This Lady Will RUIN Your Marriage! | Pastor Reacts

A lady recently went viral on TikTok for saying that she almost divorced her husband because he did not unload the dishwasher. Take a look at this.

I went to put something in the trash and it was overflowing and I went to get my son's water bottle and it was in the dishwasher with all the other clean dishes. And I felt so disrespected and unseen and unvalued at that point in time.

This video got millions of likes, particularly from other women. And the danger here is this lady is going to ruin millions of marriages. As a matter of fact, she is the perfect example of what the Bible warns everyone against when they get married.

And we're going to get into all of that right now.

So here we go.

Marriage, Mental Load, and the Viral TikTok Complaint

Welcome back to Wise Disciple. My name is Nate and I'm helping you become the effective Christian that you are meant to be, which includes understanding the dangers and the pitfalls of marriage, as well as the solution according to the Bible.

Make sure to like, sub and share this one around, but only if it blesses you.

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, but about three years ago, I was strongly considering divorce and I want to talk to you about why. So I'm going to tell you the story of the day where I thought to myself, maybe I don't want to do this anymore.

My husband and I had four kids. We both worked full time. We had been together for 16 years at this point. We've been together since high school. And on paper, I have an amazing husband. He is incredibly supportive.

He's kind, he's loyal. He's a great dad. He's very hands-on. He's an active participant. He's always present. Like on paper, what else could I ask for? But in reality, my experience is very similar.

My husband is a great husband, great dad, always present, amazing man. What more could you ask for? But in reality, wait, what? Like, you know, if he's really all the things that she just said, what could she possibly.

Criticize?

You know what I mean?

Similar to the experience of other women. I had this amazing husband who on paper was great, but I was incredibly frustrated and burnt out from our marriage and from motherhood. Because what happens to so many of us is that we marry these amazing men and we have amazing relationships and then we have kids.

And when we have kids, women tend to carry a disproportionate amount of the work in the home, the work of raising kids and the mental load. And that is exactly what happened to us.

What is a disproportionate amount of work? What does that mean? So let's just take everything off the table and start over from scratch. As far as I can tell, this lady is not a Christian. I actually watched another video of hers before I saw this one, just to get a read.

She doesn't speak like a Christian. And the only reason I point that out is not to thumb my nose at her, but to point out that we likely have different starting points here when it comes to marriage. Mine is going to be the Bible.

I don't know what hers is, but clearly whatever her starting point is, whatever her presuppositions about marriage are, she's coming from a place where there needs to be what she thinks is proportionate amounts of work.

My question is, says who? You know, her? And also, where is she getting this from? And also, why is that important to her? The reason why I ask these questions is I don't want to take anything for granted for the purposes of this exercise.

So let's just start asking some fundamental questions, right? Because what's going to happen as we do this kind of a thing is we'll actually get to what marriage is.

Okay.

Also, what is the mental load? Like, what is load of laundry? What is she talking about? Is this what is that? Is this some kind of like feminist terminology that's meant to denigrate traditional roles in marriage?

I mean, somebody can tell me in the comments because I'm not going to look it up, but I'm probably on to something.

About three months after my fourth baby was born, I remember looking at my husband and saying, I need more. I need you to do more. I am exhausted. I am in charge of everyone and everything in this house.

Every night when we cook dinner, you ask me what to make. Every day when you drop off the kids at daycare, you ask me what they need in their backpacks. I am the project manager of this home and I need you to do more.

Okay.

All right.

So now, so at first blush, that actually doesn't sound like an unreasonable request. You know what I mean? Like your spouse comes to you and asks you, hey, I need help.

Right.

I just, I'm doing a lot here. Can you help me? What are you going to say? No, of course not. But did you notice a couple of other things that she just said? Because it certainly caught my ear, right? She said she's the project manager of this house.

Okay.

But also she says, um, every time we make dinner, her husband asks her what she wants.

Okay.

Stop. Stop right there. That's because she doesn't make dinner for the family. Her husband makes her dinner. Now, at the outset, I said, I've seen another video of hers. This lady put out another video that was popular, I believe, where she went on and on.

She provided this whole list of things that she refuses to do for her husband, that she actually says that her husband should do for himself, that she's not actually required.

To do.

She kind of brags about this in another video and she's proud of it. And one of the things that she does not do is make dinner for her husband or for the family.

Okay.

And guess what? Uh, so, so that means that her husband makes dinner, but now we're starting to realize every day when he makes dinner, he's also apparently asking her what she wants for dinner every night.

But she needs more than that guys. Because not only does she not want to make dinner, she doesn't even want her husband to ask her what she wants for dinner, because that's too much to, you know, she needs more.

See, what sounds at first blush, like a reasonable request, isn't it? There's a deeper problem going on here. Are you seeing it yet?

He looked at me and he said, OK, just tell me what to do. Right. Every woman has heard this. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. And I said, OK, you know, something that would make my life easier is if in the mornings when I came downstairs with the four kids, because I do mornings by myself, the dishwasher was emptied, the dishes were put away and the trash was taken out.

That would make my life so much easier because when I've got the four kids running around and the baby crying, I can't be looking for their favorite water bottle in the dishwasher. I just need to know it's clean.

And he said, yeah, of course.

What?

Yeah, I'll do that. That's no problem. And so of course he does it, but then I have to remind him and then he forgets and I have to remind him again. And there was this one morning where I woke up and I went to put something in the trash and it was overflowing and I went to get my son's water bottle and it was in the dishwasher with all the other clean dishes.

And I felt so disrespected and unseen and unvalued at that point in time. And I remember texting my husband being like, what happened? Like, why didn't you do this? And he said, sorry, I was running late for work.

And I remember thinking, oh my God, he doesn't see me because what he's done has now made me late for work and he doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about the impact on me and he doesn't see how every single thing in our home happens because I asked him to do it or because I do it myself or because I planned and organized it.

The diaper bag.

OK, there it is again. Did you see it? So she considered divorcing her husband because he didn't take the clean water bottle out of the dishwasher and put it on the counter. The question is, how do you get to this point?

Oh, and also he missed the trash, I guess.

Right.

But that's what I like. The question remains, how do you get to this point? Because I did. There's something that she's not telling us whether she realizes it or not. There's something else going on. How do you get to the point where divorce is the solution to the problem of having an amazing husband and father who's present?

I mean, these are her words, right? Also makes all dinners. Also forgets to take the clean water bottle out of the dishwasher and put it on the counter. So therefore, we should get divorced. The clue here is when she said she's the one who controls everything in the house.

Did you catch that? She's the one who asks for every single thing in the home to take place, or she does it herself.

Right.

Translation. She's the head of the home. Again, I ask, who told her that this was marriage? Not the Lord. You know, she must be getting this from somewhere else, you know, probably the same source that's telling her about mental loads.

It's full because I filled it. Right. I put the wipes in there. And I felt so frustrated. And I remember thinking, what's the point? What's the point of doing this with someone else? I might as well just do it at home.

And it's not because my husband didn't love me or he did anything to me. And it's not because I didn't love him, but because I felt so taken advantage of in our relationship and this dynamic, it doesn't happen by accident, right?

It's not like my husband did it to me, but we've been raised in this society that tells men and women who they should be in marriages and, and what it looks like to be a good mom versus a good dad. And we know the bar for moms is way up here in the bar for dad's way down here.

And we fell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Based on what society.

Right.

And again, I mean, so, okay. But like, you know, pressing into the details, what does that even mean? Where is this all coming from? Because somebody or something in society has taught this lady what marriage is and what the roles of men and women are.

And she's got all these weird ideals in her mind about disproportionate work, about being taken advantage of. And even the idea, so this is the kicker for me, even the idea that the solution to her mental load and her stress of taking care of four kids with her husband is to leave her husband and add even more stress on top of that, right?

Because now she'd be taking care of the kids on her own, presumably.

Huh?

That don't make no kind of sense, ladies and gentlemen, see. To me, what this lady has done is give all of us a biblical public service announcement on what marriage really is and what happens when you don't understand it.

The Bible not only gives us a definition of marriage, and I'm going to show you in a moment, but it warns us about the dynamic of husbands and wives, the potential pitfalls that could arise, and it tells us what our roles are.

And like I said, stick with me, we'll go there in the scripture in just a moment.

We fell into these norms, we fell into these roles in our family, despite the fact that we never wanted to. And I'm lucky, and I say lucky because I have a partner who I know loves me and wants me to be happy and was willing and able to change.

And so we did the work to figure out what equity looked like in our relationship. And I can tell you now, three years later, that we are happier than ever. Our kids are thriving. Our home runs like a well-oiled machine.

Right.

That took a lot of work. I want to say it took like 18 months to get there and it was well worth it.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Notice that word equity, right? These are all clues, friends. Notice also what the husband did in this situation, which actually, you know, seems commensurate with everything else that he's doing in this marriage.

He submitted to his wife, do you see where I'm going with this? This lady's marriage has gotten the roles in marriage completely reversed. She's the husband in this marriage and her husband is the wife.

And it almost led to divorce. Because they don't know what these roles are or what marriage is worth it, but it is not.

Uncommon. And so if your wife is coming to you and she's saying, I'm burnt out by the mental load and I need you to do more. She's not just saying that because she wants you to do more chores. She's saying that because truly it can hurt your relationship.

It can ruin your marriage if you do not participate in an equitable way in your home. And so what does that look like? What does it look like to change these dynamics? But we need to really assess in our homes what the work looks like.

Because in most homes, the data supports this, women do a disproportionate amount of work. They just do. They do more of the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and the child care while also working full time.

And men have more time for things like their hobbies, like golf, for example, or just working out, running a marathon, right? And so we need to have hard conversations about what our time looks like, what our labor in the home looks like, what is invisible labor?

We have to talk about these things. And when we don't, the alternative is that you no longer have a marriage or you don't have a happy one, at least.

And so, yeah, I can see why the divorce rate is, is still, what is it? It's like 50 or something like that in our society. It's because of stuff like this. It's because of people like this lady with the same mentality, or should I say mental loads, you know?

Uh, the reason why this lady believes that there is a disproportionate amount of work in marriage is because she has no concept of diversity within marriage, which is ironic because I'm pretty sure she'd be the first person to advocate for diversity everywhere else in society, right?

Just not in marriage. And what I mean by diversity is, um, in real marriage, in biblical marriage, you don't have two men getting married or two women getting married. You have a man and a woman getting married for life.

But once you realize this, then what naturally follows is that the man in the marriage has certain roles to perform that the wife should not perform and vice versa. The wife has certain roles in marriage to perform that the man should not perform.

And when you flip these around or you reject these distinctions altogether, this is what happens. You get frustrated. You start making TikTok videos, apparently. By the way, if my wife started a TikTok account and told people about what's happening in our marriage, uh, and airing out all of our struggles and talking about me the way that this lady talks about her husband, I would be devastated.

There's trouble on the horizon for this lady and her marriage, and she doesn't even know.

It yet, you know?

And I don't say that with any glee. I think this is actually tragic. I think there's a lot of people that are like this lady. She's got over a million, um, likes on this video, right? We need to pray for her and her husband and all marriages in this country because the solution is not trying to divvy up the work in an equitable fashion.

The solution is certainly not divorce, ladies and gentlemen. The solution is Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church

Let me show you a couple of things here from the scripture. So the Bible warns us about the tension that this lady is feeling, and it comes as part of the package of marriage in a fallen world, if I can characterize it like that.

Which, by the way, we read this, right? And it is a warning, but this is not ultimately a bad thing, I think. This is an opportunity to submit your marriage to the Lord and to grow up and mature. But look at this.

This is actually the moment where the Lord punished Adam and Eve for their disobedience, and this is what the Lord says to Eve. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.

Now, there's a lot of discussion amongst biblical scholars and all that. There's this back and forth over what the verse is getting at, particularly in the original language, and we see this kind of picked up again in the next chapter with Cain.

Here's the big picture, okay? The big picture here is one of a power struggle. Can you see it? With regard to Adam and Eve, as well as marriages in a broken world, they will contain this leaning towards, this striving towards a power struggle.

Who is going to lead this marriage? Who is ultimately going to have control in this marriage? The woman's desire for control will be contrary to her husband's and vice versa. Her husband will dominate her, and not in a good way, by the way.

This right here is what leads to 50 divorce rates in our society today, and the Bible called it thousands of years ago. What this lady is making a TikTok video on is the best contemporary example of Genesis 3 .16.

Clearly, the lady in the TikTok video is the one in control of her marriage. But the question is, is that what God intended? And the answer is no. Watch how the Bible describes the diverse roles of men and women in marriage, in the marital dynamic.

But now, this particularly is about Christians in marriage, because what we're going to do is we're going to discover who is ultimately in control in Christian marriage. Watch this.

Okay.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.

Okay.

Pop quiz for you. Who is in control in this kind of marriage dynamic? When the wife submits to her husband, and the husband loves the wife the way that Christ loves the church, who is in control? The answer is Jesus.

In a biblical marriage, where the roles are clearly defined, Jesus is in control. And when Jesus is in control of marriage, both husband and wife and children are thoroughly.

Blessed.

Both husband and wife will grow up and they will mature as they submit in this dynamic, and they will become the revelation of the glory of God through their marriage. That's why Paul says, same chapter, just a couple of verses later, watch this, verse 32, this mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Marriages are, they are meant to be a living, breathing parable of Christ and his relationship to his church. This is what I typically mean when I say, you know, marriages speak theology. This is what I'm getting at.

Now, here's what the Bible doesn't tell you, right? The Bible doesn't tell you, should husbands be the ones to do all the cooking and to clean all the dishes, or should the wife do all of those things, right?

The Bible doesn't say anything about that. Guess what that means? It means that you are free to determine what makes sense in your marriage over who does the dishes, who does all the cooking, okay? But that's not as important as understanding what I'm just talking about a moment ago,.

Right?

The fundamental dynamic of submission and self-sacrificial love. Women and men have different roles in marriage. And when you align to those roles, you flourish. When you reject those roles and align yourself to, yeah, secular feminism, you get frustrated, you get resentful, and then you get divorced.

Even to go, like, to walk into the dynamic of the wedding day, right? Like, but in your mind, you're thinking, okay, what am I going to get out of this marriage? How is my upcoming spouse going to make me happy, right?

That's, you're already off on the wrong foot, right? You're not thinking what you're going to put into the marriage, what commitment you're going to make to God in front of everybody, right? You're thinking about what you're going to get out of it.

It's already upside down. Because when you don't get what you think you deserve in marriage, guess what's going to happen? You're going to look for the quickest exit, right? But when you understand that marriage is ultimately about submitting to God, that the wife submits to the husband, the husband loves the wife, but then also submits to God, everyone in marriage thus puts the Lord at the center of the marriage, and then everyone thrives.

The whole family thrives. Everyone flourishes. Everyone grows up and matures as they ought.

Amen.

Prayer for Marriages and Closing Thoughts

All right.

Yeah, let's not forget to pray for this lady. I'm not sure what her name is. Let's pray for her marriage. Let's pray for all marriages, you know, and actually some of us need prayer for our own marriages, right?

Some of us in the audience.

Amen.

So let's never forget to do that.

Okay.

All right.

Well, that's enough out of me. Now it's your turn. What do you think about this lady's idea of marriage? Is she onto something or is she way off? Let me know in the comments below. In this video, I used the Logos Bible app.

I've partnered with Logos because I just love the app, and I think you're going to love.

It too.

If you go to logos .com forward slash wise disciple, you can swoop down on some awesome search features. AI is integrated in the Bible, and it'll help you answer any question that you have. You can also get my special suggested reading list if you go to the link.

So click on that link below for that. Don't forget to keep the party going over on my Patreon community. So every day I'm doing a Bible study. If you like sort of these biblical insights, you're definitely going to love the Patreon.

Go check that out over there. I'd love to see you there. Also, if you're interested in learning biblical Greek or Hebrew, you got to check out Biblingo. I've partnered with them because they've created a very helpful and fun app to learn the biblical languages.

Just click the link below and use my special code wise disciple 10 at checkout. Hey friends, I will return soon with more videos, but in the meantime, I'll say bye.

For now.