Raising Children — Andrew Ussher

Biblical Foundations for Raising Children

I'm going to read a few different scriptures from the Psalms and the Proverbs and then over into the New Testament. In the book of Luke, so I'll ask you to turn please to Psalm 51. You'll forgive me for reading fairly quickly through these.

I'll refer back to them. I think all of the verses we read will be quite familiar. Psalm 51 and verse 5. Psalm 51 and verse 5. David is the author. He says behold. I was shapen in iniquity and In sin did my mother Conceive me over to chapter 58.

Over to chapter 58 in verse 3. My mother says that this is a verse of the Bible that after she had me I was the last child born. The third child in our family and she said this first took a whole new meaning on for her the first few years of my life.

Because I really really struggled with telling the truth. Psalm 58 in verse 3 says the wicked are estranged from the womb. They go astray as soon as they be born. Speaking lies. It's not very nice thing for a mother to say to me, but she did.

Psalm 127. Psalm 127 and verse 3. Low children are an heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is His reward as arrows are in the hand of a mighty man. So our children of the youth happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.

They shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate and over to the book of Proverbs chapter 22. Proverbs chapter 22 and verse 6. Trade up a child in the way. He should go and When he is old He will not depart From it or it may not depart from him.

Over to the gospel of Luke chapter 2. Luke chapter 2 and we'll read from verse 40. Luke chapter 2 and verse 40 and the child grew that is the Lord Jesus. In his childhood on earth the child grew and waxed strong and spirit filled with wisdom and the grace of God was upon him.

Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the feast of the Passover and When he was 12 years old they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast and when they had fulfilled the days as they returned the child Jesus carried behind in Jerusalem and Joseph and his mother knew not of it but they supposing him to have been in the company when today's journey and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance.

And when they found him not they turned back again to Jerusalem seeking him. And It came to pass that after three days they found him in the temple sitting in the midst of the doctors both hearing them and asking them questions and all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.

And When they saw him they were amazed and his mother said unto him son Why hast thou thus dealt with us behold thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing. And he said unto them How is it that he sought me?

Wish she not that I must be about my father's business. And They understood not the saying which he spake unto them and he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was subject unto them. But his mother kept all these sayings in her heart and Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man over the chapter 15 of Luke's gospel.

Luke chapter 15. Luke 15 is a very very familiar Passage at the end. We'll just read a couple of verses. Verse 11 a Certain man had two sons and the younger of them said to his father father Give me the portion of goods that falleth to me.

And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son Gathered all together and took his journey into a far country and there wasted his substance with riotous. Living down to verse 17 when he came to himself after he had spent all the famine came and so on.

When he came to himself He said how many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare and I perish with hunger. I will arise and go to my father and will say unto him father I have sinned against heaven and before thee and I'm no more worthy to be called thy son Make me as one of thy hired servants.

And he arose and came to his father but when he was yet a great way off his father saw him and had compassion and ran and fell on his neck and Kissed him. And just one verse out of Ephesians chapter 6.

Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 3. Verse 4. Ephesians 6 and verse 4. And ye fathers provoke not your children to wrath but Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Now I have struggled with it's been on my mind in my heart to take this up two or three times.

I've put it out of my mind and out of my heart and it kept coming back. So I've struggled with speaking on. The responsibilities we have as parents for raising our children. It's not an easy subject to address publicly and I'm not criticizing any other man that speaks from a platform of just making an observation.

It's not a subject that is spoken very often publicly and I think there's a couple of reasons. Number one is You never want to be guilty of speaking beyond your experience. It's what an interesting thing as a parent those of you who don't know me my wife and I Rachel and I we have four children.

The youngest is 17. The oldest is 23. And one thing we've observed and maybe some other parents in the audience. You've experienced this as well. Is that very often the people who know the most about how you should raise children or people who've never had children?

So you don't want to speak beyond? Your experience but Perhaps the greater danger that keeps many men to speak from speaking of these types of things publicly is. You don't want to speak based on your experience either.

Because you can't really stand up here and say we've had children. We've raised children and I'm going to tell you how you should raise yours. I would hope I would hope that no one goes away from here thinking.

That I'm talking here as somebody who thinks I've figured this out. I think the only thing I figured out is how much I don't know about raising children. But I have appreciated in our own experience. Those that the Lord has brought along in our own assembly and various men that I have heard speak of the subject.

Who have helped us? In a world that has all sorts of theories about raising children and in a world that has all sorts of competing Perspectives and philosophies on what children are and how we should view them and how we should raise them and so on.

I'm thankful that there were some that the Lord used to help us to understand our responsibility as Christian parents. So what I would like to try to do today is not based on my experience at all. But I would like to try from the Word of God to just spend 40 minutes or so on.

What does the Bible tell us as to our responsibilities as parents raising children? So some of you might be sitting there right now saying well. Those years are far behind me so I can go to sleep for the first message and wake up for the other two.

That's fine. You won't offend me if that's the case. Some of you may say well, we're not at that stage yet. So we'll tuck this away. It is relevant to everybody. Okay, so If you're an older believer here I would ask you in assembly life be aware of those that are now in that stage of their life that they're raising children pray For them.

Support them. It's not easy. Try to show a little love to those children try to make sure that the children associated with your assembly. They may be their parents or in fellowship or they come to your Sunday school, whatever try to make sure that they go away.

Knowing that you love them and that you have an interest in their well-being. I was in a place recently and One of the brothers that's there that's involved in children's work related a true story to me.

He said he was walking along the sidewalk of this fairly small town and he was with two boys that would have been about 16 or 17 and they were walking past the gospel hall and he was about three paces behind them and One of these boys turned to the other and he wasn't mocking.

He wasn't being flippant. He turned to the other and he said I used to go there to their children's meetings. And there's a man in there that hates me and the person that told me this said. Isn't it a shame if?

There are children upon whom we're making impressions and the impression they take away. Through our attempt to make them comply and to behave and I know children's work can be hard. And I'm not suggesting that we should let them bounce off the walls and destroy the facilities and do all of that.

But in our attempt, even if we're not parents in our attempt to interact with children. Make sure they go away knowing that we do love them and that we care about them. We were trying to mold them and if you can't do that Let's stay away and let somebody else deal with them and find somebody who can.

The Child as a Stewardship

So what I'd like to do is just talk really under three headings. Number one I want to talk very briefly about a scriptural understanding of what a child is. So if you're a parent you've had the joy of having a son or a daughter.

What does the Bible tell us a child is. And then the second thing I'd like to do is talk just a little bit about the responsibilities of parents. The what what are we supposed to do as parents? What are our responsibilities.

And then thirdly I'd like to talk about the principles that can guide us in fulfilling those Responsibilities more the how how should we fulfill our responsibilities as parents? So first of all understanding what a child is.

I Think it's important for us as parents to recognize that the Bible teaches that a child is a stewardship. We read Psalm 127 that children are a heritage from the Lord a Stewardship. I was out at Mary in a while back and spoke a little bit of the principles of stewardship and if you were there, you'll remember that we pointed out that a stewardship basically is Something that doesn't belong to me.

It's not mine. But something I'm given and I'm given responsibility and I'm held accountable for looking after this thing, whatever it is, whether it's money or time or gift or talent or a child a child is a stewardship and basically, it is a little miracle of life a human being made in God's image for God's glory and The Living God entrusts this incredible little bundle of life into the hands of failing human beings as a stewardship and He gives it to us for a period of time.

And I was just speaking to to Steven and cooler there during the break. It's quite amazing to view your children that way you have a limited period of time when it comes to stewardship and so from birth until maybe 17 18 19 20 somewhere in there.

You have a little period of maybe a couple of decades where you take a little life that God entrusts to you and He says I'd like you to mold it and shape it and provide for it and nurture it and teach it and raise it and During that period of life you are going to set a course and instill values to a life that hopefully is going to continue on and be lived for my honor.

A Child is a stewardship. You know, one of the things about stewardship that's very solemn. It's stewardship not only involves something that doesn't belong to me and something for which I'm held responsible but stewardship always involves accountability and one of the greatest responsibilities we have as parents and if I could just narrow it down even one little step further as fathers is That we are going to give account of our stewardship For the children that God's entrusted to our care and I am going to answer for my role as a father.

For four lives that God entrusted to me. Have I done a good job many many times I failed. I'm very glad that the one who holds me accountable is gracious and I'm glad that the one that holds me accountable is a perfect father.

But it's a sobering thing. To be given children as a stewardship from God to raise them for his honor but the second thing that scripturally the Bible tells us and let me just say how that flies in the face first of modern thinking.

The breakdown in family life by and large has taken away the whole concept that children are a stewardship for parents to raise and Replaced it with a sense that children are part of society to be protected.

Okay. Now there's a way in which that's good. Because definitely if there are if there are abusive parents and if there are parents who totally abdicate their responsibility. That yes, we do need a society that steps in and protects those children.

But the the idea has a very dangerous side to it. Which is that it's up to society to raise children. It's up to the school boards to teach children values. It's up to these other Institutions to do what God always intended a family to do.

God always intended parents to do to mold and to shape and to guide The children he entrusts to them. But secondly, the Bible says that your little baby what is given to you it's not only a stewardship from God this is not a very nice one, but It's a sinner.

Children and Original Sin

I remember when Rachel and I had Paul. Paul our oldest son is now 23. And I remember when Paul was born. Sorry, he's 24 now when Paul was born, maybe the first or second time that Rachel brought him out to meeting and I'm you know, the proud father 24 years ago much slimmer a little younger.

No gray hair, and I'm walking around Brackendale Hall the break time with my little baby boy proud as a peacock and there was this dear brother who's now in heaven and He come up to me and he said, you know, everybody else comes.

Oh, he's so cute. Oh, he's so whatever you're like, yep. Yep. Yep. He's mine. Yep. Yep, and this dear brother come up to me and he says he's just a little sinner. I Thought they'd look again. I'm saying yeah, you're a big one.

But he was right. I mean he could have been a little more gracious about it, but he was right and Again, it's not nice to think that maybe but it's important for us as parents to remember that David said That I was shaping an iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me.

He wasn't casting aspersions on his mother. He wasn't finding fault with his family in his upbringing. He was simply stating a fact of his own life. And in the context of Psalm 51 David understood the horrible things that he had done.

He was responsible for them and it had actually come from who he is himself in his core. He's just a sinner and It's so important for us as parents to remember that what we have in this little bundle of life is a member of a fallen human race.

With a nature that is opposed to God and is going to seek every opportunity to manifest that at every opportunity. That's Psalm 58. They go astray from the womb speaking lies. Nobody ever had to taught me teach me to lie.

Nobody ever had to teach me to be selfish. Nobody ever had to teach me to want my own way. Nobody ever had to teach me to try to deceive my parents. That came from inside and so contrary to the humanistic ideas that say that every child is inherently good and Our job as parents is just to find the right supportive environment for them to allow them to express themselves.

The Bible actually says the opposite now. It doesn't say there's language I don't like. I don't like language that says you have to break them. You have to break their will you have to. I'm not sure that we have to break our children.

I think we have to mold our children. We have to shape our children. We have to guide them. We have to discipline them. But contrary to the world's philosophy. They're not these wonderful little bundles of endless positive potential and if we just protect them for bad Influences and allow them to express themselves.

They'll grow up to be wonderful members of society and members of assemblies. That's simply not true. They're sinners and we are going to have to guide them and discipline them. So that's understanding what a child is only two pointers others.

But only two points that are very contrary to the ideas of the world. So a lot of the There's a word. I haven't used yet. I'll use it once and I promise I won't use it again. Parenting. I hate the word parenting.

Okay, so I'm not talking to you today about parenting. Parenting is a verb made out of a noun, right? So I am a parent. Parenting is you know, whatever. I know it's very popular. I know it's a living language and I know it evolves and but it just irks me.

Okay, I Didn't car over here. I drove over here in a car and when I flew out I didn't D plane. They say we're gonna D plane. I didn't D plane. I got out of the airplane. Well the same with parenting. Okay, parenting is just a bad word, I think but that's beside the case and what kids tell me I'm hung up on it.

But when it comes to being a parent and raising children, I'd like to talk then secondly about what are some of our responsibilities scripturally. I'm going to refer back to the passages that we've read.

Attention to Children and Awareness of Their Lives

So the first couple of things the first couplet, I'm going to do this in four couplets. The first couplet is attention and awareness. One of the dangers we face as parents is Failing to recognize the importance of paying attention and being aware of Our children and what's going on with it?

I like the little expression we read about Mary in Luke 2 verse 51. It says about Mary. Mary his mother kept all these sayings in her heart. By that point the Lord was 12 in his earthly life and There were other children in the family.

And it teaches me that Mary was a mother who paid attention to each individual child and sought to understand that child's personality and character and To be aware of what was going on in their life.

Ben and I were just talking he's got four children as do we. It's fascinating as a parent to look at the different personalities of your children. They are all different and They respond differently. They express themselves differently.

They have different buttons. You can push or choose not to push. Boys are relatively simple girls are incredibly complex. But they are all different and our job as parents is to be aware and to pay attention to our children.

One of the great dangers. And again, I don't want to come across as being very negative against the current generation or the current society. But what are the dangers that I do see? With my generation and younger in raising a family is number one we get far too occupied with ourselves and our needs and our lifestyles and our appetites and our activities and We more or less leave our children to be raised by Entertainment and activities.

And number two We get too busy. Maybe especially fathers. We get very busy but increasingly mothers as well who are working out of the home out of necessity and have careers and other interests and Could I just try to sound a word of caution and encouragement?

Time that you spend paying attention to your children and getting to know them and understand them. Being aware of what's going on in their lives and being aware of where they are and who they're with and what they're involved in.

Is time that is very very well spent in Luke chapter 2 Joseph and Mary. I'm not picking holes or finding fault with them, but but right in the narrative. They leave Jerusalem and they start to travel.

Thinking that he was in the company with them. They were well along that journey before they noticed. He's actually not. So Could I just encourage you as a parent today? Do you know where your children are when our children were young.

Toronto Easter Conference the man that made the announcements? Mr. Norman Lorber, he used to have he's very structured and rigid and he used to have a little announcement. He made you know parents must have their children with them at all times at the conference.

And I used to sit there and cringe and he would say do you know where your children are? I would I just break into a cold sweat and suddenly think I actually don't don't know where they are. But it is important, do you know where your children are or is your lifestyle so busy.

Or you're just so sort of not involved and not interested that you really don't know that takes on particularly important relevance today in the information age with social media and with the Internet.

So you don't need me to stand up here and lecture you on Accountability measures and access restrictions and all of these things are not dismissing them. But you don't need me to give you a technical lecture and all of that.

I'm really just aiming right now at the the motivational level to say are you willing to spend the time and Put in the initiative to pay attention to your children and to be aware of where they are and what their needs are.

It's not easy to do sometimes. You may have multiple children in your family you may find that some of them it's easier than others. But I can guarantee you that you if the Lord has entrusted you with children.

You have children who are worthy of your attention and Who needs you as a parent to be aware? Of what they're doing. Secondly the second couple this is a tougher one. Our responsibility as parents is not just paying attention and being aware.

Direction, Boundaries, and Discipline

It's direction and Discipline. This comes back to the whole concept of them being sinners and needing direction and discipline. In Proverbs chapter 22, we're told trade up a child in the way he should go and when he's old he won't depart from it.

Contrary to popular belief children need more than just positive reinforcement. Okay, so children actually are going to require and I'll suggest to you that it's a fairly progressive thing when they are very very young they need very active intervention and control and There are things that you need to do when children are very young in terms of hemming them in.

I'd suggest to you that this whole area of direction and discipline Probably involves at least three things. They need external forces. To corral them so they need boundaries. Children have to have something placed around them that Prevent them from going outside prescribed boundaries things that corral them and they can't just do what they want.

Because if you allow them to just do what they want They're not going to grow and learn and develop and be disciplined. So we have to have external Parameters placed around our families around our children to corral them in and governed what they are or they are not allowed to do.

Secondly, we're gonna have to correct them When they go beyond those boundaries that's one of the least favorite things I ever had to do as a parent was actually correct my children when they Did not obey when they went beyond The boundaries that we established and then the third thing you're gonna have to do in this area of direction and discipline is You're going to have to commend them When they do what is right?

If you just try to do the latter, all you're ever going to do is commend them. Wonderful little Johnny great little Susie. Look at her. She's so cute. She just broke all the dishes. Isn't she cute? She just threw her dinner across the table.

I love what she does that. I'm gonna post that on YouTube. I'm gonna Facebook that to everybody and tell them how cute my daughter is who just defied everything we told her to do. That's not Direction and discipline it just isn't.

That's not our responsibility as parents. No, I know kids could do very cute things when they're bad, and I'm not finding fault with you sharing that. I'm just saying that's not our job as parents to just admire our kids how cute they are.

Let them do whatever they want to do. We are responsible for setting direction and Discipline in our families and again, I would say especially as fathers. We're accountable for the direction and the discipline that we put into the children that God gives us to raise thirdly protection and provision.

Protection and Provision in the Home

I Like the way the prodigal in Luke 15 as we call him refers to his father's house he calls it my father's house and As he thought of my father's house He knew that his father's house was a place of provision.

He said how many servants of my father's have bread enough and despair. He said I know that there's a home back there and my father Operates a home in a way that there's provision made for the people that are there.

And I like the words that Luke tells us about the Lord Jesus. It says that when he went down Jesus the child to the home of Joseph and Mary. It says that he increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man.

Our homes should be places where our children Have their emotional and their intellectual needs met. He increased in wisdom. Where they have their physical needs met wholesome food healthy living active lifestyles.

Their physical needs are being met the Lord Jesus increased in stature. Their spiritual needs were being met. He increased in favor with God and their social needs are being met. He increased in favor with man.

A Home is meant to be an environment. There are children are protected where they're provided for. Where there is a safe place where they are going to grow and develop and over a span of years. You're not going to do this in a weekend crash course.

But over a course of a childhood up through their teen years our Responsibility as parents is to protect them and provide for them in every way materially spiritually emotionally socially educationally.

So that as they come through those formative years we as parents have fulfilled our responsibility in protecting and providing For our families, but the final one I'll touch on relative to our responsibilities is Raising them and releasing them.

Raising Children and Releasing Adults

No, I said I wasn't going to speak based on experience. But this is a tough one. Our oldest boy just got married last September and so he's out on his own now with his own wife and No longer in our home.

And you know, that's a big step as a father. You shake your hands your son's hand you give him a hug. You wish him. Well, he's a married man. He's all grown up and That was okay but in February my 19 year old daughter got married and As a father I found that to be quite a different thing.

It was this sense of releasing this sense that Someone that you have tried to nourish and cherish and bring up and protect and guide and suddenly you're giving her over to this man. That seems woefully incompetent to look after my daughter.

Now he'll probably hear this but he'll know that I've already told of this. He's 19 years old and he's got my daughter. Now I'm saying that somewhat in jest, but you know what? I mean Josiah. My son-in-law is a great guy.

He's responsible. He's hard-working. He's very sincere and he is a very very capable loving husband for my daughter. And I'm very very happy to see the married but as a father I'll tell you I cried the night after the wedding.

Okay, so you think less of me that think less of me, but I went home. I thought a little girl I've given her away to someone else today. But could I just say it's a vital part of being a parent and it's a vital part of understanding our Responsibility as parents and the picture that is used for this in Psalm 127 is the picture of an arrow and our children are described as arrows and if you think of that it's a very apt picture of What we do with our children.

Because with an arrow That arrow is taken it's placed in a bow. There's a process of pulling it back. You put all of the tension into that arrow all of the energy that's going to be needed for that arrow to meet its objective it's put in while it's in the bow and the direction that it's going to go in is being established while it's in the bow and All of that is taking place in the experience of that arrow.

But there comes a point where if that arrow is ever going to achieve the objective it's designed for. You're gonna have to let it go. The Bible says that's what it's like with our children. We have a period during their lives and I would suggest to you that it starts with very very Almost total intervention when they're infants.

You have to do everything for that child. You control everything about a little baby's life. But I'd suggest that with healthy children in a healthy family With God-fearing parents seeking to discharge their responsibilities.

There is going to be a continuum from very Almost suffocating total control of an infant to by the time they're 18 19 20 21 years old. You better not be trying to control every detail of their life because it's totally ineffective and There are things that we as parents need to seek to do in establishing that direction and Raising them so that when the moment comes that we must respect Their responsibility now as adults to make choices and live with the consequence of their choices.

That we're ready to release them. Now that doesn't mean you abandon them. It doesn't mean you cut them off. It doesn't mean you just wash your hands and let them go. But it does mean that you recognize the change in your role as a father or a mother.

It's a very damaging thing when parents of young married couples continue to interfere in the life of their son or their daughter as though nothing had fundamentally changed in the relationship and Many marriages are damaged by parents who simply have never learned to release to let go.

Communion with God as the Primary Parenting Principle

Now let me just talk a little bit then about these principles that help us as parents to fulfill our Responsibilities and I'll move through these quickly. I've got ten minutes five principles Biblically that help us in the discharge of these responsibilities number one and you might be surprised at this one I would suggest to you the most important principle for me as a father to remember as I'm seeking to raise my family is Communion with God.

You may say communion with God. Yes communion with God. What I need most as a parent is a close Consistent committed walk with God because I am going to be tested on that by raising my children. I Think of the example of Isaac and Abraham if anyone wants to ask Isaac.

Isaac what's important to your dad? What does your dad live for. Who does your dad love. What's the most important thing in your father Abraham's life? I've no doubt that Isaac would have said God I Mean.

Abraham proved that he proved it in raising his son Isaac. Isaac grew up in a family where he knew that his father's most powerful Influence his father's most profound commitment his father's most meaningful relevant relationship.

Was his walk with God? The most effective tool we will have as Christian parents is not our grasp on our children's personalities or our dependence on some pop psychology books or Our attempts to be liked by our children and be involved in their lives.

Being involved in their lives and being close to them is all of those things are important. But the most important thing Governing us in our responsibility as parents is our walk with God. I think of the example of Hannah in the Old Testament.

Hannah was a mother she was barren at first and then the Lord gave her a boy child and Hannah was a mother who brought Samuel into the world and raised that little boy and eventually released him into the Lord's service.

Because she was a woman who was absolutely Devoted in her commitment to God and her communion with him. So maybe just a little word to younger mothers. During the infancy of your children. Your personal walk with God is likely to get tested.

Because you're going to be very short of time. And you're going to find that the vast majority of your time is going to be spent meeting the physical needs of a young family. And there's going to be diapers to change and meals to make and toddlers to get to naps.

And just when you get one settled the others not settled and your work starts in the morning. And it doesn't end till night and you've got some big lump of a husband who lies sleeping while the babies wake up and won't Get out of bed.

I had a great thing when our children were really young I hadn't had laser eye surgery yet. And I had pretty thick glasses and every time one of the kids cried I fumbled and bumbled around long enough to find my glasses to go get them that by that point Rachel was already up and got Them it was great.

Took her a long time to figure out that I was just faking it, but no I wasn't as mothers you will understand that. During that period and your young family. It's very hard for you to continue to read and to pray and To enjoy communion and maybe if I could just say to two fathers.