Episode 629: TLP 629: Confrontation Done Right

An unrepentant heart can only be moved by truth or obsessed over how terrible it was for you to say those things, most of which they will wrongly remember.

Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome back. It's wonderful to be meeting with you again, and I hope you're ready for some amazing truth from the book of Acts that needs to inform how we parent.

Of course, with over 600 episodes, we have explored so many passages in the Bible to better understand how to worship

God with our parenting. So if you're struggling with something in your home right now, please search our episodes and series for the topics and questions you have.

No doubt we've touched on it in one way or another. And because we root our teaching in Scripture, we have the promise that to the degree we remain faithful to His Word, the content will be eternally relevant and practical and evergreen.

And it's because we are so dedicated to glorifying God by equipping you and your family that each episode comes with free notes, a transcript, and links to related resources to help you deepen your study.

So let's begin. As I mentioned at the end of the last episode, the cliche is that no one likes conflict.

But that couldn't really be further from the truth. There are definitely people who absolutely thrive on conflict.

But just because you might not like it doesn't inherently make you better than those people. In fact, you may be just as wrong in God's eyes.

The English word conflict doesn't show up often in the Scriptures, but according to Merriam -Webster, the noun conflict is a difference that prevents agreement.

And the verb conflict means to be different, opposed, or contradictory.

Common English synonyms of conflict include strife, dispute, and friction. And the biblical reality is that God calls us to engage with each other in many ways that can be described as conflict.

We're told to reprove each other. That involves telling someone that they're wrong. We're also told to rebuke and correct and admonish.

And some people will even view teaching as conflict when they don't like the content. So, we see that we need to conflict with each other.

But hopefully, as God's word is revealed, everyone in the conflict will be mature enough to submit to the truth and therefore end the conflict as we will no longer be different, opposed, or contradictory to God and each other.

My point is to avoid rebuking and reproving because, well, I don't like conflict is just as sinful as enjoying conflict for all the wrong reasons or engaging in conflict in a sinful way.

So, today, we're going to quickly, hopefully, skim through Acts 22 through 26 as Paul engages in what was truly life -altering conflict.

Paul had to present his defense before the Jews and Romans, some of whom desperately wanted him dead.

But Paul wasn't simply going to talk about all the good and guiltless things he'd done. He absolutely needed to address the conflict and expose it for what it was.

But before we get any further, I'd like to remind you of our current initiative. By September of this year, we're trying to raise $100 ,000 of annual support so that, after nearly 10 years of existence,

Truth Love Family can be a fully sustainable ministry. And as far as ministries, nonprofits, and organizations go, honestly, $100 ,000 is actually not much.

Over the past six years, our donors have graciously given us around $20 ,000 a year. But as you can imagine, though that might cover our very low operating expenses, it absolutely does not cover my salary.

But if your family and others could donate only $5, $10, $20, $50, or maybe $100 or more a month, we could have a much larger and dynamic impact for the

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In most places in our country, that's just a couple orders of pizza per month. But for this ministry, it could literally change lives.

Please visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more. Now let's open our

Bibles to learn how to engage in Christ's honoring confrontation. In Acts 22, Paul is speaking with the crowd in Jerusalem who had been worked up by a group of Jews from Asia.

In chapter 23, Paul finds himself before the Jewish leaders. Chapter 24 details Paul's trial before the governor

Felix. And chapters 25 to 26 find Paul making another defense before Festus, Agrippa, and Bernice.

And each of these encounters has much to teach us. Number 1. We should look for ways to identify with the person we're confronting.

Letter A. We need to speak their language. In Acts 22, 1 through 2, we read,

Men, brothers and fathers, hear my defense which I offer to you. And when they heard that he was addressing them in the

Hebrew language, they became even quieter. Now, this might seem more pragmatic than anything else, but a few verses earlier,

Paul had spoken in Greek to the commander who was to take him to the barracks. It was this choice that confirmed to the commander that Paul wasn't a known

Egyptian criminal. When possible, Paul used the language of the people instead of working through an interpreter.

This will not apply to most of us, and I don't want to find application where there is none, but there is wisdom in choosing our words so that they'll be understandable.

Letter B. We need to use loving language. Paul called them brothers and fathers.

This was the mob that wanted him to be drug off to jail, but he communicated with them in a way so that it would be hard for them to deny that he truly cared for them.

Number 2. We need to be honest about our temptations and sins. In Acts 22, 3 -20,

Paul is completely transparent about his sin of persecuting Christians. This is a very important point because it accomplishes at least two valuable ends.

First, it requires humility from us to acknowledge to the one we're confronting that we too are sinners and that we're tempted and fail in the same ways they do.

But it also shows our love because instead of creating an us -versus -them moment, it becomes a you -and -I -together moment where we're both recognizing our need for God.

When it comes time to confront a person, we need to establish that we love them and God, but then we need to be comfortable with the fact that...

Number 3. We need to say things that people might allow to offend them. Please notice that I didn't say we need to say offensive things.

Truth is not inherently offensive. When one responds to truth in the right way, it's a joy.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Blessed is the reproof of those who love us. The only people offended by truth are those who choose to be offended because they don't want to be confronted by it.

In verse 21, after revealing his own sinful choices, choices in which the crowd were presently engaging,

Paul shared with them that God wanted Paul to stop preaching to the Jews and instead evangelize the

Gentiles. Well, the Jews hated that. We're told that the Jews raised their voices and said,

Away with such a fellow from the earth, for he should not be allowed to live. And then they basically started throwing a temper tantrum.

Paul knew he needed to confront this crowd with the truth. What they were doing was wrong.

So he called them fathers and brothers and explained how he used to do the very same things himself.

And it was because of this scoffing behavior that God didn't want Paul to invest his time with the Jews. This is what they needed to hear.

Listen, we're not confronting if we're not showing our child or spouse or friend that they're in sin.

But also notice that number four, we need to speak the words of God. Bad confrontation sets my opinion against yours.

What really got under the Jews' skin in this section is what God told Paul to do, and that's the way it should be.

We too need to confront using the Bible, God's word. We need to open the scriptures so that they understand this is not merely my opinion versus yours, but God's opinion versus the bent of our sinful flesh.

And I really wish I could spend more time on this next point. But we'll just have to quickly observe it and then move on.

Number five, we need to confront strongly. In Acts 23, one through three, we read,

Now Paul, looking intently at the Sanhedrin, said, Brothers, I have lived my life in all good conscience before God up to this day.

And the high priest Ananias commanded those standing beside him to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him,

God is going to strike you, you whitewashed wall. Do you sit to try me according to the law and in violation of the law order me to be struck?

Paul started with loving, truthful words. And when the scoffers who didn't want to hear the truth responded sinfully,

Paul spoke more loving, truthful words, but he ramped up the intensity. Listen, being gentle does not mean you can't speak the truth strongly.

The gentleness of which the Bible speaks is a strength under control. It's not weak or wimpy.

It can stand before the most aggressive of attackers. Of course, it's not sinful either.

Yes, it's strength, but it's still loving and patient and kind and holy. Far too many people swing to the extremes.

The angry people justify their sinful responses by pointing to the fact that Jesus flipped over tables and Paul called the high priest a whitewashed wall whom

God would strike. But just because loving truth can and often must be spoken with raised voices, that does not make sinful clamor righteous.

On the other hand of the debate, there are those who claim that all raising of voices is always sinful.

But a careful reading of the scriptures will reveal that this is patently false. In episode 440, we asked the question, is it a sin to yell at your kids?

I encourage you to listen to that episode with a heart wanting to understand the scriptures and not with an axe to grind.

But we must move on. Number six, we must be humble enough to admit our present faults.

It's one thing to speak of the sins of our past. But if we're being honest, quite often in confrontation, we respond sinfully in the moment.

Even though we may have started well, the time and sins of the other person tempt us to be unloving and unmerciful and ungracious, and we give in.

Our Christ -honoring, powerful truth in love turns into sinful aggravation. In those moments, we must be humble and honest enough to address our current sin before continuing.

Following the Christ -honoring words Paul just spoke, Paul was informed of something he hadn't previously known. Verses 4 -5 tell us,

Now, two things.

First, this admission does not make what Paul said earlier, or how he said it, wrong. Had the high priest not been the recipient of this condemnation,

Paul was glorifying God in his rebuke. So, it wasn't the words, volume, or tone that was the problem.

Therefore, second, with the new information, Paul confessed the actual sin the pejorative levied against the high priest.

How many of our arguments would fizzle out if we, the parents, were willing to acknowledge our own sin in the moment?

One truth that will help us avoid temptation and confrontation is this. Number seven, we must recognize that although they are attacking you personally, they're ultimately attacking the truth for which you stand.

Acts 23 -6 says, Paul recognized his accusers had significant theological differences and he knew those differences were far more important to them than even their joint condemnation of him.

Every time we confront someone in rebuke, reproof, admonition, or the like, if they fight back against it, whether they want to admit it or not, their real argument is with the scriptures.

Of course, the caveat is that we must be confronting with the scriptures and in a Christ -honoring way. When we bring our opinion or demand that they worship us or we're unloving, the one being confronted may be right to fight back.

Even when we bring the truth, if we don't do it in love, the one we're confronting would be right to push back against our sin.

Hopefully, we do that before they have to do it by recognizing our own sin. So, if we're speaking truth and love, though they may believe their argument is with us, ultimately, this warfare is spiritual.

It's against God. We have a series called The Spiritual Warfare in Your Home. If your family has not worked through that, you really need to.

This warfare is happening every day at every moment, and when we forget that our true enemy is not flesh and blood, the spiritual war becomes a sinful physical war.

Remembering this will help us keep our gaze focused on the real spiritual need of the moment. It's not about our kids respecting us or listening to us or obeying us.

It's about the worship that God deserves. They need to submit to Him. They can hurl whatever insults they want against us.

That shouldn't upset us. The thing that should grieve our hearts is the fact that they're attacking His supremacy in their lives.

But recognizing this actually isn't good enough. Number eight, we need to explain the reality of the situation.

In Acts 24 10 through 16, Paul clearly explains how he has never done any of the things for which he was being condemned.

In confrontation, we need to help the person who's pushing back against truth see that their fight is with reality.

It's with God. If your confrontation is rooted in Scripture and flowing with love, then set aside your pride, open the

Word, and step them through the expectations of God. First, you need to know what the Bible has to say about the issue.

You probably don't use a lot of the Bible in your parenting because you don't really know much Bible, nor do you know how it applies to the sin in your child's life.

If that's the case, this needs to be rectified. If you are a child of God, you should love studying and meditating on God's Word, and the

Holy Spirit will illumine your mind to know how to use His truth in parenting. Second, there's a difference between being defensive and giving a defense.

A defense is not about us. We're defending God's glory with His Word. Being defensive is trying to protect ourselves.

Now, the truth that needs to be communicated may actually be a careful defense of our actions and words.

Sometimes that needs to happen in confrontation. We're being accused of something we didn't do. But even then, we shouldn't be defensive.

We ultimately don't need to defend ourselves if we're glorifying God. His Word will do that for us.

The point is that it's not good enough for us to recognize that our child or spouse or friend or pastor's real problem is not us, but their refusal to submit to God.

We also need to help them see that's the problem. They won't be able to confess their sin, ask for forgiveness, and pursue repentance without understanding what the real issue is.

They want to see you as the problem. If you would just agree with them, all would be well. Therefore, it's a losing battle to argue your point or your feelings or your desires.

It's always better to argue God's will and desires. So not only must we have the right mindset and bring the right arms to the spiritual warfare and target the real enemy, we must also be able to recognize other temptations the one being reproved may have.

9. We must realize that sometimes people have ulterior motives for listening to your confrontation.

In Acts 24, verses 24 through 26, we read, But some days later Felix arrived with Drusilla, his wife, who was a

Jewess, and summoned Paul and heard him speak about faith in Christ Jesus. But as he was discussing righteousness, self -control, and the judgment to come,

Felix became frightened and answered, Go away for the present, and when I find time I will call for you. At the same time, he was also hoping that money would be given him by Paul.

Therefore, he also used to summon for him quite often and converse with him. Sometimes our kids will grin and bear our lecture in order to avoid additional consequences.

Sometimes they hope that if they act in a contrite way, we'll think well of them. Sometimes this lecture provides them nothing more than 30 minutes away from their stupid sister whom they hate.

Sometimes our kids seem to listen well. They settle down and appear to hear our reproof, but are they really getting it?

We don't have time to dive into it here, but we have other resources that reveal the beauty of questions. We need to be experts at asking heart -revealing questions in order to expose ulterior motives for this person's participation in the confrontation.

Do they really see the truth? Do they really agree with God? Do they really want to change?

If they have the right motives for responding well to your confrontation, then they will follow the steps for apologizing.

They will be able to confess, ask for forgiveness, and commit to change. And we have resources in the description to help teach these truths to your kids as well.

Number 10. We need to realize that hard hearts will twist our confrontation. Acts 25, 7 through 8 shows us an all -too -familiar scene.

After Paul arrived, the Jews who had come down from Jerusalem stood around him, bringing many inserious charges against him which they could not prove.

While Paul said in his own defense, I have committed no sin, either against the law of the

Jews or against the temple or against Caesar. Even if you had been perfect, even if you had said and done nothing inappropriate, sinful, calloused hearts will interpret what you did in the worst possible way.

Even our Bible -filled, love -covered reproof, rebuke, and admonishment will be twisted in their ears so that they actually believe us to have said and done things we never said or did.

It's inevitable. An unregenerate or unrepentant heart can only reflect on the truth and be moved by it or obsess over how terrible it was for you to say those things, most of which they will wrongly remember.

Be prepared for this. Don't be surprised when and if it happens. This is all too common. This is why we must be careful to not dilute

God's will with our sin and axes to grind. They will do this with Scripture.

They will definitely do it with our own poor confrontation. Number 11. We must be prepared to be insulted.

Acts 26, 24 through 25 says, Now while Paul was saying this in his defense, Festus said in a loud voice,

Paul, you're out of your mind. Great learning is driving you out of your mind. You can always tell when a person engaged in confrontation is completely run out of any kind of legitimate defense.

They will default to nothing but name -calling. Now, before I continue, I recognize that some of you might be wondering how that's any different than what

Paul did in Acts 23 .3. Now, Paul was not merely name -calling. He was doing two things. First, he was calling down divine judgment on those who would break

God's law using God's own terminology. And second, he was showing them their own hypocrisy.

Now, Festus here is doing neither of these. We believe that during the same conversation, Agrippa was experiencing

Holy Spirit conviction, and it's possible that Festus was as well, having heard Paul's defense a number of times by now.

The point is, we should never stoop to malicious name -calling simply to cause the other person pain or gaslight them.

But we should definitely expect that those who cannot answer God's word with anything more than impotent feelings and opinions will likely become frustrated enough that they will do that.

They will call you names. Your spouse, God forbid, and your children will at some point insult your intelligence and reasoning skills.

They're wrong to do it, and you must be prepared to respond in two ways. The first way is with humble love.

This is not really about you. Don't let it break your pride. The second way is in a reasoned theological defense.

Paul continues in verse 25 after being told this, I am not out of my mind, most excellent Festus, but I utter words of sober truth.

For the king knows about these matters, and I speak to him also with confidence, since I am persuaded that none of these things escape his notice.

For this has not been done in a corner. King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you believe.

Paul appealed to truth. Again, he appealed to fact. He appealed to reason. He appealed to the scriptures. So must we.

It's not a fight. We're not trying to manhandle them, make them feel bad, or get defensive. We're thankfully embracing the opportunity to show them that they are wrong because God is right.

Again, not only must we have the right mindset and bring the right arms to the spiritual warfare and target the real enemy, we must also be able to recognize other temptations the one being reproved may have.

But we also have to be aware of our own temptations. Number 12. We must be prepared to fight discontentment.

I get it. We didn't want to have to confront in the first place. We definitely didn't want the person we're confronting to respond sinfully.

It'll be very easy for us to pridefully give in to discontentment and step into any number of stinky piles of sin, including anger, fear, despair, impatience, hatred, and the like.

But we must be grateful. In Acts 26, 1 through 25, we find a Paul who was happy to repeat his defense over and over.

He was joyful in reciting the details of God's working. He was grateful to present a defense of truth before Festus and Agrippa.

We, too, must be thankful to engage in Christ -honoring confrontation. Whether it be parenting or one -anothering or discipleship or counseling, this is

God's greatest will for us in that moment, for that we can be exceptionally thankful.

Way back in season three, we did a series called Peaceful Parenting. It had nothing to do with parenting that doesn't give consequences.

Instead, it had everything to do with being a parent who is at peace, joyful, content, and grateful. That study laid the foundation for the constant reminders

I've given over the years that we're not pleasing the Lord if anything we do lacks peace, joy, gratitude, or contentment.

We cannot be believing God's will about His supremacy and providence if we're discontent.

We need to stop lamenting parenting. We need to stop crying, woe is me. We are blessed to be able to confront with truth and love.

Be thankful for those opportunities. They are literally why God left us here. He left us here to confront with salt and light.

He left us here to confront with discipleship and one -anothering. We are here to invite others to submit to God, and people aren't going to want to do that, but that's why we're here.

And I thank you for your patience today as we consider our final point. In confrontation, we should always look for ways to identify with the person we're confronting, be honest about our temptations and sins, be willing to say things that people might allow to offend them, speak the words of God, and confront strongly, be humble enough to admit our present faults, recognize that although they are attacking you personally, they're ultimately attacking the truth for which you stand.

Therefore, we must explain the reality of the situation, realize that sometimes people have ulterior motives for listening to your confrontation, realize that hard hearts will twist our confrontation, be prepared to be insulted, and be prepared to fight discontentment.

And finally, we also need to, number 13, we must always emphasize the gospel so that the person we're confronting may experience the same freedom we have in Christ.

In Acts 26, 27 -32, we read the continuing exchange between Paul and Agrippa.

King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you believe. But Agrippa replied to Paul, in such short time, are you persuading me to become a

Christian? And Paul said, I would pray to God that whether in a short or long time, not only you but also all who hear me this day might become such as I am, except for these chains.

Paul had faithfully pointed to Christ so much in each of these instances. He made the gospel clear so that no one could deny the centricity of Christ.

And whether we're confronting an unbeliever about their need for Christ or a believer about their sin against Christ, the gospel needs to be the warp and woof, the bread and butter, and the motive and the method.

We all need to be set free from our sin. Christians may be free from the eternal consequences of sin, but we're not free from the current temptations and consequences here in the now.

The most loving thing we can do is to confront in the truth of the gospel, whether that be in evangelism or discipleship, for justification or for sanctification.

So, in confrontation, we must look for ways to identify with the person we're confronting, be honest about our temptations and sins of the past, be willing to say things that people might allow to offend them, confront confidently with the words of God, but be humble enough to admit our present faults, recognize that although they're attacking you personally, they're ultimately attacking the truth for which you stand.

Therefore, we must explain the reality of the situation so they see their real need. We also have to realize that sometimes people have ulterior motives for listening to your confrontation, recognize that hard hearts will twist our confrontation, and be prepared to be insulted in confrontation.

Be prepared to fight the discontentment in ourselves, though, when that happens, and always emphasize the gospel so that the person we're confronting may experience the same freedom we have in Christ.

Now, I know we went a little longer today than usual, and as I was doing this, I realized a whole episode could be done on any one of these points in order to achieve maximum practical application.

But hopefully, some of these line items can get you started on your meditation in the right direction in this.

Continue your study, because we all could confront better. The Lord, your spouse, your children, your friends, and the world will benefit from your maturity in this area.

As always, please share this episode with your family and friends so they too can learn how to confront in a more Christ -honoring way.

And never hesitate to email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you need help glorifying

God in your confrontation but don't know where to start or how to overcome the roadblocks in your spiritual maturity.

And join us next time as we discuss an adjacent topic, advice worth giving. I'll see you then.

Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship God through your parenting.

So join us next time as we study God's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

And remember that TLP is a listener -supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.