Questions About Family Life And The Church — Zac Poonen

Questions concerning family, these are written by many different people. I asked some of the elders also to write questions that could be the need of people. What about husbands who spend a lot of time with their work but don't help their wives and children at home?

What if a husband doesn't care for this? Well, a wife should first of all pray, number one. And then lovingly say to your husband, see, it'll be a great help to me if you can help me with some of the work and that we spend some time together so we continue to get to know each other and help the children.

If you say it in a loving way instead of saying, why in the world don't you help me? That's not the way to talk. You know, whenever you want to win your husband, put your arm around him and say, darling, can I say something to you?

Make something good for a meal first. After that, you know the way to a man's heart is through the stomach. Have you heard that? So try and reach his heart through his stomach first and then speak lovingly and say.

Many things you can accomplish if you say lovingly. Sometimes husbands don't think about it. I've often said, if you want to know how selfish you are, get married. And you'll discover how selfish you are, both husbands and wives.

And once you have one child, you'll discover even more how selfish you are. Two children, you'll discover even more. I'm telling you from my own experience. I discovered how selfish I am. I'm still discovering areas where I'm selfish.

I need to cleanse myself. I'm not like Jesus. Jesus was the one who was 100 free from selfishness. If you think you're 100 free from selfishness, you must be really arrogant to say that you've become like Christ.

I want to tell you, in Jesus' name, you are selfish. I know I am. But I'm discovering those layers of the onion that I'm peeling off little by little by little. But it takes time. So husbands and wives, please think about that.

And you need to spend time together. And sometimes, you know, we allow children to go to bed very late. I think it's a foolish thing. I believe we should put our children to bed early so that they get a good sleep before they go to school next day.

And once they've gone to bed early, whichever time you decide, then it's a good time for husband and wife, even if when you're lying in bed or just sitting around, even for 15 minutes, just to talk together.

You must spend that time, particularly if you've been at work the whole day. Very, very important to spend a little time as husband and wife together. I want to say that, please, dear brothers and sisters, make that a priority.

And please put your children to bed early so that it's good for them and good for your relationship as husband and wife. I'm not making a law, but I'm making a very important suggestion. Take time to talk to your husband and wife every day.

And say it lovingly. Don't, very often, something is not accomplished because we don't say it lovingly. Do you know what is the number one thing that women want from their husbands? It's love. More than anything else, they must be assured that you love them.

And you must say that to them again and again, maybe a hundred times in a year. And do you know what is the most important thing a man wants from a wife? It's not sex, believe me. It is respect. If you respect your husband and your husbands love your wife, you'll have a wonderful married life.

The Bible says that in Ephesians 5, you read it, see to it that you respect your husband. Husbands love your wives. I'm not telling you something which I invented. It's written in Ephesians chapter 5.

You read the last verse of Ephesians 5. See to it that you respect your husband. How many of you wives can honestly say that you respect your husband? How many of you husbands can say that you're trying to love your wife?

The wife needs love, the husband needs respect. That means you must speak to him respectfully. He may be wrong. Tell him he's wrong, respectfully. Very, very important. That's how you build relationships.

So, to give you the scriptural base for that, let me read to you from Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5, husbands love your wives, verse 25. And the wives, see to it, see to it, verse 33, that you respect your husband.

Okay, you got it from scripture now. The Holy Spirit says it. Okay, what should be our relationship to people who have stopped coming to CFC, or relatives who have left CFC? What should be our attitude towards them?

Responding to People Who Leave a Church

Be friendly. I meet people who have left CFC. I never once asked them to come back to CFC. Believe me, for that matter, I've never asked anybody to join CFC in my life. Not one of you sitting here can say, I asked you to join this church.

Nobody in all the thousands of people in CFC churches can say, Brother Zach asked us to join this church. Never. I never ask a person to join our church. I say, if you yourself want to join, if God leads you here, come.

Otherwise, don't come. Go and join whichever church you like. But if I see somebody left our church and gone somewhere, the only thing I ask him when I meet him is, Brother, I hope you're following Jesus wherever you go.

Go somewhere where you really follow Jesus. I'm not interested in bringing him back to CFC. Not at all. CFC is not the only church that God has in the world, or in India, or in Bangalore. There are many good churches.

And some of those churches may be better than some of our CFC churches. In fact, if a brother is transferred from here to somewhere else, and he goes to the CFC church, and he finds the leader there is not a spiritual man, that also is possible.

And may not be a good spirit there, or a good atmosphere. And he finds some other church where the pastor is a humble, God-fearing man. Maybe a Baptist church, or some other church like that. I would say to them, Brother, don't go to the CFC church.

Go to that other Baptist church. Go where you can be more godly. Go where you can follow Jesus more. I'm not loyal to CFC. I'm loyal to Jesus Christ. And if a CFC church is not devoted to Christ, I'm sorry, I'm not going to support it.

No. My loyalty is to Christ. And Christ alone. And as long as the CFC church puts Christ first, and its leaders are godly, I will support it. Not otherwise. So, don't think that if people have gone to some other church, they have gone astray, or become worldly or anything.

Marriage, Spiritual Influence, and Children

Okay, another question somebody asked was, Brother Zak, you once said about Gehazi, that because he went after Naaman's money, leprosy came to him and to his children. And supposing a case where the man is like that, but the wife is God-fearing.

Will the children be affected? The answer is no. The children will not be affected. And there's a verse for that in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, which says like this, 1 Corinthians 7, A woman, verse 13, a woman who has an unbelieving husband, if he agrees to live with her, she must not send her husband away, because, verse 14, the unbelieving husband, the unbeliever husband, is sanctified, set apart, because of his wife being a godly woman.

And the unbelieving wife is set apart and sanctified because her husband is a believer. And then the children are also set apart, because one person in her heart in her home is God-fearing. You don't need both.

It's an amazing verse in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, verse 14. The word sanctified and all that means set apart. Your children are protected from the world. That's what it means. Not that they are born again, but they are protected from the world because one person in that home is born again.

So, don't worry if your partner is ungodly. You can still bring up your children in a godly way. Timothy's mother, Timothy's father was, as far as we know, an ungodly businessman, who had no interest in spiritual things.

And she brought up her son to be an apostle. Can you believe that? Amazing, amazing woman she was. Okay, as parents, how can we protect our teen children from the influence of their friends? By being friendly with your children.

That's the way. If mother and daughter are friendly, she won't be so attracted to other girls. It's because we must talk at their level. Don't, you know, let them be honest with you. They are attracted to some boy or girl in their class.

There's nothing wrong in that. Ask them. Are you attracted to some girl in your class? And he says, yes, so and so. Don't say, don't tell me you're attracted to that girl. Don't say that. That's the wrong way to react.

They say, you know what, you must say, who's that girl? So and so. Show me that girl next time we go to school and parents day or something. Then they'll be friendly with you. Now, you can then give your advice.

They'll listen to you. As if you had no attraction to the opposite sex when you were young. Don't treat your children in a way, just because you're 60 years old and that girl is 16, you expect her to be like you?

I think it's absolutely natural for a boy and a girl to be attracted to each other. But it has to be controlled. That's the thing. So we must be wise. Not tell them what they have is wrong. And if parents, if children see that their parents are absolutely honest with them and talk to them at their level, there's more possibility of being able to protect them from bad influences.

Anyway, that's how we did it, my wife and I. My wife more than me. The other is, what if a husband frequently invites his relatives and in-laws and all to come home? There must be a certain amount of balance here.

Boundaries With In-Laws and Extended Family

I'm not saying that we should never invite your in-laws or your father-in-law, mother-in-law to come home. But don't make it very difficult, especially for your wife. If you find your mother is a very dominating type of woman, and a lot of Indian mothers are dominating towards their daughter-in-law.

Many, I'm sorry to say, many women are like that. They don't know how to, they don't know their boundaries. Now my wife is a mother-in-law to four girls. And I'll tell you, some of them have been married for 14 years.

She's had a wonderful relationship with every single one of them. They love to have us there because we don't interfere in the way they run their home. We don't tell them how to bring up their children.

We already had a turn when we had children. Now it is their turn. Let them bring up their children. We don't tell them what programs their children should watch or what they should do or what they shouldn't do.

We don't tell them how, what to cook or what not to cook or how to run their kitchen. My wife just goes there and says, in what way can I help you? And if the way they do certain things in a certain way in their house, my wife does it exactly the same way.

And if they want their children to do it in a certain way, we do it exactly the same way with our grandchildren. So, never a conflict. Never a conflict in 14 years. And I don't believe there'll be a conflict if we continue another 25 years.

There will not be. Because we know our boundaries. We're not trying to control somebody else. They're grown up and they've got their own home. But I find a lot of, not only Indian, even a lot of Western and Indian mothers and fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law, they sort of controlling.

It's evil. In the new covenant, we should be able to prove that mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship can be perfect. But what if your mother-in-law is not converted? Obviously, she doesn't know.

Then you as a husband must not impose such people on your home too frequently and make life miserable for your wife and miserable for your own relationship. So, that doesn't mean you can't have them. But be restrained and restrict.

And the husband must tell his parents, don't be a coward. A lot of men are not men. There's a verse in 1 Corinthians 15 which says, be a man. Have you read that verse? Be like a man, don't be a woman.

Some men are like women. And I'll tell you that, that when it comes to talking to their parents, they don't tell them straight. Lovingly, dad, mom, please be a little restrained in all the advice you give to my wife because it's creating problems here.

Okay, we respect you, we love you, but we want you, we want to have a good relationship in this home. So, can you please, maybe you did it differently in your home, but this is our home, we do things differently.

Please allow us to do something differently. Say it respectfully but speak on behalf of your wife to your parents or speak on behalf of your husband to your parents. Not to interfere in your family life.

That's what you should do. Okay, if you find your son or daughter is in a wrong relationship, draw them away by speaking to them. Pray for them, that's the main thing. What if my children don't have an interest to come to church?

Well, that may be because you were not insisting on taking them from the time they were one year old. If you try to instill some value into them when they are 13 years old, you've lost the battle. From childhood, you must bring them to the church meeting.

Yeah, sometimes they say, I've got an important examination tomorrow, okay. I used to tell my children, okay, one meeting a week you can come to Sunday morning. Come for the Sunday morning meeting. You don't have to come for the Wednesday meeting if you've got exams and other things to study.

So, I, but I said, God will honor you, I'll tell you that. You're not going to lose out and miss out on your exam. Sit down late on Saturday and study. Or come back from the church meeting early and sit down on the rest of Sunday and study.

But you don't have to miss two hours on Sunday just to say I've got an exam tomorrow. I never, never allowed my children to do that and I don't regret it. And they did not fail in any exam because they came to a Sunday morning meeting.

You cannot do it. You cannot honor God and God doesn't honor you. So, we've got to teach our children to honor God from early on in life. What, this is a question concerning husbands who are away from home and working in other places like Dubai and all these places and wives are alone very often at home.

Caring for Families During Separation and Widowhood

It's an unfortunate situation in our world today. Well, then you have to be a much more involved husband when you do come home and you've got to talk to your wife every day by the phone or something like that and provide for all her needs and ask God for wisdom how to do it or even if you're away for a short time from home make every provision for it.

What about if my husband has died and I'm a single mother and children don't learn to respect me? You have to pray for them. If they're grown up, there's nothing much you can do but you must pray for them and tell them firmly and there you can go to the elders.

You know, a widow must have a male head over her for her protection. That is the meaning of a woman covering her head. I'm under a man's authority. So, a woman of course got her husband. A young girl has got her father.

What about a widow? She must have some elder brother who can be like a covering for her and when you have that, be equally good friends, be good friends with that elder brother's wife. Don't try to get so friendly with the elder brother but not friendly with his wife.

That can create problems. I'm just telling you some practical advice. But you need that protection and you should probably ask an elder to come and speak to your son who is disobedient. There was a question concerning whether we should when if our relatives are unconverted, whether we should ask the church to pray for them.

I'd say no. The church has got enough things to pray for than for all the unconverted relatives of all the 500 people sitting here. You must pray for your unconverted relatives. You're the only one who's likely to have a burden for them.

Very often people say, I pray for so and so without any burden. You pray for something without a burden is like a parrot praying, a parrot repeating something. Worthless. Prayer has got no value if you don't have a burden.

So it's pointless asking people to pray for someone they don't have any burden for. So I wouldn't even waste my time asking for that. See and the other thing is in our church, we've become so large that it's difficult to get to know everybody and so some people have fellowship only with some.

Is there anything wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with it. Jesus had fellowship with three people Peter, James and John more than with the others. I'll tell you honestly, I have fellowship with very few in this church.

Many people I don't even know their names. It's impossible. I'm a human being and of course in my case I have connection in 11 countries where we have CFC. I have to fellowship with them. But even the elders who are here, it's impossible for them to have fellowship with everyone equally.

But the more wholehearted you are, the more radical, the more willing you are to serve in the church and do something, they will get to know you more and actually you'll have more fellowship with them.

If you're the type of person who volunteers to come and clean the toilets and do something here on Saturday evenings, naturally such people will have more fellowship together and you're the lazy person sitting at home watching TV or something.

I'm not surprised nobody wants to have fellowship with you. I'm not at all surprised. In fact they should not have fellowship with you. What will you tell them about? What you watched on TV? No. So it's perfectly right for those who are really wholehearted and those who want to pray together, those who want to serve together in the church will have more fellowship and the others they can do what they like.

Not everybody who comes to CFC regularly is going to go into God's kingdom because Jesus said that if my sheep hear my voice and they follow me I give them eternal life. It's possible people sitting here don't follow him and they don't have eternal life.

That's a plain truth. What should be my attitude if I use the services of a brother in the church for some work to be done in my home for carpentry work or construction work. Now I've had to do that with different brothers in the church in these areas and I've always told them one thing, please put my request last in your list.

Integrity in Business and Financial Help

I don't want to be a priority. Finish all your other work and when you finish your work when you have time you can do this for me and I want to pay you exactly what you charge other people. I don't want to take any advantage of you.

I would tell them that. I wouldn't hope, oh because I'm a brother, I hope he'll reduce things for me. That's up to him but I'm not going to ask for that and I'm not even going to expect that. In fact I'm going to specifically tell him please charge me your commission.

Do you do that? When you ask a brother to do something for you, you tell him, brother what is your commission you charge other people? Please you're my brother, why should I cheat you? Please, I don't know many of you have got other people to do work for you.

I want to ask you whether you told them that. Otherwise you're covetous. You're a covetous person. You worship money. You want to swindle that poor brother of some percentage because you want to make that money, keep that money yourself.

That's what creates problems. But if you are you know upright in that area, people will be glad to work for you. They'll come to you and say, God any more work for me? That's the type of relationship you should have in the church.

Never, never take advantage of a person. If somebody doesn't work for you, you must pay him because there's a word in scripture that Jesus said the laborer is worthy of his hire. Have you read that verse?

Let me show it to you. If you don't know it. It's a word which Jesus said in Matthew's gospel and he said it in another connection but the principle remains the same. In Matthew chapter 10 he said about in verse 10 last part, the worker is worthy of his support.

And Paul quotes that in 1 Corinthians 9 14. He says the Lord said it, the laborer is worthy of his salary. So if somebody works for you, you must pay him whatever job he does. You don't take advantage of him.

In fact, it says in 1 Timothy chapter 5 that sorry, chapter 6 verse 2. 1 Timothy 6 verse 2. If you have a believer as your master and you're working for somebody you must do it even more for him not less.

We must not take advantage of a believer in that relationship. If I see a brother or sister struggling financially, what should I do? Best thing if it's a small amount you feel you should give it to him but please don't give it to him personally because you have treated him like a beggar you have lowered his dignity.

I would never do it. I mean if he's worked for you by all means give him a gift. Otherwise, if you have a very good relationship with him then it's okay. If you have a relationship like Jesus had with James, Peter and John Jesus could give them money and they would take it.

And I would gladly give money with those to whom I have a very close relationship freely. But if you don't have a close relationship with the person and you see a person struggling in poverty you go and give him money to help him in his poverty he will think, oh this person and there will be an unnatural relationship there.

Then the best thing if you see some poor brother or sister the best thing is put it in an envelope with his name and put it in the offering box. But even better than that would be to go to the elders and say, here's a person I'm talking about financial need I'm not talking about gifts.

For example, you want to give a gift to somebody that's different. You can give a gift even to a rich person. There's nothing wrong in that. You give birthday gifts or any other type of gift just out of friendship.

There's a gift of friendship which is different from gifts given to someone because of poverty. Now what I'm saying has got nothing to do with gifts of friendship. That you can give to anybody anytime, freely.

But gifts to help people in their poverty that's different. There we have to not take away the dignity of that poor brother. He knows he's poor and he doesn't want to be treated like a beggar. So to protect his dignity we must do it in a dignified way and you can go to the elders and say brother, I think this person, this family is struggling.

Do you think we could help him? And it's much better that the church gives that person something. Or you could give it to the elders and say if you think that that person could be given some money give it.

I'll tell you why. Because I've seen in the past that many people who are very very poor, they tend to make their needs known. And those who cry the loudest get more money. And others who are more dignified and say no I won't tell anybody, they don't get anything.

But the elders will know who is needy. So if you give it to the elders, you'll make sure that the needy person gets it and those who are not so needy don't get so much. So it's always wise to give to the elders.

It says in Acts chapter 4 that the early disciples gave the money to the apostles and they distributed according to the needs. That is, they were humble enough to say we don't have wisdom which person has more need and which person has less.

So they humbled themselves and gave it to the apostles. You read that in Acts chapter 4. So that is my recommendation always. Okay, another question is concerning is it right to tell a facilitator in a weekday meeting or anyone who preaches in the church that the meeting is heavy, it's not edifying or it's just condemning me or making me feel discouraged.

Giving and Receiving Correction in the Church

You know, you could always write a note or if there's no suggestion box, put it in the offering box. Address it to one of the elders. Brother, could you please I think it's boring whenever this person speaks, it's boring.

Now if you write your name they're more likely to take it seriously. If you don't write your name they may think this is just some visitor who's a critic. They'll probably throw it in the trash can. I never care for anonymous letters.

Anonymous letters I throw in the trash can. But if a person writes their name I'd say, hey, particularly in a matter like this, it is true, some people message is boring. I've heard many people tell me from other churches, this is boring brother, I don't get anything out of it.

Then at least I can tell them, brother, if you're boring speak for five minutes, don't speak longer than that. Because sometimes people don't know or they think, got high thoughts about themselves. There's nothing wrong in making it clear to one of the elders whom you have confidence in and say this is heavy we're not getting particularly in the weekday meetings, I don't know how it's going in the different weekday fellowships.

If the whole meeting is boring, I think you should definitely tell the elders about it. So that they can know and do something about it or make some other person the facilitator in that meeting. But keeping quiet, you're not blessing the body of Christ.

Somebody must be bold enough to express it. Go to one of the elders, they're not going to eat you up and they will not get upset with you. Okay that is not an unspiritual thing, it's a very important thing.

See, if a husband and wife have a good relationship, really good relationship, would a husband be afraid to tell his wife, you know there's something wrong with the food today, is it spoiled? Is it old?

What's wrong in saying that? Or this meat is spoiled? Or there was not enough salt today? If you don't have a good relationship, your wife don't say such things. I don't want to create further problems.

But if you have a good relationship, I think all of you can be free to tell the elders that. Another question is what does it mean to hear by faith? To hear by faith means you don't just listen to brother Zach, you try to listen to God, speaking through anyone who is speaking here.

Lord, what are you saying to me? That's where faith comes by hearing the word of Christ. The word of Christ may come through a man, but you must go beyond the man, even go beyond the Bible to Jesus. You read what Paul has written there, but beyond that I go to the Holy Spirit, telling me something.

That's how I have faith, and you must pray for that. Is it possible for one who has been baptized in the Holy Spirit to become legalistic? Sure. Legalism means going according to the letter. For example, do you know that Rahab told a lie when she hid the Israelite spies?

You read in the book of Joshua, and they read the first two chapters there, and she hid the spies, and when the people of Jericho came, she said, oh, they went out that way. It was a lie, but she did it with a good motive to protect those people from being killed.

And there are godly men, if you read this book called The Hiding Place, you'll find the father of Korita and Boom hid the Jews when the Germans wanted to come and kill them, hid them in the house, and he said, no, they're not here.

So, if you read in James chapter 2 and Hebrews chapter 11, you find Rahab is commended, appreciated by God for protecting the spies. You say, does God appreciate a lie? I learned something from that. Like it says in 1 Corinthians 4 verse 5, God will finally judge the motive with which you say something.

Now, if you say, ah, that's exactly the message I was waiting for. Now I can tell lies in different situations. You can do that and you will be judged in the final day because a lie is the first sin mentioned in the Bible.

Satan told a lie. In Revelation 22, lie is the last sin mentioned in the Bible. Remember this. The first and last sin mentioned in the Bible is lying. So, lying is a very serious sin. But, when the motive is to protect someone or some very good motive that God sees, you'll find that's where a person can be legalistic.

It's an example of legalism where you judge someone for something. Hey, your sister, you didn't cover your head fully. You covered it only up to here. That's legalism. Or, why are you wearing ornaments?

Hey, she didn't buy it with your money. Why are you worried? So, things like this, you know, you can be very legalistic. I met a lot of very godly women who wear jewelry and I met a lot of ungodly women who don't wear jewelry.

So, I'm not saying, my wife and I have never worn any jewelry anytime. We don't believe in that. But, that's a personal conviction. We don't judge other people who do. You know, if you feel that that's the way it should be, that's fine.

But, we believe that's the standard of scripture for us. But, each person must go by their own conviction. So, these are little areas where we can be legalistic. There are many, many things like the way you take the letter of the law and even if you are baptized in the Holy Spirit, you can be like that because you are not listening to the Holy Spirit.

You know, if you are once filled with the Holy Spirit, it doesn't mean you are filled forever. You can leak. If my roommate is a brother in the church and I see that there is something wrong in his life, should I speak to him?

I think you should speak to the elders about it. You can speak to him if you have a good relationship. Otherwise, you should certainly speak to the elders. Is it okay to marry somebody from another church?

Choosing a Spouse and Church Affiliation

If so, how should I go about the matter? If the person is born again, the only condition is you must marry believers. I don't say many people here are married from non-CFC churches. If they are born again believers, some of them may be better than some sisters in CFC churches or some brothers in CFC churches.

So, we have never insisted that you must marry from a CFC church. Make sure your spiritual view is identical. There is more likelihood of that if it is from a CFC church, but not necessarily. There are some very fine godly men and women in other churches.

But make sure that you make some inquiry concerning the type of person he or she is so that you don't land up in a problem. You must decide also where are you finally, which church are you going to go to?

And you must find out what type of church that is so that if you are going to go permanently for the rest of your life to that church, find out beforehand, do you want to be in that type of church for the rest of your life?

Because I tell you, some churches I would rather sit at home than go to some churches called churches. I can get a lot more sitting at home listening to some message on YouTube than going to some of these dead churches or some churches that are only interested in your money.

So make sure you find out before you marry that. But CFC elders will not hinder you from doing that. But when you are marrying somebody from another church, you cannot force the elders to conduct the marriage in CFC.

No. You have to give them freedom to say go ahead and get married in that church. I mean they may agree to it if conditions are different but usually if a person is going to join that church, I would say get married in that church.

And don't get married here and go to that church. How can I as a woman protect myself from the opposite sex in my workplace and place of work? You have to first of all dress in a very modest way. If you dress like the other people in a very tempting way, then don't blame anybody but yourself if some man is attracted because of your tight fitting clothes or you expose so much of your flesh.

Blame yourself. But if you are dressed in a modest way, completely different from the way all the other women are dressed in your school or college or hospital or place of work, they will automatically see that you are different.

You know there are some, I am not saying that you should do this, there are some, there is a group, a Christian group in America where the women wear the head covering 24 hours, all the time, the head covering because they feel that that's what a woman should do.

Such people when they go to work, no man goes anywhere near them. They say there is some crazy woman, I don't want to go anywhere near her. Now I am not saying you should do that, but what I am trying to say is the principle, the principle is they say this person is a little more modest, doesn't like too much of friendliness with boys.

You are protected automatically, your dress can protect you. So don't be afraid to be different. You will be protected, I will tell you that. That man will see that you are not the type of person who likes to flirt with anyone.