TLP 433: Provocative Parenting

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We aren't commanded to engage in jihad, where we slaughter the infidels. No, we're to engage in adoption proceedings where those who were not sons become sons, and where estranged sons become reconciled sons.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. So after finishing our Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face series, and then spending four episodes with The Sutherlands from Gospel Tech, and then hanging out with Chris Casper from Techless, and then the author of Control Girl, Shannon Popkin, I thought maybe it was time for a normal stand -alone

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TLP podcast episode. So here we go, ready to talk about provocative parenting. But before we do that,

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I'd like to invite you to connect with us on social media. The world is a dark place, and social media is becoming darker day by day, and I believe that we

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Christians must shine as brightly and as sharply as we can while it is still called today. So you can join us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, and LinkedIn in order to redeem your newsfeed and gain access to valuable content designed specifically to help you grow.

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Of course, you can also share the content so that your friends can grow too. You can find all of our social links in the description of today's episode or at truthloveparent .com.

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And with that, let's talk about the bad ways to provoke your kids, but then end the discussion looking at the ways

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God expects us to provoke our kids. That's right, provocative parenting isn't always bad.

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Today we plan to look at two passages, with which most of us are very familiar, but we want to investigate them deeper in order to make sure we really know what

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God is describing when it comes to provoking people. Let's start with an English definition of provocation though, before we get to the

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Scriptures. According to Merriam -Webster, provocation is the act of provoking, which can mean any of the following, to call forth, to stir up purposely, to provide the needed stimulus for, to incite to anger, or to arouse to a feeling or action.

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Modern English speakers generally use the word with a negative connotation or outcome. You've probably told your children not to provoke each other, and when we speak of something being provocative, it usually is provoking the wrong responses.

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So, let's go with that one first. Let's start by discussing number one, sinful provocative parenting. Those of you who know the

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Scriptures already know that we're going to look at Ephesians 6 .4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the

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Lord. We're not going to study every word of this verse, though I highly recommend you do so at some time, but there are some important things we need to know.

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First of all, the Greek word translated fathers can be applied to a father and mother. Hebrews 11 .23

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reads, By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that he was a beautiful child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.

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And we know from Exodus 2 .2 that it was primarily Moses' mother who was featured as the one who took the most pains to hide and protect

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Moses. Therefore, everyone, please understand that mothers can be just as sinfully provocative as fathers, and it's important to understand that this command is for both parents.

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Second of all, the Greek word translated provoke shows up only three times in the New Testament.

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The word is actually used twice in Ephesians 6 .4. Both provoke and anger in that verse are the same

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Greek words. We could say, don't anger your children to anger. However, the only other time the word is used is in Romans 10 .19

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where Paul quotes Moses who happens to be quoting God. Moses says, I will make you jealous by that which is not a nation.

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By a nation without understanding will I anger you. In Deuteronomy 32 .21,

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God said through the mouth of Moses, They have made me jealous with what is not God. They have provoked me to anger with their idols, so I will make them jealous with those who are not a people.

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I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. So what's interesting is that God is telling parents not to do to their children what

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God told His children He was going to do to them. So, what was God doing to the children of Israel?

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Well, God was warning them that if they start worshipping idols after they enter the promised land, they would receive the full wrath of God's curses.

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One of those consequences is that the children of Israel would be provoked to anger as they were decimated and taken into captivity by foreign nations.

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Okay, so it's good enough for God, why are we not allowed to do this to our kids? As my wife has wisely observed, there are lots of things

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God can do that we shouldn't. And she's right. This is something I've mentioned before. We parents have not been given punitive authority over our children.

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God reserves that authority for Himself, and He's also given it to the government. But parents do not exercise final punitive authority.

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Yes, we discipline and give consequences, but we do that for the purpose of leading our children to repentance and reconciliation.

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Yes, there are primary consequences to every sin, and we parents need to give our kids the secondary consequences that are designed to point their attention to the primary consequences.

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But we do not enact final judgment and punishment. This is the reason I highly recommend parents remove the words punish, punishment, and punishing from their vocabulary when they are referring to their own parental discipline and consequences.

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Teach your kids that God is the one who will ultimately punish sin on this earth. But also teach them that you and your spouse are there to help your child avoid that consequence.

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Your discipline is designed to reconcile, not condemn. Not hurt for the sake of hurting.

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Your discipline is loving and proactive, with change as the goal. That's what

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God is commanding here. This Ephesians 6 -4 passage is not insinuating that if your kids get mad about something you said or did, that you have sinned.

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This is not a prohibition against dad jokes that annoy your children. Yeah, true love isn't going to seek to annoy or deliberately frustrate someone, but this verse isn't about the anger your kids feel because they don't like you or they disagree with you.

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This verse is teaching us that parents should never seek to anger our children by punishing them, a .k

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.a. acting as their judge, jury, and executioner, and thereby leaving no room for reconciliation, repentance, and forgiveness.

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That's why the second part of the verse contrasts provoking to anger with, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the

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Lord. That discipline and instruction of the Lord leads to life, confession, apologies, reconciliation, and growth.

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You really should check out our Parents 5 Jobs series. It goes into much more practical detail about what discipline and admonition look like in the home.

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Too many parents, though, approach their discipline the wrong way. They lash out in an attempt to make the child feel bad for what they did.

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They act and speak in ways that communicate to the child that there is no hope for them, there is no chance for fixing the sin issue or mending their relationship.

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They simply punish their child for punishment's sake. An extreme version of this is, you're dead to me, you're not my daughter anymore.

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But there are other versions like, you're hopeless, you're never going to change. The companion passage to Ephesians 6 .4

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is Colossians 3 .21, Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.

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Now exasperation doesn't exactly sound like provoking someone to anger, but the word translated exasperate in the

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New American Standard Bible refers to stirring something up, and it appears only twice in the New Testament. The other location is 2

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Corinthians 9 .2, where Paul refers to the Corinthians as stirring up the Macedonians to give to the offering

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Paul was collecting for needy Christians. There, the word referred to stirring up is a good thing, but in Colossians 3 .21

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it's bad. Why? Well, the second part of the verse again explains what we just learned, so that they will not lose heart.

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This is the only place in the Scripture this Greek word appears, and it literally refers to being disheartened. So how might our children become disheartened?

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It's easy. If we pass judgment on them and leave no room in their minds for growth, change, maturity, and forgiveness, it's easy to lose heart and feel hopeless.

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It's easy to be frustrated and antagonistic and angry. This is the same truth we learn in Matthew, Luke, and John when

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Jesus says, do not judge so that you will not be judged, for in the way you judge you will be judged, and by your standard of measure it will be measured to you.

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Jesus is not telling us not to be discerning or not to make a judgment about a situation or course of action.

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There are plenty of verses which tell us to do those things. The word translated judge here refers to concluding in a legal and final sense.

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It's passing judgment as a judge, ordained by God to punish sin, slams his gavel with terrible closure.

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There is no rebuttal. There is no coming back from the judgment. It's final. It's done. There's no hope for change.

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May we parents never be guilty of passing final judgment on our kids. May our discipline, admonishment, nurture, and instruction draw our children to us and God.

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May it ever instill hope that our kids can change. Passing final judgment is a sinful approach to discipline.

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It's the sinful version of provocative parenting. However, provocation is not always bad.

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So let's turn our attention to number two, righteous provocative parenting. In the

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King James Version, Hebrews 10 .24 tells us to consider one another, to provoke unto love and to good works.

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The NASB reads, "...and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds."

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Now, what's interesting is that the Greek word translated stimulate is used only twice in the New Testament, once here and once in Acts 15 .39,

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a passage I've discussed before. Acts 15 .39 tells us, "...and there occurred such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took

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Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus." Basically, Paul and Barnabas could not agree as to whether or not

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Mark should join them on their missionary journey. In fact, their disagreement was so sharp that Paul took Silas and headed toward Syria while Barnabas took

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Mark and traveled to Cyprus. There was no compromise. Neither was going to budge on their position.

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Unfortunately, in English, we imagine a sharp disagreement being a harsh or unkind or out -of -control argument.

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But remember that the English words sharp disagreement are being used to translate the one Greek word, which is translated stimulate, in Hebrews.

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One of the conclusions concerning the Acts passage is that it's okay to disagree. God never tells us whether Paul or Barnabas was right, and as far as we know, not only did

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God use both of these groups to spread the gospel, Paul was later reconciled with Mark, presumably because Mark sought forgiveness and Paul granted it.

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So, what does it mean to provoke or stimulate one another to love and good deeds? Well, another understanding of this word is a sharpening.

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It's an incitement, just like the English word provoke. Only instead of provoking someone to anger and hopelessness because we've passed final judgment on them and hit them with punishments designed to hurt but not to teach or reconcile, we are to incite people to true, agape love and commendable, excellent, beautiful behavior.

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We are to incite them to change. Basically, Christ honoring provocative parenting is the second half of Ephesians 6 .4.

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Don't provoke your children to anger, instead, provoke them to good deeds by correctly using discipline and instruction.

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In the description of today's episode, I've included a number of podcast episodes that build on and expand this concept.

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Now, if the links don't work with your podcast player, don't worry, just go over to truthloveparent .com. Not only can you find all of the links in today's show notes on our blog,

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Taking Back the Family, but our search engine is very good and should connect you with the other episodes very easily. So let's finish up today by making a huge observation.

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In Ephesians 6, Paul does a great job summing up the roles of each family member. Children, obey and honor.

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Parents, when your kids don't obey and honor, be God's ambassadors, bring them up in His nurture and admonition.

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In Hebrews 10, the author writes, Now, that's all about us and our relationship to God, now it moves outward from us to others.

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Verse 23, When God chose to summarize the

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Christian parents' responsibility to other people in his or her life, He pointed to the importance of helping those around us live like Christ.

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And when they don't live like Christ, we're not to pass final judgment on them and write them off as lost causes.

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We're to engage with them in such a way that we lead them back to the paths of righteousness. In James 5, 19 -20, we read,

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If any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

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We aren't commanded to engage in jihad, where we slaughter the infidels. No, we're to engage in adoption proceedings, where those who are not sons become sons, and where estranged sons become reconciled sons.

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My friends, the truth is, you are a provocative parent. But the question is whether or not you're the sinful or righteous kind.

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Is discipline in your home an angry time to punish your kids for their wrongdoing, or is it an opportunity to lovingly guide your kids back to truth and repentance?

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Listen, I'm not saying we don't raise our voices, and I'm not saying we don't spank when appropriate. I'm not saying that we don't give consequences.

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I'm actually saying that our goal and motivation must be reconciliation and change. Otherwise, we're not doing anything more than provoking our kids to anger and hopelessness.

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Please, share this episode on your favorite social media outlets. And if you'd like some help determining which kind of provocative parent you are, please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com

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or give us a call at 828 -423 -0894. I hope you'll join us next time as we open

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God's Word to discover how to parent our children for life and godliness. To that end, we'll be discussing how your family really needs to stop being offended.

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Truth. Love. Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional, premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.