TLP 130: The Three Family Loves, Part 3 | the love that should be natural

Natural Affection and the Love That Should Be Natural

God created us with a natural, instinctual affection for things around us, but this natural affection isn't always natural.

Welcome to Truth, Love, Parents, where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M.

Brewster.

Welcome back to our study of the four family loves, or as we saw last time, the three family.

Loves.

If you're just joining us, welcome to the number one podcast for Christian parents on iTunes. Mindy, the creator of Boogie Wipes and president of Juicebox Moms, recently gave us a five-star rating and left this review, quote, Getting to the heart and motivation of issues in parenting is the only way to truly parent with the love of Jesus.

The tools, wisdom, and practical applications my husband and I find here for help raising our blended family of six have been absolutely extraordinary. We are so grateful, unquote. Thank you so much, Mindy.

I couldn't agree with you more. There is nothing more revolutionary for our parenting than the truth of Christ and the love of Christ. And speaking of love, we are five episodes into our month-long discussion on biblical love, so if you are new to the show, I strongly recommend you stop this episode and start with number 126 so you can understand the foundation of our discussion.

However, if you and your family are returning to hear about the first real family love, I welcome you and hope you're ready to get into God's Word. And I hope you share this episode on social media and take a moment to rate and review us on iTunes.

We'd love to hear what your family is learning. Alright, last time we discussed the Greek concept of love called eros, and we saw that it's not so much love as it is lust. It's selfishness that takes from others and rejects them when we don't get what we want.

It's not the biblical romantic love that some people have made it out to be. We'll learn about that love in a couple episodes. But today we'll be learning about another Greek word for love. And if you think that all this Greek is unnecessary, let me encourage you.

The New Testament was written primarily in Greek and Aramaic. The biblical writers didn't use the English word love with all of its modern denotations and connotations. The Holy Spirit inspired the biblical authors to use the word we're going to discuss today.

That's why it's important to understand what the authors meant. Now, many people refer to today's word as storge, but there's an issue with that. Just like eros, the root word storge doesn't appear anywhere in Scripture.

But two forms of the word do show up in three different verses. So we're going to start by discussing the Greek understanding of the word, then look at the three passages where the Bible uses it.

Are you ready?

Here we go. Storge is interesting because this love has its basis in one's own nature. Unlike eros, it has its basis in selfish desire. Storge is a natural affection or a natural obligation. Even infants who don't possess the ability to cognitively exercise their selfishness feel this affection.

It's a natural movement of the soul for a husband, wife, child, friend, or even a pet. It's a quiet, abiding feeling within a person that rests on something close to him about which he feels good. It's also interesting to note that like eros, anyone can feel storge.

You don't have to be a Christian to feel this love for another person. Now, that doesn't mean this love is not true love or that it's some sort of perversion. That's true of eros. It is a perversion, but not of storge.

God created us with an instinctual affection for things around us. Children feel it most strongly with their parents. Pets can also receive this love, you know, they're part of the family too. And if you have ever lost a pet, you understand storge.

If you had eros for a pet, which would be really weird, you may have been mad when it died because you no longer received any benefit from the pet. And there are definitely people like that. But I think most people who lose a pet, or especially a loved one, experience storge most profoundly.

But here's the unique thing about storge. For the most part, it's usually unconditional. It doesn't matter if the baby's parents are good people or not. The baby storges them anyway because it's simply a natural response to those to whom we feel close.

Romans 1 and the Loss of Natural Affection

But this natural affection isn't always natural. And with that, let's jump into Romans chapter 1. I've referenced this chapter a number of times, but today we're going to investigate it a little deeper.

Here's a quick overview of verses 18 through 26. Basically, the passage tells us that there are people who know truth about God, but they reject that truth and follow their own hearts. They basically eros their way through life, and God allows their wickedness to destroy.

Them.

It's a scary passage because in verse 26, it says that God gives them up to dishonorable passions. He allows them to destroy themselves with their sin. And then we get to verse 28 where God gives them up even more.

Verses 28 through 30 say this, Now let me stop right here for a moment. This is really important for the children in the room to grasp. Did you hear that awful list of terrible sins? Evil, murder, deceit, haters of God.

Well guess what the next sin is? God says that people who reject his truth are, quote, disobedient to parents. If you don't obey your parents, you have the same thing in common with murderers and haters of God.

You're rejecting God's truth. Let that sink in for a second, and then we'll continue with our list. So Paul continues with his depressing list. Disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless, though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die.

They not only do them, but give approval to those who practice them, unquote. Now there's a lot going on in there, but did you hear our word? Did you catch which of those words had storge as its Greek base?

The word was heartless, and in the Greek, it would sound like astorge. When you put the letter A in front of something, generally speaking, you negate the root word. For example, asocial means not social, amoral means not moral, atypical means not typical.

That's called an alphaprivative, and it's used in the Greek or in English words borrowed from the Greek. So here in Romans 1, the word astorge means without natural affection. In fact, that's how it's translated in the King James, and the New American Standard translates it unloving.

Now at the beginning of the episodes, I mentioned that storge isn't found in the Bible, but two forms of it were found in three different verses. Before we discuss the implications of astorge, let's look at the one other verse where astorge is found.

For that, we turn to 2 Timothy 3. In this passage, Paul is explaining to Timothy what the world will be like in the last days. Let's start in verse 1. But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty, for people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.".

This passage sounds almost identical to Romans 1. As time goes on, more and more people will reject God. We saw that in the days of Noah, and we see that today. Broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many there be that find it.

Well, as people reject the truth of God, they will exercise more and more of their depravity. So much could be said about each of the sins we just read, but hopefully this time the word heartless stuck out to you.

That's our word astorge. So what does it mean that people can be without natural affection? If it's natural, how can you not have it? Well, these are the only two times in the Bible where the word is used.

That means that much of what we can learn will come from these two passages. And as we already mentioned, astorge is a natural, instinctual love. It's an extension of God's common grace to us. But it appears that repeatedly rejecting the truth of God removes a person from this grace of God.

Ephesians 4, 17 -19 sheds some light on this for us. Now, this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them.

Due to their hardness of heart, they have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learn Christ. You see how having a hard heart caused their minds to be dark and futile, and they became alienated from God.

And because of that, they eventually became callous. A callous is a tough layer of skin that's built up because of repeated friction. I have callouses from playing the guitar, the martial arts, and working in the garden.

But God is saying that because of the repeated friction of coming in contact with God's truth and rejecting it, a person can become callous in their spirits. This causes them to give in to sensuality and greed and impure lifestyles.

So it's clear that we lose our natural affection, our storge, by repeatedly refusing to submit to God. Now, I have more to say about this when it comes time to apply this to our families, but I want to look at the one other verse that mentions a version of storge.

For that, we're going back to Romans, but this time we'll be in chapter 12. Verses 9 through 13 read, Let love be genuine, abhor what is evil, hold fast to what is good, love one another with brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer, contribute to the needs of the saints, and seek to show hospitality.

Now the word love was used a number of times, but only one of those loves is the word for which we're looking. We'll talk about the other ones in a later episode. The word for which we're looking is translated love at the beginning of verse 10, love one another with brotherly affection.

But what's interesting about this word is that it's almost a mix of two of the three family loves. The Greek word is philostorgos. It's a combination of storge and philos, and philos means beloved, dear, and friendly.

The love word we're going to study next time is phileo, which clearly has the same prefix. What's interesting is that we're being commanded to feel this love hybrid. Now remember, storge is no word commanded of us because it's considered a natural affinity, and the biblical author chose not to use the word phileo.

So what's being commanded here and what's the implication? Well, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the Apostle Paul is commanding us to exercise a devotion that should be natural among believers.

In fact, the New American Standard Bible translates philostorgos as devoted. All of this is to say, whether we're born again or not, we should all exhibit the natural affection for family that God created us to have.

But once you're born again to a new spiritual family, God expects that there will be a new kind of natural affection for our fellow believers. So what's the application of all this for your family? Well, number one, God created all of you to love each other with a natural affection.

Do you experience that natural affection that enjoys being around your family? When something negative happens to your family, do you respond with a desire to protect them? My sister and I were always best friends, but when I got into ninth grade, I started rejecting God's truth, and one of the consequences was that my sister and I started to drift apart because I was a jerk.

But one day, my dad and my sister played a practical joke on me and my mom. My mom and I were waiting in the car for my dad and sister to get back from picking up a few things in the grocery store, when my dad came out and pretended that he didn't know where my sister was.

I remember being so angry with my dad and immediately jumped out of the car to find her and kill anyone who may have threatened her safety. You see, even though I wasn't exercising the most godly type of love with my sister, I still had Storge holding on.

By God's grace, as I started to submit back to God's truth, I started loving my sister.

More.

We went back to being best friends, and I never became so callous that I lost my natural affection for her. But what about you? Does the thought of losing any of your family members make you sad? If not, your callousness may be growing, and that makes number two very important.

This natural affection can only be lost as we repeatedly choose to disobey God's truth. Do you love your pet more than you love your parents? Does the idea of spending an evening home playing games with your family make you cringe?

Mom, if I told you that you would have to homeschool your child for the rest of the year, how would that make you feel? You see, when that natural affection starts to callous over, we must not blame the other person.

It's super easy for parents terrorized by their child to blame the kid for the aversion they now feel. It's second nature for children to blame their parents when the child starts to grow away from them.

But the reality is that if your natural affections are slipping, it's your fault. And the reason is distressing because it can only mean that somewhere in your life you're repeatedly choosing to disobey God's commands.

And the really scary thing about it is your sinful choices may not have anything to do with the family member you're struggling to store gay. Choices at work can cause a man to drift away from his wife.

Inappropriate responses to trials in the extended family can affect the relationship between a child and her parent. Even repeatedly responding sinfully to tensions at church can cause our natural affections to break down at home.

The point is, if we feel that natural affection slipping away, the answer is personal and the answer is sin. So number three, if you and your family members are born again, God actually commands you to exhibit philostargos for your born again family.

You see, this is a much bigger deal. Regular old store gay comes naturally and can't be commanded, but the natural affection amongst the family of God can be commanded. How do you feel toward your saved children, parents, and siblings?

Do you enjoy spending time with your born again family, with your extended born again family at church? Is that something to which you look forward? What about family devotions? And what about right now?

You see, if you don't enjoy that, if you're not drawn to spending time with your saved family and God, then there's a problem. Number four, this natural affection for other believers can also be lost only when we choose to disobey God's truth.

Like we observed before, if your parents are saved and you really don't like hanging out with them, the issue is yours. I'm not saying they don't do annoying things. I'm not saying they make consistent strides to be likable and lovable.

I'm simply saying that there should be a deep and abiding affection for family, and that's on you. Only consistent sin steals that from us. So how's your family doing? This is the first of the three family loves, and it's the easiest.

You were born with this love. The other loves tend to be more challenging because they require more. So if you're struggling with this natural, instinctual love, you're definitely going to be struggling with the later ones.

Regaining Natural Affection Through Repentance and Intentional Family Time

But before we finish up today, hopefully some of you are asking, wait, what do I do if my storge is gone? Is there any way to get it back? That's a fantastic question, and I definitely want to answer it before we finish.

Now, many of you may not be asking that question either because it's not an issue in your family or you don't care to rectify the problem, but I encourage you to listen to the answer anyway. Families who don't currently have this issue can glean some helpful ways to strengthen and maintain your storge, and families that do have this issue can benefit in two ways.

Families who realize they need to regain this love will have things they can work on, and even if the culprit has no desire to glorify God by loving his or her family, you moms and dads can benefit by knowing how to create an environment that may one day help them submit to God and regrow that natural affection.

All right, so in closing, here are some practical ways you can learn to love your family again or help your unwilling family. Number one, repent of your sin. Now, you can't do this for your unwilling kids, but you can teach them about repentance and the need for them to return to truth.

When you rightly see God and when you rightly see yourself in light of God's Word, and if you truly believe what God has to say about family love, you will want to repent. You will want to change. This is the most important part of rebuilding storge in your life.

Natural affection dies in an atmosphere of habitual, unrepentant sin. It's like throwing salt in a garden. If you want something to grow, you need to start by refusing to throw any more salt in the garden, and then you need to start cultivating the ground.

Number two, one way you can do this is by scheduling deliberate time to recreate with your family, specifically the family with whom you're at odds. Now, this can be tricky, and this takes a significant amount of prayer and a deliberate desire to glorify God.

Generally speaking, if you're becoming calloused in your natural affections, then things are pretty rocky as it is. Much of the time you spend together is probably dripping with relational carnage. Start slow.

Keep the word recreate in mind. The word means to recreate, to create again. Look at it as an opportunity to create a new relationship with that family member. If you're already a strong family in this area, you still need to take deliberate times for recreation.

Many times our relationships get strained because we push them and push them, and we go through difficult family times, and we just assume the good relationships will hang in there under the strain. By God's grace, they can, but a wise family will regularly schedule times for the family to enjoy each other.

So number three, be people who are fun to be around. This is a big one. No one wants to recreate or create for the first time, and for that matter, a relationship with someone who's a jerk. Parents, there's no excuse for not being any fun.

There's no excuse for not pretending with your kids. There's no excuse for not having a tea party or playing Uno or running around outside or going on a bike ride or, God forbid, actually sitting down and playing your kid's favorite video game with them from time to time.

Storge thrives when we have fun together, but it's really helpful to be fun people. I work in a place with guys who often have little to no natural affection and who are not always fun to be around, and sometimes it's nothing more than the work of the spirit in me to have fun with the guys.

That is a response of a mature believer, and most of the kids aren't there. Let's make it easy on them. But kids, this goes for you too. It doesn't have to be about you. In fact, if it's consistently about you, then you are well on your way to callousing your heart and losing your natural affection.

So to recap, all of us need to repent of our sin and submit to God. Second, we need to intentionally and premeditatively plan for family time. And third, we need to have and be fun. I highly recommend you listen to one of our earliest episodes, episode 8.

It's called One Step to Making Family Time Work, and it offers one important thing to remember, especially for parents of younger children or children who have interests that differ from yours. And lastly, number four, we need to be productive in our relationships.

I mentioned earlier that infants have natural affection for their parents, even if they're not the greatest people. That doesn't always last. As the other person becomes more attentive, your shortcomings will be a larger and larger strain on the relationship.

But it's pretty easy for an infant to give their natural affection to someone who's not their parent. A parent who abandons their child sacrifices that storge, and it will likely be given to the next person who cares for and provides for the child.

It's great and super important to have fun, but I firmly believe that storge thrives in relationships where people are beneficially caring for one another to the glory of God. So that's storge. It's the love that should be natural.

I hope it's flourishing in your family. If it's not, I pray your family will repent, submit to God, and start cultivating relationships where storge can regrow and thrive. But as I said earlier, this love, as wonderful as it is, is the simplest of the three family.

Loves.

Closing Encouragement and Support for TLP

Next time, we'll talk about a family love that grows as we invest. And you know what would be really loving? Sharing this episode with your friends and family. It's super easy to share this from the Apple Podcast app, and most podcast directories have that option as well.

You can also swing by truthloveparent .com and enjoy our other parenting resources, including today's episode notes on our blog, Taking Back the Family. And I want to take a moment to thank Ray and Carolyn for being two of our equipping patrons.

Their monthly gifts allow us to continue creating these podcasts, gives me time to write my book about God's cure for family strife, and equips us to minister to families all over the world. If you'd like to learn more about how you can support TLP, please click on the 5 ways to support TLP link in the description.

We are a listener-supported ministry, and even if it's just a dollar a month, your gift can help us deepen and broaden our ministry to families. And if your family needs help, and you feel like you have no other mature Christian to whom to turn, I encourage you to reach out to us at counselor at truthloveparent .com.

Love doesn't have to be complicated. God actually wired us to love, and even when we've worked hard to desensitize ourselves to love, God calls us to repent and provides the strength to change. Have a great day!

Truth.

Love. Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.