Marriage Myth: "Women Should Be Strong"

Each month, we go through a different myth about marriage. This month's myth is that women should be strong.

Women should be strong. Biblically, women are the weaker vessel, and that's not a bad thing.

Now, you've been told repeatedly growing up in this era that women should be strong. This is what a good woman is.

A good woman is strong. You've been told it, especially by Disney. Just thinking through all the feminine heroes in Disney, they're in the movie

Brave, in the movie Moana. I just went and saw Hoppers recently. The main point in each of these things is, women need to be strong.

This is important, and a good trait in women is to be strong. But, as the

Bible says, women are the weaker vessel. I think there's a lot of confusion about this.

Not just that people think, well, maybe strength is a good thing for a woman to have, but there's a lot of cascading confusion that happens from it.

A lot of women pursue strength in a manly sort of way, with manly sorts of ambitions and a manly social presence, and they wonder why it doesn't end up achieving the results that they think it would.

A lot of women hope that by making a name for themselves, being very successful, they might draw attention to themselves, even male attention.

But, a lot of times, it does exactly the opposite, because they don't know precisely what a man is looking for.

Now, when I prepared all this, I did not know, although I should have, that our ratio was gonna totally switch from last time.

So, for the few women in here, it feels like I'm speaking specifically to you. I guess I am, but.

So, let's go through a few verses. Avari mentioned 1 Peter 3, 7.

The woman is the weaker vessel. Isaiah 19, 16 says, in that day, the

Egyptians will be like women and tremble with fear before the hand that the Lord of hosts shakes over them.

So, it describes people who are not courageous as women. Proverbs 31, 17.

I bring up as an objection that a lot of people would have in describing women this way. They'd say, well,

Proverbs 31, isn't the Proverbs 31 wife, it says that she's strong.

It says she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. But, think about that for a minute. What do you think that means in the context of that passage where she's working hard?

Is it really describing manly strength where she's a bodybuilder, she's got bulging veins and biceps, right?

That's not the picture that comes to mind. It's someone who is not afraid of work, who's going to labor to make sure that her maidens are provided for, et cetera, et cetera.

Right, there's a good womanly kind of strength, but typically when the

Bible speaks of strength or typically when people today speak of a woman being strong, they mean something else, right?

They mean a manly sort of strength. In the same way, Bible, or we can say that there's a good sense in which a man should be beautiful.

You know, he should take care of himself. It's good for him to have certain physical qualities. The Bible speaks of Christ as being beautiful, but that doesn't mean that if a man were beautiful the way a woman were, that it would be a good thing, right?

You would look at that and you would be, yeah, if a man had too many pretty feminine features, right, you start saying that's not becoming of a man.

Well, it's the same way when women pursue strength in a manly sort of way. And just to reinforce this idea a little bit more, that this simply is the case that women are the weaker vessel.

You can see this in all kinds of places. You know, there were a few

YouTube challenges that got popular recently where, you know, bodybuilding women would go against average guys in several physical challenges and the guys would win.

You know, it's just, you could probably take the weakest man in this room and the strongest woman in this room and just physical strength to physical strength, you know, chances are the man would win in arm wrestling.

You know, I'd be willing to bet money on that if I were a betting man. But beyond the fact that women are the weaker vessel, this is a good thing.

Women should be a weaker vessel. Just think about, first of all, the difference between men and women and the way the

Bible describes them. First of all, individually, not in the context of marriage, just individually. Proverbs 20, 29 says, "'The glory of young men is their strength.'"

First Corinthians 11, 15 says, "'If a woman has long hair, it is her glory.'" So what is it emphasizing there with men, right?

For men, it's emphasizing their strength, right? For women, it's emphasizing their beauty. This is what Bible says repeatedly about men and women, emphasizing the qualities of man are primarily found in strength, the qualities of woman primarily found in beauty.

In marriage, consider it. Ephesians 5, 22 to 24 says, "'Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the

Lord.'" Now, when you think of something like submission, that's not something where strength and the way that you think of strength as being a strong leader who butts heads with others, that kind of thing, right?

That's not the image that comes to mind when you hear the word submission. If you have two strong independent leaders trying to navigate the same ship, things are not going to go well.

It works well when there's one who is doing that and the other is willingly following. First Peter 3, 4 says, "'But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart "'with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, "'which in God's sight is very precious.'"

So when you think about socially, what does it look like to be strong? One of the words that might come to mind is loud, right?

To have a loud, commanding voice. But what women are commanded is to have a gentle and quiet spirit.

This is something that is different than strength. So it is a good thing. It's something that men find attractive.

You think about, once again, just, okay, go to physical strength, right? The things that look good on a man, being especially tall, especially strong physically, right?

You put those qualities on a woman and they can be very unbecoming. Most women aren't pursuing that kind of strength, right?

You take those physical qualities that look good on a woman and you put them on a man, soft features, that kind of thing.

It's not becoming of a man. Now, socially, what kind of things are becoming of a man?

Confidence, leadership, right? You take that and put it on a woman and it's less becoming of her.

She's supposed to have a gentle and quiet spirit. A lot of times, people will just hear what the world says and what the world says is, well, no, it's good for a woman to be strong and commanding and if people can't handle it, it's either because they're jealous or because they're insecure, something like that.

But that's not the case at all. It's just simply reality, the way that God has made men and women different. So if the world is telling you, no, actually, the woman should adopt these manly qualities because they're not particularly manly and you should, everything in your brain that's screaming at you that men and women are different in this way, you should just shut off because that's what a real, strong, secure person does.

He just shuts that off. So that's not telling you that, wait, this seems out of place. Consider occupational differences.

A woman who excels in career and has those kinds of ambitions, a lot of times, men aren't going to be as interested in that because they want to provide for a woman and they want a woman who would really appreciate them but the woman's capable of all the things the man is and there's really not much that he has to offer her.

And moreover, he would like someone to help him. That's what the Bible describes a woman being a helper for the man.

And if she is not those things but rather he becomes her helper pursuing her ambitions, it's not as attractive to the man.

Even if they're not able to articulate what's going on in their head, this is what's going on.

Why is it that men find certain women attractive? They can't necessarily explain it all but they're picking up on the signals.

So in summary, a gentle, quiet spirit would be one who is sweet, appreciative, unopinionated.

And once again, we can qualify all these things, right? There's a good kind of strength for women that's described in Proverbs 31.

Obviously, there's a good kind of opinionated for women. She should be convicted about scriptures, et cetera, right?

But a woman who would not have a gentle, quiet spirit and be loud and opinionated on everything, that's the nagging woman that the

Proverbs tells men frequently to avoid at all costs. And then consider the duties that God gives women.

Genesis 2 .18. Then the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.

A helper, someone who is... Now this is not just a mutual helper where side by side is symmetrically, right?

As equals. That's why later on in scripture, you have the language of submission and the language of authority.

Why is that? It's because she is helping in a very particular way as not a symmetric assistant, but asymmetrically, right?

Differently in support of his ambitions and support of his goal. 1

Timothy 3, excuse me, 1 Timothy 5 .14 says, so I would have younger widows marry bare children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.

Right, these are the descriptions the Bible gives of women taking care of their households, right?

These are not the kind of, you know, going out strength, ambition kind of things. Older women likewise, this is

Titus 2 .3, are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self -controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

And take this all back and consider the example of marriage that we are given in Christ and the church.

If human marriages are supposed to be modeled off of that marriage, what does that say about strength and beauty? What does it say?

Does the Bible say, well, the church should be strong because it's in the church's strength that Christ's power is made known?

No, it's in the church's weakness that Christ's power is made known. And that's a good thing, right?

Believers, saints of old are frequently chastised when they are trying to do things out of the power of their own strength rather than relying on the

Lord. Okay, this is not a commendable thing to be strong and independent as the church, right?

Rather, we are to be dependent as the church on Christ. And that's not just a matter of sin either.

It's not just, oh, well, the church is very weak because of sin. No, even in a natural way, Paul, even while he's serving the

Lord as he ought to as an exemplar, right, as an apostle, he is still doing so in weakness, trusting on the

Lord for strength. This model of Christ in the church needs to be lived out in marriage as well.

And even prior to marriage in pursuing manhood and pursuing womanhood, that is how it should be lived out.

And consider what this does as far as bringing beauty to Christ. You see the wedding scene in Revelation 19 and 20 and so on.

And the bride comes down out of the sky. She's incredibly beautiful. Why is it that she is beautiful?

Well, it's the righteous deeds of the saints, et cetera. It is particularly because Christ has been a mediator to her that his strength has shown through her, right?

Not her own strength. That would not bring him any beauty, but his power shining through her makes him glorious because her beauty in the wedding dress, et cetera, in the scene with the city coming out of the heavens, it is bringing beauty to him and glory to him in an excellent way.

That is the model that we are given. And the gospel is such a wonderful thing that he has died, he has protected for the sake of his people.

If we turn that around and we pretend as though we're the ones who are giving to him in a symmetric way, that we are his helper, he's our helper.

No, we are assistants to the Lord, helping him build his kingdom, not building our own kingdom, him building his kingdom and us occasionally helping each other out.

This is the model. So what should you do with this? First of all, if your mindset is that women should be strong, start changing your values.

Stop thinking about that way. Start thinking the way you would think about someone saying, well, men should be pretty, right?

Everyone or most people hear that. They think, I don't think a man should be pretty in the sense that a woman should be pretty, right?

So don't think that a woman should be strong. Maybe you don't think that physically, but maybe you think it socially or occupationally that a woman should be strong and start thinking the way that a man is strong.

This is not how God has created women. This is not what is good for a woman. And as a woman, don't compromise on this.

You could have a man who appreciates you for bringing him something that he wouldn't have otherwise.

If you bring him the very things that he can already give himself, you wouldn't be appreciated that way.

If you have a man who wants to provide for you, you can abandon that whole rat race and enjoy the blessed life of being provided for, et cetera.

And men don't compromise on this either. I don't think, once again,

I don't think often people are compromising on this physically. They see feminine beauty.

They mostly know what they're looking for. Women see masculine strength. They mostly know what they're looking for.

But when it comes to areas outside of that that are less visible, it's much easier to be deceived or to be distracted even by the physical, right, to see very feminine qualities physically, but then not be looking for feminine qualities socially, et cetera.

This is, so many men are very, especially right now, very picky about what they're looking for.

And I generally chastise this. However, on this particular topic, I would say this is not an area where you want to compromise.

This is not an area where you want to compromise. Proverbs repeatedly says, do not compromise on this, that you do not want to be with a contentious woman.

You do not want to be with a nagging woman. And think about it moreover, what is this quality of being a quiet helper, right?

This is what the Bible describes the activity of a wife to be. So in other words, if you compromise this, you're compromising not just on the quality of the wife you would have, but even really having a wife at all, right?

If someone wants to come in and essentially be co -husband with you, help you lead, right? Backseat drive everywhere, right?

It's, they're coming in without the intention of being a wife, right? You might be married to them, but they're not functioning as a wife.

So don't compromise on this one. You could have it all.

And you can glorify God by reflecting the beauty of the marriage between Christ and his church.

Amen. Let me pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for your word.

We thank you that it gives us so much direction about things that the world is so confused about. We pray that you would help us to think rightly about these things.

I know that much of this may be new for many of the people here. So I pray that you would help all of us to think biblically by your spirit, that you would give us the mind of Christ in Jesus' name, amen.

Yeah, well, a lot of times what women are looking for in a relationship, it's not a man, but a woman, right?

Men are often doing the same thing. A lot of times what they want is effectively a man, but with a feminine appearance, right?

Like they want someone who's geeking out about the same masculine stuff that they're geeking out about or whatever, right?

But a lot of times women are looking for basically a woman with masculine aesthetics where he's gonna be like a girlfriend and we're gonna talk about the same kinds of things together and the emotional support that you would expect from a woman, right?

Whereas what you're getting with a man is the kind of strength that's not necessarily going to be able to do that the way that girlfriends are going to be able to do.

So that's the first observation. Yeah, certainly it can be the case that men are too passive when it comes to addressing issues in a relationship.

That's a very frequent issue. I just don't think that the way that you address those issues is necessarily by therapeutic, and I'm not talking about that in reference to your therapy comment, but a therapeutic conversation, right?

Because that's what a lot of times people think is needed. What's needed in a relationship between a man and a woman is not the same thing that you would get from a woman.

It's going to be something different where the man is going to press onward despite the difficulties, et cetera, and call you to that with him, right?

So a lot of times it's going to be the opposite, right? So for example, a lot of times what happens is

Genesis 3 says that your desire will be against your husband, but he will rule over you. A lot of times it'll be,

I've got a lot of stuff I'm dealing with. This is an emotional struggle for me. We can't move to X place for your reasons because that's just going to be too much for me, and you're not caring for me if you don't listen to me and decide not to move, right?

And so sometimes men think that that's their role is basically to take care of the woman in that way where they say, okay, she is dealing with a lot of anxiety, therefore

I comfort her and we don't move to this difficult place.

Whereas really the masculine leadership is, I know it's going to be difficult for you, but it's going to be okay, and presses onward anyway.

And that's active, that's not passive, but it's not necessarily the kind of activity that a lot of women are looking for because a lot of women are looking for the kind of comforting that they would get from another woman.

And it takes a while, and people when they get married don't realize this. It takes a while to adjust to each other because they're looking for something else.

Like a common one, when I first got married and the way that I'm trying to encourage

Sarah was often to, okay, if I see something that needs correction or whatever,

I would just make a joke about it or something like I'm ribbing one of the guys, and that's not going to be helpful to a woman the way that it would be helpful for a guy to just pick on him or mock a rib.

So it takes a while to get adjusted to, oh, okay, this is what it looks like for me to help someone of the opposite sex.

And this is also what it looks like to be helped by the opposite sex. Certainly a man should dwell with his wife with understanding as it says in 1

Peter 3. But once again, what a lot of people are looking for is not just an understanding, but coming down into that hole with them that isn't really leadership, isn't what's supposed to be happening.

And so, I mean, my answer is still the same. I don't think, yeah,

I don't think I was thinking something different. Basically, yes, you understand, but you lead in strength, not by ignoring issues, but by rather understanding that you're supposed to be the one to call to higher things and to press onward, right?

And what does it say in 1 Peter 3 when it says that the man should dwell with his wife with understanding? Right before that, it says, let's see.

For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves being subject to their own husbands just as Sarah obeyed

Abraham, calling him Lord. You have become her children if you do good, not fearing any intimidation.

In some translations, it says not fearing anything that is frightening. Right, so a woman is called to not fear the kinds of things that would keep her from following her husband, right?

Her husband's gonna call her into frightening things, and she is not supposed to be afraid of that. So, yeah, there's a place for both of those things.

One, understanding, communicating, but then at the same time, it's not going to be providing the same thing that a woman would.

It's going to be in a completely different mode. And that's something that not a lot of people are prepared for when they go into marriage, but you learn quickly.

Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it comes down to what we were just talking about, right? If the Bible calls women to so train the young women to love their husbands and children to be self -controlled, pure, working at home, and then before that, so I would have younger widows marry their children, manage their households.

If they're both in the rat race, commuting everywhere, et cetera, both of them are doing the job of a provider, both of them are like sharing the housework 50 -50, there's not really much of a place for appreciation for the other person as much as there's going to be if they're actually taking distinct roles.

But if the husband is providing for her and she actually is taking care of the home, like it's describing here in these passages, there's a lot of room for that.

And she's not burdened by all that. And he's looking forward to coming home each day and able to do the longer hours.

That's another thing about the strength and weakness that I didn't mention. You look at studies and it'll say something like women need 10 minutes more sleep than men.

Every single couple I have asked, every single married couple says that the woman needs at least an hour more, if not much more.

Guys have an ability to handle those things a bit more than women do. So if you put the people who are more suited to different roles at their different tasks, everyone's a lot happier.

And I think that's often what's missing. And that's what I've seen it plenty of times before. And a lot of times what happens is they both do the job, they're both making money.

The guy's making a lot more than the woman is a lot of these times. So on one hand, it's not that rewarding for her, but then there's still sort of an expectation that she's kind of doing the role the

Bible describes, taking care of the home, but it's not really spelled out that well. So she's doing most of the work while also working an extra job, but then is upset because it's never really been explained what's happening.

That he's not pitching in more. And he doesn't feel that it is his job to pitch in more because either passages like this, thinking cognizantly of them, or just kind of his natural inclination as a man.

And once again, you think about the difference between strength and beauty. That's just not what he's thinking about as long day, hard work.

Whereas a woman would naturally care more about beautifying the home, et cetera. And so there's all these things where you've taken people's strengths and you've spread them out into things where they're not the strongest.

And yeah, it is a recipe for unhappiness. So short answer, if you embrace your distinct roles,

I think that gives a huge way at answering that. Yeah, I suppose there are some guys who go into a marriage wanting that, wanting like the 50 -50, oh,

I don't wanna do all the work, you do some of the work. But I think for most guys where they go into that relationship, they've been told their whole lives that it's dignifying for a woman to be doing that same kind of work.

And so they feel that this is something that they're doing that's good. And maybe the woman is even telling them that they want that career.

I mean, I see in a lot of these conversations, the question gets asked and the woman says, oh no, I don't think

I just wanna sit around at home, I'd wanna go out work a job, et cetera. And so he thinks he's doing right by here, but then bitterness still ends up welling up on both sides as they're doing the same task and competing with each other, whether it be in the home tasks or in the outside work tasks.

So I think that many men don't go into this because they're lazy, they go in because they think it's dignifying for the woman and they're just being lied to and they're lying to themselves.

And if they can do the hard thing of telling the woman, you know, this isn't dignifying, you should just, you know, let me provide for you.

Most men aren't willing to say that because first of all, they don't know it. And two, well, that seems really, you know, we're trained to think that that's really authoritarian or condescending, say, you know, you keep your little pretty self at home, you don't need to, you know, this stuff is too hard for you.

You're not, you know, you're not strong enough for this, but it's biblically speaking, it's the natural thing.

But if you're coming into it with the mindset that that's an option and that there's no shame in that option and there's no problem with that option, you will take the option.

If you come into it thinking, oh, actually that's a problem and that's only the thing that you do in dire straits, you end up choosing a lot of different options.

You end up saying, hey, what if we didn't live here? You know, what if we moved away? But a lot of people aren't even willing to think about that because it's just, it's assumed that, hey, both of us working is a very reasonable option.

But if you started that off with that being like a last lap stitch effort, you know, if we really can't handle anything,

I think you'd end up in different places. But once again, people are starting off with the wrong assumptions that lets them choose that.

Well, yeah, one problem is a lot of the ways that people are pursuing dating, it's without necessarily all the right kinds of intentions and so it does end up lasting too long, right?

And so from the guy's perspective, not to excuse all that behavior, but from the guy's perspective, if they're thinking that that's normal for, you know, those kinds of relationships to go on for a long time or that this is, you know, to pay time after time after time without any kind of accomplishment or success and finally getting married, right?

I can see why they might think that. But yeah, if you have the mindset, hey, I'm on a mission,

I'm planning on getting married, I'm planning on getting married soon, and this is, if this becomes a relationship, it's not gonna be a long relationship before it either progresses or, you know, we toss it aside.

If you're coming out with that mindset, it's not a big deal to say, hey, I'm candidating to be provider and so I'm going to act that out as we go on dates.

So yeah, I think once again, there's just a lot of other assumptions that are leading to these bad behaviors, right?

If you assume that the relationship that leads to marriage is a very long -term one or you assume that going about dating a certain way is right or you assume that, you know, it's no big deal if each side works, et cetera, you end up making a lot of other bad decisions.

So there's three uses of the law, right? The first is to curb sin. The second is to show your need for Christ and the third is to walk in the way that he's commanded, right, and being empowered by the gospel to do so.

So yes, I mean, I pointed out that there's a union between Christ and the church that's formed through Christ giving his life for the church that empowers us, that gives us a guide, et cetera.

So I'm not saying do this by your own strength, okay? I'm saying do this by the strength of Christ, but I do wanna tell people what is right because most people have no idea.

Yeah, once again, I don't think that should be a long relationship, right? You should, if you're an adult and if you have, and by adult,

I mean like an advanced adult. People here aren't typically in their young 20s, not often.

And you have brothers and sisters who are more mature than you who can give you advice. If you pursue it very intentionally, and of course, intentional is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but what

I mean is that your purpose of meeting with the other person is just to discern whether or not you get married and not to enjoy each other's company and kind of fulfill desires that are meant to be fulfilled in marriage.

But if your purpose in talking to the other sex is just to discern whether or not you'll get married, you can get that figured out really quickly and it doesn't have to become a huge financial drain for you.

So I would still say the man should be candidating for the provider by paying for everything and it doesn't have to be long, so it's not a big deal.

So what's that timeframe in your suggestion? Yeah, I believe if you have the right kind of counsel, anywhere between two to four months can be, yeah.

It doesn't have to be like a year. A lot of people think, oh, you have to see all the different seasons. You really don't.

If you're going through the right topics, if you know what you're supposed to be looking for, the

Bible makes these things clear, you can figure this out in two to four months. And especially if you're both involved in churches because then you can have the other person's church circle vouch for them, especially if they have a pastor, right, et cetera, because that's going to give you a lot of confidence.

And a lot of the reason that people take so long is because they're doing it solo and they're trying to figure this out without second opinions.

if you're soliciting valuable second opinions, that goes a long way in speeding up the process.