A Christlike Home (1) Christlike Husbands and Wives — Zac Poonen

Building a Christlike Home

Okay, in these two sessions, we're going to talk about a Christ-like home. And for a Christ-like home, we need a Christ-like husband, Christ-like wife, Christ-like father and Christ-like mother, who will raise up Christ-like children.

I believe that is God's desire. We read that God predestined us to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. So everything he plans and works is with that goal. So you can say that your home is fulfilling God's purpose.

Not if you're earning a big salary or you were able to build your own house or any of those things, but only if your home is becoming more Christ-like. And if it is not, I mean, if you're serious about your Christian life, you should humble yourself and say, Lord, my home is not fulfilling your purpose.

And God really blesses those who are honest in acknowledging their need. Many people do not experience God meeting with them because they don't honestly acknowledge their need. The very first marriage in Cana, they came to Jesus and said, there's no wine.

Acknowledging the Loss of Joy in Marriage

The wine is finished. We had some when we started, but it's all run out. Maybe you had the wine of happiness and joy and love when you started your married life or when your children were babies and small, there was a lot of joy, but it's gone.

And if it's gone, the solution is to go to Jesus and say, Lord, it's gone. Acknowledge it. Don't keep pretending that you have plenty of wine. Don't try to call something which is not wine, wine. Be honest.

That's the first thing. And remember this always, that God is on your side against the devil. Right at the beginning of the Bible, we read that it was God who brought Adam and Eve together and established a home.

That teaches us how interested God is in a home. He's the one who established it. The very next chapter, you see how the devil came and divided that home, separated Adam and Eve. He started blaming his wife.

Divorce, Blame, and the Need to Train Children

And from that moment, this business of blaming started. And you find today, homes are full of husbands and wives who blame each other, ultimately end in divorce. The Bible says God hates divorce. Malachi chapter in the last book of the Bible in Malachi, God hates it and he's never ever changed his mind on that.

And Jesus spoke very strongly against divorce. And yet divorce is something which has become so accepted among even Christians and believers that shows how Christianity is a million miles away from God.

To call that Christianity is ridiculous. That is not Christianity. That's Babylon. And the easy way in which a lot of people just go around divorcing, I don't like somebody, so I divorce. It's absolute, the world is drifted to the place where there's no fear of God.

And the very next chapter in Genesis, that's Genesis three, how Satan brought a separation between husband and wife. And the very next chapter, you see wayward children with Cain. And also the devil got into Cain as soon as he was, soon after he was born.

Maybe it was a sweet little baby when he was born, like every baby is. But obviously not brought up properly by Adam and Eve, grew up proud, arrogant, like a lot of Christian parents' children today. And we can blame the children, but the Bible says, train up a child in the way it should go and when he's old, he will not depart from it.

So we see that we are living in a time of tremendous need. The world has always been like that, but among Christians. And in the midst of all this, Jesus says, you are to be a light, the light of the world.

The Home as a Light in the Darkness

Your home must be like a light in the midst of darkness. Sometimes when you're flying in a plane, you look down, you see all dark at night and here there's a light in one home and there there's a light in another home.

When you move over some deserted areas, here and there you see a light. I think God looks at the world like that, all covered with darkness, but here and there a light, a home that is seeking to be Christ-like.

So I want to say to you that if you don't have that passion in your heart, it'll never take place. You must have a passion in your heart to be a light in the world, in your relationship as husband and wife, not just the areas where other people know, but even in private.

If the devil can see that you're a light, we are very careful that other people should not see our failure. What about the devil? Are you a testimony to Satan, husband and wife, the way you live together at home?

The devil and his demons who watch you all the time, are you a testimony to them? The way you bring up your children? Remember God is on your side, that's what I want to say. God is on your side against the devil and he is more interested in your building a home, a godly home, than you are yourself.

You must believe that. To me, faith for anything is to believe that this thing that I'm seeking God for, God is more interested in me having it than I am interested in getting it. Whether it's forgiveness of sins, baptism in the Holy Spirit, bringing up your children in a godly way, building a Christ-like home, to have faith means I believe God is more interested in helping me to build my home in a godly way than I am.

But God will never do anything if you don't have a burning desire to have such a home and to be a light for the Lord. So there are promises in the Bible like, if God be for us, who can be against us? What a wonderful verse for husbands and wives, even if you have messed up your life so far, to believe that God is on your side.

If God is for you, who can be against you? That all the demons of hell try, they cannot be against you. You must have that faith. Don't ever give up and say, oh, it's hopeless, my wife is hopeless, my husband is hopeless.

There are so many people who say that. Well, you keep saying that it's hopeless, then it will be hopeless. Because you don't have faith. Like the people went to the Canaan's land and 600 ,000 of them said, it's hopeless.

We can never conquer these giants. So you can look at the difficulties you face. You can look at the problems. Your wife is like this, your husband, this is hopeless, then it will be hopeless. But if you can be like Joshua and Caleb, no, it's not hopeless.

If God is on my side, things are going to change. Even if my wife is evil or my husband is evil, if God is with me, God can get a foothold in my home through me, one person. It's amazing what he can do.

But I find that so many husbands just sit back and say, yeah, my wife is like that. She'll always be like that. She'll always be like that because you don't have any faith. Or people say my husband is irresponsible.

He'll always be like that. He will always be like that because you don't have any faith for him. God is not able to get a foothold in that home because you are full of unbelief. You keep saying it's hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

My partner is like this. He'll always be like this. Then they will be like that. Faith is to believe that God can change things. That's what we read in the very first chapter of Genesis. He took that rotten world and changed it into something beautiful.

This is the God we worship. And if that's the God you worship, I believe that. I don't believe there's any situation that God cannot redeem and save us from, no matter how spoiled the situation is, or a person is, or how wicked your partner is, or how bad your children have become, God can redeem it.

You must also believe a promise God says, those who honor me, I will honor. First promise is Romans 8 31. If God be for us, who can be against us? 1 Samuel 2 verse 30 says, those who honor me, I will honor.

Think of saying, Lord, I want to honor you in my home. Never mind if nobody else is honoring you, but you've got a foothold in my home through me, one person. And if two people, imagine, wonderful, it's even better.

We want to honor you. And as we honor you, we believe according to this promise, you will honor us. Definitely, those who honor me, I will honor. Take another promise, 1 Corinthians 10 and verse 13. God will never allow you to be tested beyond your ability, but will with every trial make a way to come out of it to escape.

You know that married life brings many trials. Do you believe that every one of them is a trial you can conquer and overcome? God will make a way of escape, or are you so full of unbelief and say, it's hopeless?

That's the reason why many things haven't changed so far. As long as God is not even able to get one foothold and one person in the home, there'll be no change. He's got to get at least one person on his side, and one is enough.

Let all the others in your home be against God, it doesn't matter. If God can get one person totally surrender to him, it's amazing what he can do. So Christ is our example. We want to look at husbands and wives in this session, and then parents and children in the next session.

Husbands and Wives Under the Headship of Christ

So a husband is called to look at Jesus and to be like him, he's our example. The Bible says in Ephesians in chapter five, and verse is going to talk about the home relationship. And he introduces the subject of home relationship with this verse.

The home relationship section begins in chapter five, verse 22, and goes all the way up to chapter six, verse nine. Wives, husbands, children, parents, servants, masters that also is there can be in a home, all the way up to chapter six, verse nine.

And the whole section begins with an introduction in chapter five, verse 18. What is the most important requirement to build a godly home? Be filled with the Holy Spirit. To be filled with the Holy Spirit is not to speak in tongues, it's to build a Christian home.

Remember, this is the introduction to building a Christian home. Be filled with the Holy Spirit, and when you're filled with the Spirit, words will come out of your mouth, words of singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for everything.

This is what happens. Imagine if you're in your home, there's a song in your heart, giving thanks on your lips because you're filled with the Holy Spirit. Can you imagine how it'll change the whole atmosphere of your home?

It's so different to the average home in the world where there's grumbling and complaining and murmuring all the time about something or the other. And then the children pick it up from the parents, and they become like that.

But think if you're filled with the Holy Spirit, and instead of all that, there is singing praise to the Lord and thanksgiving, a spirit of thanksgiving. Even if you're not always thanking with your heart, it says, not always with your lips.

It says in verse 19, with your heart. It doesn't mean we are saying anything. We can always be giving thanks and singing in our heart, even if we don't vocalize it in words. And then the next thing is verse 21, the spirit of subjection to one another.

That means recognizing the boundaries God has drawn around each person. God has drawn a boundary around the husband, a boundary around the wife, a boundary around each child. And we respect that boundary.

We don't tread into that boundary. Like they say, give space to your husband, give space to your wife. Don't tread into her territory and rob her of her dignity as an individual. Don't rob your children of that dignity as human beings.

That's their boundary. That's the meaning of being subject to one another. Even being subject to my children, for example. As a father, I must not humiliate my children in the presence of guests at home by punishing them publicly.

I must punish them privately. That is a way of being subject to my children. I can't say, I'm the father, I can do what I like, I'll thrash you in public. No, be subject to one another. That is how the whole theme of the home begins and learn it.

And all of you are not yet married, learn it now. Be subject to one another. God is the only one who's got no boundaries. He can do whatever he likes, wherever he likes. All the rest of us have got boundaries.

And we should not tread into another person's boundary. Your wife has got a boundary, you can't do what you like. You can't go around humiliating her publicly. That's a boundary. She's got a dignity as a human being.

Your husband has got a boundary. You can't humiliate him publicly, et cetera, et cetera. And then it goes on to say about, let me talk about husbands first. Husbands, love your wives, verse 25, as Christ loved the church.

So the example for husbands is Jesus Christ. And it goes on to say further down in that section that it is like Christ is the head of the church. Further down, just as Christ loves the church, we are members of his body.

Just as Christ also does the church, verse 29. So we must love your wife, verse 28, like his own body. That's the meaning of being the head. Now there are two types, the word head can mean many things in the world in English.

Head of a department in a university. Head of a country, the president. Head of the army, the general, or head of the body. Which head do you feel you as a husband are in your home? Head of an army, head of the country?

It's because that understanding, head of the department? No, head of the body. But it's because people have not seen that meaning of head that a lot of husbands act like dictators. Because they have misunderstood the word head.

Here it says very clearly, head of the body. So also husbands must love their wife as their own body. Christ is the head of the church. So then there's a lot of scope there to meditate on what it means to be a head and the body.

The body is, the head is useless without the body. Some husbands think, I'm okay. I can do a lot of things, I can do, even if my wife is not there. I can cook, I can take care of myself. You have that attitude, you'll never have a Christian home.

Because home is not just a matter of cooking food and producing children. It's a lot more than that. So being a testimony to the devil about how two people can become one in God's eyes and how they can manifest a love and a concern and a care and a humble relationship with one another, which is a testimony to Satan as to what the gospel can do, which was never possible before the day of Pentecost.

That's why you don't read anything about homes in the Old Testament. Home is not important. You could have a very bad home like Moses who would fight with his wife and his children who are disobedient, but he could be the leader, but not in the New Testament.

The New Testament, it says if your home is not right, you cannot have a responsibility in the church. Completely out of the question. If your children are wayward, you cannot have a responsibility in the church.

That's so clear. So the new covenant brings us into a new possibility of relationship with one another in the home. So we must remember that, that we can now build a home where the relationship between husband and wife is like the head cares for the body.

The head is useless without a body. Think if your head was cut off, can't just float around by yourself. The first question I need to ask, that I want to ask husbands here is, do you see the necessity of your wife as much as you see the necessity of your body?

Or is it only for the purposes of sex, cooking the food, washing the clothes? Well, if that's the case, no wonder your marriage is in such a mess. Think of how you care for your body, how we care for it, we wash it.

There's an injury, we treat it immediately. Even if a mosquito sits on it, we drive it off. Imagine coming to that level of sensitivity towards the needs of your wife. That is what it means to be a Christ-like husband, sensitive to the needs of the body.

What an example. And let me also turn you to John chapter 10. Jesus said in verse 11, sorry, John chapter 10, I am the good shepherd. That's what he says in verse 11. I am the good shepherd. He's the shepherd of the sheep.

And as a shepherd, it says in verse, he calls his sheep by name and leads them out. When he puts forth his own, he goes ahead of them. I like that. He calls his sheep tenderly. In Kerala, it probably is there in other parts of the country too, there's a very rude way in which even Christian husbands call their wives.

They call her Eddie. Eddie means, hey, you. Like you call a pig or something, or a dog. And I have, in all of our churches there, I have preached against it. Never call your wife Eddie, or even your children.

Call them by tender names. He calls his sheep by name. I remember after I said that, one man came to me and said, brother, it's out of love that I call my wife Eddie. I said, why don't you let your wife also love you and call you Edda?

Oh, no, no, no. Then he got light. We are so blind. Such rude words to say, hey, you. He calls his sheep by name. He's a shepherd. Respect your wife. And when he puts forth his own, he goes ahead of them.

Verse four, a shepherd is one who goes ahead. He doesn't tell his sheep, hey, go there. He goes in front. He takes the risks. He's willing to face the dangers first. Not in the way you see a lot of Indian husbands and wives walking where the husband is five feet in front and in the villages, you see the woman carrying a load on the head.

Not that type of going ahead. It's going ahead as an example. If you find your wife is not up to the mark in some area, maybe she loses her temper frequently or grumbles and complains, how to deliver her from it?

Are you gonna whip her from the back? That is a hireling. Come on, get rid of that habit. A good shepherd goes in front and shows by his example how to overcome those sins that you see in your wife. It's a tremendous responsibility to be a husband.

Don't ever take it on unless you're serious about it. I mean, it's just like a tremendous responsibility to be a general of an army or the prime minister of a country. You're not your own boss if you can't take those responsibilities lightly.

I mean, even to be a teacher in a school or a principal of a school is a big responsibility. Or even some of the jobs you're taking, it's a big responsibility. It's a very big responsibility to be a husband in a home, to be an example, a hardworking person.

I mean, if you're a lazy person, I would suggest you don't get married. Just destroy yourself with your laziness. But that's not a good example. Imagine if you're a lazy person and your wife is also lazy and your children are lazy, what's your home gonna be like?

You say, brother, that's my temperament. Well, go and hang your head in shame before God and say, Lord, I got to be changed. Some of you have been in the church for so many years. When are you gonna get rid of your laziness?

When are you gonna be a hardworking person? To be an example, don't you see Jesus working hard? How hard he works. There's no laziness in God's kingdom. So a good shepherd is one who works hard for his sheep.

If a sheep goes astray, he looks for that sheep to bring it back. He goes ahead. He never goes from behind to push, saying you must be like this and you must be like that. It's a pathetic thing I see today in many Indian men who wanna go abroad to make money.

They don't have qualifications. So they marry a nurse because they know that nurses can get jobs in the Gulf and in America and then go care of their wives and sit at home looking after the children and cooking the food while the wife is earning the money.

Are these Christians? They have no understanding of God's word. They should hang their heads in shame. It's not necessary to go to America and the Gulf. It's not necessary to earn so much money. It's necessary to build a godly home.

Very, very important to recognize that. And yet there are so many Christians who don't have any clue about all these things. And the end result is these effeminate husbands who are more like women than men.

The children suffer because of that. You are an effeminate, irresponsible, lazy husband. I guarantee your children are gonna suffer all their life because of what they see in you. You better wake up. I'm speaking strongly because I've seen enough children messed up because the way they saw their father live at home.

Irresponsible, lazy, wayward. So I wanna save the next generation from messing up. So it's time to wake up in this area. Follow the example of Jesus. Go ahead and be an example in every area so that you should be able to say to your wife, follow me.

That's what, and it says here, the sheep hear his voice. I like that. Let your wife hear your voice. Don't be one of those silent husbands. That's not God's will. God wants husband and wife to talk together and share their heart with each other.

It's not God's will that you should just, how do you talk to your good friends? Let me ask you. How do you talk to your good friends? Don't you talk and talk and talk. You suddenly forget all about your quiet temperament when you're talking to your friends.

Why don't you talk to your wife like that? Your wife should be your best friend. If somebody asks you who's your best friend, your answer should be my wife. That is, imagine if Jesus never spoke to you.

If Jesus treated you like the way you treat your wife, hardly ever talk to her. I'd feel miserable if the Lord never spoke to me. So I see so many areas where I can see Jesus as my example. Jesus protects me from danger, and that's a responsibility for a husband to see possible dangers in the home.

That's what it means to be Christ-like, to recognize I want to protect my home from these dangers. Music and movies and other things that can ruin my home and ruin my children. It's the husband who must take that responsibility even before the children come to keep the home from danger.

The husband is the one who, the shepherd is the one who leads the sheep to green pastures to provide food. The husband is the one who's got to take the responsibility. I've got to earn food for my family.

Do you take that responsibility seriously? Do you work hard? Do you say, Lord, help me? Do you think God won't help you? He will help you if you take it seriously. But if you just play the fool in that area, then God sees that you're not serious about your life.

There's a tremendous need for repentance on the part of husbands. I find so many of them take things so casually as if this is not such a serious thing at all. So remember, take the example of a shepherd and not only provides good pastures for the sheep, it says in verse 11, I lay down my life for the sheep.

Imagine working so hard that you're willing to lay down your life. This is what it means to be Christ-like, a Christ-like leader. Jesus gave a demonstration of it by washing the feet of the disciples.

Willing to do any dirty job for your wife or for the home. I pray that God will raise up many husbands like this in our church. This is God's will. So those are just a few things you can think about it further.

Christlike Wives and Submission to Christ

And then I wanna move on to the wife. The wife also has to be Christ-like because the Bible says to the wife or to the woman in 1 Corinthians 11, in Ephesians 5, we are told that wife is to be like the church subject to Christ.

But sometimes the church you look around is not a very good example of submitting to Christ. You know that. So I wanna give you a better example, Christ himself. And that's in 1 Corinthians 11 and verse three.

I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man and the man is the head of the woman. In other words, again, the same picture, the husband is the head of the wife and God is the head of Christ.

So now get this picture. In the same way that Christ is subject to God the father, the wife is to be subject to man, her husband. Like Christ accepted God the father as his head, the woman has to accept her husband as her head.

So who is their example in this passage? Not the church, Jesus Christ. And that's a perfect example. So just like Christ is the example for husbands, we find Christ is the example for wives too. In the way Jesus submitted because the father told him to do it.

You know, this word submission, unfortunately in the eyes of many people is a dirty word. And with the women's liberation movement, which has affected so many people around the world and has affected a lot of people in Western countries and has gradually affected westernized parts of India.

You know, there's removing of the veil from over the women's head started with the women's liberation movement. A hundred years ago, even in America and all churches, women covered their heads. But with the women's liberation movement 50 years ago, women took off their veils.

They were honest when they took off their veils saying, I'm not in subjection to any man or to my husband. But remember that it's a sign of a rebellious spirit when a woman takes off that veiling, which God has said in the same chapter in 1 Corinthians 11.

It says further down, a woman ought to have verse 10, a symbol of authority on her head because of the angels. It's in the context of a woman being subject to a man. So I'm just telling you how you gotta be careful of that spirit that there is in the world that's come over to India from the Western world.

You see it in all these charismatic churches when no woman ever believes in veiling her head. It's that spirit that's come over from the Western world. And it's the spirit of Satan, a satanic rebellious, I will not accept God's order that the man has to be the head of the woman.

Who said that? I'm equal to the man. Okay, let me see what type of home you build sister. And let me see, give me 20 years and I'd like to see what your children are gonna be like. I prophesy they'll bring dishonor to you and be a headache to you because you can't violate God's word and expect godliness, God to bless your home, completely out of the question.

So what I'm saying is, the important thing is not the veiling of the head. You can veil your head and not be subject to your husband at home. That's worse. It's that spirit behind it, which says, who said he's my head?

Imagine if Jesus lived on earth and said, who said the father is my head? I'm equal to him. Was Jesus equal to the father or not? Yes or no? Yes, all of you say yes and that's right. Jesus was equal to the father.

And do you know in God's eyes, a man and woman are equal? Absolutely equal. The woman, man is not superior before God over the woman. The man is not some special favorite of God. No, men and women are equal before God.

But yet the woman has to be in subject. Why? Jesus Christ was equal to the father and yet for the purpose of redemption, he subjected himself to the father and demonstrated in a world which believed that submission was a dirty word, he demonstrated that submission can be a glorious thing.

A man can demonstrate that by his total submission to Christ. And a wife can demonstrate that by her total submission to her husband. So both have the privilege. I have the privilege of demonstrating the glory of submission by my total submission to Christ.

That means as soon as the Lord tells me something, go and apologize to your wife. I'll do it immediately. That's the glory of submission. You think a man doesn't have to submit? Of course he has to Christ.

And the woman has the opportunity to demonstrate that spirit of submission in her home. Now, a woman may say, but my husband doesn't know the Lord like I do. Maybe you're right. There are many cases where a husband is thoroughly disobedient to the word, maybe unconverted.

Winning an Unconverted Spouse Through Conduct

What should a Christian woman do in such a case? There is an answer because this is not new to the 21st century. Even in the first century, 1 Peter 3 and verse one. 1 Peter 3 verse one. In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, even to those who are disobedient to the word of God.

Unconverted. So that you can win them without speaking one word by your behavior. What does it mean in the same way? Why does the sentence start with in the same way? Because it's referring to the previous paragraph.

Christ is your example. 1 Peter 2, 21. In the same way, wives. In which way? In the way your great example, Jesus. Again, here you see that Jesus is the example for wives. Where you have been called, 1 Peter 2, 21.

Christ suffered. Are you suffering, sister? Because your husband is disobedient to God's word? You have an example. Christ suffered leaving you an example to follow in his steps. In the same way, wives, be submissive.

Even though he committed no sin. Maybe your life is godly, sister. He was reviled, verse 23. Are you being reviled by your husband? He did not revile in return. In the same way, wives, submit to your husbands.

While he was suffering, he did not utter any threat. He could have said, wait till God judges you, you fellows. Did he say that? You're a godly sister and your wife. You're suffering under your husband.

Do you say, wait till God judges you? You're not following Jesus. He kept entrusting himself to him who judges righteously. In the same way, wives, entrust yourself to one who has promised. He will never allow you to be tested beyond your ability.

Never. When he finds it's getting too much for you, he'll do something. Either soften your husband's heart or convert him or kill him. But he'll never allow you to be tested beyond your ability. That you can be sure of.

You have God on your side. Your husband's unconverted. He's with the devil. So what? You got God on your side. Who is stronger? Behave like Jesus Christ. Behave like Jesus Christ. In the same way. And you can win them.

Isn't it your aim to win this unconverted husband? Win him without speaking one word. Don't preach to him. I'm sorry to say I have met some sisters who are converted and whose husbands are not converted.

We had some of them in CFC. They're not here now. And when I saw the spirit in these women, in those wives, I understood why. Husbands are not converted. They are preachers. They must be going home and preaching to their husbands.

And the husbands are sick and tired of their preaching. Have they understood how to win their husbands without a word? No. And I said your husbands will never get converted. Not if they see your life.

And then I've seen other examples. Of husbands who would not allow their wives to come to the church. And the wives, by spirit of submission, won their husbands over. Even non-Christian husbands by spirit of submission.

So we have had good examples and bad examples that we've seen. But it's winning them without a word. What a wonderful example to be, you know, like Jesus again. You can say, but my husband doesn't know as much as I do of the word.

Well, Jesus could have lived in Nazareth. And said Joseph and Mary don't know as much as I know about God. And I know about his word. And he was absolutely right. And he saw Joseph and Mary sinning and he had never sinned.

And yet the Bible says till the age of 30, he submitted. Jesus is your example. Can you submit to somebody who is unconverted? Somebody who doesn't know the word? Well, look at Jesus. He submitted to Joseph and Mary.

You say I'm getting tired of it. Well, he didn't get tired after 30 years. And after 30 years of submitting to imperfect Joseph and Mary, you know what God said about Jesus at his baptism? This is my beloved son in whom I'm well pleased.

Do you want to hear those words? This is my beloved daughter in whom I'm well pleased. Do you think Jesus never suffered anything in those 30 years? How many times in those 30 years he had to deny himself to do what Joseph and Mary told him to do when he as a little boy probably didn't want to do that.

But he said, no, I will please my father. So the reason you submit to your husband is because God has said it. When you see it like that, it takes on a different color. Not because your husband says you submit to me.

No, God has said it. Be like Jesus Christ. I've said this, that if the Bible had said husbands submit to your wives, I would be the first person to do it. I'd go to my wife and say, well, darling, what do you want me to do now?