The Glorious Calling of the Husband in Marriage (Dutch) — Zac Poonen

Satan's Attacks on Marriage and God's Standards

Precious in the kingdom of God, Satan attacks. If you look at the things that Satan attacks, you know the things that are most valuable in God's kingdom. If you see the things that Satan counterfeits, also you know the things that are valuable in God's kingdom.

We know there are a lot of counterfeit gifts of the Holy Spirit. That means the original gifts of the Holy Spirit must be very valuable. And in the last fifty to a hundred years, there has been a massive attack by Satan on marriages in Christianity.

About a hundred years ago, divorce was almost unheard of in Christendom. But now it has become so common that it's accepted. Even people are in the Christian ministry who are divorced. The standards of God's word have been thrown away.

And the Bible says that if a man cannot bring up his own children, how can he take care of God's church? Even that standard is thrown away. So it looks as if Christians have gradually rejected God's word.

And that is one of the reasons why there has been a decline in the standards of Christianity in every church. And if you are serious about knowing God's purpose for this particular time, it is to restore those standards that have been lost in Christianity.

The standards of godliness in our personal life, the standard of husband-wife relationships in our family life, and the standards that we need to establish in our homes for raising our children. It's only then that we can build a church as God wants it to be built.

God's Love as the Foundation of the Christian Life

We can say that building a church is like building a three-story building. The foundation is the most important of every building. And the foundation for building the church is the perfect love that God has for us.

The unconditional love of God. If we are not rooted and grounded in that love, we'll never be able to do God's work. We'll never be able to live a holy life if we are not rooted and grounded in that love of God for us.

I find many Christians living under condemnation, and discouragement, and depression. And always the reason is, they are not sure that God loves them. And I'll tell you something, if you are not absolutely sure of God's unconditional love for you, you will find it very difficult to love your wife.

You'll find it very difficult to love other people. If you have difficulty loving your wife, it's like you've got a crack in the second floor. The reason is some problem in the foundation. A good engineer looking at a crack in the wall will say, hey, there's something wrong with the foundation.

The three stories are like this. On this foundation of God's perfect love for us, the first story is our personal walk of holiness with God. You can't build anything unless you build that first. Then on top of that, you build the second story.

That is if you're married, your family life. On top of that, we build the church, the third story. Now there are a few cases like Paul who are called to a single life, but they are rare. At least 98 of Christians are called to a married life.

There may be a 2 who are called to a single life by God, but for most of us, the second story is our family life. You can't build a third story if you haven't built a second story. And you can't build a second story if you haven't built the first story.

And you can't build the first story unless you've got the foundation. There are so many people today, Christians, who've got no foundation, no first story, no second story, and they're trying to build the third story, the church.

No wonder the whole thing collapses. Of course it'll collapse if you don't have a foundation and two stories underneath. I found it very easy to love people when I first understood how much God loved me.

Forgiveness and Taking the First Step Toward Reconciliation

When people tell me that they find it difficult to forgive somebody, I say, think how much God forgave you. Many husbands find it difficult to forgive their wives. Why? They've forgotten how much God forgave them.

Oh, they've never even thought how much God forgave them. We can sing, amazing grace, how good the sound that saved a wretch like me. But in your relationship with your wife, you may forget that you're a wretch who was saved by God.

We forget that we were wretches, and then it's very difficult to forgive a wife. I've often asked people this question, when a husband and wife have a tension, or a difficulty, or something come between them, who, between the two, should take the first step to reconcile?

What do you think is the answer? Well, it's very easy to find the answer. When God and man had a problem, a break in relationship, who took the first step to restore that relationship? Was it man or was it God?

It was God. Why? Because he was more spiritual. So in a tension, who should take the first step to restore relationship? The one who is more spiritual. The one who is supposed to be the head. So if you are the head of your wife, like God is our head, and he took the first step to restore relationship with us, you have to take the first step as the head of the home to restore relationship with your wife.

But if you stand on your dignity and say, I am the head, then how can I stoop to ask restore relationship? She must come and ask forgiveness from me. Then you are behaving not like God, but like some human dictator.

The Husband's Headship as Leadership and Care

And many Christian husbands have got a wrong understanding of what it means to be the head of the home. The Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife. That means he must be the leader. But it also means that he must be very sensitive to the wife's needs.

So let me talk about both of these things. First I'll talk about being sensitive to a wife's needs, and then I'll talk about leadership. See, the head is, I mean, when he talks about the head, he's talking about the brain that controls the whole body.

The Bible says very clearly that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. We know that very well-known passage in Ephesians chapter 5. Let me turn there, Ephesians chapter 5, and then I'll talk about leadership.

Here, first of all, there is an exhortation to the wife. And very often husbands make a mistake here. As I've been stressing these days, let's read the Bible slowly. And when you read the Bible slowly, you will discover certain things that you never saw in the last 25 years.

I love to show people things in the Bible they've never seen in all their life. And now, today, I will show you something from Ephesians 5, which many of you have never seen in your whole life. In Ephesians 5, verse 22 to 33, where does it tell a husband, you are the head of your wife?

Listen to my question. Where does it tell the husband, you are the head of your wife? Please read carefully and see if it says anywhere there. I don't find it anywhere. Nowhere. So where did husbands get this idea from?

You say, oh, it's written in verse 23. No, no, no, no, no. That is written for wives. Please be careful. Verse 22 says, wives, be subject to your husbands because the husband is the head of the wife. Let me ask you a question.

Do you read letters written to somebody else? Would you open a letter which is addressed to somebody else? I hope not. If you're a Christian, you don't read other people's letters. If God writes something to your wife, you shouldn't be opening it.

So a wholehearted husband, when he reads Ephesians 5, 22 to 24, he says, that's not for me, that's for somebody else's letter. Let me go on to what God's writing to me. Have you ever seen the Bible like that?

That's what I say. When you read the Bible slowly, you discover amazing things you never even knew were there. In fact, most husbands in the world prefer to meditate on verse 23 than all the other things written for them.

They are reading a letter that God wrote to somebody else. I've been married for 41 years. And I'm very happy married for 41 years. I have four sons who are all following Jesus. They're all married, wholehearted girls who also want to follow Jesus.

And they're all seeking also to serve the Lord and build local churches. But I have never gone to my wife and said to her, I'm the head of this house, you better listen to me. That's not my business. Have you ever heard Jesus come to you and say, listen, I'm your head, you better listen to me?

He doesn't talk to us like that. How did Jesus win your heart? We are the bride of Christ. Like our wife is, we are husband to our wife, Christ is our husband. I know how Jesus won my heart. He won my heart so thoroughly that I'd do anything in the world for Him.

It was never by coming to me and saying, I'm your head, you better listen to me. It was by loving me, forgiving me, serving me, being long-suffering with me, being patient with me, overlooking my faults.

And even when I slipped up so many times, forgiving me, there's a song in English which says, Jesus looked beyond my faults and He saw my need. I like that. He didn't look at my faults, He looked beyond my faults and saw my need.

Many a time when your wife is in a bad mood, look beyond her faults and see her need just like Jesus saw your need. That is how a husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church. It says here that the husband must care for his wife, verse 28, just like he cares for his own body.

Verse 28, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. So what does it mean to love my own body? You know, that's what the head does. I'll give you an example.

If a small mosquito comes and sits on my hand, just a little bite, you know what, my head gets a signal immediately. It doesn't take five minutes for the head to realize that one mosquito is sitting there.

It's immediate. And immediately the head sends a signal to the other hand to strike it off. Or if an insect is crawling on your hand, immediately the head senses it. Or if your hand is injured, immediately the head senses it.

And immediately the head says, we got to do something, we got to wash it, put some medicine on it. That is what it means to be the head of your wife. To be sensitive to when she's hurt. To be sensitive to her feelings and her pains and struggles.

Do you want to be the head? Be the type of head in your body. Your brain cares so much for your body. I mean, it's caring for your body all the time. The body says, I'm hungry now. And the brain begins to act and say, okay, let's go get some food now.

Or the body says, I'd like a cup of coffee or a cup of tea now. And the brain says, okay, let's find out where is the cup of tea and coffee for the body, let's go and get it. The brain is all the time working to see how to take care of this body.

That is an aspect of the headship of the husband, which very few husbands think about. Many husbands only think, I'm the head means I am the king here. I'll come to that in a minute. I'm not neglecting it.

Sensitivity as the First Leg of Husbandly Headship

But I think there are two things. The head is sensitive to the needs of the wife and then the head can be the leader of the wife. You know, these are like two legs we stand on. It's very difficult to stand on one leg for too long.

We need both legs. And the reason why so many husbands are unstable is because they're only standing on one leg. That means I'm the king in the house. You keep emphasizing that. But there's another leg God has given us.

And that is how the head is sensitive, the brain is sensitive to every need in the body. Maybe when you perspire and you're dirty, the head says, hey, the body needs a shower. Every need in the body. When the body is tired, the head says, okay, the body needs to sleep now.

I mean, this is how a husband must be. My wife is tired now. She needs a little rest. And maybe she's so tired that I should not pressurize her to have sex with me now. Because she's tired today. See, this is being sensitive.

And I tell you, you'll have a wonderful relationship if you build up this leg of yours. And I'll tell you, you'll have a wonderful relationship with your wife if you develop this leg. And not only a wonderful relationship with your wife, but also a wonderful relationship with God.

Peter's Teaching on Understanding One's Wife

In 1 Peter 3, what I'm telling you is written in Scripture. See, Peter was a married man. Paul, who wrote Ephesians, was not a married man. Peter, writing about husbands, is a married man. So he's writing from experience.

Paul was not writing from experience. Now, what does Peter say as an experienced husband? And what does Peter say as an experienced husband? Maybe Peter was about 60 years old when he wrote this letter.

He was already married when the Lord Jesus came. He was such a good husband that he even allowed his mother-in-law to stay at his house. Not many husbands would permit that. Peter was a good man. God chooses good people to be his apostles.

But he was a man who was very considerate to his wife. Maybe his wife was the only daughter of her mother. Maybe her father had died. There was nobody to care for the mother. We face many situations like that in India.

And so Peter said, yeah, sure, let your mom come and stay with us. And he says here in 1 Peter 3, 7, and you know this man is speaking from his life. You husbands live with your wives in an understanding way as with a weaker vessel.

Now supposing something very small happens in the house, something goes wrong. And your wife is very upset. And you say, who's bothered about this small thing? It's not because you are more spiritual than your wife.

It's because you're a man and she's a woman. And if you can lift 50 kilos and your wife can only lift 20 kilos, what does it prove? It proves you're a man and she's a woman, that's all. Nothing else. In the same way, if you can bear a greater burden and she can't bear so much, it just proves she's a woman, that's all.

But sometimes we don't think that. We expect our wives to be as strong as we are. They're not. They cry more easily. A few cents lost somewhere disturbs them. Where men are not bothered even if we lost a few euros.

That's not because you love money less than her. But it's because women's nature is made like that that they are made sensitive to small things. They need that nature because they are created to be mothers.

That's why when a small baby cries, you as a husband don't even know why the baby is crying, but the mother knows immediately. I know that from my experience. I had four babies at home. And when they cried, I didn't know why they were crying.

But my wife knew. I didn't know. So, when a baby is crying, God has made the woman in such a way that she has to be sensitive to the babies. And that affects her whole nature. She's sensitive in everything.

That's why they cry so easily. That's why they are worried about small, small things which don't even bother us men. It's got nothing to do with spirituality. That has nothing to do with being spiritual.

So, every illusion that you have, maybe, that you are more spiritual than your wife, I want to puncture that balloon and bring it down to earth. It's just because she's a woman. And if you are really spiritual, you will understand that.

If you don't understand that, then you are not spiritual. So, it says here, live with your wife in an understanding way. Understanding what? That she is a weaker vessel. That's what it says here. So, a spiritual husband is one who recognizes that she is a weaker vessel.

Humility, Example, and Shepherd-Like Leadership

You know, just like you look at a little child and you say, hey, that child is weaker than me. And so, you help that child when he's trying to do something which he can't do alone. It's the same with a woman.

To be understanding and considerate. Thoughtful about the other person. That's what it says here. I never realized what a selfish person I was until I got married. When I was single, I thought I was very spiritual.

Then I got married and I discovered I was not so spiritual. One of the blessings we get through getting married, we come down to earth. We float around in the heavens when we are single, thinking we are very spiritual and holy.

And then you get married and you come down to earth and realize you're not so spiritual after all. That's what I found and it was very good for me. It's good for us to humble ourselves and have a sober estimate of ourselves.

There is tremendous amount of selfishness in all of us. But you say, isn't there selfishness in the women too? Of course there is. How shall we get rid of that? By being an example. You know, Jesus spoke about the shepherd and the hireling.

And where does the shepherd go? The shepherd always goes in front of the sheep. I live in a part of Bangalore city where very often sheep are driven down the roads to be slaughtered in the slaughterhouse for meat.

And I see a man driving 50, 60 sheep down the road to the slaughterhouse. And he's always behind them with a stick. I know, that's not a shepherd. That fellow is not leading the sheep to green pastures.

He is pushing the sheep to be killed. So whenever I see a husband behind his wife pushing her this way, that way, do this, do that. He's not a shepherd. He is pushing her to be killed somewhere. He's not wanting to be crucified himself, he wants her to be crucified.

The good shepherd goes in front of the sheep. We are to love our wives like Christ loved the church. I've been a Christian for 50 years. Jesus never came once behind me and pushed me and said, come on, move.

Not even when I was lazy or sluggish or backsliding. He always drew me by example. He said, follow me. He never said, come on, move forward. That's the sergeants in the military who say that. Jesus is not a sergeant in the military.

He's a shepherd. I tell you, many husbands are military sergeants more than shepherds. Do you feel your wife is not wholehearted? Be an example. And let her follow you. Be a good shepherd. And say, follow me as I follow Christ.

And if it takes a little time for her to follow, be patient. Think how long it took for you to follow Christ. Think how slow you have been to be wholehearted. Then you can be patient with her. And if she keeps making mistakes, forgive her.

Because Christ has forgiven you so much. And another way to live in an understanding way with your wife, it's all in verse 7. Written by a married man who is writing from his experience of 30 years of married life.

First of all, recognize she's a weaker vessel. Secondly, give her honor as an equal heir to your wife. Give her honor as an equal heir of the grace of life. To live in an understanding way with my wife means I give her honor.

As a queen who sits with me as the king on the same throne. No, she's not Peter is not saying that she's the queen and you're a slave. The husband is not to be a slave of the wife. Yeah, there are some husbands like that.

That is not Christian marriage. No, the husband must be the king in the home. But he must treat his wife like a queen and not a slave. So don't let the wife boss you and rule you but treat her like a queen.

That's the meaning of this verse. Fellow heirs of the grace of life. Now, if you don't live in an understanding way with your wife, the Bible says that when you pray, God will not hear you. It says that in that verse.

Marriage and the Hindrance of Unanswered Prayer

7 When you try to pray, your prayers will be blocked. Is it so important that I should live in an understanding way with my wife? For God, it is so important that he says, I won't even listen to your prayer if you don't do that.

I mean, if you, if God doesn't listen to your prayers, you're going to be a useless Christian. And I believe that's why many Christian men are useless Christians. We cannot live if God doesn't answer our prayer.

If you think you can live on earth as a Christian without answered prayer, you've got to be crazy in your head. Do you know what it means for a Christian to live on earth without answered prayer? Do you know what it means for prayers not being heard by God?

That means you dial God's number on the telephone and God says, I'm not going to pick up that phone. See, prayer is like telephoning God. God, I've got a problem. It's ringing, ringing, ringing. He's not picking it up.

Because God sees the caller ID and says, oh, it's always that person. He doesn't live in an understanding way with his wife. Let the phone ring. Do you feel that your prayers are not answered for that reason?

Many Christians have got so used to the fact that their prayers are not answered. They've accepted it but it's normal to get prayers answered. I'm not saying God will give us everything. Sometimes God's answer is no.

But I know as a father when my children come and talk to me, I reply. I may say sometimes, no, my son, I can't give you that. But I will answer. Answer maybe yes or no or wait. But if there's no answer, that's like my son ringing me up from a long distance and I don't even pick up the phone.

Why wouldn't I pick up the phone when my son is ringing me? It's a very serious thing. Why doesn't God pick up the phone when you telephone and say, it says here the phone line is cut. Why is it cut? Because you did not live in an understanding way with your wife.

Do you see how important this is? This is a married man. This is not theory. This is Peter who's married for 30 years who's writing this. He's no doubt writing from his own experience. Recognize your wife is weaker.

Don't look down on her. Be a leader. Say, follow me. Don't push her. Let her grow at her own pace. You know, the Bible says that sometimes something may be a sin for you but not a sin for another person.

Romans 14 and Differences in Conscience

Many people don't understand that. The same thing can be a sin for you but not a sin for another person. You know that the Bible says that? Let me show you. Romans chapter 14. This is one of the great chapters that husbands and wives need to recognize.

This is called The Bible. This is concerning eating food offered to idols. It says when your conscience troubles you that about this meat is offered to idols I shouldn't eat it. Another brother his conscience doesn't trouble him.

He says, what is an idol? It's just a block of wood. He eats it but you don't eat it. In those days all the meat was first hung up in the idol temple and then sold in the market. So if you had a problem with food offered to idols you would be a vegetarian.

Another Christian would say what is that idol? It's just a block of wood somebody has made the man's face there. It's not a god. So what if they hang up the meat before a block of wood? For me I have only one God, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm going to eat it. And it says one verse 23 if you have a doubt in your heart when you're eating that meat then you're not eating from faith and then it is sin. So you eat with a bad conscience it is sin.

The other brother eats the same meat and it's not sin. Verse 22 last part happy is the one who does not condemn himself in what he approves. So here is the same thing being done by two brothers. One brother praises the Lord and it's not a sin for him.

Another brother feels uneasy about it and it's a sin for him. Because whatever is not from faith is sin. So what I'm trying to say is that it all depends on the measure of light we have. There are two types of sin in our life.

One is conscious sin and the other is unconscious sin. Unconscious sin is the part of a sin which we don't understand. I may be doing something wrong and I don't know it's wrong. But if you know it's wrong and you do it that's more serious.

You know, if I deliberately stamp my brother's foot that's a sin. Conscious sin. But if I accidentally step back and step on his foot he still feels the pain but it is not a conscious sin. There is a difference between the two.

So where some area we have light what we do wrong is conscious. If another person doesn't have light on it it's not conscious sin. And God ignores it. After the person grows up a little bit they may realize it's sin.

Different Levels of Spiritual Growth in Marriage

Now how does this help us in married life? There may be some things in the home which I feel I can't do because it disturbs my conscience. But maybe my wife doesn't have that light. She feels it's perfectly alright to do it with a clear conscience.

It is not sin for her. All husbands must recognize that. That something which is sin for you may not be sin for her. So don't judge her. That's what the Bible says don't judge. In the Christian life is a life of growth.

When we are born again it's like joining the kindergarten in school. We should grow every year. First grade, second grade, third grade all the way to high school and college and we can go to PhD in Christian life.

Yeah, we can do that. But supposing you have two children one is in the sixth grade and one is in the first grade. Obviously the person in the sixth grade knows many things in mathematics and the person in the first grade doesn't know all those things.

So if the person in the sixth grade despises the person in the first grade saying you don't know all these things Who is the fool there? Oh, definitely the older boy. He's a fool. You're in the sixth grade.

Naturally you will know more than somebody in the first grade. See, that's what we must recognize in husband-wife relationships. Maybe God has given you more light in some areas. Maybe she hasn't come up to your grade in school spiritually.

So don't expect her to see those things so clearly as you see it. Give her time. In five years she'll also come to the sixth grade and understand it. But if you expect her to be in the same grade as you then you're the fool.

See, I'm nearly 70 years old. If I expect my 30-year-old son to have the wisdom I have who is the fool? He or me? I'm the fool. Do you understand that? That people in the not only our wives but even other believers are at different levels in their Christian life.

And if you understand that you will not judge people. Because when you see somebody doing something I'm not talking about obvious sins like murder, adultery which everybody knows is wrong. I'm talking about so many other areas where we don't all have the same light.

There can be differing opinions on how we should do this or how we should do that. Maybe you plan to go on a picnic and there are different opinions between husband and wife how we should do these things.

This has got nothing to do with sin. It's got to do with how each person was brought up in their own home. For example someone who's brought up in a rich home where they had plenty of money they could spend as they like.

Maybe your wife was brought up in a very poor home and had to be very careful with expenditure. You may think you're very generous and she's very stingy. No. It's just that you were brought up in a richer home and she was brought up in a poor home.

Or it could be the other way. Maybe she was brought up in a rich home and you grew up in a poor home where you had to be very careful with money. And you may think oh she's very careless with all her expenditure.

No. She spent 20 years or 25 years living that way and you're trying to change her in one year. See we are so foolish sometimes. It can work both ways. You say well doesn't the wife also need to recognize that?

Of course. But you've got to be the leader and show her the way. If you want her to be patient you've got to show her how to be patient with her. The body doesn't control the head. The head must control the body.

Leadership, Genesis, and Adam's Failure

The sheep doesn't go in front and show the shepherd the way. So this is what it means to be sensitive as a head to the needs of the wife. Now I want to speak about the other leg. The other leg is the head is also the one who controls the body.

The hand doesn't tell the head what to do. The head tells the hand to do what is best for the body. So the husband is like Christ in the church the leader in the home. And God has given him that position.

Let's turn to Genesis chapter 3 and you see the beginning of sin in the world. How did sin begin in the world? You say because a woman ate from the fruit which was forbidden. Yeah, in one sense that is true.

But I want you to see it in another way. Sin came into the world because a man did not stop his wife from listening to the devil. The woman ate from the fruit which was forbidden. Have you ever seen it that way?

Where was Adam when Eve and the devil were having this conversation? Was he wandering around somewhere else in the garden? No. They were walking hand in hand. They were happy. They were I can't imagine Adam wandering away from a newly married wife.

They walked towards the tree of knowledge and Adam as the head of his home should have immediately said darling let's not go here let's go that direction. That's where the failure began. Why did he go and stand in front of that tree He heard God directly saying don't ever touch that.

As far as we know it was God told only Adam that and Adam told his wife what God said. Can you read that in Genesis 2 .16 that God gave that command about not eating from the tree of knowledge to Adam before Eve was created.

So Adam heard it and he told his wife you know God has told us not to eat from this tree. So when they wandered in the garden and came near that tree as the head as the one who heard God directly should have told his wife hey Eve we shouldn't be here let's get away from here.

This is a thing which God has told us not to eat if we stand around here we'll be tempted. Adam failed that's why sin came sometimes a husband fails and that's why the woman sins. Afterwards you can blame the wife like Adam yeah this woman took the fruit and gave it to me but Adam should have said I made a mistake by stopping there in front of the tree when I should have moved on.

See we don't see our own fault easily we see the fault our wife made but go behind that fault and ask yourself did you make some fault which made her make that sin? The bible says let every man examine himself and you may discover that behind that there may have been reason why she fell.

One day maybe you find your wife very discouraged and gloomy and because of that she gets upset and you say why are you so upset? Why are you so gloomy? Yeah it's easy to find fault. It may be because in the previous days you never had any fellowship with her you were so busy with the newspaper or the computer or your work and all that that you had no time to encourage your wife and you don't see that as the fault that you're supposed to encourage your wife every day and you never did it and then you get upset with her because one day she is moody or angry but you don't go behind that and say well maybe I should have encouraged her the last few days like Adam never saw his fault and not moving on from that tree.

It says in Genesis 3 verse 6 that the last part her husband was with her right next to her. He was standing right next to her. So close now picture this in your mind. Adam and Eve come to the tree. First mistake.

Adam doesn't say let's move on. Now you see the second mistake. There's a serpent in that tree and oh the devil is clever. He knows if I talk to Adam I may not succeed. So let me talk to the wife. And so the devil talks to Eve.

Adam should have been alert. Hey this is dangerous. Somebody is telling my wife to eat from this tree. He should have grabbed his wife and said let's go. He didn't do it. He did not take his place as the head of the home.

That's the second leg. You got to be the head of your home. You got to lead your wife away from danger not just rule her and tell her what to do. Lead her away from sin. And he just watched this conversation going on.

Oh the devil is saying this. My wife is saying this. The devil is saying this to lead the whole human race away from God. Was it Eve's fault to take the fruit. Yes. But it was Adam's fault that he didn't stop her as the head.

And then she gives it to him like a fool. He also eats. I've often wondered why did Adam eat that fruit. I think this is the reason. If I refuse my wife will get upset. So for the sake of peace in the home let's let me do what my wife says.