Better to Marry Than to Burn With Passion — Tim Conway

Okay, I have two things that I want to deal with tonight, and I don't know we'll see if we get to both of them. It's okay, if we don't I'll just tell you what they are. One is One is actually something that I Keep hearing being brought up, and I keep hearing discussed among Singles and in fact just in the last few days I have heard this text referred to and quoted and Because we have a lot of singles here.

1 Corinthians 7 and the Meaning of “Burning With Passion”

I want to touch on it now I write I recognize that it is a topic that may not be suitable for the youngest people but hopefully our conversation will be Cloaked enough that it will be Suitable, but I want us to look at 1st Corinthians chapter 7.

1st Corinthians chapter 7 I hear this quoted by Singles and I hear a case made from it Sometimes by singles and so I was discussing this with my wife the other day, and she said That sounds like a good APT, and I thought you know what maybe that's right.

Maybe that should be something we look at the first time we all gather back together but 1st Corinthians Chapter 7 now I I want to just Hit the Issue right off and get past all my bookmarks. Okay 1st Corinthians chapter 7 the passage that I am most concerned about is verse 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry for it is better to marry Than to burn with passion and I guess I'll just come right out and say my big concern is that There are people who?

Including people within our own church that basically look at that passage as though Marriage is the solution if There's Failure maybe even massive failure as far as sexual integrity and sexual purity and that this would be a text to apply to That kind of failure fall sin impurity in the life of the believer.

And I I guess I am hearing that text propagated. I mean, I don't want to say necessarily throughout the church, but I do hear it being used as a Motivational verse For young men who probably would have to admit that they're failing miserably when it comes to sexual purity and they latch on to this and they basically Become convinced that what is really needed in their life if they're gonna have victory is That some girl comes along and is willing to marry them and then they'll be rescued from all of their problems.

Anyways, what I want to do is I I just want to kind of follow Paul's Talk His words and I want us to watch the case That he's building and I want us to think and I want us to talk especially because we do have a lot of singles typically that come to this Bible study and there are Here tonight as well.

So I want us to I want us to talk through this. So first Corinthians 7 Is anybody here read? The King James Bible. So are you a cage KJV only guy? Okay, I Cut my teeth on the King James Bible for probably the better part of the first 10 years of my Christian life one of the things that In fact read verse 1 from the KJV.

In seven, yeah, seven one. Now concerning the things where you wrote unto me it is good for man not to touch a woman. Okay.

That can sound like Basically when I read the KJV when I first began reading it that can sound like Paul is saying that it's good not to touch a woman and in fact if you look further on You will find that he does commend singleness.

So you might put that together that well He's saying it's good not to touch a woman. I think that the newer translations are correct. When they actually put it is good for a man not to touch the idea is have sexual relations with a woman.

They put it in quotation marks because One of the things that you will recognize very quickly about 1st Corinthians is that Paul is Responding to things that they wrote to him about. We could look at different examples, but I don't want to get sidetracked basically.

What they have done is they have wrote to Paul in somebody in their midst is saying celibacy is the way to please God. It's good not to touch a woman Sexually that is better in This Christian life. There's there's some advantage to that.

And so what he is saying is now concerning the matters about which you wrote Semicolon and then here it is. It's good. This is what they were asking about. This is what they were. This is this is what they were postulating.

It's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman now. That is something that has a tendency to appear religious and Even righteous obviously the Catholics have run with it obviously now. We know this from first Timothy Demons tend to set that forth but you can imagine how the Corinthians might have Thought this if you think about some of the most prominent men in the lives of the Corinthians.

The Lord Jesus Christ was single the Apostle Paul was single. Paul himself said Barnabas was single. These guys may have looked at some of the key and principal men Behind Christianity and Recognized hey, they're single.

Maybe there's something to that. I don't know Where their thoughts were coming from all we know is they had them all we know is they were writing to Paul. And they were looking for clarity on these things and so Here's how Paul answers.

Because of the temptation to sexual Immorality so he's recognizing. That's a that's a reality. Christians are not delivered from the temptation to sexual immorality there is That reality it is a real temptation it poses a threat and because of that temptation Each man Should have his own wife and each woman Her own husband now that almost seems like a universal statement right there if we if we just stopped right there.

But we know Paul doesn't stop right there, but that's a very. That's a very over arching statement because of this temptation to sexual immorality. Listen to the question. They're asking is it good and I think what was happening is not only did you have people asking the question?

Who may have been single. But you probably also had people asking the question who are already married. Because one of the things that he's going to tell them is that they shouldn't be leaving Spouses even if those spouses are unbelievers, and so I think the question really was there in their minds.

Where does marriage fit into Christianity? Where does? Sexual Contact fit into Christianity. Is it necessarily good to avoid these things and he says No, here's the reality. There's a temptation to sexual immorality so men should have their wives women should have their husbands and.

Sexual Relations, Mutual Authority, and Marriage

Then here's the thing if if they're married the husband should give his wife her conjugal rights. Likewise the wife to her husband, so basically what Paul is saying within the context of marriage. This is a good thing.

Sexual relationships are a good thing and in fact necessary because of the temptation to sexual immorality. For the wife first for the wife does not have authority over her own body. But the husband does likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body.

But the wife does I mean there's basically a mutual submission and surrender of the body in Marriage, and then he says in verse 5 do not deprive. Well if you look back up at 6 8. Same words up there defraud in fact.

I believe your King James Bible says in verse 5 Don't defraud so Deprive is one thing. Defraud is another thing. Are depriving and defraud synonyms. Anyway, you get the idea that deprive is probably a fitting word, but what is defraud bring in?

What does that sound like? Deceit not. I don't I mean maybe but cheating. Yeah, you're cheating somebody out of something you're defrauding somebody. In other words That's a part of marriage, and if somebody is not Surrendering themselves to their partner in marriage.

They're cheating that person. Yeah, that's a that's a good synonym for defraud to cheat. It doesn't mean they're cheating on them there. It means they're cheating them out of what is their right in this Conjugal relationship.

Do not defraud one another or deprive one another. Except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer so I mean Paul recognizes that there may be other priorities in life.

That your walk with the Lord may take priority there may be times. But you can tell it's just for a limited time. But what Paul is really making a case for here is if you're married. This is a very good thing.

This is a very protective thing. This is something that is necessary lest you defraud the other person. Perhaps for a limited amount of time you might stand. You might stay apart, but then come together again.

So that Satan may not tempt you. Because of your lack of self-control. Now isn't that interesting your lack of? Self-control so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. And I find this very interesting because When it comes to the family situation in Ephesians 4 It's we're told not to give place to the devil and that is very closely tied to the statements.

About anger and not letting the Sun go down on your anger. You know we could apply that to the family. Unquestionably we could we could tie that to the family even though. It's not specifically Family oriented in Ephesians 4 it is here.

It's like if there's if we're looking for one thing that God says Very specifically will invite the devil into the family. It's right here now. What's. What's interesting about this is Satan is involved.

Satan's active and Satan's watching this. Satan is very very involved in sexual immorality and In the sexual activity in marriage and I mean if you think about think about what's perhaps said Right before this I mean if you go back to 1st Corinthians chapter 6 verse 12 All things are lawful for me now see that's in quotation marks.

This seems to be something else that the Corinthians were saying well, everything's you know what they were saying. Everything's lawful and foods meant for the stomach and stomach for the food verse 13.

Well, you know what they meant by that. You know what that saying alluded to? Food is meant for the stomach stomach for food in other words well, God created our bodies for sex and that. It's like they're taking a very carnal statement and they're using it not just to describe food.

They're using it to describe Sexual activity. You can see that God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality. But for the Lord and the Lord for the body. Why go back up there.

Well, here's the thing Satan his great strategy when it comes to sex is to do Everything he possibly can do to encourage sex outside marriage. But then he does everything to discourage sex from inside marriage.

And we see the two extremes here on the one isn't this amazing. The same Corinthians are saying food for the body body for food. Let's go up to the temple and enjoy ourselves. The same church is saying we don't think we should probably remain married.

And isn't that amazing jump over here? Paul's having to rebuke these people for sex with prostitutes in 7 he has to turn around and say You need to have it within marriage. I Mean you can see the two extremes the satanic strategy here well verse 6 now as a concession.

Not a command. I say this so Verses 1 through 5. He basically lays it out. Every man should have his wife. Every wife should have her man. But he's gonna give a concession. It's not a command, but he's gonna give his opinion here and This this is under inspiration.

I wish that all were as I myself am. But now notice this each has his own Gift from God one of one kind in one of another. Well, that's interesting we often talk about the gift of Singleness, but did you notice here?

He's not talking about a single gift. He's not talking simply about the gift of singleness. He says each one has his own gift that means every Christian has his own gift when it comes to singleness or not.

Did you see that? One of one kind in one of another in other words. He's not talking about one kind of gift here. He's not simply talking about the gift of I think oftentimes when gift is mentioned there People immediately say Oh a gift of singleness.

I don't have the gift of singleness. What he's talking about here is one person has one gift and another person has another gift. Why am I pointing that out? Well, because I'm afraid this happens. Somebody says well, I don't have the gift of singleness.

Almost like that's justification for sexual immorality. To view garbage on the internet or somehow fall into some sexual immorality and say well I don't have the gift of singleness and So well, it's better for me to marry than burn with this past passion and be all locked into this lack of self-control.

But wait a second if you're a Christian God says you either have one gift or you have Another gift one of one kind one of Another. I mean it seems that both singleness and Marriage are regarded as gifts, but I would just what's my point here?

Nobody is gifted for sexual immorality. That is not a gift. That is not something God gives you. God doesn't give you sexual immorality. That is not a gift. That is not God given that that is what Paul is condemning over in 6 8.

He is saying that If you join yourself with a prostitute You become one body with her. He says flee from this every other sin a person commits is outside the body. This is sin, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you whom you have from God? You're not your own. You were bought with a price. I just want I mean this this should be evident that No one is gifted for sexual immorality.

The Gift of Singleness and the Gift of Marriage

Now watch what he says To the unmarried and the widows obviously he's he's not excluding widowers and Obviously widows are unmarried, but The unmarried is basically a term for those who were never married.

They're single. The widow or widower is somebody who was married, but they're no longer married and Paul says I have a word for you. It's good to remain single as I am. Paul sees something good in it now obviously he's going to develop that.

But if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry and Paul is not going to forbid marriage, and he doesn't forbid marriage anywhere through here remember Forbidding to marry is a doctrine of demons.

But he says if if they cannot in other words if you're single and You cannot exercise self-control You should marry for it's better to marry than to burn with passion. Now I want to jump in here and Just point out let's let's Attack this verse 9 a little bit now 8 it's to the unmarried and the widow now I have heard verse 9.

I've heard it said that verse 9 is That that it's I've actually heard it said that it's applied to somebody who has Like a fiance or somebody that's already in a relationship or somebody that already has a betrothed and I guess the only reason That I can imagine that people apply it that narrowly is.

Because if you go down further in first Corinthians 7 You will find in verse 36 if anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly Toward his betrothed. That's what the ESV says, but it's the word virgin Toward his virgin if his passions are strong and it has to be let him do as he wishes let them Marry it is no sin now this may be speaking about the guy or it may be speaking about the girl.

If anyone thinks he is not and this is the father of the virgin. If anyone thinks that he the father is not behaving properly toward his virgin daughter if her Passions are strong and it has to be let her do as he wishes or let the father do as he wishes Let them marry it is no sin now.

There's there's There's not really a textual issue here. There's just an interpretive challenge. People are trying to figure out well who Exactly and one of the things is that that in the original it's hard to tell whether these Pronouns ought to be male or whether they ought to be female.

And so anyways if you go all the way down to 36 you can say yes, there is a possibility that now It very likely is speaking about the father, but There is some reason to think that. Perhaps verse 38. So then he who marries his virgin does well he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

So there is some question is this actually the guy who's wanting to marry or is this the father? That's where the question comes in but but anyway the reason that verse 9 Would seem to Resonate with people as possibly being I've heard it expressed to me You know somebody like Jim Elliot when when he was kind of engaged to Elizabeth Elliot And he was thinking about and their relationship was growing and I've heard it applied to situations and Narrowly applied and I've heard that if you try to take it more broadly than that It's it's almost felt like it's a misuse of the verse.

Well Honestly, I'm not gonna go there because for two reasons. Primarily one verse 36 is a long way away, and I don't think when he states verse 9 He's expecting us to anticipate that all the way in verse 36 We're gonna get some new light on the situation that's gonna cause us to sit back and say oh He didn't mean everybody that's single he just meant if you happen to be engaged or have be in a betrothal situation or something like that and You can see the ESV even runs with that idea of betrothal down there.

But I would say wait, we need to apply verse 9 to the immediate context and Who would that be applied to? Verse 8 to the unmarried and the widows. I mean that's to all of them. That's who he's speaking to that's what it says to the unmarried and the widow to those who have never been married or those who have been married and their spouses died he is saying if You're not able to stay single then get Married it's better to marry than to burn with passion now.

Discernment in Choosing a Godly Spouse

Here's where I want to interject the idea of not Exercising self-control or burning with passion. I What I am hearing is this verse basically almost used as an excuse for sexual failure and that the person with the sexual failure is Basically being given this right to marry here or even a command to marry or a strong encouragement to marry.

But that that is such a Contradictory kind of thinking I would just say this why Do men? Let's just let's think of a man. Let's say let me give you an example. Here's a young man. He gets married. Maybe when he was lost he struggled with all manner of sexual sin, but God has saved him and a battle ensues and And over a year or two or three God gives this young man victory in this area.

Maybe he goes three years four years living Basically in victory and then he marries. Why did he marry? Well, he would say I didn't have the gift of singleness. And so basically what he's saying is I Didn't feel like I could.

I didn't feel like I was in a place where I was gifted to exercise self-control for my entire life. You see that would be an appropriate way to look at a man saying I Don't have the self-control to live my whole life.

Well, wait, you've lived the last three or four years with victory. Well, yes, but that doesn't equal The gift of singleness and the man goes on and marries. You see if we're expected to believe that well, this can just as well apply to a person who Cannot exercise self-control and the cannot is because they're not Their view in pornography all the time.

They're falling into all sorts of sexual sin all the time. I would just say this wait a second. Don't we need to stop and actually look at this from another angle. I have daughters. I Want my daughters to marry?

Godly men should we expect that if a young lady is Christian and single and A guy comes along and he's like well I can't exercise self-control and what he means by it is he's miserably failing in sexual sin all the time.

He's viewing things on the internet. He ought not to be viewing. And he comes along and says I can't exercise self-control and I need to marry you because it's better for me to marry you than to burn with passion and Basically, I'm burning and I'm failing and this thing has mastery over me.

Do you expect that girl to marry that guy? I even Is that even I? Mean shouldn't we stop and think wait. Doesn't the Bible give us? characteristics of a good husband. Doesn't the Bible give us characteristics of a good wife.

Should I simply? Abandon all that should I come along as a guy if I was single and marry a girl? Who's miserably failing in this air? Well? She takes me to this passage. Well, I I can't exercise self-control.

Which look at my life. I have no self-control. I mean, do you think Paul is basically saying here? Well girls Go look for a guy that can't exercise Self-control and is miserably failing all the time and you should just marry him to deliver him from this burn of passion that he has.

Or do you think Paul would actually say to you you ought to find a young man who's godly and who's Christlike. You see I don't we don't want to misread this. We don't want to. We don't want to assume here that somehow Paul is.

It is basically accepting this idea That men without the gift of singleness run around Unable to exercise self-control and what he means by that is they're miserably failing and doing all the things Which he's telling men to flee and women to flee from back in 612 through 20 He calls it sin back there 18 flee from sexual immorality every other Sin or Every sin a person commits is outside the body, but this sin the sin of sexual the sexually immoral person sins Against his own body.

It's sin. I mean, I think that one of the things that we really have to be honest about is Should we expect that young men and young women that are single in the church are going to look for people who lack self-control and and I was I was just expressing to somebody recently that in my almost in February.

It will be 20 years since I was ordained and I have racked my brain to think In 20 years. I have seen in 20 years. I've been involved in marrying a lot of men and women and I've done pre-marriage counseling and I've known people's lives and I've I've been pastoring long enough that I have Seen people married and then watched them over five years ten years fifteen years.

And I have I have racked my brain To think of a single instance Where the man Had victory pronounced victory in his life in this area and Then went and got married. That the marriage hasn't been. You know, there's been problems.

But it's been a good marriage and I've racked my brain to think of any marriage that I can think of. Where the man lacks self-control Right up until the time he got married that the marriage was good.

It was. I mean, I've really tried to think because I have. And one of the reasons that I've really racked my mind at this is because I Have asked myself the question of verse 9 That when we as pastors come across somebody in the church who's miserably failing in this area whether marriage is Something God gives to rescue the person out of that Situation and what I have seen and I'll say this girls.

If you marry a guy that does not have self-control in this area. I Can't think of a single example where the marriage has turned out. Well, because that guy going into marriage with no self-control will continue in that marriage.

Self-control is not something that just touches the sexual area of a man's life. It touches that man in many other areas and if he can't control his sexual appetites I guarantee you he can't control himself in other areas as well and it will come out in numerous ways.

It will come out and he can't control his money. He can't control his appetite. He can't control his anger he and just because a man with Sexually immoral lack of Self-control gets married doesn't mean that that cures him.

He may go on lusting after other women and searching the internet Afterwards which which happens and I I've racked my mind. Because I've really tried to think pastorally is this a way to rescue and you know what I become convinced I become convinced that if there's a young man or an older man Who does not have his life together in this area?

I would never Encourage a Christian woman to marry a guy that does not have self-control in this area. And I think to take verse 9 and to put a spin on it to say Well, I burn with passion and I'm failing all the time.

And so what God is telling me is to get married. Well, you can say that you can believe that you can believe that God is telling you that. But I would ask you this is God not telling the young woman to have wisdom and discernment and who she marries and should she run right out and marry a guy who lacks self-control in this area and expect that.

Suddenly magically he's gonna get fixed. You see I think I think what's happening is if if that is the expectation that a guy has Then what that guy is also doing is he's expecting women to lay aside all discernment on who they select for a wife.

I you women Should look not for the perfect guy. But for a good guy for a guy that it's evident that God's hand is on him. And I think one of the ways that you can tell if God's hand is on a guy Is there will be? significant Success and victory in this area.

I really believe it. I really believe that it is listen. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit and sexual immorality. The sexually immoral don't inherit the kingdom. You know what? You're basically doing if you're a guy and you think you can be sexually immoral and use this verse To try to convince yourself that you ought to get married.

You you you basically are assuming that a girl ought to go ahead and marry you when actually what is consistently and habitually Characteristic of your life is that which is characteristic of people who don't inherit the kingdom.

Sexual Immorality and Evidence of Christian Character

I Would not recommend any of my daughters marry such a guy not ever no way. Why. Because Fornicators and adulterers don't inherit the kingdom of heaven and if a man Does not have the ability to gouge that eye out or chop that hand off.

What Jesus is saying is not just that he shouldn't have a wife. He's not gonna have life so. Anyway, that's that's what I I'm concerned that that text is being thrown around. Especially among the single young men in our church and especially among some that I know are not having So much success in being victorious in this area of their lives and I I Think that I think that is a wrong twisting of that passage.

Paul certainly is not. You can tell by the context He certainly is not condoning in any way. That people fail to glorify God in their body. They're bought with a price. And so when he comes over here and he's talking about people that cannot exercise self-control.

He's talking about people who? Not who are miserably failing but people who simply have a gift. That is of one kind rather than the other. It's never is it never is one gifted for sexual immorality. The idea here is some people have gift of singleness.

Some people have the gift to be married and the way you can tell if you don't have the gift of singleness. Is you're not content. You're not you're your level of passion your level of desire and There's there's not an ability to remain content in that single state.

There's a there's a temptation on your self-control that's strong and I think that that is one of the greatest evidences that You don't have the gift of singleness. Is that you're not? You're not content.

You're not at peace being single. I don't believe that we ever want to take that passage and say well the indication that I don't have the gift of singleness is that I'm failing and falling and lacking self-control to the point of basically living a life of sexual immorality.

Because it is 1st Corinthians chapter 6 I mean, you know you go right back before this flea Sexual immorality section in 612 through 20 if you go back to 1st Corinthians 6 9. You know do you not know the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Don't do not be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers no men who practice homosexuality. Not thieves not the greedy drunkards revilers swindlers would inherit the kingdom of God.

Paul Certainly is not condoning that the women in the church the virgin women in the church line up to marry men who? Who fit that description. No way. No, how does that what verse? 9 of chapter 7 means any comments questions.

Discussion. To be tempted. Well to burn is Obviously to feel to feel the pull to feel the temptation to feel the I mean Sexual temptation is it's an appetite. It's a draw. It's a I mean, it's something that most every one of us have experienced and I Think that's what that burn is the the burn is basically a a Way of describing.

I'm not thinking that if somebody has a gift of Singleness that that means that They're like just totally neutral. I Don't think it necessarily means that. I don't think it necessarily means that a guy with the gift of singleness or a girl with the gift of singleness could look at somebody of the opposite sex and be attracted to them or even feel at times like marriage may have Significant things to offer.

But when it's all said and done They can run. I think the thing that we have to ask ourselves is this because he goes on to develop this the the real issue is this. You know If you're all still there look look what he says further down.

He says he says Verse 26 I think that in view of the present distress It's good for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound a wife to not seek to be free? Are you free from a wife to not seek a wife?

If you do marry you've not sinned and if a virgin Marries she is not sinned yet. Those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that and so This is what I mean brothers the appointed time has grown very short from now on let those who have wives lives as though they had.

None those who mourn I mean basically He's saying Marriage may be to distraction he goes on to say those who mourn I mean sorrow may be a distraction. Joy may be a distraction commerce the world. I mean the idea is Don't let these things so dominate you that you're pulled away from There the real objective in life.

Because what's the point verse 32? I want you to be free from anxieties the unmarried man is Anxious about the things of the Lord how to please the Lord. This has to do with distractions. It has to do with anxieties, and I would I would just say this when we're talking about the word burn.

What it seems to indicate is this that? If If I'm going to be more distracted and anxious being single then get married but if It doesn't mean that the gift of singleness I don't believe the gift of singleness is simply being able to serve the Lord better Single I think that's what the gift is that God is so wired you not that not that you couldn't possibly Desire some things about marriage.

Not that you couldn't possibly admire some things about you know those of the opposite sex even at times maybe feel like you know the intimacy would Be nice and that closeness would be nice and the communication would be nice and other aspects of marriage just having each other there and being able to depend on one another and and There's there's lots of aspects about it that I'm sure could be appealing to somebody.

But I think in the end the issue is this I? Mean I I can tell you as one who when God first saved me I prayed that God would give me the gift of singleness because I wanted to serve him. I was just I wanted to serve him, but it was a distraction to me to be Single and I found that it was a bigger distraction to me, and it proved true that distraction was.

It was much better for me to be married than to remain single. I didn't have that gift. It's like the more I prayed for that gift the less I recognized. I had that gift. But I think it you you want to measure it by the level of anxiety I think that I think that's where the burn comes in.

I think the idea is and Remember that burn is associated with passion. What's passion desire? I mean if somebody is in a place where? They are not More free and less anxious to serve the Lord Single well if such desires exist in their life that they feel like they're gonna face Lesser anxiety lesser distraction to get married.

I think it we have to think that Paul is talking about one has one kind of gift and one has another and he clearly isn't talking about like gifts of tongue and Gifts of prophecy right here. He's very specifically talking about gifts of singleness or the gift of marriage now somebody could say What about you know somebody who lives in that?

Gray zone who Doesn't have the gift of singleness, but God also hasn't given the gift of a spouse and I recognize that there there is such a state, and I would just say this that Yes, there is a state it's You know many of God's people who get married are Married after they Have been a Christian for some time and so there was a period of time in there.

There's some that get saved when they're already married. But there are a lot of people that get saved before they're married and so there's this period in there where? They want to be married, but they're not yet married.

Contentment, Singleness, and God’s Sufficient Grace

But the reality is God puts lots of his people in that situation. And we would say this that certainly there's no circumstances that have overtaken any of God's people that God doesn't give sufficient grace and give a way out where sin is never a Necessity ever.