TLP 240: Forgiving Your Children

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I know your children's constant and habitual sin is a heavy weight to bear, but you can live in a spirit of forgiveness.

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You can teach your children the necessity and value of apologies, and you can lovingly forgive your children and help them become more like the

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Savior. Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use

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God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host,

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A .M. Brewster. There's a lot of misinformation out there about what it means to forgive.

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Last time we saw just two ditches on either side of the road, but there are plenty of others. Bitterness, anger, resentment, and discontentment are just a few.

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It's hard to repeatedly have to forgive someone for the same selfish, belligerent sin. It's even harder to live with them in a spirit of willing forgiveness when they never ask.

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But as we're going to see today, we must be willing to forgive. We must forgive lest our very relationship with God be hindered.

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But before we dive into this topic, I do want to thank Jess and Taylor for being supporters of this show. Without them and our other patrons, we just would not be able to continue producing this free content.

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So thank you, you amazing people, for your contribution. And if you'd be interested in the many ways to support our work at Truth.

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Love. Parent, you can click on the five ways to support TLP link in the description of this episode. All right, last time we talked about teaching your children to apologize, and today we're going to talk about our part in that process.

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By way of review, we defined an apology as a confession of sin and request for forgiveness. And we said that forgiveness is a refusal to hold someone's sin against them.

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I like to say, though, it's a refusal to allow another sin to affect your relationship. It's a choice to live with them as if they had not sinned.

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Now, I mentioned last time that one of the misconceptions about forgiveness is that a person no longer receives the consequences of their sin once they've apologized.

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I do want to build on that a little bit more here. It's not true that a person should not receive the natural consequences of their sin just because they apologize.

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I have been forgiven. Christ's blood has cleansed my sin, and yet when I transgress the law of God, the natural consequences of my sin occur.

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I hurt my relationship with God, I hurt it with others, and I make it easier for me to sin next time. I also frequently receive the secondary consequences.

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A pastor may disqualify himself from ministry. Speeding, again, earns a ticket. So what does forgiveness do?

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Forgiveness rectifies the primary consequences. It mends the relationship, and the relationship can be mended even with secondary consequences still in place.

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Let's say that a man cheats on his wife, but then later confesses, apologizes, and genuinely repents. His wife should not have any bitterness or anger or ill feeling toward him.

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Aaron, are you sure about that? Well, that's what God says. And I can tell you personally that I have witnessed the miracle of God happening in situations of adultery.

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I've personally witnessed spouses truly and biblically forgiving their partners. Of course, it's still appropriate and often necessary for secondary consequences like increased accountability, counseling, and decreased level of trust to continue for a time.

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But all of that can still occur within the context of true forgiveness. The strain, decimated, and broken relationship, though, cannot.

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And the same goes for our kids. We can give them the secondary consequences of timeouts, groundings, spankings, and removal of privileges even though forgiveness has been granted.

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This is why forgiveness is best defined as a refusal to allow another's sin to affect your relationship.

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I know that what I'm suggesting sounds way too hard. Sometimes we allow our infant's constant neediness to breed aggravation.

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We're tempted to treat them differently simply because they're always crying and needing to be fed and needing to have their diapers changed.

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And then our preschoolers slip into the terrible twos and the three major stages, and they appear to have no desire to learn and change.

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From there it becomes even more challenging because their sin becomes more purposeful and defiant. When I was the yearbook advisor in a large

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Christian school, I was always amazed that the kindergartners were capable of standing in a perfectly straight and quiet line.

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And if they had been unruly, it would be understandable, their kindergartners. But the older the children grew, the more unruly they became until the graduating seniors completely forgot the definition of a line and everyone was yelling to hear themselves over everyone else's yelling.

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And their disobedience was always far more aggravating because they knew better. They also, presumably, had more practice and more self -control.

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They should be doing a better job. It should be easier for 18 -year -olds to form a quiet, straight line than a bunch of 3 -year -olds.

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So please understand that the temptation to be less patient and forgiving with our children as they get older is a very real issue.

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And it's complicated multiple times over when the child has become a terrorist. So what's our hope then?

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Well, let's turn to the Scriptures to see how it works. And don't forget that we have free episode notes on our blog, Taking Back the

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Family. It will have all the references we studied today, and that too, again, is linked in the description.

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Let's start with the obvious. 1. The frequency of your children's sin does not remove your responsibility to forgive.

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Luke 17, 3 -4 reads, Pay attention to yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him.

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And if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day and turns to you seven times, saying,

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I repent, you must forgive him. But then in Matthew 18, 21 -22,

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Jesus bumps up the stakes. Then Peter came up and said to him, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him?

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As many as seven times, basically quoting what Jesus had said earlier. And Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but seventy -seven times.

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Remember, if our children truly are repenting that many times in a day, we must forgive.

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Forgiveness is tied to confession and repentance, not to the frequency of their sin or not to their perfection.

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But doesn't their repeated sin show that they weren't really repenting? Well, as I observed last time,

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God knows the heart and man only sees the outward appearance. And God commands us to forgive if they say they desire to repent.

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And whether they've gone a mile in one direction and only thirty feet in the other, if they've turned around and truly repented, gone the opposite direction, even for a period of time, then that is true repentance.

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Of course, as I already mentioned, secondary consequences will need to come into play, but we cannot continue to hold their sin against them in bitterness and anger.

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By the way, a great follow -up to today's discussion is episode 153, Is It Okay to Get Mad? The second point is similar to the first in that some people believe that withholding forgiveness is one of the appropriate secondary consequences, but that's not biblical thinking.

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So number two, failure to forgive is not a Christ -honoring consequence. In 2

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Corinthians 2, 5 -11, Paul shares an intimate situation in the church of Corinth. He says, Now, if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure, not to put it too severely, to all of you.

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For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough. Let's stop there for a moment. Assuming that the individual was repentant, and the remainder of the passage gives us that impression,

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Paul said that the primary consequences of hurting God, Paul, and the whole congregation, was consequence enough.

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So he continues, So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.

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So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. And then Paul ties their forgiveness to their obedience.

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He says, For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything.

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Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his designs.

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I think it's also interesting to note that our forgiveness is for Christ's sake, and stands in defiance to Satan in his wickedness.

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Satan desires for us to not forgive each other. The point is that God wants us to forgive, and Satan wants us to hold their sin against them.

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Therefore, to not forgive a truly repentant individual is not an appropriate Christ -honoring consequence.

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Moving on, number three. Faithful forgiveness is forgiveness that trains in obedience.

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Last time we started with 1 John 1 .9, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

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Drawing my child to the importance of forgiveness is the reproof or interpretation stage, but I better not take that step if I'm not going to enter into the training stage next.

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God cleanses us from unrighteousness and replaces it with righteousness. In a similar way, I forgive my child of their unrighteousness and then help them practice the righteousness

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God is working in them. If I'm not prepared to help my child grow out of their sin, then my forgiveness is incomplete.

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But Aaron, you said forgiveness is a refusal to allow another sin to affect your relationship. Where does that say

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I have to help them grow spiritually? Of course, you know that's your job, but think about it.

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If I refuse to allow your sin to affect our relationship, then that has a backwards as well as a forward application.

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I forgive your past sin so it doesn't continue to affect our relationship, but I'm also going to help you not sin in the same way in the future so that it doesn't affect our relationship in the future.

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Okay, let's review. Number one, the frequency of your children's sin does not remove your responsibility to forgive.

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Number two, failure to forgive is not a Christ -honoring consequence. Three, faithful forgiveness is forgiveness that trains in obedience.

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Now, our fourth point is the climax of our study today. Number four, the foundation of your forgiveness is your own forgiveness.

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What do I mean? After Jesus told Peter to forgive 77 times, He gave him a parable that told the story of an unforgiving servant who was forgiven an impossible debt but would not forgive a simple debt.

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And Colossians 3 .13 simplifies the same teaching. If one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the

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Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. As you have been forgiven, so you also must forgive.

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My friends, we are older than our children. We've sinned far more than they have. I recommend you listen to episode 215,

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The Chief of Sinners, in your home. If we're honest, we know our sin far better than we know our children's sin.

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In that episode, we talk about the former prostitute who washed Jesus' feet with her hair. And Jesus said,

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I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But he who has forgiven little, loves little.

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The same can be said about our forgiveness. To forgive is loving. Therefore, those who forgive little have been forgiven little.

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The same truth is mirrored in the disciples' prayer, Luke 11, 2 -4. And he said to them, When you pray, say,

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Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins.

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For we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation.

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No one would ask God to forgive them the same way they forgive others, if they either didn't forgive or they forgave inconsistently.

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This is why Luke 6 -37 presents the flip side of the same idea. He says, Judge not, and you will not be judged.

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Condemn not, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

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It's this truth that leads us to understand that our relationship with God will be affected if we refuse to forgive our children.

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God won't forgive us if we don't forgive others. Not forgiving is a sin.

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One of the primary consequences of not forgiving is that it affects my relationship with God in such a way that God won't forgive me if I don't forgive others.

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Mark 11, 25 makes it even more obvious when it says, And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone.

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So that your Father also, who is in heaven, may forgive you your trespasses. Jesus ties our forgiveness to our ability to be forgiven by God.

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Wow. My friends, if you haven't forgiven your children, then please know that your relationship with God has, in fact, been affected, and you are currently not forgiven.

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Now, I'm not saying that you've lost your salvation, but I am saying that the primary consequences of your sin are still in between you and God.

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And it's all this truth that should make Ephesians 4, 31 through 32 make so much more sense.

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Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

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Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

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Because I have been so forgiven, how could I ever not forgive? And lastly, for this point, we also have to consider the implication of our ability to forgive our children if we've never actually been forgiven by God in the first place.

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That's super significant. I hope you consider the ramifications. So number one, the frequency of your children's sin does not remove your responsibility to forgive.

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Number two, failure to forgive is not a Christ -honoring consequence. Three, faithful forgiveness is forgiveness that trains in obedience.

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Four, the foundation of your forgiveness is your own forgiveness. Now number five, we must function with a spirit of forgiveness.

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Luke 23, 34 reads, And Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do, and they cast lots to divide his garments.

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Let me start by acknowledging two things. Number one, we are not Jesus. It is not ours to keep people from hell or command

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God the Father to forgive. Number two, I have no idea what Jesus was actually requesting in this passage.

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Was Jesus asking the Father to forgive these men even though they hadn't repented? Was this eternal forgiveness or temporal forgiveness?

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Was Christ simply asking the Father to not immediately damn them to hell because they crucified his son? Honestly, I need to study this passage much more so that I can better understand what my

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Lord was saying, but this does perfectly exemplify the concept I discussed last time. We learn last time and today that when we sin and do not apologize, our sin continues to get in the way of a healthy relationship.

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But we also learn that we have no right to be bitter or sinfully angry because someone has sinned against us and not repented.

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So I encourage us to live in a spirit of forgiveness, that is, anticipation that they will eventually apologize and a willingness to forgive them when they do.

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And even though the relationship is still broken, I will continue to love the way God commands. I have found that this spirit of forgiveness is what helps maintain my peace.

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I live in a home of boys who frequently sin against me, but who rarely apologize. If I were worshiping self,

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I would be annoyed that people sinned against me and didn't repent. That can seriously steal a person's joy, but a spirit of forgiveness helps keep everything focused on God.

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Because their frequent sin doesn't remove my responsibility to forgive, because a failure to forgive would be a sin, because my main goal is to help them grow in righteousness, and because I have been forgiven so very much, how could

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I not live in hopeful anticipation of their repentance and a sincere desire to forgive when they do?

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Now, don't forget, all this information is on our free episode notes at TruthLoveParent .com. If you didn't take notes or whatever, that's okay.

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We made them for you. So, number one, the frequency of your children's sin does not remove your responsibility to forgive.

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Number two, failure to forgive is not a Christ -honoring consequence. Three, faithful forgiveness is forgiveness that trains in obedience.

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Four, the foundation of your forgiveness is your own forgiveness. And number five, we must function with a spirit of forgiveness even when our children don't repent right away.

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Please share this episode on social media with your friends. You can even easily email the show to a friend if you're using

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Apple Podcasts. Super simple to share it that way. This season we've been talking about how to become the parent that God called and created us to be.

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We talked about how your parenting doesn't need to be in vain. We had a nine -part series on how to become an intentional, premeditated, disciple -making parent who teaches, interprets, counsels, and trains their children.

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Then we revisited our New Year's resolutions and talked about 2019 parenting trends. Then before our unscheduled break, sorry about that again, we talked about the nature of your child's sin as well as how to teach your child to apologize and how to be a consistent and faithful forgiver.

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So in line with the trajectory for this season, we're going to start a new series called Parenting in Christ.

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In Christ is one of the most frequent descriptors of Christians in the whole Bible and the implications of those truths are going to have direct application to our parenting.

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So I hope you're looking forward to that. And listen, I know your children's constant and habitual sin is a heavy weight to bear, but you can live in a spirit of forgiveness.

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You can teach your children the necessity and value of apologies, and you can lovingly forgive your children and help them become more like the

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Savior. And that's the goal of our next series, how we can become more like the Savior. So to that end,

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I'll see you next time. Truth. Love. Parents is part of the

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Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.