InJefftigation: New York Post and Hipsters

Apologia Studios

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I actually had something happen to me recently, a couple of months ago. The New York Post released a video calling me, me, an anti -abortionist hipster.

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A hipster. Like the people that wear beanies and do things before they're cool, right?

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And the only way that title relates to me is that me trying to save babies still isn't cool. In fact, the whole video wasn't even focused on my stance for pro -life.

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It was only focused on me being a hipster. Listen, New York Post, I'm okay with you calling me an anti -abortionist because I'm against abortion, the murder of children, absolutely.

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But why you gotta go and call me a hipster? Why you gotta bring skinny jeans into this?

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It's got nothing to do with the actual argument. I mean, this just sounds like you have a crush on me. And you're just too awkward to say it, so you trolled me.

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And to that, thank you, seriously.

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New York Post had three main accusations about me. Number one, I look like I could be your barista.

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And number two, I look like an everyday millennial. And number three, my church family gives their kids hipster names.

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Problem is, none of these claims are even remotely true. They're as legitimate as saying almond milk is actual milk.

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But almonds have nothing in common with a cow. You ever try cow tipping? That's fun.

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You ever go almond tipping? You can't even tell which side is the bottom. And aside from that, there's no place on an almond to milk.

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Trust me, I looked. Let's do this, guys. Call to order.

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First accusation was that they said that I could be your local barista. But I couldn't be your local barista because unlike Starbucks, I don't try hard enough to mispronounce someone's name.

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If that were the case, I wouldn't have called them the New York Post just now. I would have called them something more impressive, like actual news.

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Or I'd give them a name like Grant. Grant just sounds like a more reliable source, doesn't it?

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Like, hey, I heard this thing about you from the New York Post. Meh, right? No. Or, hey,

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I heard this thing about you from Grant. Really? I don't even know a

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Grant, but I bet he did his research. They also said that I was an everyday millennial.

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And the only problem is I am not a millennial. And I will gladly, gladly listen to my

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Walkman to prove the point. You see, look.

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Proof. Proof. You can tell that I'm not a millennial because my technology just broke, and I didn't call my daddy to buy me a new one.

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And lastly, the New York Post said that my church, my church family, gives all their kids hipster names.

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Now, we can argue all day long as to whether McKenzie is actually a hipster name, but I would say that it's not.

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I once knew a lunch lady named McKenzie, and the only thing hipster about her was that, like most hipsters, there was no meat in the food that she made.

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And this, this is actually the problem with mainstream media. They manufacture articles by the minute without even checking their facts.

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Now listen, media. Why don't we stop being lazy and stop lying? If I want to hear false statements,

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I'll listen to Planned Parenthood and talk about how they mostly do medical care. Why don't you do the same?

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It's a lot more entertaining. Nevertheless, nevertheless, because I was called a hipster,

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I decided to do some research. I wanted to answer two main questions.

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Number one, how does one become a hipster? And number two, am I already a hipster?

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Take a look. I'm on a hunt to find hipsters and ask them questions.

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So I decided to start with the most hipster place that I know of, Starbucks. No, no, hold on, bro.

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From another Moe, I got that for you. Just one hipster helping out another hipster.

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I got it. I got it. Thanks. You're good. After 20 minutes of holding the door,

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I realized these weren't the type of hipsters I was looking for. I knew

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I was going to find a hipster. I need a real hipster to teach me all the ways of hipstering. So I found a family that has their 28 -year -old son still living with them.

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His mom says that he is definitely a hipster. He shows all the telltale signs. All the newest video games.

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Skinny jeans. Probably the skinniest I have ever seen. Look at that. He's been sleeping all day.

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It's 3 PM right now. He hasn't moved a muscle. I've been here for over an hour.

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Look, Bernie Sanders.

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Free college. It's Bernie. Whoa. We got free health care.

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Wake up. We got daycare for free. Free. Free money, kids. Dang it.

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He's a tough one. Pennsylvania goes to Donald Trump. Donald Trump is the president of the

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United States. Hey. Hi. I'm Jeff Durbin. Your moms said

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I could be unsuccessful like you. Want to teach me? What? No. Wait.

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I'll give you $20. OK. You just learned the first lesson about nonconformists like this guy.

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They'll lower their standards for anything. If I offered him a hug, he'd have taken it. Hey, I'm right here.

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Second lesson, get offended about the truth. Wow. Hey. I got you the typical hipster breakfast.

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Panda puffs. Red bull. And I hear you people don't usually take what we call showers.

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So I got you a hipster shower. You spray yourself off with Axe for about 10 minutes. I'll be back.

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That's gluten free, by the way. I noticed that my teacher has a different wardrobe than me.

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Thankfully, we're close to the same size. Yeah.

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That's not my sweater. I don't own a choker. That's a purse. You just walked out of my sister's closet.

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You almost got me good. Good. Good. Hipster humor. We're about to go to the most hipster place this guy knows, a coffee shop.

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And we're going to travel the only way this boyish man knows how, a bicycle. Yeah, I'm just going to take a lift.

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We're standing outside of Cartel Coffee Labs, where many beatniks have been known to frequent. Tommy here is going to get me whatever drink he gets.

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Whatever it is, I'm sure it's strange to the normal eye. I just ordered a caramel latte. What? Seriously?

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You've got to, look, if you're going to teach me the ways of the hipster, you've got to get me the mad hipster drink.

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Whatever it is, give me all you got. Teach me your ways. I mean, there is one drink

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I could. Great. Let's get it. Come on. Come on, Tommy. He just started calling me

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Tommy. Never even asked me my name. Guess it's better than beatnik or hipster.

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What's that? That's your drink. That's three drinks. It's called a one -in -one.

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There should be two drinks, then. You're supposed to drink this espresso and a little bit of this kind of bubbly water.

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OK, weird. To cleanse the palate. Right. And then this macchiato. And then you do it again.

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Obviously, so. You weren't supposed to drink all of it, though.

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Just sip. You're still drinking all of it.

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You're not. That was supposed to take.

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There you go, chief. Whoa. It's bitter.

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Yeah, yeah. You were never supposed to drink it that fast. That's supposed to take time. How long? I've seen it like a half an hour.

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Is this going to hurt me? I have no idea. You drink this? No, I don't.

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I've never had that. I just watch people drink it. Tommy surprised me.

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He was the most hipster guy I'd ever met. And yet he wouldn't even try the drink of his people. Which had me thinking, nobody calls themselves hipsters.

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They only get called a hipster. What if there are no hipsters? What if anybody can be called a hipster?

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Because hipsters don't actually exist. If that's the case, then none of us are hipsters.

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And all of us are hipsters at the same time. Premieres Tuesday, only on Facebook Live.