(The Glory of God) in Marriage — Paul Washer

The Serious Responsibility of Marriage

Chapter 12, Romans chapter 12. To begin, let's go to the Lord in prayer. Father, Lord, I come before You and I pray that You would help us to be not simply servants of God, but sons of God, pleasing to You in our dealings with the daughters of God that You have entrusted to us.

Of all the things, Lord, in my life that bring about greatest trembling, Lord, it would not be my failure in ministry, but my failure with Your dear daughter. Oh, dear God, help us through the Scriptures, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to be pleasing to You in this area of our lives, to lay down our lives for the person that You have given us, that You love so dearly.

Father, please help me to say a word. Direct us through this, Lord. And Lord, I don't pray for eloquence or words, or to even fulfill my time given to me. But, oh Lord, that we would see the seriousness of that great thing that has been entrusted to us.

Help us, Lord, in Jesus' name. Amen. As I have said, it is a great privilege to speak here. It is a great privilege to speak about the glory of God. And it is a fearful thing to preach about marriage.

About marriage. About marriage. It is fearful in this regard. If you worked for me, I was the CEO and owner of a certain company, and you worked for me, and you weren't that effective. You had some problems.

I might even lose some productivity because of you. Well, I would probably be willing to work with you a few more years, trying to instill in you characteristics of a good worker, of a good employee. I would still have hope that I would be able to do something with you.

I would not become exceedingly angry with you, no matter how much you failed in my enterprise. But if you were my top employee, and half the income of my company was because of you, and yet you were also my son-in-law, and you mistreated my daughter, there wouldn't be a place on the face of the earth that you could hide.

The point that I'm trying to make with this is this. You're fearful about your ministries. You take great stock and great pride in the fact that you are a careful servant of the Most High God. Don't think that's a great thing.

Beware how you treat His daughter. Beware how you treat His daughter. Because I want to assure you that although your ministry might mean more to you than His daughter, your ministry does not mean more to Him than His daughter.

We have been raised in an age of big pastors with big ministries who do big things, big preachers who say big words. Any fool can make a church grow. A lot of churches are growing nowadays with a lot of fools guiding the wheel.

Any fool can be eloquent. The spirituality of a man can be determined by so many things, and most of them are not wise. You want to know the spirituality of a man? Look at his wife. You want to know the spirituality of a man?

See how he acts in her presence when no one else is around. There you will know the extent of this man's profession. In Romans 12, which might seem quite an unusual place, but I want us to look at something because I want to cut some dragons.

God's Perfect Will and the Limits of Ministry

I want to take their heads off at the very beginning. In chapter 12, verse 1 and 2, you're all so familiar with it, but let's just go to look at 2. And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Now notice, one of the attributes of God's will, it is perfect. It is not out of balance. It is a perfect thing. There's no flaw, there's no error. It's not one-sided, lopsided. It's perfect. In all its ways, hold it up to the light, you'll not find one flaw with regard to the will of God.

Now in light of that truth, let's look at the boasts of some ministers. I had to put my family on the altar of sacrifice for the sake of the ministry. For the sake of the work of God, I had to neglect my family.

I couldn't spend as much time with my family as maybe I ought to have spent because I was busy doing the will of God. You are making a declaration that God's Word is not true. You are denying the very thing that God speaks forth in this passage.

God's will is perfect. That means, dear sir, you do not have to violate one aspect of the will of God in order to fulfill another aspect of that same will. If in God's good providence He has given you a wife, and that is His will, then His will is perfect and you do not have to neglect that wife in order to carry out your vocation.

And if you do, you are either not understanding God or you are not really working for His kingdom. You are working to build your own. Working to build your own. Now look at this. How many times in my, as a minister, I would have to say, still young ministerial life, have I heard men speak this way?

And they do not realize that they are blaspheming the name of God. They are saying that God's will is not perfect. I have children and they are a gift from God, but I don't have time for them because I must do God's will.

How absurd is that? How absurd? We might be running wildly in the ministry doing all that we can, possibly because we do not understand grace and we still have a works mentality. We might be running wild in ministry doing all that we can, working too much because we fear men.

We might be running wild and working too much because we love to have a reputation of a very tired, worn out servant of God. We may be running too much because we want to build our own kingdoms. We might be running too much because we don't understand God's will nor our place in that will.

The first thing that you must understand is this. God does not need a one of you. Now that might make you angry, but that's a very liberating thought to me. If I were to perish before I finished in this pulpit, God's kingdom is not going to be halted one bit.

The ministry does not depend upon you. You do not have to go out there and save God's work. You simply have to be obedient. And obedience in the kingdom, and the Puritans were very good at this. If you read Thomas Watson's Body of Divinity, you will discover this.

He lists several things through which we might glorify God. And one of them is this, to be content with God's providence. And I have found that among ministers, very few are content with God's providence.

Though they would be if they had a larger ministry. To be content with God's providence. And I believe that many men in the ministry, their neglect of their wives and their families for the sake of the ministry, is simply that they are not content with the place that God has put them.

My dear friend, and I know this seems, why is he talking about this? He's supposed to be talking about marriage. My dear friend, I could name the big shot preachers who have put a great amount of condemnation on God's people.

And a great amount of condemnation on God's ministers. Your church is not large, what's wrong with you? Aren't you evangelizing? You don't have this, what's wrong with you? I graduated from a Southern Baptist seminary.

And was faced in that seminary with a lot of liberalism. God had to come and save me by sending me literally to the country of Peru where the only thing I had was a Bible. But I'll never forget, I'll never forget, one of the professors, a dear man there, a godly man, he said, Paul, you don't go to chapel.

I said, sir, it's not required. He said, you don't go to chapel. He says, I know your prayer life, I know that you work with street people, you even live with them. He goes, but you don't go, why don't you go to chapel?

I said, when you bring a man who has been pastoring 35 people for 45 years into this chapel to preach to me, I will come. I said, but as long as the only people who get to speak in this chapel are men with churches of over a thousand, I have no place here.

When your definition of what it means to be a man of God changes, I'll come to chapel. And I believe that with all my heart. Because it's biblical and it's true. Many times, men, we are neglecting weightier matters of the law, particularly our wives and our children, because we always feel some of you have lived your entire life under a bondage, that you're not the man of God that you wish you could have been, that something's wrong with you and everything else because you're not some kind of international speaker or you don't have a church that can give conferences to tell everyone else how to do it.

And that's a lie straight out of the pit of hell. Have you been faithful to God's will? Because I've got news for all the big shots. You don't always grow when you're faithful. You don't always grow when you do the right things.

Look at the prophets. They did the right things. They were stoned. Look at Christ. He ascended to heaven with 11 disciples. And what I'm trying to tell you is this. God has a will for your life. But so many ministers measure their obedience and their walk with God not by seeing if they are balanced in that will, obedient in that will, but looking at their ministries and the supposed earthly success of them.

And this has to be addressed before we can talk about marriage. It must. I know so many men that are godlier than I, that know more than I. They forgot more about God than I'll ever know. Some of you probably here.

I always ask myself, why is this brother preaching in this small place and no one knows about and why am I standing before 5 ,000 people? When I have a problem, I call that man up and he tells me things I could have never even dreamed of.

Do you know what it is? It's the providence of God. And it's God using the ignoble and the unwise to confound the noble and the wise, the weak to confound the strong. And the first truth you must come to grips with if you're ever going to be the man of God for the glory of God in your marriage is simply this.

Come out from under these false ideas of what it means to be a success in the ministry and seek to be an obedient child of God. Come what may. Come what may. How many men of God in the Bible, the great patriarchs of the faith, had families so messed up it was unbelievable?

Would you really want to have King David come and teach you a conference on marriage? Would you want Abraham to do so? Would you want Isaac here? Or what about Jacob? You see, my dear friend, your approval, God's approval of you before the throne will not depend as much on your ministry as you think.

It will depend on a lot of other things. He cares more about that daughter he gave you than he does about the ministry he gave you. I mean, ministries are impersonal things. He can get donkeys to talk for him.

Contentment with God's Providence

He gave you a daughter. Now, now let's turn just briefly to Romans chapter 8. The working of God in a marriage. Now, most of you, this probably won't affect you as much, but maybe it will help you teach others, younger men when they come to you, your sons when they come to you.

I want us to look at verse 28 of chapter 8 of Romans. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to His purpose. For whom He did foreknow, He also predestinated to be conformed to the image of His Son that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

Now, everything that God is doing in our life is for our good. That's number one. Number two, our good is quite different from what many people think. Our good, the good that God is working all things towards is to conform us to the image of His Son.

The image of His Son. God is sovereign over all things, sovereignly working in our life, and He's doing all these things, everything, not some things, all things. Why? In order to conform us to the image of Christ.

Marriage as God's Instrument of Sanctification

Now, step back here for a moment. A young man walks into my office and he says, I want to marry this girl. And I say, why? And he says, well, I'm attracted to her, I like being around her, when I am with her, when I feel good, we can talk, we get along, we like to serve the Lord together, she's just such a blessing to my life, I just want to marry her.

And I said, well, young man, let me just see if I've interpreted you correctly. You want to marry this girl because she meets all your selfish, self-centered needs. Is that right? Is that what you're telling me?

And he goes, no, that's not what I said. I said, that's exactly what you said. What happens, young man, when you can't talk to her and some other woman comes along with whom you can discuss things? Are you gone?

She's beautiful. Yes, she's beautiful. What happens when she's not as beautiful? And what happens when the devil sends around another woman who is more beautiful and he will? What then? He said, pastor, I see what you mean.

Well, I hope so. Now, what is the basis for marriage? The providence and will of God. You see, here's how it works. Marriage is not unlike the calling into ministry. It's not unlike it. The basis of it, at least.

And what is that? God has called me with an irrevocable calling to lay down my life for a specific daughter of his. That's all there is to it. Now, I know I've taken a lot of the romance out of it, but the foundation of the whole thing needs to be strong before we start speaking about romance.

God has called, from heaven, God has called me to lay down my life, to die for this daughter that he has appointed, that he has ordained. Where's the escape hatch? Where's the exit? There is none. Well, what about me?

What about you? What about you? Can you not entrust yourself to the sovereignty and providence of God? You see, it works like this. Now look at my marriage. Now look at it. My wife is beautiful, wonderful, glorious benefit, praise the Lord.

But my wife is deformed in a terrible car accident. She can do nothing but drool. Where do I go? Nowhere. Why? God has called me to lay down my life for this daughter of his. My wife and I can talk. Oh, we can talk all night.

Wonderful benefit, glory, God's blessed you. My wife and I have trouble talking, let's say. We get into a discussion in not even five minutes. It seems like we begin to pick at each other, let's say, someone says.

Well, you know, we don't have any fellowship. It just seems like we're completely two different personalities and everything else. Where do I go? Absolutely nowhere. Why? You have been called of God to lay down your life for this daughter of his.

Period. Do you see how the sovereignty of God works? It's why I disagree with most books written on marriage today. I disagree with most of them because they're wrong. And why are they wrong? They say the goal of marriage is to achieve this thing where you're walking into marital bliss.

It's not. The goal of marriage is to conform you to the image of Christ. That's the goal of marriage. Now, in God's sovereignty, this is what he's done. He has given you a woman in his sovereignty that is strong in all the points where she must be strong so that you are not tempted beyond what you can bear.

But also in the sovereignty of God, he has given you a woman with divinely orchestrated weaknesses. He's given you a woman where she is weak in some places where you would give your right arm for her not to be weak.

And why? Because his great purpose in your life is to conform you to the image of Jesus Christ. And what is, if we were to sum up this image of Christ, what would we say? Well, what do we sing about? We sing about what?

Do we sing about his wrath? Not much. We sing about his unconditional love, his mercy, and his grace. Now, here's something about the fall of the world and about your wife. There can't be unconditional love in a place where someone meets all the conditions.

Someone says, why did the world fall? Did you ever want to see mercy? Because if the world hadn't fallen, you'd have never seen it. And you'd have never seen grace either. The things that God wants to build into your life are Christlikeness, which most manifests itself in unconditional love.

As my dear friend Charles Leiter told me one time, he said, Paul, in the New Covenant, love is not something, love is the thing. He wants to teach you unconditional love. He wants to teach you mercy. And he wants to teach you grace.

And that is why in his good providence for you, he has given you a wife that is not perfectly compatible. A wife that you must at times struggle with, that you must bear with, a wife that you must be patient with and vice versa.

I mean, you're not exactly the perfect catch either. But what I want you to see is so many men who do not understand the sovereignty of God in marriage will think, man, I have married a woman that's just so incompatible with me, so different from me and we have so many troubles in this area.

Why? Why? He wants to make you like Jesus. He wants you to love like Christ, a woman who does not meet all your conditions. He wants you to show mercy and grace, to not give her what she sometimes deserves.

That is a hard look. And to give her what she never deserves. Grace upon grace upon grace. God wants to make you like Christ and the primary means of doing it is through your marriage. You've heard me preach once.

What do you think about me? Tells you nothing. Go home with me. Spy through the window of my house. Then you'll understand whether these words are just wind. You see, this is the point, sir. This is not an impersonal ministry.

This is the daughter of God entrusted to you, sovereignly given to you. And God knows about her strengths. God also knows about her weaknesses. And it are those weaknesses in her that's going to conform you to the image of Christ more than the strengths.

And so now, you know, you're sitting there, you're with your wife, you're looking, you're looking at things that are incompatible, things that you would like to have differently, all sorts of things. And sometimes a young man will go to despair.

A young man will be depressed. A young man will be bothered about all these things. But a man who knows the Word of God will be able to look and praise God more for the weaknesses in his wife than the strengths.

Because that man knows that those weaknesses have also been divinely appointed in order to do him good. To do him good. And that's why this passage is so, so very important. Now, let's go to, of course, Ephesians 5.

Wives' Submission and Husbands' Sacrificial Love

In Ephesians 5, we usually begin with verse 22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. Now, many liberals have taken this passage and they have mutilated it with verse 21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord.

See, they don't understand that verse 21 in its context is reflecting back on the relationship of believers in the community. And we would all agree with this. We are to submit to one another in the Lord.

There is no Lord here, no Christ, no Master. There is a real sense in which all of us are submitting to one another. But now he's going to move on in to the area of the family. And in the family, submit yourselves one to another turns into wives, wives submit unto your own husbands as unto the Lord.

Now, this text has been denied by liberals, but it's also been taken by Bible-believing Christians to enslave women. How do we interpret this? We interpret this passage in the context of what? Of the verse that follows it, which is this, verse 25, Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it.

You know, one time I was, I told someone that I, as a young man, I was young and I went to this big missions conference. I wasn't invited, I just showed up and I'd been back from Peru, been there for a couple of years and I showed up in this missions conference and I don't know why, it was like 700, 800 men there, but the guy heading the thing up said, are you Paul Washer?

I said, yes sir, I am. He said, well someone told me something about this, this, I would like you to come up and speak for us. I mean, you talk about paralyzed. I was afraid and then I got up in the pulpit and I turned around and I looked down and Ian Murray is looking back at me.

Then I was very afraid and I was telling a friend of mine this story and he immediately said, you should not be afraid to preach before men, you stand before God and I said, yeah, of course I do, but God's a lot more merciful than men are.

Do you know, I am not afraid. I'm afraid to rebel against the Lord. I am not afraid to submit my life totally to him because I know he's trustworthy. I'm not afraid, even if I have to lay down my life, if I have to walk away from, from house or home or family or whatever I have to do I'm not afraid to do that.

If he asks me, come and die, it's really not that big of issue. Why? Because of his character, because of who he is. And so when the Lord says, submit to me, Paul, well, that's, I mean, what's so hard about submitting to a perfect master who loves you more than you love yourself?

That's the context of this passage commanding women to submit to their husbands. I would be afraid that there's a real way in which, I think my wife is a brave woman, because I would be afraid to submit to someone like me.

You know those passages that we take to heart when the Lord says, you know, the master of the house went away and the one he placed over the servants begins to beat them and not give them their food and he comes back and deals harshly, cuts them to pieces he does.

Look at that in the context of marriage. And these are not servants, these are daughters. These are daughters. Yes, this woman of God. She has her problems, but this is not a conference about her, it's about you.

This is a daughter of God who yes, she must submit. She's been commanded to submit to you. But you have been commanded to love her as Christ loves the church. And if she does, if she does not submit to you, then you have very little to be afraid.

She's a rebellious woman. If she submits to you, be afraid. What account, what holds, you have a sword hanging over you. If this woman gives herself unto you and treats you as her head and you do not live up to that role, you abuse that role, you use it for your own advantage or for your ministry, then be terrified.

Because she always will be a person just like you before the throne of God. Blood was spilt on Calvary for her. Let me just, now just, just listen, okay, I'll tell you where it's at, but just listen to this.

He that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches. To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna and I will give him a white stone and in that stone a new name written which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

And you say, what that have to do with marriage? Is this referring only to men or is this referring to all the people of God? It's referring to all the people of God, anyone who overcomes. Your wife is not an extension of you.

She is her own person before the throne of God and one day a white stone will be placed in her hand with a name written on it that you sir do not know. She knows it and her Lord knows it but you do not know it.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're not connected to everything. You're not the Lord of Lords of her world. She does not only find value before the throne because she's married to you. She is a daughter of God by her own right and by the right of the blood given for her.

You have been called to be her head but do so with fear and trembling. Now it says back to Ephesians 5 Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. That statement is ferocious. I mean that statement is so cutting.

It has such a blade on it that my wife is to submit to me as she would submit to the very Lord of Glory. You say boy that ought to be a frightful thing for her. No it's not. It's a frightful thing for me.

Look what I can do. In Peru they was with a pastor from the jungle once he used an illustration of a man in a family who is not submitted totally to the will of God and the fear of the Lord is like a man driving drunken wildly down the Amazon with his entire family in the back and the back of the boat loaded with dynamite.

It's true. Do you realize the responsibility that has been placed upon you? That people are called to submit to you as unto the Lord? It ought to cause you to whom much is given much is required. It ought to cause you to live out your life with fear and trembling.

That this is a woman who will one day stand before God. This is a woman who will stand there alone without you. This is a woman who will receive a white stone with her name on it that you know nothing of.

This is a woman who will be rewarded by God as a handmaiden. And this is a woman that may be the source of your judgment depending on the way you obey Christ. Now here's something very important that I'm always teaching women but it's good to teach men at the same time.

This care that you are to have of her does not depend on her response to you. That's one of the greatest problems that happens in marriage today. Everyone's waiting, one person is waiting for the other person to be able submit because the Bible says submit.

Even if this man doesn't necessarily deserve such submission the Lord commands you to submit. It's a thing between you and the Lord. In the same way it's a thing between you sir and the Lord. Whether she is a woman who knows as much as the apostle Paul and as beautiful as a super model or a woman who causes great hardship.

It is the same. In the sovereignty and the providence of God you are to rest and you are to be obedient to Him. And you are to take this as a great responsibility. Wives submit yourselves unto your husbands as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church. Now we love this part. We preach this part quite a bit. The husband is head of the wife. My dear friend, what does this mean?

Headship, Counsel, and Shared Decision-Making

Let's look at this in the context of what Jesus telling us that don't call anyone on earth Christ or Father. There's one Father, there's one teacher, there's one Christ. Does this passage mean that I just go off and I make every decision that's supposed to be made for my family and then they just come back and just blindly accept it?

Is that what that means? That's what some of us would have it to mean. Scripture cannot just be taken out of context. I would say that the best way to teach this is to illustrate it. Let's say that the Lord, I began to believe that the Lord wants me to go to Siberia and wants my family to move there as a missionary.

Or let's say that we have to sell our home. I feel like the Lord wants us to sell our home or we want to buy a home or any type of decision whether it be in the secular category or the sacred category even though these two categories no longer exist.

Do I just go make the decision? No, I don't. I am one with that woman. Yes, I'm head, but what am I going to do? I'm going to go to her and I'm going to say, darling, I've been offered a work in Siberia.

I have to make the decision by August 3rd and I really feel like it's God's will that I go and that we go as a family. And if she says, you know, Paul, I've been praying about this and man, I think you're right.

Well, that's a great confirmation, isn't it? But what if she says, Paul, I'm just not sure about this. Are you sure that you're hearing from God? Am I going to take that as an attack on my masculinity?

Some men would. Some fine Christian men that have learned well supposedly would take that as an attack or a rebellious woman. There was no rebel in her voice. She's a daughter of God. She didn't say, you're an idiot.

She didn't say, there's no way. She just said, I'm not sure about this. Do you know in some circles of Christianity fundamentalist and I am one, I guess you could say. I don't know what I am. I believe the Bible.

In some circles that would be treated as rebellion. Well, I'm glad I'm not in those circles. She humbly and lovingly had a problem. And you know what I'm going to do as the man of God? I tell you what I'm going to do.

My wife has been right a lot of times. I'm going to I'm a red flag immediately is going to go up in my heart and I'm going to go well then I'm going to give more time to pray. I'm going to pray with you and just whatever you feel like the Lord is telling you, you know, just let me know and let's say that we finally come to unity on the thing.

Praise the Praise the Lord. Let's say that we don't, but I still I still feel strongly that we must go. I must make the decision today. It must be made. My dear friend, I have to make it as the man. I am called upon to make that decision.

Now, I have counseled with my wife. I've done everything and I'm going to go to her and I'm going to say, honey, in this particular issue right now, we're not in agreement, but we have to make the decision and I'm the head of the home and I've got to make it.

It's a call I have to make. I'm going to make it. Now, what is she to do? She's required to follow her husband. She is. Now, I haven't lorded over her. I haven't treated her as some insignificant part of my life or an extension just of me.

What I have done is this. I have counseled with her. I have asked for her help. I have asked for her thoughts, but if push comes to shove and a decision has to be made, yes, I must make that decision, but rare has it ever been that case.

Usually, when there's not unity and there's not a deadline, we don't do it. We don't do it. I'm talking about an extreme, extreme situation. And then, what if we do make that decision? She submits to it, even though she doesn't agree with it.

And I'm right. And she sees later on that I'm right. Should I glory over her? No. But what if I'm wrong? Should I deny it? If it comes to light that I'm wrong in that decision I've made, should I deny it?

No, I should say I'm wrong. And should she glory over me? Absolutely not. See, we need to be very, very careful. Some men take this passage and they don't treat it as Christ would, they treat it as the Gentiles do, lording it over others, holding it over others, and that is not the way.

Christlike Headship and Mercy in Marriage

Now, let's go further because I'm trying to cram in seven different lectures in this one thing. Now, we always talk about us being the head of our wives like Christ is the head of the church. Do you really want that responsibility?

How does Christ exercise His Lordship over the church? Have you ever sat down and tried to think of that? Have you ever met a master who was more gentle, more patient? Have you ever met anyone who put up with all your failures in such a loving way as the one who is Lord over the church?

You see, we forget. We think that it's just submit to me as though you were Christ, as though I were Christ, but at the same time we're supposed to act like Christ. And how does Christ Lord over His church?

With thunderbolts and lightnings and demands? No, but you know, most of the time He spends wooing His church, doesn't He? Loving her, wooing her, patient with her, kind with her. If she makes one tiny step forward after 300 steps backwards, all of Heaven breaks out in applause.

Do you really want Christ to treat the church like you treat your wife? We'd all be in hell. You see, look what it says, as Christ is the head of the church. I pointed out when I began preaching here in the first part of the last meeting, I said, you know, all my failures and yet God continues on, all my weaknesses and yet His faithfulness prevails.

That is a description of the church and its relationship with the Lord. Isn't it amazing? The beatitudes, the one statement in command that shows how believers truly still struggle with the flesh, it's this, when He commands us to be merciful.

Isn't it unbelievable, almost unspeakable that a group of people like us that have received such mercy from God must then be commanded to be merciful to one another? That we could withhold mercy from anyone after what's been given us is unbelievable, especially with regard to our wives.

Never forget, you will usually treat your assistant pastor or some person you work with at the factory with more dignity and kindness than you will the people closest to you. We take so much for granted.