TLP 232: How Do You Become a Counseling Parent?

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So, my child has sinned against me. I've helped her see her sin as God does. She's submitted and desires to change.

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And she's apologized to God and me. I may say something like this. Welcome to Truth.

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Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. I really loved our last show. It's always so helpful for me to have to work through explaining these biblical concepts.

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Like I said a couple episodes ago, to teach is to learn. I learn so much as I have to distill these grand biblical ideas down and basically squeeze them into 20 minutes.

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I really pray this has been a blessing for you as well. Sometimes these episodes fly out into cyberspace and I really never know if they're making a difference.

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And then sometimes you wonderful people send emails and leave comments and rate and review and recommend the show and it's just awesome to know that God's Word isn't returning void.

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Thank you to every one of you who has taken the time to communicate with us. It really is wonderful. And thank you to Scott and Mindy for making this episode possible.

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They are monthly patrons who help this listener -supported ministry continue to create free Christ -honoring content.

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And if you'd like to learn more about our needs, goals, and how you can participate in that, please click on the 5 ways to support

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TLP link in the description. So far we've discussed how to change and specifically how to take the first steps to becoming intentional, premeditated, disciple -making ambassador parents who know how to teach and reinterpret for our children.

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Today we're going to discuss how we can become a counseling parent. So let's jump right in. Number one, obviously, we need to learn the truth about being a counseling parent.

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First, just a reminder, these episodes are not designed to teach you the biblical principles about the character traits we're discussing.

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We've covered a lot of that in previous episodes and plan to do more in future episodes. These episodes are designed to teach us how to take the first steps of application based off of that knowledge, which means if you haven't heard the two episodes

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I'm about to share with you, then you're at a disadvantage. You can't believe what you don't know and you can't put into practice what you haven't learned.

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So going back and working through the informational episodes is imperative to learning to become this type of parent.

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Now for this topic, we have two shows to share with you. Episode 53 is called Counseling and Parenting.

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It's an interview with the former director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, Heath Lambert. And then there's episode 187, which is the counselor section of the

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Parents 5 job series. I like to do more episodes on this subject, but I find that far fewer parents have reached this stage with their kids.

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Of course, I don't want to neglect those parents, and so I'm looking forward to dealing with this topic in more detail in the future. Also, as you learn this information, we have free episode notes and transcripts to help you work through the information you're learning.

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And before we move on, I feel the need to expound on the differences among teaching, interpreting and counseling.

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Teaching encompasses the times that we give information to our children. This can be formal education and casual encouragement.

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Teaching informs our kids and helps them with the knowledge part of the circle of learning. I plan to do a whole series on being a teaching parent where we look at all the biblical terms that legitimately fall under this category.

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Then there's interpretation, which is similar to teaching, but instead is designed to help our children gain understanding.

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It's best put to use when our children have proven that they have misinterpreted life by making poor choices.

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We assist them by helping them reinterpret their choices in light of God's Word. Now, as I've noted before, both of these can be accomplished whether our children want to participate or not.

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We're giving them information and calling them to learn it and understand it. Of course, obviously they won't learn or understand if they choose not to accept it, but we can do our part without their participation.

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However, the third and fourth steps cannot be done if our children aren't participating. The prerequisite to counseling is that our children accept the teaching and the reinterpretation.

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If my three -year -old refuses to sit at the table and eat his food, I can teach him by either telling him for the first time or reminding him of the rules and his responsibility to obey.

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I can also take the additional step to help him grapple with the deeper realities. His not wanting to sit at the table and eat is not his commentary on pediatric diet practices.

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It's a flat -out rejection of the authority in his life, both his parents and the God who commanded him to obey his parents.

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So I do my best to help him understand the scope and nature of his sin, and I do this with the hope that once he sees his sin as God sees it, he will be convinced of the truth.

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However, if he chooses to reject my interpretation or conciliates for the purpose of silencing me and moving on with his life, then the next step is impossible.

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But if my child does acknowledge the truth of God, understands it, desires to submit to it, and is willing to confess his sin, then

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I can move to the counseling stage. At this phase, I help him stop his sinful behavior and replace it with Christ -honoring behavior, and if he participates, he's accepted the counseling.

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He's done his part in what the Bible calls correction. He stopped moving in the wrong direction, of course corrected, and is now moving in the right direction.

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Now before we move on, I need to say three more things. Number one, the first piece of genuine counsel I should offer is an admonition for him, the child, or whoever

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I'm talking to, to apologize. I'm looking forward to an episode about this as well. If he truly acknowledges that he sinned against you and before God, then he should be willing to seek forgiveness before he goes about to change his behavior.

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Number two, these steps will have to be repeated over and over. Counseling only works for as long as the child chooses to submit to God's interpretation of life.

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The moment he rejects God's truth, he'll need to be walked back through the steps. This is parenting.

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And three, I've made the observation that you cannot counsel an unbeliever, and yet my example involved me counseling, quote -unquote, a three -year -old.

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Do you remember our discussion about the circle of learning? If you didn't hear it, then you really need to listen to the

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Teach Your Children to Learn series. I'll link the first episode in the description of today's show. Anyway, there is a secular version of the circle.

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An unbeliever can learn information, understand it, and put it into practice in his life. However, without the core of a genuine fear of God, his life will not be characterized by biblical wisdom.

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The same is true of obedience. Can an unbeliever do the right thing in the right way? Yes, and we would call that obedience.

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But they cannot truly, biblically obey because they're not doing it for the right reasons in the right power.

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There is a secular, unrighteous, godless version of everything the Lord created. Satan is incapable of creating anything original, so he strips

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God of his own work and pawns it off as a viable substitute. Well, the same is true of counseling.

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Can I give an unbeliever good advice, and can they take that advice and put it into practice in their lives in a sort of secular wisdom?

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Yes. But are they being transformed by the power of God and in submission to His will? No. Their change is selfishly motivated and superficial.

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True, biblical counseling is used by God to guide people to true, biblical obedience that results in true, biblical wisdom.

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Therefore, it's imperative to understand that if we're offering advice to unregenerate children, we're experiencing something that is both positive and negative.

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It's positive because our child is building a habit of allowing our reinterpretation of their lives to mean something to them.

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However, it's negative because the child's ultimate motivation for change is still self -centered. Therefore, we need to walk the delicate balance between being thankful for our children's outward submission, but not allow ourselves to believe that everything's okay between them and God if they haven't truly submitted to Him in salvation.

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This is where many parents let their children down. The child makes a profession of faith. It's followed by a mildly moral and generally submissive life, but lacks the significant earmarks of genuine, spirit -filled transformation.

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But because they don't seem to be getting worse—in fact, they may seem to be getting a little bit better—the parent believes their child is actively participating in all the teaching and interpreting and counseling and training, when in actuality, the young person is pragmatically doing what feels the most comfortable and safe at the time and is, in addition, merely building outward habits of Christianese living.

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But then when the young adult is no longer under the boundaries set by their parents and they're left to make their own decisions, they continue flexing their pragmatic, self -centered muscles and they continue living by what feels the most comfortable or satisfying.

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And they realize, often, that they had no deeper reason for continuing to live like a Christian. And mom and dad wonder what happened to their child because they can't recognize them anymore.

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My friends, please be wise. The first true biblical counsel your children will ever receive will be when they confess that Jesus is

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Lord and believe that the Father raised Him from the dead. They will be saved and they will, for the first time in their lives, be able to respond to godly counsel in a

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Christ -honoring way. All right, that's some of the truth we need to learn in order to become a counseling parent.

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So number two, we need to believe the truth about being a counseling parent. Do you believe that you must teach your children the truth?

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Do you believe that you must interpret the truth and their actions in a way that they can understand how

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God sees reality? Do you believe that when your child submits to that truth, you must counsel your child to make the truth part of their lives as they act out their wisdom?

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Do you believe that your child cannot truly live a wise life grounded in the fear of the Lord unless they are indwelt by the

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Holy Spirit? Do you believe that you should counsel your children to submit, confess, and repent when they sin?

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If we don't believe the scriptures, we're stuck trying to find our own way, and when people do what's right in their own eyes, it always ends in destruction.

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So, when you know the truth and believe the truth, what can help you multiply the change in your life?

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Number three, get help becoming a counseling parent. That's right, it's time once again to rally your parenting community and call on them to provide you necessary accountability.

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However, this step is likely going to look a little different from the previous steps. I've encouraged you all along to interact with your parenting community in such a way as to allow your accountability partner or mentor friends to see you really and truly parent.

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We teach and even reinterpret all the time around other people. It's actually necessary to make life work. You can't allow your child to throw a temper tantrum in a store and just call me wait until he's done and decides it's time to leave the store, and you can't just leave him there.

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But this stage of parenting, the counseling stage, is rarely done in public. Even in extreme situations, you can normally diffuse an explosive encounter with teaching and reinterpreting, but the content of counseling is often saved for private times.

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The most common form of counseling is when we draw our children to the understanding that they need to apologize. This happens often enough, and your friends have probably witnessed this.

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So how do you engage your parenting community in your counseling? Well, number one, role -playing is very valuable in a safe environment where messing up doesn't hurt relationships and you can receive valuable feedback.

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Number two, you can share counseling situations with your friends and get their advice. Three, you can even invite one or two of your mentors to get involved.

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I said earlier that the more truth we have pouring into our children's lives, the better. I believe one of the best counselors to have in your child's life is someone who already has a close relationship with you.

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It really is a team effort at that point. Okay, before we tackle our final point today, let me encourage you to subscribe to Truth Love Parent and rate and review the show while you are there.

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It's really a blessing when you do that. Alright, number four, make small changes to become a counseling parent.

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Today's going to be a little different. I'm definitely going to give you some first steps you can take in order to be a better counseling parent, but I also want to end today's show by giving you some counsel that you can pass on to your child, and this counsel will work in any situation with any child.

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I find it's always easier to give counsel when you have counsel to give, so I'm going to arm you with some of that. But first, number one, you need to be able to guide your children into the counseling stage.

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Now, there are two facets of this. We already talked about how true counsel doesn't start until your child is born again, so obviously being an evangelist parent is hugely important until that point.

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But second, your child will rarely be prepared for this stage of parenting if you have not laid the foundation by educating and interpreting well for your child.

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By the way, obviously you're not ultimately responsible for your child's reactions, but if your kids don't ever participate in the counseling stage, please understand that it's a pretty fair bet that you haven't been the teaching or interpreting parent that you should be.

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Again, even God's children rebelled against His perfect parenting, but we're not perfect, and more often than not, share some of the responsibility for not making it easy to do right and hard to do wrong.

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So one of the best first steps to counseling is to make sure you're doing a good job teaching and interpreting. Number two, familiarize yourself with basic counseling techniques.

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J. Adams wrote a book called Competence to Counsel. It's amazing, and it's required reading for anyone pursuing a degree in biblical counseling.

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I highly recommend it. No, really, you just need to read it. There is no excuse, but I'm not going to be a counselor.

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By choosing to become a parent, you volunteer to be a counselor for your children. But please, whatever you do, make sure the resource is from a trusted source.

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There is so much misinformation, bad advice, and just downright lies out there when it comes to counseling.

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Competent to Counsel is a biblically -based text that will point you to the truths of Scripture. And if you'd like some more resources, we plan to expand our recommended reading section of truthloveparent .com

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soon, and you can always check out the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors website, which is biblicalcounseling .com.

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If you go to their site, click on certification, click on phase one, and then click on the reading list.

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There are so many amazing titles there. In fact, you know what? I'll just include a link directly to that page in the description of today's show, so you'll only have to do one step.

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Now, why do you need to familiarize yourself with basic counseling techniques? The Bible has everything you need for life and godliness, and I believe that all good counseling techniques are going to have their root in Scripture.

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But this training allows you to stand on the shoulders of spiritual giants. There really is no reason to reinvent the wheel, and these books have so much to offer us as we're trying to become the ambassador parents

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God called and created us to be. Now, every time your child shows any interest in changing their behavior, you have the opportunity to counsel.

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So, number three, look for every opportunity to exercise this muscle. Parents are always teaching, but when our children sin, we should be interpreting for the purpose of counseling.

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Consciously approach these situations with the goal of reconciliation and repentance. Now, remember that repentance is not merely confessing sin.

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Repentance is turning away from sin to righteousness. The advice and guidance you provide your children to make that turn is counseling.

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So, approach all such parenting moments with this goal in mind. That's a short -term version of this point.

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Of course, a grander view of this point would be to start approaching your entire goal and mission as a parent to helping your children be reconciled to God and others through repentance.

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This change in your motivation and overall mission is necessary to taking the first practical steps.

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Number four, here are some basic counsel you can give to any child in nearly any situation.

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We already discussed the first. When your child has sinned and you've reinterpreted the situation for them in such a way that they see their sin as God does and desire to turn from their sin to righteousness, the first step they should take is apologizing to the offended parties.

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This will include God and whichever humans against whom they sinned. And like I said before, I plan to do a future episode all about how to teach our children to apologize biblically.

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Now here's the second piece of counseling you can start today with your kids. Now please understand that you can treat this information like the knowledge you impart when teaching.

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You can definitely do that. You can also use it as you reinterpret the situation by helping your child see that they didn't take these steps.

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But I'm going to present this information as if I were using it to counsel. So, my child has sinned against me.

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I've helped them see their sin as God does. They've submitted and desire to change, and they have apologized to God and me.

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I may say something like this, and I'm going to present this the way I would to my daughter who's nine and my son who's 11 and all the teenage boys who live in my home, but you obviously may have to simplify it for younger children.

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I know how hard it is to obey when you don't understand, when something else feels better, when there are maybe are persuasive voices telling you not to listen, or when you just don't care.

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So, I want to give you four steps that will make it easier for you to obey the next time you're tempted to sin.

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Here they are, trust, obey, ask, and clarify.

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If you genuinely desire to glorify God more and sin less, then it's all going to start with trust.

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Primarily, you need to trust God and your parents. Second, that trust should motivate your obedience.

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If you trust us, it will be so much easier for you to follow us, even when it doesn't make sense. But even though those are the first steps, we want you to know that a wise and discerning child has other resources available to them.

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So the third step is to ask. If you're ever confused as to why God would have us live a certain way, or you're curious why we've instigated a certain rule, or you're interested to know what the implications of a certain decision may be, please feel free to ask.

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We won't judge you, and Lord willing, we won't refuse to answer you either. Of course, trusting and obeying must always be part of your asking.

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If you ask disrespectfully or unlovingly or unkindly, then you're not pleasing the Lord. And lastly, you should always clarify.

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To clarify is to show your understanding by explaining back to us why we do what we do. Why we do what we do is the single most important thing about us.

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It's our philosophy. It's our worldview. Without a solid understanding of our belief system, we'll be blown around by every new idea and opinion and failure philosophy we encounter.

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So those are the four steps you should think through. Trust us. Obey us. Ask us.

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And clarify with us how you can best glorify your Lord. Another good example of this is episode 44.

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It was called Practical Anti -Terrorism, Applying Truth to a Terrorist with the Communication House and Revolving Priorities.

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In that one, my wife and I role -play a scenario where I step my daughter through the first three jobs. It would also be a good idea to step a child who's ready for counsel through our

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Mearest Christianity series, which starts in episode 95. That one and all the others I've referenced today will be linked below.

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I hope today's show has been a blessing to you. If so, please consider sharing this episode. I also hope you'll join us for our next episode and the last in this series.

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It's called How Do You Become a Training Parent? The training parent is what we all want to be.

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It's the most fulfilling part of our job, but we need to make sure we do it right as well. And we want to get you started on the right foot, regardless of how old your kids are.

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Will you please consider how you might be able to support TLP this year? I know that tax returns will be coming out in the next few months.

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Perhaps a one -time donation or maybe a monthly faith promise donation would please the Lord in your life. To learn more about that, just click on the five ways to support

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TLP link below. Also, are you following us on social media? If not, I tell you, you're missing some wonderful blessings.

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We're doing our best to curate some of the most biblical and practical parenting and marriage posts we can find.

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Also, if you think there are some other posts that we should know about or people that we should be following, please feel free to send an email to teamTLP at truthloveparent .com.

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We may be coming to the end of this series, but this is just the beginning of your parenting year. How does

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God want you to change this year? I'll see you next time. Truth. Love.

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Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.