TLP 144: Why "Why" Is More Important Than “What" | asking the right questions to reveal the wrong heart

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And, in the end, we'll be intentional, premeditated, disciple -making parents who build habits of purposeful, heart -level parenting, and not bother with the superficial stuff.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parent. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. Welcome back, friends. I pray our last episode with Dr. Mark Shaw was a blessing to many of you.

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I know many parents have never considered the possibility of their child being addicted to something or harming themselves, but it's not something about which we can afford to be ignorant.

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Thankfully, today's topic won't be as weighty as our last one was. Still, it's a tool that we'll need to use every single day in our parenting.

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But before we jump in, I'd like to invite you to take a minute or two to rate and review Truth. Love. Parent. If you're listening to us via the

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Apple Podcast app, it's super simple. You can also rate and review us on Facebook. If you follow us there, that should be pretty easy to do as well.

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It's a huge blessing to us when you rate and review, and it's a great way to encourage other parents who are searching for a show that can help them grow in their parenting.

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And one more thing before we move on. We've just concluded a study of biblical love that took us the entire month of February and a bunch of March.

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And if you haven't heard that, and or taken your family through the Four Family Love series, I cannot encourage you enough to do so.

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All right, so why is why more important than what? If you've ever read about or studied communication, then you've probably heard that asking what questions are better than asking why questions.

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What questions get the individual thinking about concrete concepts, actions, and desires, whereas why questions tend to lead people into ethereal, philosophical, and abstract directions.

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So instead of asking your child, why did you hit your brother? We're encouraged to ask, what were you trying to do to your brother?

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It's really easy for a child to respond, I don't know, to either of these questions, but generally the what question is easier to answer.

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I mean, let's be honest, your kids didn't think through much of what they did today. It's just too easy to feel our way through lives.

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If something feels good or vaguely seems to be beneficial to my life, I'll be super tempted to do it. And the less conscious thought

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I put into it, the better the chances are I'll take whatever appears to be the easier or more comfortable way.

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When a child hits his sibling, more often than not, he wants to hurt the child. That seems pretty simple enough for us, but man, ask a kid why he hit his sister and you'll get glazed eyes.

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What did you do provides an easier answer than why did you do it because I can think back to my actual actions and recite it to you.

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But if I didn't put a lot of thought into the why, I'll likely just kind of look like a cow staring at an oncoming train.

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I'll be sitting there trying to figure the answer out while you're interpreting my hesitation as disrespect or rebellion.

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And if I say, I don't know, that'll probably annoy you too. So those are just some reasons parents are encouraged to ask what questions instead of why questions.

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And I agree with most of those reasons, but we're trying to be intentional, premeditated, disciple -making parents.

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So we need to give some more thought to this concept than most. And over time,

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I hope that the general framework of our conversations with our children will start to look very different from the average parent -child encounter.

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And this is good. You know, we need to be changing and growing and becoming more like Christ in the way we talk with our kids. And speaking of Jesus, he did ask a lot of what questions.

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When we look at the Scriptures, we see that Jesus asked over 300 questions. Now, of course, he asked many more questions than what were recorded, but that number stands out because God found it important to record those questions.

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He also found it important to record that Jesus was asked only 183 questions. That's interesting.

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But we also see that it's recorded that he only answered three of them. That's very interesting indeed.

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Now, if we add all of the questions that God the Father has asked throughout the Scriptures, we once again see the power of the question.

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And that's something that we've discussed a lot on this show. But let's take a minute to consider some of Jesus's questions.

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In Matthew 5 46, he asks, if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?

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Now, this is a good reminder of our love study, but keying on the fact that he asks, what reward do you have?

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In Matthew 16 26, Jesus asked, for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?

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But Jesus also asked a ton of why questions. Why are you so afraid? Why did you doubt?

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Why did you ask me about what is good? Why do you call me good? Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and do not what

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I say? So, we must not completely jettison the whys from our vocabulary.

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In fact, I think our very own children are a perfect example of the importance of why. Why do I have to take a bath?

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Our kids don't ask what are five reasons taking a bath is beneficial for me. They ask their siblings, why don't you share?

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They don't ask, what are you trying to do to me by not sharing? And we simply have to acknowledge the fact that motivation is, in fact, everything.

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That's what makes the why so important. In episode 138, we asked, what do our children need to do to obey?

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And the answers are pretty straightforward. They need to do everything God commands. But in episode 140, we asked, why should our children obey?

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That question was significantly more involved and spoke to a deeper root issue in all of us. In fact, it was through that study and our four children series, which started in episode 55, that we saw the danger of children who do the right things for the wrong reasons.

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So, the threefold goal for today's show is quite simple. Number one, we need to be constantly reminded, and we need to constantly remind our children, of the importance of why we do what we do.

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Why we do what we do is our worldview. It's our philosophy of life. It's our belief system. And like we learned in the

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Mirrors Christianity series, why we do what we do is the most important question we can ask.

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Number two, I want to provide some context so we can know if we should be asking what questions or why questions in different situations.

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And number three, lastly, we need to always be ready to answer the why, even if we don't ask it.

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So, I think we've already covered our first goal. Why we do what we do is vital to understanding ourselves.

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In light of God's word, it's important for your kids to understand it. And you understanding why your kids do what they do will make your job as a parent incredibly easier.

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And if you didn't hear the series that answered why your kids do what they do, you can start listening in on episode 95.

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So, the second goal for today is to better understand when we should ask the why questions versus the what questions.

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Here are some simple guidelines. Number one, if you're trying to determine behavior, ask what.

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It makes sense to ask, what did you do that earned you a demerit? If you're curious about the behavior.

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If you're asking, why did your teacher give you a demerit?

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You're probably going to have to work around answers like, because she hates me, before getting to the reality of the situation.

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However, once you understand what your child did to earn the demerit, you can then ask, why did you continue talking to your friend after the teacher told you to stop?

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Here, you're interested in the motive, not the behavior. It's likely not going to be super important what was said.

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Your child may actually try to tell you about what they were talking about and imply that the content of the conversation justified the disobedience, but unless it was a legitimate emergency, the reality is that obedience to the teacher is far more important than whatever had to be said to the friend.

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So, what's more important, the cold hard facts or the motivation? You're gonna have to decide that in a moment.

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I do believe, however, that understanding the facts is vital to parenting well. We can't afford to parent on hearsay or assumption, and sometimes we can't afford to just take the teacher's word for it.

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However, as we've already seen, the truly life -changing aspects of parenting deal with the belief behind the behavior.

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Number two, if you're trying to help your child understand consequences, ask, what?

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What do you think will happen if you continue lying to people? This question asks them to consider the concrete consequences of their actions.

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However, why does God have such heavy consequences for liars is moving beyond what God's doing to why

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He does it. Number three, if you're trying to determine desire, ask, what?

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What did you want might sound like a question about motivation, but as we learned in the mirror's Christianity, the actual motivation for our desires is truly the more important thing about us.

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So, we may ask, what did you want so badly that you stole that money? And your daughter may reply,

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I wanted to buy an iPod. But if you stop there, parenting becomes a game of reorienting desire.

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There's only one real way to change desires and we'll get to that reality much quicker if we ask, why did you think it was okay to take someone else's money?

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And obviously, number four, if you're trying to determine motive, you ask, why? So, now let's springboard into our last concept for today.

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I want to take some of the examples we've already discussed and use them to understand that we always need to address the why, even if we don't ask it.

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Let's look at the same three questions to determine the behavior, consequences, desire, and motive, and then parent on those levels.

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Number one, what did you do that earned you a demerit? I kept talking in class when I was told not to.

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Hey, listen, you need to listen to your teacher. I don't want to hear that you've been talking in class anymore. Number two, what do you think will happen if you continue lying to people?

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People won't trust me. That's right. Do you want people to not trust you your whole life? And number three, what did you want so badly that you stole that money from her?

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I wanted to buy a new iPod. You can't just take someone else's money. If you wanted a new iPod, you could have just told me about it, and we could have found a

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Christ -honoring way for you to buy one. Now, each of those examples addresses the child's answer to the question and provides a direction for life, but what was truly communicated?

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Were those examples of good parenting? In the first example, I kind of laid down the law that my child must obey her teacher, but I don't yet know why my daughter disobeyed in the first place.

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What if she talked in class because she wanted to spite the teacher? What if her friend had an argument with her parents, and in my daughter's immaturity, she thought it was an emergency that had to be taken care of right there?

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What if she was talking in class because her friend was contemplating suicide later that night, and it was a real emergency?

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What if my child didn't hear the teacher's instruction because she was wrapped up in her own little world? What if my daughter was bored in school because she's not being challenged?

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You see, each of these situations will drastically change the way I parent my daughter and the depth to which I can parent my child, but if I deal only with the behavior,

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I'm doing my daughter a huge disservice. I need to ask the question, why did you do what you did? Now, in the second example,

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I helped my child understand that his lying is going to cost him in the long run, but is that what I want motivating him?

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Do we want our children praying to God just so that they don't have to go to hell? Do we want our kids doing right simply because of the pleasure and satisfaction it will afford?

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We discussed this in grand detail in episodes 140 and 98, and the reality is that God cares just as much about the motivation as He does the behavior.

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He never accepts sinful behavior done from a noble desire, but He also refuses good behavior when it grows from selfishness.

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And the last example is really important too. So, my daughter steals money, and I tell her that God isn't glorified by stealing, and I provide her an answer to future temptation.

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That one sounded good, right? Well, again, we have to ask why she stole the money.

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Was it because she hated the other girl for hurting her and wanted to hurt her back? The iPod was just a secondary desire.

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Did she steal the money because she doesn't trust God to supply all her needs? Did she steal the money because she's materialistic?

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Did she steal the money because she's discontent and covets things she doesn't have? Or was it all of the above?

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Again, I can parent much better with a solid understanding of motive than I can a superficial grasp of the behavior, the desire, or the consequences.

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And yes, I know that my examples really had to do more with teenagers and older children, but this works just as well, and it's just as important with our younger kids.

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Again, they may have hit their brother or sister, or they may be refusing to eat their broccoli, or they don't want to clean their room, or they don't want to take a bath or take a nap or whatever else.

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Asking the why questions are going to be just as important. So, how do we get to the motive in our parenting?

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Well, I believe the best way to get to the motive is by asking the why questions. Yes, you can simply tell your child the problem.

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This is a huge temptation for me, though. I mean, I've been doing what I do for so long, I can generally tell people everything they're doing wrong in life after spending only 5 to 15 minutes with them.

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And there are times you do need to get right to the heart of the issue by telling your child why they did what they did. In episodes 115 and 116, we discussed speed parenting.

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Speed parenting is getting to the heart of the issue even when there seems to be no time. This world is so crazy busy and our schedules are so jam -packed, speed parenting helps us keep from the temptation just to be superficial in our parenting.

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Now, those episodes acknowledge that speed parenting only works, though, once we've taught the foundational truths.

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So, by extension, asking the why questions become really important early on. They help our child to work through the information we've taught them and draw personal conclusions.

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Now, once they've gotten into a good habit of being able to see the motivation for their sinful behavior, the parent may be able to step back and stop asking the why questions and simply start stating the motive.

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Now, obviously, there's a ton of flexibility in these concepts, but generally speaking, I would encourage parents to do the following.

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Number one, teach your children the truths of Scripture. Number two, ask what questions when you need to understand the behaviors that took place, the desires that were present, and to help the child realize the consequences of their actions.

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Number three, ask the why questions all the time in order to help your children understand themselves better.

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Number four, and then there will be times when you can speed parent and instead of working through a series of questions that help your child understand the why, you can remind them of all the conclusions to which they've previously come and simply tell them why they did what they did.

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And number five, repeat all of that as necessary. There will always be new lessons to learn, new foundations to be laid, new self -understandings to be drawn out via why questions, and new opportunities for speed parenting.

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And in the end, Lord willing, we'll be intentional, premeditated, disciple -making parents who build habits of purposeful, heart -level parenting, and not just the superficial stuff.

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I hope you were built up and blessed by today's episode. If you were, will you please share it on social media? And if you'd like to have a hard copy of today's episode notes, you can find them for free on our blog,

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Taking Back the Family. The link is in the description. On our next episode, we'll discuss how to have a valuable family.

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I hope you'll join us for that. That episode will not only teach us what's valuable, but it'll also give you another little sneak peek into the

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As always, never hesitate to send questions to TruthLoveParent .com. We're here to help, because the

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Bible has everything you need for life and godliness, and we're here to give you practical ways of using

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.