Family Series Part 1 (Adolescence and Obedience) — Paul Washer

Ephesians 6 and the Responsibilities of Children

Let's open up our Bible to the book of Ephesians, the book of Ephesians chapter 6. In the past few weeks, I have been speaking on the responsibility of fathers and mothers to teach the children. Now we're going to be looking at some of the things regarding the children.

We're going to kind of make a general course of these studies and then hopefully go back and be much more specific and detailed in the commandments of God regarding our responsibility in our homes. If you would stand, we'll read from God's word, Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Let's go to the Lord in prayer. Father, I come before you this day and I pray that you would work in the hearts of the fathers, in the hearts of the mothers, in the hearts of the children.

Lord, that you would bring families back together, that you would correct our priorities. Oh God, make every man in this place, make his wife his priority and every wife her husband. Make the parents see that their children are precious among the most and greatest gifts of God.

And help the children to honor, to respect, to even reverence their parents. Oh God, let us be godly where godliness truly matters. In Jesus name, amen. You may be seated, thank you. I have to begin with something of an introduction.

Family Priorities and the Meaning of Obedience

This is not going to be a children bashing hour. The greatest gifts, I count among the greatest gifts of my life are my children. They are more important to me than my ministry, just so you know. They are more important to me.

The only person that has priority on the face of the earth over my children would of course be my wife. And she has more importance to me than the ministry. You say, well, seek ye first the kingdom of God.

I am. If I was a single man, I'd say different things. But in the providence of God, God has given me a wife. And in the providence of God, he has given me children. And therefore, to seek first the kingdom of God is not to do anything other than obey God.

And obedience, according to the scriptures, begins with my wife and my children. Children, this is for you. It is not against you. This is for you. This is so that your life will be blessed. I'm reminded of a passage of scripture from which I taught last week.

Just listen for a moment, Deuteronomy. O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do that it may go well with you. And that you may multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you in the land flowing with milk and honey.

You think, children, that when commands and wisdom and principles and precepts are set before you, that it is somehow to mark out your life, to limit it, to destroy it, to burden you. Do you really have such concepts of God?

Do you not know that all these things are written? They are written for you. Will you hear? Will you listen? You say, well, I'll listen just as much as my dad listened to your last sermon. OK. There's no hope for you.

You see, this is not about what someone else does. This is not even about what your parents do. This is about you before your God. You may come from a home that is so messed up, you couldn't find a biblical precept in the book of Proverbs.

You may come from an abusive relationship. You may come from all sorts of things because I am not going to kid you, families are messed up and families in this church are messed up. But this is not about you responding to someone else.

This is about you responding to God. Will you obey him, children? Will you obey God? This is not so much a question about will you obey your parents, but will you obey God for the sake of God? Now, let's look at this text.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Children. What are children? It's a good question. I mean, if we're going to study this passage of scripture, we need to find our terminology.

What are children? According to the scriptures, children refers to those who are still living under the authority and the care of their parents. Those who still live under the authority and the care of their parents.

If that defines you, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually and economically, then you are a child. Because that's what a child is. Someone who is still living under the authority of their father and mother and being cared for by their father and mother.

Leaving Father and Mother and Establishing a New Family

Now, what is an adult? An adult is best defined in Genesis chapter 2 verse 24. This is what it says. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

Now, it says that he shall leave his father and his mother. This word in the Hebrew means to leave or let go, to loose, to set free. You are an adult. You are an adult. When you set yourself free from the authority and care of your father and your mother.

When you set yourself free and become independent of your father and your mother. First of all, physically, physically able to do that. Emotionally, you have grown to such a degree of character and virtue that you can stand on your own.

Spiritually, if you are a Christian, you have studied the word of God. You know his precepts. You are able to branch out on your own under God's authority. And this is always the telltale sign in our culture.

Financially, you break free from your father and your mother. And you are no longer a burden to them. Then you are an adult. Now, one of the greatest problems in American households today is this. And if I say it's a problem among children, I want you to know it first started among the parents.

But this is the number one possible problem in households today regarding parent-children relationships. And it's this. Children want to be recognized. They want to have the authority and the rights of an adult.

Without being willing or without being able to assume the responsibility. You want your independence. You want to be free. You want to make your own decisions, do your own things, decide everything about yourself.

But you are unable. You are simply unable physically, emotionally, spiritually, economically to make those types of decisions. Now, I want to go on. There's one thing that is very important here that I want you to see.

Because there are certain teachings that are so, they call themselves strict and biblical. But they are not. They'll take a passage like this. Children obey your parents and the Lord. And I know many organizations that teach.

I'm Paul Washer. I'm 43 years old. I direct a mission organization. I should still obey my parents because that's what the Bible says. Now, notice what it says. It doesn't say adults obey your children and the Lord.

It says children obey your parents and the Lord. Now, this is very, very important. Very important. Now, as a man, I am to honor, to respect, even reverence my parents. According to 1 Timothy 5, verse 4.

I am to even care for my parents financially, physically, in every sort of way in their elder years. I am to do that. But the moment I leave my father and my mother as a man. And I go out and create a new family unit being married.

I have indeed created a new family unit. That's my house. It's not my dad's house. It's not my mother's house. It's my house. And when a woman in marriage, her hand is given by her father to the hand of her husband.

She comes under a new head and that is her house. It's not her mother's house. It's not her father's house. It's her husband's house and her house. Now, why am I saying all this? Because it's very, very important that you understand that there is a big issue here of leaving and cleaving in adulthood.

And when you leave, you must leave. The most important person in my life is not my mother. The most important person in my life is my wife. I will honor my mother. I will give my life for her. And I will care for her in her old age.

But I am a new family unit. And that's very, very important because if you never make that break, your family will never be established. And there will never be the proper love and proper channels of authority that ought to be there.

That's one thing that is very, very important. Now, children, according to the Scriptures, I want you to see something. You have two choices in the Lord. One is to live in joyful, loving, reverent submission to your parents.

Or to leave the care of your parents and form a new family unit. But the Bible admonishes you never to do that until it's time and until you're prepared in character and virtue and godliness. Now, I want us to look at something that's very, very important, extremely important.

I'm spending a lot of time on this because there is so much wrong thinking. So much wrong thinking. Now, when a person reaches a certain age, a child, they reach a certain age, desires begin to spring forth when they're 11, 12, 13, 14.

Preparing for Adulthood Rather Than Seeking Premature Independence

Desires of independence. Desires of discovering who they are. Now, in our society today, that's almost like a switch that turns on or that's a signal that those children should now start to seek to live independently of their mother and their father.

No, that's not what that is at all. What it is, it is a signal. When a child reaches a certain age in which they start feeling the desire of independence, they begin to feel the desire to be their own person, it is a signal not for them to become independent, but it is a signal for them to start preparing themselves in their character and godliness so that one day they can become independent.

When you start feeling these desires to be your own person, it does not mean you have the right to break away from mom and dad. It means more than ever you should cleave to them and begin to grow in character and in godliness and in virtue so that you indeed can become a virtuous adult.

Now, this is very, very important because it also works with regard to when a young person begins to recognize there are other young people on the face of the earth of the opposite sex. And first of all, every parent should know that we are not to awaken love until it's time.

And because of all the conversations you allow your children to have and the television you allow them to watch and the things you allow them to participate in, you, parents, have awakened love or allowed it to be awakened in your children long before it should be because you are not biblical and you are not wise.

That's just the truth. But when love awakes in the heart of a child, when these romantic interests awake, let's say 12, 13, 14, whenever, everyone in our society today believes, well, that's a sign. Let them start thinking about boys.

Let them start thinking about girls. Let them date. You did not get that from the Bible. What it means when these interests awake, we should not suppress them. We should not call them bad for indeed they are not.

What we should do is teach our children these are signs, these are signals that you need to begin now for the next several years preparing yourself in godliness and in virtue so that one day you might be able to enter into a relationship that won't turn out to be a disaster like 75 of them in the world and just as many in the so-called church.

The Modern Doctrine of Adolescence

Now, I must make a comment here about a thing called adolescence. Adolescence. Adolescence is basically defined as that period of time between childhood and adulthood. Most teenagers here do not consider themselves to be children but they consider themselves to be adolescents.

It's a time supposedly when young people begin to feel their need for independence, their need for self-discovery and it's usually kind of a riotous difficult time in the household. I want you to know that adolescence is a very, very modern day invention.

It is a theory based upon a false evolutionary model of human development. It is not biblical and it is not scientific but it has wreaked absolute havoc on families. Now, my definition of adolescence is a little bit different.

It goes something like this. That period of time when a young person wants to have all the privileges and rights of an adult but they do not have the ability nor the willingness to assume the responsibilities.

Now, adolescence, this entire doctrine, and that's what I'm going to call it because it's a false doctrine, this doctrine of adolescence, what has it done? It has done so much damage. First of all, it provides an excuse for rebellion and immaturity.

It provides an excuse. Well, my child is rebelling now. Well, how old is your child? Thirteen. Well, of course they're going to rebel. They're an adolescent. You won't find that written in old books. It provides an excuse.

So many times when I'm counseling people, I have to be very, very careful because I am aware that there can be certain medical conditions in a person's life. But you know what's amazing? So many times when a person has something that's affecting their character, affecting their lifestyle, affecting the way they act, when it is somehow diagnosed as a medical problem, they become worse.

You want to know why? Because now they have an excuse for why they are the way they are. Now, I'm not denying that there cannot be medical problems and things like that, but what I'm saying, this is the tendency of human nature to grab a hold of something and then have an excuse for why we do not have certain virtuous character traits in our lives.

And that's what adolescence has done. It's given an excuse for rebellion. It's given an excuse for self-will. It's given an excuse for a lack of submission and honor and reverence and all sorts of other things.

I want you to know that adolescence is simply not recognized in Scripture, nor has it been recognized through the greater part, almost all the greater part, of human history. Now, another thing. It leads to a retardation of maturity.

When we say that there's such a stage as adolescence, it leads to a retardation of maturity. Now, in most tribes today, in most civilizations down through history, and not just South America, Africa, but in civilizations, Eastern, Western, European, Asian, all over, all over, usually a young man or a boy moves from childhood to adulthood somewhere around the age of 12.

Somewhere around the age of 12, he could start almost becoming independent from his parents. He could assume the responsibility of agriculture or a part of the business. He could even, just a few years from that date, even take upon himself a wife.

But look at our society. Because of this thing called adolescence. We enter into this period. We go from boy to adolescence. But no one seems to be getting into manhood anymore. Because we're getting into the 30s and 40s and still acting like children.

Still acting like children. Whenever, a lot of times, back home, I will bring into my fellowship young men who either, they don't have a father or their father's in the same house, but he's not really a father.

And I'll bring them into my life and I'll take them hunting. I'll do things with them out in the shop. But the first thing we do when we sit down together is this. I say, how old are you? Say, 14. Okay.

I'm going to treat you like a man. Just like a man. And I'm going to expect you to act just like a man. You know the amazing thing? They do. They do. That's the most amazing thing. And that's the thing that we are losing.

What we've got going on here is we have got this period of, it seems like it just, adolescence keeps growing and growing. Now it seems to have gone, you know, it starts out 5 years, then 10. Now it seems like I see people that have been in this thing for 20, 25 years.

Of wanting to have, wanting to have the rights and privileges of an adult. But they are not willing to assume the responsibility thereof. And so that has nothing to do with what the Bible teaches us. Now I want us to go on.

Obedience as a Habitual and Prompt Response

It says, children, obey your parents in the Lord. For this is right. Now in Colossians 3 .20 it says, be obedient to your parents in all things. In all things. Now, before we go into this, I want to look at something.

I realize I am teaching to a culture that is marked by havoc in the household. A culture where disruption between parent and child is quite common. A culture that because of these signs demonstrates it is under the judgment of almighty God.

Now, I want you to listen to Romans 1 .28 -30. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer. Does that make you think of anything close to us like our entire culture? And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer.

Especially in education. God gave them over to a depraved mind. God did it in judgment. A culture, a society does not want to acknowledge God. God gives them over to their lordship of themselves. They are then governed not by a holy, just, wise, loving God.

They are governed by their own corrupt heart that has the potential of a Hitler. God gave them over to a depraved mind to do those things which are not proper. Now, notice in Ephesians 6 .1, it says, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is proper.

This is right. Young people, many of you think it is not that proper or right to obey your parents. It is old fashioned. You are demonstrating that you are under the judgment of God. Because he says, God gave them over to a depraved mind to do those things which are not proper.

Being filled with all unrighteousness. Every form of everything that contradicts the character and the will of God. Wickedness, greed, envy, evil, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice. They are gossip, slanders, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents.

You know, they say the birds of a feather flock together. And you can know someone by who they hang around with. This disobedient to parents, look what it is hanging around with. Wickedness, greed, evil, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, slanders, haters of God.

Disobedience to parents is a bad thing. It is in the same list with murder. One of the most terrifying things that you can ever do is disobey your parents. You say, Brother Paul, are you trying to scare us?

Yes, I am. There are some things that even a man like myself ought to be afraid of. It will save your life. Fear is a great life saver. Now, 2 Timothy 3, 1 and 2, it says, But realize this, that in the last days, this terrible time, difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents.

A sign of the last days. A sign of the let loose of John said that there are many antichrists. This is a horrid thing. It's not some tiny thing. It's a horrid thing to live in a culture that is marked by the children's disobedience to their parents is to recognize we live in a culture that is under the judgment of Almighty God.

Now, the word obey is a very interesting word. It's translated to listen, to hearken to, to obey. But the word is best illustrated by this. Let's say that you're laying on the floor and you hear a knock at the door and you jump up immediately to answer the door.

That's what it's talking about. It's used of a porter or a doorman who sees someone coming or hears a knock and quickly opens the door. It's talking about an obedient, not only obedient response, but a quick obedience, a prompt obedience, a willing, voluntary obedience.

A thing that's done with gusto. It's done quickly. It's done without dragging the feet. Does that describe your relationship with your parents' commands? Because when God says, obey your parents, He's not just speaking about, oh, mom.

He's talking about if you're going to do it right, it's a quick and prompt obedience. Now, also notice that the verb is in a present tense imperative in the Greek, which indicates a continuous action.

It's talking about a habitual lifestyle of obeying the parents. You see, you read in your New Testament there in English, children, obey your parents and the Lord. What He's saying to us is, children, God's demanding of you a habitual lifestyle of practicing obedience unto the Lord.

Limits of Parental Authority and Higher Authorities

Now, if we get to Colossians 3 .20, remember what I said that it says? It says, children, be obedient to your parents in all things. Obey your parents in absolutely everything. Now, I love the wonderful question that I always get when I teach on this passage.

Some kid stands up and goes, well, what if my dad wants me to make a nuclear warhead and blow up the Empire State Building? Am I supposed to obey him? Let me ask you a question. When was the last time your dad asked you to do that?

Because maybe we ought to call the authorities. Your dad's never asked you to do that. Your problem is not with the fact your dad is an international terrorist. Your problem is you do not want to do the simple commands laid out by your mother and your father.

It's not a great philosophical issue about the virtue of taking out the trash. Now, I just want to stop back for a moment. I said that funny. I was hoping you would laugh. But just look for a moment. One act of not taking out the trash when you're commanded to is sin.

And without the blood of Christ, you would go to hell for that one thing. That's how much God hates it. Think about it. You see, sin is sin, folks. Doesn't matter how you dress it up. Sin is sin. Remember this one pastor one time, he asked his little boy to pick up some paper there in the middle of the floor.

And the little boy didn't do it. And he popped him on the bottom, said, I love you, son, but this has to happen. You have to learn you don't disobey authority. Hugged him again after the little boy cried a bit.

Mom came in and said, I can't believe that you popped him on the bottom just because he wouldn't pick up a piece of paper. The pastor said, darling, that's not the issue. He rebelled against authority.

The paper is not the issue. The authority is the issue. Now, I can tell you the degree to which your heart is rebellious. I can do this with your parents. I can do it with me. But today I'm doing it with you, children.

If the moment you hear children, be obedient to your parents in all things. If at that moment in your mind already you're generating excuses and reasons why this verse doesn't work all the time. You're demonstrating what kind of heart you truly have.

You're doing the same thing that is always done. Loopholes. Reasons not to obey. Reasons to justify your own sin and rebellion against God. Now, you say, but how does this work? Literally, what if my parents tell me to do something that's not ethical or that's not...

What are the rules? What does he mean by obey your parents in everything? Well, you obey your parents in everything that is not countered by a higher authority over your parents. Let me give you an example.

In Acts 5 .29, but Peter and the apostles answered, we must obey God rather than men. Be very careful here. If your dad tells you to take out the trash, don't try to use this verse. Because you're claiming special revelation and I'm sure God did not give it to you for this particular case.

It's talking about breaking direct commands. And then it goes on and it also tells us that a government correctly administered in Romans 13 .1. Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities.

For there is no authority except from God and those which exist are established by God. You are to obey your parents in absolutely everything except those things that might contradict and surely contradict a higher authority.

And that is usually not the problem. Because what do you wrangle most about? The virtues of a just war? No. Taking out the trash? What you watch on television? How much television you watch? Whether or not you do your schoolwork?

Most importantly, once you're in your teenage years, who are you hanging around with? What are you doing? What kind of clothes do you wear? What kind of music? Everything that you will fight tooth and nail on.

That thing so small could be more important to you than living in obedience to God and having His blessing upon your life is amazing. Now, how much does God... I wanted to write hate, but I put abhor because it's a little bit stronger.

Rebellion as a Threat to the Home and Society

How much does God abhor disobedience of children? I want to read a passage in Deuteronomy 21, 18 -21. If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them.

And then his father and his mother shall seize him and bring him out to the elders of the city at the gateway of his hometown. They shall say to the elders of this city, This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard.

Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death, so that you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all Israel will hear of it and fear. Now, I'm not saying that this should be practiced at high point.

Although I'm sure I would have some parents volunteering. But what I do want you to see is this. Rebellion in the home is so dangerous to not only the individual, but the home, and not only to the home, but society itself, that it was to be purged from the land completely.

That's how horrid it is. Now children, let's talk for a minute. Some of you who are teenagers feel real uncomfortable with that term, but that's what you are. I know that you look around you and you see failure everywhere.

You might even see it in your mom, in your dad. Things they do that you might think are unjust. You know whether they're biblical or not when they leave these doors. They themselves know. Let me tell you something.

If you spend the rest of your life making excuses for your disobedience, using other people's disobedience, you will be destroyed. Your life will end in destruction. I can't obey the Lord simply because other people do.

And I don't have an excuse not to obey God just because my parents have dropped the ball. Maybe your mom has not spent a great deal of her time teaching you, training you, loving you, spending time with you.

That's wrong. Maybe your dad doesn't spend much time with you. That is a sin. But that, maybe he's hard, maybe he's cruel, maybe he loses his temper. All that is sin. But what I'm saying, don't let the sin of other people drive you to sin.

You obey the Lord. And it will go well with you. And God will prosper you. Even when you submit to things that might be unjust, God will bless you because you've submitted to Him. Another thing, children.

Recovering Biblical Models for the Family

I want you to recognize that there has been somewhat of a reformation going on in American Christianity. It's underground. Not too many people know about it. But it's true. And we are beginning to rediscover Scripture.

I know that sounds strange, but it shouldn't. We are beginning to rediscover what it means to be a father and a husband. We're beginning to rediscover in Scripture what it means to be a mother and a wife.

We're beginning to rediscover in Scripture all these things. And what I want you to know is your parents, even though they might have been in church all their life, have basically been raised on psychology and paganism.

Doesn't matter what church they've been in. We have not worked hard enough to know what the Bible declares about men, women, children, and family. And what I'm telling you is the same thing that my wife and I have said together several times.

When we knew that we were going to have children, it scared us to death because we knew that everything we knew about having children was basically handed down paganism with enough Christianity in it to make it dangerous.

But we said this, maybe our children will be that first generation of our people, that first generation of our family that will have a chance from the very beginning to be raised in the fear and the nurture and the love of the Lord.

Now children, I'm telling you all this, why? Because it's true. But I'm telling you this because the one thing the devil will do is whisper in your ear and give you all the reasons why you should not obey the Lord and obey your parents because they have failed you.

That's what he'll say. They don't do it. Do you really want to live the rest of your life that way? As for me and my house, we're going to give it the best shot we have. Now, parents, what are parents?

They're God's ordained authority in the context of the family. They are God's ordained authority. Now, some of you young fellas and young ladies, let me tell you something very, very important. We hardly understand authority at all.

I mean, let me just say that I'm in the army and there's a sergeant over me. Now, I'm supposed to obey him. I'm going to be called on the carpet if I don't. I have to obey him. Now, if he's wrong and I don't obey him, he gets in trouble and I get in trouble.

If he's wrong and I do obey him, he gets in trouble and I'm exonerated. I'm following the authority put over me. You see, you're so busy on trying to discern whether or not mom and dad are right or wrong.

You're so busy trying to discern whether they're old-fashioned or modern or they even know what's going on nowadays. And what you've got to realize is that's not even anything you need to be thinking about.

Because the Bible says, obey them, honor them. And if you do, even if it means you have to say goodbye to some of your friends, even if it means that you have to stop listening to certain things, even if it means you have to work on your homework longer, and even if it means you have to lengthen your skirt, you will be blessed of the Lord if you will obey your father and your mother.

Because they are the authority that God has placed over you. Now, we didn't get very far, did we? We got the first two words, children obey. We started on parents. I'm finished with this one thing. I want you to listen.

Notice that the word here is plural, parents. Both have authority over you. Parents, father and mother. And to violate one's authority is to violate them both. And even worse, to violate one's authority is to violate God's.

Because God has put not only your father over you, He has put your mother over you. And if we have single mothers here or single fathers here, understand this, children, their authority is the same. It is God's authority.

Proverbs on Honoring Father and Mother

Now, Proverbs 6 .20, My son, observe, which means to watch over like a watchman, the commandments of your father, and do not forsake, that is, leave or cast off or disregard the teachings of your mother.

Never disregard the teachings of your mother. Proverbs 10 .1, A wise son, that word in Hebrew means skillful, learned, prudent, makes a father glad, literally causes him to rejoice. But a foolish son, the word means stupid, dull and arrogant.

Most arrogant people I've ever met are stupid. Most stupid people are arrogant, just so you might know. A foolish son is a grief to his mother. Now, what does that mean? The word literally means heaviness, like a sorrow or like a burden.

When a child becomes, in their disobedience, a burden to mom instead of a blessing. Proverbs 15 .20, A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish man despises, holds in contempt, treats as worthless his mother.

Have you ever despised your mother? Well, let me put it in practical terms. Have you ever not listened to her? You broke this command. Proverbs 19 .26, He who assaults, that means also devastates or ruins his father and drives his mother away, is a shameful and disgraceful son, literally means he's a cause for embarrassment.

Proverbs 20 .20, He who curses his father and his mother, his lamp will go out in a time of darkness. They say, well, I wouldn't curse them. Well, the word literally means to make little of or to treat as though they were of little account.

Have you ever cursed your father? Yes. You ever treated them as though their words and their position was of little account? You've cursed them. Proverbs 23 .22, Listen, it's the same word that we studied back a while.

Deuteronomy 6, The very same word in Hebrew, Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God. It's important when that word comes up, saying pay very, very close attention to your father who begot you and do not despise, treat as insignificant your mother when she is old.