Episode 609: TLP 609: Equipping Our Children to Shame Us

Parenting Is About Worshiping God, Not Managing Shame

Neither you nor I want our kids to bring us shame, but unfortunately that too often doesn't motivate us to play the part God wants us to play in the situation. Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids.

Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth Love Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome to the show.

Today, we're talking about all the things you need to do to equip your kids to bring.

You shame.

That's right, we have it all. In fact, I'm sure that you don't even have to do the whole list in order to set your kids on the road to shame. One or two will probably do the job. Of course, if you've been with us for any period of time, you know I'm being facetious.

No one wants their kids to bring them shame. And yet, far too often, the parenting we believe to be positive and nurturing actually ends up setting them on that very road. So that's our real goal today.

We want to learn what things we need to avoid so that, Lord willing, our kids do not shame us now or in the future. To that end, we have free episode notes, a transcript, and a bunch of related resources linked for you in the description of this episode.

Each item there will help you better know, understand, and put into practice the biblical truths we're going to study today. And lastly, if you're new to the show, be sure to hit that subscribe button so that you never miss an opportunity to be challenged and edified in your biblical parenting.

Shame in a Culture That Rejects It

In our modern American culture, shame is a very bad word. No one wants to be shamed, and most people will argue that it's not right to shame others. But of course, that doesn't stop them from shaming the people they believe need to be shamed.

And the idea that our kids may one day bring us shame is also unappreciated because the belief is that our kids need to be whoever or whatever they want to be and that whatever they choose is perfect and acceptable and beautiful and just what the world needed.

Therefore, to suggest that someone's character and actions cause another person's shame is decidedly unthinkable. And if you're the type of person who would suggest that, well, shame on you. But the Bible actually has a lot to say about shame, the good kind, the bad kind, the things that bring about shame, and we need to base our parenting off God's opinions, not man's.

Speaking of man's versus God's opinions about shame, we did a short series called Children and Shame. In that series, we talk about a wrong secular idea and contrast it with what the Bible has to say about good shame and bad shame.

We're not going to be talking about bad shame on today's episode, so if you're curious what kind of shame is unacceptable for a Christian to experience, you definitely need to listen to those three episodes.

The passage with which I'd like to start comes from the book of Proverbs. Proverbs 19 .26 says, According to the Lord's inspired word, children who are physically violent to their parents bring shame and humiliation to their parents.

So yes, there are definitely things that children can be and do that should cause us shame. And there are also things that we, the parents, too often do that set our kids up to shame.

Us.

But before we dive into the numerous scriptures before us today, I'd like to invite you to partner with Truth Love Family in our mission to equip families all over the world to worship and glorify God.

This podcast is just one of the ways we do this. We also have a book about family strife and a bunch of digital resources on the Evermind.

App.

But we sell things at such a low profit that none of our sales gets us anywhere near covering our operating costs. And as a nonprofit, it was never really designed to work that way. Nonprofits are able to function because people like you partner with them and support them with your one-time and monthly donations.

So in preparation for celebrating our 10th year of family ministry, we're trying to raise $100 ,000. Now that may not sound like a lot, or it may sound like a big number, but remember that I do this ministry full-time and my monthly salary is only $500.

So yes, part of that will go to providing me a living wage, but the rest of it will allow us to cover our operating expenses and start a bunch of new projects. I have so many ideas for online courses, books, training workshops, and even the dream of opening a brick and mortar counseling center in Brevard, North Carolina, where I live.

So will you please visit TruthLoveParent .com forward slash donate and give so that we can go into our 11th year of ministry with $100 ,000 in the bank. We and the families to whom we minister will greatly appreciate it.

And regardless of the size of your gift, all donations are 100 tax deductible. And with that, let's get into the meat of things. If you want your kids to bring you shame, number one, don't reprove your child.

Proverbs 29 15 warns that the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. We've talked so much about reproof on the show. I will provide a number of resources in the description if you don't know or understand what biblical reproof is and how it works.

Suffice it to say, though, biblical reproof is when our child is doing, saying, feeling, thinking, wanting, or believing something that God says is a sin. And we show them what's wrong by using the scriptures and reinforcing the reproof with consequences when needed.

This involves persuasively showing our kids the truth so that they acknowledge and believe it and understand that they need to change, you know, basic parenting stuff. Only unlike the world, we want to root our children's behavior in God's expectations.

For them.

It's not about what we want or what the world says about their behavior. It's about what their creator deems best for them. If we don't do this, our children will grow up believing that what feels right is perfectly acceptable.

If they don't have anyone telling them that their way is wrong and destructive, if they don't have anyone showing them a better way, they'll either continue on as they are, or they may change when, by the grace of God, the unavoidable painful consequences of their choices open their eyes to the need for change.

However, left to themselves, they will likely continue worshiping at the altar of self, and they will inevitably bring shame to themselves and you. Proverbs 13, 18 says, Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is honored.

Ephesians 5, 12 communicates something very powerful.

It says,.

For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. If it's shameful to talk about it in unnecessary detail, then you better believe their disobedience. Romans 6, 20 -21 asks a weighty question, For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.

Therefore, what benefit were you then having from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. The sin in which we slavishly live and for which we should be reproved has no benefit and we should come to be ashamed of it because it does nothing good for us.

In Revelation 3, 14 -22, as he counsels the church in Laodicea about their lukewarm disobedience,.

Jesus says,.

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments, so that you may clothe yourself, and the shame of your nakedness may not be.

Seen.

Jesus is figuratively comparing their sin to nakedness for which they should be ashamed, and he calls them to repent and to put on garments of righteousness and purity. So by all means, if you want your child to bring you shame, don't reprove him or her, or don't reprove them in Christ-honoring ways.

Ignore their shameful sin. Be lazy in your parenting. Believe the lie that quote-unquote peace comes from never contradicting anyone. Give in to your fear of your child's reprisal. Buy into the secular ideology that the behaviors and attitudes the Bible says need to be reproved are actually acceptable and healthy.

Do any or all of these things and your child will, but by the grace of God, bring shame to themselves and you. And not only that, but you'll actually be multiplying the shame and strife in your family because any of all of those approaches are in themselves sinful.

And we should be ashamed to be parenting in any of those ways. Of course, the impact of a shameful child on us really mustn't be our motivation. If you've been with us for any period of time, you know that our main motivation must be the glory that God deserves.

Our shameful child is first and foremost displeasing the Lord by failing to give him the worship he deserves. Secondly, the shameful child is already experiencing the unavoidable consequences of his or her choices.

And third, one of those very real consequences is how their sin affects us. My only point here is not to act shamefully yourself by changing your parenting solely so that you can avoid having kids who will bring you shame.

Parent not for the society or for your kids or even for your own comfort. Parent to please your Creator, Savior, and King. Make that your main motivation. Now there's a lot more to say today, but by the end of the show, I believe we're all going to learn that everything else that follows flows from this one point.

If we don't do this one thing, any number of the following will unravel from it because everything else we're going to discuss are the specifics regarding the proof we should be giving. For example, number two, don't reprove your children about their laziness.

Proverbs 10 .5 says, he who gathers in summer is a son who acts insightfully, but he who sleeps in harvest is a son who acts shamefully. When we allow our kids to do a sloppy job on their homework, skip important steps in their chores or not have any chores at all, play first and work later, cut corners, display a bad attitude while working, show up late to a job without apology, spend all their time on their phones, a game system, or in front of the TV, or simply refuse to lift a finger for anything that they think isn't fun, we're actually equipping them to be lazy and inevitably reap shame.

We have many resources specifically about chores and worshiping God in our school and work and I'll link those for you in the description. Number three, don't reprove your children about their violence.

As we saw earlier in Proverbs 19 .26, he who assaults his father and causes his mother to flee is a son who brings shame and humiliation. I'm sure we can all understand this. The idea that our kids might one day abuse or murder someone is clearly hard to swallow, and I think most professing Christians would be appalled if their kids were constantly getting even into fights.

But the idea that the child would enact this violence against his or her parents, his mother or her mother in particular, should make our hearts sick. Despite the egregious nature of sinful violence, I've known far too many people who turn a blind eye to their child slapping, hitting, kicking, biting, and other violent actions.

I've watched children hit and kick their parents, but the parents either ignore it or even laugh.

It off.

I even saw a kid hit his pregnant mother in the stomach and the mother made an excuse for him. The issue here is often fourfold. First, this often starts early and the child is usually so young that their violence doesn't truly cause actual physical pain.

Second, we imagine it's just a phase, they'll outgrow. Third, we've been told that their behavior is either unavoidable or appropriate. Unavoidable because of their quote-unquote condition or appropriate because they're just experimenting with their quote-unquote big feelings.

And fourth, too many parents are afraid of what may happen to them if they actually reprove their children as they should. I believe more dads and especially moms are parenting to be accepted by their children in society than are parenting to do what needs to be done and glorify the Lord.

And yes, I know it's crazy to suggest, but if you allow inappropriate violent behavior from your three-year-old, you had better expect the behavior to continue and intensify when he's 13 and 23. Now, there is appropriate roughhousing and physicality that can be aggressive when done in an appropriate way with the appropriate people at the appropriate time and with the appropriate attitude.

I've been teaching the martial arts for over 30 years. I'm not a weak-wristed pacifist who doesn't understand that God expects us to use our physical strength to lovingly keep violence biblically accountable.

And yes, I have an episode about that as well. The violence we're talking about here today is the unloving behavior designed to cause someone harm. By the way, on our Parenting Angry Children series, we also talk about what the Bible has to say about malice, and we detail how we can help our malicious children change to the glory of God.

Now, based solely off the book of Proverbs and the ones that speak to the children bringing their parents shame, if you don't reprove your child concerning their sin, they will bring shame to God, themselves, and you.

And we could end here because the first issue, and more specifically the next two, are all too commonly allowed in most homes in the world, including professing Christian homes. If we simply started with these, we would see a massive change in our culture, our churches, and our homes.

But I want to share in quick succession a number of other things that if you allow them and don't reprove them in your children will bring shame into your child's life, and obviously your own life if you're doing these things.

Pride, Foolishness, and Self-Worship

4. Don't Reprove Your Children About Their Pride and Foolishness. Proverbs 11 .2 reads, When arrogance comes, then comes disgrace. But with the meek is wisdom. Proverbs 18 .13 tells us, He who responds with a word before he hears, it is a folly and shame to him.

1 Corinthians 6 .5 says, I say this to your shame. Is it really this way? There is not one wise man among you who will be able to pass judgment between his brothers? We just recently unpacked the reality that pride and arrogance are at the root of every single sin.

This pride is foolishness. We're falsely applying lies to our choices and subsequently not biblically applying truth to our choices. We need to teach even our youngest kids about the vile nature of pride, arrogance, and foolishness, and we need to teach them to grow in the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom of God.

We have a series called the Teach Your Children to Learn series. It's actually a double series because later on we wrapped back to the original series and went even deeper into the material. We step through what the Bible says about knowledge, understanding, and wisdom and how to help our kids grow in them.

We also have a series dedicated to the opposite side of the coin, how to parent children who are only growing in their foolishness. It's called Parenting a Zombie. This self-focused pride and foolishness is what breeds the next item on the list.

Idolatry, False Reliance, and Earthly-Mindedness

5. Don't Reprove Your Children About Their Idolatry and False Reliance. We've talked a lot about self-worship in this show. I think our Mirrors Christianity series is the best single resource for that discussion.

But if you get your free access to the Evermind app by using the link in the description, then you can see a series of messages I've preached about worship that glorifies God. We know that any worship of anything other than the Lord is an abomination.

But in Hosea 10 .6, we read a prophecy about what will happen if the children of Israel send one of their idols to Assyria. The thing itself will be carried to Assyria as tribute to King Jerob. Ephraim will receive shame, and Israel will be ashamed of its own counsel.

In Isaiah 33, Isaiah is warning against the Jews putting their trust in Egypt. Therefore, shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame, and the trust in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation. When we elevate our own ideas above God, we're committing idolatry.

When we put more trust in philosophies, nations, and people than we place in the Lord and His Word, we're choosing false gods. That false worship will produce sinful fruit every time. Since we know we have to reprove our kids, we might as well start with the heart and get to the root issue, their beliefs and motivations, because it's pride, foolishness, and idolatry that will produce everything else on the list.

6. Don't reprove your children about their earthly-mindedness. In Philippians 3, 17 -19, we read, Brothers, join in following my example, and look for those who walk according to the pattern you have in us.

For many walk, of whom I have often told you, and now tell you, even crying, as enemies of the cross of Christ, whose end is destruction, whose God is their stomach, and glory is in their shame, who set their thoughts on earthly things.

If we're not consumed with the heavenly, we'll only be able to see the earthly. So many times in the New Testament, we're told to fix our eyes on God, His glory, His will, and His ways. To do otherwise will fill our minds with lies and will lead us to reject Him and His perfect.

Will.

That sin can't do anything else but cause shame in our lives. The last two are going to sound more extreme, but that's the nature of sin. It always takes us further than we ever imagined we'd go. 7. Romans 1 .27, Don't reprove your children about their sexual immorality.

This category does include homosexuality. Romans 1 .27 tells us when men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

Though this passage is revealing the idolatrous roots of homosexuality, it shows us that they're being shameless in their acts. The main point of that word is to reveal that they should feel shame, but they're hardened and deceived.

But that doesn't mean that they aren't acting shamefully and bringing shame into the lives of those who know them. Hosea 4 .18 broadens the conversation to include prostitution. A people without understanding shall come to ruin.

Even when their drinks are gone, they continue their prostitution. Their rulers dearly love shameful ways. But even sinful sexuality that isn't making money is wrong and therefore shameful. In John 8 .11, Jesus says to the woman caught in adultery, I do not condemn you either, go and from now on sin no more.

There in front of anyone in the crowd who was still watching, Jesus loved her enough to forgive her, yes, but also to tell her that what she did was a sin and that she shouldn't do it anymore. She needed to experience good shame and about what she had done so that she could change and grow.

And speaking of adultery, in Matthew 5, Jesus says that lusting after someone is the same as adultery, therefore masturbation, pornography, allowing inappropriate interactions between your children and their crushes, whether it be physical, in text form, through images or simply spoken, all of this will also bring shame.

And finally, number eight, don't reprove your children about their denial of faith. Now please understand that we're not talking about doubts and valuable questions. The point is about when our children are actually ashamed of God.

Mark 8 38 proclaims, for whoever is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the son of man will also be ashamed of him when he comes in the glory of his father with the holy angels.

My friends, I recognize you don't want your kids to bring God themselves and you shame any more than I want my kids to live shameful lives. But the fact of the matter is that when we don't biblically reprove our kids as we should, and I'll expand this out to include the biblical teaching that should come before reproof, we're paving the way for them to heap shame upon themselves and all who know them.

Whether it's sexual promiscuity or laziness, a denial of God or foolishness, violence or pride, it all results in shame. And God has lovingly called us to worship him with our parenting so that our kids can learn to worship him with their lives.

Faithful Parenting, Not Parental Determinism

Now we do have to make one final observation. Perfect parenting doesn't result in perfect kids. God, the perfect parent, was rejected by his creation over and over. This is not some promise of parental determinism or a call to behavior modification.

Your kids will make their own choices, but that doesn't mean that God can't or won't use your faithful parenting to mature them in his truth. And that's our responsibility before him. Please share this episode with your friends and family.

I'm sure they don't want their kids to shame them either. And remember that you can always email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you'd like some personalized biblical counseling concerning the needs in your family.

And join us next week when we discuss how good parents eat the Bible and ask ourselves if we're really parenting as well as we could. I'll see you then. Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship God through your parenting.

So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness. And remember that TLP is a listener-supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.