TLP 321: Your Parenting Really Is All about You

Many Christian parents probably think their parenting should be all about God, and that's correct, to a point. But there's a way that our parenting should also be all about us.

The Christmas Season and Supporting the Ministry

Welcome to Truth. Love. Parent. Where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents. Here's your host A .M. Brewster.

Christmas will be here soon. I hope you're parenting your children in light of a Christ-honoring Christmas. It's really just too easy to go into an autopilot this time of year. We need to be intentional and premeditated as we disciple our kids for God over the next few weeks.

I encourage you to listen to our Christmas themed parenting episodes as you work out or drive or shower or fold laundry. I'll include a link to them in the description of this episode. I also want to remind you to do your Christmas shopping on Amazon this year.

Not only will you be able to avoid the insanity of the stores, but you'll also get pretty much the best prices anywhere. And if you join Prime, you can get most of your orders to your house in about two days.

That should leave you plenty of time to wrap them. Also, if you shop using our affiliate links, and this is the key thing, okay? Shop using the affiliate links at TruthLoveParent .com. TLP will receive commissions on any and all qualifying purchases.

Not only will you get all your Christmas shopping done without all the headaches, you'll also be supporting TLP. And speaking of support, I want to thank Dave for making today's episode possible. His faithful giving allows this listener-supported ministry to continue producing free Christ-honoring parenting resources.

If you're interested, I would encourage you to please click on the five ways to support TLP link in the description of this episode to learn more about how you can partner with us in this ministry. Every gift, no matter the size, can be used by the Lord to spread His truth.

Why Parenting Is Also About Us

Okay, so today we're talking about something that may sound hedonistic or selfish. That's not the point. Our parenting really is ultimately all about God. However, the biggest way that God is glorified in our parenting is when we realize that our parenting really is all about us.

Are you confused yet? Let's unpack this idea. Today we're talking about why is it always about me? Why is it always about me? That's a tough one, you know? It's kind of funny as human beings, pretty much everything in life ends up being about us.

It's about me, you know, what I want. This is a struggle I have daily in my parenting. Balancing what I want versus what reality is and what I need to do in the moment. But even though we're sinfully bent to always be thinking, you know, about me, sometimes we don't want it to be about us.

We don't like it when it's our fault. We don't like it when we think this person over here is to blame, and yet someone else is telling us that we are to blame. And sometimes that question comes up. Why is it always about me?

You know, it's kind of interesting where I work at Victory Academy for Boys. You know, I get a lot of students into my house and they're here for 10 months. And sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes we have parents who they want us to fix their kid.

You know, our kid's broken. Our kid is the problem in our family. All the issues in our family, it's because of this kid. And if you just take him for a while and you fix him and you give him back to us, then everything will be okay.

And here at Victory, we realized that that's not always how it works. Yes, I guarantee you 100 of the time, the boy is to blame for his choices. He is 100 responsible for what he has chosen to do and to say in this family.

But there are some complications. First of all, one of the complications is the fact that I can't fix your kid. I can't fix you. This is not a shop where you can bring your car in and we can pop the hood and we can tinker around the engine and then give it back to you, everything fixed.

Funny thing is that doesn't even happen oftentimes with our cars. We take that in and the mechanic says, well, hey, you know, it's better. And we're okay with that. But with people, we can't do that. I can't change your heart.

I can't change your son's heart. Really, when it comes right down to it, the only person I can change is me. And the only person that you can change is you. So that's the first difficulty, you know, of that mentality of here, fix my kid.

The second difficulty is that oftentimes, you know, it takes two to tango. When you have a situation in a family where there's poor lines of communication, things are broken down, there's rebelliousness, there's disobedience, there's yelling, there's anger, there's fear, there's hopelessness.

Oftentimes, the boy may seem to be the loudest antagonist, the biggest rebel in the house. That doesn't mean that I, as a parent, do not have some things that I need to look into my life. That doesn't mean that there isn't some appropriate introspection necessary for me to see what part I play in this relationship dynamic.

And so with that said, let's figure out, should it always be about me? Why should it always be about me? What does that mean for me when it comes to my parenting and to other relationships in my life?

Conflict, Greed, and the Log in My Own Eye

Imagine with me the following conversation, a counselee is sitting down with a counselor, and the man says, my wife doesn't respect me. And so the counselor replies, why do you think you're not easy to respect?

You can almost hear the next thing that's going to come. Counselee says, the guy says, well, what does this have to do with me? My wife isn't respecting me. Or maybe, you know, a young person is sitting in front of a youth pastor.

My parents are such idiots. And the youth pastor says, you know, I don't think the Lord's glorified when you talk about your parents that way. And you can almost hear the response. You're just like my parents.

Why is it always my fault? I'm trying to talk to you about them and you're bringing up my problems. Or maybe you're talking to a friend, you know, and the friend says, when you're talking with atheists, you know, I don't really think it's good to quote the Bible to them.

And you say, well, I don't really see any other options. God says his word is powerful and effective. My human reasoning won't sway them if his word doesn't. And your friend replies, yeah, I just don't think it works.

And so you kind of have this burden for your friend. They're not seeing maybe the power of scripture, the efficacy of God's word. And so you say, oh, maybe you need to reconsider the sufficiency of the scripture.

What's God been teaching you in his word recently? And your friend replies, what does this have to do with me? Of course, obviously, you know, you realize these very few conversations work this quickly.

You know, wisdom dictates that it take a bit longer to get from the first observation to the last. Still over the past 10 years of family counseling, I can't remember a single situation where a counselee was perfectly innocent within a conflict.

There wasn't a single dad who hadn't provoked his children to wrath or not live with his wife according to knowledge. I never counseled a wife who'd submitted to her husband and loved her children consistently.

And believe it or not, I know it's gonna be hard. I never met a child who honored and obeyed his parents without fault. You see, they all had grievances. They all had mental fingers to point. They all had emotional subpoenas to deliver.

They all had judgment to bear down. But they all had responsibility too. Each train wrecked relationship was partially their doing. Each argument was of their own making. And the same goes for me. And I'm pretty certain that the same goes for you too.

The Bible tells us that when there's a conflict, we're all to blame. James 4, 1 through 2 says that conflict arises because we want something and don't get it. It says, what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?

Is it not the source of your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lost and do not have, so you commit murder. You're envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. If I'm angry, annoyed, or aggravated, I'm to blame.

That quarrel arises from the fact that I want something and I'm not giving it. Luke 12, 13 through 21 gives us a glimpse into the way Jesus handled a situation that was just like this. Someone in the crowd said to him, teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me.

I can, you can kind of hear this guy's like, tell my idiot of a brother that he needs to share. But he, referring to Jesus, said to him, man, who appointed me judge or arbitrator over you? Then Jesus said to him, beware and be on your guard against every form of greed.

For not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions. And then he told them a parable. Picture this with me. I mean, this guy comes to Christ hoping that Jesus will tell off his loser brother.

This guy's not sharing his inheritance. Clearly, the brother was being unloving and selfish. But instead of acknowledging the brother's sinful choices, Jesus told a parable demonstrating that the guy in the crowd had a problem with greed.

Jesus even did this when the person before him wasn't complaining about someone else. When two of his disciples sent their mother to tell Jesus, command that in your kingdom, these two sons of mine may sit on your right and on your left.

Jesus pointed out that their lusts caused them to miss the very important fact that while they were worried about their will, Christ was focused on the supremacy of his father. The woman at the well tried to distract Jesus with racial and religious arguments, but Jesus reminded her that she needed true religion.

Peter, trying to speak for God, rebuked Jesus for suggesting that he would be crucified. Then Jesus showed Peter that it was he who was in error. The man just wanted to bury his father before following Christ.

Is that too much to ask? But Jesus showed him that his heart was in the wrong place. Think about the Pharisees. Every time Jesus interacted with them, he had to show them that their motivation was only evil continually.

And the list goes on. Time and again, people went to Jesus and he showed them that their biggest problem were not their situations or their surroundings. It wasn't the people in their lives. It was their own self-serving hearts.

Looking at the Log Before the Speck

Our biggest issue, however, is not realizing that we are as much a part of the problem as everyone else is, but that when there's a conflict, I'm the first one I should be concerned about. Think with me about Matthew 7, 3 through 5.

Why do you look at the speck that's in your brother's eye, but you do not notice the log that's in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take out the speck out of your eye, and behold, the log is in your own eye?

You hypocrite. First, take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Does that sound familiar? How many times have we flown at someone, teeth bared, only to find out our content, method, or motivation were all wrong?

Unbiblical arguments, unloving behavior, and selfish priorities all betray that we're the ones with the problem. We'd better look to the log swinging out of our own heads before we chastise another for his splinter.

In Matthew 5, 23 through 24, Jesus informs us that worship must take a back seat to reconciliation. We have to fix our problems before worship will mean anything. He says, if you're presenting your offering at the altar, and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go.

First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. While in the process of worship, if I remember that a brother has been offended by something I've done, I didn't make it right before God will be pleased by my worship.

How much worship this past Sunday was distasteful to God because the worshipers hadn't acknowledged they had fault. Ladies and gentlemen, it's always about me. And it's always about you. In every conflict, we must look first to our own sin before trying to fix everyone else.

Then we can be the husbands that are easy to respect, children who are a joy to parent, and friends who rely on God's truth that turn the heart of men to their creator. And when we apply this specifically to our parenting, it changes so much.

Parenting as Self-Examination and Christlike Response

My son and I have an interaction, and it goes south. I wanted him to clean his room, and he doesn't do it the right way. And my first recourse is to jump all over him because what he did was inappropriate.

He disobeyed. He didn't clean his room. But can I parent in a Christ-honoring way if I'm angry? Yes, the Bible says be angry and don't sin. So it is possible to be angry and not to sin, but I don't know about you.

I struggle with that. I struggle believing that I can truly be angry without sinning. And I struggle with that because I don't know that I've ever actually done it. I get mad. I get frustrated. I get annoyed.

And I respond selfishly. Now, my sin is not keeping my son from cleaning his room. His sin is. And yet, parenting is more than just making my son clean his room. Parenting is helping him to become more like Christ, being intentional, having a plan of how my son, through learning to interact with me, through learning to clean his room, to be respectful and obedient and a hard worker, he can grow up to be a man who God is pleased to say that he is his God.

And that's what parenting really is. Again, it's not just getting him to clean his room or to do his chores or to finish his homework. But if you're anything like me, you want so very badly to be able to fix all the ills in the world.

You want your children to love God and have a successful, happy life. But really, you can't do any of that. Yes, I'm to parent. I'm to help my son to become more like Christ. But I can't actually do it.

The only person I can affect in any way is myself. You can change you. And the great thing is when you change you, God can use you as he transforms others. But if God hasn't changed you, he can't really use you very well in the process of helping to transform someone else.

This is a very difficult dynamic of my house life here at Victory Academy. I have, you know, up to eight boys in my home. All these boys might be referred to as teens in crisis or troubled teens. And here I am trying to tell them that life works better, that you can be happier, and you can have spiritual success in your life if you submit to God and are born again, and you're living in the strength.

And I'm saying all these things, but they see me at the breakfast table, and they see me in the hallway, and they see me when the other guys are disrespectful, and they see me when someone doesn't do their chore.

And when I'm inconsistent, I'm proving to them that the things I'm telling them they should do really aren't that important. It's important for you, but it's not important for me. Hey, you're not supposed to get mad at that guy and yell at him when he gets in your way.

But if you get in my way, I can yell at you. And it doesn't matter how much we like to lie to ourselves, they can see the hypocrisy in that. They can see that this quote-unquote truth I'm telling them to live by isn't quite good enough for me.

And so I'm constantly in the place where I need to be the man God wants me to be. And I end up realizing I spend most of my time working on me, making it about me. When I'm annoyed by what one of the guys does, that's my fault.

Yes, again, trust me, I understand what the guy did to annoy me likely was wrong. It was sinful, it was done with the wrong attitude, whatever the case may be. But my being annoyed was my choice. I was only annoyed because what he did got in my way.

And I can't really help him until I've dealt with my issue first so that I can respond to him in the Christ-honoring way and help him to respond in a Christ-honoring way. But if it's not about me, if it's not about me to the degree that I'm focused on God's will in that moment, I'm focused on what this boy needs, I won't be annoyed because he got in my way.

And so that's constantly my focus as I'm going through situations. If there's an interaction with a guy or a student or a friend or someone in my own children, or someone out in the community, if my response is wrong because someone cut me off or because the gas station's prices went up again or because my daughter kicked her brother or whatever, the annoyance is my problem.

And I need to deal with that in me before I can really deal with my children and help them be reconciled to God. When it comes to your parenting, I'm not suggesting you stop lovingly speaking truth into your children's lives.

I'm not suggesting you don't hold your kids to biblical standards. I am, however, telling you that if you want to parent your children the right way, to one degree or another, it will always be about you and your relationship to God.

When you stand before God, he will hold you responsible and to a degree for the choices that your family made. But he will also hold you even more responsible for the choices that you made. I am Aaron Brewster, and that is the one person I'm most responsible for.

Second to that, my wife. Third to that, my kids. Fourth to that, anyone else God brings into my life. And the same is true for you and your responsibility to God, first and foremost for you. If this is a difficult concept, you know, if you don't like the way this feels, you know, I want it to be about my kid.

I want it to be about my daughter who throws a temper tantrum. I want it to be about my son who's getting involved with the wrong crowd. I want it to be their fault because it is their fault. I don't like it being my fault.

Then I would encourage you to spend some time in the Word. Think through these passages that we talked through today in the James passage and in the Matthew passages where Jesus shows us that we need to make certain our hearts are right first.

Don't hesitate to email us. Don't hesitate to reach out to us on Facebook or to me on Twitter at A .M. Brewster. This is why we're here. We want to help you and we want to be encouraged by you as we see what God is doing in your lives.

I need this for myself and I would be honored to be able to serve your family by encouraging you and helping you to see how the truth of God can have a huge impact on your parenting today.

Closing Encouragement and Sign-Off

Truth.

Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.