Unity Between Husband and Wife — Zac Poonen

Welcome once again to Words of Life. We've been considering in the last few sessions about the importance of the Christian home. The testimony of the home was not a very important thing in the Old Testament.

Old Testament Examples and the Higher New Covenant Standard

Beginning with Abraham, we don't see that the home is emphasized so much. He had a wife, he had a child through his servant woman. Now if someone did that today, he wouldn't even be fit to be an elder of a local church.

But in that time, when Abraham did it, God still called him the father of faith. David is called a man after God's own heart, but he had so many wives. If he was like that, he wouldn't even be allowed to break bread as an ordinary believer in a church today.

So we see that the standard in the New Covenant is so much higher than in the Old Covenant. That's not surprising. That's like saying that in college you have more difficult examinations than you have in the kindergarten class in school.

It's exactly like that. And to whom God has given more, he expects more. Abraham didn't have a Bible, so God didn't expect much from him. And David did not have the Holy Spirit dwelling within him, so God didn't expect so much from him.

He only had the Holy Spirit upon him for service. And in the New Covenant, the Holy Spirit comes within to change our character. So the standard is much higher. So divorce is just not permitted in the New Covenant.

Except for fornication. In Luke 10, we read about Jesus sending out his disciples to preach. And he says, when you go to a new village or town, don't go and stay in any house. But you must be careful about the type of house you live in.

He says, first of all, say, peace be to this house. Luke 10, verse 5. And if a man of peace is there, your peace will rest upon him. But if there is no man of peace there, that is a house full of strife and quarrel, then you should not stay there.

But if you find a house where there is peace, he said, stay in that house, verse 7, and don't go from house to house. Why did he say that? Because Jesus knew that even if you find one house where there is peace in a village, that is a miracle.

There are not many houses where there is peace. So the Lord said, if you find one house like that in a town, consider yourself lucky and stay there, don't move around. The Lord wanted his disciples to stay in a house where there is peace.

And not in a house where people are quarrelling with each other. Now if the Lord did not even want his disciples to stay in a house where there is quarrel, where do you think he himself will stay in such a house?

You can have a board on your wall saying Christ is the head of this house. But if there is no peace in the house, he is not there. It is very easy to have peace. Between husband and wife, at least one of them must be willing to die to themselves.

Conflict always requires two people. It is like clapping hands requires two hands. You can't clap with just one hand. No matter how much you move one hand, there will be no noise. So conflict is like that.

When husband and wife want to have a conflict, if either one of them says no, I will die to myself. Let the other person be as agitated as he or she wants to be. There is no conflict. There is peace. If both are willing to die to themselves, then there will be something better than peace.

That is fellowship. Fellowship is better than peace. Peace is second best. Even under the old covenant, the Lord said, look for a home where there is peace. Luke chapter 10 is an old covenant period. New covenant begins from Acts chapter 2.

But even under the old covenant, God expected a home to have peace. What do you think about so-called new covenant homes where there is no peace? They are worse than these old covenant homes. They are definitely not under grace.

They are probably not even under law. Many of them are under no covenant. These people are at least under the old covenant who had peace in their home. But better than that is fellowship. And that should be our goal in the new covenant.

Fellowship between husband and wife. And peace in the home. Because that is the best atmosphere we can provide for our children to grow up. The most important thing our children need at home is not just food and clothing.

You can provide the best food to your children. Buy plenty of new clothes for them. Give them very good education. But if there is no peace in the home, you have deprived them of the most important thing required for their growth.

You know what your children require for spiritual growth? Not food or clothing or even Bible study. But peace in the home. So God is interested in building such homes where there is peace. It was God who brought Eve to Adam.

Putting God First in Marriage

How can we have peace in the home? There is only one way. That is we put God first. The Bible begins with the words, In the beginning God. And that must be true in our home as well. That right in the beginning God has his place in the home.

He should have his place. As head in your home. And between both of you as husband and wife. If you relate to your wife directly without Jesus in the middle, you are not going to have a strong relationship.

The glue that holds husband and wife together is Jesus himself. If Jesus is between you, he will really hold both of you together. That is why Jesus said you have to hate your wife and love me. In Luke 14 .26 What does that mean?

The Bible says we must love our wives. What Jesus meant was you must hate this human love you have for your wife. This human type of love that you see in the cinemas and read in love story books. That must be killed.

And replaced with a divine love. Which does not seek your own. But always seeks the good of the other person. And which loves Jesus more than your partner. That is why God did not create Adam and Eve together.

Eve created Adam first. There was no Eve. And when Adam opened his eyes, when God breathed into him. The first person he saw was God. He did not know that anything else existed in the universe. Definitely no wife for him.

But he had God. And the first thing he had to learn was that I must learn to be satisfied with God alone. That is the first thing I need to learn. Then God in his love gave Adam a wife also. And that also we see in the same way.

God put Adam to sleep. Took out a rib. Formed a woman. And when her eyes were opened. She saw God first. She did not even know about the existence of a person called Adam. She thought she was the only human being.

And she loved God. And as she loved God, God brought her to Adam. And woke him up. Then they saw each other. Both of them first saw God. And then saw each other. And that is the way God wanted all marriages to be.

That in every marriage you see the Lord first. Not your partner. When you see the Lord first. You have a love which is divine. Because you love God with all your heart. In the cinemas and all they tell each other I can't live without you.

The man tells the woman. That's wrong. I can tell my wife I can live without you but I can't live without Jesus Christ. And she should be able to say the same to me. I can live without you but I can't live without Jesus Christ.

Then our love for one another is deep and strong. But if we just look at each other and say I can't live without you. Then we have got it all wrong. That's the type of relationship that leads to fights and quarrels and no peace in the home.

Because they say to each other in the beginning we can't live without each other. You must learn to love God like that. And we must not give God, human beings the place that God should have in our life.

In many marriages, even Christian marriages. There is a lot of idolatry. They love each other more than they love Jesus. Or they love their jobs more than they love Jesus. Or they love their house or property more than they love Jesus.

Or some pastime, sport or music or something they love more than Jesus. But of course they are unhappy. Because something has taken the place of God in their lives. So God is interested in binding husband and wife and making them one.

Becoming One in Spirit

This is said in Matthew chapter 19. And verse 6. They are no longer two but one. They are no longer two. They are one. That is how God wants to look at husband and wife. No longer as two different people.

But one. How can they be one? To be one flesh physically with your wife, that is easy. But to be one in spirit, Jesus has to be in the middle. That is God's will. God wants man and woman to have a tremendous desire for spiritual unity just like they have for physical unity.

Animals also have a desire to physically mate with their partners. So to have a great desire for physical unity with your partner doesn't make you any better than an animal. But we must have an equal desire for spiritual unity.

Physical unity you can have on the day of your marriage. But spiritual unity takes many years. And you have to work towards it. Every year it becomes better and better and better. God's desire is that husband and wife really become one.

See the prayer that Jesus prayed in John 17 for the church. It is a prayer that every husband and wife should pray for each other. In John 17 21 we can say like this. That both these husband and wife should be one father even as thou art in me and I in thee.

And further that they may be made, verse 23, perfect in unity so that the world may know that you love me as you love them. Love them as you love me. Husband and wife need to know that God loves you, each of you, just like he loved Jesus.

When you know that you can become one with each other. So the first thing you need to know is not that your husband loves you or your wife loves you. A lot of husband and wives are worried about that first.

Does my wife love me? Does my husband love me? Well, that's good to find out that, but that's secondary. But in a way you'll find your security. You don't find your security in your husband's love or wife's love.

It's in the fact that God the Father loves each of you exactly like he loved Jesus. And when you are secure in that love, then you will be one with each other. And then the world will look at it. And they will see your unity.

And they will see that what a Christian home can do. That's what he said, so that the world may know. Ultimately, God wants us to be a testimony to the world also. That's not the only thing. We must be one for his glory first.

But also to be a testimony to the world around as to what Jesus Christ can do. The world has got such a wrong understanding of Christianity. Why? Because so much dishonor is brought to the Lord's name by the way Christians have lived and behaved.

When a Christian in a Christian home, they fight and quarrel exactly like other homes. The world is not impressed. If you speak in tongues in the meeting on Sunday morning, and then come home and in your mother tongue shout at your wife, what is the use of speaking in other tongues in the meeting?

The Holy Spirit must be able to control your mother tongue also. Otherwise it's a deception. Whatever experience you claim to have, the world must know that the Father sent Jesus to be the Savior of the world.

And the world will know it only when they see something in you and in your Christian home. So let's turn back to Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians 5, we read here. One more thing. Verse 31. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

Leaving Earthly Attachments to Establish Marital Unity

So I told you the first step towards this unity is by experiencing the love of God for you. That's how you can become one with each other. Another very important requirement is you must leave your earthly father and mother.

Both husband and wife. To be one with each other they must leave their attachment to their earthly parents. The attachment to the earthly parents was good during the days you were unmarried. It protected you, preserved you.

Just like a little baby is fed through the umbilical cord from the mother all the time it is in the mother's womb. But what happens when the baby is born? The doctor will cut that umbilical cord. But you may say, no, no, no, don't do that.

This umbilical cord has done a tremendous work for this baby for nine months. But the doctor will say, that's true. And I appreciate. But now, if you want this baby to live on its own you've got to cut it.

If you don't do that it will die. That was ordained by God for a certain period. But now the time has come to cut it. Now that is a spiritual lesson too. There is an invisible umbilical cord that ties up parents to their child.

There is an invisible umbilical cord that ties up parents to their child. And when that child grows up and gets married you have to cut this cord so that they are not dependent on parents now. They have to be detached from their parents.

The husband has to cut his umbilical cord. The wife has to cut her umbilical cord from her parents. Here it speaks about a man leaving his father and mother. And in Psalm 45 and verse 10 Psalm 45, 10 it says Listen, O daughter, give attention, incline your ear, forget your people and your father's house.

Then the king will desire your beauty. So husband and wife have both to be separated from their parents. I am not saying you should not care for them. Jesus said you must not ignore your old parents and say that whatever money I have to support you I have given to God.

That money has become Korban. No, Jesus said that's wrong. So I am not saying we shouldn't care for our parents. If they need financial help if they need physical help you have to care for them. But don't let them run your life.

Don't let them tell you how you should live together as husband and wife. When you take a decision it must be you and your wife together. You can consult your parents you can consult everybody in the world.

But the decision must not be your parents' decision. This is an area where we need tremendous amount of instruction in India. Because I find even if you preach on it 50 times it's not enough. People still tend to depend on their parents.

They are married but they don't seem to recognize that inwardly. A man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Their relationship with each other must not be dependent on their parents.

There is a lot of unhappiness because of this. So we see in all these passages God is tremendously interested in building the Christian home. You may say it's difficult to build such a home but like I've said in other situations and other areas it is not difficult it is impossible.

Building the Home Through the Holy Spirit

You have to be filled with the Holy Spirit like it says in Ephesians 5 .18. When you are filled with the Spirit you can build such a home. You can say Lord I can build such a home. I am going to follow your laws and I am going to build such a home.

A home in which my children can grow up to love you and fear you. See, that is the ultimate purpose which we will come to a little later. That God unites husband and wife to bring up godly children. But now we want to concentrate on that relationship between husband and wife which must be strong.

I saw a fevicol cartoon once of two elephants trying to pull apart two pieces of wood stuck together. That is how it must be in a Christian home. But no pressure from parents or anybody else should be able to pull you apart from your wife.

Or from any other person in the world. Jesus Christ is a stronger bond than fevicol. Let us prove it. So let us pray. Will you bow your heads in prayer right now? Will you say Lord please help me to have such a home?

And if you are not married yet say Lord when I have a home I want to have a home like this. But remember the testimony of your home is as important as your ministry. God bless you.