TLP 598: Your Child and Self-Esteem

That observation is not entirely inaccurate. Yes, people who consider themselves to be depressed often do view themselves as worthless or negative.

Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm your host, A .M. Brewster, and today we're approaching a decades -old debate about a slightly different angle than maybe it has been approached before.

We're going to talk about your child and self -esteem. You can peruse the description of this episode to access free notes, a transcript, and links related to resources to help you continue your study.

So let's get started. When discussing secular psychiatry, all honest participants of the conversation will acknowledge that we all tend to speak far too concretely about topics and themes and diagnoses about which we have little to no consensus.

For example, in an article written in 2003 for the National Institute of Health entitled The Foundation of Self -Esteem,

Dr. Joseph A. Bailey II argues, quote, Self -esteem is a simplistic term for varied and complex mental states pertaining to how one views oneself.

It takes but little research in the voluminous literature to see the vagueness and inconsistencies in its various definitions.

Even more problematic is the uncertainty concerning its foundational components. The importance of having a solid definition and specific ideas about the foundational components of self -esteem is that they both pave the way to recognize its causes, to predicting effects from those causes, and to organizing the troubleshooting process for locating those philosophical flaws or psychological scars which lead to low self -esteem.

The purpose of this paper is to offer a common ground for thinking about self -esteem at its most basic level, unquote.

By the way, I don't think he necessarily accomplished it because from what he's saying there, that's not generally the accepted definitions.

Okay, but Aaron, that was written in 2003. Yes, and things have only become more and more confused.

Instead of finding a pathological route that creates consistent symptoms and consequences, we've continued to find that there is no consistent pathology, symptom, or consequences to the supposed reality of quote -unquote low self -esteem.

And this uncertainty is not solely limited to discussions concerning disorders and illnesses. The very interworking of the brain itself is a mystery even to our modern -day scientists.

Yes, the brain sciences have come a long way, but even the postgraduate textbooks must say at the very beginning of the book that there is more that we don't understand about the brain than what we do understand.

So in order to agree on our terms, I have chosen what I believe should likely be the most respected opinion on this topic.

We're going to use the definition presented by the American Psychological Society. Once we've established a working definition of self -esteem, we're going to work through the definition to compare it to biblical thought.

It's important that we have one agreed -upon definition, or else the words we're using will mean nothing.

If I say that self -esteem is nothing more nor less than confidence in my abilities, but you believe that self -esteem is your sense of personal worth, we can never come to consensus on whether we should have it or not have it or the ramifications of all that.

But before we consider what the American Psychological Society has to say about self -esteem, I want to invite you to pray for me and my daughter as we head to Lacombe, Louisiana.

I'll be teaching about the biblical parenting essentials, and Ivy will be helping me at our display. God's people parenting in God's way is one of the most powerful tools of evangelism available to the

Church. And if you happen to be in the Lacombe area or the surrounding areas and want to attend, you should totally do that.

This is the year 2025, and we are going to be meeting on October 3rd and 4th for that two -day conference.

Now if you'd like me to come to your church to preach and or teach about parenting, please write to us at TeamTLP at TruthLoveParent .com

or visit AMBrewster .com to learn more. All right, here's how the

American Psychological Society defines self -esteem. This definition was last updated on November 5th, 2023.

Self -esteem is the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one's self -concept are perceived to be positive.

It reflects a person's physical self -image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person.

The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one's self -esteem.

A reasonably high degree of self -esteem is considered an important ingredient of mental health, whereas low self -esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms."

End quote. Here's the format of the rest of this episode. We're going to take this definition idea by idea and compare it to the available biblical material on the topic.

So, here we go. Number one, self -esteem is the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one's self -concept are perceived to be positive.

Now as with many definitions, we quickly find that we cannot perfectly understand the definition because another term has been inserted that also needs to be defined.

According to the APA, self -concept is defined as one's description and evaluation of oneself, including psychological and physical characteristics, qualities, skills, roles, and so forth.

Self -concepts contribute to the individual's sense of identity over time. The conscious representation of self -concept is dependent in part on non -conscious schematization of the self.

Although self -concepts are usually available to some degree to the conscious, they may be inhibited from representation yet still influence judgment, mood, and behavioral patterns."

Wow, we could do a full series on just that definition. Suffice it to say, we're going to limit our understanding of self -concept to one's description and evaluation of oneself.

Therefore, according to the APA, self -esteem is the degree to which you judge the various facets that contribute to who you are as being positive.

Therefore, low self -esteem would involve negatively assessing the characteristics and qualities that comprise how

I view myself. Okay, so if self -esteem depends on how I interpret the qualities and characteristics of my personality, my body, my skills, etc.,

then we already have some biblical problems. Letter A, mankind does not get to define what is positive or negative.

Someone may feel very good about themselves because they perceive their stubbornness as a positive characteristic.

Now, in Psalm 81, 11 through 12, we hear the Lord say, "...but my people did not listen to my voice.

Israel would not submit to me, so I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own counsels."

Proverbs 29, 1 says, "...he who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing."

Proverbs 21, 2 reads, "...every man's way is right in his own eyes, but Yahweh weighs the hearts."

We have a whole episode entitled, What Happens When Your Family Does What Is Wrong? It's right in its own eyes. Well, what happens is not pretty.

And we know from Jeremiah 17, 9 that the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. Who can know it?

Just because we conceive something in us to be good doesn't mean that it really is. It doesn't mean that I should feel good about myself because of that particular attribute.

And we could find so many examples of this in our world. People have esteem, they have pride over the fact that they're homosexuals, that they're grotesquely overweight and not serving their health well, and they feel that those things are positive.

But mankind does not get to define what is positive or negative. Letter B, feeling positive about something negative is ultimately destructive.

Our world is overflowing with people celebrating the worst parts of themselves, as I just acknowledged.

Their self -esteem is off the chart, but they're feeling really good about things that God defines as dangerous, destructive, divisive, and deadly.

And we're seeing how those things have negative effects on them, whether they feel good about it or not. Because letter

C, people are sinners. Listen, at my core of cores, I am a sinner.

It's not pretty. I shouldn't feel good about that. In fact, in Matthew chapter 5, Jesus says that I should grieve the fact that I am spiritually destitute.

Jesus' half -brother, James, in the fourth chapter of his letter, verses 8 through 9, says, "...draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double -minded. Be miserable, and mourn, and cry.

Let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy to gloom." We should be ashamed, grieved, and broken about our sin.

Therefore, our self -esteem is already a problem, because according to God, there absolutely are things about ourselves that we decidedly must not feel good about.

We don't just get to decide it's a positive thing. So, let's compare these biblical realities to the last part of this definition.

Number two, a reasonably high degree of self -esteem is considered an important ingredient of mental health, whereas low self -esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms.

But what if I am actually factually worthless? If I am being useless to God and everyone else because I'm not fulfilling the purpose for which he created me, isn't it appropriate for me to feel bad about that?

If I'm dangerous to people, if I'm hurting people, shouldn't I feel bad about that?

Ephesians 2 tells us, We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which

God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. That's his will for my life. If in eternity past God decided that I would be created in Christ Jesus for good works, as he defines them, then it's appropriate for me to feel guilty and convicted about not doing the things he created me to do.

In our How Your Children Respond to Sin series, we talked about the conviction response to sin. We looked at the mercy and grace that is conviction and how we desperately need conviction.

In our Children in Shame series, we stepped through the scriptures to understand what good shame is and why we need it so very badly in our lives, as well as how to fight the bad shame.

Therefore, we can't remotely be considered mentally healthy if we're feeling good about ourselves when we should be feeling bad about ourselves.

Now, I'm going to address the final part of this definition at the end, whereas low self -esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms.

That's the part I'm going to talk about later, so don't worry, I didn't miss that part. We'll come back to it. Number three, self -esteem reflects a person's physical self -image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities and values, and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person.

Here again, we see the importance of the individual's perceived successes, but they also add the extra layer of how others view and respond to us.

I've already succinctly shown that we cannot be trusted to rightly conceive of ourselves in an accurate way. We need

God and his word in order to do that. We also saw that it's very important for us to humbly conceive of ourselves the way

God says we should. That will often involve shame and guilt because I have sinned and I'm being wicked. But what about what other people think about me?

In Galatians 1 .10, we read for, Am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am

I trying to please man? If I were trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Proverbs 29 .25

tells us, The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

1 Thessalonians 2 .4 reads, But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak not to please man, but to please

God who tests our hearts. Matthew 5 says we're blessed when people persecute us. And I can go on and on with commands and principles and illustrations that tell us these two key realities.

Letter A, We don't have to give a second thought when other people judge us wrongly. That would be bad shame.

We can reject that. However, letter B, We must give weight when others judge us biblically because they're communicating to us what

God says. At that point, it actually has nothing to do with what you or that person thinks of me.

You were just the conduit through which God helped me see that I was displeasing him. This is what we call inherited authority at its absolute best.

It has nothing to do with the human, but everything to do with God. And in situations like that, yes, it should mean a lot to us that God says what

God says about our lives. That just wraps us back up to the previous points. God is the one who gets to decide what's positive and negative about us and how we should view it.

But there's another really important biblical consideration concerning what we think other people think about us. In 1

Samuel 16, 7, Yahweh said to Samuel, Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him.

For God sees not as man sees. For man looks on the outward appearance, but Yahweh looks at the heart.

It doesn't really matter what man thinks about me. What matters is what God thinks. Letter C, We can no more conclusively know what others think than they can know what we think.

Yes, of course, we can know that someone hates us or thinks we're dumb if they tell us, but most of the time people complain to me that no one likes them.

They haven't concluded that because of what the person said. They're interpreting a bunch of subjective cues, and quite frequently they have atrociously misrepresented those cues.

Therefore, one of the stupidest things a human can do is worry about what they think other people might think about them.

Number four, The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one's self -esteem.

If this is true, then it might be good that my self -esteem is high. I might be agreeing with God's valuation of my character and be matching up to it.

But I might not be agreeing with God. That would mean that my self -esteem is actually bad.

I also might be deceived into thinking that God thinks my characteristics are beneficial.

Again, that's more bad self -esteem. And finally, number five, Low self -esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms.

That observation is not entirely inaccurate. Yes, people who consider themselves to be depressed often do view themselves as worthless or negative.

But that doesn't mean that everyone who views himself as worthless or accurately recognizes his negative characteristics feels depressed.

In fact, if we go back to Matthew 5 and James 4, we see that a right view of our sinfulness coupled by a right view of God's holiness and his love produces great joy.

The Beatitudes start with spiritual destitution and grief, which leads to humility before God. God then works in that person so that they hunger after that which is truly esteemable.

He comforts us, blesses us, satisfies us, pours mercy on us, and causes us to rejoice even in the face of persecution.

In James 4, after telling us to let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into gloom, he continues,

Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and he will exalt you. I wish

I had time to go into it all right now, but I don't. But I will make a statement and then point you to the material where I support that statement from the

Scriptures. Just like there is a sinful sorrow and a sanctified sorrow, a sinful fear and a sanctified fear, a sinful anger and a sanctified anger, there is also a sinful depression and a sanctified depression.

The very definitions of humility and worship are actually depressive in nature.

I unpacked this concept in part 7 of the Practical Suffering section of the

Suffering Well online course on the Evermind app. That session is called Depress Correctly. Normally that course costs $50, but if you use the link in the description of today's episode, you can get all 12 counseling sessions for only $25.

I'm actually throwing in there as well, the Doctrine of Emotion collection of curated content that's only $10, and you can get that link as well in the description of today's episode.

My point is that what the world might call quote -unquote depressive symptoms are not inherently bad and therefore should be avoided.

In fact, they may be absolutely necessary for true healing. Consider 2

Corinthians 7, 9 -11. We've talked about this passage a lot. Paul says, I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to repentance.

For you were made to have a godly sorrow, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For godly sorrow produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation.

But the sorrow of the world brings about death. Now, I could dive into a discussion about how the love of self is actually destructive, but I think the scripture has made its point as it touches on the different facets of the

APA's definition of self -esteem. So in conclusion, let me be the first to say that there is real joy and delight that can come when we have skills and talents that we use to please the

Lord. There is satisfaction that comes from living healthily and being successful in our endeavors.

But Christians shouldn't inherently just feel good about themselves because they think they're good -looking, talented, or holy.

No, we should be praising the Lord because He's the one who blesses us in those ways. An arrogant, prideful individual would simply feel good about himself, but a humble person would feel good about God and His working in us.

That is the esteem we should have. And you know what? Not having that esteem has been the problem ever since the beginning.

In Isaiah 53 .3, we read, He was despised and forsaken of men, this is referring to Jesus, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

And like one from whom men hid their face, he was despised and we did not esteem him.

But fast forward hundreds of years to the time of Acts when people were humbly submitting to the convicting preaching of Christ, and what do we see?

In Acts 5, 12 through 14, we read, Now at the hands of the apostles many signs and wonders were happening among the people, and they were all with one accord in Solomon's portico.

But none of the rest dared to associate with them. However, the people were holding them in high esteem, and more than ever believers in the

Lord were added to their number, multitudes of men and women. The word translated here as high esteem is translated magnify in other places.

For example, in Luke 1 .46 where Mary proclaims, My soul magnifies the Lord, it esteems the

Lord. And Luke 10 .46 where people are magnifying God. When we correctly esteem

God, we will have more joy and peace and contentment and satisfaction than anyone could possibly hope to have esteeming him or herself.

So when it comes to your child and self -esteem, just forget about it. It's not only a bad idea, it's a really bad idea.

Teach your kids to view themselves the way God does. Teach them to esteem God and they will be the happiest kids on the block.

Please share this episode with your friends so that we can rescue our kids from the lethal slavery of self -esteem.

And if you would like us to help your family better understand and implement these truths, please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com

or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894. I would be honored to serve your family in that way.

Well, this is it. This is almost the end of our 32nd season. On our next episode, we're going to preview season 33, and then we're going to celebrate our 600th episode the next week.

See you then. Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

And remember that TLP is a listener -supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.