TLP 434: Your Family Needs to Stop Being Offended

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It is a scientific reality that a sharp knife is going to hurt you when it's stabbed into your body.

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Everyone, unless she's Wonder Woman or he's Superman, is going to be physically hurt by that. But it's not a scientific fact that…

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. It's very possible some people may take offense at the entire premise of today's show.

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And others will no doubt take offense at some of my conclusions. I may even get canceled.

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But like everything else that affects our families, the Bible has something to say on the subject of getting offended.

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So we must take a look at this cultural phenomenon from a biblical perspective. But before we do that, please take a moment to rate and review the show.

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Team TLP and I greatly appreciate it. Also, free episode notes and transcripts are available at TakingBackTheFamily .com.

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Alright, let's get offensive. We're going to start by defining the word offend.

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And then I'm going to cite just one of the 50 billion articles, blog posts, and studies done on the topic of being offended.

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Number one, a definition. Merriam -Webster says that offend can be an intransitive verb or a transitive verb.

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The four definitions for the intransitive verb are these. 1. To transgress the moral or divine law.

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2. To violate a law or rule. Do wrong. 3. To cause difficulty, discomfort, or injury.

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And 4. To cause dislike, anger, or vexation. And the transitive definitions include 1.

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Violate or trespass. 2. To cause pain. 3. To cause to sin or fall, which

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Merriam -Webster notes is an obsolete usage of the word. It's not obsolete, especially if you read the

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Bible, but that's what Merriam -Webster says. And 4. To cause a person or group to feel hurt, angry, or upset by something said or done.

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And it's those definitions and the accompanying ideologies that have caused so much misinformation and catastrophe in our nation, our churches, and our homes.

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We'll unpack this more momentarily, but now we have to consider, number two, an opinion. For this,

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I am going to read an article entitled, Why People Take Offense, from a website called The Conversation.

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Quote, Most of us have felt offended at a remark made by a close friend or a random comment on our social media.

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Even worse, the chances are that we have experienced the shock of hearing that others were offended by our comments, despite the fact that we had no intention of hurting them.

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While no one can deny that certain words and actions can be offensive, the taking of offense is more complicated than that.

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As research findings in linguistics demonstrate, people are not necessarily offended when confronted with rude language, and they get offended for a range of different reasons.

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The words we use are not polite or impolite in and by themselves. Even the most offensive words can be generously used among close friends as in -group solidarity markers without anyone ever taking it to heart.

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It is therefore the context that determines the offensiveness of our words. In the right context, we do, of course, take offense at explicitly rude language directed at us, but regardless of the words used, we also take offense at what was meant or implied rather than what was actually said.

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Unquote. And then they include the ridiculous yet completely believable example of, were you implying that I am not a good cook when you said pass me the salt?

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And then the author continues, quote, But how does the taking of offense happen? What actually motivates this ubiquitous phenomenon?

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The taking of offense, or feeling offended, often involves an experience of negative emotions caused by a word or an action which is in conflict with what we expect and believe to be the right, appropriate, moral, and acceptable behavior.

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Feeling offended or describing something as offensive is deeply rooted in those expectations that govern our daily interactions.

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Unquote. And that is so key. According to The World, I'm allowed to get offended when

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I determine that your action or word is in conflict with what I expect or what I believe to be right.

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In those moments, you've offended me. And what I like about this article is that it contradicts the common belief system of our world as betrayed by Merriam -Webster.

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According to Merriweb, it's possible for me to say or do something that would cause a person or group to feel hurt, angry, or upset.

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Did you catch that? According to this dictionary, the offended feeling arises from the word or action.

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What I said or did caused you to feel offended. According to Merriam -Webster, you're the victim.

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I used hurtful words that hurt you. You couldn't help but be hurt because I used offensive language.

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You couldn't help but be offended. But remember what the conversation said. Quote, As research findings in linguistics demonstrate, people are not necessarily offended when confronted with rude language, or we could say offensive language.

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And they get offended for a range of different reasons. The words we use are not polite or impolite in and by themselves.

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Even the most offensive words can be generously used among close friends as in -group solidarity markers without anyone ever taking it to heart.

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It is therefore the context that determines the offensiveness of our words. End quote. Well, Aaron, that's your opinion.

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But there are a lot of people who disagree with you. True. So let's compare what we've learned so far to the

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Bible. Let's discover God's opinion on the topic. And boy oh boy does he have an opinion. We've looked at a definition and an opinion.

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Now let's look at number three, the truth. Now let me start by saying that there are so many passages of Scripture that we can apply to this discussion.

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I'm going to have to be selective. But I also want to be comprehensive with the scope of the discussion.

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So let me start with two passages, one from the Old Testament and one from the New that will help us understand the definition of the

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Hebrew and Greek words we'll encounter most often when talking about offense from a biblical standpoint.

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Let's start with Proverbs 19 11. In the ESV we read, good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

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If we understood the word offense from a modern perspective, this would be all we need to close the book on this discussion.

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This passage supports two realities. Number one, an offense does not need to result in feeling offended or in being angry.

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And in fact, two, the better choice is to overlook the offense, aka not feel offended.

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But there's more going on here that we need to understand. First, the Hebrew word translated offense in the

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ESV is translated transgression in the NASB, which is actually probably a better rendering as it's more accurate to the original language.

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Vine's complete expository dictionary says of this word that, quote, basically this noun signifies willful deviation from, and therefore rebellion against, the path of godly living.

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Unquote. This understanding most closely aligns with Merriam -Webster's first, second, and fifth definitions to transgress the moral or divine law, to do wrong, and violate or transgress.

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And this makes sense. I offend the law when I break the law. And yes, Merriam -Webster was a little right.

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That usage is a little bit more archaic. Most people don't use it that way. But that's the problem. We get into trouble when we take our modern conceptions and force them into the text.

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This verse is not talking about a subjective feeling of offense. This verse is referring to an objective transgression, an objective offense.

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We'll come back to this word in a couple minutes. First, though, let's look at a New Testament passage. In Matthew 17, 26, we hear

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Jesus say to Peter, however, so that we do not offend them, go to the sea and throw in a hook, and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth, you will find a shekel.

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Take that and give it to them for you and me. The Greek word translated offend is the same word from which we get our

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English word scandalize, which Merriam -Webster defines as to offend the moral sense.

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However, skandalizo actually refers to metaphorically putting a snare or stumbling block in someone's way.

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In fact, the word is most often translated stumble. Here's a well -known example. In Mark 9, 42,

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Jesus says, whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if, with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, he had been cast into the sea.

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The King James reads, and whoever shall offend one of these little ones. Thankfully, Paul helps us better understand the original meaning of this

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Greek word. In 1 Corinthians 8, 7 -13, we read, Some, being accustomed to the idol until now, eat food as if it were sacrificed to an idol, and their conscience being weak is defiled.

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But food will not commend us to God. We are neither the worse if we do not eat, nor the better if we do eat.

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Paul is explaining that even though eating meat offered to an idol is not a sin, a person who believes it to be a sin is actually sinning.

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Aaron, the passage didn't say that. Yeah, I know, but that's coming up. Since everything I do must be done in faith, if I believe it would be a sin against God to wear a black t -shirt, let's just say, then wearing the black t -shirt, believing it's a sin, makes my action a sin.

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But what does my issue with meat offered to idols or black t -shirts have to do with you? Paul continues.

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But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block, an offense, we'll go with stumbling block, it's a better translation, that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.

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For if someone sees you, who have knowledge, dining in an idol's temple, will not his conscience, if he is weak, be strengthened to eat things sacrificed to idols?

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Now, let's say that I respect you as a mature Christ -honoring individual, and one day while I'm downtown,

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I see you wearing a black t -shirt, which of course I believe is a sin against God, I can respond in three ways.

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Number one, I can assume you're sinning and confront you about it, how dare you wear a black t -shirt? And I'm sure many of us have had this happen to us.

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Number two, I can assume that you would never sin against God, therefore wearing a black t -shirt must not be a sin, and by your example alone,

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I am convinced, keep close attention to that word, I am convinced I was wrong about black t -shirts.

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Or number three, I can assume that wearing a black t -shirt must be okay because you're wearing one.

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So later, even though I'm not personally convinced entirely, I choose to wear a black t -shirt doubting the whole time that I'm doing right.

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In that third scenario, I'm actually sinning. Not because wearing the black t -shirt is a sin or eating meat offered to idols is a sin, but because I'm not convinced it's right.

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In Romans 14, 23, Paul is discussing the exact same issue and he writes, But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith.

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And whatever is not from faith is sin. That's why Paul warns us in 1

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Corinthians 8, 11, For through your knowledge he who is weak is ruined. The brother for whose sake

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Christ died, and so by sinning against the brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.

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Therefore, if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble.

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Please understand, this passage has absolutely nothing to do with my brother or sister in Christ feeling offended the way we use the word.

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It has to do with me actually sinning against them by causing them to stumble into sin.

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Here's an absolutely vital takeaway. Assuming that you're using a quality translation or version of the

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English Bible, the vast majority of times you see the word offend or one of its conjugations, you absolutely must not read it to mean a feeling of offense.

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It's like I said earlier, the biblical words translated offense and even the English word itself did not originally refer to a feeling, it had everything to do with an objective trespass or transgression.

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So how on earth did the word offend evolve from an objective action to a subjective feeling? Unfortunately I can't tell you.

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I'm not surprised it happened, but I don't know where and when the word went from simply referring to a violation of a law to a feeling of offense.

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So now the question is whether or not the Bible actually informs us about how we should feel when someone sins against us.

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I mean, if I can't look to the scriptures that talk about being offended or offending and find the answer for whether or not

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I should feel offended when this person says this thing to me, where do I look? Well, guess what? The Bible has a lot to say about it.

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For example, Proverbs 19 .11. It actually uses the word offense, but here it says, good sense makes one slow to anger and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

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The word translated overlook is a very, very broad word in Hebrew. It can be translated so many different things, but basically it refers to crossing over something, going around something, sweeping something away, and the majority of its usages have to do with being unaffected by whatever

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I encounter. Let's say that I encounter a river. That could be a problem, but it's not because I went over it on a bridge.

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Maybe I encounter a sinkhole. That could be a problem, but it's not because I simply go around it and am therefore unaffected by the sinkhole.

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I do not have to be affected by your offensive language or behavior. Does what you did or said offend

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God's law? Yes. Does it offend my personal values? Yes, but it doesn't have to cause any emotional response in me.

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In fact, to allow myself to respond emotionally would be my own choice.

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I explain it to my counselees this way. It is a scientific reality that a sharp knife is going to hurt you when it's stabbed into your body.

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Everyone, unless she's Wonder Woman or he's Superman, is going to be physically hurt by that. But it's not a scientific reality that an unkind word has to hurt you.

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The same unkind word could be said to 10 different people and each of them could respond differently. But their responses would be so incredibly different and their responses would be tied to the individual's personality and their own personal belief system that it would prove the word itself has no power to evoke emotion in and of itself.

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One person may get angry. Another may laugh. One person may feel resentment. Another may feel pity.

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One person may feel depressed. Another may get excited because they are presented with a challenge.

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But the response to the word is not the same as the response to the knife. The knife will cut.

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Words do not cut. Growing up, it was believed by me and all of my contemporaries that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

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However, I remember distinctly sometime in the 90s, I've just got this definite memory of a cultural shift that started telling us that poem was ridiculous.

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Of course words can hurt, the individual would proclaim. But the reality is not that the words hurt.

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Instead, the individual allowed themselves to feel hurt. In fact, the person actually hurt themselves.

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Let's say that someone says something awful and terrible about me. Imagine the worst thing possible they could say.

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Here's the thing. I don't have to feel offended by that. It's not a matter of honor.

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It's not a matter of personal injury. I can actually feel sorry for the person who said it. I can pray for the person who said it.

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I can laugh it off. I can move on with my life and overlook it, being completely unaffected by it.

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Or I can allow myself to experience negative emotions based off of what you said. I can choose to feel unloved, marginalized, unappreciated, and hated.

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I can start feeling depressed, angry, afraid, or even suicidal. I can become all shades of offended.

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But you see, that was my choice. I could have chosen to overlook it and be completely unaffected by your empty words, but I chose to feel all those terrible ways.

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And here's the really dangerous thing. If I did kill myself and I left a suicide note blaming you for my depression and suicidal ideations, then the world would hold you responsible.

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And they would hold you responsible because they believe that words can make a person feel a certain way.

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They reject the idea that a person chooses to respond the way they do. This is a huge weapon in the arsenal of the

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LGBTQ plus whatever society, okay? They say that this person is having suicidal ideations because they're being hated by people who think that homosexuality is a sin.

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Well, no, they're not. They're choosing to respond in that particular way because people think that homosexuality is a sin.

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Of course, just saying that will tick some people off. But honestly, this is why governments all over the world are outlawing hate speech.

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Don't fool yourself. It has nothing to do with the speech actually being hateful. It's because they view the speech as just as dangerous and harmful as walking around stabbing people with a knife.

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Randomly stabbing people with knives is illegal, and if I do it, I will be sent to jail. And the world thinks that saying unkind things must result in personal injury.

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It has to result in offense every single time. Therefore, it's just as dangerous as stabbing someone with a knife.

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But they're wrong. Sinful words offend God's law, but they needn't offend our feelings.

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And the Bible has so much to say about how we respond to emotions. Are you being tempted to fear because of what someone said?

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God talks about how we should respond to fear, and it doesn't include wallowing in it. Sadness?

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Anger? Yep, the Bible is very clear how we're to respond in sadness and anger. We're to glorify

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God. Sinful anger and sadness isn't allowed. Does the Bible have anything to say about how we should respond when people treat us poorly?

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Oh, so much. Romans 12, 17 -20 tells us, Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.

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Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men, regardless of how they treat you.

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Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine,

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I will repay, says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he's thirsty, give him a drink, for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.

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Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome, there's our word again, overcome evil with good.

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Overcome evil with good. My friends, there is no way you could interpret that passage that it's okay to feel offended and act accordingly.

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Yes, technically you were offended, but your feelings don't have to be offended. That's on you.

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So, when it comes to our families, what do we do with this information? Well, here are some family -specific takeaways.

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Number one, from my experience, I can almost guarantee that your family has an unbiblical understanding of what it is to be offended.

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I have found very few individuals in my lifetime who correctly use this terminology in a biblically accurate way.

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Pastors, teachers, moms, dads, children, the grand and vast majority of them believe that when a person says something offensive, it's expected that you will feel offended.

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So unless you have actively been teaching your family what God has to say about how we respond when people sin against us, they definitely agree with the world's definitions.

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And when they do read the Bible, they're reading a worldly, sinful meaning into the biblical text.

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That is so dangerous, because we're not only twisting God's Word, we're using it to actually justify our sin.

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Let's say that I encounter Proverbs 18, 19 -21, which reads, A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city.

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Oh it would be so incredibly easy for me to use that verse to justify my feeling offended.

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I can justify not reconciling with my former friend because they offended me, and the Bible says that it's just as hard to win back that friend as it is to take over a strong city.

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Because you know, that's what happens when you offend somebody. But that's not what the

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Scripture says. This proverb is simply exemplifying the sinful response people often have to being sinned against.

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A wise man will recognize that a person who has been sinned against is being tempted to resentment and rejection, and they will respond accordingly.

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But they don't have to respond with resentment and rejection. Jesus Christ Himself, while being crucified for the sin of the men nailing

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Him to the cross, in love cried out, Father, forgive them. Jesus wasn't offended by the men who killed

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Him. Yes, they sinned against Him. Technically, they offended His law.

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But He wasn't feeling anger or rejection or depression or hatred. He felt love and pity for them.

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Jesus Christ was not offended. Now, after hearing all that, some of you may say, well

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Aaron, by God's grace, I agree with you. My family and I do understand and try to live by God's understanding of offense.

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Good. But that doesn't change number two, Satan and the world are desperately trying to convince you and your family that it's not only okay to be offended, but that you can't help it.

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You see, we're all sinners. I know, big surprise. And that means that our sinful flesh is always looking for an excuse to sin.

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While I was working at Victory Academy for Boys, I found it interesting that very rebellious teens could move into my home and act very differently than they did when they were living in their own home.

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One of the reasons for that was that the Victory staff and I tried very hard to make it easy for the guys to do right and hard to do wrong.

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Now, please do not get me wrong. There was a lot of disobedience and they not only found ways to do wrong, oftentimes we sinful staff members made it easy for them to do wrong.

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But my point is that a sinful heart, when surrounded by righteousness and accountability and supervision, is easier to overcome.

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But when that same sinful heart is daily surrounded by the lies of Satan and the world, and when that sinful heart is presented repeated invitations to sin, barring an act of the

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Holy Spirit himself, the chances of sinning are far more increased. That means that we need to lead our families with the understanding that they are right now under attack by Satan, the world, and the flesh.

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If we're not diligently teaching our kids how to think biblically, we're increasing the chances of the world teaching them to think satanically.

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And there are a lot of born -again believers who have bought the world's lies concerning what it is to be offended. By the way, if you'd like to learn more about how

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Satan, the world, and the flesh are daily attacking your family, please check out our Spiritual Warfare in Your Home series.

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1. I can almost guarantee that your family has an unbiblical understanding of what it is to be offended.

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And even if they don't, 2. Satan and the world are desperately trying to either convince you and your family that it's not only okay to be offended, but that you can't help it, and 3.

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However, you and your family absolutely must submit to God on this point.

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That includes how we are to feel and act when someone sins against us. My friends, there is no biblical justification for feeling offended.

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It's our own choice to respond incorrectly to the situation or individual that goes against what we believe.

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This is why some people get offended when other people do something nice they weren't even sinned against but they chose to believe the action or word was offensive.

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God forbid that we and our kids respond that way. We are to be the light of the world.

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The light of God is not looking to be offended. We are to be the salt of the world, not the bitter dregs of the world.

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We're commanded to respond in love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, pity, purity, and joy.

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How can I read James 1 -2 and allow myself to be offended by people? Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.

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Offended people are not joyful people. Well, honestly, we could just go on and on and on with this because so much of the

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Bible applies to this discussion, but I need to wrap this up. So what are our takeaways? Well, first, the modern definition of what it is to be offended is partially right and partially wrong.

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When you sin against me, you did, in fact, offend me, technically speaking, but that doesn't mean you caused me to feel something.

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You simply sinned against me. That's what the word means. However, we must reject this unbiblical view of offense that it means to feel something, to respond negatively because of something that you said or did.

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Second, we must know God and strive to respond to life's difficulties and the people causing them in Christ -conforming ways.

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And third, we must teach our children to do the same. Now, in the description of today's episode, you're going to find a bunch of helpful content.

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I've linked our episodes about a biblical theology of emotions. I've also included the Parenting Angry Children series as well as the

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Spiritual Warfare in Your Home series. I hope this is a conversation we can keep going. God's people need a serious dose of biblical reality to snap them out of the constant delusion of perpetual offense, and I hope your family is one of the first.

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Now, could your friends and family also benefit from this topic? If they could, please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets and don't forget to rate and review the show.

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Of course, if you'd like specialized help for your family's struggles, please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com

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or give us a call at 828 -423 -0894.

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And I hope you'll join us next time as we open God's Word to discover how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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To that end, we'll be discussing the reasons you need to stop focusing on impossible obedience.

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Truth. Love. Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.