Young Married Couples Meeting — Zac Poonen

Christian Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church

Let's turn to Ephesians chapter 5 and see the tremendous honor and privilege it is to have a Christian marriage because there is a special ministry that a husband and wife have to fulfill which most Christians don't think of.

It says in Ephesians 5 verse 30, we are members of his body for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Now that is a verse from Genesis chapter 2 when God made Adam and Eve, that verse is quoted there, but here he says I am not speaking about husband and wife, verse 32, I am speaking about Christ and the church, who is the one who left father to become one with his wife?

Jesus. That's what he says here, this is a great mystery, but Jesus left his father and came here to choose us to be his wife. You got to understand this, the greatness of this, it's like the son of a king who is a prince leaving the palace and going into a slum and choosing a woman from that slum to be his wife.

This is exactly how it is and what does that poor woman in the slum think? This prince is coming, it's almost unbelievable, the wonder of it, can you imagine how grateful she should be to that prince for the rest of her life?

But I wonder if Christians see it like that. And then it says, this is what the relationship between husband and wife is, Christ and the church. If you keep that in mind, then go back and read what it says about wives and husbands.

Wives be subject to your husbands, verse 22, as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, and husbands love your wives, verse 25, as Christ loved the church. We got to keep in mind, right from the time you're married, I and my wife, in our relationship with each other, have to demonstrate to the devil and all the demons who are watching us, what a wonderful thing it is that Christ is united to the church.

How Christ loved an ugly, ignorant, poor, beggar woman as a husband, I have to manifest that type of love, that's my calling as a Christian. And how the church subjects itself to Christ in unity, like the body to the head, the wife submitting to the husband.

This is the picture we must always have in our mind. I have to demonstrate in my life the attitude of Christ and the church. The wife has to demonstrate in her life that church is submission to Christ, and the demons are to see that.

Marriage as a Demonstration of God's Wisdom to the Heavenly Realm

So often we only think of ourselves. We don't think that every moment in our home, demons and angels are all watching us. One of the great things mentioned in Ephesians chapter 3 is, Ephesians 3 verse 10, God's purpose is that the manifold wisdom of God can now be made known through the church to the evil rulers and authorities in the heavenly places, that is, to the demons and all the angelic authorities, that God is showing His wisdom, not by preaching it to them, but saying, look at these people in my church, down on earth, you demons, do you see my wisdom there?

And one aspect of that is in our family life. So it's not just a question of, do other people in the church think I've got a good family life? What does it matter? They're not seeing us all the time. The people in the church see us less than 10 of our life, maybe 1%.

The other times, it's these evil spirits that are seeing us all the time, seeing, what is this wisdom God is speaking about in this married couple here? Keep that in mind all the time, because if you keep that in mind, you'll be able to do what the scripture says, to live in peace with one another and to live in love with one another.

Bearing With Differences in Marriage

Remember that you can't come into a good marriage overnight. It takes time because of many reasons. You are two different people who are trying to come together as one. And you have come from different backgrounds.

Your temperaments are different. Your values are, though you're both Christians, there are many areas where your values may be different, your way of upbringing is different. And you have spent so many years in another home, another way of life, and then you come together, even though your husband, your wife is a believer, yet you must remember they've grown up with a different sense of values and different things.

Not talking about sin. I'm talking about practical things like, for example, keeping a house tidy. Supposing you're married either way, husband or wife, to a person who grew up in a home where they don't believe in keeping everything neat and tidy.

And you grew up in a home where everything is neat and tidy and you were taught from childhood to put your shoes and chapels away and to hang up your clothes and do your bed and everything. And your partner grew up in a home where they say, it doesn't matter, throw it wherever you like and nobody's bothered and it doesn't matter if you don't do your bed, everything can be, you know, untidy.

And they say, well, cleanliness and tidiness is not the main thing, the main thing is to be free from sin. I agree. But after we are free from sin, the next thing is to be tidy. But not everybody understands that because different people have different understanding of what it means to be tidy and we have to just allow for time for people to change.

So when two people like this come together, you can be irritated by certain things that your wife or your husband does which is not the way you were brought up. And then you don't say it because you know you're not supposed to yell and all that and you keep it inside but there's a limit to how much you can keep it inside and finally you explode like a pressure cooker, the safety valve is gone and everything is flying up.

Because you've kept it inside so long, you're trying to change the other person to become like you. So the first thing I want to say to you if you want to have a happy married life is where there is sin, by all means talk about it, we must give up this sinful habit.

But if it is not sin, don't change, don't try to change the other person, you'll perpetually, either you'll have fights or you'll always be so inwardly unhappy that one day you'll say something. But if you accept from day one, anything which is not sinful, I'm willing to let my husband or wife be different from me.

It's not a sin if you don't do your bed neatly when you get up in the morning, you can do it well and good but it's not a sin if you don't do it. In the same way, different people have different ideas of cleanliness and hygiene.

So some people say, well, I don't have that standard of hygiene and the other person says, no, we must be very careful. We are different but we must bear with one another because we are different. It's very, very important.

Patience With Small Irritations and Human Imperfection

Little things can irritate you. I take an example sometimes, supposing you're a person, you know, you both share the same toothpaste tube in the bathroom and you're the neat type of person who rolls up the toothpaste tube from the bottom slowly and looks very neat and your partner is one who just squeezes it anywhere and gets the toothpaste out and you come next morning and say, it's all messed up like this and again you roll it up the way it should be and next day again it's all squeezed here and there.

It's a little thing but it can irritate you. You keep quiet about it because you say, we heard in CFC, we have to deny ourselves. How long will you do it? One day you'll explode. You know what you need to do?

Say this is not sin. God doesn't care how you roll up the toothpaste tube or you squeeze it here and there. That's just one example. It may not be that in your life. It may be some other area in your life which is not sin but where your partner is different from you.

You have to learn to bear with one another otherwise you'll never have a happy married life. Marriage is two imperfect people coming together, brought up in different backgrounds, different values, different temperaments, now trying to be one, living in the same house, sharing things together.

The only thing serious is sin. It's a favorite expression of mine. The only thing serious is sin. Remember this. Don't get upset with your husband if he comes one day late from work. There may be a real reason for it.

It's not a sin. Or maybe he forgot to call you and tell you that he's coming late. That's also not a sin. It's just a bad memory. There are many things we don't think about doing. Because you may have been exhausted at home with your work and if you have small children and then you can get so upset that he came late and didn't help you.

That's where you have to say, Lord is this a sin? There may be a real reason why he's late. In the same way, your wife also, maybe there was an urgent phone call that came to your house and somebody told your wife to tell you urgently something and you came home and she forgot to tell you.

And the next day you discover from the other person, hey, didn't your wife tell you this? I told her urgently to tell you. Do you know that forgetting to say something is not a sin? She did not deliberately hide it from you.

We all forget. Don't get upset. I'm not saying we shouldn't correct it, say please be careful next time, write it down somewhere so that you don't forget to tell me. But little things like this, if we get upset and upset and don't realize I'm married to an imperfect person, you're married to an imperfect wife, you're married to an imperfect husband, but because you both come to CFC, you've heard about pressing on to perfection.

But you don't reach there overnight. It's something you have to climb, it's a mountain to climb. So that's very important to remember different personalities, different backgrounds, make allowance for it and don't think that things will change overnight.

And with some people, it may take longer than others, that's also another thing. Some people tend to change quickly, some people tend to change, take a longer time. Make allowance for that. We tend to think that many times when we find fault with our partner, we think we are the perfect, we've never made a mistake, we're doing it perfectly, only he's making a mistake.

That's a very arrogant way of looking at it. There's nobody perfect. We are all imperfect. The partner's imperfection may be in one area and yours in another area. Like I've often said, when young couples come to meet me, I draw on a paper a picture of an egg and then I say I'm going to break this egg with my hand, not cut it with a knife.

When I break that egg shell with my hand, it's all uneven. It's got pokey edges on both sides. And I said this is what you are, husband and wife. You've got a lot of things that can hurt the other person, these pokey edges, and he's got a lot of things that can hurt you.

But look at all these projections, there's a strength in you. And if you put those two pieces of the egg shell together, they are perfectly one again. I said that's how God brings a husband and wife who are different from each other and when they come together, they fit perfectly.

That means one person's strengths covers the other person's weakness and the other person's strengths cover your weakness. It's wonderful if you realize this. Now, you can say this is all wonderful theory, Brother Zak, but it doesn't work in my home.

Well, it will work if you understand I'm trying to lay a foundation. I'm trying to lay a foundation in your mind so that from there you can work on improving your marriage. God wants you to grow to have a perfect marriage and that may take 30, 40 years.

Don't give up. It's like climbing a mountain. If you work at it, every year you'll be higher than the previous year. You'll love each other more. You'll be able to bear with each other more than the previous year and your marriage will be such a blessing to each other and also to other people who visit your home.

You don't have to give anybody the impression that you have a perfect marriage. No. I don't think there's a single marriage in the world that's perfect because it can be perfect only if both husband and wife have become like Jesus Christ.

There's nobody on earth who has become like Jesus Christ. My life is not perfect. My ministry is not perfect. My marriage is not perfect. The way I brought up my children is not perfect. I will be perfect one day when Christ comes back.

I'll be like him completely and I must be humble enough to acknowledge that till that day, I am an imperfect person. In the church, I deal with imperfect elders. In a home, I work with an imperfect wife who has to work with an imperfect husband.

We recognize this all the time. It'll be easier. Don't ever get into your mind that you are more perfect than your partner. You may think you are because you see certain areas where you're better than him or her.

But the other person can also see areas where he is better than you. But you don't see it. This is the great problem. So always remember that your partner's imperfection proves that you've also got imperfections.

Recognizing Blind Spots and Bearing With One Another

I also want to tell you that we're not able to see our own faults clearly. It's like there's a mark on my face, a black mark. I can't see it. It's there. There's a black mark on my back. I can't see it.

In many parts of my body, I can't see. But it is there. Something ugly. Something black. But another person can see it. It's like that with our weaknesses. You may think, yeah, I look okay. Maybe you do.

But somebody else can see you. Something there on your face. Remember that also in marriage. There are things in you which are a source of irritation to your partner. Maybe he or she is keeping quiet.

So that's good of them. But there's still an irritation to them. That recognition will help you to bear with that person's irritation in your life. I remember many years ago I was thinking like this in dealing with a certain brother.

That he seemed to have a particular weakness. And it bothered me. Because when I tried to deal with him, I found there was this problem always coming up. This particular weakness. And the Lord said to me that you have a weakness too.

Which you don't see. You see his weakness. For example, I'll tell you. One of the things that I saw in the church early days was how people were so lazy in coming on time for the meeting. I mentioned this before also.

I would try to be on the meeting on time. But the Lord said that's because you were in the military. You always knew how to come on time. These people have not been there. And also, if you have the spirit of a servant, you say you got to be on time, but the others can come when they like.

And also some people may have small children, who just when they're about to start for the church meeting, maybe one of the children want to go to the toilet. What do you do? You'll be late. There could be delays on the road.

There can be many reasons why a person is late for a meeting. So I've learned not to judge them. In the same way, if somebody makes an appointment with you, and doesn't come on time, it's very easy to get irritated.

I told him so and so time, he's not here. There could be many reasons why he couldn't come. So I would say we need to recognize that also in our marriage relationships. That when I see a weakness in another person, what the Lord told me then was, okay, maybe his weakness is he's not punctual.

Your weakness may be in some other area. So if you have to bear with him in one area, he's got to bear with you in another area. Once you recognize that, your fellowship becomes wonderful. So if you can recognize that in marriage, you see a particular weakness in your wife or your husband, and you say, I've got to bear with that.

He's always like that, doesn't seem to change. Or she's always like that, she doesn't seem to change. That should be a constant reminder to you, that you've also got a weakness, which the other person is bearing with all the time, but never said anything.

Very graciously, she never said anything, or he never said anything, but he's bearing with it. So if you both learn to accept that, gradually, you'll become more and more one with each other. And don't think this bearing with one another is a very painful thing.

Love That Bears All Things and Produces Christlikeness

Once you grow up to the place where you love one another, really love one another, the Bible says love bears all things, 1 Corinthians 13. It can bear anything, because you come to that place of love.

Think of a mother, the greatest example of love the Bible speaks about is a mother's love for her newborn baby. Think of the problems a mother has with a newborn baby. Morning till night, it wakes up in the middle of the night so many times, and messes up the diapers, and messes up the floor sometimes, and cries and gets sick.

But the mother just bears with it. I mean, it's a terrible thing if the mother gets fed up with this child and says, why in the world did I have this child? No, a good mother never says that, she just bears with it, bears with it, bears with it.

So it's possible to bear. Why does that mother bear with that child and never say even once, why in the world are you like this? Why do you always trouble me? Can't you be a little better? Can't you sleep a little more at night instead of waking me up so often?

Why does a mother not say that to her child? Because she loves that child. But why does she say that to her husband? Because she doesn't love her husband. I tell you that's the reason. You may think you love your husband or you love your wife, but you actually don't.

You love your child, particularly when it's a baby. So, when you love someone exactly like it says in 1 Corinthians 13, you can bear everything. A person being completely different, What is the reward God gives you for bearing with your partner like this?

The reward is more Christ-like. There is a reward in everything that you do. When you obey scripture, I'll tell you something. When I do something to please the Lord, and in order to please the Lord I have to deny myself or die to myself, do you think God will leave me without a reward?

No. He says if we die with Him, we will live with Him. So there is a reward God gives us in the sense that we become more Christ-like. You will become more Christ-like. And if your partner also goes that way, gradually you will become more and more Christ-like in your relationship with each other.

And then it will be a glorious home. And who will be blessed through that? First of all, your children. What is the greatest inheritance you can give your children? It's not money. I'll tell you that.

Children who get a lot of money ruin themselves. Look at all these children of rich people. They really ruin themselves with plenty of money. The greatest inheritance you can give to your children is the atmosphere of a godly home.

That they have grown up in. They can grow up in that atmosphere. That is an inheritance you are giving them. That they go away one day from your home and they get married. And they say, hey, I'd like to build a home now exactly like the one I grew up in.

That's an inheritance you have given them. It will do a lot more good to them than money or even education. That they can have. So that's why when we have built a good home ourselves, we can reproduce it in our children.

Our children observe a lot of things from a very young age. And there are impressions in their mind that they will overlook all our mistakes if behind it all they see a godliness and a love in the parents.

I made a lot of mistakes as a father. I don't think I brought up my children perfectly. I can think of many mistakes. I should have spent more time with them. I should have taken them out now and then alone.

Maybe prayed more with them. I did what I could. But I don't think anybody is perfect. But I did one thing. I prayed for them. I prayed that God would lead them to be godly. But there are many things.

Any honest father or mother will say, as they look back over their life, that, oh, I could have done it so much better. I think even in my marriage, if I had known the things I know today, when I got married, if I had started like that, then it would have been so much better.

But, I mean, we were in a church. We never had any marriage seminars. There was no question of teaching married people how to live. I think most Christians in India are like that. But it's good that we can talk about these things here.

Prayer, Perseverance, and God's Provision in Marriage

So please remember, this bearing with one another is a very, very important area in marriage. And when it becomes too much, remember what we said earlier this morning, God will never allow you to be tested beyond your ability.

That's a great verse, 1 Corinthians 10, 13, to remember. If you bring God into your home, there's too much weakness in my children, and so many things. Problems in school. Never, never does God allow us to face a trial which is too much for us.

He will always provide a way, a solution to everything. God has a solution to every problem. It's one of the things I've learned through my life. God has a solution to every problem. Some of you, grown-up children, you may be finding it difficult with your children.

I want to tell you, God has got a solution to every problem. Don't give up. And if you go to God in prayer, He will answer it. You know, there are things we pray for our children. There are things now I'm...

We don't stop praying. Once your children get married, you start praying for your grandchildren. But think if you have a particular problem in your married life or with your children, and you're praying about it.

Supposing you go to God and say, Lord, you said that if I ask in your name, you will grant it. And I'm going to keep on asking, like the widow who went to the judge and kept on asking. Asking, asking, asking.

And the man should pray like that. You say, Lord, I'm going to be praying like that. Not to make life more comfortable for me. You know, it's very easy for you to pray, Lord, change my partner so life will be easier for me.

No, your goal in life is not to make life easier for you. We just heard in the morning of how Paul had so much difficulties in his life. So an easier lifestyle and a way of life is not necessarily the best for us.

But Lord, my home is not glorifying you. The way I and my partner are living is not glorifying you, Lord. That's what I want. That's how we should pray. Lord, the way my children are growing up is not glorifying you.

Forget about what people say. What people think about your children is absolutely unimportant. Worth zero. Say, Lord, they're not glorifying you. That's why I'm praying. Lord, our marriage is not whether other people in the church know anything about it.

Unimportant. The demons are watching us all the time, Lord. I'm not glorifying you before Satan and the demons are watching our life at home. I wanted to glorify you. Keep this in mind. Keep that which the Bible says.

Leaving Father and Mother to Cleave to One's Spouse

Then one or two practical things. You know, the first commandment in the Bible, the very first commandment of any type in the Bible, not what God told Adam, don't eat of the tree of knowledge. That was not for all humanity.

That was only for Adam. But the first commandment for all humanity in the Bible is in Genesis 2. It's a command that God gave before sin came into the world. Once you come to Genesis 3, sin has come. After that, the rest of the Bible is all commands given after sin came into the earth.

But which is the only command given by God before sin came into the world? In Genesis chapter 2. There's only one command God gave for humanity before sin came into the world. And that's in Genesis chapter 2, verse 24.

A man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife. They shall become one flesh. Now remember, Adam did not have a father or mother. So why is that verse coming there? It says in the previous verse that Adam got his wife and they became man and woman.

But what has it got to do with father and mother when Adam doesn't have a father and mother? He doesn't have to leave anybody. It is written for the rest of humanity, the rest of us. And if you recognize that God considered this such an important commandment that he gave it before sin came into the world, then it must be really important.

And if you were to ask me which is the commandment which particularly in India, Christians disobey married couples, it is this commandment. Most married couples are more attached to their own parents than they are to each other.

Here it says you got to leave and then cleave. If the leaving is imperfect, the cleaving will also be imperfect. So the first question you need to ask yourself, you wonder why you and your partner are not cleaving more to each other.

Ask yourself, have you done the leaving properly? If the leaving father and mother is not proper, the cleaving will also not be proper. This is really true in many, many, many Christian homes. What does it mean to leave your father and mother?

Honoring Parents Without Allowing Them to Control the Marriage

When my wife and I got married, as I said we were so poor we could not even afford house rent. I had given up my job. I had given up all my savings to God's work. And I used to work among villagers and students.

I used to get very, very little. And whatever my wife had a compulsory one year to work in the CMC hospital in Vellore. And you know how much doctors were paid those days? 290 rupees a month. And we sent it all to her father because he had many other children to educate.

So our income was very little. We couldn't afford rent. So we lived in one little room in my parents' home. Did I leave my father and mother? I did because I was not emotionally attached to them even though we were living in the same building.

The point is not physically leaving. Some of you leave your father and mother physically and live in another house. But your attachment to your father and mother is still there. So the leaving is not physical primarily.

I learned that in my life. But my wife and I would make our decisions. This is right at the beginning of our married life. You can't prevent parents from coming and giving you advice. And you must listen to them.

Some of that advice can be very good because they got a lot of experience on this earth. So listen to your parents, sure. But be wise. Supposing your dad or your father-in-law tells you something after you're married as to how you should live or where you should go or what you should do and you don't agree with it.

Let me give you some advice. Don't get into an argument. My dad used to give so much advice to my wife. She listened. Her father would give me so much advice. He was a very strong man but he didn't realize I was also a strong man.

So he would tell me so many things and I would listen, listen, listen. Never argue with him. We'd go home and I'd never do anything that he said. So next time we met again he would tell me so many things.

I would listen, listen, listen. Never argue. Once we went away we never listened to him. We did what we wanted. Finally he gave up. So isn't that a better way than arguing and saying no I don't agree with you and don't try to run my life.

Why all this? Just keep quiet and don't do what they say. Take what is good. My point is you and your wife must decide together. My wife and I decided what we were going to do. My dad had certain other plans, good plans for her and for me.

I said no. But that was decided between me and my wife and I didn't get into an argument with my father or her father. That's what I mean by leaving. And you can do that even if you are so poor that you have to live in the same house.

But most of you don't have to do that. Don't let your parents by remote control run your home. The earlier they recognize that you have left that doesn't mean that you don't care for them. The great example in married life is also Jesus.

Jesus was never married. But I'll tell you how he is an example. One day when he was 30 years old he got baptized and he left his home in Nazareth moved to another town called Capernaum and rented a house there.

That's where he lived for the next three and a half years. And the very first instance you read at the marriage in Cana his mother says son they don't have any wine and he says woman what have I got to do with you?

She must have got the shock of her life. Because for 30 years he would have only said yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy I'll do that immediately mummy yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy, yes mummy and all of a sudden he turns around and says what have I got to do with you?

He had left his home. He was now married to his father in the ministry. That is a picture of how we leave our home as men and get married to our wives. And we have to say you don't have to call your mother woman but he was the son of God, he could do that.

Say mummy, we'd like to run our own life. I really appreciate you. I say whenever you speak to your parents and you have to disagree with them always start by saying true things that you are really grateful for.

Not flattery but things that you really appreciate your parents for for all that they sacrificed and did for you from the time you were a baby helpless baby they took care of you educated you brought you to the place where you have a job so many things you have to be thankful for when you were sick they looked after you everything that you can think of and say that you really love them and appreciate them but you would like to do things a little differently now that you are married if you say it like that it will be much better than the rude way some people say don't try to interfere in my life we must never be rude to our parents we must honor our parents till the end of their lives so that's very very important and that also you see in the case of Jesus that though he told his mother don't interfere in my life when he was hanging on the cross he took care of her so it's right to take care of our parents when they are weak and sick and old as much as you are able to among all the children now Jesus had four brothers and two sisters but because he was the oldest he took that responsibility saying I got to care for my mother.

So that's the balance that you don't let them interfere in your life but you care for them and provide for them. And if they are in financial need you must help them. And that's where there can also be tensions between husband and wife.

Building Fellowship Through Wise Communication

Why are you sending money to your parents. There are real cases like that. I mean there are questions sometimes I have asked brother Zach can I my wife does not allow me to send any money to my parents and they are in need.

They spend so much money on me educating me. That's why they don't have enough money now I said ok the bible says don't let your left hand know what the right hand is doing. So don't let the left hand know what the right hand did in sending some money to your parents and help them.

And you don't have to tell your wife about it. It irritates her and upsets her. You know there are different theories on this. Some people say you must be 100 honest with your wife about everything that is the ideal.

And if you are both a perfect husband and wife that is the best without a doubt. But if you are dealing with an imperfect partner then you have to choose something which may not be ideal for the sake of better fellowship.

That because you are not cheating on her by sending money to your parents you are doing something legitimate and good. But she may not appreciate it enough. And then there is no need to tell her. Of course if she asks you, you have to speak the truth.

You don't tell a lie. But what I mean is if you think that something you say will upset her don't unnecessarily say it and put a weight on her head that she can't get rid of. I believe we must walk in the light but the bible says that we walk in the light in order to have fellowship.

If we walk in the light it says we have fellowship. So the whole purpose of walking in the light even between ourselves is to have fellowship. If the fellowship is broken then your so called walking in the light is not helping fellowship.

It is breaking the fellowship. So you got to think about is this which I am going to say to my wife or husband going to build fellowship or break it. Our aim must always be to build fellowship. So we must be wise in the things that we say to one another.

Now don't misquote me and go around saying it's ok to be dishonest with my wife. No that's not what I meant. That's not what I said. All I say is seek for that which will build fellowship. Remember that your wife is a weaker vessel something like don't make her carry the heavier suitcase.