(Spiritual Guidelines for Courtship) Practical Courtship Issues — Rick Leibee

Hello, this is Brother Denny. Welcome to Charity Ministries. Our desire is that your life would be blessed and changed by this message. This message is not copyrighted and is not to be bought or sold.

You are welcome to make copies for your friends and neighbors. If you would like additional messages, please go to our website for a complete listing at www .charityministries .org. If you would like a catalog of other sermons, please call 1 -800 -227 -7902 or write to Charity Ministries, 400 West Main Street, Suite 1, AFPA, 17522.

These messages are offered to all without charge by the freewill offerings of God's people. A special thank you to all who support this ministry. Amen. Hallelujah. We do thank God and praise God for His mercy, His help today.

I do greet you in Jesus' name, the One who has called Himself the Bridegroom and He is preparing a place for you if you are His bride today. I don't want to miss that happy wedding day, do you? Amen. It's kind of a little bit hard to know where to start this morning after all we covered yesterday.

There's no way to review all those things, but maybe God took care of that through these testimonies, at least in many respects, if not all. Thank you, all of you young couples that shared for opening up what in many ways is a bit of a private part of your life, I guess we could say.

Not normally made public, if we could say it that way. And yet, hopefully this is not just public. Hopefully we're all in the family of God together. And so it's just family business. It's just family matters that sometimes we need to share as a family and just say out loud, Yes, I did struggle with this or I had a blessing here or God helped me in this way and God answered my prayer here.

And I had a victory there over a struggle and all those things that were shared this morning are very real, aren't they? Remember yesterday, one of the themes or one of the points I tried to make is there is a bit of flexibility.

All courtships are not the same. And we don't have necessarily a system or it all has to go just a certain way or be done just a certain way. And yet, one of the points I stressed yesterday is yet there are right, biblical, godly principles that we want to live by.

And again, I think you heard some of those coming out in the testimonies today. Everything may not have been done the way you might have had it in your mind or some list you may have heard before. And yet, did you notice the principles were guiding?

Even in the struggles and even in the victories and all those things, the principles were there to bring both blessing and guidance and help, whether it was from authorities or in our own hearts with God or biblical principles and all those things.

So, I'm very blessed by that this morning. I believe God will use that to bless many for years to come, hopefully, as the tapes have the opportunity to be used and given out in different situations. Again, I just want to say to you young people that are here, I love you.

We love you as a church. We're sharing these things both out of a burden, but also a love for you, not at you, but for you and with you. And I hope you sense that burden, sense that love and can be not only challenged but encouraged in the way that we want you to go and the way that we believe God wants you to go because you are the future of the church.

And we, along, join with God in caring about these things, caring about the future of the church. So, amen for that. Again, the things that I'm going to share today, this is Sunday morning. It's not a time where we would, how would we say it, normally have a message like this.

And yet, it fits as part of what we're doing for a weekend. So, if you're a visitor here, you're just kind of joining in an ongoing thing that we've been doing. And the message will, therefore, be a bit more of a practical message, a bit more of a message where we basically walk through some things and talk about some specific issues.

And it would be, in some ways, a bit more of a family room chat, we could say, or a fireside chat, where we would talk over some of these principles and make specific applications and specific situations as they relate to us.

And so, as I go through this message, you're thinking, this isn't a Sunday morning message. You're right. It's not a Sunday morning message. But it is a message that needs to be shared and a message we, as a ministry, prayed about and decided, yes, okay, it's going to be Sunday morning, but we're just going to go right on and share these things because we think they're important.

So, I pray you'd give me grace and bear with us as we go through these things. And, again, I carefully share these things. I'm going to be even a bit more specific this morning about certain guidelines, perhaps, than I was over the last two messages.

And, again, I beg that you would remember these are just guidelines. We are not making a set of rules. We are sharing, again, principles and general guidelines that we believe are biblical and very, very important and true.

And we do believe we want to follow these, have these principles in our hearts to guide us and direct us. Even as you heard our brother Gary share, you know, he was tempted to kind of take things in his own hand.

And yet, in his heart, he knew there was like that warning principle. Wait a minute. This isn't going to be right. And so, that principle guided him. He thought of specific applications. Did you catch that?

He almost reasoned in his mind, yeah, but she's older. Yeah, but her father's not. I mean, he almost got around it in his reasonings. But that guiding principle of understanding authority was in his life.

And it wouldn't let him, even in his specific application, get around it. And, of course, his testimony today is he's so glad that that was in his heart. And so, that's the kind of situation we're talking about.

Sometimes you will be faced with things like that that don't fit a perfect formula of the way you think things are going to work out. But the principles are still there. The Word of God is still there to guide us and to give us both warnings and blessings.

Biblical Principles Must Transform How We Think

I think I would like to begin this morning by reading a couple of verses that we read yesterday. And just making a few comments. Turn to the first verse we read yesterday morning was in Proverbs 18. The Bible here says, Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.

Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. And then turn over into the New Testament to 2 Corinthians 11, verse 2. 2 Corinthians 11, verse 2. And here Paul says, For I am jealous over you with a godly jealousy.

For I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. And as we talk about some of these verses and some of these principles, but again remembering as we shared yesterday, even though there is no perfect courtship story necessarily in the Bible that would encompass all the principles that we talked about yesterday, still what we do share comes from verses like this, which are very sure and very true.

And we need to remember that the Bible is not a book of just information. It was not written as a book of good ideas or a book for knowledge. It is a book written and given to men to change men. And to change the way you think.

And to change the way you live. And if that's not how you look at the Bible, you're looking at it wrong. We need to filter everything we do through the Bible. And we need to see through the lens of the Word of God this world.

We need to see our own heart. And we need to see relationships even as we heard about this morning. And so these verses may be simple verses in many ways. You may not think, well, these are not that profound, Brother Rick.

But these kind of verses and many others that give the principles that we're talking about are not just to give you a few good ideas. They're not to just increase a little bit of your knowledge. But they're in here to change men.

And to change the way you think and the way I think. Because many of us, the way we were raised, as Brother Gary shared and others, we weren't raised to think this way about courtship. We weren't raised to think this way about how to find a spouse.

You know, we were just kind of left to our own and dating and this and that and all those things that we covered yesterday. And without realizing it, some of those things we drag into our Christian life and then try to reason through it with our thinking.

And I guess what I'm asking you to do is remember, you need to change your thinking. Sometimes, part of the Christian life, we all want a heart change. But you also need to learn that the Bible does and can and will change the way you think.

I think differently now about a lot of subjects than I did 10, 20 years ago. Or 22 years specifically. Well, it'll be 23 years this fall that I was born again. There's things that I think now about certain subjects I never thought of before.

And there's things that I think exactly the opposite the way I used to think. It's not just a feeling, although feelings are important, but actually the way I see it and understand it and perceive it has changed based upon the Word of God changing the way I think.

Because if I don't think differently, I'm not going to see things God's way. I'm still going to bring my own human reasoning. And so, I'm just begging you this morning, and even those of you that were here yesterday, you may have heard some verses and some ideas and you're thinking, well, you know, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Well, I'm not sure how you feel about it either. But I am concerned how you think about it. And I believe God is too, because He gave us this book to change the way you think. To change the way you think, and that'll change who you are.

So, may God work on all of our hearts this morning. Amen. Okay, as we begin this morning, let us once again prayerfully trust God for these things. As we think back to the first wedding, as we said yesterday, praise God, the Bible begins and ends with a wedding.

And so, God is very concerned about these subjects and very interested in these subjects. It's not a little subject in the Word of God. It's not just one of those things that He adds on just a couple of verses here and there.

God’s Guidance in Awakening to Courtship

But as we look at that first wedding, as we're calling it here with Adam and Eve, we can see it was He, God, who put Adam to sleep. But, as we're going to talk more about today, it was also God who woke him up.

And there's a time to be asleep, but there's a time to wake up. And so, as we look at this subject in Proverbs where it talks about finding a wife, and if we remember our definition from yesterday, the definition of findeth is to obtain by seeking.

To obtain by seeking. That there is a time to wake up and do something about this whole thing of finding a spouse. And it was God who then gave him that gift of a wife. Adam gave Eve to him. And that first marriage was born or created by God's hand being involved in it.

And so, at this time, we have brought ourself in the last messages. These messages are just kind of like stair steps. You know, one builds on the other as you try to get to the top of where you want to go.

And so, at this time, we are trusting that we've taken those first steps. We talked about the last couple of days. And you are ready to court. And it is time to be awake and to begin obtain by seeking a spouse.

I guess the first question we have to ask then is, okay, are you sure it's time to be awake? Or how can you know for sure? And I don't know that I have all the right answers. But if you listen carefully to the testimonies, because this is what I want to share too this morning.

There was one little thread that was fairly common, I think, in almost everybody. Did you catch it? And then right after something happened in most of those young people's lives, a courtship began fairly quickly.

Did you notice that? Most of them were sort of at a point where maybe they were thinking about things or struggling with things or there were other things. And when they reached a point of, and I think almost everybody used this word, surrender.

When they finally surrendered, when they finally stopped fighting this thing and just surrendered it to God and found peace and repented maybe of some things. Did you catch that little thread? When all of them just sort of found that place, it was as if then God said, okay, now you can be awake.

And then the doors opened and things happened. And I've heard similar testimonies enough in my life to know that it's not an accident when you hear testimonies like that. That there's something in the spiritual realm going on where God sees this and rewards them by waking up.

I remember with my oldest son, Weston, it was similar and yet different because he didn't know he was saying what he said. And it brought a little fear to the heart of his father. He didn't know at the time.

But I remember we were talking, I think it was the summer of 2001. He had just turned 21 in June of that year, Mom. And we were talking and it was one of those things, he and I often had conversations about different things.

And we had talked and prayed a little bit about, you know, wonder when it will be time for him to wake up and this thing and on and on. But one morning we were talking actually just almost somewhat casually in the hall.

We were getting ready for work. But we got struck up in a conversation and I forget how it all came out. But basically what he said to me, he finally just got this very serious look on his face as first born children do sometimes in a home.

And he tipped his head and he said, you know, Dad, I've been thinking and praying about this thing just a little bit lately. And do you know what I've decided? And I said, well, no, son, what have you decided?

He said, I've decided I don't know what I'm doing. He said, I've decided I'm a young man. I don't have wisdom where I need wisdom. And so you know what? I don't even think I'm going to pray about this subject anymore.

I think I'm just going to give it total to you and I'm totally surrendered. And I don't care if I ever get married. If I serve God the rest of my life single, it's good enough for me because I love God so much that that is enough.

And so even when I'm supposed to wake up, you tell me when I'm supposed to wake up. And when I wake up, you know what? You know me better than anybody. You just tell me who to marry and I'll do it. You know, and even with that, he just kind of turned and went down the hall.

And of course, at that moment, my heart dropped into my stomach and I thought, oh, no, he's ready. You know, because, again, I'd heard enough of these testimonies. I thought, oh, no, I didn't know he was that mature.

You know, he didn't know what he was saying, you know, to a father's heart. But to my heart, it was like, boom. Oh, no. And I think I went and told my wife and said, do you know he's ready? You know, and we kind of said, I don't really know if I want him to be ready, you know.

What are you doing? But, I mean, he was just so at peace. You heard that word here this morning. He was so surrendered that, you know, whatever you say, whatever God does, you know, I am okay with it.

My heart is at rest. And, you know, I was just, again, excited to hear that on the one hand. But just being honest with you, as a father, it's kind of like, and he's your firstborn. And you're the first one of the family to court and all this.

And it was kind of like, I didn't know if I was ready for it. You know, so parents have feelings, too, don't we? You know, those things, we kind of struggle with all those things. And I have to admit, I did struggle a little bit, thinking, I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Anyway, one thing led to another. And it was about a year later that he started courting June the next summer, wasn't it, I think. So it took about a year for things to work out. But I have never forgotten that conversation casually in the hall.

It was casual for him, I think, and yet serious. And yet, for me, it was one of those turning points in my life as a father where I realized, wow, things are changing. And that was, you know, several years ago.

Since then, now we're fixing to have our seventh wedding out of my home here in the next couple of months, Lord willing, July the 14th. So, again, there are things like that that are clear, it seems to me, indicators, clear answers where we know, okay.

Because sometimes you say, okay, well, when is it time to wake up? And I'm not trying to make a rule, don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to make a law. But I'm just trying to say, these are some of the principles, these are some of the things that we see and hear in young people's lives that are a reality.

That show us God is at work in their life. All right. Then, when it comes to this thing of, okay, the young man is awake and now he's going to make, quote unquote, his choice. You know? It doesn't always happen because we're flexible, because things are different, like Brother Gary.

Where God, in effect, sort of hits him on top of the head and, you know, this is the one and he didn't go down there for that. It doesn't always happen that way, or it's not always that clear. And sometimes young men, as they're thinking this thing through, they don't necessarily have a particular girl on their heart.

And that's okay. Again, we're flexible. It may be that he needs to pray through that thing, and it may be that he ends up considering more than one girl. I've seen that situation more than once. And, again, because of our teaching yesterday, we don't necessarily believe, or I don't, that there's only one perfect girl, and there's only the one that's out there, and if you miss her, you miss God's will.

I don't believe that way. I think we established that yesterday, so I don't want to repeat all those things. But how does a young man choose? And, again, I think we've covered that in some ways as he looks at her characteristics.

He looks at compatibility, like we talked about yesterday, and some of those things. And one of the questions, though, I do get asked sometimes by young people, well, what part does looks, or a physical attraction, or those things, what part does that have to play in it?

And, again, I don't know that I have a simple answer, but let's just look at this verse here for just a minute. Turn to Proverbs 30. Let's see here. Verse 18. Proverbs 30 .18. The Bible says, There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four, which I know not.

Meaning, that are very difficult to just reason out in our logical understanding. The way of an eagle in the air. The way of a serpent upon a rock. The way of a ship in the midst of the sea. And the way of a man with a maid.

I guess the way I take it there is, I don't know that there's a formula you can figure that out. I don't know that there's a logical thing. There either is a bit of an interest, or spark, or some attraction, or there's not.

Because who can know the way of a man with a maid? It's not anything you can make a list of, and figure out, and analyze in some analytical way. But if that part of it is not part of the process somehow, things don't turn out right.

And yet, on the other hand, if the physical attraction leads out, you will often get what you would expect. A relationship based upon outer things, and simply physical beauty, or physical attraction. And yet, leaving off the more important things, the issues of the heart, and the spiritual side of things.

Biblical courtship is an attraction primarily based on inward character, more than on outward beauty and charm. And yet, we would have to say, we cannot ignore the outward part. And we don't want to ignore that.

We simply want to recognize it, and put it in its place. Again, the world, and the way they look at dating. What leads out, or what makes the decision whether a young man goes out on a date with a certain girl?

It's the Samson Syndrome, right? She pleases me well. I like the way she looks. I'm going to ask her out. And these sort of things. And yet, in our way of looking at it, while we don't want to ignore that that can be, and should be, part of the formula.

Or part of the way a young man thinks. Because who can know those things, as it says here, or figure them out. We don't want to lead with that thing. Let me just ask this question. Could it be, I've pondered this a couple of times over the past 11 years.

Could it be that a seemingly, seemingly very spiritual young man picks a girl who is outwardly, looks a certain way. And yet is not spiritual herself. Maybe she's fairly worldly and sensual in many ways.

Could it be that he is giving away what is really in his heart? You know, who you choose to court, is it a revelation of some things that are deep in your heart? I think it is. I think who a young man chooses, because this is the person he wants to share his heart and life with the rest of his life.

And if he just chooses on outward things, that becomes evident, really, not just of what his choice is outwardly. But it becomes a revelation of what his heart is inwardly. Does it not? And so, you know, we need to ask those questions.

You know, there may be electricity. There may be chemistry. But is God in it? Is it spiritual? What is the basis of these things? Remember what we said yesterday. Only God can make a marriage. Those outward things don't make a marriage.

We said yesterday, what God hath joined together. God makes a marriage, not those outward things. Well, at this point then, things can be done different ways. Meaning the Lord can bring a young lady to a man's attention, as we heard here this morning.

Or the young man is given, perhaps, a suggestion or a name from his authorities, either his parents. I've seen it sometimes even where ministers get involved, Brother Mose, and give suggestions about praying about it and knowing the young man.

Or maybe there's not parental authorities. I know that has been done. And I believe God allows that flexibility for authority oversight and bringing those things into people's lives. Now, as you talk to your authorities, and thinking of the principles we discussed yesterday, and then the specific girl comes to mind, what I would suggest, and again, I think we heard it in the testimonies this morning, is just because a specific girl comes up, doesn't take away the need to be very careful and to pray and seek the Lord.

Because this is a serious decision. If acted upon, it could affect and will affect the rest of your life if the answer is yes and things proceed. But, let's say the young man goes to his parents. The name is a name that he has come up with and prayed about it.

And he goes to his own parents. Or he goes to his own spiritual authorities. And let's suppose the answer is, no, they're not in agreement. The parents are not clear. Or the spiritual authorities are not clear.

Receiving a No Under Authority

What do we do with that? What does the young man do with that? Turn to 2 Corinthians 12. 2 Corinthians 12, verse 8. And there's a principle here that I think we need to see in the Word of God. 2 Corinthians 12, verse 8.

Again, we're at the point where the young man has gone to his authorities, whether it's his parents or ministers. And the answer is no. The Bible says here, our brother Paul in the Bible is praying. And he says, for this thing I besought the Lord thrice.

That's three times. That it might depart from me. By the way, he got his answer three times. No. No. No. And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness.

Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. And I guess the thing that I want to say is, you know, sometimes we pray. We go to our Heavenly Father.

And the answer is no. And we should be satisfied with that. Now, sometimes we pray and we go back again. And we ask God, you know, God are you sure? And we try to press through that thing. But I think there reaches a point, even with God, and that's the point that's going on here.

Where we realize, oh, the answer is no. And I need to actually turn this thing around. And realize God is using this in my life to give me more grace and to teach me something. And so, I don't know how to relate all that directly.

But I think it's a good principle for us to understand. That you may be convinced of a certain young lady, young man. And you may go to your authorities and they may say no. And that doesn't mean you can't make a godly appeal.

I believe Paul is making a godly appeal here in prayer. And you may go back again or maybe three times. I'm not sure how to say all those things or how often. I don't want to make rules, again, as we said earlier.

But be prepared. It could be no. In other words, are you ready? Are you at peace, at rest enough? Are you surrendered enough, like we heard about? That if the answer is no, you can spiritually receive it and walk it out.

Again, I think it's very important that you understand, young person. You don't really know if you are under authority until you get a no. You don't really know if you know how to submit until you're told no.

All of us think we can submit. Well, let something that you really want in your life happen. And your authorities say no. Then you'll know if you know how to submit. But until that happens, it's a lot of good theology.

And you can really agree with it in your heart. But is it real in your life? And I would say to you, you don't understand until you've really had to face it. And then get a no and deal with it spiritually in the right way.

You know, getting grace from God and walking through it. I would also recommend highly to you young people that if you get a no, you don't go to your friends and work up support. I have had that happen once or twice as a minister.

And then hear about it from somebody else a few months later. How rough we were on this young person. And what they've done is they've gone out and solicited, they've lobbied for support that things are really tough on them.

Why don't you just keep it between you and the Lord? And between you and your authorities. When you go out and do that, do you know what you're really saying? I'm not submitting. You are giving yourself away.

Again, a no means a no. A no doesn't mean you go out and solicit support to build up your case. We need to be very careful how we receive these no's. How we receive these no's that sometimes happen in our lives, reveal really how spiritual we are.

Evaluating Character, Authority, and Leadership

Well, as you're looking at this young lady, let's get back in the flow of things here a little bit. As you're looking at this young lady, young man, and considering is she the one? Speaking of authority, I would just say that is actually a test that you need to have in your mind towards her.

Is she truly under authority? It's interesting that most men have no problems agreeing with the biblical principle of a wife submitting to them. But not very many of them take the time to look and see if she is submitting to her father.

Because if she is not submitting at home, if she is resisting authority at home now, just because she changes addresses doesn't mean she's suddenly going to get it because she moved three miles down the road.

And it's interesting how naive sometimes young men are in this area. They just assume by moving three miles down the road and changing addresses, it's going to change whether or not she understands how to be under authority.

That's not true. It doesn't work that way. If she hasn't learned at home, she's not going to suddenly get it because she moved three miles down the road. And I would just beg you young ladies, again, as you walk through this and find your places, that you need to be glad that you are learning to trust your father, to protect you physically, emotionally, romantically, if I can say it that way, and to help you during this time in your life.

And to help you, as it were, if I can word it this way, I'm not sure how to word it exactly, help you in this process of finding a spouse. And yes, you have the final approval, as the Bible clearly teaches in the story of Isaac and Rebekah.

And yet, I realize it is a bit fearful at times, or can seem fearful, to entrust your future to your authorities to bring the right one to you and then pray with you and help you. And to maybe say no to someone where you don't even have the opportunity to get maybe consulted.

And sometimes those things are a little bit difficult to know how to handle. And I would just beg you that you consider the man that is in your life, the authorities in your life, and pray for him. And that he will do everything in his heart and power to be a blessing in your life.

And by trusting, pray that in your own heart, you will see your Heavenly Father at work in your earthly father. Now, it may not be your physical father. Again, I realize there are exceptions. Some of you are not living in your own homes.

But I trust God is being faithful and replacing that father figure in your home, 30, 60, and yea, even, as the Bible says, 100 fold. But again, I would ask you to pray that you could trust to see your Heavenly Father working through your earthly father.

And if you can see it that way, that will hopefully relieve some of those emotions or fearful thoughts that can happen. Alright, let's move on here. Well, young man, I guess I would like to say one more thing to you on this subject of authority and try to make it a little bit more personal.

And just maybe say it like it is. If as a young man, you cannot truly be under authority at peace and at rest, if you have not found that sweet place of being under authority yourself, without being anxious, without being fretful, without bucking, without kicking against the pricks, you will probably not be able to make a good leader.

You know, if you do not know how to follow yourself, how are you going to expect to have someone follow you? There's a lot of ways to think that through. But, you know, you really need to wrestle with that.

I'm sometimes surprised when young men come around and ask, you know, about this girl or that girl, and I realize the young man himself has no idea how to be under authority. And yet, he feels he's ready to go ask a young lady to be under his authority.

Very interesting. Very interesting. And, young men, until you know where you're going spiritually in your life, you're so settled, you have learned how to walk in this Christian life, and again, as I said yesterday, I'm not saying you're like a 40-year-old man, there's still immaturity in your life, but until there's some steadiness in your life, until you know where you're going, how can you honestly ask somebody to go with you until you know where you're going?

You know, just look behind your own path, the track of your life over the last year or two, and if it's kind of like all over the board, until you know where you're going, how can you ask someone to go with you?

You know, I'm not talking about perfection. We covered all that yesterday. But I would just beg you to consider some of those things. Well, as you're choosing this young lady, another good thing to consider and observe is to observe how they conduct themselves in situations where they're around those of the opposite sex.

Do they behave themselves? Do they draw undue attention to themselves, flirt, whatever word you want to use? Do they have a clear testimony of purity, both physical and emotional? Those are some of the things as you're making this choice.

Who Should Initiate a Courtship?

The other thing that has come up sometimes in some of our circles that I would like to talk about for a few minutes here is as this process gets started, the question has been asked sometimes, well, who should initiate things?

Who should start things? Does the young man approach the father of the girl? Or does he wait until the father of the girl approaches him? I believe, and I hope we all agree, that it should be the young man.

If the young man is to be the leader in the home, the spiritual leader in the home and to lead out in the home, should he not also be the leader here? And again, perhaps there's some highly unusual exception.

But I would have to say it would have to be highly unusual because I don't believe it fits the biblical model. I don't believe this is best. Even as we look at Christ, the bridegroom, who came out of heaven as our spiritual model and pursued us as a bride.

He gave up things. He made sacrifices. Then as He went back to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to convict men, to draw men's heart unto Him, and to bring men unto Him as He is the bridegroom and the head of the church.