number, you know, 15 out of 55 that say that they want to get married, what that means is that 25 of people are lying through their teeth. People say they want to get married, but then do they really want to get married?

Jesus, when he, when he spoke to the paralytic or when the paralytic came to him, rather, when his friends carried him to Jesus, Jesus asked an important question. In John 5, 6, it says, when Jesus saw him lying there, he knew that he had already been there a long time.

And he said to him, do you want to be healed? Do you want to be healed? Now, if you don't stop and think about that question, it might not strike you as surprising as it should. What a crazy question to ask.

What kind of fool asks a paralytic if he wants to be healed? Of course he wants to be healed. The whole reason he's there is because he wants to be healed. But it is an important question to ask. It's not something that you can just assume that everybody who expresses some kind of desire for correction in their life truly wants it.

I don't know how many homeless people you've ever spoken to, but a common assumption that people have about homeless people is they all want to not be homeless. If you want, you can watch lots of videos of interviews with homeless people online.

Many of them, they say that they want to be housed, but then when they're offered something and they realize there's any strings attached, or it means that they would have to save up their money and couldn't spend it the second the check hits that month, et cetera, they're suddenly not all that interested.

And I say this, not just having watched videos online, I've experienced it myself where I've tried to help the homeless personally, even offering my own home, but any kind of rules or accountability rejected.

Can you say that someone truly wants to be housed if they're not willing to take any of the necessary steps to be housed? Similarly, you could talk about any kind of thing in life where there's competing desires, right?

A lot of people will say that they want a paycheck. You can imagine telling your boss, I want a paycheck, but if you're not showing up to work day after day after day, who's going to believe you? You don't really want a paycheck.

Sure, you want money, but you don't want it in the way that people mean that. So what does it mean if someone wants to be married? Well, you have to look at that thing and then decide what the appropriate level of desire and sacrifice would be.

Okay, if someone wants a paycheck, that means something different than someone who's just been offered a soda, right? There's different things that you mean when you say yes to one versus the other. There's a different kind of sacrifice or desire that people would consider appropriate because it's not just about what people consider to be appropriate.

There's something that God has built into creation that would be the appropriate desire for that thing. So it has to do with your beliefs and it has to do with your actions, your beliefs. Do you truly believe that marriage is good when you say you want to be married?

Or is it just like a kind of thing? Well, it's kind of a good thing. I would prefer it rather than not. Proverbs 18 .22 says, "'He who finds a wife finds a good thing "'and obtains favor from the Lord.'".

It is a good thing. Genesis 2 says, "'It's not good for man to be alone.'". Is that something you truly believe that it is not good for man to be alone? Or is it, well, it's about 50 -50 and maybe one's okay.

Paul says something about singleness being good. Well, he says something about singleness being good in the case of someone who's truly going to sacrifice their life for the Lord in special ways, as he is being an apostle who's planting churches.

That's very different than someone who's living a life kind of similar to everyone else, but as a single person. First Corinthians 7 even starts off by talking about how each person should have their own spouse.

Is that something you truly believe that each person should have their own spouse? Or when you say that you want to be married, do you mean something different? And consider the more drastic verses. Isaiah 4, 1, and seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, we will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes.

Only let us be called by your name. Take away our reproach. It's clear that the desire for marriage as expressed in the Bible by those who do not have it is something much more sincere than what a lot of people mean when they say they want to be married.

Now think also about the kind of sacrifice.

That people should take.

A lot of people, I'll hear them say that they want to be married, but then what kind of things are they willing to do? Are they actually willing to ask someone out or are they too afraid of rejection to ask someone out?

Are they willing to date someone who's long distance and see if it could possibly work out? Or is that not an option because, oh, that just seems too difficult and too hard. What kind of steps are people willing to take?

And does that reflect someone who truly believes that marriage is the good thing the Bible describes that it is? Maybe you're thinking to yourself about the kind of restrictions that you've put on your search for marriage.

I would only pursue marriage if it lines up with my desired convenience in these ways. Or are you willing to actually sacrifice for the good thing that God has spoken of in his word? So you need to have the right kind of belief and the right kind of sacrifice.

That is the appropriate level of desire for the thing. That's true of anything, whether it be a paycheck, whether it be something small, something great, you have to have an appropriate belief that that thing is as good as it's supposed to be and willing to sacrifice for it at the level that you should sacrifice for it.

And marriage is an incredibly good thing that requires significant sacrifice or that would be appropriate for. Some things that people do as they are saying that they desire to be married, but they're not actually pursuing it.

A lot of times there's justification that's going on. Luke 10, 29, but he desiring to justify himself said to Jesus, and who is my neighbor? So here's a man who wants to justify himself. He wants to say that he's obeying the law sufficiently.

And so what does he ask? He asks, what is the minimum thing that I need to do? Who is my neighbor? Who do I have to love and then make sure that I'm doing that and then don't have to do anything else?

This is what a lot of people are looking for. And I've seen this in when people talk to me and they describe their difficulties for pursuing marriage. A lot of time what's going on, because I'll give advice after piece of advice, after piece of advice, they'll get rejected and rejected and rejected as being too hard.

After a while it'll dawn on me, oh, what's going on is this person's not really looking for help. They're just looking to justify themselves. That was that person who went to Jesus and said, now who is my neighbor?

What's the minimum that I have to do? And if everything is too difficult, then someone is not really looking for help. They're looking for self-justification. Now, a lot of times people will express fears as well as sufficient excuses.

On one hand, there's the positive. I think I've done enough. On the other hand, there's the negative that, oh, these things would be too difficult for me. Luke 19, 21, man with the Mina that he was entrusted with.

For I was afraid of you because you are a severe man. You take what you did not deposit and reap what you did not sow. This is frequently an excuse for failure to, failure to fulfill God's commands. Proverbs 22, 13, the sluggard says, there's a lion outside, I shall be killed in the streets.

It's how many people think about things like rejection. Oh no, that's just too difficult. That would set me back. I would not be able to function at my day job or I just got out of something difficult and I need a good break.

I need a rest. Maybe that rest is gonna take me a couple of months in order that I'm back in a mental space where I'll be able to do what the Lord's called me to. People have all kinds of things that they'll say.

There's a lion outside, I'll be killed in the streets. I'll be killed in the streets if I treat this thing as valuable as scripture says it is. Proverbs 26, 16, just to round it off. The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes and seven men who can answer discreetly.

All right, so what should you do? Very simply, you should cultivate the right kinds of desires. Why should you do this? Well, because it is out of that cultivation of the right kinds of desires that you will be brought to the right actions that will lead you to the right place.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. Jesus says out of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? If you have the right kind of desires, then out of those desires, you're going to be doing the right thing that will lead you to the right place where God would have you.

Now that doesn't mean that there's success guaranteed in all the ways that you would imagine it for every single individual, but in general, the Lord blesses obedience in that particular way of one pursuing marriage, receiving it.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. A lot of advice around dealing with singleness and pursuing marriage ends up essentially being advice to mortify good desires. I don't know how many times you all have heard that, but basically people saying, oh yeah, just be patient.

And what they mean by be patient is not pray without anxiety to the Lord. What they mean is stop wanting marriage. And they'll even tell you things, it was when I stopped looking, it was when I stopped wanting, it was when I stopped trying at all.

That's when God brought me someone. Such a common thing that people say, but what are they telling you to do biblically? They're telling you to abandon the pursuit that God has given you. Stop thinking that the good thing is a good thing.

It'll be easier that way. Just abandon that. And maybe your passive romantic approach will lead you to some success. That's not how people treat anything else that the Lord gives them in their life. If they are to work diligently with their hands that they might have to give to those in need.

It's not, well, maybe if I sit here and don't think about it, then that'll be brought to me. No, that's something you have to work for. That's the whole point of the passage. Cultivate the right desires.

You cultivate the right desires in part by believing the right things. Go to the Bible, see what it says about marriage. Don't just assume that because you've been around a church for some time or grew up in a Christian home that you necessarily even have the right idea.

Go look at all the passages where the Bible speaks about marriage and really sink those into your heart because it speaks of it much better than our culture does. And I would argue much better than even the standard evangelical culture, which is necessarily affected by the world.

That's just how things work. The church never remains completely untouched by cultural things because we are people who though we are not supposed to be of the world are in the world and it does touch us frequently.

Marriage is not just a good-ish thing. It is a very good thing and make sacrifices. The Bible describes the way that you deal with sin in your life in Ephesians four and Ephesians five is putting off and putting on.

So it describes the thief should not just stop stealing. The thief should start working with his hands so he might share with those in need.

Is that my own phone?

Okay, sorry. So you might share with those in need. It is not, you don't just cultivate the right kind of desires by inaction. You have to cultivate the right desires by action as well.

So what do you do?

You start making sacrifices. Now that might mean for many of you putting career advancement on hold while you figure out the season of your life so that you can begin to establish foundations in order to build up a home, et cetera.

And for some of you, I'll go even further. It may mean even abandoning the career path that you're on. I know many women desire to be homemakers, desire to be a helper for a husband, but they're spending the majority of their effort on plan B, which is the career just in case the husband doesn't work out.

That's not a good strategy to spend the majority of your time investing in plan B when what you really want is plan A. It means the kind of sacrifice where you have to be willing to be rejected by people.

You have to be willing to face rejection, not give yourself a week or a month or a year break every time you face a rejection because you can't handle it and you've adopted some kind of trauma psychology where you think that that's actually doing harm to your body to face rejection.

That's not how that works, right? The brain is not such that whenever time you face rejection, you're being traumatized and you're being crushed in ways that you're really harmed. Jesus said that you can take everything to the Lord.

Jesus said that you should not be anxious for anything. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. He has given you all that you need. You don't need to come up with reasons to avoid the, that to try to protect yourself in ways that he has not told you to protect yourself.

And for women, that means expressing interest in ways that may not be reciprocated. You know, Ruth expressed interest by putting herself in Boaz's field. It's not just her waiting for Boaz to come to her.

She expressed interest. It may mean looking online. I know a lot of people say they very much wanna get married. They don't know why it's working out, but then I'll ask if they've used any kind of online resources.

And I know not every dating app's a good app. I'm not recommending just any dating app, but there are some okay ones. And a lot of people will say, oh no, that's just my experience hasn't been good with that.

Well, then what are you doing? What are you doing? It may mean investing in a distance relationship to see whether or not that could pan out. Don't just assume that that's going to be too difficult. Relationships don't have to be long.

Now, everyone here is an adult. Everyone here can figure out what they're looking for. It doesn't have to take years to figure out. It doesn't even have to take a single year to figure out. Doesn't even have to take half a year, honestly.

If you are intentional about talking to someone to see what it is that, what your view of the home is, what your view of marriage is, it can be something where very quickly you're able to figure out whether or not you would want to marry each other.

And so there's no reason to avoid a more long distance relationship because it wouldn't even be a long thing. Might be long distance, but not long time. And it also means asking for help. You should be asking for people to pray for you.

You should be asking for people to look for you. A lot of people are embarrassed to ask their church family for any kind of help or to ask them for recommendations. Don't do that. If you want to get married, make the kind of sacrifices, do the quote unquote embarrassing things that someone does if he really wants that thing.

Now, if you want a pearl that's hidden in the field, you go and you buy the field. If you really want something, you will be willing to embarrass yourself in the world's eyes for that thing. So it is with living in a world that does not value marriage the way it should.

If everyone thinks you're weird for asking them for their prayer all the time, asking them for help, finding someone, et cetera, if they think that's weird, they're the weird ones because the Bible says that this is so good that someone should be willing to seek help, prayer, whatever is needed.

In summary, marriage in Genesis 1 and 2 is the crowning gem of all creation. After day one, day two, day three, day four, day five, day six, what is the final thing in the middle of day six that God does that brings it all together?

It's not good before and then it is good after, marriage. It is the crowning gem of all creation. Creation is this stage, this platform for marriage to be that crowning gem. And then what about the new creation?

The new creation that Christ has made? What is the crowning state, the crowning gem of the whole project? He has made a people for himself. He has betrothed his son to that people. And on that last day, there will be a marriage feast.

It is the crowning gem of the new creation. Does your view of marriage line up with that? Does your pursuit of marriage line up with a claim that you value that the way that it should be valued? If someone says they want to get married, they don't necessarily mean it, but you should, and I hope you would.

Amen.

Let me pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for your word. We thank you for the gift of marriage. We ask that you would help everyone in here to value those things that you have made valuable and to pursue them the way we ought.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Okay.

Oh, that's your answer to the question? Okay, that's your answer to number two? Just not a perfect personality match?

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of people are looking for something they're never gonna find.

And you have to, you have to,.

Like this is one of my rules for marriage. You have to want it enough that you're willing to, you know, some people want that perfect person more than they actually want marriage, right? And you have to want marriage a lot that you're gonna be willing to have a not perfect person.

You're not perfect person. If everybody's shooting for someone that's like a more desirable person than themselves, no one's ever gonna get married. And that's kind of what's happening right now. You look around and you see the way people talk about it.

Seems like everybody's aiming for something they can't have, right? I'll have to think about what it is that I said. Maybe if I heard the phrase, some ideas would come to mind of what I had in mind then.

But yeah, a lot of people are looking for, marriage is a wonderful thing. It's more blessed to give than to receive. That's kind of part of the beauty of marriage is two people come together and become more than the sum of their parts.

And they do so by giving to each other in special ways. The man in loving his wife is giving in a special way also. But a lot of people are just primarily looking for what they can get. And this is how people approach a lot of things.

People approach church life this way, right? They're looking for what's this church gonna give me, not how can I best serve the Lord and where are my gifts going to be best used? And maybe some questions about my needs and how they can be met, et cetera.

Most people are primarily thinking only consumeristically. One of the more exciting things in marriage, and I would say, especially for the man, is to be able to give in a particular way. You'll find that men are not particularly attracted to women who are very successful in a career sense because they don't really have anything to offer them.

It's not that they're intimidated by them. It's that they don't have a lot to offer them. So there's nothing exciting about it. But anyway, if you pursue marriage that way, where you're primarily thinking about what you're going to get and not excited about the role God has for you in giving, it's going to change your desires, your level of desire.

Yeah, I think there's gonna be a lot of varied application depending on who you are and what your background is and what kind of stability you have to fall back on. Some people know, like, okay, my parents, I could live in the house two more years longer.

My parents would be up for that, and I could spend the whole time just really trying to explore marriage options, et cetera. Right, so that could be an example. Yeah, it could be that I, like the excuse that I'm making right now, and maybe it's excuse, maybe it's a real thing, is that I don't have time to go on dates.

A lot of people will say that kind of thing, I don't have time to go on dates. Well, maybe get a part-time job instead of a full-time job, especially if your end goal is not career advancement anyway.

Maybe that could work out for you. There's, yeah, there's a lot of varied applications. And you'd have to ask, what is it that I have to fall back on and, yeah, what are my, yeah, what's the, not value proposition, what's the, there's a game theory term about the expected outcome.

So you kind of put those in play, and you ask yourself, what is strategically gonna work out best for me here? I did, one of the messages here was on that in particular. I forget what it was called. It was called something like marriage should be your, I don't know, marriage should be like a small pursuit on the side or something like that.

I forgot what the myth was. Oh, yeah, like, yeah, yeah, taking marriage seriously is idolatrous, or, yeah, caring a lot about marriage is an idol. I think that's what the message is called if you look it up on our website, yeah.