The Life of David Brainerd - Part. 3 — Jonathan Edwards

Spiritual Discipline Amid Physical Weakness

January 7th. Spent this day in seriousness with steadfast resolutions for God and a life of mortification. Studied closely till I felt my bodily strength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God with an acquiescence to his plans.

Was grieved that I could do so little for God before my bodily strength failed. In the evening, though tired, was enabled to continue praying urgently for some time. Spent the time in reading, meditation and prayer till the evening was far spent.

Was grieved to think I could not be watchful in prayer the whole night. But blessed be God! Heaven is a place of continual and incessant devotion, though the earth is dull. February 7th. My soul felt and tasted that the Lord is gracious.

That he is the supreme good. The only soul satisfying happiness. That he is a complete, sufficient and almighty portion. The language of my heart was, whom have I in heaven but you? Oh, I feel that it is heaven to please him and to be just what he would have me to be.

Oh, that my soul were holy as he is holy. Oh, that it were pure even as Christ is pure and perfect as my father in heaven is perfect. These, I feel, are the sweetest commands in God's book, comprising all others.

Oh, that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service forever. Oh, that I could give up myself to him so as never more to attempt to be my own or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him.

What a dreadful man I am! I find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God. I cannot live and not sin. Oh, you angels, glorify him incessantly, and if possible prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven.

I long to bear a part with you, and if it were possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten-thousandth part of the homage which the glorious God deserves.

Love, Forgiveness, and Heavenly-Mindedness

March 3. In the morning, I spent about an hour in prayer, with great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection toward all mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason to think, owe me ill will, might be eternally happy.

It seemed refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven, however much they injured me on earth. Were we in heaven together, I had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them to bring about recompense for the wrongs done.

Instead, I only desired to exercise love and kindness toward them. Oh, it is an emblem of heaven itself to love all the world with a love of kindness, forgiveness and benevolence, to feel our souls sedate, mild and meek, to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion, to find our hearts simple, open and free to those that look upon us with a different eye.

Crucified to the World Through Christ

March 10. In the morning felt exceedingly dead to the world and all its enjoyments. I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its comforts as soon as called to it, and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost ever I had.

I longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below by the cross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned to God's disposal of me in every regard, and I saw that nothing had happened but what was best for me.

I confided in God that He would never leave me, though I should walk through the valley of the shadow of death. It was then my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord and die to the Lord. And I thought that I then enjoyed such a heaven as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul, and even unspeakably beyond what I could myself conceive of at another time.

I did not wonder that Peter said, Lord, it is good to be here, when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession, especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers of my acquaintance.

Brainerd's Evangelistic Method Among the Indians

Lord's Day, March 11. My soul was in some measure strengthened in God in morning devotion, so that I was released from trembling fear and distress, preached to my people from the parable of the sower found in Matthew 13, had some freedom, affection and fervency in addressing my poor people, longed that God should take hold of their hearts and make them spiritually alive.

And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking. This was the last Sabbath in which He ever performed public service at Ka 'alnaumik, and these the last sermons which He ever preached to the Indians there.

The methods He adopted for their salvation He thus describes in a letter to Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New York. In my labors with them, in order to turn them from darkness to light, I studied what was most plain and easy and best suited to their capacities, and endeavored to set before them from time to time, as they were able to receive them, the most important and necessary truths of Christianity.

Such as most immediately concerned their speedy conversion to God, and such as I judged had the greatest tendency to effect that glorious change in them. But especially I made it the scope and focus of all my labors to lead them into a thorough acquaintance with these two things.

First, the sinfulness and misery of the estate they were naturally in, the evil of their hearts, the pollution of their natures, the heavy guilt they were under, and their exposiveness to everlasting punishment, as also their utter inability to save themselves, either from their sins or from those miseries which are the just punishment of them.

And their unworthiness of any mercy at the hand of God, on account of anything they themselves could do to procure His favor, and consequently their extreme need of Christ to save them. And second, I frequently endeavored to open to them the fullness, all sufficiency, and freeness of that redemption which the Son of God has wrought out by His obedience and sufferings for perishing sinners.

How this provision He had made was suited to all their wants, and how He called and invited them to accept of everlasting life freely, notwithstanding all their sinfulness. After I had been with the Indians several months, I composed many written prayers adapted to their circumstances and capacities, which, with the help of my interpreter, I translated into the Indian language, and soon learned to pronounce their words so as to pray with them in their own tongue.

I also translated various psalms into their language, and soon after we were able to sing in the worship of God. When my people had gained some acquaintance with many of the simplest truths of Christianity, so that they were capable of receiving and understanding new ones, I gave them an historical account of God's dealing with His ancient professing people, the Jews.

I explained some of the rites and ceremonies they were commanded to observe, such as their sacrifices, and what these were designed to represent to them. They also learned about some of the surprising miracles God wrought for their salvation while they trusted in Him, and the sore punishments He sometimes brought upon them when they forsook Him and sinned against Him.

Afterward, I proceeded to give them a relation of the birth, life, miracles, sufferings, death, and resurrection of Christ, as well as His ascension and the wonderful effusion of the Holy Spirit consequent thereupon.

And having thus endeavored to prepare the way by such a general account of things, I next proceeded to read and expound to them the Gospel of St. Matthew, at least the substance of it, in course wherein they had a more distinct and particular view of what they before had only some general notion.

These expositions I conducted almost every evening, when there was any considerable number of them at home, except when it was necessary for me to be absent myself in order to learn the Indian language with Rev. Mr. Sargent.

Besides these means of instruction, there was likewise an English school constantly kept by my interpreter among the Indians, which I used frequently to visit in order to give the children and young people some proper instruction and serious exhortations suited to their age.

The degree of knowledge to which some of them attained was considerable. Many of the truths of Christianity seemed fixed in their minds, especially in some instances, so that they would speak to me of them and ask such questions about them as were necessary to render them more plain and clear to their understandings.

A good number of children also and young people who attended the school made considerable proficiency in their learning, so that had they understood the English language well, they would have been able to read somewhat readily in a psalter.

But that which was most of all desirable and gave me the greatest encouragement amidst many difficulties and disheartening hours was that the truths of God's Word seemed at times to be attended with some power upon the hearts and consciences of the Indians.

And especially this appeared evident in a few individuals who were awakened to some sense of their miserable estate by nature and appeared eager for deliverance from it. Several of them came of their own accord to discourse with me about their soul's concerns, and some with tears inquired what they should do to be saved.

Leaving Kaunaumik for Wider Missionary Labor

The Indians at Kaunaumik were but few in number, and Brainerd had been laboring among them about a year. He had prevailed upon them to be willing to leave Kaunaumik and remove to Stockbridge to live constantly under Mr. Sargent's ministry.

Therefore, he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere. So he went to New Jersey and laid the matter before the commissioners who met at Elizabethtown. They determined that he should immediately leave Kaunaumik and go to the Delaware Indians.

By the invitations which Brainerd had recently received, it appears that it was not from necessity or lack of opportunities to settle in a more stable ministry that he determined to forsake all the outward comforts he might have enjoyed and spend his life among savage and endure the difficulties and self-denials of an Indian mission.

He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumik, received an earnest invitation to a settlement at East Hampton, one of the most pleasant towns on Long Island. The people there were unanimous in their desire to have him for their pastor, and for a long time they continued an earnest pursuit of him.

They did not relinquish their endeavors or give up their hopes of obtaining him. Besides this, he had an invitation to preach at a settlement in Millington, near his native town, and in the midst of his friends.

It must further be mentioned that Brainerd did not choose to be a missionary to the Indians over these other opportunities because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service.

On the contrary, he had extensive experience of these difficulties in summer and winter. He had already spent about a year in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships and been the subject of a litany of outward and inward sorrows which were now fresh in his mind.

After this, he continued two or three days in New Jersey, very ill, and then returned to New York, and from there into New England, and went to his native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14th, and he continues still his bitter complaints of a need for rest and refreshment.

While he was in New York, he says, Oh, it is not the pleasure of the world which can comfort me. If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is, is better than the whole world.

April 17th. In the evening, at my brother's, singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt, and in prayer afterward, enjoyed the exercise of faith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit, found more of God's presence than I have done any time in my late, wearisome journey.

Eternity appeared very near. My nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved. While the sun was declining and the shadows of the evening appeared, oh, how I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God!

Though my body was so feeble and wearied with preaching and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory forever and ever.

Amen. April 18th. Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort. Was exercised with one who raised trivial objections against original sin. May the Lord open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself.

After this he visited several ministers in Connecticut, and then traveled towards Kownaumik, and came to Mr. Sargent's at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26th, having performed the journey in a very weak state of body.

April 27th and 28th. Spent some time in visiting friends and discoursing with my people, who were now moved down from their own place to Mr. Sargent's, and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my own unworthiness.

Lord's Day, April 29th. Preached for Mr. Sargent both parts of the day, from Revelation, Chapter 14, Verse 4. I enjoyed some fluency in preaching, though not much spirituality. In the evening my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance.

April 30th. Rode to Kownaumik, but was extremely ill. Did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house. May 1st. I received new orders to go to a number of Indians on the Delaware River in Pennsylvania.

Further, my people here had left to Mr. Sargent's. Hence I this day took all my clothes, books, and other personal items, and disposed of them, and set out for the Delaware River. Then I returned to Mr. Sargent's that same night.

Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body that little or nothing but blood came from me. May 8th. Traveled about forty-five miles to a place called Fishkill, and lodged there.

Journey Through the Wilderness to the Delaware

Spent much of my time while riding in prayer that God would go with me to the Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness I knew not where, but still it was comfortable to think that others of God's children had wandered about in dens and caves of the earth.

And Abraham, when he was called to go forth, went out not knowing to where he was going. Oh, that I might follow after God! The next day he went forward on his journey, crossed the Hudson, and went to the Goshen in the Highlands, and so traveled across the woods from the Hudson to the Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate and hideous country, above New Jersey, where very few settlements existed.

In this journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some Indians along the way at a place called Meunissinks, and discoursed with them concerning Christianity. He was considerably melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness.

On Saturday May 12th he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, and proceeding about twelve miles further arrived at Sakaowatung, an Indian settlement within the forks of the Delaware. Lord's Day, May 13th.

Rose early, felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy. Have scarcely ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life. There appeared to be no Sabbath. The children were all at play.

I was a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go, and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting an interpreter, and heard that the Indians were much scattered.

Oh, I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from His sight. Yet He was pleased to support my sinking soul amidst all my sorrow, so that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians, but was comforted to think that death would before long set me free from these distresses.

Rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged. I went and preached first to the Irish, and then to the Indians, and in the evening was a little comforted.

My soul seemed to rest on God and take courage. Lord's Day, May 20th. Preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed some expressiveness in speaking, while I attempted to remove their prejudices against Christianity.

My soul longed continually for assistance from above, for I saw I had no strength sufficient for that work. Afterward preached to the Irish people, was much assisted in the first prayer, and somewhat in the sermon, with whom I discoursed afterward with much freedom and some power.

Blessed be God for any assistance afforded to an unworthy worm! Oh, that I could live to Him! Lord's Day, May 27th. Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended a funeral among them. Was distraught to see their heathenish practices.

Oh, that they might be turned from darkness to light! Afterward got a considerable number of them together, and preached to them, and observed them very attentive. After this preached to the white people from Hebrews chapter 2, verse 3.

How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation? Was enabled to speak with some freedom and power. Several people seemed much concerned for their souls, especially one who had been educated a Roman Catholic.

Blessed be the Lord for any help! May 28th. Set out from the Indians above the forks of Delaware, on a journey toward Newark, in New Jersey, according to my orders. Rode through the wilderness, was much fatigued with the heat.

Lodged at a place called Black River. Was exceedingly tired and worn out. Lord's Day, June 10th, at Newark. In the morning I was much concerned how I should perform the work of the day, and trembled at the thoughts of being left to myself.

Enjoyed very considerable assistance in all parts of the public service. Had an opportunity again to attend on the ordinance of the Lord's Supper, and through divine goodness was refreshed in it. My soul was full of love and tenderness toward the children of God, and toward all men.

At night I enjoyed more spirituality and sweet desire of holiness than I have felt for some time. Was afraid of every thought and every motion, lest thereby my heart should be drawn away from God. Oh, that I might never leave the blessed God!

Lord, in Thy presence is fullness of joy! Oh, the blessedness of living to God! June 11th. This day the presbytery met at Newark, in order to examine me for ordination. Was very weak and disordered in body, yet endeavored to repose my confidence in God.

Spent most of the day alone, especially the forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached my probation sermon from Acts, chapter 26, verse 17 and 18, a text given me for that purpose. Felt not well either in body or mind.

However, God carried me through comfortably. Afterward, passed an examination before the presbytery. Was much tired, and my mind burdened with the greatness of that charge I was in the most solemn manner about to take upon me.

My mind was so pressed with the weight of the work incumbent upon me that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and in great need of rest. June 12th. Was this morning further examined respecting my experimental acquaintance with Christianity.

At ten o 'clock my ordination was conferred, the sermon preached by the Reverend Mr. Pemberton. At this time I was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me, yet was composed and solemn without distraction, and I hope that then, as many times before, I gave myself up to God, to be for Him and not for another.

Oh, that I might always be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have received in the presence of God, angels, and men. Amen. Chapter 6. From Brainerd's Private Diary. Except for any explanations added by President Jonathan Edwards June 13th, 1744, through June 18th, 1745.

Ministry at the Forks of Delaware

Describes his labor for the Indians at and near the Forks of Delaware, an idolatrous feast and dance, and a journey through the wilderness to Opulhal, Howopong. Further describes events on the Susquehanna, including his building of a cottage at the Forks of Delaware, and some evidences of a work of the spirit among the Indians.

Also includes a journey to New England to obtain funds to support a colleague, a visit to the Indians on the Susquehanna, and a journey to Cross Weeksong in New Jersey. June 13th, 1744, at Elizabeth Town I spent considerable time in writing an account of the Indian affairs to be sent to Scotland.

I also spent some time in conversation with friends, but had not much spiritual enjoyment. On Tuesday, June 19th, he set out on his journey and in three days reached his residence near the Forks of Delaware.

Performed the journey under much weakness of body, but had comfort in his soul from day to day. Lord's Day, June 24th. Extremely feeble, scarcely able to walk, however, visited my Indians and took much pains to instruct them.

Labored with some that were much disaffected towards Christianity. My mind was much burdened with the weight and difficulty of my work. My whole dependence and hope of success seemed to be on God, who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction.

My heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God, even while I was speaking to them. Oh, that I could always go in the strength of the Lord! June 25th. Was somewhat better in health than of late, and was able to spend a considerable part of the day in prayer and close study.

I had more freedom and fervency in prayer than usual of late. Especially longed for the presence of God in my work, and that the poor heathen might be converted. And in evening prayer my faith and hope in God were much raised.

To an eye of reason, everything that respects the conversion of the heathen is as dark as midnight. And yet I cannot but hope in God for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. My soul longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer's kingdom on earth.

I was very fearful lest I should allow some vain thought and so lose the sense I then had of divine things. Oh, for an abiding heavenly mindset! June 26th. In the morning my desires seemed to rise and ascend up freely to God.

Was busy most of the day in translating prayers into the language of the Delaware Indians. This task met with great difficulty, because my interpreter was altogether unacquainted with the business. But though I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty of that work, yet God supported me, and especially in the evening gave me sweet refreshment.

In prayer my soul was uplifted, and my faith glowed more brightly. I was unable to cry to God for my poor Indians, and though the work of their conversion appeared impossible with man, yet with God I saw all things were possible.

My faith was much strengthened by observing the wonderful assistance God afforded His servants Nehemiah and Ezra in reforming His people and reestablishing His ancient church. I was much assisted in prayer for my dear Christian friends and for others whom I apprehended to be Christless, but I was more especially concerned for the poor heathen and those of my own charge, was unable to be urgent in prayer for them, and hoped that God would bow the heavens and come down for their salvation.

It seemed to me that there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the living God, as I strongly hoped, was engaged for it. I continued in a solemn attitude, lifting up my heart to God for assistance and grace, that I might be more mortified to this present world, that my whole soul might be taken up continually in concern for the advancement of Christ's kingdom.

Earnestly desired that God would purge me more, that I might be as a chosen vessel to bear His name among the heathen. June 28th. Spent the morning in reading several parts of the Holy Scripture and in fervent prayer for my Indians, that God would set up His kingdom among them and bring them into His church.

About nine I withdrew to my usual place of retirement in the woods, and there again enjoyed some assistance in prayer. My great concern was for the conversion of the heathen to God, and the Lord helped me to plead with Him for it.

Toward noon rode up to the Indians in order to preach to them, and while going my heart went up to God in prayer for them. Could freely tell God He knew that the cause in which I was engaged was not mine, but that it was His own cause, and that it would be for His own glory to convert the poor Indians.

And blessed be God, I felt no desire of their conversion that I might receive honor from the world as being the instrument of it. Had some success in speaking to the Indians. June 30th. My soul was very solemn in reading God's word, especially the ninth chapter of Daniel.

I saw how God had called out His servants to prayer and made them wrestle with Him when He designed to bestow any great mercy on His church. And how terrible! I was ashamed of myself to think of my dullness and inactivity where there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion.

Oh, how does Zion lie waste! I longed that the church of God might be enlarged, was unable to pray, I think, in faith. My soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was unable to wrestle with Him. Afterward walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement, enjoyed some assistance in prayer, had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on God.

Blessed be God, this has been a comfortable week to me. Lord's Day, July 1st. After I came to them, my mind was confused, and I felt nothing sensibly of that sweet reliance on God with which my soul has been comforted in days past.

Spent the forenoon in this posture of mind, and preached to the Indians without any heart. In the afternoon I felt still barren when I began to preach for about half an hour. I seemed to myself to know nothing and to have nothing to say to the Indians, but soon after I found in myself a spirit of love and warmth and power to address the poor Indians.

And God helped me to plead with them to turn from all the vanities of the heathen to the living God. I am persuaded that the Lord touched their consciences, for I never saw such a tension raised in them.

When I came away from them, I spent the whole time I was riding to my lodgings, three miles distant, in prayer and praise to God. After I rode more than two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again, which I did with great solemnity and unspeakable satisfaction.

Especially gave up myself to Him renewedly in the work of the ministry. This I did by divine grace, I hope, without any exception or reserve, not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties that might attend this great and blessed work.

I seemed to be most free, cheerful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, Lord, to Thee I dedicate myself. Oh, accept of me, and let me be Yours forever. Lord, I desire nothing else, I desire nothing more.

Oh, come, come, Lord, accept a poor worm. My heart rejoiced in my particular work as a missionary, rejoiced in my necessity of self-denial in many respects, and I still continued to give myself up to God and to implore mercy of Him, praying incessantly with sweet fervency.

My nature of being very weak of late and much spent was not considerably overcome. My fingers grew very feeble and somewhat numb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out straight, and when I lighted from my horse I could hardly walk, my joints seemed to be all loosed.

But I felt abundant strength in the inner man. Preached to the white people. God helped me much, especially in prayer. Many of my poor Indians were so moved as to come to the meeting also, and one appeared much concerned.

July 3. I was still very weak. This morning was enabled to pray with a deep recognition of my need of help from God, and I trust I exercised some faith and, blessed be God, was enabled to plead with Him a considerable time.

Truly God is good to me, but my soul mourned and was grieved at my sinfulness and barrenness and longed to be more engaged for God. Near nine, withdrew again for prayer, and through divine goodness had the blessed spirit of prayer.

My soul loved the duty and longed for God in it. Oh, it is sweet to be the Lord's, to be sensibly devoted to Him. What a blessed portion is God! How glorious, how lovely in Himself! Oh, my soul longed to use my time wholly for God.

Spent most of the day in translating prayers into the Indian language. In the evening, was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency, was enabled to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, and was jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness and self-confidence.

July 6. Awoke this morning in fear of God and spent my first waking minutes in prayer for sanctification, that my soul may be washed from its excessive pollution and defilement. After I arose, I spent some time in reading God's word and in prayer.

I cried to God under a sense of my great indigence. I am of late most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications and the conversion of the heathen. Last year I longed to be prepared for a world of glory and speedily to depart out of this world, but of late all of my concern almost is for the conversion of the heathen, and for that end I long to live.

But blessed be God that I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world than I ever had. I long and love to be a pilgrim, and want by grace to imitate the life, labors, and sufferings of St. Paul among the heathen.

And when I long for holiness now, it is not so much for myself as formerly, but rather thereby I may become an able minister of the New Testament, especially to the heathen. July 7. Was very much disordered this morning, and my vigor all spent and exhausted, but was moved and refreshed in reading the sweet story of Elijah's translation, and enjoyed some affection and fervency in prayer.

Longed much for ministerial gifts and graces, that I might do something in the cause of God. Afterward was refreshed and invigorated while reading Aline's first case for conscience. After that I was enabled to pray with some ardor of soul, was afraid of carelessness and self-confidence, and longed for holiness.

Lord's Day, July 8. Was ill last night, not able to rest quietly. Had some small degree of assistance in preaching to the Indians, and afterward was enabled to preach to the white people with some power, especially in the close of my discourse from Jeremiah chapter 3 verse 23, which reads in part, Truly in vain is salvation hoped for from the hills.

The Lord also assisted me in some measure in the first prayer, Blessed be his name. Near night, though very weary, was enabled to read God's word with some sweet relish of it, and to pray with affection, fervency, and, I trust with faith, my soul was more sensibly dependent on God than usual.

Was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the Blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences.

Longed to depart and be with Christ more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of ancient times, as well as those now living. Especially my soul melted for the company of Elijah and Elisha.

Was enabled to cry to God with a childlike spirit, and to continue urgently in prayer for some time. Was much enlarged in the sweet duty of intercession. Was enabled to remember great numbers of dear friends and precious souls, as well as Christ's ministers.

Spiritual Conflict Over Idolatry

Continued in this frame, afraid of every idle thought, till I dropped asleep. July 21st. This morning I was greatly oppressed with guilt and shame from a sense of inward vileness and pollution. About nine, withdrew to the woods for prayer, but had not much comfort.

I appeared to myself the vilest, meanest creature upon earth, and could scarcely live with myself. So mean and vile I appeared that I thought I should never be able to hold my face in heaven if God, of His infinite grace, should bring me thither.

Toward night, my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much, and was aggravated by hearing many things which looked very discouraging. In particular, that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance.

Then I began to be in anguish. I thought that I must in conscience go and endeavor to break them up, yet knew not how to attempt such a thing. However, I withdrew for prayer, hoping for strength from above.

In prayer I was exceedingly engaged, and my soul was as much drawn out as ever I remember it to have been in my life. I was in such anguish and pleaded with such earnestness and importunity that when I arose from my knees I felt extremely weak and overcome.

I could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. So far as I could judge, I was wholly free from selfish ends in my fervent supplications for the poor Indians.

I knew that they were about to meet together to worship devils and not God, and this made me cry earnestly that God would now appear and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long, and I thought that God would hear and would go with me to vindicate His own cause.

I seemed to confide in God for His presence and assistance, and thus I spent the evening praying incessantly for divine assistance, and that I might not be self-dependent, but still have my whole dependence upon God.

What I passed through was remarkable and indeed inexpressible. All things here below vanished, and there appeared to be nothing of any considerable importance to me but holiness of heart and life and the conversion of the heathen to God.

All my cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared and were of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed that God would make Himself known among the heathen, and I appealed to Him with the greatest articulacy that He knew I preferred Him above any other joy in life.

Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world. I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls to Christ. I continued in this frame all the evening and night.

While I was asleep, I dreamed of these things, and when I awoke, as I frequently did, the first thing I thought of was this great work of pleading to God against Satan—Lord's Day, July 22. When I awoke, my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me.