Church Soup Ep.10 (A.I. Powered Ouija Boards and more!)

The Show Opens and Returns from Break

Welcome back to Church Soup, the greatest evangelical news show in the history of the internet. I'm your host, Keith Foskey, pastor, husband, father, humorist, and little known fact, unofficial representative of Harbor Freight Tools.

We took some time away from Church Soup recently as we focused on Open Borders October, and during our break we had the opportunity to meet with focus groups to find a way to revitalize the show for the fall season.

We settled on this tie. Nice. Our top story. Hasbro, the beloved toy company who brought us G .I. Joe, Transformers, and the Power Rangers, is now offering an A .I.-powered Ouija board.

A.I.-Powered Ouija Boards and the Dangers of the Spirit World

The new A .I.-powered Ouija board. You've got questions, and the spirit world has answers. Summon the spirits from your phone or computer, if you dare.

Just think, all the dark powers of hell at your fingertips for the low, low price of only your soul. Hey kids, come in here. We're going to summon the devil. In all seriousness, if horror movies have taught me anything, it's number one, your car will never start right away when you're being chased by a masked killer, and number two, using a Ouija board never, ever goes well.

Especially when the Ouija board is equipped with Skynet-level A .I. technology. This is basically a crossover of the Demon from Poltergeist and the T -800 from The Terminator. Listen, just play Monopoly.

It's safe, family-friendly, and it teaches you all about the joys of capitalism as you attempt to economically destroy others while building your own personal net worth. And there's nothing evil about that at all.

The Chosen, Biblical Fan Fiction, and New TV Parodies

In entertainment news, controversy continues to grow with The Chosen, the wildly popular series based on the life of Jesus. The most recent issue arose when the character of Jesus was portrayed telling Nicodemus not to bow down to him, something the director Dallas Jenkins admits is not in the biblical account, but says was on-brand for Jesus as far as he's concerned.

With the growing popularity of shows like The Chosen, Netflix has decided to jump into the biblical fan fiction genre with the new series Messiah, The Teenage Years. Tom Holland has been cast in the titular role, which seeks to follow a young Jesus through his adolescent angst, dealing with events like learning to drive a car and going to his high school prom.

Christianity Today said it may be the boldest interpretation of the life of the Savior since the last temptation of Christ. In addition, the producer of Hell's Kitchen has decided to take a new look at church life with Pot Providence, which will follow Gordon Ramsay as he visits churches across the country, crashing fellowship dinners, tasting crockpot recipes and casseroles, and providing his unvarnished opinion on what is edible and what is awful.

It's going to be an explosive season as Sister Bertha, who's never taken kindly to anyone daring to challenge her culinary expertise, goes head-to-head with Gordon over her creative use of Velveeta cheese.

Charismatic Claims and Population Control Politics

In charismatic news, a video has surfaced of an unnamed pastor claiming to perform the miracle of Jesus at Cana by turning a bottle of water into wine. Miraculous. In political news, Jane Goodall spoke before the World Economic Forum recently and argued that the world would be better off if there was a massive population reduction.

We cannot hide away from human population growth because, you know, it underlies so many of the other problems. All these things we talk about wouldn't be a problem if there was the size of population that there was 500 years ago.

Goodall, of course, is famous for her work with chimpanzees and continues going around the world spreading a message of conservation. Honestly, I was surprised when I heard that Goodall was still alive, which is ironic considering the fact that she believes about 90 of us shouldn't be.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the next video we see of Goodall is her training chimps to administer vaccination shots. In Second Amendment news, recently the ladies of The View proved yet again why people who know nothing about firearms.

Shouldn't be commenting on them. Yeah, I would love to see an assault weapons ban. Like President Reagan, I don't believe they're a sport or hunting instrument. It's like shooting fish in a bucket, but that's my take.

If you shoot with an AR -15, let's say you shoot a deer, you can't eat it because you basically demolish the animal.

Now, it is true that most hunters don't use the AR -15 for hunting, not because the round demolishes the animal carcasses like a bazooka, but because the round itself is actually too small and really only appropriate for a medium-sized game.

The 5 .56 round shot by the AR -15 is actually about half the size of a normal hunting round, similar to the brain of the average View host, which is about half the size of a normal homeschool mom. In education news, a portion of a student's paper from Rider University in New Jersey is making the rounds on social media to show that not all research papers include good research.

The paper, entitled A Half Century of Class and Gender, discusses the ways that television sitcoms have reinforced images that the middle class is better than the working class. In it, the author states the following, quote, The occupation of Hank of King of the Hill is unspecified, but the setting suggests a blue-collar suburb, end quote.

Unspecified. He said the occupation of Hank Hill is unspecified. This may be the best example of someone writing about something they don't know about that I've ever seen. If you don't know what Hank Hill does for a living, you've never seen the show.

But for all of you who do, definitely shout it out in the comments below. Finally, the world is a little less funny today with the passing of actor Matthew Perry. Made famous for his portrayal of the humorous Chandler Bing on the hit show Friends, Perry passed away sadly at the age of 54.

Could we be any more sad? The untimely passing of Perry is a good reminder to all of us that no one is promised another day. The Bible says it is appointed for us all to die, and after this is judgment.

We've all broken God's law and deserve God's punishment, but God has provided salvation through his son Jesus Christ to all who will believe. If you have never repented of sin and trusted in Christ, I encourage you to do that today.

Thank you again for watching Church Soup. If you like the show, please hit the thumbs up button. And if you didn't, go ahead and hit the thumbs down button twice. If you have news ideas for a future show, please leave them in the comments below with the hashtag church soup.