TLP 316: Understand Your Children’s Desires

Why Children Want What They Want

Why does she tattle on her brother? Why does he want to take things that don't belong to him? Why does she want to refuse to eat? Why does he want to text inappropriate pictures? Why do your children want to keep you at arm's length?

Welcome to Truth, Love, Parents, where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M. Brewster.

Welcome back, everyone. I am so glad you are here, and I'm extra glad we are all working back through this information together. It's so formative and necessary. As I edit these episodes for rebroadcasting, I'm hearing the information anew, and it's just so hugely important and applicable to where I am today.

And if you've been following along with my family's move, today we should all be recuperating from the move and the travel. Lord willing, we're at my parents' home in Brevard, North Carolina. I doubt we've even started unpacking.

It's a good possibility that the truck hasn't even shown up yet, but hopefully we're just sleeping and loving on grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. And hopefully we're also focusing on all the amazing things for which we can be thankful.

And hopefully you are too. Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so happy early Thanksgiving. And I think it's exceedingly valuable for Christian families to really spend time thinking about how good God is and then thanking Him for it.

If you'd like to hear some more about Thanksgiving and how the Christian can glorify God during it, I hope that you'll go over to truthloveparent .com. We have it right there, featured on the front page, all of our Thanksgiving episodes.

So please, just don't miss out on that, but really more importantly, don't miss out on the awesome opportunity to lead your family in thanks. Of course, if you guys are just joining us, I welcome you.

You may have found this episode because you Googled something like, "'Why does my kid want what he wants?'. And we hope to address that in great biblical detail today. But I wanna encourage you to start in episode 313 first.

We're doing an inductive study to discover why we and our kids do, say, feel, and want what comes so naturally to us. It's super important. I mean, it's really important. I believe it's the most important parenting truth we can mine from the scriptures.

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Will you please consider doing the same? We are a listener-supported ministry. Just click on the five ways to support TLP link in the description of this episode to learn more. All right, let's talk about why we want what we want.

Living in a delusion doesn't actually make life easier anyway. I mean, it simply requires us to lie to ourselves about the reality of life. That's why we feel like we have to blame everything else in our lives for the difficulties we face.

I'm responsible for my sinful actions, words, and feelings because I want to do them. That makes me culpable. And the same goes for you, your spouse, and your kids. We must not blame our sinful choices on anyone or anything else.

So with that said, I'm really excited about today. Today we're gonna discover the mirror's Christianity, and then we're going to apply that truth in the last two episodes, which will culminate on our 100th episode, which is all very exciting.

I know, so anyway, let's begin. Okay, so the question we're tackling today is why do you want what you want? Why do your children want what your children want? Why does she tattle on her brother? Why does he want to take things that don't belong to him?

Why does she want to refuse to eat? Why does he want to text inappropriate pictures? Why does she want to throw toys? Why does he not want to use the potty, but instead want to hide in a corner? Why do your children want to keep you at arm's length?

Why do you want what you want? I hope you've thought about it. You've had a few days now. Remember, we want the study to be as inductive as possible. We want it to be personal. And I know you can't give me verbal feedback, so let me see if I can answer some of your conclusions that you may have come up with.

Well, some people believe that desires are related to our emotions. Many dictionaries define desires as something wished for, and that sounds kind of like an emotional thing. But does that make them an emotion?

I really don't believe so. Last time we discussed that emotions are chemical reactions to physical stimuli. However, I believe desires are a reaction to mental stimuli. At the end of our last show, I made the observation that there's a unique relationship between our desires and thoughts.

Consider this. Your daughter sees a $20 bill sticking out of someone's wallet. She thinks, wow, I could use some extra money. That slowly turns into, I really wish I had that money. Those thoughts quickly spawn various ways she could take the money without being caught, and countless other ways she can excuse her actions.

And in hindsight, those thoughts will even turn themselves into ways of covering her tracks if someone were to point a finger at her. In the end, she chose to steal the money because she wanted to. She wanted to steal the money because of her thought process.

And as we've already seen, it's just like Eve in Genesis 3. She contemplated all the qualities of the fruit, she considered the perceived benefits, and she chose to take the fruit. The more we think about something, really, the more we want it.

Here's an interesting example I encounter often at Victory Academy for boys. I meet kids all the time who don't want to act like their parents. But these young people end up thinking about not wanting to be like their parents so much that they inevitably become exactly what they didn't want to be in the first place.

Despite the fact that they didn't want to become like their parents, the simple process of dwelling on the things in their parents that they didn't like became a formative part of their own development.

So I think that if we want to define desires, I believe a better definition than something wished for is desires are thoughts that have moved from contemplation to longing. But I don't think we can rightfully say that we want what we want because we think what we think.

Honestly, I believe desires are themselves thoughts. Though they may be a different kind of thought, they're still just mental machinations. So again, why do we do what we do? Let's ponder this a little bit more.

Consider these questions. If you lived in the 1400s, would you have chosen to sail with Columbus to the New World? What would your thoughts be on daily bathing if you lived a few hundred years ago? If you were an unsaved high schooler, in the public schools, would you think that Darwinian evolution is accurate science?

What about if you were born into a Muslim family? What religion would you likely subscribe to? Now, why would you do those things? Why would you think those things? Now, do you have an answer yet? All right.

Allow me to unfold my favorite object lesson. And this is my absolute favorite object lesson. I wish you could see it, I really do, but you're just gonna have to do your best to picture it in your mind.

Trust me, if you're doing something else right now, like working out or cooking, I highly suggest you just pause that for a moment and listen to this illustration. You don't wanna miss any of it. It's pretty intense.

I've done this illustration for a new group of people at least once a year, every year since 2007. But one of my favorite times was in 2013. At the time, I was teaching Bible at Schomburg Christian School to a group of about 100 junior hires.

So for the illustration, I asked two volunteers and I chose George and Kelly from the sea of hands that shot up. I also had a lady from our school health office there to help me out. On a table at the front of the class, I stuck a wad of silly putty onto the table and then took a knife with a five inch blade and I stuck the bottom into the silly putty so that the knife was facing straight up.

I then covered it with a brown paper bag. I also set out two other brown paper bags. Had you not known where the knife was, you wouldn't have been able to figure it out. I then explained that under cover of a blanket that I had brought, Mrs. Lewis from the health office was going to decide where she wanted to put the knife.

She could put it under the left bag, the middle bag or the right bag. She was free to put it wherever she wanted and she would be the only one who knew where the knife was. I made certain that I didn't look.

So when she finished, took her seat and the blanket was removed, all any of us could see were the three brown bags sitting upside down on the table with a little bit of tape to keep them from moving around on the table.

I then explained that for the illustration, George was going to represent God and Kelly would represent mankind. I then reviewed with them many of the things that we had studied that year. We had learned that God was all-knowing.

He was also all-loving, all-holy and all-wise. Therefore, not only did God know where the knife was, but he would never ask us to do anything that would be bad for us because he promises to work out all things for our greatest good if we love him and are participating in his plan to conform us to the image of Christ.

And we all know that, but oftentimes God asks us to do things that are uncomfortable because they go against our natural inclinations and sometimes we doubt him. I ask the kids to give me examples of this from their lives, but their examples really don't apply to us too much.

So for us parents, God wants us to be patient with our kids. He wants us to make the Bible the cornerstone of our family interactions. He wants us to communicate kindly at all times. Needless to say, these aren't always easy or comfortable.

So I turned to George and said, all right, since you're God, you obviously know where the knife is, but I'd like you to tell me one place the knife isn't. You can imagine George's expression. Eventually I got him to tell me with a significant amount of concern in his voice that he thought the knife wasn't under the far right bag.

Now I reminded him that of course he knew because God knows everything, he wasn't just guessing. Then I instructed Kelly that because God is who he says he is we must obey him. Then I instructed George to tell Kelly she needed to extend her arm, open her hand and as strong as she could, she needed to smash the far right bag with the palm of her hand.

Now Kelly wasn't too pleased with the idea. So I told her I'd help. I told her that she could imagine I was like the Holy Spirit. I wasn't going to force her, but I would help her do her best. So she flattened her palm and with my hand around her wrist, she pulled back and smashed the bag, which of course was empty, because God knows what he's talking about.

And then the whole room heaved a collective sigh. But then I went on to explain that there are things God commands us to do that go beyond uncomfortable. For the sake of today's audience, let me name a few.

How about disciplining our children? It's not only uncomfortable, but in some situations it's really, really hard. What about evangelizing your unsaved kids? Then there's submitting to your spouse when he or she wants to be intimate and you're exhausted.

Of course the students didn't name those things, but after I heard their list, I turned to George and asked him where the knife was not. I told him that most people would have a 50 -50 chance, but since he's God, he knows exactly where the knife isn't.

Strangely enough, George was very hesitant to commit to an answer, but eventually I pulled from him that he thought the knife wasn't under the middle bag. And then I told Kelly as before, she needed to obey God's command, and I instructed George to give Kelly the same command as before.

Amazingly enough, Kelly did a great job all by herself this time. Perhaps it was the first attempt worked so well, but she smashed the bag, revealing that George was right again. The whole room erupted in applause.

I gave George a high five and I found that his palms were soaking wet. The kid was seriously afraid for what might've happened to Kelly. I then sent the kids back to their seats and did my best to calm the room down.

Then I went back and I reviewed how God does ask us to do a lot of uncomfortable things. And he commands us to do many very hard things. But sometimes in our lives, he asks us to do impossible things.

This time, I didn't ask the kids to share the impossible things God had been asking them to do. Those things tend to be the most personal, but for us, perhaps I may name a couple. God wants us to forgive our unfaithful spouse.

He calls us to contentment in the face of a miscarriage. He tells us to have peace when our child is diagnosed with cancer. He even demands that believing wives submit to unsaved husbands. I then shared with the class the example of Abraham.

After finally receiving his son of promise, the son from whom Abraham's descendants would pour like the sands of the sea and from whom the savior of the world would come, God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son.

So Abraham and Isaac made their way up the mountain. You know, we've often focused completely on Abraham, but I think Isaac deserves some credit here too. Isaac, likely a strapping young man at this point, allowed his father to bind him on the altar, knowing what was going to happen.

Now, though we don't know Isaac's mind, we're actually able to see Abraham's mind in this situation because later in the Bible, we're told that Abraham believed that God would raise his son from the dead once he sacrificed him.

And just as Abraham and Isaac were about to do the impossible, God stayed Abraham's hand and provided a ram for the sacrifice. I then turned my gaze to Kelly. I called her back to the front of the class and had her take her place behind the table.

I then looked her in the eyes and I said, what I'm about to ask you to do won't make any sense. In fact, it may sound like a terrible idea and you're gonna be tempted to not want to obey. But Kelly, I need you to smash the bag that has the knife under it.

I remember with HD clarity how her eyes immediately welled up with tears and she involuntarily took a half step backward from the table. Then I looked at her again and I said, Kelly, you know me. You know that I care about you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you.

You need to smash the bag. That was the quietest any of you have ever heard a room of 100 junior hires. Kelly looked me deep in the eyes, took a step toward the table and then with all of her might she smashed the bag.

I don't know what mental gymnastics the average seventh and eighth grade mind had to do to make sense of what they saw, but there Kelly was with her hands smashed over an empty brown paper bag. There was an uproar of leftover screams of terror, groans of relief and that awkward laughter that bursts out when people are under too much stress.

So I tried as hard as I could to silence them and I asked just one question. And I want you to know that every time I've done this illustration, every time I've asked this question, the first person to raise their hand gets the answer right every time.

I asked this, why did Kelly smash the bag? Now, what do you think? Why did she do what she did? Do you know the answer? Well, in this particular illustration, Lisa was the first to raise her hand and the room went silent.

And she said simply, Kelly trusted you. And ladies and gentlemen, that was it. Kelly trusted me just like Abraham and Isaac trusted God. And I think it's important to know that the biblical words trust, belief and faith are almost universally interchangeable synonyms.

Let's go ahead and destruct this with the time we have remaining. And no, I'm not going to tell you how that illustration actually works. You're just gonna have to imagine yourself. But I do wanna take some time here because if God says live with your wife according to understanding, and I believe that I need to do that in order to please God and have a successful marriage, then I'm going to want to do it.

And if I want to do it, then I'm going to actually do it. If you tell your kids to clean their room and they believe they should obey, then they're going to want to obey and they will obey. However, if God tells me to live in an understanding way with my wife, but I believe it's more important for her to submit no matter what I say, then I'm not going to wanna work to do the work required to understand my wife.

And if your children doesn't believe that obedience is always necessary, they're not gonna wanna do what you say. And subsequently, they're just not gonna do it. One of the best verses that teaches this truth is James 2, 14 through 26.

Listen carefully. What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith, but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, go in peace, be warmed and filled without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?

So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, you have faith and I have works. Well, show me your faith apart from your works and I will show you my faith by my works.

You believe that God is one, you do well. Even the demons believe and shudder. Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless? Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up Isaac on the altar?

You see that faith was active along with his works and faith was completed by his works. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, Abraham believed God and it was counted to him as righteousness. And he was called a friend of God.

You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way, was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way?

For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead. Now, my intention is not to open a can of worms here. These verses do not teach a work salvation, but they do teach that salvation that comes by faith will necessarily require good works.

You cannot be saved and not bear good fruit to one degree or another. The reason I shared that passage was this. Yours and your family's fruit grow from what you believe about life. We can put it this way.

You do what you do, say what you say and feel what you feel because you want what you want. And you want what you want because you believe what you believe. And the same goes for your kids. Now, there's a lot more that needs to be said and another question that needs to be asked.

The question is, then why do we believe what we believe? Oh man, that is an important question. For now though, in our study, we're starting to understand really why we do what we do. It's not an accident.

It's not a foundationless whim. There's a reason we do what we do even when we don't know the reason. Allow me to finish with one more example. As I counsel the boys in my home, I find myself repeating this quite often.

If I genuinely believe that the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God of the universe wants me to obey for my greatest good and his greatest glory, then I will want to obey and I will work to do my best.

It's also true that a person who doesn't care about God isn't going to believe what he says and won't necessarily want to obey, at least for the same reasons that God says we should, and likely will only obey when he sees fit.

But what about the Christian kids who disobey? They believe God, right? Well, not technically. We may disobey brainlessly, but we don't disobey without purpose. A child may feel angry and refuse to wash the dishes, but we know their anger over the situation and subsequent refusal grew from the fact that they didn't want to do the dishes.

But why didn't they want to do the dishes? Well, at that moment, even without formulating a cohesive thought in their heads, they did, in fact, have a reason. In their heart of hearts, they didn't believe that submitting to authority was the best thing to do.

At that moment, they believed that refusing was the best course of action. They believed that not doing the dishes was going to be the best thing for them. But you say, yeah, but Aaron, they know what God says about obedience.

Sure, but knowing and believing are not the same thing. Ladies and gentlemen, please, if you don't hear anything else I say today, please hear this. Knowing something and believing something are not the same thing.

And that's what we're gonna talk about next time. So please join me for that very important discussion as we answer the question, why do your children believe what they believe? Before then, I encourage you to check out our free episode notes on our blog, Taking Back the Family, which you can find at truthlofeparent .com.

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And as always, if you just need to get some practical help for applying this information to your family, or you just have questions because you're really trying to understand it, please don't hesitate to email counselor at truthlofeparent .com.

As I've observed a number of times during this study, this material is hard because it exposes the dirtiness of our souls. Hopefully now though, we can start to understand why Paul considered himself the chief of sinners and didn't go around blaming everyone else for his bad choices.

Let that realization impress you, not depress you. Let it impress on your heart the need that we all have for Christ. Let it motivate you to trust him more and teach your children to do the same. Have a great week.

Truth, Love, Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.