What It Takes to Be a Man — Paul Washer

Let's open our Bibles to Genesis chapter 2. Verse 18. Then the Lord God said it is not good for the man to be alone I will make him a helper suitable for him. Verse 22 the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man.

The man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

The Loss of Biblical Manhood

We're going to talk about several things this morning prompted out of the things that that came about in this conference and the questions that were asked and some things that are evident to anyone who seeks to observe our culture and compare it in light of scripture and that is what we call the almost absolute loss of manhood in our country the loss of manhood we're going to be speaking about this.

First of all let me give you some background. In the scriptures and throughout most of the civilization there has been this idea that a male is either a boy or he is a man. And that is not only biblical it is very very convenient.

There are not many young men who desire to be called a boy and in that case when there's just two categories either a boy or a man the young boys work very hard to no longer be boys and to put away childish things and to become men.

But something that has happened that is the result of a false evolutionary model false ideas of human development so that now we no longer have two categories. Three there's no longer the category of boy and man but boy adolescent and man and adolescent is a false view of human development.

It's based on evolution it's not based on scripture. And Jesus says you will know things by its fruit and the fruit it has produced is devastating. So that now what we have is when a little boy reaches the age of 11 or 12 or 13 or wherever you want to put the line he is referred to as an adolescent and in this adolescent stage it is believed that he is to be searching for autonomy self-discovery and he should be rebellious and and in all the things that that he is the problem with that is this.

Fathers, Sons, and the Responsibilities of Manhood

The Bible never teaches that children are to reach an age when they start seeking their own autonomy and become rebellious and disobedient and and flagrant with regard to the commands of their parents and respect towards their parents.

Secondly adolescence provides a wonderful category for the lazy boy who wants to experience the privileges of a man but does not want to assume the responsibilities of a man. And so what we have now is little boys that grow into 11 or 12 or 13 year olds and then they enter the stage of adolescence where they continue to act like boys but demand the privileges of a man.

And for the most part in the generations that are before us today stay in this category well into their 30s. And it is what we're coming across is the loss of biblical manhood in the United States in the West also Europe this is a devastating thing.

I was speaking to young men last night and I said you know you don't want to be called boys but you still play video games in my to jump in a foxhole with you if there's a war and my to depend on you.

One of the things that we've got to realize is we've got to as Christians to reject our culture and begin to realize that the primary responsibility of a man is to raise up godly men. The primary responsibility of a father if he has sons is to invest his life at all costs in his sons to work so that when they reach the age of 17 or 18 they can assume the title of a man and no longer be a boy because a country a civilization and the church cannot exist upon the shoulders of boys but men.

I know that maybe this sounds harsh or devastating to many of you but it's simply true. It's simply true. Now a lot of young men will ask me they'll say well when can I start dating. Well first of all dating is not a biblical concept whatsoever it again is a is a fabrication.

It's part of our culture and it's not even a old part of our culture. It's a recent development over the last hundred years. Dating what do you mean. By dating. You mean primarily recreational dating.

You want to go out with a girl. Right. Why. Why. Because again just like adolescence you want to enjoy the privileges of having a mate without assuming any of the responsibilities of having a mate. Again as a little boy you want to play like a man without assuming the responsibilities of being a man.

A lot of times a young guy will ask me well when can I get involved with someone of the opposite sex. And I said well that's very easy. When you become a man. Well what does that mean. Well according to scripture first of all you must be able to spiritually lead a woman and spiritually lead a household.

Until you reach that point you cannot be considered biblically having entered into manhood. You must be able to spiritually lead your wife and be willing to do it to not only have the knowledge to do it but assume that responsibility upon your shoulders of leading your wife spiritually and then training your children spiritually.

If you are not involved in leading your wife even if you're a Sunday school teacher whatever you are. If you're not involved in leading your wife if you are not pouring your life into your children teaching them the scripture setting before them an example you are not assuming the responsibility of biblical manhood.

You're dropping the ball. You're dropping the ball now not only are you before you can even think about entering into a relationship with the opposite sex. Not only must you be able to spiritually lead your family but you must be able to physically protect your family.

To be a protector for your family. Now that doesn't mean that you're six foot you know four and shrouded with muscles. But it means that as a man you have developed the character that you're going to meet every adversity at the door.

You're not sending your wife to do it. You are the protector of your family. You assume that responsibility of this family. You stand at the door. You're not like Adam who will stand at a distance while a serpent talks to his wife.

You are the one who stands at the door and you meet every adversity. Head-on. It is your job to protect your wife so that she does not have to deal with adversity. It's your job to protect your children so that they have for a while while they are growing a place that is secure and safe home.

Spiritual Leadership, Protection, and Provision

And then when can I start young men. Ask me to pursue a relationship with the opposite sex when you can be a provider for that person. Put it this way. If mom and dad are still paying all the bills for you you have no right to even think about the opposite sex.

I used an illustration yesterday. I love to to hunt and I make bows and arrows. And and because I shoot a long bow that's made all out of wood doesn't there. Arrow doesn't travel as fast as a compound bow.

And so I have to use a special broad head or arrowhead that is two bladed and it has to be extremely sharp. Now when my boy was three years old he starts shooting a bow with me. And now he's four years old he can shoot pretty well I my little boy he uses feel points.

There are dull little points that go on the end of the arrow. They'll stick in a bag but that's about it. And they'll stick in daddy's leg if he shoots him. But but they're not that dangerous. My little boy will not use broad heads on the end of his arrow.

As long as he remains a little boy he will have to grow into something other than a boy to use broad heads like that because they're dangerous for a little boy. In the same way boys should not be even attempting to participate in things that pertain to men even if they're 20 years old and still boys just because you reach a certain age or a physical development does not mean you have the right at all to participate in something that belongs only to a man.

Look what it says in 23 the man said this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. He shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to a wife.

There is no sense in the Bible neither in cultures around the world except for in the West and in modern times of this idea of recreational dating. I want to go out with her because I like her. I want to go out because I want to have a good time.

That's not why you enter in to a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The average so-called Christian in America has five major relationships before they ever get married. And so when they make it to the altar five parts of them are already dispersed throughout the land.

They're not a whole person. You cannot enter into a relationship of any sort of intimacy without leaving a part of yourself behind. And that is why Scripture never even speaks about something like recreational dating.

Also there's this. No there's no idea whatsoever of a boy still living under his parents roof still being fed from their table still being paid for by them who is now going to go out and entertain the thought of being with someone of the opposite sex.

There's no room for that it says. If you want to participate in a relationship with the opposite sex you leave your father and your mother and you say well we practice. I mean everything would have to be changed.

Exactly. But I'll tell you one thing your 16 year old would grow up a lot faster if he knew that. Hold it. I cannot be a boy nor play the things of a boy. And at the same time expect to be allowed to participate in the privileges of a man.

Then again fathers listen to me again is your primary responsibility to make sure that when your boy hits 18 he is a man. Now why is manhood gone from us today. Well what do we expect. I was asking a group of kids this morning.

Cultural Immaturity and the Failure to Prepare Boys for Adulthood

I said let me ask you a question. You go to high school. Do you ever hear guys sitting around talking about man. I want to grow to be a fine man. I want to develop character. I want to be able to take care of myself and then go from there and and find a wife and raise a godly family.

No they're all playing with. You know playstations and stuff. I mean look at that dog what in a tribe that I worked with for many years in Peru by the time a boy is 14 he can marry because he can already build his house he can already plant a field and he can already fight in battles to defend his tribe from other tribes you see.

But we have a live in a culture in which a high schooler it's entertainment the God of sports all different things that just occur. And there's never this idea of I'm supposed to be a man. I'm supposed to grow into a man.

You go to college which in America is just basically a glorified high school and it's the same thing. Let's party let's do this let's do that. Let's run around with our friend. There's no idea of becoming a man of providing for myself of being able to buy a home of being able to take in a family.

There's no idea of any of that. It's just let's just continue the play. And then even after college many men will again not assume responsibilities. Well finally I'm making money. I can buy more playstations I can have more hobbies I can have more toys.

And then of course they want sex. So they'll enter into a relationship. But oftentimes even after marriage never assume the responsibility of that relationship. There is an old adage that's sometimes very very true that men don't marry wives.

They marry mothers that they want the mothering just to continue. But that's not what the Bible teaches at all. Now he says here well let me just say this and I said this last night but it's very important to iterate it is that parents don't be deceived.

There's this idea now that when your child is 11 or 12 or this or that or however old now that the age keeps getting lower because we do not protect the innocence of our children the age keeps getting lower.

So now you know the kids are 10 they start thinking about the opposite sex and everything. You think that when that little bell goes off in your son's heart that there are girls out there and they really don't have cooties.

You think when that little bell goes off in his heart it's time for him to participate in that. That's not God signed to him that it's time for him to participate. It's God signed to him that it's time for him to take seriously his preparation towards manhood so that one day as a man he can participate the same way with your daughter.

These little ideas of letting your sons and your daughters at 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 date and do all this silly stuff. It's sick. I can say that because I'm not the pastor here and I'm leaving today. But it's sick.

I told someone the biggest mistake you could ever make biggest mistake you could ever make is walk up to one of my two little boys and say well you're a handsome young man. I bet you got a little bunch of little girlfriends because I'm gonna stop you dead in your tracks and I'm gonna tell you off and I'm gonna keep you from my children.

My little boys are supposed to be building forts and fighting dragons and watching Chronicles of Narnia. They're not to enter into the world. That's in your brain. And what happens is young men young women listen to me that little spark goes off.

There's no one to direct you the peers and the people you most learn from our television and the other kids and teenagers around you. And there's not much really influence other than that. And so you go ahead and jump into that.

You know what you spend most of your life talking about girls and boys and chasing things down and walking through malls and doing all that kind of thing. And you never develop into manhood. All those years are supposed to be used developing character of manhood and womanhood.

But they are not. They're wasted. They're wasted on a what some scholars call a culture of the mall. Now am I saying these things because I want to be hard. No I'm saying these things. I wish someone had said them to me because it is true it's extremely true.

It is very very true. And and and what what is the pain is that is that we have allowed back in the early 70s and late 60s we decided it was really that we should listen to a bunch of feminists and homosexuals to teach us how to raise boys.

And and that's not at all what we should have done. We should have gotten back into scripture. We should have gone to the old paths in the old ways and rediscover. Now here's something that you need to understand.

Materialism, Work, and Standing on One's Own

We're also a culture of materialism. Listen. There was a time those men after World War two they worked to put food on a table and they were respected for it. Men were respected because they put food on the table.

Now that's not good enough. You have two SUVs in the garage and most men and most women are working all the time. And it is not to put food on the table. It's to buy all the toys of a status mesmerized culture and to pay for all the hobbies and the children go to seed.

Your primary obligation sir is not to give your child everything you never had because most of the things you never had are the very things that made you into the man. You are the fact that you didn't have hardly anything and you worked and you struggled and it made you into a man.

And it's all the little things you never had that you are giving to your children. That's causing them to be quite useless. We're not to. We're not called to give our children everything we never had.

We're called to give our children ourselves. We're called to give them a mentor a father a leader a teacher a scribe. Those are the things we are called to do. This is very very important extremely important.

This is the man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. He shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. For this reason the man shall leave his father and mother. He shall stand on his own.

So many women want to enter into manhood nowadays. They really shouldn't because one of the burdens of manhood is he shall leave his father and his mother and he shall stand on his own. And then he shall go forth and look for a mate.

Work, Contentment, and the Consequences of the Fall

And then I want us to go over for a moment. I want you to go over to chapter three after the fall. God speaking to Adam in verse 19 he says by the sweat of your face you will eat bread till you return to the ground because from it you were taken for you are dust and to dust you shall return by the sweat of your face you will eat bread.

If men would learn this one truth it would make them much more content. See you live in a culture just like if you ever drive around like new neighborhoods and things and look at the houses that are being built.

When I was a kid only millionaire doctors live in those kind of houses. But now we expect if we work in a factory part time we ought to live in that kind of house. We have come to the idea that we are the culture that deserves absolutely everything we deserve it.

Whether we deserve it or not we still deserve it. And we think that we ought to be able to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. But don't you know that Jesus said the lifestyle of the rich and famous is the very thing that sends them to hell.

No sir you're not. Do not be deceived by thinking that you ought to have a pretty easy life. And you ought to be able to go on a lot of vacations. And you ought to be able to hunt and fish anytime you want.

And you ought to be able to come home from work and you provided the bacon and sit down in a chair and be like a dead log the rest of the night because you deserve it. No sir that's wrong. You are to live by the sweat of your brow.

That is your life as a man you have many obligations to fulfill and there are very little time abreast for you. I'm sorry that's manhood. That's manhood. The fact of the matter is we are to rise up early and we are to work and we are to come home from work and then our work begins.

We have a wife to care for who needs a lot more than just bringing home the bacon and we have children that must be mentored and discipled and when we go to bed we collapse on that bed and we wake up the next morning.

Yes if I had time to preach on the wife's duties we would be sharing about this is the reason why she needs to make her home a home for her husband because she realizes his life is one of toil and sweat but see we're the culture of believing that we ought to have an easy life when the fall occurred the ease of life went away and a man here is the thing most men work and they hate it and they're around their families enough to just do enough to be done in order so that they can finally escape from work and family to go out and do something they really enjoy and so their life is always in this hobby or this thing they want to do or in escaping or resting or golf courses or boats or hunting the only way you're ever going to find contentment is seeing your work and your responsibilities on the face of the earth as ordained by God and as having its reward in heaven and giving yourself to the work that is set before you and finding your joy in pleasing God in your manhood of responsibility.

I say, well, Brother Paul, you just got through saying that you like to hunt and you like to fish. Yes, I do. But I don't get to do it a whole lot. At least not as much as my friends. At least not now in my life, there are different periods in your life when things are different.

Now I have two boys who are still too young to hunt. I don't really want to set up in a tree Saturday morning thinking about the fact that they just got up and are eating pancakes with mom. I would rather be with them eating pancakes as much as I love to kill animals.

You see, there's this idea of where is your heart? True joy is not found in continuing to be a boy with more expensive toys or continuing to guard your time or continuing to seek to be mothered by someone who shouldn't be your mother, but your wife.

Contentment is found in assuming the responsibility God has laid before you and joyously laboring. In the work he has given you to work, to provide for your family, someone says, well, I provide for my family.

Good. You've done about a tenth of what you're supposed to do now. Get to work with the rest of it. So I provide. That's what you're supposed to do. Now let's talk about the other things that you and I are supposed to do.

Marriage as Conformity to the Image of Christ

The most important human being on the face of the earth to a man ought to be his wife, period. And the most important human being on the face of the earth to a wife ought to be her husband. Let me put it this way.

It's a grotesque way. It's a stark illustration. But if I'm in a boat with my wife and my two boys that I would die a thousand deaths for and I'm the only one who can swim and that boat goes under and I've got to save somebody and I can only save one.

Biblically, it is my responsibility to save my wife. You ever hear the thing, well, there's no love like a mother's love. You try to find that in the Bible. You try to find that in the Bible. Bible says there's no love like a father's love.

Enough of these wives tales. Do you know why so many women are so attached to their children? Because since all their emotional needs that should be met by their husband are not being met by their husband, they feed off their children emotionally, they get the emotional.

Nourishment from their children that they should be getting from their husband, and that's why they're so attached to their children. Now you understand why I preach in a lot of places once. Now you understand why no one ever asked me to come preach on Mother's Day.

How do you mothers right now are ready to kill me? The thing about it is, you say, well, you mean you love your wife more than yes. And you know what? When a boy or a little girl looks up and sees, my daddy loves my mama more than anybody on the face of the earth, they go, this house is secure.

My daddy's not going anywhere. This is a rock. And then when they see that their daddy loves their mother more than anyone on the face of the earth, they go, well, that's how you treat a woman. And then my little girl, if I have a little girl one day and she looks up and says, my dad loves my mom as though she was a queen, I'm not going to accept anything less.

You see, sir, you do a disservice to your sons because they're not going to very much rise above you and your love and your cherishing of your spouse. You do especially a disservice to your daughter. Because she'll probably marry a Yehu just like you or even worse, since she hasn't had much affection from you, she'll marry the first guy who comes along who shows any affection.

Let's go for a moment to Ephesians, chapter five. Oh, before we do that, let's go to Romans. A. Twenty eight, for we know that God causes all things to work together for good, for those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose, for those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to become conformed to the image of his son.

What is the what is the great purpose of marriage? It is not that marriage be a little piece of heaven on earth, it is not perfect compatibility. That's why all these dating services that look for compatibility are just so unbiblical and wrong.

Marriage is not about compatibility. It's not a little piece of heaven on earth. What is marriage? What is the purpose of it? Has one purpose to conform you to the image of Christ. That's the purpose of marriage.

Now, how is that? The thing that we most think about when we think about Jesus Christ is his unconditional love. The purpose of marriage, sir, the one purpose, if you're a Christian of your marriage, is God has so orchestrated your marriage with one purpose to teach you unconditional love.

That means he's going to give you a wife who meets the necessary conditions so that you're not tempted beyond what you can bear. But he's going to give you a wife and even orchestrate the weaknesses in her.

He's going to give you a wife that does not meet all the conditions and oftentimes does not meet some of the conditions that are most important to you. He's going to give you a wife like that so that you learn to love unconditionally.

And thus become like Jesus Christ. That's the purpose of marriage. And so why is that important? Well, because most people get divorces or just as bad, they don't divorce, but they die to each other. They live in the same house, even can sleep in the same bed.

But really have nothing to do with one another, even though they might treat each other decently. There's no there's nothing there. And why is that? It always happens because each one did not meet the other's conditions.

Now, they might be right conditions, even they might be selfish conditions, boyish conditions, bratty conditions, all kinds of conditions, and most of them aren't even right. But the fact of the matter is a guy says, man, who have I married?

What have I done? I mean, the rest of my life, he'll either divorce her or he'll say, well, the rest of my life, I just got to live. This is just this is my plight in life. I'm dead. You know, go get a hobby.

And the woman usually doesn't get a hobby, she just takes her children as a replacement. And they're dead to each other. Why? Because she didn't meet his conditions and he didn't meet hers. But God has brought you together and even orchestrated the weaknesses in each of you in order to teach each of you to love unconditionally.

So when you when you marry someone and you think, man, there's purpose in this. Why? Man, I just love her so much. And everything she does, I like. And I mean, this is wonderful and this is great. And then there's purpose in that marriage.

But then when you marry someone, you say, well, there's nothing in common. And man, I've blown it. There's no purpose. It's all. No, that's where the purpose begins. If God gave you a mate and you just fit perfectly and you can love her conditionally because she meets all the conditions, you're both probably lost.

God doesn't do that to his people. God doesn't give them perfect marriages. He just doesn't do that. He brings his people together, OK, I'm going to give you this guy and he's going to rub you wrong in all the areas where you're most sensitive.

And I'm going to give you this lady and she's going to rub you wrong in all the areas where you most want her to rub you right. And why? Because I want both of you to learn to love unconditionally. See, marriage teachers, one of the things they do is they say, OK, both of you come together, find out exactly what each other wants and meet all the conditions.

But now there is a drop of truth in that you should seek to know what your wife wants. But that's not the way you make a marriage strong. You make a marriage strong by realizing the purpose of this thing is for me to love unconditionally.

And when people say marriage, you know, is 100 percent, 100 percent on both sides. That's true. But they don't understand what they're saying. They think that that means I'm to give 100 percent and she's to give 100 percent.

That's not what it means. It means this. Even though she doesn't meet any condition whatsoever, rebels and treats me like dirt every moment of the day, I am to serve her like Jesus Christ. And even though he does not respond to anything and has made my life horrid, I will treat him as though he were the best of husbands.

I will not treat him according to what I think he deserves, but I will treat him and I will treat her according to what my Lord hath commanded me. Now, I think twice before you think about getting that relationship now, aren't you young man?

I was telling them last night, you know, a young guy comes to me, he goes, I want to get married. I always say the first thing I do is I slap him. Make sure that they're awake. So I want to get married.

And I say, why? And they say, well, you know, man, she's just beautiful and I just want to be around her and I can talk to her. And when I'm with her, I feel so good. He goes on and on. And finally, I let him just run.

And then I go, let me let me see if I understand you. You want to marry this woman because she meets all your self-centered, selfish desires. Am I hearing you OK here? He goes, no, that's not what I mean.

That's exactly what you said. You said you want to you want to marry her because she's beautiful. OK, what happens when she's not beautiful anymore? Or someone comes around is more beautiful. Well, you won't be around.

You want to marry her because you can talk. What happens when you can't talk or someone else comes around, you can talk with a lot better. You see, none of those things are the basis for marriage. The basis for marriage is this.

I have been sovereignly called by God to lay down my life for this woman, this daughter of his, and to serve her as Christ has loved the church and given his life up for her. Now, now let's go to Ephesians 5.

Christlike Headship and Sacrificial Love

Wives, verse 22, wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. In the Greek, that means wives be subject to your husbands as to the Lord. You go, well, I'll never. Yeah, I know you won't. That's why your marriage is pitiful.

OK, fine. I mean, you're bad. You make it. You sleep in it. It's not going to affect me when I get in my car and drive home today. But we're not talking about wives subjecting themselves to their husbands today.

We're talking about husbands, aren't we? All the wives say, amen. Let's go to verse 23. For the husband is the head of the wife. As Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body, he is the head of his wife.

What does that mean? You have to look at two different models. One is a model from Rome and the other is the model from Jerusalem. Authority in Rome means iron teeth and steely, naily boots upon which you trample on everyone under you and use everyone under you for your own gain.

But Jesus said that we are not like the Gentiles. We are not like Rome. What type of authority is a man supposed to have in his family? The same authority Jesus Christ has over the church. Can any of you stand up right now and point to one time when Jesus Christ has been cruel or self-centered regarding the church?

Jesus Christ rules. And he does it for his own glory. But at the same time, everything towards us is benevolence and good. He does everything he does for our own good. When a man thinks, I'm head of the home, I need to come home, I need to sit down in my chair, read the newspaper, I've done my work for the day, he doesn't have a clue what headship means.

Or when a man says, man, I just made this decision without talking to my wife. I don't have to talk to my wife. I'm head of the home. He doesn't have a clue what headship means. Let me give you an example.

We're moving to Alabama. My family, all a heart cry. Everybody's moving to Alabama. How did I make that decision? I told my wife, I said, honey, I said, I really feel like God is leading us to go to Alabama.

Will you pray about it? She said, yeah. Now, if I'm in a situation with my wife and I ask her to pray about something and after a week or two, I say, well, what's your conclusion? If she agrees with me, great.

We pray together a little bit more and then we'll probably do it. If she doesn't agree with me, it doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. But it doesn't mean a serious red flag has just gone up because there have been times when my wife has been right.

So it's a red flag goes up and what do I do? I put on the brakes and I pray some more until we come to agreement or and if, though, if the decision has to be made. There's no more stalling and there's still not agreement.

It is my responsibility to assume the responsibility and make the decision. And if I am right and she is wrong, I am not to gloat over her. And if she is right and I am wrong, I am not to hear, I told you so.

I told you so. She is to pity me because as the head of the home, I will come under greater condemnation. It will be me who will be called on the carpet on that day. Not her. We've hardly ever made a decision.

I can't even recall when we've made a decision when we both haven't been in agreement. But at the same time, I assume the responsibility of it. It is my response. My children are my responsibility. My wife homeschools and although she's at home with them for eight hours while I'm gone working eight or ten hours, they are still my responsibility.