Which Bottled Water is BEST? and WORST? (Pastor Podcast)

Every pastor I've ever seen takes a bottle of water with him into the pulpit. Well, today we're going to determine what bottle he needs to take. Conversations with a Calvinist begins right now. Welcome back to Conversations with a Calvinist.

My name is Keith Foskey and I am a Calvinist. And as you know on the show, from time to time, I like to do things that are just for fun. Sometimes we get super serious on the show. I've talked about everything from grief to cultural politics and problems and things in the world and the country.

Sometimes you just want to have a good time. And since I have my friend Richard with me today, we're going to have a good time. We're going to rank bottled water. Now we recently, back at Christmas time, we ranked chicken sandwiches.

There was a little bit of a concern about our methodology though. I want to respond to show that I am willing to listen to a critical response. And one of the things that was told to me was because it wasn't a blind taste test, they felt like we weren't tremendously fair.

Like we may have automatically given, I get it, I get it. So today we have brought along in an attempt to be as fair as possible because we are going to rank five different bottled waters today, but all the bottles are shaped differently.

And I'm not going to sit here and hold the water and feed Richard. And I ain't going to let him. So Richard and I, when it's our turn, we are going to put on these oven mitts and we're going to hold the bottle with the palms of our hands and take a sip.

While. While wearing these masks.

And the way I think they should be worn all the time. That's right.

This is the perfect way to wear these masks. Now I have a feeling we're going to end up hitting these mics more than we want to, but we're going to try today to do good. So the first thing we're going to do, we are going to mask Richard up.

Actually do this first. Well, I can't put this on after put that on because I ain't got the dexterity. So we'll have to figure this out. Well, I'm doing it upside down so I can pinch it around my nose, but that's the proper way to wear them, to pinch it around your nose.

Oh, you want me to do it this way? Yes. I'm sorry. Yeah, the blue would look better on there. The professional quality of today's episode is bar none. Golly. All right. All right. So here we go. So we'll figure this out.

Where's the thumb? Oh, we're in there. Okay.

It like wants to stick in my eyeball. There we go. Maybe that'll help. So we have five waters today. One of them is a generic brand, but the others are all name brand bottled water purchased right down the street at the gate gas station.

So none of these are, you know, sourced specific. We just got them from the local gas station.

Except for the private label, which came from Sam's or whatever. Yeah, it's a Sam's Club. That's the generic, because we're going to use the Sam's Club today.

And here's how we're going to do this. I'm going to pull out a bottle of water. I'm going to set it down. I'm going to show it to you, the listener or the viewer, and let you see which one it is. He's, and I'm going to take the top off for him because he won't be able to with the things.

He is going to then take a sip. He's going to think about it for a second and decide where it should go. And we're just going to rate them across the table. We're going to say, was the last one better or worse than that one?

And you understand what we're doing? Yeah, I'm drinking water and telling you if it's good or not. All right. So I'm not going to say it, but I'm going to hold it up to the screen. Hopefully you'll be able to read this.

I'm holding it out as best I can here. And taking the lid off. And it is right now between your hands. Don't squeeze it because it's going to shoot out. Okay. Take a big sip.

That actually tastes kind of clean. So. Okay. It's number one for now. All right. So this one's pretty good. Number one for now. Next one. Getting a little bit of an aftertaste, but.

Is, I'll hold it up to the screen. This has got to look ridiculous. It's awesome. I tell you what. Here is the second one. It is now in between your palms. All right. That is not better than the last one.

Okay. So this is not as good as the last one. So we now have a, we now have a one and two and I'm going to do them from this direction. Okay. All right. I'm going to be able to see what I want, what I land on.

Now I have a question. Are you able, by the feel of the bottle, are you able to tell? No, I can't tell anything on the bottle. Because I didn't think so, but I wanted to make sure we're not cheating. Okay.

All right. So. I know just that it's like, my eyelashes are touching it. That's all right. All right. So this one, this one here, if you can see it on the screen, is number three. It's between, give it a nice big gulp.

I'd put that one between one and two. Okay. So this is between one and two. Yep. So that puts two at three, I guess. That, yep, yep. So we're one, two, three on the blind taste test bottled water challenge on conversations with a Calvinist.

What does this have to do with Calvinism? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. All right. Other than trying to figure out what water a pastor should take. That's right. Pastors should take water into the pulpit.

You got to stay hydrated brothers. And we're going to tell you which one we believe is the best per the blind taste test challenge. All right. Here we go. The palms together, my friend, palms together and give it a go.

Oh, that's clearly number one. That one's the best? That's the best one. Yeah. That's the cleanest one yet. All right. So we're putting that over here at number one. All right. Last but not least. Might be.

This is, might be the least. This is a last one for the test. It's pretty full. So don't squeeze it. Just, just barely touch it. I got you. And.

I got to say, that one might be my Zephyr Hills. I'm going to put that number two. That's right behind the other one. Yeah.

All right. So we've got, we have our rankings for Mr. Richard. Let me put them in their ranked order so that you can be surprised. Now from right to left, this is your blind taste test. Number one is Fiji water.

Number two, Sam's Choice purified water. Number three is Zephyr Hills. Number four is Dasani, which I think you called garbage water. It was. At one point it was number two. Yeah. Yeah. And then number five, Aquafina.

Hmm. So Richard's is Fiji.

I'm surprised that I put members.

Purified, members marked purified water, which is, which is the one I drink all the time because we buy them in bulk here at the church. Zephyr Hills, Dasani, Aquafina. Going from here to here, this is Richard's picks.

And I'm going to let you keep these because I'm not going to drink them. So you can go ahead and take those brother. All right.

I'll put them down here. I'm surprised that that one made it into number two. Here we go.

I've got to do what you did. I'm going to move my mic back slightly. Make sure you adjust that mask where it feels like it's your eyeballs. I'm not even joking. All right. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I am now going, I'm going to be turning everything over to Richard.

Yep. I'm going to be hosting conversations with a Calvinist for the next two or three minutes. Giving this over to you. It's all right, man. All right. I'm just handing you water.

It's okay. All right. I feel like Batman. I will say though. Actually, I feel more like a daredevil. You don't look like daredevil. But anyway. I think I would be like a chubby daredevil.

It would be like a... So. Okay. Hold on. Well, I'm glad that I did have Aquafina at last because I do believe I hate Aquafina more than I hate this awning.

But anyway. All right. So put me in a random order. Don't give me the same order you got, obviously. I don't even know what order I got. Okay. I was blindfolded.

That's right. But I will show it to the camera. Show it to the cameras. This is bottle number one that he's going to taste test that you are now looking at. I'm going to crack it open for you. And it is between your hands come together.

Do not squeeze. Take a shot. At least taking a big shot.

Do you need more? No. Okay. I don't like it. Right now it's number one. Well, it has to be number one to start with, but there's something about it. It's kind of like a weird aftertaste.

Okay. Next. Bring it on, brother. I'm going, and you went right to left. I'm going left to right from your perspective.

All right. So the one closest to me is number one? The one closest directly in front of you will be your number one. Okay. So that makes sense.

All right. Here's bottle number two. Again, don't squeeze. It's between your hands come together. There you go.

Where do you like it? I don't know. I think bottle number one affected my palate. I think that Don't blame the chooser on that one. I think that one's better than number one, but not much. All right.

Well, we will slide it. It is now taking the number one spot.

Okay. Okay. Moving to your third selection, which is this one to the camera. I can imagine. I may have forgotten. I gotta put this picture,.

Whatever this picture is. This would be my new profile picture. Hi, everybody. I may have forgotten.

I may have forgotten to show number two cause I'm not a host. Well, that was number two that he chose to be number one. Here's his third bottle. We're opening now. Here we go. Okay. I feel like a walrus.

Come together. Don't squeeze too hard. I can't take it slow. We'll wait for a moment. Calm yourself. I'm sorry. Are you ready? I moved the water. I didn't want you to come together and splash it. So I moved it.

It wasn't there anymore. It was a magic trick. Now it's there. I'm the easiest person to fool. And he used to do magic, ladies and gentlemen. All right, here we go. It's better. I think that's one. I think that's number one.

Okay. So we're just slowly moving down the list here.

All right. If I open my eyes, everything turns blue.

Well, that's because you're wearing a goop ball.

Oh, I have my eyes closed under the mask. Okay.

Here's bottle number four. Showing it to the camera for all to see. And we're going to crack this open. And it's between your hands. Do not squeeze.

Going back for a second shot. I don't hate it, but I think it's three maybe. That's not, it's not, it's not better than one. And I think it's on par with two. So make that three. Make that number three.

All right. So the first bottle you drank is definitely better than the first bottle. Yeah, I think it's better than, yeah, yeah. The first bottle gave you the nasty aftertaste. I'm trying to keep, yeah, that's the one that sort of, yeah.

All right. And finally, this bottle here. Showing to the camera. And do not squeeze. It is full. That was a shoulder shrug of, I'm not sure.

No, that one honestly tastes the most like tap water. But I like tap water. No, I'm serious. Like that one didn't taste, it didn't taste manufactured. It just tasted like what I get out of my sink. And I like what comes out of my sink.

So that one's almost on par for number one. Okay. Would you like to retaste number one? Let me taste number one. All right.

Bring it, bring it back, baby. Okay. I was pretty definitive in mine. We have some controversy for number one. You can take one. Okay. Going back to the other one. There you go. Close.

They're almost the same. In my mind. Almost the same. Almost the same. I'm going to go, number two is number one. And number, what was number one is now number two.

Okay. So the one that you thought was tap water.

Yeah, the one that I think is tap water, which is basically saying something about my palate. I actually think tap water is the best.

Okay. Well, then you may, they are now ranked in order left to right, one through five.

I have to ask you before we take all this off though. You think I would make a good penguin? Like in the next Batman movie? Dressed like this?

Yeah. No. Nevermind. He's a DC comic fan. You would make an outstanding penguin. I would watch it and it'd be Oscar caliber. I heard his feelings a little bit there. So your number one tap water is Zephyr Hills.

Yes. Oh my goodness. Okay. Which is Florida spring water. Interesting. Your number two is Fiji. Okay. Number three would be your favorite. Well, the one I thought, yeah. And then you just flipped the last two, Aquafina and Dasani.

I had Dasani, Aquafina. Dasani is the one that gave me the bad aftertaste.

Correct. That was the one that you had the bad aftertaste on. Aquafina, you were a one and two, I think. And let's go back to footage. It might've been, you put it on par with the first one.

Now, I want to ask you, because I want to be a little honest with the viewer. Did you have any idea what you were drinking?

No, I had no clue. I couldn't even tell the shape of this bottle,.

Which I thought I would. That's the only one that I sort of knew. Because when I went to touch it, I felt the flat sides and I was trying not to. So just to be honest with the viewer, I thought that that might be the Fiji.

I wasn't sure. I totally know this is Zephyr Hills. I thought this was this one. Right. I thought it was my normal one. Because this, I drink it so much. I think these are the same. I think these bottled waters are sourced from the same place.

This is, honestly, it tastes, people talk about being garbage water. I know Hank, your brother, has said it's, he posted on my Facebook page that it was garbage water. And even the illustrious, what's her name?

Candice Owens. Candice Owens said this is garbage water. I get it. I get this is, a lot of people don't like this. And I get why. It tastes like it was run through a machine. And I guess they're all run through a machine, but this tastes like it was run through the gearbox of a 57 Chevy.

Well, I always equated it.

Well, I put Aquafina last, but Dasani and Aquafina, both to me, are like, if you just went and opened the back of the toilet and dipped water and drank it, it's just nasty.

We both would say Dasani and Aquafina are, do not get that. If you're buying bottled water for your pastor and you're the one in charge of putting something in the pulpit for the man to drink, this is not it.

If he likes Dasani, you may want to look at the heresy trials and take something. Is there something wrong? If you want to ruin a sermon, you give him those two orders. That's right. But the, I love the, again, I get this all the time.

You are convinced that the Fiji was the best. You're not as, are you, are you,.

Zephyr Hills is your go-to? I drink, that's what we buy at home is Zephyr Hills. Where does Zephyr Hills end up on yours?

It randed up three. Number two was Member's Mark. Okay, so honestly, our Top three. Top three are these three. And I think both of us would probably say, cause I said these two were so close. I would say, I'd be willing to put that out front.

And say, okay. Oh, that's Fiji water, definitely number one. But Fiji water is going to be more expensive.

You buy this for your pastor, you might be in one of the mega churches where, you know, we've got more than three people on Sunday afternoon, you know? Right. So, you got a big church, you get your pastor this water here.

If you're like us and you run a little lean and you ain't got as many people and you're trying to save some of that, some of them ties and offerings, you can go with the Zephyr Hills, which is a little cheaper.

And of course you can get 50 of these for like eight cents from Sam. And honestly, this is the, I think the Sam's Choice generic water is perfect for me, but that's not available to everyone. So, well, I guess Sam's are pretty much everywhere.

But if you're looking for just the best, I think I'll agree with you and we'll go with the fancy square bottled Fiji. And this, I think this would look nice if I were preaching and I pulled out, I mean, just look at that on camera.

Look how pretty that flower is. I think if I pulled this out and I turned my head sideways while I was like, open your Bibles to Genesis 38.

Well, I will say this, we do get Zephyr Hills for our pastor.

In the small bottles, the little small. Oh, first of all, don't do the small bottles. You're killing the environment. Oh, really? I really don't care about that. That's not the point. Yeah, that's killing the environment.

Okay, well. All right, so our choices are Fiji, number one, Zephyr Hills, number two. And if you have to get it, get Sam's Choice, do not get Dasani, do not get Aquafina or we'll be calling you up for the next heresy trial.

Thank you for being with us today for this fun episode of Conversation with Columns. Thank you, Richard, for being with me. As always, I appreciate it. And again, if you want to have us do something else like this, something just for fun, send us a recommendation at calvinistpodcasts at gmail .com.

Thank you for listening to Conversation with a Calvinist. I'm Keith Foskey and I've been your Calvinist. May God bless you.