Mutual Spousal Authority: Due Benevolence

Please turn your Bibles to 1 Corinthians chapter 7 that can be found on page 955 if you're using the pew

Bible in front of you 1

Corinthians chapter 7 I'll read verses 1 to 5

But the preaching will just be on chapter or verse 4 and the preaching for the next three weeks will likewise just be on verse 4 as I believe there are many

Implications that come from this one verse about mutual Spousal authority if you've been in the church for any period of time

You know that the husband has authority over the wife and therefore the wife should submit to the husband

It's what Ephesians says is what first Peter 3 says Scripture explains this clearly enough yet.

There is a mutual Spousal authority that likewise exists and there are some substantial implications from this even beyond the most direct one

That is in this passage the one that we will address today There will be a number more that will be worth our attention

When you have that, please go ahead and stand for the reading of God's Word Now concerning the matters about what you wrote it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality Each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband

For the wife does not have authority over her own body But the husband does likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does

Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer

But then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self -control

Amen You may be seated Dear Heavenly Father We thank you for your word.

We ask that you would enlighten us today with this very practical passage We pray that we be a people well informed by your word able to follow it and able to counsel others in it in Jesus name.

Amen Let me start off with a statistic Regarding the frequency of marital intimacy is

Reported typically and I have checked a number of statistics It's typically reported that over half of couples

Have marital intimacy less than once a week now There are a few sets of statistics that suggests a little bit more than that But in general the picture is not very good

That marital intimacy is not something that happens very frequently in Within marriage and this is something that is important.

This is something that's important for this particular passage and is Important as marriage itself is something that is the pinnacle of creation when

God created man He did not create man and woman both immediately

But chose to create woman after man in order that marriage be the pinnacle of the original creation

Pointing forward to the pinnacle of that new creation Christ having made in us a new creation and yet us awaiting that final spiritual marriage

That points to that as the pinnacle of the new creation Much of what

God has for his people though. These matters are not addressed in Practical detail as frequently as one might expect in a handbook.

It is something that is incredibly important for our lives Now if you are married, obviously, this is going to be important to you

If you are not married It may be helpful to you regardless especially as you pursue marriage to know

What you should anticipate or if you are not one who will be married Then it gives you information by which you can counsel others who are and so I hope that this will be helpful for you regardless You'll note also that The title of this message is due benevolence as I mentioned this morning that was the frequent euphemism among the

Puritans for Describing marital intimacy and I will use many different either many different biblical typically euphemisms in order to Address this sensitive topic.

I know that there are kids around I don't want to get in many details and yet at the same time

Since God's Word addresses this it's important that we address it and we speak of it as Directly as we can as directly as would be helpful

Walking through this passage from verses 1 to 5 now concerning the matter about what you wrote

It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman so Paul writes this in response to a letters the

Corinthians have sent him and They have this they have a number of misguided ideas that he responds to through to throughout this letter

This is one of them that it might be good for couples. Just not to Enjoy marital intimacy but he and his pattern throughout this letter is to take their misguided notions first affirm them and Then reject them he does that repeatedly where he says all things are lawful, but not all things are profitable

He he does this repeatedly where he addresses them with an affirmation, but then a rejection and so he does here yes, but Because of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband

It's very interesting that many people point to this chapter in order to de elevate marriage as a norm

Given that one of the applications Paul makes is the very good thing that it can be for someone to be unmarried

Detached from the duties of marriage in order to serve the Lord in a more devoted way yet Paul begins this whole letter by addressing the idea that a lack of marriage might be good and starts off with the norm being that is

Because of temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. This is how it should be

Also, he says that this is because of the temptation to sexual immorality a lot of people and trying to Be very holy and approach all this in a very holy manner end up Reducing the role of marriage in preventing sexual immorality.

I Remember when I was young and was talking to someone who is married about These ideas not necessarily from this passage.

I was told that marriage would do nothing in Addressing any kind of temptations that I felt on my life now

I understand that if someone has a core issue of lust a sin issue that putting band -aids on sin issues do not fix things however

It is one of the means that God has given to reduce temptations and we should not deny that our

Confession lists this as one of the three reasons that God has given marriage For mutual help of husband and wife for the increase of legitimate offspring, but also for the prevention of immorality

He goes on in verse 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband

Describing marital intimacy describing do benevolence that word do meaning what is do what is owed

Says that the wife does not have authority over her own body The husband does likewise the husband does not have authority over his body the wife does as I've already pointed out.

This is a Surprising thing if you are used to thinking about marriage just as being the husband having authority over the wife

This is one area where that is not true This is one area where the wife likewise has authority over the body of the husband

And those rights have implications in verse 5. It says do not deprive one another Except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer

But then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self -control once again pointing out the issue of temptation and him giving a concession that it may be good for the sake of prayer for a

Brief while to deny each other but Ultimately to come together again for that not to be an excuse to remain apart, but to come together again they must and other reasons other providential providential hindrances to marital union are

Left to be assumed here. He's not denying those but among things that people might voluntarily place as a hindrance

He describes prayer as being one that could be in a moderate measure used

But ultimately that they should come together again All right. So with this let us talk about the obligation that this speaks of in marriage

First of all, this is the essence of marriage marriage is a covenant covenant is a bond before God and Here it is between man and wife a bond

But particularly what is that covenant to that covenant is to be one flesh?

It is not a covenant to Just generally be kind to one another although that is entailed.

It's not a covenant to Have some kind of shared identity, although that is also true

But the covenant in its most explicit form in Scripture is to be one flesh

Genesis 2 24 says therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh

Okay, this is not a secondary aspect of marriage This is the essence of what marriage is it is the commitment to be one flesh?

When Jesus speaks to the Pharisees and they are talking to him about divorce

Let me read Matthew 19 verses 3 to 9 this whole passage

I think will be helpful for us and Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?

He answered have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh

So they are no longer two but one flesh What therefore God has joined together let not man separate they said to him

Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away? He said to them because of your hardness of heart

Moses allowed you to divorce your wives But from the beginning it was not so and I say to you whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery

So what are the Pharisees doing? they're asking Jesus a question about divorce and they're going through the law of Moses and finding times when it would be

Legally, okay. In other words not there'd be no civil penalty But they are in but then they are assuming that that gives them the parameters of what would be morally

Okay, they're saying if there's no civil penalty, then there is no moral wrong that's being done and Jesus rejects this

It is not in the law of Moses that you find what marriage is and what the boundaries of marriage are

That might give you some clarity, but ultimately when he says from the beginning

He made the male and female and said to them therefore man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh and He bases his whole answer just on that verse

So they are no longer two but one flesh what therefore God has joined together. Let no man separate

So he tells them that Moses permitted this but from the beginning it was not so he uses the word beginning twice here

He's pointing back to Genesis that it is all contained in that one thing If you ever wondered why it is that the

Bible doesn't spell out marriage in so many specifics for example, you could look at The various things that we do in a wedding the vows that are read etc

The Bible doesn't give us which particular vows we are supposed to Use in marriage.

It doesn't tell us all the details of what that kind of ceremony would look like but it does tell us

The essence of what marriage is and is the covenant to be one flesh from that one axiom

Everything else can be developed if you're If you know math at all the way math works is there are several axioms a different branch of mathematics

You would start with a different set of axioms and then you can build Books and books and books a pot of mathematics just upon a couple of axioms

Marriage to understand it is just based on this one axiom of what is it?

It is the covenant to be one flesh now once again Because people end up Spiritualizing marriage in such a way that seems a little more pious and a less carnally minded

Will often take that to be some kind of metaphor that being one flesh that can't really mean what it sounds like it means

Does it? 1st Corinthians 6 16 says Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her

For just as it is written. The two will become one flesh So Paul here just in the previous chapter uses that very same phrase to describe

Intimacy that is happening outside the bonds of marriage So this is not just a phrase that describes

Marriage in its goodness in its holy form. It's describing that Intimacy that happens even outside of marriage

So what is the covenant? The covenant is to be one flesh and that should

When we realize that the husband has authority over the wife's body. The wife has authority over the husband's body That means that what they have that authority for the purpose out of authority is to fulfill that commitment to be one flesh to Pursue to pursue what

God has called spouses to pursue marital intimacy due benevolence

There are many things that this implies would be forbidden and we will not go through all of those

I imagine if we lived in a different culture where other things were the norm or problems I would have a different series sets where we go through things

The next three that we will be going through will be implications from this but just to give you a few that we won't be doing

Polygamy, right? It's generally understood within the church that polygamy is wrong. Think about one reason why polygamy is wrong.

How can Someone give wholly of themselves to their spouse if they also belong to another it's not something that they can do

Okay, so this that has implications there It also have implications about eunuchs that eunuchs do not have the capacity for marriage

Why because they cannot come into this Union with the intention? With a wholehearted intention to fulfill the covenant.

They would be coming in without an ability to fulfill the covenant Marriage is not just there for some sense of of companionship in fulfillment

It has a particular essence that was declared Genesis 224 and repeated throughout

Scripture including by Jesus in the Apostle Paul And so what does this mean for the topic directly at hand in this passage?

Several things that it forbids first of all It forbids the absolute idea that one spouse would have authority over another forbids the idea that the husband would

Absolutely in this area have authority over the wife so that the wife could not make claims on her husband

You know, you might imagine the husband who? Think of the you know

Kind of stereotypical over authoritarian husband who believes that it is his right to go and flirt with other women or something like that She can make a claim over him and say no that is not you're right.

I have authority over you in this area Okay, so that's one thing it it

It removes this absolute asymmetry where the husband would have authority over the wife in every area

Even though it's described as being in all things and some passages There is a limit in this particular area where the where even though the husband does have authority over the wife

The wife has an authority over the husband. It is a mutual authority Then It also means that marital intimacy is not something that needs to be earned.

A Lot of people act like it is something that has to be earned where okay That's something that I'll give to you if you're good to me

But if you're not good to me, I will withhold that and use that as my bargaining chip to get the things that I want

Okay, that does not work that works if you have authority over your own body But what does this say you don't in marriage have authority over your own body rather your spouse has authority over your body

So that whole negotiating or having to earn intimacy not

Acceptable from a scriptural point of view It also removes any kind of compromise here a lot of people think that the way to approach marital intimacy is to look at the

Is to look at the desires of one and the desires of the other and when they don't match up meet somewhere in the middle

And that's each considering others needs higher than themselves, etc. That is not what this is describing

This is describing Fulfilling each other's desires so that one would be able to claim have a claim on the other not the other

Negotiate so that you meet somewhere in the middle. This is not the this is not the picture that is given again

Another thing that is forbidden by this is the idea that one would have the right over the bed so that they can send the

Other to the couch say, you know, you're sleeping on the couch tonight that kind of thing This is something where it does not matter how horrible your

Spouse has been to you. I mean clearly if there's some kind of Domestic violence or something.

I'm not not considering these situations here, right? We're talking just about Just verbal etc.

Then there is no place for saying that you do not have a right to the bed You go to the couch.

Okay, if that ever happens just just say no That is not as not something that is permitted in marriage.

Now. This is all a good thing This is a very good thing. It is good first of all for your spouse to give them due benevolence the focus on this passage is on Temptation and that is not a wrong thing to think about you are preventing them from temptation

What happens often is that there will be? One spouse who rejects another repeatedly and then when that other spouse and when that spouse goes and ends up pursuing

Happiness elsewhere with another woman or man. There's a there is this sense of violation that does not take into account the wrong that was done in leading and temptation and Usually the suggestion that the other party who is a victim in this case

Right, they're a victim because they have been cheated on Is met with such disdain?

because Because you're only allowed to speak one way if you have a if you have one who's a victim and the other is the perpetrator

Then the victim is wholly innocent But what it's describing here is that you can lead your spouse in temptation

What did Jesus say about temptation sin is sure to come but woe to him by whom temptation comes better for a millstone to be?

hung around his neck Okay, rejecting your spouse better for a millstone to be hung around your neck

Okay, if you lead someone else into sin another scriptural way of speaking of this is that blood is on your hands

Yes, that person will be guilty for his own sins, but blood is on your hands These are serious things, you know don't watch sitcoms and the marriage dynamics that you see there where there's all the negotiation and the the you know funny humor from a

Different generation that was found those things funny Look at what the

Bible says About what is owed? Okay. This is owed. This is also good for you do not think that you're calling in this circumstance if you are being wronged is to Just lay down arms and be walked over Okay, this is an authority that God has given you it should not be abdicated authority is supposed to be used for the purpose

That is given. It is not supposed to be abdicated when we don't have authority. It is right to suffer

Without without applying it without seeking vengeance But when God has given authority that authority is supposed to be used now.

I'm not saying that you should suffer bitterly Excuse me. I'm not saying that you should

Fight back in any kind of bitter way But I am saying that God has granted this authority for a reason and it is not one that is supposed to go

Unused is one that is supposed to go use is not good for man to be alone And that remains true if you say, okay

Well in my circumstances, maybe it is good for me to be alone because that's me counting the other better than myself

God has given you authority anyone who he's given authority who does not use the authority appropriately will have to give an account to him

Okay, it said of pastors instead of teachers that they will have to give an account to God They will be held to a higher standard right with that authority if they don't put themselves in that position.

There's no There's not the extra accounting that they will have to give but if they are in that position, they have to give an account

Okay, you if you have authority, even if it's the authority in your marriage You will have to give an account of how you used it

And if you say well, I just abdicated all because I thought that was the kind thing to do you are missing

What scripture is saying here? It is a good thing. It is not selfish to insist on Marital goodness and then likewise it is good for the health of the marriage together

So not just your spouse not just you but together in order that you would both be thankful for to God For the blessing of marriage and if you think about how difficult

Marriages how difficult it is for people to get along together in general even outside of marriage

What a blessing that the most One of the greatest but not the greatest blessing on this earth

That he has given is one that forms Marital unit forms a bond between husband and wife even emotionally so that they would love each other more

Okay, that is not something that should be neglected as something to take full advantage of Proverbs 3 29 says

Do not plan harm against your neighbor who dwells trustingly beside you if you think about the dynamics of neighbors

You know, why is it that you are especially kind to your neighbor neighbor? Well, your neighbor could do wrong to you

And so it is very important to stay on good terms because you are especially vulnerable to your neighbor, right?

Husband and wife are the nearest neighbors, but then through marital intimacy

They become even nearer things that would be the most embarrassing things to be exposed

Are known by each other. Okay, this is something where the utmost trust has to come into play and that is something that that increases that neighborly disposition that we see in Proverbs 3 29 in nearest neighbors and the the more that there is that intimacy and that word intimacy is a good one in this context because it talks about the kind of knowledge that one would have of another that would be that requires a

Benevolence in the broader sense not just the sexual sense, but a broader sense toward one another Maybe you've seen in fiction situations where one

Or read where one party blackmails one and then the other blackmails back and they have to both

You know treat each other well so that neither blackmails the other or because they both have something on each other in marriage the kind of the kind of trust that is built when when the couple in their most

Vulnerable state is with each other. That is something that that cultivates a kindness that cannot be cultivated in other ways

It is is something that is incredibly blessed. So this is a this is a very good thing

That God has given to pursue Now, I think some words

Ought to be said about frequency I think this is something where often this topic is addressed in a very broad way where no specifics are given

Because that is easy and you don't run the risk of saying too much

However, I think this is something where there's just so little being said That there are some things that ought to be said you might hear if you look about some of the stuff online

People give things like a one -week rule or a 72 -hour rule stuff like that But does the

Bible give any kind of parameters to say anything about frequency? I would point out a

Number of things that you should be considering as you are thinking about what is the appropriate frequency?

I know this is a common question for new couples to Who don't know what is healthy?

What is not? think about Think about the following things. First of all, what is this for?

This is to prevent temptation So if there are desires that are not being met

Where temptation is not rightly being taken care of? There's a problem. So the first the first principle is just that it you know, it's not about meeting in the middle

It is about parties being satisfied. Okay, so that's the that's the first thing. That's the most straightforward Biblical thing.

However at the same time. I don't want you to just think reactively about this truth

But proactively, okay, you should be thinking proactively. How should you be cultivating a happy marriage not just What is the?

What is the minimum bar here? You could imagine that if a couple didn't feel any desire for one another and just kind of stopped

They could you could say oh, well, I have no desires and so therefore I'm not I'm not disobeying anything here

But would that really be pleasing to God if the covenant is to be one flesh? positively spoken that that wouldn't be pleasing to God so Desires being satisfied is not really the best way of thinking about this

It's not the only way of thinking about this Right and all of this,

I mean I I didn't qualify this earlier, but hopefully it's understood This is all in circumstances where things are possible.

Like I said Paul is all the other All the other hindrances that may happen are just being assumed here including age

I understand that a certain point and ultimately death right death is the thing that dissolves it all because it's impossible but the

I Understand that there can be severe hindrances

Illness, etc. So this is not it's not talking about any of that. All right Other things to consider

Paul gives an example of a time where you would voluntarily Choose to avoid marital intimacy and that is in particular

Fasting he talks about spending time in prayer and here when he talks about spending time in prayer

He's not just talking about prayer by itself He is talking about fasting. The whole idea is denying yourself some pleasure, right?

So this this is in mind something that would be attended with a fast away from food as well think about How it is that a

Christian should fast there are limits to Christian fasting I know that we see in Scripture fast at 40 days and things like that, but and there might be a reason to Deprive yourself like Daniel of good food for a long time as you mourn, but There is a particular thing that keeps the

Christian from an absolute fast for too long under normal circumstances And that is the

Lord's Supper which the Bible I Believe indicates should be celebrated weekly

Acts 2 42 says and they devoted themselves to the Apostles teaching and the fellowship to the breaking of bread and the prayers

Okay, so this is what they're devoting themselves. They're devoting themselves to the breaking of bread and prayers. What's that talking about?

That's the Lord's Supper and prayers right acts 9 acts 20 verse 7 says

On the first day of the week when we were gathered together to break bread Okay, so the first day of the week they're gathered together to break bread

The assumption is this is what they're doing every first day of the week Okay, just like we do every first day of the week. We break bread together

It's not just talking about Homey fellowship, etc. Right? This is talking about the Lord's Supper Paul says later on in this epistle in First Corinthians 11 20 when you come together, it is not the

Lord's Supper that you eat So in other words in addressing the Lord's Supper now, I know he says that negatively

But he's going to say that they have their own kind of feast the The idea is that when they come together, they are doing this that those are going hand -in -hand together

So, what does that mean under normal circumstances the Christian who is fasting it's not fasting for Longer than a week.

That's not really something that can be done under normal circumstances So when he says giving yourselves to prayer and this being an example of an extended time

Where there wouldn't be marital intimacy that means that you should think of one week as an extended time.

That's a very long time Okay from Paul's perspective Some other parameters to consider in the

Old Testament when it talks about Let me read

Leviticus I'm gonna read both both from Leviticus 18 and Leviticus 20 They both talk about the same thing

You shall not approach a woman to uncover her nakedness while she is in her menstrual uncleanness and then it goes on to Speak about all kinds of things offering your children to Molech, etc

For the rest of the paragraph all very all stuff that you would agree is is absolutely wrong

The question is is that first command that was given also one that applies today or is that just about ceremonial uncleanness?

He says in verse 24 Do not make yourselves unclean by any of these things for by all these the nations

I am driving out before you have become unclean Okay, so this wasn't just a rule that God imposed on the nations or excuse me on the nation of Israel This is a rule he had imposed on all the nations and he said it is because of that They were being driven out because they had violated this kind of cleanliness

It says in Leviticus 20 verse 18 very similar context The man lies with the woman during her menstrual period and uncovers her nakedness

He has made naked her fountain and she has uncovered the fountain of her blood

Both of them shall be cut off from among their people Goes on for a couple more verses gives things that everyone would agree are

Absolutely wrong and then it says in verse 22 You shall therefore keep all my statutes and all my rules and do them

That the land where I am bringing you to live may not vomit you out And you shall not walk in the customs of the nations that I am driving out before you for they did all these things

And therefore I detested them. Okay, so this is not just a matter of ceremonial cleanness.

This is a matter of This is something that God had held the nation's to additionally so if you're using that likewise as a parameter for what a normal time away from intimacy in an extended sense might look like that should also give you a parameter that that is

More that is a that is a long time. Okay, that is a long time this week

It would be a long time All right now One more thing that I think you should consider and this

I believe is probably the most helpful thing to think about It's in Hebrews 13 for says let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous

Now notice that that frames it both positively and negatively Says let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled

If you were inclined to read the first half of that verse as just saying let there not be adultery

Then what was the second half therefore? Okay, the second half which is forbidding adultery is something different than the first half is talking about when it says let the marriage bed

Be held in honor. There is a positive Honoring of the marriage bed that should happen. The marriage bed is dead.

It is not being honored that way of speaking of The husband and wife's

Chambers, it's the marriage bed. I think is instructive. It is not just a bed. It is a marriage bed why would it if we are called to positively honor it and I do not say this by way of trying to make heavy burdens on anyone once again, this is the most blessed thing that God has given in this earth in a lot of ways the

Why would it not be that unless there be some hindrance the marriage bed be positively honored every time it is used and That be the norm

Okay, so don't think just primarily in times of physical needs, etc

Those are all good parameters think also about the positive duty to honor the marriage bed

Should there be no hindrances to honoring the marriage bed? this is something that can build up the health of marriage and God has given it once again for our good now if you and looking at your own life, whether you be unmarried and have not held the marriage bed in honor and the ways that you are called to by avoiding lust fornication

If you are one who in marriage has not held in honor by Denying your spouse by not granting them the authority that they have over you by not granting them due benevolence

Confess this before the Lord and likewise if you are married confess this before your spouse Bring these things to the

Lord and he will forgive Christ who has gone to the cross.

Remember what it what is it that he has done? He has given of himself completely This one who is high over all did not consider it too much to become the servant of all all the way even to the cross obeying

God this one who has Given of himself.

So fully is not that righteousness? Sufficient for your lack thereof when you have not given of yourself.

It is sufficient He will forgive and I know that this is something that is not

Spoken of very much. And so maybe these are the first first time you're hearing these things and so maybe there's a long history of Failure here that you weren't even aware of and now as you think about this and there's some conviction

God He is merciful. He is merciful. He forgives And he sanctifies.

This is something that you can grow in. This is something that he will bless And you can say as we see the picture of Christ in the church in the

Song of Solomon I Am I beloved and my beloved in my beloved is mine, right?

That sense of mutual authority that they own each other. They have a claim on each other

Several I'd like to give you a number of Applications. I know this whole thing has been fairly application oriented, but I've got a

I've got a long list of other things I'd like to instruct you with for those who are married ongoing You should have some policies that you think about first of all never say no to your spouse in this area unless there's some you know

Serious pressing thing or something that would make it immoral. Don't don't say no never reject.

They have authority over you Secondly never say yes begrudgingly. This is something that should be done.

Cheerfully. This is supposed to be a cheerful thing So don't say no and don't say yes begrudgingly

Likewise Don't wait to be asked every time This is something where you should be giving of yourself in a way that understands that this is what is due

Romans 13 says oh no man anything. It's saying that in the context of taxes, but it is true in every

Aspect where there is something that is owed. This is a place where things are owed Even if it is not asked for oh, no, man anything

Let's say the if the government did not Let's say they were

Ignore the modern tax situation, which is very complicated let's say they had a very reasonable tax clearly in line with scriptures purposes and They required of you, but they're very lenient in on how fast they follow up Let's say they only follow up once every year

See if you've paid it or something would that make it right to just hold it as long as you can No, you should you should oh, no man anything.

You should you should give what you're supposed to give Right. Same thing is true here. Don't wait for it to be asked multiple times or even once necessarily

Give give proactively approach this whole thing proactively and Likewise on the other end of that don't expect your spouse to know everything you want

First of all men and women are different. Okay, so just just communicate don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader because they aren't going to be a mind reader and Do not resent your spouse for for desiring you.

Okay, that is a that is a good thing It's a good thing a marriage if your spouse desires you do not resent them for that Now for those who have wronged

Another and this may be once again outside of marriage or within marriage Maybe you're hearing some of these things and you've wronged your you've wronged your spouse and how you've approached this

Once again confess to your spouse, but I would likewise encourage you To do some soul -searching about how it is that things should have gone.

Don't just Seek some forgiveness and then leave it there one of the things that is described about repentance multiple times in Scripture but especially

Psalm 51 one of the best passages we have on repentance is that David longs for repentance

Because then he will or longs for forgiveness because then he will teach transgressors

God's ways. Okay, you should be thinking not only about forgiveness from God and forgiveness from your spouse

But part of what repentance looks like in significance things is being eager to teach transgressors

God's ways. This is something where a lot of people are not This is not spoken about the way it should be it's spoken about by the world too much in ways

It shouldn't be and then by Christians probably too little These are things where you can teach transgressors

God's ways you might have a lot of opportunity to Titus 2 describes women teaching wives how to love their husbands and The implication is that husbands as well.

Would this not be included now? Obviously there are appropriate ways to have such conversations

But you should be thinking about how you can how you can teach others. Do not let your failures and only in the blessing of Grace received from Christ such that you would know your forgiveness

Think about how it could be something much more like David pictures it in Psalm 51 that you might teach transgressors his ways

Now if you have been wronged in this Address it you ought to address it if you are married to a

Christian That gives you additional room to address it because Matthew 18

Describes what you do if your brother or sister sins against you go and show him his fault

Etc. Follow the steps given in Matthew 18. Do not Think that this is outside of the the categories of what can be addressed is well within it

I Occasionally, I feel like it's once a year or so. I come across a secular article that is very, you know,

I search for Puritan things a lot and And I search for Puritan things on marriage a lot and occasionally

I come across secular article that is very excited about the fact that they discovered that New England Puritans have a number of recorded

Church discipline cases about this about a spouse not giving due benevolence to the other and it's always they find this so funny because They think of Puritans as being very anti Anti sex, right?

But this is this is of course not the picture that you have among the faithful the faithful care about this and they are willing to approach this sin as they would any other and Do not be afraid of the consequences of doing this a lot of people look at what the

Bible says about divorce that God hates Divorce and they fear that and they think it is their job to ensure the outcome.

Do not think that way Do not confuse God's priorities of good things with your priorities of duties

Okay, you have a duty in a circumstance where your brother sins against you

This is something that you should address and it is wrong to not address it

Many people do this many pastors. I know many pastors who are Who I've heard and maybe

I don't know all of them personally But I've heard the story enough time of pastors who are personally Calvinist but choose not to preach on the doctrines of grace because they know that it would upset some people and they think it might divide

The church and they think that their job is to keep the church together rather than to preach the truth and so they are thinking of They are thinking of their duty to preach the truth as being subordinate to the outcome

They are trying to go for many people think this way about rebuke about Matthew 18. They think okay

Well the the desired result is this person repenting and so I evaluate in my mind Is this going to produce the desired result and then that determines whether I not whether or not

I pursued the duty that God has Given me here. Don't confuse those things. Don't confuse the result that God has

God would prefer God speaks as being good To your duty in the matter pursue this seriously and Yeah, and this is something that even if you are

If you are not married to a Christian still, this is a duty to repeat.

Do not be worried about that outcome of Divorce once again

God has given His priorities, but he's also given you your priorities of duties and so do not abdicate the authority that you have here remind your spouse frequently of their duties and I would also add that because this is the essence of marriage it is a

Covenant to be one flesh the one who has fully and finally rejected their spouse has committed a

Substantive transgression of that covenant Such that it authorizes divorce. Okay. So do you hear what

I'm saying? This is when people talk about adultery or abandonment Okay abandonment doesn't have to mean, you know, not being physically present in the home.

It can be a Full and final abandonment of this duty that God has given because this is the essence of the covenant, right?

remember we don't have to what Jesus is telling them is While all these verses that you may find in 1st

Corinthians are helpful Well, the verses that you find in the law of Moses may be helpful It can all be derived from the one fact that this is what the covenant is is to be one flesh

So the one who refuses to do that fully and finally, you know, not they're just infrequent etc is

Has abandoned the covenant and they this is a substantive transgression of it that would authorize divorce

Okay Now to those who are Especially to those who are newly married or will be married and Be thinking about these kinds of things is something that is okay to ask for help in Opposite of what

I said about teachings transgressors your ways Yeah, you can go to those who who have learned from their own mistakes and find things out about this

Okay, that is not off the table and go into this not Anticipating that everything is going to be as easy as could possibly be

Anticipate this to be a duty that will have its trials, etc So come in with the right expectations not thinking that things are going to be just perfectly easy for those who are not married and Are pursuing marriage?

This is all the reason to Choose your spouse very wisely now,

I would not some people would focus so much on choosing a spouse wisely that they

Basically are discouraging marriage anybody who has heard me talking this enough news that that's not what I'm doing

But think wisely about this. Okay, the Bible talks about the woman who is a contentious woman

It talks about a woman who has a quiet Submissive spirit this will and I am speaking mostly to men because that is the shape of this often

This will be reflected in the bedroom, this is not something where It just it just exists as a problem outside the bedroom.

It was brought into the bedroom a lot of people Think that marital bliss is determined by how it physically attractive the other party is and aren't thinking about what

About what the bedroom dynamic will look like depending on whether or not that person is going to fill their role as a spouse either loving as a husband or Respecting and fearing as a wife is called to so think about this.

Do not be do not be ignorant Okay, that would be a very foolish thing to think that this will be just simply taken care of and you can you know marry the contentious woman or the the brute of a husband etc, and that won't be reflected in the

Main essence of what marriage is And then for those who are not married and shall not be married

Take this Opportunity one to rid yourself of envy any envy that you may have

There's a good opportunity and thinking about there are Difficulties that husband and wife face as a good opportunity for you to remove any grumbling that you may have but then in Addition Knowing what scripture says scripture is given to you as well

You have an opportunity likewise to encourage those who are going into a task that you will not yourself have to face

It is welcome for you to encourage as well God has given a wonderful thing in marriage.

It reflects Christ in the church and We see the statement that is given of Christ in the church

I am I beloved and my beloved is mine. Amen Dear Heavenly Father.

We thank you for the blessing that marriage is we ask that in this age where marriage is so Is treated so poorly and thought so little of that you would make us a people who honor marriage

May the marriage bed be held in honor among all and let it be undefiled