Struggling with Singleness and Infertility During Christmas

You know, it's so much harder during the holidays when you've lost someone, especially in the recent past, and they're not there to enjoy the coming together that you used to enjoy.

My family's well acquainted with this, as are many families, and especially if you lose that person right before or during the holiday season, it just leaves an open wound, and there's a lot of grief associated with it.

Even as family and friends come together in joyful celebration. One of the things that I experienced a few years ago that surprised me, because it's something that I had not experienced before, is feeling a sense of grief and loss for something, someone, that had not come into existence, at least yet.

And for my wife and I, it was very difficult to go through times when we had dreamed and expected to have children with us, only to not have them there.

And the holidays made that, I think, more profound as well. For those who have been single for long periods of time, you watch the 20s go by, it's now your 30s, for some of you it might be your 40s, or maybe even older, and you expected to have someone there with you to share, in an intimate way, the time that families are supposed to come together for, and it just hasn't happened.

And it stings, and it hurts, and there's a sense in which you feel like maybe there's something wrong with you, maybe you shouldn't feel this way.

Everyone's rejoicing, I should be rejoicing. There's plenty of things to rejoice about, there are. But I also feel a deep sadness.

And scripture says to encourage the faint -hearted. And it's in that spirit that I wanted to read for you something that I wrote.

A good friend of my wife and me texted me the other day, expressing the difficulty of going through this time.

She texted both of us, actually. I had posted a stat on Facebook about Gen Z adults from 18 to 29, and how 51 % of them are single.

And if you go back 10 years, it's 41%, which is quite a jump.

And this is what she said. She said, this statistic is wild. I never imagined falling into that category at this stage in my life.

It does make me feel less alone, though. And it's not for the purposes of this particular video to get into the reasons for that.

The important thing is that many quality people, both young and old, will be going through a time when they expected to have a spouse, and perhaps children, and yet are again facing the season alone.

And the Christmas films that you enjoy during this time of year, and the dreams of celebrating with family, are now a source of pain.

I will spare you the stats on fertility rates, but they're not much better. And I think the feeling that accompanies a barren womb, and the feeling that accompanies not having a spouse when you deeply want a spouse, are very similar feelings.

They're feelings of loss, but you haven't actually lost anyone. You feel like you've lost the person that you have yet to find.

You think that there's going to be bedroom squeals of joy on Christmas morning, and that second bedroom is empty, and it's silent once again.

And if you are in this unfortunate position of grieving for relationships that do not exist, and for children who have not been born this

Christmas, you need to know that it is normal to feel that way. I understand that there's a well -intentioned belief out there among Christians that encourage you to find fulfillment in other places, namely the church.

And I really do hope that if you are single, that there's Christians who open up their doors to you, you can join them in their homes.

But this is not going to replace the family that you do not yet have. And I think there's an expectation that that hole can just be filled by joy in the

Lord, by family and friends, by church family.

And that's not completely true. I would like to tell you that love is right around the corner, but I do not know the story that God has written for you.

And it is in that story that you must place your trust, even through tears. I'm reminded of the grief that my wife and I felt that I described before.

We had been actively trying for years to have children. And doing everything humanly possible.

And we felt like failures every month. The holidays were particularly difficult. Now we now have a one -year -old child, and she is such a blessing.

But I don't bring this up to flaunt it in front of you and to say, well, we trusted God, look what he did for us, he'll do the same for you.

There were times that I did not know if we would ever have children. There were times as singles, both my wife and I wondered if we would ever marry.

Many heroes of the faith have felt similar to this. I think of Hannah weeping as she watched

Penina. They're child after child, and she couldn't have any.

And she cried out to the Lord, and the Lord finally granted her Samuel. And so the question is, what does it mean to count it all joy?

We're supposed to count it all joy, Paul says. When we encounter various trials, what does that mean?

Well, I believe it means a few things. First, it means rejoicing with those who rejoice, even as they weep with you while you weep.

Second, it means recognizing a trial for what it is. It's an actual trial.

This is not something to celebrate in a twisted way. It's hard.

It's tough. It's something to avoid if possible. And yet it's something to accept as a tool in the hands of a loving father whose plan is mysterious.

My one -year -old does not always understand the limitations that we put on her. And there are going to be times in her life when others will enjoy abilities and blessings that she has not yet received.

Yet, we're trying to train her, even at this young age, to be thankful and grateful for what she does have.

And when things are hard, to be honest about those things and to go to the Lord with them. I think there's two ways to deal with this.

You can become greedy and abandon providence for anger and blame in such moments.

None of this is your fault. So why should you be made to feel different or lacking?

Or you can accept the thorn in the flesh, asking God to remove it soon and trusting

His intended design to remove it according to His own timing. As Job said in Job 13 .15,

though He slay me, I will hope in Him. People will make insensitive comments to you this season, whether through malice or ignorance.

I still remember hearing questions like, hey, are you ever going to get married? The one that stung more later in life was, are you ever going to go have children?

Is it going to happen for you? I remember one time distinctly, someone even at church asked me right after the end of the sermon, so when are you going to have kids?

And you cannot stop people from saying ignorant things. They likely do not understand what you are experiencing, but God does.

And He sees every tear. I remember hearing so often among new fathers how having children changed them, even as I was older than many of them and had not received a child of my own yet.

And a thought occurred to me at the time, and this has been borne out, I think this is true, that both singleness and infertility also change you.

Having children changes you. Marriage changes you. But being single and wanting to be married and wanting to have children and not having them also changes you in ways that you would not have changed otherwise.

I am still capable of being insensitive, but not as insensitive as I once was. Trials have changed my perspective and made me more aware of the suffering of others.

I do not know what God has planned for you this Christmas. Perhaps you will meet someone. Perhaps you will have a child or find out you're pregnant or your wife's pregnant.

But perhaps you will embark on another year of disappointment. And in such moments,

I cannot give you a formula or a place to go that will wipe away your tears. That's not for this life, that's for the life to come.

But I can point you to someone that I know. Someone who suffered abandonment by his friends, who lived a life of suffering and singleness, and who went to a cross to die so that you might have eternal life.

So that you might have the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship that exists with him. And this is why we celebrate

Christmas, right? Jesus pierced our broken world, our often confusing, sin -filled world.

A world that doesn't make sense to us and he conquered it. And he says in John 16 .33,

Well, that's my hope for you this

Christmas. That you can cry, that you have friends and people that can comfort you in that time.

That you can be okay, not being okay. And at the same time, that the

Lord will bless you with the comfort that he provides. With hope for the life to come, with hope in this life.

And most of all, in celebrating the relationship that he's given you. You're not going through this alone.

And the one who suffered every kind of temptation, yet without sin, is also here for you.