TLP 27: The 5th Way to Parent, Part 2 | the only parenting style that glorifies God

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Yahweh, the perfect father, had children who rebelled, the nation of Israel. But by being the fifth parent, at least you're not getting in the way.

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Welcome to Truth, Love, Parents, where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, AM Brewster. Thank you so much for joining me. For those of you who didn't hear episode 26, you will need to go back and listen to that one before continuing with today's discussion.

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This is the second part of our study, The Fifth Way to Parent. And I believe you won't really be able to apply this information as you should without the foundation we laid in part one.

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So please go ahead and check that out now if you haven't already heard it. And for those of you coming back, thank you so much for not holding a grudge about that unfortunate cliffhanger last week.

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I do praise the Lord that you're back and I look forward to opening God's Word with you today. But before we do that, let me say that though I've been encouraging you to leave ratings and reviews and making it sound like it was the easiest thing in the world, some of you have gotten back with me because you've run into an issue doing it.

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I think it has to do with the iPhone's podcast app not liking me or something. I don't know.

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Seriously though, if you've subscribed to Truth, Love, Parent, and if you open the app, you won't find anywhere to rate or review it.

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So this is what you need to do. On the bottom right of the screen, you'll see a magnifying glass that says Search.

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Click on that and type the words Truth, Love, and Parent. You'll find it in the search results.

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When you click on the podcast, you'll then see Reviews in the middle of the page. If you click on that, you'll then be given an option to, quote, write a review.

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If you click on that, you may be prompted to input your Apple ID and at which point you will finally be able to rate our podcast and write a review.

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But please don't allow the annoyance you may feel over the complicated process keep you from doing it or cause you to leave a negative review.

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I'm sorry, it's not our fault, but we are thankful to those who brave the treacherous path that is leaving reviews on iTunes.

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I will say, for your edification though, that leaving a review and rating it is much easier from a desktop or iMac.

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I do highly recommend it, but you'll still have to search for it in the store. Even there, they just couldn't make it easy.

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Oh well. And I'd like to publicly say thank you to Crin for giving us a five -star rating and leaving the following review.

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She said that TLP is an excellent resource for parenting and that parents and grandparents alike will greatly benefit from these short messages.

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We highly recommend listening. Thank you very much, Crin. We do appreciate that. And before we conclude the fifth way to parent,

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I do want to apologize for the sound of my voice. I am under the weather, but I needed to record this so we could get it out on Tuesday so you could hear the conclusion, even though you kind of have to sound to me sounding a little bit froggy.

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All right. So now the conclusion of the fifth way to parent. Last time we answered the question, who am

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I, by discussing the four sinful parenting styles called the dictator, joker, doormat, and judge.

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We saw that they all had different combinations of high and low expectations for themselves and their children.

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And hopefully we were able to recognize which of those parents we tend to be the most like. By the way, I will tell you, if you weren't able to figure it out, please ask your spouse.

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I guarantee you once they've listened to the podcast, they will probably have a very strong opinion on which of those four fleshly parenting styles you struggle with the most.

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That doesn't need to be obviously a point of contention between the two of you. That should be a wonderful conversation where both of you help the other one to see who they tend to be like when they're tempted to respond in the wrong way.

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Then we left off our discussion by answering the second question, who is God? Because when we understand who we are and who

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God is, only then can we answer the third question, which we didn't get to last time. What does that mean for my parenting today?

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As we answered the second question about God, we saw that he is many things. He has communicable attributes and incommunicable characteristics.

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And on top of that, he's infinite and will probably spend the rest of eternity being unable to grasp his greatness.

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So for our purposes, we just studied God's expectations for himself and for his children.

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I pointed out last time that the dictator was likely very happy to hear that God has high expectations for himself and his children, and that the joker parent was probably freaking out.

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We also noticed that the doormat and the judge were probably conflicted because at least half the time, they agree that someone should have high standards.

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I'm curious to know what your initial response was, and I encourage you to share it with us in the comments. My initial response, if I had heard this, would be like, yes, sweet.

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Having my natural reaction being the dictator parent, hearing that God has high expectations,

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I would have seen that as a validation for my parenting style. Of course, I would have been wrong, because I also observed last time that the quote -unquote high standards approach couldn't possibly be the best way to parent.

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Otherwise, the best parenting style would be the dictator. But the truth is, there's a very huge difference between God's perfect parenting style and the other four, because God's expectations are nothing like ours, high or not.

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So what's the difference, you ask? Well, the difference is this, God's standards are his own.

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You see, he sets the standard. He is the standard. Leviticus 11, 44 and 45, and 1

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Peter 1, 16 tells us this unequivocally, You, we, shall be holy, for I, God, am holy.

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You shall be holy, for I am holy. The difference between the first four parents and the fifth parent is what the expectations are founded on.

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Whether they were high or low, the dictator, joker, doormat, and judge's expectations were all grounded in their personality, their preferences, their desires, not

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God's. All right, so now we get to ask the final question. What does all of this mean for my parenting today?

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And this is the answer. We need to embrace the fifth way to parent by throwing off our fleshly expectations and becoming what

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I like to call the ambassador parent. You know what an ambassador is, right?

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When the ambassador for America visits another country, he isn't there to share his opinions or represent his preferences.

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He's there to give the best possible impression of his country. Well, that's what we're called to do in our parenting.

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You weren't made a parent by God so you could rule over your own little domain. You are to represent

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Him in your home, speak His words in your living, and give the best impression of His kingdom that you can.

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I would highly recommend you listen to episode 7 if you haven't already. That episode is titled, Stop Being the

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Leader, and it deals with the concept of the first follower. The first follower idea perfectly describes the ambassador because as the first follower in her home, the ambassador's main goal in all she does is to emulate

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Christ. In Philippians 3 .12, Paul exemplifies this idea of the first follower.

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He says, He's saying,

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I am following after Christ so that I may attain to what He has expected of me.

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Also, as a first follower, the ambassador sets Christ's example before the people following him.

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Paul also models this for us well in 1 Corinthians 4 .16 -17 when he says, I beseech you, be ye followers of me.

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For this cause I have sent unto you Timotheus, who shall bring you into remembrance of my ways which be in Christ, as I teach everywhere in every church.

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See, Paul wanted the church in Corinth to follow him as he followed Christ. In fact, he wanted the people to follow Timothy as Timothy followed

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Paul as Paul followed Christ. And here's the key difference between the ambassador and the other four parents. The ambassador parent has high biblical expectations for self and high biblical expectations for others.

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At this point in the discussion, the dictators and the judges and the doormats may still be wondering how that's any different than their own high expectations that they've pulled from the

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Bible. And hopefully this will clarify it. Of course, the biggest issue is that I, as a dictator parent, may have high expectations that I've developed from the scriptures.

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But the real motivation, and that's the key, the real motivation for my children reaching those expectations has really nothing to do with God when

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I'm being a dictator. I like reaching those expectations because I like it. I want my children to reach them because I want that for them.

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When we're in town, I want my children to be polite and kind because of how it reflects on me.

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That's a dictator, not an ambassador. Even though the expectations of being kind and polite are biblical, the main motivation was my own pride.

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That is not an ambassador at all. So let's take a moment to see what really is a high biblical expectation for self and for our children.

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Let's start with ourselves. A high biblical expectation really for self has everything to do with godly priorities.

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The ambassador speaks God's truth, not their opinions, not their preferences, not their desires.

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When you delight yourself in the Lord, he gives you your desires, but your desires have then become intrinsically his because he ultimately is your desire.

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Jesus said, if you love me, keep my commandments. I desire to do right because I love him. The ambassador is motivated by God's purposes and God's glory, not his own.

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As I mentioned before, it's important to realize that God sets very high standards for his people. Again, in 1

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Peter 1 .16, be holy as I am holy. The joker and the doormat fail because they often do not expect

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God's highest in others or themselves. And the dictator fails because though he may have expectations founded in biblical principles, the motivation for those expectations grow out of their own fleshly desires.

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But the ambassador has very high expectations for behavior that is governed by God's will, not the ambassador's annoyances or preferences.

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And since God's word addresses the content of our expectations, as well as the purpose of our expectations, the ambassador lives to not only do right, but to do it for the right reasons.

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So that's the high biblical expectations for self. Now let's look at the high biblical expectations for others, which is lived out really through Christlike patience, meaning this, they speak

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God's truth in God's love. TLP's theme verse is

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Ephesians 4 .15, But speaking truth in love, we may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even

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Christ. Truth without love is a sin, because we're supposed to love in all things.

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And love without truth really isn't love, and that's a sin too. We need both. The dictator and the judge are regularly tempted with unkindness, impatience, pride, and pessimism in their parenting responses.

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This hurts their ability to influence their children, because no one likes submitting to a demigod.

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I love this scene from the first Avengers movie where Loki, who happens to be a self -proclaimed god, has just been smashed repeatedly into the floor by the

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Incredible Hulk. Enough! You are all of you beneath me. I am a creature, and I will not be bullied by...

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And you know what? That's what we are. We are puny gods, and our children are not interested in worshipping us.

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I've said it before, if our child is not interested in that moment of worshipping the

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God of the universe, what makes us think they want to worship us? And when our personal expectations are the basis for our parenting, we've removed

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God from the throne of our home and firmly planted our illegitimate rule in his place.

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If you get furious in your parenting, if you become impatient, if you get scared, you can mark it down with 100 % biblical certainty that you're not being an ambassador, because the motivation, the purpose of your expectations isn't correct, even if the content of the expectation may be quote -unquote biblical.

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Because the ambassador acknowledges that the child's sin is ultimately against God, he doesn't struggle with sinful anger, hurt feelings, or fear in light of the quote -unquote terrible twos or the quote -unquote rebellious teens.

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Okay, so we've learned which of the four fleshly parenting styles we're drawn to, and we also saw that we probably float back and forth among a few of them.

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We've also seen the very high calling that the ambassador has. So I'd like to finalize this discussion by putting some more practical flesh on it.

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We're going to work through a short case study and see the vast difference between the first four ways of parenting and the fifth way to parent.

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And we're going to call this case study simply lying, something I'm certain that all of us have had to deal with with our children.

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You see, the dictator parent's goal is to have honest children, and that seems okay because it sounds biblical.

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Therefore, he will issue immediate punishment, and any quote -unquote counseling he does will revolve mainly around how the child has offended the parent and or God, and how the child will fail at life with such bad character.

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It may even contain very biblical sounding admonishment about displeasing the Lord. But when the dictator points to God's word, it will be used primarily as an unloving blunt object with which to beat the child into a guilt trip submission because in the end, the main goal is for the dictator to have honest children.

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Now, please keep in mind, this is a caricature. Not every part of this is always true of all of us, but something tells me if you're a dictator parent, as I tend to be, many of those points, if we're being honest with ourselves, we can see that in the way we've handled issues in the past.

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On the other hand, the joker parent has the same goal as the dictator, but she also wants a stress -free home.

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Therefore, this parent will likely not issue correction until the lying begins to grate against her long -suffering nature, offends her more than usual, or causes so much trouble with teachers or pastors that the joker parent has been called into a very uncomfortable conference to discuss her child's behavior.

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At this point, she'll generally approach the child from a quote -unquote friendish standpoint and come across very loving, but her counsel will likely lack a biblical emphasis on the severity, cause, and cure for sin.

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That would take work, and it's easier just to have a nice chat with no follow -up or accountability. She'll often point back to the child's relationship with her as the real motivation to stop lying.

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It's not that she won't talk about God, but it's not as easy to engender a simple, emotional, and quick response when you talk about God.

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And the joker parent will do all of this because her goal is to have a stress -free, honest home.

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The doormat parent's sanity cannot survive in a house with problems. She will first question her own ability to rear honest children.

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Then she will speak with her dictator -slash -judge husband, who will tell her that she needs to discipline more. She will inevitably ramp up the discipline because that's the expectation that was put on her.

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But true biblical counsel will likely be relegated to a casual morality tale, including plenty of admission to personal guilt on the part of the parent, but little genuine accountability for the child.

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These techniques work when you believe it's God's will for you to work your fingers to the bone to have a pristine, honest home.

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Now, the judge parent secretly relishes home problems. Without them, he would have little to complain about.

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Being angry becomes an enjoyable prospect for the judge, so when the children start lying, he would probably let the consequences fly if he didn't feel at least a little guilty about the lies he's been telling recently at work.

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Or he may just let the consequences fly, and all the while, his child will be unable to shake the thought that his parent is just a giant hypocrite.

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Any quote -unquote counsel would likely come off a very terse, judgmental, and unloving. But the real fun would begin when complaining to his colleagues or spouse about his lying kid.

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This is true because the judge may want to have honest kids, but as long as he can soapbox to others about the ills of the world, he'll feel much better.

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However, the ambassador's goal is not a problem -free home.

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He knows that's an impossible goal. His goal is not even to have an honest home.

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He knows that goal is far too below the standard. His goal is a

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Christ -honoring home, where sin is handled in a biblical way that promotes spiritual growth and glorifies

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God. Therefore, he would definitely give premeditated consequences for sinful behavior, as it is not only his job, but it is a necessary part of the child learning that sin will hurt him and everyone else close to him.

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At the same time, the ambassador parent will realize that consequences are alone impotent to affect real change, and would then spend the bulk of his time praying for his child and focusing on God's word and intentional discipleship with the child.

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The ambassador would admonish the child from God's word, helping him see that the root of his lying was not merely fear or malice, but a deeper and far greater misunderstanding of who

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God is. His counsel will not be used to tear down, but to edify with truth.

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The child likely could not help but see that his parent cares for him in his relationship with God.

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The ambassador would then happily look for opportunities to reconnect with his child about his honesty, with a premeditated desire for discipleship and growth.

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But before we finish up here, I need to clarify something. I said earlier that wanting a quote, honest home would be an inappropriate goal because it is too base a standard, and this has likely confused people.

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Here's how I used to explain it to my class of 90 junior high Bible students. I often would ask at the beginning of the year what their goals were for the school year.

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A number would admit that they wanted to get good grades. I'd land on that one and survey the class to see if quote, getting good grades was a good goal.

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98 % of the class would agree, and I'm sure you can guess who didn't. Anyway, I would then explain that getting good grades should not be their highest goal because it's not a good one.

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I'd let the idea marinate for a moment and then I'd explain. Any goal that can be achieved in a sinful way isn't really a good goal.

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I can get good grades by cheating. I can get good grades by trusting in my own strength and ability to do well.

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I can get good grades by blackmailing my teacher or hacking into the computer. You see my point.

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So then I would submit to them that the best goal they could have for the year would be this. I told them that the goal should be to glorify

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God in their schooling. To solidify the concept, I asked them what would happen if they did their best to glorify

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God when they were in class and doing their homework. And taking notes. And studying.

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And taking tests. And writing papers. You know, junior hires are very intelligent because 100 % of them agreed that glorifying

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God in their schooling would likely result in good grades. And that's the difference.

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I can make sure my kids obey the Bible, but I can do it in the wrong way. I can work to have a stress -free home, but I can do it the wrong way.

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My highest goal in parenting should be to glorify God with my life and help my spouse and children do the same.

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That is the essence of agape love. And you know what? You can't accomplish that goal the wrong way.

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But I've heard it before, and I can hear rumblings now. Wow, that sounds hard.

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I didn't realize that's how parenting was supposed to work. I didn't think I was signing on to be a professional counselor slash theologian.

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How can I be expected to do all of that every time my kid sins? Well, here are your five options.

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You get to choose. If your goal is to have obedient children, the dictator parent need only apply a strong hand of discipline in the home to scare the kids into obedience.

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In the event of any infraction, a swift and weighty punishment should prevent any further issues. Overall, the dictator's commitment to discipleship is low.

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Behavior that meets the parent's standard is paramount. However, as the kid gets older, you're going to have to work hard to keep them scared.

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Eventually you may be shorter and weaker than they are, and eventually they're going to leave. So, think really carefully about what you're going to do then.

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If your goal is to have obedient children, the joker parent doesn't waste his time at all in a plan for discipline because it's hard for him to believe any of his children would ever do anything that terrible.

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Issues that come up can normally be wrapped up over coffee because stress -free equals happy.

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No discipleship necessary as long as everything is fun and simple. Of course, nothing actually works like that in the real world.

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Your children will likely just grow up being worshippers of ease and not God. If your goal is to have obedient children, the doormat parent will commit significant amounts of time coming up with charts, systems, spreadsheets, lessons, and methods gleaned from parenting podcasts to stem the flood of discipline issues in the house.

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Much is committed, but behavior management is more important than discipleship because one can only do so much.

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This is the parent who says, if you want something done right, do it yourself. So they clean their kids' plates when they leave them on the table, they fold their clothes, they do their homework, and they basically teach their children that mom and dad are there to worship their kids.

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Kids get to do whatever they want, and mom and dad will kill themselves making sure the house continues to run.

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Or if your goal is to have obedient children, the judge parent would love to borrow heavily from the dictator's playbook, but instead will find that dedicating large amounts of time discussing the child and their problems with their spouse or the child's youth pastor should do the trick because it will encourage them to do the hard work by taking a stronger hand in the child's discipleship.

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The commitment to personal discipleship one -on -one is very low because it's easier to expect someone else to do it than it is to do it yourself.

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This parent will likely ostracize their children due to their overwhelming hypocrisy, and though someone else may be encouraged to be the ambassador their child needs, the parent's investment for eternity will be non -existent.

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And maybe one of those resonated with you. Maybe in your flesh one of those was like, yeah, that sounds like an easy way of getting yeah, yeah.

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So maybe we could just choose to be the fifth parent. You don't ultimately want obedient children.

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You want Christ -honoring children. The ambassador must commit everything to discipleship.

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No time is his own. No method is his own. His every meal, interaction, and game is dedicated to fulfilling his

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Lord's great commission. Much effort will be expended to point his children toward truth, both in formal training and informal relating.

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And when more help is needed than the ambassador can give without neglecting other equally Christ -honoring responsibilities, like the other children, he will locate another ambassador whose schedule allows him to invest additional time in the child's life.

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The beauty of this choice is that you have God's divine promise of power to accomplish it because you're actually accomplishing your

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God -given mandate. Disciple your children. Now, that's not to say that every ambassador has

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God -loving children. Yahweh, the perfect father, had children who rebelled, you know, the nation of Israel.

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But by being the fifth parent, the ambassador parent, at least you're not getting in the way.

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Instead, you're creating an atmosphere conducive to genuine spiritual growth within the soil of redemptive relationships.

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I know, being an ambassador parent is hard. It's so much easier just to give in to our natural knee -jerk personality reactions and to quote -unquote address the situation with our guaranteed -to -fail spirit -devoid methods, which oftentimes give us some superficial sense that maybe we're being good parents.

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But you know what? We have not been called to fulfill the lusts of the flesh. We've been called to share the gospel with every creature and teach them the whole of God's truth and the power and love of Christ, and that includes our children.

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Ambassadors don't have problem -free homes. They have growing homes. And that's the fifth way to parent.

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Okay, so I'm very excited about my upcoming interview with Dr. Heath Lambert. He will be joining me to discuss the relationship between parenting and counseling.

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That word has come up a lot in this episode, and I think oftentimes we have a very wrong idea of what counseling really is, especially when we compare it to quote -unquote parenting.

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He's not only a husband and a father, but he's also the executive director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

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I attended the 40th anniversary conference this past year and was blessed beyond measure. You can check out episode 5 for my post -conference highlights.

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But I'm extremely honored to have Heath as TLP's first guest, and I believe his insight will be a significant help as we strive to be intentional premeditated ambassador parents.

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Now the rest of the month of February is dedicated to matters of the heart, emotions, and even some sexuality.

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On Friday, I'll be making a prediction about sexuality in America. And regardless of the age of your children, this will be a very important discussion because it involves the culture that your children will be growing up in.

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Now please take a moment to follow the Facebook and Twitter links in the description and like and follow us.

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We love to provide you with biblically -based encouragement and instruction for your parenting. It's also a great place to connect with us if you have questions or suggestions for the show.

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And don't forget to listen and learn, subscribe and share, rate and review, even though it may be easier said than done sometimes.

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And if all of this ambassador parenting just sounds too big and you're not certain what to do next, please reach out to us at counselor at evermindministries .com.

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We would love to help you become the fifth parent or point you in the direction of someone who can. If you're a parent who's lost hope, please know that our

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God is a wellspring of eternal hope. And we thank you for allowing us to point you back to him today.

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Truth, Love, Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.