Biblical Courtship Session #3: The Child's Responsibility to the Parents — Paul Washer

Well, here we are again with our study in biblical courtship and and again, let me just reiterate this is so Important it really is because one of the most important Institutions in the scriptures and one of the most important things in your life is or is going to be Marriage and Finding that person that God has for you and when you find them to live With them in a way that pleases God even before marriage to know how to act to treat that person.

Biblical Courtship and the Need for Godly Wisdom

To know how to be careful of your own weaknesses. The youthful lust that is within all the things that can bring so much damage to your future marriage. We want to look at those things and we want to have a biblical basis for why we do what we do.

Now when we began a few studies ago We began talking about plowing a fertile ground for teaching and that is simply just Trying to come to the realization of how desperate our culture is. It is so far away From God and so far away from the will of God now We don't just sit back like Pharisees and talk about them.

But we need to realize that much of what is in our culture has already had a great influence on us. And so we need to realize that apart from God's wisdom apart from his spirit his help There's just no way we're going to know what to do.

And even if we know what to do, we're not going to be able to do it without the work of God's Spirit now. After we talked about plowing a fertile ground for teaching we also talked about the importance of Parents to some of you you probably thought well, why are they talking about this?

You know, it's uh, it seems like they're talking about a Class on how to be a good parent. Well, what you need to understand is Many of us who are now Christians when we were younger We were not raised in Christian homes.

And I want you to realize that even though that is not an excuse for our ungodliness It does let us know that we have a tough road ahead of us if we were not raised in a Christian home because the parents in the scriptures play such a great role and if our parents did not lead us into the teachings of Christ and Demonstrate to us with their life an example of what it means to live for Christ.

It's very very difficult. I also wanted to teach on on on Parenting a bit because one of the reasons you're getting married one of the reasons you're going to court this girl or you're going to be in a relationship with this guy is because you desire to be married and you desire to have children and to Raise up a godly heritage to the Lord.

And so you needed to know Something of what you're getting into now what we're going to talk about having talked about the parents responsibility. We're going to talk about the child's responsibility and this again is Extremely extremely important now you say well brother Paul.

The Child’s Responsibility to Parents

I'm in college or I'm even out of the home I've got my own job. Why should we be talking about the child's role or responsibility to the parents? Well Let me just put it to you bluntly There's a good possibility that if you did you were not a Christian during your early the early stages of your life or You were not a mature or well-instructed Christian.

There's a very good chance that you lived a great portion of your early life in rebellion and that you did not Esteem the value of your parents and you did not honor them. You did not obey them and And that's a that's a bad thing.

It's much worse than what you would think we live in a culture that Does not esteem parents. It does not esteem the old as a matter of fact in almost every television program it's the old people who don't know anything and the young people who must instruct them and.

And so we live in a culture that just doesn't honor its parents and some of you after you hear this today. You're probably going to need to go back to your parents and ask them to forgive you and and Then you're going to have to work at Growing in this area in your life to learn even if you're already out of the house.

To learn to honor your parents and to ask their advice. So let's just look at a few things. First of all as A young person even if you're in college or you're you're in your 20s and you've got a job and you're working.

I want you to understand something. Your parents still play a great role in your life. And they're still very very important and you need to learn to honor them. The parents role is ordained by God. That's what I want you to see and it is the first law Governing man's relationship to man, you know in the Ten Commandments it begins with all the responsibilities that a man has before God and then it turns from there and it talks about man's responsibility to man and The first commandment doesn't deal with government or society.

But it deals with Parents deals with the family and let's read in Exodus 20 12 He says honor your father and your mother that your days may be prolonged in the land. Which the Lord your God gives you now without doing just a you know a Long-term study on this passage.

I mean just taking a glance at where it is located in the Decalogue where it is located in the Ten Commandments shows us just how important family relationships are to God and just how Important it is that children honor their father and mother now you may say well my father and mother.

They're not believers doesn't matter doesn't matter. You should still honor them. You may have to as an older person. You may disagree with them. You may even disagree with their lifestyle. You may not even be able to accept all of their counsel because maybe they don't even know the Lord, but you should still honor them now.

Repentance for Rebellion and Dishonor

I Want you to think back on as far back as you can remember. You know when you first remember being in this world and think about your your time as a child. Think about your time maybe in middle school and high school or and then ask yourself.

How much did you rely upon your parents counsel? How often did you humble yourself? Before your parents. Did you live a life of obedience to your parents or disobedience and rebellion now. What I would suggest.

I don't want you to come into Condemnation or to just fall into despair in this matter, but I want you to take it seriously. I would really suggest that you just sit down For a few hours with maybe the Bible and a sheet of paper and a pencil in front of you and just Ask yourself these questions.

How did you in your early life? How did you dishonor your parents? How did you rebel against them? How is it that you did not treat them with honor or esteem their counsel? How is it that maybe you made their life very difficult and almost miserable.

Well, you know you should think about writing those things down and going to the Lord if you've never done this before and ask him to forgive you and to confess your sins. That you lived a life in violation to one of his most important commands and one of the commands upon which society itself is founded and Then after you do that, it might be good to go visit your mom and dad and Again, you say well, they weren't there.

They're not believers, especially so. Because by humbling yourself before them and asking them to forgive you and confessing your sin. They will see maybe the impact that Jesus Christ has had on your life but going there also not only to confess your sin and to ask for forgiveness, but also You need to really Concern yourself with growing in the Lord.

And so that you can start honoring them you can honor them and think about that, you know take some time go over that and and It can be a thing that can really Bring some freedom it can renew your relationship with your parents.

It can allow you to start maybe on new ground. All right. Now so he says in Exodus 20 12 honor your father and your mother that your days may be prolonged in the land. Which the Lord your God gives you, you know, what's amazing here is he says honor them not just obey.

Honor Goes Beyond Mere Obedience

You know, one of the things that I have to tell my children, you know, I say boys clean up your room. Well, it's not good enough that they just clean up their room. They should clean up their room. With a sense of doing it unto the glory of God with a sense of doing it to honor their parents and with a sense of joy if they do it grudgingly and kind of Shrugging their shoulders.

They have not obeyed. Because they have not honored you see when when the Lord is speaking here about our relationship to our parents. He's going beyond just mere Obedience, I'll do it because I have to.

But he's talking about honor. I Will do it mom and dad because I esteem you. I Appreciate you and I want to demonstrate that in my life now, he says honor your father and your mother listen both many times in a family, you know, we'll we'll.

We'll dot our I's and cross our T's when it comes to our dad because he knows we know that our dad can really deal with us and maybe we don't give the honor to our mother that we should and That is wrong.

And it also represents that it also shows us that our obedience to our father is not because of honor or because of love. But just because he's more powerful than we are. We should honor our father and our mother.

Honoring Mothers and Protecting the Marriage

Now young guys, let me share with you something. If you're more than six or seven years old. Your mom should not be making your bed. She should not be cleaning your room and she shouldn't even probably be washing your clothes unless she just wants to do it.

To show her love for you. I Have seen so many young men even those come back from college and things like that. They lay around the house. They expect their mother to serve them. That's absolutely preposterous.

You need to be taking care of yourself. You need to be doing these things and honor your mother by Freeing her from being your slave and fathers. Now, listen to me. I know there's going to be some fathers listening to this.

Don't let your wife be the slave to your sons or your daughters when they're old enough themselves to do these things. I've seen mothers in the name of love and many times in the name of Jesus Christ.

Wearing themselves out for a bunch of lazy children who can do all those chores themselves also husbands realize this. The most important relationship that you have in the world on this planet is with your wife.

No one. No one comes between you and your wife and no one dishonors your wife. Every child should know father that you love them enough to die for them a thousand times. But every child should know that there are certain things they do not do and one of them is Dishonor their mother because their mother is your wife and those who dishonor her dishonor you.

Don't permit it. Now if you're going to demand this from your children, then there's something else you have to do also fathers husbands. You have to esteem your wife. Those children need to see that she is Greatly and highly regarded by you to the degree that the man in the home respects his wife.

So will the children? Maya my little girl Rowan. She's three years old. So she hasn't heard this lecture yet, but my two boys know That the worst thing they could ever do on this planet at least in in this Dispensation of their life is to on to dishonor their mother.

Because at that point they are going to know the wrath of their father. You see they need to learn this men from us. Husbands, they need to learn this from us now. He says Honor your father and mother that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.

I want to tell you something there is Judgment the judgment of God upon our country for the way children regard or do not regard their parents today and I can tell you this there is discipline even in the true church and there is discipline in the lives of young Christians.

Because they violate this command that is so serious. So very serious, you know, it's so amazing. We'll do things like tithe and in all sorts of things fulfill all sorts of rules as young Christians. And yet we will miss the weightier matters of the law which always have to do with relationships relationships either with God.

Relationship with God or a relationship with others and one of the highest relationship. Well, let me put it this way the highest Relationship in your life as a young man or a young woman if you are not married is your relationship with your father and your mother.

And you need to honor them. Even when they're wrong you need to honor them. You need to bless them. You need to seek to obey them where you can where it does not violate Scripture or conscious Continent you you need to do these things and what does God say?

He will bless it. There was a sense in which Israel was cast out of the promised land because of their idolatry. Because of their immorality, but I want you to realize they were also cast out or even vomited out of the land because of the fact that children Did not honor their father and their mother so it's a very serious thing now.

Ephesians 6 and the Scope of Parental Authority

Let's let's look at that for a minute out of the New Testament and let's look in Ephesians chapter 6 Verses 1 through 3. Okay. I'm going to read that right now children Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.

Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise. So that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Now very important passage Paul takes what we found in Exodus chapter 20 and he kind of embellishes it.

He adds some things to it and gives us a greater Insight into what God is trying to teach us. First of all children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right now. It's real important that we recognize here children obey your parents in the Lord there are some people today very well-meaning and I don't want to be disrespectful, but I disagree with them and They've developed this idea that the father Has authority in the home, which is very very true.

Has authority over his children that is also true but he has authority over his children even after they they leave the home and They've married and they've started their own family and and I just want to tell you that that is outside the parameters of Scripture.

Furthermore, I hope that that I have been such a father that I can teach my children in such a way that When they leave my home, they can stand on their own as men over their own families. It doesn't say adults obey your parents in the Lord.

It says children obey your parents in the Lord. Those who have left the home have married have begun Begun a new family unit well. In a sense, they're autonomous. But now I want us to look at the other side of that.

There are people who young men who leave home for maybe college and and things like that. And even go on and get married now. Are they under the rule and authority of their father? No I do not believe the Bible teaches that but should they continue to honor and Respect their father and esteem their father and mother.

Absolutely they should and Even as as as an older man before my mother died. My father died when I was very young when I was 17, but even as a young man and an older man. There were times when I would ask counsel from my mother.

Doesn't mean that she dictated the things in my life or she ruled my life or I had to do what she said all the Time but I wanted to show Respect and honor and I also believe that because she was my mother.

That God could speak through her at times and and I want you to see this. I want you to avoid Both extremes. The extreme that says even after you leave the home your father rules over everything you do.

I've even heard cases where men teach that that even after you're married he rules over what you do in your marriage that's absolutely absurd. The other extreme is cutting yourself off from your father and mother and Just having nothing to do with them and never asking counsel from them and not continuing to honor them both of those things are wrong.

Learning to Listen to Parental Counsel

So first of all Let's look at it from a child's point of view. He says children Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Now the word obey means to listen to hearken to. It's it's like a porter waiting at the door and ready to open it when he hears somebody knock at the door.

It means waiting to receive instruction from waiting to obey. It's an attitude of kind of looking to your parents as a child and saying what do I do? Now this is very important. And again, we have to avoid some extremes.

First of all children are not born into this world with wisdom. You can see that in the scriptures, but you can just also see that by looking at children. They do some of the most foolish things imaginable now.

So if you Enter into a realm where you have no wisdom the best thing to do is find the authority and expert in the matter and just stand there and look at them and Before you make a move you ask them.

What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? Now children, this is very very important. When when a child is born They do not have wisdom but if they if they know that. Then they can develop an attitude of looking to their father and their mother for counsel father and mother.

I do not know what I am doing. I have never been in this situation before my character has not been developed yet. I am not mature. So what do you think I should do? Now even as we grow older let's say that you're in your late teens and You're a responsible person and you're beginning to think about about possibly marriage and things like that.

Have you ever been married before? No, have you ever picked a wife or a husband before? No, you haven't. This is your first time. So what so are you an expert? Have you read all the books? You know, you see it's something you've never done before.

So what should you do? You should have that same attitude of looking to your parents not that they're going to tell you who you must marry or exactly What you must do but looking to them saying dad. I've never done this before you have What should I do?

Now here's here's the thing that and and fathers you need to listen to this if you're listening to this tape. When my boys were little and Well, they're still little they're still only Nine and seven but when they were little little and I took them out into the woods.

Whether to go hunting with me or something a lot of times I held them by the hand. I did we'd go through a swamp or wading through things or climbing rocks. I would hold them. I would watch them. I would care for them.

I remember one time my son Evan decided he wanted to jump down on this rock to see this very very pretty snake and I grabbed him right before he left Leaped off the rock and I'm glad I did because it was a big old copperhead.

So when they were little and we went out into the woods, I'd hold their hand. Okay, I don't hold their hand anymore in the woods. Okay, and It's not because they've just gotten old enough. No. Because they could be as old as they are now and still be as dumb as they were.

The reason I don't hold their hand anymore is because I taught them I don't need To be there all the time directing every step in the forest for them because I have taught them how to walk through a forest and the more I teach them the less I have to hold their hand and the more I Teach them.

Hopefully the wisdom that God has given me the less they're going to have to look to me. I don't want children to be leaving my home that have to call me every day of their life asking my opinion. I want to raise mature men mature women who although They will still honor me.

They will ask for advice because we all need advice. We all need counsel. There's victory in a multitude of counselors, but they're not Dependent upon me as a little child would be walking through the woods for the first time and needing their father to hold their hand and so you see.

Children should listen to their parents. But we should also be Developing our children teaching our children giving our teeth children wisdom so that eventually they stand on their own. Not just as a son or a daughter.

But as a brother and sister in Christ fully mature. Paul's great goal was that Christ be formed in men and then as Christ was formed in men that those men would become mature and That's the way we should be with our children now.

Counsel for Courtship and Marriage

Young person when it comes to courtship when it comes to looking for a mate. When it comes to all these types of decisions, you should honor your parents by asking their counsel now. We're going to talk about this later.

There are many authorities in your life that can be a great deal of help to you in this matter of courtship. You need to receive counsel from your parents receive counsel from the elders at your church.

Receive counsel from men and women who in the church are noted for their wisdom. But just let me give you a little bit of warning here just because someone is old doesn't make them wise. There are many there almost there's as many old fools as there are young ones.

So just because someone's been there and done that and got the t-shirt it doesn't mean at all that they know what they're doing. We're talking about biblical wisdom. That's what you want to look for now.

It says children obey your parents and then it says in the Lord. This is what the Lord wants. You know that kind of just silences all questions doesn't it? The children obey your parents, well, why should I obey my parents because it's what the Lord wants.

Oh, okay enough said. It's his desire. Now it's really funny. I mean every time I teach on something like this I always have someone in the audience who raises their hand and says well. What if my parents want me to build a bomb and blow up some building somewhere and I always ask him I go.

Well, when was the last time your parents asked you to do something like that? And they said never and I said well, I guess the question is pretty nonsensical then isn't it? I mean We ask questions like that and it just reveals our desire to be rebellious doesn't it?

Our problem isn't with our parents asking us to do something unethical. Usually our problem is when our parents want us to do something that we just don't want to do. You see you're going to have to learn something as a Christian.

I am never free. Even though I'm probably twice the age of some of you young men who are thinking about marriage. I'm never going to be free from authority. But here's what you need to understand. I don't want to be.

I Find that that authority in my life Helps me Protects me and has saved me for many dumb things that I could have done. Now, so why do you obey your parents? It's what the Lord said. It's what the Lord said now.

It says children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Why is it right because the Lord said it? You know ethics sometimes ask the question, you know. Why is something a certain thing right and a certain thing wrong.

One of the simplest answers that may seem trite. But it's actually quite profound is it's right because God said it was right. It's wrong because God said it was wrong. It's right because it is conformed to the nature the attributes and the will of God and it is wrong.

Because it is contrary to God's will and God's nature you do this because it's right. God knows Humanity. He knows what makes a proper society among humans. He knows what's right and this is right in his eyes and this is what you should do now.

Authority Must Be Exercised as Servanthood

Let me say something here to parents really quick. This is you know, anytime I teach on authority or I teach on something like Submission whether it be a wife honoring her husband or children honoring their parents.

It's a frightening thing to teach on it. Why. Well, this is the reason I Have met in my life so many self-centered power hungry Legalistic Husbands and fathers who love to use these types of teachings in order just to literally enslave their wives and children and Their spirit their heart everything about them is totally contrary totally contrary To the Lordship of Jesus Christ his compassion his love his mercy.

When we talk about you know a certain person should submit to another person and that some Persons have been given authority. Those who have been given authority ought to have great fear. Because to whom much is given much is required.

If you have been given a wife. Know that she is a daughter of God and God will deal with you one day if you have been harsh with her if you have used her for your own promotion, God will deal with you and Know this if you're a father.

Your children are to obey you. But if you have been harsh manipulative coercive Managing everything in your home just by sheer power God will deal with you one day and you need to be afraid repent now.

Reconcile yourself with your enemy before you go to court because you will not get out of there until you've paid the very last cent. Those who have authority of any kind whether it's in the family in the church.

They ought to exercise that authority like a servant. That authority ought to cost them and not benefit them. They ought to be as Jesus Christ who knowing that he had all authority knowing where he had come from and where he was going.

He wrapped himself in a towel and he washed feet. Again, I tell you what I have seen men use this hard-faced Religious Legalistic of it. There's just not enough words to describe these types of men they're so abusive and so manipulative and they use the scriptures to manipulate their wives and their children and it's horrible and They ought to be greatly afraid.

Husbands Must Love Their Wives Sacrificially

So if we've been given authority and young men one day when you marry, you know. You may be all about that passage where wives ought to submit to their husbands and it's true. It's in the scriptures, but you are to love your wife as Christ loved the church.

Never forget the one you marry is God's daughter. Guys I'll probably tell you this a million times before this is over. But young men you need to understand something. You could walk up to me make a fist and I mean just roundhouse me and hit me right in the jaw.

As hard as you can and I'll probably just get up and if I'm really spiritual that day. I'll pray for you. You hurt my little daughter. It'd be better that a mama grizzly bear got a hold of you than me.

There's hardly anything more important to a dad than his little daughter. You're gonna marry one of God's daughters and If I being evil can love my daughter enough to take on a whole army to protect her.

You need to be afraid. You need to treat that girl like she was made of glass. Because her father is in heaven and he knows how to deal. With young bucks like you he really does so so be careful. Take that as take that as a warning.

Okay? Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right honor your father and mother again. Let me say this because it's just so important esteem them. Value them and value what they have done for you.

And one of the best ways to show your father honor and to demonstrate to him that you esteem him. It's by asking his counsel. By asking his counsel and again that goes totally against our culture doesn't it?

I mean it goes totally against our culture. It's unbelievable that in almost every movie out of Hollywood. The parents are idiots. The father's the bigger idiot if anybody in the in the the parent the two parents have wisdom.

It's the mother. It's hardly ever the father and the children are the ones who in the end are right and have to teach their parents the right way that is not the way reality is and It's absolutely absurd.

Because it's basically saying that young people. Well the scriptures teach that young people have very little wisdom and as they grow older should grow in wisdom. Hollywood teaches us that you're born with wisdom.

And then as you grow older and finally as you become a parent you become a fool. You lose the wisdom that you start out with Theological Makes no sense whatsoever, but it's just another case of our society being turned over to its own foolishness.

So esteem your father and your mother esteem them. Now it says honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise. So that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

It really is and that shows how important again this commandment is it's the first commandment God gives with promise. You know years ago when I was in seminary I had the privilege of working with several guys in a ministry called the beautiful feet Street ministry.

And I wasn't a leader there or anything, but but I worked there for three years helping in the way that I could and Even for a while lived down there at the mission with all the guys and. One day I just thought you know I'm just going to walk around and ask the different guys who were on the street.

Drugs alcohol all sorts of things asked them. You know where do you think that your rebellion began? I mean where did all these problems start and you know every one of them said with my family. With my family now some of them mark you some of them had horrible families horrible fathers horrible mothers.

But most of them went back to saying I didn't listen to my father or my mother. I did not obey. I bucked up against their authority and then the authority of my teachers and then the authority of the law and here I am today and This is true it is it is a commandment that is followed by a promise.

God honors young men and young women who honor their father and their mother a Blessed life without the fear of judgment or without the fear of discipline. And you need to take that to heart. Especially when you're thinking about one of the greatest decisions in your entire life, and that is who are you going to marry?

You should honor your parents in this matter because a blessing accompanies that now. Let's talk about moving beyond Obedience to honor. We've been talking about honor quite a bit, but let's talk about moving Beyond obedience to honor.

Honoring the Aged and Those in Authority

Now, let's listen to a passage in Leviticus 1932 Says you shall rise up before the gray-headed and honor the aged and you shall revere your God. I am reward. This has been lost in our culture. We do not honor the aged as a matter of fact.

We make fun of them or we put them away somewhere where they can't bother anyone. Young men you should learn to honor. The aged learn to honor men. That are above you that are beyond you that are older than you to honor older women to honor.

You know I'm pretty laid-back. I'm just Probably not the most cultured person you've ever met in your life. I I feel more at home out in the woods than just about anywhere and I don't care much for titles but young men, you shouldn't walk up to even me and Just say hey Paul I've been called of the Lord to minister.

At least say something like brother Paul or to your pastor, you know pastor Dave. Pastor Rick to your father. Don't just say yeah, and this and that to him honor him with proper speech. When your mother walks in the room honor her when your father walks in the room honor him.

I know nobody does this anymore. But you should. You should. You know, sometimes it's so funny I'll meet you know. Some young guy who maybe shook hands with John MacArthur or John Piper or something like that.

You know and and they'll tell me yes, I I met John last week and I go you met who they go. Well, you know, I met John last week and talked to him and I go John MacArthur and I had a kid go. Yeah, yeah, I was talking to John and I said, you know what?

I Would never call him John. I would call him pastor or doctor. But I wouldn't use that kind of language and I'm a lot older than you son. It's not because some men are greater than others it's just the sign of honor of Respect be very careful young men.

All the institutions in your culture have been torn down. All the places of honor have been defiled. You've been taught to honor and respect no one. Well, let me just tell you something. If you do not render honor to whom honor is due then one day if honor is due you none will be given.

None will be given. Learn to honor people. Especially people in whom God has worked in an unusual way. Honor your father honor your mother. Honor your elders your pastor honor deacons. Honor men and women of great wisdom in your church.

Honor even officials even those elected officials that you may not agree with honor them. Learn to do that honor the office if you cannot necessarily honor the person. I Would suggest to you young men it would be very healthy If maybe you went through scripture and studied some of these passages about honoring the aged about humbling yourself.

Before men and women who know more than you do. I Tell you what, it'll bring great blessing in your life, and it'll also Deliver you from many many foolish decisions that you will make on your own. Now I want us to look at some divine penalties for those who just have no consideration.

Divine Judgment on Rebellion Against Authority

For the authorities and the authority structure that God has put in place here on this planet. I Want to look at Jude 1 6. It's a passage that's kind of very difficult to interpret, but I think we can pull some Some good truth out of it.