Conflict Resolution (rerun)

Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry coming to you from Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston. No Compromise Radio is a program dedicated to the ongoing proclamation of Jesus Christ, based on the theme in Galatians 2, verse 5, where the Apostle Paul said, �But we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.

In short, if you like smooth, watered-down words to make you simply feel good, this show isn�t for you. By purpose, we are first biblical, but we can also be controversial. Stay tuned for the next 25 minutes as we�re called by the divine trumpet to summon the troops for the honor and glory of her King.

Here�s our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth.

Identity, Grace Alone, and the Day's Topic

Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry. Mike Abendroth here, that is right, Mike Abendroth, sinner saved by grace alone, through faith alone, through Christ alone, through the scriptures alone. To God alone be the glory.

I�d like to talk today about the topic of, drumroll, what�s the one drum pony here today? Conflict resolution. 24 minutes and 30 seconds about conflict resolution. I went to school with a man named Peter Wise, W-I-S-E.

What a great name. So much better than Peter Stupid, Peter Fool, Peter Ignoramus. Peter Wise gave me lots of good information on conflict resolution, and I�m going to use some of his material today. It�s been so long since I�ve used it.

I don�t know what part�s his, what part�s mine, what part�s this, what�s part of that, so I�m just going to give the disclaimer at the beginning. If there�s anything good I said, it�s probably from, of course, A, scripture, or B, from Peter Wise.

If it�s something dopey that I said, you can blame Peter and Maynard for that. Hello! All right, here�s what we�re going to talk about today. Conflict resolution. Conflicts are a given in society. If you�re married, they�re a given at home.

Certainly, husband, wife, children, all sinners. Men and women are different, different backgrounds, different personalities, different worldviews maybe sometimes, I don�t even know. Not glorified, that�s for certain, and so they are given.

If you�re in a church, you have conflicts in a church. Why? Sinful, not glorified, not everybody thinking correctly about biblical wisdom through the apostles and the apostolic messengers. If you�re at work, and you�re even at a Christian company, wouldn�t that be neat to work at a Christian company?

There are still going to be conflicts because people are prideful, righteous, maybe just disagree, see things differently, and so it�s good for you to know to have a database, an asset base, so that you would know how to resolve conflicts biblically.

That would be better than resolving conflicts unbiblically, resolving conflicts sinfully. I guess there�s something worse than having a sinful conflict, not all conflicts are, but if you have a sinful conflict, then resolving it sinfully would make matters worse.

And so I want to make sure today you think through the issues on how to handle conflicts biblically. So we go back to 1 Corinthians chapter 10, verse 31, �Whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God, including resolving conflicts.

I think you could even take a look at conflicts as beneficial for marriage, beneficial for the church, beneficial for work, beneficial for the home or wherever else you have conflicts. Because then you realize this other person will sharpen me, iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, Proverbs 27, 17, that you can be exposed to your own sinfulness and your own pride and self-will so that you can learn how to continually say no to self, die to self.

You are to be thankful for all things, according to 1 Thessalonians, so you might as well be thankful for trials. And even when it was trials for persecution�s sake, Peter says, �In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith being more precious than gold, which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

I think these things actually can be very, very helpful. Conflicts can make you search the Scriptures. Conflicts can teach you how to communicate better with one another. Conflicts can give you opportunities to humble yourself and serve others like you would serve Christ Jesus.

Conflicts that create sin�actually, you create the sin, but that, you know, formulate and give bed to and give seed to and germinate sin, gives you an opportunity to then confess sin and please God as you respond now finally the right way, could force you to depend on the Lord in prayer.

And so if you realize that conflicts actually can be good and you can handle them in a good way, I think that�s a good starting point. We do know that all conflicts are ordained by God. Everything is ordained by God under the decree of God.

Of course, everything in the Scriptures give us the revealed mind of God, but we know the decreed will of God, the decreed will, the sovereign will of God, whatever happens, we look in the past and we see that was ordained by God, up to and including the crucifixion of Christ Jesus.

Even sin, even death, even the death of Jesus Christ was ordained by God. And so if these things are ordained by God, our response is going to be critical. That�s the real issue, isn�t it? How do I respond to this conflict?

What do I do while I�m in this fight, argument, tiff, etc.? As a matter of fact, if you have conflicts in the church or at home or at work, you don�t have to go hide yourself. Let�s just talk about the one at home especially.

I think kids need to watch parents righteously handle conflict. I think children, if they see conflicts handled sinfully and then the parents both repent and ask for forgiveness, that should also show children, this is what we do after we make a mistake, after we sin.

What do we do? We are sinners and when we sin, what is the response now going to be? So let me give you some principles for conflict resolution in the remainder of today�s show. And let me start off with some don�ts and then let�s give up some do�s.

Three Things Not to Do in Conflict

So if you fight a lot, argue, if you ever do, I�m sure you do, as often as you do, this is what you ought not to do. How does that sound? Boy, that is interesting. I should quote myself on that. Do not bring up past resolved conflicts.

Don�t bring up past resolved conflicts. If you have resolved the conflict, then you ought not to bring it up again. If you are to forgive like Christ forgives, then you don�t bring it up again. Psalm 103 verse 12 says, �As far as the east is from the west, so far has He, God, removed our transgressions from us.

How often does Jesus bring up the sins, past sins, of forgiven people? I don�t think He brings them up at all. We don�t want to get in a fight and then say, �By the way, remember what you did last time, especially if it�s resolved.

If it�s not resolved, then I think it could be fair to say, �We never resolved the last conflict, and until we do, these things will keep happening regarding this issue. So forgive like God does, don�t bring up some kind of matter and repeat it over and over and over when it�s already been confessed, when you�ve already granted forgiveness, because you�re just adding sin now to that process.

Number two, principles for conflict resolution. Don�t, number two, don�t escalate the conflict. Don�t escalate the conflict. How do you escalate conflicts? Well, you could call people names, idiot, stupid, you know, you�re a slob.

Or you could escalate by using insults, sarcasm, ridicule. You could say things like, �I�m going to overstate this by exaggerating so I�ll win my point better. You never do that. You always do that.

I think it might be better to say, �You frequently say this. You regularly do that. You don�t want a mind read. That could escalate the conflict, somehow attributing evil motives to others. Only God knows the heart.

By the way, why don�t we attribute good motives very often when we mind read? We don�t want to do that. The Lord weighs the heart, Proverbs 21, 2. You don�t want to induce guilt. That will escalate the conflict.

�Look how you�ve made me feel. You don�t want to discredit the person, reject the person, somehow getting revenge or punishment. �I�m going to show you. For marriages, I�ve even heard of one couple that you were supposed to ground the spouse.

�I�m grounding you. Praise the Lord, I�ve never been grounded by my wife. We don�t want to take revenge. Vengeance is mine. I will repay. What should you not do? Number three, the third don�t, don�t complain to your spouse if they don�t understand your preferences.

People all have preferences. If your spouse doesn�t know you hate blue shade carpet, then why would you make a conflict out of that when how would you know the preference to begin with? That seems dumb.

Can I say that? Is that name-calling? Is that escalating the conflict? Maybe this whole ministry that I have, No Compromise Radio Ministry, I should probably send this out to people as I�m increasing conflict by talking about the truth in a blunt way, in a provocative way.

Maybe I�ll have to exercise some of my own don�ts and do�s. I probably should have conflict resolution via email. That�s definitely not a good thing to do. But no, let�s get to the do�s because after all, we have 24 minutes and 30 seconds and I need the last 10 minutes to beg for money, not.

Nine Biblical Do's for Resolving Conflict

Do number one, how to resolve a conflict to the glory of God. One, be wise about what battles you choose to fight. Be wise about what battles you choose to fight. I mean, you�re a sinner, your spouse is a sinner, you�re a sinner, other people at the church are sinners, you�re a sinner, your boss is a sinner, your employees are sinners, your co-employees are sinners, your co-bosses are sinners, everywhere you go there are sinners.

And so you have to be strategic when it comes to knowing what battle you choose to fight. I think confrontation should be few and rare. If you don�t have conversations sparsely, then I think you�re rebuking too much.

Rebuking is not a spiritual gift. Do not be some kind of over-confronter. Attack one problem at a time, but don�t have so many we�ve got to talk, pull people to the side, because it�s going to show your impatience, it�s going to show your spiritual weakness, and you ought to regularly cover sins.

I�m getting ahead of myself. Number two, every conflict should not be at the same intensity. Minor issues that need to be resolved should have the emotional meter on �minor. Major ones, maybe you put the emotional meter up to the red, but you want to make sure you keep the drama down, proverbially don�t make a mountain out of a molehill.

Minor issues are minor. You want to escalate a conflict, just have everything at Mach 500. Number three, overlook sins and conflicts often. This is very, very important. 1 Peter 4, verse 8, �Above all.

Can you imagine? Above all. 1 Peter 4, verse 8, �Above all. Above all. Above all. Above all. Keep fervent in your love for one another. That sounds like the second great commandment, doesn�t it? Because love covers a multitude of sins.

Keep fervent. Stretch out. Strain. Sin you strained. Every muscle and fiber strained. You dropped something behind the couch and you�re trying to reach for it with your fingers kind of barely moving. You�ve almost got it.

Your middle finger almost is touching it. You�re straining your shoulder, your neck. You have to take some Advil afterwards. That�s that word here for fervently. Strain in your love for one another. Cover a multitude of sins.

It doesn�t say expose every sin. Try to resolve every sin. Just cover sins. And if you�re married, you should say to yourself, �I�m going to treat my spouse the way I�d like to be treated, and that is when I sin.

But it doesn�t break fellowship. Just cover the sin. Cover, cover, cover, cover, cover. Sins that need to be dealt with, then let�s deal with it and resolve this conflict. Proverbs 19 .11, �A man�s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

It�s not a glory to expose every problem and have some kind of big conflict regularly and often. That�s no glory to you. You shouldn�t be prideful in doing that. Well, you know, I�m doing what the Bible says in Matthew 18.

I believe Matthew 18. I believe it�s true. I believe that�s how we deal with sin. But there are other verses, and some verses say cover a multitude of sins. Some verses say overlook. Interestingly, in Proverbs 19, transgressions, not sins.

Oh, you missed the mark. I�ll overlook it. Missed the mark. Didn�t hit the bullseye. I�ll overlook it. This is a transgression. This is intentional. This is forceful. Hear this formidable, aggressive sin is covered?

That�s a glory? Yes, because you realize very quickly the rest of Matthew 18 talks about not just confronting sin, but realizing how many sins God has forgiven you, therefore you forgive other people.

How many sins did Jesus die for in your place, on your behalf, in your stead? Every one worthy of an eternal hell, and Jesus receives the full wrath of God, the holy God, righteous wrath. No shortcuts to justice.

Jesus pays for your sin, and therefore ought you not to forgive other people�s sins? Number four. No compromise radio here today. We�re talking about conflict resolution. The fourth do. When I was a kid, I was watching Romper Room, I think.

It was the do-bees and the don�t-bees. These all imply, by the way, any kind of to-do list, any kind of don�t list, any kind of how-to list, means that you�re a Christian. You�re working out of your position in Christ Jesus.

You�re in Christ, therefore because of who you are, act like this. By the grace and power and mercy of the Spirit of God, think this way. So I�m giving you a list of imperatives, but assuming that if you�re a Christian, you�ll realize that you are who you are based on your union with Christ Jesus.

Number four. Be a peacemaker. Be a peacemaker. If possible, Romans 12, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. And you just have this atmosphere that A .T. Robertson, oh no, actually R .T. Archibald, that�s kind of mixed up, isn�t it?

R .T. Archibald said, �Peacemakers carry about with them an atmosphere in which quarrels die a natural death. Isn�t that interesting? You could ask yourself the question when it comes to conflicts. If you�re married or you�re at church or someplace else, are you the first one to give in, to go and to fall on the sword and try to make up?

Or when it comes to stalemates, are you the one sitting there thinking, you know, he�s got to come to me first, she�s got to come to me? Now, certainly, males, husbands are leaders, and therefore they are the ones responsible to initiate as leaders.

But if you�re a wife and you never go to your husband and say, you know, what I did was wrong, and please forgive me, and all these kind of things, and you always wait for the husband. Oh, he�s the leader.

He has to start first. When you�re at fault, you ought to go. And so be the first to give in. Peacemakers aren�t proud. They realize what they�ve committed, sins against God and how much they�re forgiven.

That is completely and fully and at the expense of Christ. And so, go fall on the sword. Pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another, Romans 14, 19. Hebrews 12, 14, �Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.

Number five, what to do when you�re actually in the conflict. I think you should work through some of these issues. What are the real issues at hand? There are fake issues, contributing issues, but what�s the root issue?

State how the problem affects you. This is how the problem affects me. The other person, this is how the problem affects me. Discuss what you�re contributing to the problem. Discuss what the other party�s contributing to the problem.

Use questions to try to phrase things properly. Peter Wise says, Jesus did not say, �Peter, I�m offended by your hypocritical love. What an act of sinful cowardice. How could you of all people do such a thing?

He said, �Peter, do you what? Love me. That is a skillful question. You should discuss and evaluate possible solutions and brainstorm on how to resolve it. Maybe you could talk about past attempts to resolve the issue that were unsuccessful.

You could enlist the help of each other. Could you please help me in this area where I struggle, but here�s how I�d ask that you help me. Ask what you can do to improve the situation. And then, this is important, agree on one solution to try.

Let�s try this. Let�s try this from now on regarding this particular topic. It�s very important if you�re in marriage. Reaffirm each other. Really important if you�re in church. I love you. And then reaffirm your goal to glorify God in the marriage or in the church.

There are bigger stakes here than just our marriage. We�re pointing to Christ. There are bigger stakes than just you and I in the church because we are part of the body of Christ, the bride of Christ.

And then after you�re done, change the subject. Change the subject. If you�re husband and wife, go out on a date or go get some ice cream or some other comfort food. Just kidding. Go out. I don�t care if you eat ice cream or not.

Go out. And if you�re a church member, then go find a ministry and go do it together. Number six. The sixth do. Keep your emotions subservient to your mind and the Word. If you let your emotions run in conflict resolution, you�re going to be in big trouble.

Happiest he who keeps the law. Do the right thing. Your emotions follow. You don�t want to say, �I can�t control myself. Proverbs 25, 28, �Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.

Implication? You can control yourself. Especially if you�re a Christian, you have the Spirit of God. You know, you are fighting with your spouse and the phone rings, and instead of screaming at your spouse, you say, �Hi, how are you

�Hello. You can control yourself. Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience. Number seven. Remember that sooner or later a conflict must be dealt with, so finish and get it resolved with right away.

I think it�s wise who said a half-settled argument is an ongoing argument. So, go ahead and deal with it. If not, remember love is patient, love is kind. Number eight. Ties have to be broken at the marriage level by leadership, the husband.

Church skirmishes. If you need to have somebody break the tie, go to the elders, go to the pastor. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be subject to their husbands and everything.

Be a man and make a loving decision. Don�t say, �Well, honey, what do you think we should do You could say, �Could you please tell me what you think we should do, and then now here�s the decision I think we ought to make.

Two men lived in a small village, got into a terrible dispute, and they could not resolve the issue. So, they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage�s home and told his version of what happened.

When he finished, the sage said, �You�re absolutely right. The next night, the second man called the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, �You�re absolutely right. Afterward, the sage�s wife scolded her husband, �Those men told you two different stories, and you told them both they were absolutely right?

That�s impossible. They can�t both be absolutely right. The sage turned to his wife and said, �You�re absolutely right. David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day. Number nine, lastly, do not worry.

One day your spouse will be glorified. One day that other church member will be glorified. One day that Christian co-worker will be glorified. One day you�ll be glorified. So why worry? I remember MacArthur would always say, �I don�t worry about where people are in the ministry around the local church because I know one day where they�ll be.

Of course, we want to attend to people where they are, but I think John�s point in this context is clear. One day people will all be glorified. So why worry, worry, worry, worry, worry, fret, worry, worry, worry, fret over people when they�ll be glorified one day and in heaven you�ll never have to worry about them because they�ll be perfect, not just positionally, but practically.

And so let�s not worry about all these things. If you have a conflict, that should, I guess I should say now, maybe conflict should spur you on to think more about heaven where there are no conflicts.

Can you imagine no conflicts in heaven? That makes me want to go to heaven. I�m so tired right now. I�d like to take a nap. Can you imagine no naps in heaven? You don�t need a nap in heaven. That would be great.

So what we�re talking about today at No Compromise, I was going to say No Conflict Resolution Radio, nocompromiseradio .com is conflict resolution. I think if you work on yourself by the Spirit of God�s power through the Word of God and become a better Christian, practically, you�ll have better conflicts because you�ll exude more of the Spirit of God�s work in your life like love, joy, and peace, all the way through self-control.

And if you have a confrontation that you�d like to have with that kind of person, you realize that would be a sweet confrontation. That would be a sweet conflict, I guess is what I�m trying to say. You want to resolve a conflict with a mature person, wouldn�t you?

So why don�t you work on becoming a mature person? This is Mike Abendroth, No Compromise Radio Ministry, and I finished within a minute and a half to spare. How can that be? How can that be? Let me read you James chapter 1.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, not all of James 1, but some, when you encounter various trials. So you have a trial, you have a conflict. Consider it joy. Why? Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect, but complete, lacking in nothing. Now, in the context of trials, listen to what James goes on to say that will be perfect for conflict resolution.

Because I haven�t talked about prayer yet. But if any of you lacks wisdom for this particular trial, context for today�s show, conflict resolution. I don�t know what to do. I don�t know what to say. I don�t know how to go about it.

Let him ask of God for wisdom. God, give me wisdom. Give me understanding. Give me insight. Help me see the problem the way the other person sees it. Who gives wisdom generously to all men without reproach, and it will be given to him.

But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. If you�re in a conflict and you�re a Christian, ask God for help. Boy, that�s an odd concept.

That�s a new concept. That�s a wonderful concept. No Compromise Radio Ministry here. Info at NoCompromiseRadio .com. You have a question, you have a comment, you want to say something good, you want to give me an email that says you disagree, I�d love to have all those kind of emails.

God bless you.

No Compromise Radio with Pastor Mike Abendroth is a production of Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston. Bethlehem Bible Church is a Bible teaching church firmly committed to unleashing the life-transforming power of God�s Word through verse-by-verse exposition of the sacred text.

Please come and join us. Our service times are Sunday morning at 1015 and in the evening at 6. We�re right on Route 110 in West Boylston. You next time.